I had fun. I treasured every moment.

Friday:

Supposed to watch "The Legend of Zorro" at this great cinema in Cardiff, but the entire area around the cinema (even the bus terminals!!!) have been closed off because the building opposite the cinema is unstable, and might collapse anytime.

So we ended up going to The Pancake House for chocolate fondue. Really glad that he enjoyed it.

Went to UGC to check what time their screening for Zorro is, and decided to go for the 9+ one. And since we had 2 bloody hrs with nothing to do and no where to go, he suggested rotting at the small park opposite the Cardiff Museum. It was quite nice sitting there watching groups of people playing games, admiring the beauty of City Hall, decorated trees, and watch cars driving past from afar.

Spent the rest of the night in his room. Chatted a lot, and FINALLY, he confessed to me directly. Knowing the fact that he's a guy who has never liked any girl before, I was shocked when he kissed me. It was the first time he ever initiated to kiss a girl, and I'm really honoured to be the one receiving it. Slept really well in his arms too. I haven't felt so secured and loved for quite some time.

Saturday:

Had thai dinner with him at Thai Edge. Glad that he likes the food. And he said maybe next week he'll cook for me. I was shocked. Someone who told me he doesn't like cooking for anyone, actually said he'll cook for me?! I hope he remembers it. Am looking forward to try his culinary skills.

Walked to Shim's place to pick some of my stuffs up. And for the first time, we held hands on the streets. Was really thankful that he carried all my stuffs for me.

I enjoyed being in his arms while we were watching "Sound of Music" after coming back to my accomodation. And I really appreciate it when he decided to stay longer to accompany and talk to me.

Discussed about what he should about his hair since it's getting a bit long now. Haha..I think he looks more and more like a Japanese mafia now, especially if he doesn't smile...and it's not just me who said that. Fortunately, he doesn't dress in all black...or else...will really look like one.

I felt quite sad that he's gotta go back to his room and that I'll only get to see him again next Friday...but it's gotta be something I have to try to get used to no? I don't want to be a burden.

Got my studies to handle as well, and I don't want it to be affected because of this. Have to try to have some self-control.

Thursday feeling like Friday

I would have thought today is Saturday if I didn't decide to skip lectures today. It felt so much like Friday yesterday.

I had fun in the evening after he came back. We were both bored of studying (damn it, we really don't have a life...we're always studying whenever we're chatting..how sick) and he wanted to come over, which he did.

Watched "The Myth" together, and that show was hilarious manz. I know I should be going "So touching....", but I didn't think it was, except for one part. But for the rest of the show, we were laughing at how drama this whole movie is, how lame the plot was, and how stupid the Ling Fei was in there. I can't believe someone could be that stupid and crap. I was absolutely tricked into how beautiful this film was gonna be by listening to the OST and watching the trailer.

Went on chatting after that till 4am, whereby he couldn't take it any longer. You bet I wish we didn't have to sleep, and just go straight for bfast. Manz, such a waste that he didn't wanna crash my lectures today. If he's going with me, I WILL go for lectures today...lol..but since he wanna talk to his Mum...oh well..I'll just stay at home and study till we go out this evening. :)

He brought up "the topic" last night. He told me he is not sure what he should do next year. He said he thinks it's better if he stay in UK for at least another year, be it study or work. And when he mentioned "If I stay in UK, we won't be too far apart. We can still see each other. But it'll be difficult if I go home.", I was touched. Yes, I'm hoping he will stay. I know most probably I will start feeling worse the longer he stays here, but I cannot bear the thought having to see him go home.

I know he has been thinking about us these days. It does sadden me when I think about it. What can we do abt it? I really wish we've got a solution. At times, I wish...we can just leave the thought about the future aside, and just stay happy together for as long as we can now, but I won't be realistic if I do that. I prefer having a serious relationship with someone I can plan my future with, and not one which I can't. He's not the playing sort either.

CG: You're going home to celebrate your birthday right?
Me: Yeah. Why?
*Pause*
Me: *excited* Are u going to celebrate it for me?
CG: I might buy a ticket and accompany you back to Singapore.
Me: REALLY?! THAT'S GONNA BE MY BIGGEST PRESENT THIS YEAR!!!!
CG: It's a joke..hahaha...

Not funny. -.- But then again, I'm happy enough to know that he did pay attention when I told him the reason why I'm going home during xmas every year. I always thought he's not listening, or won't bothering remembering anything about me. And yes, talking about that, I asked him the night before yesterday if he still remembers my name, and he still wrote my chinese name wrongly, despite the right pronunciation! PIANGZ! I was so upset I told him forget it, claiming that it's only a name. But deep down, I was hurt. I have no idea why him getting my name right meant so much to me.

Anyway, I hope I can celebrate my bday with him before I go back. A mini one will do. :) And of course, if possible, another with Jamie and Christina. No one has ever celebrated my bday here for me, and I really hope I can have it at least once. It'll be something I will never forget. Sigh.

Hmm..I feel like having choc fondue tonight after movie. Slurp!!!! Hopefully he'll go with me cos I'm dying to bring him there...hehe.

Oh yes oh yes. Forgot to mention this.

I might be going back to dance again. Michelle Tang is trying to encourage me to start dancing again. Unfortunately, it's not ballet, but ballroom dancing. She took lessons there for about a year, and is now taking part in competitions. She was telling me all about it on Wednesday, which got me really excited. I did see the photos she took with her bf (He's singaporean!!!!!) at dance competitions and I was really envious of her being able to dress up and go for competitions with other universities. I want to dance again. I want to dance in competitions. I want the stage, mu audience, my applauses. I really want to feel all that again. So I think I'll be joining her classes next week to see if I like it. If I do, might just stay put and have a serious go at it. Hope it'll be good :)

Drained

I'm so physically and mentally exhausted that I really couldn't wake up today.

I wasn't in the mood to do much for the past few days. Probably because I'm fighting some flu virus which has yet to be full blown, and probably because I am troubled by many things.

Electives, him, career. Just when I want to leave them all aside, they ALL came back to me yesterday. I've gotta fill in my elective application soon, and I have no idea where I should go, with a good reason. Home's the choice, but why? I don't know. Why is everyone so excited about it when I'm not? I love my home, but why is this happening? I wasn't even expecting myself to feel this way.

Had a few hours' chat with Michelle Tang. She doesn't wanna go home, and trying to find someone to go to a foreign land with her for elective. She thought of doing traditional chinese medicine. I was excited about the thought of it, and she said maybe we should go to China today. I do want to learn it, but...somehow..something is holding me back. I don't know what it is.

Anyway, I have to try to settle the elective issue ASAP, whether I like it or not.

Michelle talked to me about our plan after graduation. If things go well, it's not very far away since time really flies. And our lecturers are already reminding us about it again and again. Again, I'm lost. What should I do about myself? Where should I go? Do I have a good reason for carrying out my actions? Sg? UK? Or somewhere else? I really wanna go home one day, but when will that day come? I realise the more I want to be home, the more I can't. And at times, I am really scared that I'll never make it back, and end up elsewhere my whole life.

And him. For the past weeks, especially since last week, it was more guessing games. I'm tired of it. If only he saw me face-to-face, I'm sure he will know I'm very exhausted and it takes more and more of my leftover energy to say anything to him. I want to be selfish, but I cannot and I should not. I have to keep reminding myself that I should let him do what is best for him, and I should cheer him on no matter what is going to happen after a year.

My tears rolled when he told me something is holding him back and said he's worried he'll miss me very much if he leaves. I should be very happy, should be very touched that at least, he did think of me when he's deciding about what he should do. And he actually told me that he feels lost about what path he should take now. He doesn't know if he should change his plans.

