He's the sweetest..

Last night, I started thinking about my patients. As we all know, angmos take their relationships very lightly, and it isn't easy for an angmo couple to stay in their first marriage till they grow old. But I have quite a few patients who have been in their first marriage till they're in their 80s, and are still as loving as ever. And even if the other half has become demented or very ill, the husband/wife never fails to turn up everyday to the wards to spend time with her/him.

I sprang a random question on Dearie...

Me: Will you still love me and look after me when I grow really old and ugly and fall very ill?
Him: Of course I will.

And suddenly, I remembered how he took care of me when I had a bone infection after removal of my wisdom teeth. I have a high pain threshold, but the pain from the infection was so bad that several times I woke up in tears. I relied heavily on strong painkillers, and each time it was nearing the time for another dose, the pain would come and I would be in agony with it. I couldn't eat anything at all (even porridge was difficult), and drinking soup and water isn't going to keep me surviving for long, so Dearie made me Chawan Mushi, and I would have it faithfully for every meal until I became well enough to try solid food. Because of the pain, I spent most of the time sleeping and he would wake me up and feed me slowly with it, and if I were awake, I would watch him making it carefully in the kitchen and he would watch me eating it slowly. The Chawan Mushi he makes is delicious, and I still miss it.

I was telling him how much I miss it, and he said he'll make it for me when I go to Beijing in about 3 weeks' time.

My darling is the sweetest, isn't he?

Love some people :)

Was looking at the online feedback I've got from various health professionals, and suddenly, I miss my days in Cardiology.

It was my first rotation in my first job after graduation, and I couldn't have gotten through it if it weren't for the wonderful cardiology nurses I've got working hand in hand with me. Saw the Cardiology Sisters and nurses during the weekend as I was asked to review a patient urgently who became very acutely unwell. Seeing them really made some of my misery go away for a while. Although I'm having a relatively good time with my current rotation, I do enjoy working with the Cardiology people more. I still remember how I would drag my tired body to the wards an hour before the start of my day, but would start waking up once the Cardio nurses starts making me laugh with funny things, and of course, I won't forget pharmacist assistant Eleanor (the one who never fails to joke and laugh regardless of rain or shine) and the ever helpful pharmacists Jen and Malcolm. Love them!!!!!

Rang the Cardio ward today to ask them about forms for a sophisticated cardiac investigation which I have to arrange for a patient. When I went "Hi, this is the HO here. I need some assistance...", immediately a loud "HEY, IS THAT MICHELLE?!?!??!?!" came through on the other end. It was Sophie, a young Cardio nurse the same age as me. Love this babe loads. She was the nurse who came into the treatment room to console me when I cried after being lectured in front of everyone in the wards once when I made an error once by sending a patient home with a relatively high dose warfarin over the weekend since I didn't realise that this patient was living in an area which is inaccessible.

Anyway, what made me love them even more is their willingness to assist me even though I'm no longer their HO. It was an investigation they weren't too sure abt how to request, but they bothered to give me pointers on who to ring up and speak to.

Another nurse I adore to the max is a Filipino nurse in SSU. I first met her in a Gastro ward when I was still in Cardio, and now she's been transferred to SSU, one of the wards I tend to go to quite often everyday. She was working during the weekend, and knowing how tiring and busy it can get for me, each time she saw me, she would go "Shall I make a cup of tea or coffee for u?" or "Shall I get you something to eat?". I have had nurses passing tins of chocolates for me to grab a few whenever they see me rushing around (they keep saying I need to eat more, and chocs will prevent me from turning hypo), but she's the first nurse who offers to make me tea and get me food. When she knew I was quite hungry, she even offered me half of her box of sandwich!!!!! How nice is that?!

But the funny thing about her is the way she addresses me..."Dr Michelle". I feel extremely uncomfortable when I'm addressed that way (one of the cardio sisters calls me that too). She's always so polite and isn't one of those arsy nurses who kinda forgets that they're still nurses and not the Consultant, demanding me to do this and that test without getting their facts right.

