Drained
I'm so physically and mentally exhausted that I really couldn't wake up today.
I wasn't in the mood to do much for the past few days. Probably because I'm fighting some flu virus which has yet to be full blown, and probably because I am troubled by many things.
Electives, him, career. Just when I want to leave them all aside, they ALL came back to me yesterday. I've gotta fill in my elective application soon, and I have no idea where I should go, with a good reason. Home's the choice, but why? I don't know. Why is everyone so excited about it when I'm not? I love my home, but why is this happening? I wasn't even expecting myself to feel this way.
Had a few hours' chat with Michelle Tang. She doesn't wanna go home, and trying to find someone to go to a foreign land with her for elective. She thought of doing traditional chinese medicine. I was excited about the thought of it, and she said maybe we should go to China today. I do want to learn it, but...somehow..something is holding me back. I don't know what it is.
Anyway, I have to try to settle the elective issue ASAP, whether I like it or not.
Michelle talked to me about our plan after graduation. If things go well, it's not very far away since time really flies. And our lecturers are already reminding us about it again and again. Again, I'm lost. What should I do about myself? Where should I go? Do I have a good reason for carrying out my actions? Sg? UK? Or somewhere else? I really wanna go home one day, but when will that day come? I realise the more I want to be home, the more I can't. And at times, I am really scared that I'll never make it back, and end up elsewhere my whole life.
And him. For the past weeks, especially since last week, it was more guessing games. I'm tired of it. If only he saw me face-to-face, I'm sure he will know I'm very exhausted and it takes more and more of my leftover energy to say anything to him. I want to be selfish, but I cannot and I should not. I have to keep reminding myself that I should let him do what is best for him, and I should cheer him on no matter what is going to happen after a year.
My tears rolled when he told me something is holding him back and said he's worried he'll miss me very much if he leaves. I should be very happy, should be very touched that at least, he did think of me when he's deciding about what he should do. And he actually told me that he feels lost about what path he should take now. He doesn't know if he should change his plans.
Last night, he said I sounded weird. Yes, I was. I was collapsing from exhaustion. I'm sinking deeper and deeper, and trying to control myself. I finally got to know how he felt, and what was going on in his mind. I feel the same when we thought about what's going to happen if there's gonna be anything between us. I don't know if he's trying to control himself. I know I am, but it's difficult. The more I try, the worse it gets, the more it hurts. And the shit thing is entering this dark tunnel which I don't even know what's at the end.
I got very insecured yesterday. I could have told him everything about how I felt, because he was very interested to know and kept asking me to tell him. But I couldn't tell him everything. I didn't want to be unreasonable. I didn't want to demand because it's not fair to him. I didn't want to ask for more than what I am given willingly by him. I should be happy enough that he's spending 1-2 hours chatting with me every night, and reserving Friday evenings for me. As a friend, that's already more than what I deserve. And I should not ask for more than just having be able to keep this friendship cos I'm sure we both know that nothing will ever come out of this. I have to remind myself. I have to.
Maybe I should try to see it from another angle. Maybe...I should still enjoy every outing and chat with him, and make full use of the time we have together until he leaves. Leave that moment till when we see each other for perhaps..the last time.
I wasn't in the mood to do much for the past few days. Probably because I'm fighting some flu virus which has yet to be full blown, and probably because I am troubled by many things.
Electives, him, career. Just when I want to leave them all aside, they ALL came back to me yesterday. I've gotta fill in my elective application soon, and I have no idea where I should go, with a good reason. Home's the choice, but why? I don't know. Why is everyone so excited about it when I'm not? I love my home, but why is this happening? I wasn't even expecting myself to feel this way.
Had a few hours' chat with Michelle Tang. She doesn't wanna go home, and trying to find someone to go to a foreign land with her for elective. She thought of doing traditional chinese medicine. I was excited about the thought of it, and she said maybe we should go to China today. I do want to learn it, but...somehow..something is holding me back. I don't know what it is.
Anyway, I have to try to settle the elective issue ASAP, whether I like it or not.
Michelle talked to me about our plan after graduation. If things go well, it's not very far away since time really flies. And our lecturers are already reminding us about it again and again. Again, I'm lost. What should I do about myself? Where should I go? Do I have a good reason for carrying out my actions? Sg? UK? Or somewhere else? I really wanna go home one day, but when will that day come? I realise the more I want to be home, the more I can't. And at times, I am really scared that I'll never make it back, and end up elsewhere my whole life.
And him. For the past weeks, especially since last week, it was more guessing games. I'm tired of it. If only he saw me face-to-face, I'm sure he will know I'm very exhausted and it takes more and more of my leftover energy to say anything to him. I want to be selfish, but I cannot and I should not. I have to keep reminding myself that I should let him do what is best for him, and I should cheer him on no matter what is going to happen after a year.
My tears rolled when he told me something is holding him back and said he's worried he'll miss me very much if he leaves. I should be very happy, should be very touched that at least, he did think of me when he's deciding about what he should do. And he actually told me that he feels lost about what path he should take now. He doesn't know if he should change his plans.
Last night, he said I sounded weird. Yes, I was. I was collapsing from exhaustion. I'm sinking deeper and deeper, and trying to control myself. I finally got to know how he felt, and what was going on in his mind. I feel the same when we thought about what's going to happen if there's gonna be anything between us. I don't know if he's trying to control himself. I know I am, but it's difficult. The more I try, the worse it gets, the more it hurts. And the shit thing is entering this dark tunnel which I don't even know what's at the end.
I got very insecured yesterday. I could have told him everything about how I felt, because he was very interested to know and kept asking me to tell him. But I couldn't tell him everything. I didn't want to be unreasonable. I didn't want to demand because it's not fair to him. I didn't want to ask for more than what I am given willingly by him. I should be happy enough that he's spending 1-2 hours chatting with me every night, and reserving Friday evenings for me. As a friend, that's already more than what I deserve. And I should not ask for more than just having be able to keep this friendship cos I'm sure we both know that nothing will ever come out of this. I have to remind myself. I have to.
Maybe I should try to see it from another angle. Maybe...I should still enjoy every outing and chat with him, and make full use of the time we have together until he leaves. Leave that moment till when we see each other for perhaps..the last time.
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