Last night, he said I sounded weird. Yes, I was. I was collapsing from exhaustion. I'm sinking deeper and deeper, and trying to control myself. I finally got to know how he felt, and what was going on in his mind. I feel the same when we thought about what's going to happen if there's gonna be anything between us. I don't know if he's trying to control himself. I know I am, but it's difficult. The more I try, the worse it gets, the more it hurts. And the shit thing is entering this dark tunnel which I don't even know what's at the end.

I got very insecured yesterday. I could have told him everything about how I felt, because he was very interested to know and kept asking me to tell him. But I couldn't tell him everything. I didn't want to be unreasonable. I didn't want to demand because it's not fair to him. I didn't want to ask for more than what I am given willingly by him. I should be happy enough that he's spending 1-2 hours chatting with me every night, and reserving Friday evenings for me. As a friend, that's already more than what I deserve. And I should not ask for more than just having be able to keep this friendship cos I'm sure we both know that nothing will ever come out of this. I have to remind myself. I have to.

Maybe I should try to see it from another angle. Maybe...I should still enjoy every outing and chat with him, and make full use of the time we have together until he leaves. Leave that moment till when we see each other for perhaps..the last time.

WHY WHY WHY??!?!?!?!

PISSED MY ASS OFF!!!!! BAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Why is he always telling me things, but stopping halfway or end with a sentence which I cannot understand? Why can't he just type clearly so that I can understand? If English is difficult, type Mandarin! If I don't understand his mandarin, he can rephrase it no?!?!?!?

JUST DON'T SAY THINGS HALFWAY AND GO "Let's change a topic", OR SAY "I don't want to tell u". SIMI SAI?!

I want to know what is it that he keeps saying he's shy about, yet when I think I might get my guess right, I don't want to know. But when I don't wanna know, I start to ask. And when he doesn't wanna tell me, I get pissed off.

This is so infuriating. What do I want manz? I don't know! Total madness. I've always (most of the time) known what I want for myself, but this time, I don't. And when I'm pissed like now, I will start reminding myself of all the reasons why I should put him aside:

1. He's not Singaporean
2. Language barrier
3. He forgets my name all the time! (I only found this out a few days ago, and it did piss me off. Had to make him repeat my name again n again so tt he won't 4get. Piangz! Where got such person?!)
4. He wrote my name wrongly THRICE when I remembered telling him how my name is written!
5. He will have to leave one day because he's got a bright future laid and waiting for him.
6. He's lazy abt everything except studying.
7. He hates thinking, and wanna sleep whenever he has to think abt anything.
8. He has no opinions (major turn off!), and I'm always the one making the final decisions.
9. He finds it difficult to even carry supermarket bags, just because he never gotta do that in his own country.
10. He doesn't give shit about the way he look, claiming that no one in UK knows him
11. He pisses me off with his sickening answers & innocent replies at times.
12. He is insensitive.
13. He believes in all my lies, and not in the truths I tell.
14. He makes me feel like an idiot when I tell him funny things and end up laughing alone.
15. He's younger than me!

I'm sure the list goes on. You bet I do get very very very annoyed by him, but I end up cooling down the moment he talks to me in the "I don't know u're angry with me" manner. Anyway, those reasons are more than enough for me to irritate me to the core. Most of the things I can't stand in a person, he has it! ARGH!

Then even when I'm feeling very angry right now, I am still thinking abt Friday. WHY!?!??! I can't explain this. I feel like an idiot.

I must tolerate

Bumped into someone I dread in med sch today. Someone whom I have always disliked ever since Year 1, and is now my senior because of the gap year I took.

The 5th years are all back from their electives, so I get to see some of my old acquaintances. But this person is someone I don't like seeing.

I remember how irritated I get each time I see him around me, or when he's talking to me. I am always not willing to talk much to him, and if we do talk, there's always tinge of sarcasm in our conversation. I personally dread it when he keeps asking me about my grades and stick so close to me just to wait for me to find out my results before he start bombarding me with "How much you got?!" questions.

He's sickening, and to add to that, he's disgusting looking as well. I hate saying ppl being ugly, but because he's so sick externally and internally, I have ranked him high up in the "Ugly People" category for years.

When he saw me today, you should see his sarcastic smile. "Oh, Michelle, you're back? So did you pass your exams?" What a polite question, with an added sly smile. You bet he must be gloating over the fact that I'm in 4th yr instead of being in 5th. He must thought I flunked my exams the year before that's why I'm one year below. I did NOT fail. I just took a gap year cos something happened. I'm sure my acquaintances in my year knows about it, and were probably gossiping abt it. But I shall ignore that.

I shall not be mean. I shall not be sarcastic. I shall welcome all his sarcastic smiles, conversations etc for him. I shall just act as if I didn't know he was being sarcastic (and fark it even if he knows I'm pretending).

Yes, you might be in 5th year. You might become a doc before me. Yes, I feel shit. I feel lagged. I felt demoralised. I met a setback which I will never forget in my life. But I will make it there..at least I'll try.

And I will continue trying to climb up the ladder as fast as I can. If I ever can make it to a higher level than u and if I have a chance to get back at u be it in UK or one day when we ever meet at some international conference/seminar, I will.

So for now, I'll tolerate all your rubbish. I will tolerate comments people make about me. I will tolerate insults. But I will remember all these, and should THE day ever come, I will let u have a taste of it...ten times the amount.

Taking a break

I am extremely exhausted today. I have no idea why. I had about 5-6 hours of sleep, which isn't enough, but surely...it wouldn't have made me THIS tired today. I practically dozed off without realising throughout EVERY lecture today. I feel really shitty as well, because I should be paying attention! I was distracted with nonsensical thoughts too, which should be thrown out of the window without hesitation. I am just DEAD...not smiling, no mood to talk etc even though I tried to when others are talking to me. But I know I've been very quiet. Sophie was telling me to sleep earlier tonight, and Michelle was asking me what's wrong with me cos I look like I'm collapsing anytime.

Just gonna take a break before I hit the books again. Shall blog about my Sunday.

I went out with Jamie and Christina. Christina's the other Singaporean studying in Cardiff. Jamie was the one who told me about her, and thought it'll be good if we have some fun together. We did, last night. Went to have a very nice Thai dinner at Thai Edge in the Brewery Quarter. Poor Jamie was craving for a good meal since the past week or longer, she's been having ready meals. Boy, did it feel like being back home when we were indulging in the yummy dishes. The bill didn't turn out as expensive as we expected too. About 12 quid per person.

As we were touring ard the not-so-big Brewery Quarter, we came across this new store called The Pancake House. It was a dessert place, where you can have pancakes and chocolate fondue. Freaking cheap manz. Choc fondue's only 2.95 quid per person, and we started drooling. So in we went to try it. It was fantastic. The chocolate was extremely creamy. Beats the one I tried in Sg manz. No kidding. When I was telling some of my friends today in school, they got all excited about it..telling me that it's so fantastic that they can't help going there time and time again.

It was already quite late by the time we left, and it's quite a pity cos Christina couldn't come over to our accom to talk. We ended talking on MSN instead. I don't know these 2 girls very well, but I think I do enjoy their company. Jamie's pretty quiet, but she's quite onz if there are things to do and she does talk when u talk. Chris is the one which cannot sit still, and she talks hell lots too...very easy to get along.

I thought it will be one of very rare occasions I will be seeing them, until Chris started asking us when's the next time we're gonna have fun. Seems like it's gonna be girl's night in our accom the next time. Looking forward to it. Gonna cook and have dinner together..probably one night this week..hmm. And we're starting to get excited about going ice-skating one day too.

Ok. Enuff said. Back to the books again.

Just forget it Michelle

I'm very sad, but I can't let it out.

I feel uncomfortable inside. I don't know what I am feeling.

Why do I have to think about a bottom meaning of whatever he tells me? Why do I feel sad..very sad...but I cannot show him that I am? Who is he? He's just a friend, a guy not from Singapore, someone who is another who is gonna leave, someone who should have no impact on me in whatever he does...but...no. I claim that he's a friend, and I want him to stay that way, but at the same time when I say that, I know he has an impact on me.