Misdiagnosis - a fear

A cardiac arrest call was sent out during my on call today. It was an elderly lady sent in by the paramedics after collapsing on the floor. CPR was done by them for 30 minutes before a pulse was detected on her, and the total journey to the hospital was about 1 hr.

The ECG showed a massive MI (aka heart attack). Her blood pressure was extremely low, and her oxygen saturations were low as well. The cardiac monitor showed an abnormal rhythm, and we managed to got it back on track by pacing it.

Apparently, this lady has been complaining of chest pain for 3 days, and has been seen by the GP, who didn't send her into the hospital. And this chest pain was actually a MI.

She died in the end.

I was talking to my Consultant about lesions seen on chest xrays. Mum had an xray done about 2 mths back, and there was a lesion, which her Cardiologist thinks it's a granuloma. Mum was worried that the lesion could be lung cancer, and asked for my opinion. It does look like a granuloma, looking different from the typical spiculated lung cancer lesion I normally would see on chest xrays. But today, my Consultant told me that it is difficult to differentiate from the 2 with a plain chest xray film. Obviously, the history will be able to give us clues as to whether it's more likely to be a granuloma or a cancer, but then again, many lung cancer patients present late and can go asymptomatic until very late stages. This got me very worried, and I can't help pondering abt it on my way back after work. Sent Dad a sms to get him to let Aunt Linda look at the xray for a 2nd opinion. I definitely don't want to misdiagnose and regret my whole life if my assumption is wrong.

The cardiac arrest reminded me of the consequences of a misdiagnosis.

This is the fearful part of being a doctor. Doctors aren't god, and many times things aren't within our control. But we can save someone, yet kill someone if the diagnosis is wrong. The cardiac arrest resulted from a misdiagnosis, and having killed a person was the consequence of this. I was asking myself this when it happened..."What if I was the doctor who misdiagnosed this?"

When I saw this patient lying in the Resuscitation, I thought abt my uncle. It's been 6-7 yrs now, and I have not forgotten. Neither do I think I ever will. I haven't paid my respects to him in the temple for a long time, and each time I see his tablet with his smiling photo, this strong feeling of guilt will stir in me. Until today, I cannot forgive myself for what happened and neither can I forget how my cousin was crying really badly next to his corpse and talking to him.

I still blame myself till now for being only a pathetic 1st or 2nd year medical student, who hasn't been taught anything clinical, hence, I had absolutely no clinical knowledge. He was telling me that he's having some chest discomfort and difficulty breathing, and thought it was probably due to alcohol. I thought it was due to alcohol as well, and even told him that he'll be fine. And the next day, he died. If only I could go back to the same situation with my current knowledge, I would have sent him to the hospital immediately. Probably things would be completely different now.

Although I have managed to diagnose many cases correctly now, I know my fear is still present.

With the case for Mum, I don't feel comfortable at all now. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I really don't want to make another mistake which will haunt me for life, especially when she's my Mum.

Hate weekend on calls...

I HATE WEEKEND ON CALLS!!!!!

Not because I lose my Saturday and Sunday, but more about the crap bleeps I get from wards. I know I should approach my start of the day with a smile, and enthusiasm, but having experienced what a fucking pain weekend on calls are before, I know what's expected.

I have to say this again. Some nurses are BRILLIANT, while some farking don't use their brains. Stupidest bleep for the day, "Doctor, the patient is low in potassium and the team has written him up for potassium tablets. Can I give it?"

It makes me wonder if she feels dumb even asking me that question. I don't think it takes even a doctor to know if the answer is yes or no. And if the patient shouldn't be taking those tablets, then why the hell would that patient's team write him up for it?

And I bloody hate it when I get bleeped to do something when I'm busy or on ward rounds, and then when I manage to make time to rush down to do it, nurses start getting arsy and grumble abt why I'm taking so long to come down to do cannulation. CCB! I mean, if u can't wait 1 hr to administer the antibiotics, bloody find some ass to do the cannulation yourself. I'm peeved by the fact already that HDU nurses are incompetent, WORSE THAN ANY OTHER WARD NURSES, and I don't need another HDU nurse to remind me again of his/her incompetence.

