Just forget it Michelle

I'm very sad, but I can't let it out.

I feel uncomfortable inside. I don't know what I am feeling.

Why do I have to think about a bottom meaning of whatever he tells me? Why do I feel sad..very sad...but I cannot show him that I am? Who is he? He's just a friend, a guy not from Singapore, someone who is another who is gonna leave, someone who should have no impact on me in whatever he does...but...no. I claim that he's a friend, and I want him to stay that way, but at the same time when I say that, I know he has an impact on me.

I felt something when I saw the Cambridge prospectus. I knew he will leave if he gets in. I asked him about it again, and he said if he gets in, he will definitely go. If not, he'll go home. Yeah..who wouldn't go to Cambridge? I hope he gets in..but at the same time, I know I'll be very sad. And I actually told him that. I told him I hope he won't leave, but maybe he didn't think I was serious. All he did was laugh and go "Why would u not want me to leave? It doesn't matter. You have many other friends here I'm sure. You've been here for a long time." I don't blame him for saying that, and I didn't explain either. We only got to know each other, there are too many things he doesn't know and I don't think he's interested to know what I went through either. I didn't smile. I didn't say anything except a "No, I don't have many friends". He went "If you're really sad, u will cry. But you're not." How can I cry in front of him? He doesn't know anything. I didn't want to him to get a shock too. But why won't he believe me?

Over the past week, I have put that thought abt whether he likes me aside. I have decided not to wanna find out, I don't wanna do anything about it, because I kept telling myself that he doesn't like me and have been finding more and more evidence to support my speculation. And I managed to convince myself, but why....WHY is it when I have been convinced does he make me think otherwise again?

I am confused by his actions. I cannot help thinking if he has a reason for the things he's doing. Why would someone ask u suddenly "You have gone through 7 relationships, mostly you have taken very seriously, if u get into another, will u have lost faith in a guy and not be good to him anymore?" ? Why would someone wanna pull up the arm rest between cinema seats and grumble when he can't? Why would someone hug u? Why would someone take your hand and put his in yours? Even if it was only for a minute..why would anyone do that? Why would someone tell u "You're the first girl I spent overnight with, so u should feel honoured."? What's all that supposed to mean? Are they hints? Perhaps I was just being sensitive, but I can't help thinking.

And when I started wondering if they were hints, he had to say things which made me think otherwise again.

I was quite worked up over something he said last night.

CG: I have never liked anyone before. I don't know what it is like to like someone.
Michelle: Why?
CG: I don't know.
Michelle: How are u going to get married one day then? I'm sure your parents will pester u when u're older.
CG: They will. I'm sure they will. Maybe when I'm 25-26. But they're the sort who expects the girl to be of the same social status as us. And I'm sure they will take their friends' daughters and matchmake me with them. And to be honest, I don't like China girls' personality.
Michelle: And u're just going to let them do so and get married?
CG: Yes.
Michelle: BUT WHY?! U DON'T LIKE THEM!
CG: I don't want to argue with my parents. And if they think she's good for me, and I think she's average looking, I will just marry her even if she's got a shitty personality.
Michelle: You shouldn't. If you don't like her, just say u don't. You don't have to force yourself just to please your parents. It's your happiness!
CG: I don't really care. At most if I think I can't stand her, we'll get a divorce. I'm ok without living with her. In fact, I can't imagine myself marrying a girl. I'm too used to leading a life of my own. But if we got a child, she has to leave the child behind. She can leave.

I was very disappointed. I almost said "You can't. I don't want u to do that. Don't." and in my head I was thinking "I have to get us together cos I don't want to see u marrying someone else. I hate it. I really do." What was I thinking? This is so mad. His happiness shouldn't even be of my concern right?

I don't know what I'm talking anymore. I feel very very lousy now.