I felt something when I saw the Cambridge prospectus. I knew he will leave if he gets in. I asked him about it again, and he said if he gets in, he will definitely go. If not, he'll go home. Yeah..who wouldn't go to Cambridge? I hope he gets in..but at the same time, I know I'll be very sad. And I actually told him that. I told him I hope he won't leave, but maybe he didn't think I was serious. All he did was laugh and go "Why would u not want me to leave? It doesn't matter. You have many other friends here I'm sure. You've been here for a long time." I don't blame him for saying that, and I didn't explain either. We only got to know each other, there are too many things he doesn't know and I don't think he's interested to know what I went through either. I didn't smile. I didn't say anything except a "No, I don't have many friends". He went "If you're really sad, u will cry. But you're not." How can I cry in front of him? He doesn't know anything. I didn't want to him to get a shock too. But why won't he believe me?

Over the past week, I have put that thought abt whether he likes me aside. I have decided not to wanna find out, I don't wanna do anything about it, because I kept telling myself that he doesn't like me and have been finding more and more evidence to support my speculation. And I managed to convince myself, but why....WHY is it when I have been convinced does he make me think otherwise again?

I am confused by his actions. I cannot help thinking if he has a reason for the things he's doing. Why would someone ask u suddenly "You have gone through 7 relationships, mostly you have taken very seriously, if u get into another, will u have lost faith in a guy and not be good to him anymore?" ? Why would someone wanna pull up the arm rest between cinema seats and grumble when he can't? Why would someone hug u? Why would someone take your hand and put his in yours? Even if it was only for a minute..why would anyone do that? Why would someone tell u "You're the first girl I spent overnight with, so u should feel honoured."? What's all that supposed to mean? Are they hints? Perhaps I was just being sensitive, but I can't help thinking.

And when I started wondering if they were hints, he had to say things which made me think otherwise again.

I was quite worked up over something he said last night.

CG: I have never liked anyone before. I don't know what it is like to like someone.
Michelle: Why?
CG: I don't know.
Michelle: How are u going to get married one day then? I'm sure your parents will pester u when u're older.
CG: They will. I'm sure they will. Maybe when I'm 25-26. But they're the sort who expects the girl to be of the same social status as us. And I'm sure they will take their friends' daughters and matchmake me with them. And to be honest, I don't like China girls' personality.
Michelle: And u're just going to let them do so and get married?
CG: Yes.
Michelle: BUT WHY?! U DON'T LIKE THEM!
CG: I don't want to argue with my parents. And if they think she's good for me, and I think she's average looking, I will just marry her even if she's got a shitty personality.
Michelle: You shouldn't. If you don't like her, just say u don't. You don't have to force yourself just to please your parents. It's your happiness!
CG: I don't really care. At most if I think I can't stand her, we'll get a divorce. I'm ok without living with her. In fact, I can't imagine myself marrying a girl. I'm too used to leading a life of my own. But if we got a child, she has to leave the child behind. She can leave.

I was very disappointed. I almost said "You can't. I don't want u to do that. Don't." and in my head I was thinking "I have to get us together cos I don't want to see u marrying someone else. I hate it. I really do." What was I thinking? This is so mad. His happiness shouldn't even be of my concern right?

I don't know what I'm talking anymore. I feel very very lousy now.

Lazy weekend

Had a relaxing and lazy Friday and Saturday. Argh...if only it's this way every weekend..how nice..hehe.

Watched Nanny McPhee with CG last night. Fantastic show which is pretty funny. Honestly speaking, I was not looking forward to go out with him yesterday since I've been rather pissed off with the way he is on MSN. And worse..I had to actually choose the movie, the cinema and even the time when hello...I'm the girl? He had no opinion about anything, and was just waiting for me to get the planning done. You bet I was quite fed up, and cursing as I was planning. And when it was all finalised, he had to ask me time and time again about what time we're meeting. Piangz! I wish I can hammer him. How crap is his memory.

BUT my evening turned out fantastic instead. He was active yesterday, and talked a lot. Could see that he was excited and feeling happy about it. And when I started suanning him about things, he actually responded and laughed when I told him funny stuffs too. So I didn't feel like an idiot yesterday. Had a good time at the movies while indulging in yummy Haagan Daaz Ice cream. Yummy..hehe. We're such chocolatey fans :) Oh yes..and I started laughing when he did something. I had finished my ice cream and wanted the box so that I can throw my stick in, and he had my box. And when I put out my hand and asked him to pass me the box, he pretended to search for it and just when I thought he found it, he quickly put the cinema ticket on my hand, while grinning cheekily. I gave him the u're-very-qian-bian look initially and then started to laugh after a few seconds when he did that because of that mischievous act, and the oh-i-feel-so-shiok-getting-on-your-nerves smile.

I was intending to go home after the movie, but he didn't want to. So we just walked aimlessly around the city talking about all kinds of things. I got to know him better, which is good. It was freaking cold and raining last night too, so we decided to take shelter at a bus stop and continue talking. He was entertaining me with his endless talking, and telling me about how this girl forced herself on him, hence resulting him losing his first kiss unwillingly, and about this fat female classmate of his when he was in high school.

And the funny moment when I finally got another chance to suan him..
CG: What do you think of watching raindrops falling? It's nice right? You like it?
Me: It depends on who I'm watching it with.
CG: Oh?
Me: I think it's nice, but it doesn't feel nice watching it with you. *smiles*
CG: I KNEW YOU WOULD SAY THAT!!!!! *laughs*

Hahaha...I said that on purpose, but kinda regretted cos it's not the truth. I did like sitting at the bus stop with him watching the raindrops fall.

Then there came a drunkard who decided to join us. Kinda extra lah..despite the drunkard being funny. He kept irritating our conversations and made things really awkward when he kept asking us what we thought of each other, and when is he proposing etc etc. Sheesh..we're not even together, and I did feel uncomfy being asked about what I thought of him. Didn't know if I should say the truth or lie.

We stayed at the bus stop till freaking 1am, and because I didn't have dinner, I kept thinking about food. I dare not tell him I was hungry until he asked since he knew I skipped dinner. We then started fantasising about crabs and XLB.

Finally walked back to our accom, and I thought the evening ended until he asked if it's ok to continue talking. He came over to my flat, and we spent hours talking again, seeing photos etc. He got hell lots of comments about my growing up pics and photos of my friends, family etc manz. We also played around with my medical instruments, and he was pretty fascinated with the ophthalmoscope. Taught him how to use it to see red reflexes and to see what's right inside the eye, and he actually managed to see the optic disc on first try when he looked into my eye with it. I was very impressed!

He left at about 4+, and I was feeling pretty tired, but stayed up to chat with Angie. Love chatting with her :)

Woke up reallllllly late today, and went to the city to buy some stuffs. It's crowded in the city today, and hence, I wasn't very keen on going shopping already. Went back to my room, chatted with Mum, and got very excited when he msged me.

Felt kinda happy when I told him that I enjoyed last night's outing very much, and wished every weekend was the same. I was quite surprised that he said he had a very good time too, and if it was this fun every week, he won't wanna go back to China. It shocked me for a while because I thought he'll be dying to go home, since he's always telling me how fun Beijing is. I thought his stay in Cardiff was killing him. He also said he's excited about next week now.

Hmm..yeah..next weekend's gonna be good again I hope. 2 movies and our supermarket trip. I know it sounds damn lame for me to say that tt's exciting, but it's the only things we can do here at night. I'll be looking forward to it, provided he doesn't piss me off again over the next few days.