Plus phlebs...knn (I'm being very vulgar today cos I'm upset!). Today, they went on strike again. How terribly irresponsible. And I turned from an on call doctor into an on call phleb today. Does that make any logical sense?

Honestly, this isn't the first time the phlebs went on strike on weekends, and they got me pissed off yesterday when they refused to go to the ward to bleed my patients because my ward is closed due to some diarrhoea "epidemic" going on. This does not make any logical sense to me, because if nurses and doctors are supposed to still enter a "closed" ward, no reason for any other health professional to say "No, I'm not going in." It's SHEER laziness and I am not willing to accept any other excuses.

Whenever I get pissed off like this, it just makes me want to climb up the hierachy even more. If I were a Consultant, I bet you NO ONE in the hospital will dare say anything back if I put my foot down and insist that things are done the way I want it. That's what power is all about, and I'm having to face all this shit because I'm only a junior doctor, a position so lowly that it doesn't deserve any respect from anyone in this shit place.

Few more months and I can bid farewell to those I dread in this hospital. I know I'm gonna face another type of shit back home, but I'll grumble abt it when it happens. And hopefully it wouldn't be that bad as here, since angmos are well known to be lazy and got the heck care attitude, which I am sick of.

I swear when I become a Consultant one day, I will NOT let any of these people step on my tail or get on my nerves. And I shall make sure what I say stands, and if I demand for something, I shall make sure it is done. No excuses or buts will be entertained. Period.

They make me smile, they make me cry

Mummy used to tell me that doctors become numb to deaths after some time, and this is something worrying. And each time I tell her that I was asked to certify a death, she would always ask me how I felt.

I did feel a tinge of sadness when I certified by first death, even though it was a patient I didn't know. But subsequently, I felt nothing.

It wasn't about me turning numb like other doctors. I guess what happens in a real hospital is totally different from how it is shown on dramas. You don't get doctors staying by the side of the patient all the time. There are many patients under the care of each medical team, and apart from taking care of patients, doctors are always kept busy with other stuffs like meetings, preparing presentations, adminstrative jobs, audits and writing journal articles. It is usually the nurses who are having more patient contact, whilst we only appear in front of the patient when we get bleeped because so-and-so requires urgent attention, when we're doing our daily ward rounds or doing paperwork on the wards e.g. writing up drug charts and discharge summaries. Therefore, it proves difficult for doctors to develop feelings for patients, which is relatively good in a way since emotions can affect a person's rationality and management. Yet, I do not deny the fact that sometimes we are slowly losing the empathy and feelings which all warm-blooded human beings are meant to possess.

I was called to do a death certificate for a patient of mine...

Me: I'll come back and rewrite these drug charts. I need to go to Mortuary first.
Nurse: Going to the Mortuary is good news.
Me: Why?
Nurse: The dead can't talk back to you.
Me: *stunned* I'm just going to fill in a certificate.

What this nurse said was absolutely appalling. I can't imagine anyone ever telling me this. I would NEVER think that going to the Mortuary is good news.

And it did upset me a little (I didn't say anything or show that I was upset though) because right behind the nurses counter was a room where one of my patients is dying. How would my dying patient feel if she heard what was being said?

Talking about this dying patient of mine, it did come as a surprise that she suddenly deteriorated over the weekend. She wasn't responding well to the antibiotic treatment to begin with, and somehow, things got more and more complicated since she had multiple health problems. Although I haven't spent very much time with her, but she was the patient who is most ill on my list, and I have been trying hard to keep a close eye on her condition and blood tests. I don't talk very much to her, and she will only see me when I'm doing my ward round or to do ABG, blood tests, and venous cannulation, but deep down, I was concerned.

With a deterioration of her condition, I guess she has lost the will to live, and hence, have stated that she doesn't want to go through even more to survive. She would be the perfect candidate for ICU, but she has declined to get sent there, and would rather let nature takes its course.

I have been feeling pretty emotional each time I see her, and it doesn't help when her family are always crying around her. When I was informed that her condition was going downhill again yesterday, I ran back to the ward even though it was past my knock-off time. I kept looking at the drug chart to think of what else I can do to ease her breathing and keep her alive longer, but she was already all the optimum treatment anyone could have given her. Her blood pressure plunged downhill, and I had to ask the nurses to stop the diuretic infusion, which I know will end up causing fluid to accumulate in her lungs, and it will only be sooner or later that she will find her breathing getting more laboured, but that was the only thing I could do. I just couldn't keep the infusion going because she'll die on me very quickly if her pressure plunges even lower. All I could do was instruct the nurses to give her morphine ease her respiratory distress and keep her as comfortable as possible. When I saw the Night Registrar coming to my ward, I told him that I don't want my patient to die, and if I could give her a very potent drug to push her blood pressure up, just so that I can keep the infusion going. But unfortunately, despite my suggestion being appropriate, it was rejected as this medication can only be given if she gets sent to HDU/ICU, and she has declined to sent there. I felt this great sense of helplessness, and I was on the verge of crying when I was asked to do another ABG on her.

I held my tears back when I walked into her room because I didn't want her to sense that I know her time is up soon (even though I'm sure she knew..but imagine how demoralising it would be if your own doctor cried before u).

"My granny has very bad veins. Everyone has problems taking blood from her" her granddaughter said.

"She will succeed. She has never failed once on me whenever she does it." my patient said.

I didn't say anything, and my nose was starting to run, even though I was in controlling my tears well. I ended up having to grab a tissue to blow my nose first.

"Why are you sniffing?" she asked.
"I'm not sure. My nose is just starting to run." I said.
"You must be tired after a very long day." she said.
"No, I'm not tired. I'm ok." I answered.

Together with my emotions, pressure of her family around her, her confidence in me, and knowing that this will probably be the last time I will ever do any blood test on her, I was under a lot of pressure to succeed at first go, which I did. And sadly, from the test, it just showed that she is heading towards the end of her life. This thought hurts, and as I'm typing this, my tears are rolling.

To happier things...

Just as I was feeling emotional, one of my patients made me smile.

He is an elderly chap with dementia, and he was behaving like a child yesterday. He came out of his room to ask for the time, and when he realised that it was almost 10pm, he went back onto his bed, and starting preparing to go to bed. I had to turn off the lights and TV for him. He tucked himself under his blanket like how a little child would, turned to look at me and said "Good Night" before closing his eyes.

Bored and frustrated - that's how I felt the whole of yesterday and the day before.

I was at my peak with the above.

Was complaining to her abt my frustrations, and how pissed off I am with the type of patients I'm getting at the moment. And she was laughing her lungs out that I'm more like a community doctor now rather than a proper doctor in training.

I guess I'm just a person who needs to get busy with productive things, and it's only then do I feel my energy coming back. I've been feeling so fatigued everyday now because I'm spending my time doing boring, meaningless things on the wards now, and sometimes I get so put off that I have drag myself to turn up for work. This shouldn't be the case. Like what Samya said, sometimes we wonder why the Trust needed to employ us for such jobs.

Having read a lot recently, I have this crave to see proper cases, whereby I can put what I've learnt into practice, to see if my management plans become successful, to prescribe medications which I have yet gotten to prescribe. I want to move forward, I want to become better, but I feel hindered drastically because of the rubbish I'm having.

Anyway, I was glad that she was there to console me last night. "When u go back home, I'm sure u will be slogging so much that u won't even have time to read. See this from another perspective. U can use this time now to catch up on your reading, and reinforce your knowledge." she said.

She's right. I should take a different approach. I should be thankful that at least I have time to read now, at least before I get thrown into another ocean back home. The chance for me to put what I've read and learnt into practice will come. The day whereby I'll be able to make more decisions will come.

Brain strike

My brain started to show signs of a strike today, which increased my frustration.

I haven't been sleeping much at all recently, on an average of 4-5 hrs max everyday. And because I'm so tired, I haven't even been eating either. A meal a day, with only instant noodles and an egg. It's no wonder why I'm feeling this way.