Oh, I'll be able to watch "The Myth" next week! YAY!!!!! I was beaming away when he told me he managed to have a friend who's got the show and when he's got it next week, we can watch it together. I only casually mentioned it before, and I thought he didn't even pay attention or won't even bother remembering what I said, but surprisingly, he actually went to ask his schmates if they have the film.Hhehehee...now I can't wait to watch it!!! Hope it'll be a great film, or else I'll be so disappointed. I've got high expectations of it. :)

I should try to get back on track on studying soon. Hehehe...

Don't understand these ppl

Fair enuff if u have to take the bus back from school. Fair enuff that u have your whole gang with you on the bus. Fair enuff that u wanna talk. But at least be considerate to the others in the bus. You can talk loudly..no one gives shit, but don't keep shouting at your friends who are dispersed everywhere in a not very big bus. And when it's already crowded enuff with old folks around, I bet everyone will be very pleased if you stop squeezing through crowds again and again for rubbish reasons like going over just to chat girls up or to gain attention from others. Stupid high school kids. Just hate having them around in the bus.

Then just when things couldn't get more irritating, you enter a supposedly brand new student accomodation with surroundings looking like it existed for 10 years. Wall paints chipped off in big pieces, and ugly marks all over a beige-coloured wall. Heck it since I don't sleep in the lobby. As long my flat looks clean and neat, I don't give shit even though it's embarrassing bringing ppl thru the lobby up to my flat. Student accoms will ALWAYS be student accoms. That's what u get when u're not rich enough to get a high-class one stayed by proper decent ppl who don't go dirty things like the wall. I swear if I were rich, I would move out to an expensive PROFESSIONAL apartment.

And then u get 3 assholes coming out of the lifts with cheeky grins on their faces. There you go walking into the lift, only to find ALL..yes...ALL the lift buttons being pressed. Uni students are staying in this accom, hence u would expect them to be 18-19 at least. Imagine guys looking like a real guy, tall and well-built behaving like 5 yr olds who find joy in playing with lift buttons. How disgusting. And it's not funny at all. To hell with them!

When enough is enough

Blame my impatience, blame my short-tempered character, but I think I had ENOUGH!

I shall not bother to entertain him much anymore. He doesn't need me to entertain him. I did it out of my free will, and as a result, I feel like a big idiot.

When he's bored, I chat with him, tell him funny things, and I end up laughing at what I said myself. And I got so sick and demoralised of it that I finally told him that I feel like an idiot laughing at things I say and even if it's not funny, at least he should pretend to laugh to show some appreciation. And that's when he started laughing just to please me. You bet I was pissed off.

Specially stayed up just to entertain him, and this happened. Fair enuff. Take it that I'm the stupid one. I bet he's got many friends online to entertain him, so insignificant me can just fark off.

And the ultimate moment came when I was boiling and said I shall go to bed. Instead of even sensing I'm fuming and utterly disappointed, all he said was "Good idea" and went on about what time he's got school tmr. Yeah, thanks for the hint. I just went offline before he finished saying what he wanted to say. I didn't wanna listen anymore.

Went to bed feeling hurt and upset, which didn't go away even when I woke up. Then I bumped into him at the bus stop this morning. I'm sure he didn't see me, and being fed up, I didn't bother to go and say Hi too. Just boarded my bus and left when it came.

I'm still feeling sore about it, and I think I shall just throw wateva feelings I got aside already. I can't imagine having a few more months of this. Such a waste of my precious time. Can't believe someone as dumb, who doesn't have a sense of humour, believes in every lie I said (and amazingly, he doesn't believe in wateva truth I say), super lao qi and boring actually exists! PUI!

Stupid teddy bear!

I wanna rip his belly apart and pull out all the cotton wool in him manz! BAH! 5&£$"$%^"$%

How suay was I to meet the sickening teddy bear before lectures today. And I specially pretend to walk around the medical school's noticeboards just so that I don't have to go into the lecture hall at the same time as him. Damn kua zhang I know, but one more second of seeing his face and farked up attitude makes me lose my appetite.

BUT despite trying to avoid him, he still ended up behind me when going down the stairs to go to the lecture theatre! And JUST BEHIND me somemore. Hence, when I went into the lecture theatre, I had to be polite enough to hold the door for him. I felt so bu gan yuan doing that. You bet I was so tempted to slam the door right into his face...if only the door was like those super springy sort...imagine how it'll be like having it wack him and then you hear him moaning outside...hahahaha. I bet I'll burst into laughter on the spot.

By the way, I think I haven't blogged about this before. I was hanging out in Alex's room one evening with Daniel and Richard, gossiping. Yeah, didn't know even guys gossip too. And they were commenting on how farked up teddy bear was. Dan said he doesn't give shit about anyone, always wearing his "I am sooooo cool" look, doesn't reply you when u ask him things, and nothing interests him except topics about the army. Why?! Cos he's under sponsership from the British Army to do Medicine! He must be a real asshole if angmos can even think he's fucked up.

Ok lor..scholar big deal! Like as if he's the only one around. And to be honest, I nearly puked when I heard that he's in the army. Apart from being big, I do not see what he's got physically to be in there. Don't look fit leh. I was just imagining how he'll look if he's topless...piangz..I think I will be so disgusted (lol..maybe Sophie has seen it all...haha..but I don't think I wanna ask her). I wonder what kind of post he's got in the army? A clerk?! Hehehehe...

The ultimate time came when he sat next to me during lecture. Piangz! I want so much to send a missile over and bomb him into pieces. Fortunately, Sophie didn't manage to squeeze through the crowded row to sit with me, or else I'll be stuck between them, and will wanna die watching them flirt with each other. Can't believe she actually smooched him. I think she's much better off smooching an Orang Utan manz. ARGH! YUCKS..!!!!

Am I in denial?

I got up today, and deliberately kept my MSN to Busy mode so that I will not know who is online and who has messaged me. I wanted to concentrate fully on my studies and leave all other thoughts aside.

I managed to do it, and even resisted not replying when he messaged me. But despite so, I ended up replying hrs later and even lied that I didn't see the msg...tt's why my reply was late.

Am I in denial? Is it really "that"?

I am confused. Trying to tell myself it can't be. It's too fast for me to feel something for someone. And why of all people, it has to be him? Someone who does not meet so many of my criteria, and worse...a non-Singaporean. And I can't help thinking if this is retribution since I am always insisting on only Singaporeans and one who speaks English normally.

I find myself running out of topics to talk to him about, partly because of a language barrier. No doubt he can speak English, I'm sure he won't understand my jokes much. The sense of humour will be different. I also constantly wonder if he can understand my messages, and sometimes I really want to type my msges in chinese, but have no idea how despite trying. Then again, I'll be doing him a favour if I use English so that he'll be fluent with it in no time.

Despite running out of topics, I am trying to keep the chat going for as long as I can. I like talking to him even though he pisses me with his "toot-ness". And because of this, I begin to like him more and more. He's just too unbelievably simple and innocent, that I find it very difficult to believe. It does get on my nerves at times but I just like the way he is. Not fake, and definitely not trying to create a good impression to others for himself. I find it so hard to tell him that's he very qian bian at times.

Darren said I should tell him that I might be falling for him soon. But isn't this crazy? I don't want to run the risk of losing this friend. I enjoy having his company and I was even more touched when he told me just now that he don't mind going to watch arts performances with me so that I won't be alone. And even say we'll go to the supermarket every fortnight tgt, and watch movies together.

I was almost moved to tears. I know this sound mad, but I really felt grateful. He made me feel as if I won't have to go through the year alone..something which I have grown very used to and kinda sick of it, but still do it again and again because it has already became a habit. I really want to stop being this way, but psychologically, it's holding me back. However, I am always wondering if he genuinely wants to accompany me, or just to kill his own boredom. I want to believe fully in the former, but I can't. I really don't think anyone will do such a thing for me.

There are times when he says things which touches me very much, or sound very innocent, I want so much to tell him I feel very grateful and pleased that I have met him and he has brought some sunshine into my life in Cardiff. He doesn't sweet talk because his english isn't that good to do so. You can feel the truth in things he types.