I couldn't take it when I got back after work, and slept for 3 hours, but I'm still really tired. Silly me should have just slept all the way through, but the thoughts of having not read anything for 2 days made me force myself to get up. However, I ended up watching drama instead since I know my brain's dead at the moment, and there's no way I'm going to absorb anything even if I were to force myself to read.

Have loads to do this weekend. Argh! And my next few weeks is going to hell with 4 days of long on calls, and more calls to follow in the following weeks.

Because of my brain strike, I haven't been able to think as quickly as I want to, and recalling information has been drastically slow too. I do get really frustrated when this happens, and being a person who can't hide how I feel, I was having a hard time keeping my cool when I went to speak a patient's relative today.

Thinking back, I would have changed my attitude. I could have showed more empathy. I didn't say anything which was offending or upsetting, but I'm sure my expression and body language could have been better in today's situation.

Honestly, I am starting to get slightly frustrated with my current post. I'm doing Medicine with Endocrinology being the subspecialty, but I have only ONE proper patient (related to Endocrinology) over the last 3-4 weeks! And most of the time during the last few weeks, my team has been thrown with patients either awaiting social, awaiting psychiatric review, whining, demented...in simple terms...patients who do NOT fit anywhere in the hospital and patients whom other medical teams can't wait to get rid of from their own medical take. It pisses me off just even when I'm looking at my list, seeing "AWAITING PLACEMENT" and "AWAIT SOCIAL WORKERS" all over. I don't even feel like a proper doctor unless I'm on call (and still, it frustrates me when I find out that the patient is admitted for crap reasons and being informed from the nurses that it's going to be another social case).

Sometimes it makes me wonder what the fark is wrong with this society. Hospitals are turning into hotels, and with the fucked up NHS system of their oh-so-wonderful free service, it's no wonder why some patients will refuse to go home. Trust me, if these people have to pay, they'll be dying to be discharged even if doctors insist that they have to stay.

Samya was complaining to me abt how she's pissed off with nurses ordering her to do things because they think the patient has this and that. This is really common, and one of the major frustrations when u're only a junior doctor, BECAUSE nurses will never dare do that to someone more senior in the medical hierachy. I have experienced such things too, and I would normally say what I think or do what I think is needed, and walk off after I'm done. I know I will lose my temper if I were to stay there longer to listen to ridiculous things. And I was telling Samya that there were times I was on the brim of telling some insane nurses off that I am the doctor, and I know what I'm doing, and I had enough of them commanding me to do things which I think makes completely no sense at all....and if they think they aren't happy with my medical opinions, DON'T BLEEP ME AND ASK FOR IT...I don't need to study my ass off in med sch for 5 bloody years to be commanded by junior nurses who tries to prove that they can diagnose and treat patients better than me.

With my type of temper, there is really a strong possibility of me being a bitch when I get more senior. Sigh...

Missing Dearie

Had a great chat on the phone with Dearie after I knocked off from work.

It felt so comfortable hiding under my warm duvet, closing my eyes and hearing his voice. Suddenly, it felt as if he was lying next to me, having our before-dozing-off chat, like how we used to do during our days together in the UK.

The chat got more and more exciting as I was telling him about me being able to see him in a month's time, and that it'll fly by really quickly before we'll see each other again. The entire hour's chat was filled with topics of our day's happenings, and what we plan to do and eat when I get to Beijing.

There's so many things I want to do with him, and even simple things like going to the supermarket and just rotting the whole day in his apartment got me extremely excited. I am missing the quiet moments I have with him now, and thinking abt it, I'm actually missing how I would sit outside each other's toilets to talk to each other while the other is doing some big/small business in there.

In fact, I'm missing him so much that today, I even had silly thoughts of getting a job in Beijing, even if it's totally not related to Medicine. Sigh..sometimes I think I really need to try and stay sane and rational.

Yikes...

Saw one of the admissions today, and after the post take ward round, my Consultant took the team to a corner, looked at me and said, "Your patient looks deceiving well. But he will be the one patient u will never forget in your life when he collapses on you suddenly and dies. I had a patient like that when I was a house officer, and the next minute he was in ICU before I knew it."