When he said he can't concentrate studying this evening, I wanted to bring my tub of ice cream down to his room and make a colourful sundae for him, but I don't have anything to make the sundae and I didn't want to look like I'm trying to xian yin qing either. I can sense that he's bored and probably not very happy because he's wasted the entire night. I wanted to cheer him up, but I didn't know how.

If this is a crush, how long will it last? I know this is a bit far away...but what if I still continue feeling this way until he gets his Masters? He might leave Cardiff (I think he will), and I don't want to be in a position whereby I feel sad and yet not be able to say out how I feel...just because I'm scared.

I keep thinking he looks for me everyday because I'm one of his very few friends here, and probably because it's easier to talk to me since I'm chinese...and of course..he's bored. I admit I did have a little wish that he likes me so that I can be at ease to say how I feel without being scared, but I can't help thinking chances are close to nil. He's not finding a gf..but a wife. I'm not from China, my mandarin isn't good, and I really have nothing tt will get his attention. Besides, his Masters should be his only priority now. I can't help telling myself it's impossible...and this just accentuates my fear, my insecurity, and me feeling restricted.

I am worried all these will start suffocating me if this goes on for a few more months.

Focus focus..

I must see no evil, speak no evil, read no evil, and hear no evil...argh!

I am soooooooooo screwed! I'm supposed to treasure my entire weekend by revising, but I ended up not studying on Friday and distracted for my entire Saturday and Sunday with rubbish thoughts.

I have been constantly smiling at myself for the entire 2 days, and I actually don't realise it until I start swirling the chair to look at myself in the mirror (I do that very often..habit..haha). I look like an idiot manz! Smile simi smile...pui..

And I think I should learn to shuddup. Trying hard to keep my image (like as if I ever had one..but still kidding myself I got one), but I screw up big time everytime I talk to him. I just talk and revealing things or blurting things out which should not be said. Yes, I talk a lot to ppl I know fairly well, but I don't specially tell anyone what I'm up to, where I'm going, what I'm gonna be busy with over the next few days blah blah blah. No one is interested to know about me and my wateva commitments I have, so why did I say those out?

And I even went on to tell him that I am sure he's not such a polite and decent person. It's not possible. I just got a gut feeling he's darn mischievous if he wants to be, and I do feel uncomfy if he's polite because I feel like a 38 then. But the thing is..does it matter?! Whether he's polite or not is his biz wat...wats it gotta do with me?

And why did I go tell him I can be an irritating noisy housefly? I'm like stabbing myself with a knife. Where is my image manz? And when he said he knows and enjoying watching me being one..I actually said I wanna go dig a hole and bury my head in it! Argh...really diu lian diu dao jia...grrrr!!!!!!!!

Each time I say something, I regret. And I start cursing myself silently for saying it.

When I first know him, he said he wanna move out of the accomodation after 3 mths because his room isn't big. It's not my biz also no? Why did I go and ask him now if he still wants to move out? Apparently, he said he likes staying here more and more, and that actually made me happy? Simi sai?!

Then whether he intends to stay on in Cardiff to do PhD after his Masters also not my biz...why am I giving him the reasons to why he should stay on here? He go elsewhere in UK is his choice mahz..no? And stupid me even went "If you stay here, then I got one more friend to go out with." Piangz. In the first place, am I so desperate that I have to find ppl to go out with me all the time? What's worse is I actually feel slightly relieved when he said he's lazy to move out of Cardiff to do his PhD and he agrees with my reason.

And I actually got quite worked up when he said he'll cancel our movie date on Friday if my exam don't go well. I'm so looking forward to it, and I'll be darn pissed off if he goes and cancel it. I'm even thinking of telling Sophie that I don't wanna go clubbing with her on Friday just because of this date. But wah liew..I mean...he wanna cancel then cancel lah! Why did I go grumble to him about he not supposing to treat me this way, and I've been nice enough to help carry supermarket bags when he's supposed to carry all because he's a guy? I wanted so much to tell him he's very qian bian..in fact...ever since I know him, there are many times I already think he's very qian bian, but whenever I really wanna tell him that, he'll say something very innocent like "Ni shi bu shi jue de wo hen qian da?". Manz, what should I say? Say yes?!

But when I decided to heck care for once and virtually wack him with one of the MSN winks, and I was shocked when he sent one back immediately to wack me as well. See!!! I knew he wasn't that nice. HA!

I don't know why I'm like that. Why do I see him like some little kitten left on the street when he's not even one? Hello..I'm a girl manz. And I'm super attitude, but why am I giving shit about this person? Argh! Why do I always reply when he msges me?

You like him Michelle?! Do I?!?!?!? What a joke! If I ever like someone, I expect him to be a husband candidate manz. Does he fit the bill? No lor. Out of my must haves, he kinda failed so many already. Besides, if I like him, it's as good as sentencing myself to death cos he'll go home sooner or later..plus....he must be super niao that's why he never got attached before. If his standard is so high until pretty china babes also don't attract him, take a look at me....do u think I can make it? Of course not right?! Even a blind bat can tell. That's why I'm not highly sought after.

Michelle doesn't go liking guys before they tell her they like her too. Girls should be wooed, not them wooing guys. So when this fellow doesn't even like me, you expect me to like him first? I still want my face manz.

So here I am finding all the reasons I can to tell myself I'm crazy for smiling, for giving him my attention and all for my unexplained crazy reactions to anything involving him. I need to focus and take my mind off this.

I can control my feelings. I did it so many times, I'm sure I can do it once again. I still don't know why I'm behaving so weirdly, but if what others say is true..that I'm falling for him soon..and I'm at the beginning stage of it, I think it shouldn't be too late to pull out yet right? I don't want to end up liking someone when the other person doesn't like me at all. I don't want to get hurt.

Wonderful Friday

I was very happy yesterday for many reasons, and ended up NOT studying the entire day..wat the..hahah..

Earned praises from the patient I clerked, Dr Blackford and Dr Paulus during ward round and in dermatology theatre. I'm really pleased that they think I performed well yesterday. :)

Am pretty tempted to join a medical school essay writing competition, as well as the essay competition for a national competition using a case I saw yesterday. I am not sure if it'll be a good one to write up, but I will have to read up about the problem first before deciding if I have adequate info to write it up. Will do that when I have time.

Headed back to Cardiff for good yesterday last night. It feels sooooo good to be back home, and I was very happy. Had my nice dinner, and was all ready to go to the giant Tesco Extra. I was extremely excited about the trip to Tesco Extra because I have not been there for more than a year..probably even 2 years..because my ex-housemates (who got the car) always don't wanna go there. You definitely must have transport to get there cos it's darn far away, especially now when I have moved to somewhere even further away (but there r lots of other supermarkets around my new place, so it isn't a problem).

Took a bus with Chen Guang there, and I am very pleased that I made the effort to go out. It was such great fun!

I was jumping happily when I stepped into Tesco Extra, and I just started shopping. Bought so many stuffs without realising it until we went to pay. And there were so many bags to bring back. Xmas stuffs were available now too, so we were having a great time checking out the ornaments, trees, and presents...and Halloween stuffs as well. And finally I bought my cheapo pot!

Good thing I had him with me, or else I have no idea how to carry home the stuffs, despite taking a bus. But then again, am very amazed that he's not that strong...ahhahaahahaha. I dare say, for a girl like me, I am stronger than him. Hahhaa..blame his "Da Shao Ye" life in China...hahahahhaa. Having no car and no servant must be really torturing for him, no wonder he was whining about him losing weight last night.

And when we went back to his room to sort our stuffs out, he just collapsed straight onto his bed, and went "WAH....I'M SO TIRED"...hahahahahaha. How can someone ever be so weak?! I bet he felt crap too cos he started laughing at himself as well.

We went surfing around map Google because we can actually see the satellite view of our home. I was shown the areas around his house, and my favourite Forbidden City (don't ask me why I love it). This guy's damn lucky manz...stay so near all the big shopping complexes..piangz. It's like living in Orchard Road in Singapore!

He was really curious about how Sg is like, and my..he was impressed at how pretty our city looks. But was even more shocked to realise it's size compared to China.

Cos it's Friday night, and we had nothing to do. We decided to watch Initial D, so he came over to watch it since the show's on my laptop. The show was ok lah. But I think I know why guys who are mad about cars love it. I think their filming skills are not bad, as for acting...I think Jay acted well only in the bit when he started fighting with his friend. I think I prefer him being attitude than being innocent.

By the time we finished watching, I was extremely tired, so off we went to sleep in my our own rooms...and didn't get up till noon today. I have been so deprived of sleep over the past week, and I think it must accumulated, that's why I couldn't get up at all this morning.

Now I have to force myself to get some work done. Gosh..I wish I didn't have to do that..argh. I keep thinking about what fun I should have later. BAH! I shall wait till my exam is over. Muahahha...I will make sure I have lots of fun! :)

Sigh..honestly, I am beginning to like this friend of mine more and more. I feel blessed in a way for being able to know him in such an unexpected way. I do hope I can keep this friendship going. I would love to spend my Fridays or weekends going out with him if we feel like doing anything. Yet as I get to know him better, I am worried. I'm worried that I will get used to be going out with him often, and when one of us has to leave Cardiff one day, I will feel odd. And also, should I be already very used to his presence, and something happens one day whereby he's got other commitments, I don't want to feel thrown aside. I don't actually think I wanna lose a friend like him.

Yeah..I know I sound very stupid.

Birthday wishlist?

Hahah..I just read Priscilla's blog and found it really cute that she has got her bday wishlist up again.

I think it's quite good because only people you deem friends enough for them get to read your blog, you can actually let them be aware of what you're dreaming of, and if they're zi dong enough, they should go buy for you...WAHAHHAA. That's what friends are for right?

Also, since it's gonna be my big day, isn't it the perfect time for ppl to just spend some money on me? Just spend it to show me how much you care for me, how much you adore me, and how much u can't live without me can? I know I deserve it :)

Ok, that was just MY thought. I don't think Priscilla is that mean..haha..or perhaps..she's doing it so that her darling ZY can start his shopping for her big day.

And after seeing what she has done..I was thinking...maybe...MAYBE...I should start a bday wishlist (for material stuffs only..cos it's obtainable with $$$)...lol..so that my buddies can go and start saving money to buy me presents if they're pals enuff. Those who don't buy me prezzies..I WILL remember who they are, send automated emails to them abt the presents they owe me, and continue to haunt them next life.

YOU, who's reading this..are you scared? I don't care whether u are scared or not or whether you're thinking you're suay enuff to be considered a friend of mine, as long as you get me my desired presents, you can have a good's night sleep :) Yeah? It's a deal (I don't care!). Michelle said so. :P

And no excuse that you can't buy me prezzies, cos if I get my list up by the end of October, you have about 2 months to save money. But I shall be nice lah..shall try to be reasonable with my requests..hehe. :)

Elective & Medical Career path

This sounds mad, but I do quite enjoy Dermatology. I am not sure if it's because Dr Blackford made me get involved, rather than sit in the corner and just watch. Perhaps it also made me happy that she was pleased with my performance in clinics. I was expecting to get a lecture from her since I wasn't 100% confident in taking a dermatological history and not to mention, she insisted I go do it without my book (for backup purposes in case I run out of questions to ask the patient). I wanted to do a really good and detailed history to save my ass. But she was beaming away at the end of clinics yesterday, telling me that I am doing very well even without the book and all I needed was a self-confidence booster that I can do it.

Anyway, I was sitting down this week, thinking about specialties to go into since I have been asked by many doctors. Honestly, I am pretty lost. I went into Medicine for a proper reason, and now I'm torn between achieving that aim or going into a specialty because I am just interested in it. It will make a lot of difference to how I feel at the end, I'm sure, and I certainly don't want to make the wrong choice in this path. I have many regrets in my life, and I don't want my choice in Medicine to ever be one added to the list.

Somehow, the desire to be able to treat various conditions and providing my services to a larger population anytime, anywhere, is pointing the arrow towards Internal Medicine (I'm not thinking so much abt General Practice cos there are lots more I can do in the hospital) and I do have an idea of which aspect of Internal Medicine I intend to go into. But that's basically just about it. Nothing more to add.

However, I do feel interested in other specialties like Ophthalmology, Dermatology, Obs & Gynae, Forensic Medicine etc, be it whether I have done them or not. I started thinking if I can maximise my ability to treat/help the Ill if I pursue these (apart from Forensic..I help the dead then). Although I will be able to make a difference to other's lives in whatever specialty I go into, there is a limit to how much I can give help based on these. Yes, no doubt I am equipped with general medical knowledge, but docs tend to only know lots abt their specialty and not anything out of that scope. I mean...I don't actually wanna end up being a Dermatologist treating skin problems, but unable to help a patient who probably have real bad inflammatory bowel disease or TB much.

I don't know if it's still too early to be bothered by this. I'm hoping somehow, the right path will light itself up for me.

My coursemates have been surfing a lot in preparation for their elective application. And I haven't even done much about it. Decided to surf ard this afternoon to see what's available, and I am so amazed by the various options I have. Again, I'm torned between realism and personal achievements.

There are electives whereby I get to go to villages in Nepal to work in the hospital, clinics, homes etc. This is something I want to do one day..not permanently..but as and when there's some volunteering service going on, or whenever time permits me to. There are also those which are based in the UK prisons, whereby I will be handling convicts. This is an experience which I might never ever get again, and honestly, I wish I could give it a try if I am not held back by other thoughts. I'm sure Mum will be terribly against it, as it's dangerous. But my thought's completely different. Convicts need medical attention too, and their current position doesn't make them different from any human being. I want to know them better, I want to see their needs, I want to help them in any way possible (even though it's tough cos I'm just a student). Even a casual chat during history taking..I'm sure they will feel better or cared for.

Then there is another for traditional medicine, all of which are based in medical schools in China. I want to learn chinese med too, but again, I'm held back.

The reason? Realism. I want to go back to Sg for my elective, despite not looking forward to it. I know what I'll face back home and I know I run the risk of not having the guts to go home if I do my elective in Sg. I am scared, but still...I am planning to do it just to get a flavour of how the medical system in Sg works, so that I don't die of shock should I ever return home to work. But apart from that and probably grinding from the Consultants in Sg in hope that I will be more prepared for Final MB, there is no really good reason for me to return home for it. And at the end of it all, I can't talk much about my elective, have no wonderful memory that I can keep with me for life. I'm really envious of my classmates in a way..watching them pursue an elective of their interest, like going to Africa, joining some AIDS campaign, etc. It will not only look nice on the CV, but it'll be something they will never forget.

I don't feel happy one bit planning to go home just to be realistic. And I am worried realism (including future commitments & responsibilities) will end up hindering what I want to achieve with Medicine one day, and in fact, this has been haunting and bothering me a lot recently. Probably others might not understand how miserable I will feel if I ever have to do Medicine because it's just a job and having lost the main reason for my struggle all these years. No doubt I can still do something for patients in the hospital, but that's probably all I can ever do..and the best is just to serve the community...not more than that. Dad's always telling me to treasure my youth, by pursuing my dreams, making everything I ever dream of into reality before I really grow up and be fully on my own feet. But I don't even see myself being able to do so now despite being only 23. I don't have much to ask for, and neither is there much in my life that makes me look forward to anymore, and having already painfully given up things which I love because of realism, having my flame in Medicine dying is probably like taking my last breath away. I hope that day will never come. I hope Grandaunt won't be right. I do want to keep that flame alive.

I hope my dream can come true...one day.

Can't wait!!!!

It's always when exams are coming that u start fantasizing about the billion things u wanna do after that huh?

I got really excited this evening, and just can't wait for my exam to be over even though I'm damn screwed at the moment with my revision. Shit manz...argh.

Having tentative plans for post block exam:
1. Having fun with Sophie
2. Dinner with Jaime & another gal
3. Dimsum with Jaime & whoever who wanna join us
4. Movie with Chen Guang

Just a curiosity...to those reading this (and bothering to answer me), do u guys feel insulted/offended etc. if a girl says she's fine with paying her own movie ticket if the guy said he's treating u to a movie?

Somehow, I think they do feel it, even though I don't understand why and as a result, I'm always saying I'll pay for my ticket. Maybe some kind soul wanna explain to insensitive me?

Fill my life with dance

I miss dancing. I miss the joy I have when I watch dances or when I'm doing it myself.

So in order to try to feel this joy for a while, I have to resort to replaying a part of a movie again and again. And also to search for dance clips to download and watch. I'm that desperate.

Legs feel really itchy. And in my room in Swansea, I started dancing to the various music playing on my laptop in my room.

Managed to release some emotions through it, but it doesn't feel satisfying. It still feels different.
And I couldn't stop questioning myself whenever I feel that way abt whether my life will be completely different if I pursued dance rather than go to JC. Unrealistic, but will I be happier? I don't feel happy at all being present me..

My first Emergency in UK

I had my 1st and hopefully will be the last REAL emergency I'll ever experience in my dunno how many yrs I intend to be here last night.

Heard the fire alarm go off somewhere, but was thinking it could be that of another building around mine, but quite some time later, mine went off as well. It was at a crazy hour of 2+am, and even when the alarm went off, everyone was just awoken but not getting out of bed, and carefully listening to whether your other flatmates are taking any action for it.

And amazingly, I was the first to actually bother getting out of my room and the others followed when they heard me open my door. It was really funny when u see what your flatmates are wearing in the middle of the night. Gosh..*lol* We were all wearing terribly "salted vege" clothes, and one even came out with a tee and undies! That girl had her bf in her room..so hmm...I think one can guess what the hell they're doing inside..haha.

As we were walking to the lift, we realised certain areas of our level's carpet was totally soaked in puddles of water. Sensing that something is really amiss, we hurried down 12 storeys to gather.

It was absolutely freezing out there, and I do regret for not wearing a pair of jeans and having proper shoes on. Good thing I remembered grabbing a jacket and my wallet.

The fire brigades came, and it was hours and hours of wait in the lobby while they were busy checking the entire 21 storey building. Some ppl didn't have shoes on, some without tops, some in bath robes, while some were in mismatched pyjamas. Everyone was sleepy, some grumpy while some were trying to make the best out of our pathetic situation by talking rubbish, making ppl luff, and practically making merry if tt's the best way to describe it. Zhang Zhen and Chun Xiao were quite tired, so the 3 of us just sat ard and didn't talk much.

I was kinda irritated for a bit cos I found some of them really rowdy and too noisy. I mean..during such situations, won't one think about what's the next step to take, rather than just sitting there and making noise? Perhaps I'm just serious..I don't know.

Only after quite a long wait were we told that we're not able to go back to our rooms anymore, and buses will be coming to bring us to a sports hall to sleep for the night. I was really worried because I had no phone with me, and I can't miss my placement next week in Swansea either. Plus, I didn't turn off my laptop and my other electrical switches. I was finding ways to go back to my room, but couldn't think of an excuse until a guy said he's gotta get his medications from his room before leaving. Soon after, more and more ppl came up with this excuse, and there was a huge crowd waiting to go up, while some just couldn't be bothered and just went to board the bus.

I managed to be escorted back to my room after being warned not to take anything else down but medicine. I was told to get up there as fast as I can..so yeah..for once u see Michelle running up 12 storeys without stopping..and the ppl behind me couldn't even catch up. Even the security guard was shocked at the way I ran up. Grabbed necessary stuffs, put them in a bag and happily went back to the lobby with Zhang Zhen. And because I was worried the security might not allow me to bring my bag down, I even grabbed a packet of medication just to make the lie look real...hahaa.

And it was only at the lobby when I bumped into Chen Guang again. What a pleasant surprise! I met him while I was at the admin office many weeks ago to query abt something, and he happened to be having some problems with the accomodation, and the British found it hard to understand his English as well...so I was asked to be the translater. I was quite amazed that he still remembers me, and wasn't unfriendly at all.

Poor guy had no wallet, and was wearing slippers..and he wasn't allowed to go up there (he's lazy too..lol). And oh boy was he really pleased to see a familiar face, so throughout the night, we were hanging out tgt. It was quite good cos through this emergency situation, I got to know my new friends here better, and also met new people. Was lying down and chatting throughout the night with Chen Guang, talking about our education, life, parents etc. It would have been great if the other 2 girls could join us but they were so tired that they went somewhere else to stone. By the way, while these 2 girls were stoning, there was a Chinese girl who went up to make friends with them, and Chun Xiao told me the girl is a Singaporean. I was overjoyed!!!! Finally..I have found someone from home. Chatted quite a while with her. She's a very decent and quite a nice girl. Jamie's her name :)

We spent the entire night as refugees in the sports hall, having registered with Red Cross and keep ourselves warm by having hot drinks.

When dawn broke, we were sent to Jury's Hotel, which is near my accomodation. Again, everyone was rotting together in a function room. We were given blankets and pillows, and because there wasn't enough, ppl just starting lying on the carpet and just sleep.

To be honest, I'm really grateful for having Chen Guang ard yesterday. I wasn't expecting him to care much abt me after we get off the bus each time, but he was always waiting for me, and when I dozed off in the function room, he even kindly went to get a blanket to cover me with it, which unfortunately woke me up a little. I felt sooooooooo touched.

After a while, the 2 girls joined us, and cos I saw Jaime ard alone, I got her to join us. :) It was a lot of chatting going on throughout the day. We watched downloaded variety shows together etc. It was quite fun, despite tiring.

Meal times was terrible. Because we didn't bother to rush for the food during lunch, we ended up having nothing but leftover potato chips and miserable small pieces of sandwiches. Zhang Zhen and Chun Xiao then decided to be one of the first to get dinner in the evening, and true enough, they were one of the first few. And because they saw Chen Guang and me behind, they got us to stand tgt with them and even helped us get plates (Jaime went off to work already...sigh..). And when everyone was fighting to get food during dinner, these 2 girls were very aggressive in squeezing their way through, and grabbed as much as they could. Knowing that we were behind and had no way of getting through, they just grabbed our plates and filled it up with food for us...hahahaha. How sweet of them huh? :D

And we took so much that at the end of it, Zhang Zhen was forcing the leftovers down her throat....hahahha. The food wasn't very nice anyway.

There was many rooms which were flooded in the building. Some was really ruined by the water. It was due to a pipe that burst and caused the flood. And because of that, the affected students had to move out of their room to another new one at the other wing of the building. Fortunately, my flat wasn't affected (I hope it stays this way...*crosses fingers*) and I was able to return to my intact flat and stay there after the fire brigade and police gave permission to do so. So here I am in my comfy room blogging now.

Feel pretty tired, but gotta revise again since I have wasted the entire day not revising much but sleeping. But yeah..I'm happy :)

SURPRISE!!!!!!

I am soooooooooo HAPPY! I have been hopping and jumping in my room despite feeling tired today. This is mad! Feels as if I have found gold on the floor.

This is such a surprise...

A parcel from Singapore! Manz..how nice is that?!?!?!?! I just love cards, letters and of cos presents from Singapore when I'm stuck here in cold boring UK. And what more can get me to smile happily after a long day in hospital feeling absolutely tired and lifeless.

Ok lah, actually I knew this was arriving when Darren told me that a surprise is on its way. Then somehow, the parcel didn't arrive. It must have got lost somewhere in the mountains, and finally it's here!!!! Just when I thought it will never arrive..hehe.

Wanna know what's in this box?


How's that?!?!?!?!?

Simple card...

VCDs...

I am already very happy when I saw the VCDs, but wah liew..what got me even happier was....



The packaging of VCDs from KL! Isn't it neat and presentable? I can never get VCDs with such nice packaging from Sg. Wow!

Then the quite gross part came..hahahahaa.....

Look what happened to the mooncake. Pity it manz. It had a tough journey to reach where I am, and must have got so frustrated and stressed that it decided to misshapen. It's green somemore :X It'll be cool if mooncakes don't grow mould if you keep them for ages..cos I really feel like keeping this one for remembrance. Shall share my lanterns and mooncakes with my friends here.

I am extremely touched. I mean..I really didn't expect presents specially bought for me while on holiday in KL.

Anyone else wanna give me surprises? Even letters also can...basically anything but pleasant ones only ok? :P

Anyway, wanna say "Thanks Darren..Thank you very very much". You really made my Monday great.

My new place in Cardiff

Since my parents have been pestering me about why I only take pics of my Swansea room and not that of Cardiff, I decided to just take a few to send home. So shun bian post it up here for those whose necks are growing longer and longer to see it...haha..

The pics aren't gonna let you feel that my place's a hotel. But it really is one, at least for students.

That's the corridor of my flat (pardon the papers on the floor). The door in u see before you will take u to the kitchen and living room. Unfortunately, my flatmates are having a wild time in there, so I didn't wanna go in and interrupt them with my camera. Then again, I should have gone in and take a group photo hor? Oh well..next time perhaps. Gotta find a weekend to have a Flat Night's out.. :)



Welcome to my room!!!! :D

Ok, at the extreme left of the pic's the door of my room. The key's a card..cool hor? The grey door leads to the toilet.

That's my toilet....
Sorry manz. Couldn't possibly take every angle of it. I don't think u are very interested in my toilet too lah hor?

My princess bed..haha. Beneath the bed is a storage compartment where I store my luggages. Yah..those soft toys are my presents. My cow's from Lemon, the brown bear from Yuhan and the other 2 from Kunsen. They're cute hor? The white bear can sing "Happy Birthday" somemore..lol...

Presenting to you the area I'm always stuck at...

The amount of books and files I still have in Cardiff scares me. I just sent back one big carton of books and files, and still so many left.

The minor details in my room... I took for fun :)

My soft toys cute hor? Still got a lot which I didn't take pics of. Manz, I realise I have so many soft toys in my room...all presents ok..it's not because I love soft toys.

I simply love my Hello Kitty slippers to bits though..hehe. $10 from a shop in The Arcade in Sg. Damn cheap right? I luv it so much that I seldom wear it. By the way, please appreciate the beauty of my nice carpet. Matches my room well huh..hehe.

Tada...see how it's like when the curtains r open. I hate having it open though..

For the cheapest type of flat available, I can only go for the city view. Didn't wanna pay more just to overlook the Cardiff Bay..so oh well...not bad lah..can see train... :X LOL...


How's it? Not bad lah hor? At least I feel pleased with it. It's not massive, but comfy enough for me.

At least now I know

I feel better after letting everything go last night.

And I have to thank "you" for it. Thanks for telling me "the thing" which forced me to think.

Probably you didn't realise it, but it did make me realise how much and how long I have been running away from this heart-breaking issue. Even though it isn't going to make a difference to my current status or what actions I wanna take (or hope to take) to revive a dead plant, at least I feel glad that I know clearly where I am standing. Not far from the starting point, but at least I know I have taken a few steps forward and have confirmed it.

You are right. I am in control. I have to get out of this tunnel myself. Slowly..gradually..but I will reach the exit and welcome what the exit has in store for me. I hope..one day I can tell u, myself and everyone one firmly "I am out completely." and all ready to accept the bits of life I have lost, sacrificed or neglected for so long.

I hope I didn't make u upset or disappointed in the process. I really appreciate the daily care and concern u gave me, especially over the past month. Thanks for your maturity, thanks for your patience, thanks for your understanding, thanks for the every little thing u did.

The scary part of guys revealed

I had the most shocking, interesting, amazing, amusing car ride back to Cardiff yesterday.

Raoul was kind enough to give me and Dan a lift back to Cardiff. And it was non stop talking in the car. It was great cos we got to know each other better, and for once, I know exactly what guys were thinking and the topics guys talk about.

First, it started off with girls. It was about how liberal and agressive girls are these days. There Raoul went on about how a girl he got acquainted at a pub asking him if he wants to go home tgt with her after a brief snog. I just can't imagine, but hey..it's UK..what u expect manz...

Then we went on discussing if sex is basically a western culture and sex in a relationship. According to Raoul, sex is part of the rship, and it's meaningless and absurd if u don't sleep with your partner when u're in a rship with him/her. That got me really worked up and I totally disagree with him, despite seeing the point that sex does bring a rship to a higher level.

And Raoul started asking if I will mind dating a white guy. Well, definitely I will have more to think about, but I will much prefer someone from home. I asked him if there is any white guy who doesn't believe in sex before marriage, and he started luffing, and said unless he's a staunch christian, if not, it's not possible. Hmm..is it that bad? But..deep down, I still firmly believe that there will be at least a white guy who isn't christian who will believe in sex only after marriage. :)

Dan and him then started asking me what I do I think about before I go into a rship, and it did amaze them. Dan described me as a girl who isn't looking for a bf but a husband...lol..how true. And he even said I'm mature and realistic. I was quite shocked when he said that. I was expecting him to have heard some rumours in the past from some ppl here, and probably see me as a flirt or an easy girl. I feel pretty consoled that he doesn't seem to see me that way.

Then..the insane part came...

Dan: I took a history from a patient, and she said her husband and her only have sex twice a week. That's really sad.

Raoul: Yeah. I would think it's under the low side, but if I have sex with my gf or wife twice a week, I shall be contented and not ask for more.

Me: WHAT?! TWICE A WEEK?! That's a lot!!!!

Dan and Raoul: No..it isn't!!!! It's pathetic!

Dan: How often you reckon will be enough?

Me: I dunno..maybe once a mth? Or..once or twice a year? Or...maybe when u want babies?

Dan: I really pity your husband in future, Michelle.

Raoul: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Me: Then how much is enough?

Dan: I would think...5-7 a week is what I'll go for.

Me: R u crazy?! You think she won't be tired after work everyday?

Dan: Hello? She doesn't even have to do anything. She just have to lie there and we do the job. Guys just wanna make their girl feel good ok.

Me: *disgusted look*

Raoul: HAHAHHAHAHA

They then went on telling me that I'll think differently after I have my first sexual rship. Really meh? *doubtful look*

It then led on to whether I have anyone in mind. And when Raoul know that I'm not attached...

Raoul: Hey Daniel, maybe we can earn some revenue by starting a "Michelle goes for a date" similar to that of "The Bachelorette".

Daniel: Yeah..sounds like a good idea

Raoul: Michelle...how's that? We'll keep a lookout for u..and find u a husband.

Me: Err..hahah..go find one if u can..I bet u if u call for applicants, no one will apply

Raoul: Tell me your criteria

Me: *gives a list*

Raoul: Hahaha..no sleeping ard...and the 'no sex before marriage' bit. Hey Dan, maybe we can even go on to a Part 2 on "Michelle tries to keep her rship".

Dan: Hahaha...


That last bit from Raoul seem to have a 2nd meaning manz. Makes me wonder if I'm normal or not. Am I that bad ha?


(Oh..it's Jiao Joo's bday today..muahahahaahahaha....my memory very gd hor? I still rem it since 1o yrs ago...!!!)