Now that did scare me. And true enough, this patient deteriorate in less than 2 hours...not critical yet..but definitely not looking that well as before.

Yikes...*worried*

My new handphone!!!!

OMG! This came as a really really huge surprise!

Rang Dearie this morning (my usual before bed routine..hehe), and he told me that he bought the Nokia 8800 Sirrocco for me as a present!!!!!!

This has been a phone I've been (in fact both of us) have been looking at since it was first produced. But because of its cost, we were only dreaming of owning it.

Apparently, Dearie went searching high and low for it (he said that many shops aren't carrying this model anymore), and he just thought that it's HIGH time I change my hp (my sg hp is in a really bad condition on the exterior).

Have been thinking of changing my hp actually, but I wasn't willing to part with my $$$. Besides, my hp is still working well (and the old 8210 is still working too!!!!!! Don't I take really gd care of my hps?!). And should I get one, I reckon I'll just settle for a reasonable looking one which is cheap...hahahaha..typical me. Basically, I didn't see much of the need for an expensive phone with numerous functions since all I really require is to call, sms and probably take photos when I am in the mood (Nokia 8800 Sirrocco is one with all the basics I need, but the cost is %^%$@).

Reasons why Dearie decided to surprise me with this (according to him):

1. Feeling guilty that I'm here alone and he's not coming to see me (sigh...)

2. Time to change hp because he thinks it's embarrassing to flash my hp in public with its condition

3. Different status now, so will need classier hps (honestly, I think this reason is crap since I never thought of myself as being of a higher level...and hps are still hps at the end of the day...)

It's definitely too expensive a present to accept, but Dearie is annoyed when I requested for him to get a refund, simply because he said a lot of time was spent searching for it.

Alright then.

Looks like this new baby will be with me till it ever goes bonkers. Can't bear to change hps in future because of the sentimental value.

I was feeling bogged down by numerous issues yesterday. There was this feeling of difficulty breathing despite me taking deep breaths.

I needed a listening ear, and someone I feel confident to confide in, but as usual, I never know who to find. Dearie would listen, but on occasions like this, I really needed someone who is in the same profession to be around.

I've a gd buddy here, and she comes to my room to chat almost every night to pour out all her problems. But I can't really talk to her abt my problems and insecurity, simply because whenever she is having problems (which is like everyday!), she goes on and on abt them, and cannot think of anything else. Like yesterday, despite being really troubled, I actually spent 5 hours listening to her go on abt the same thing again and again. I admit it can be a bit frustrating since she would be asking me the same question for like more than 100 times, and I'll have to give her the same reply for the same number of time. But being a friend and knowing that she needed to rant, I just let her be. I mean, think abt it, it's quite a honour to know that someone would choose u to rant and pour her problems to.

"U have to tell me what you're thinking about. We need to communicate" Dearie told me yesterday. Still, I refused to talk. It wasn't abt not wanting to share it, but I needed proper assurance from someone who knows what phase I'm going through in my career. I can share anything else with Dearie, but whenever it comes to something related to Medicine, I don't see a point in telling him since his mind would wander off. I don't blame him for that. And to be honest, I don't even know if this is healthy in a relationship, because for the moment, everything in my life is about the hospital and patients. Apart frm topics abt my job, I haven't got much to talk to him about. Will this lead to a communication breakdown one day?

Anyway, I turned up for work today feeling really tired (I guess I was drained frm all the above), and thank goodness, I bumped into bubbly Eleanor. This pharmacy assistant is the bubbliest person I've ever seen, apart from Huishan. She's bubbly even when she's very tired! Miss having her around ever since I've left Cardiology (we use to crap like mad every morning when she's supplying the drugs while I'm doing all my paperwork), and it was definitely a pleasure bumping into her again into the acute medical unit. As usual, she never fails to make me laugh with her crap.

E: It's really bright in this treatment room!
Me: Yup..
E: I should go turn off all the lights in here later, because I'm a very good electricity saver...hahaha
Me: Hahaha!!! Eleanor, u're always full of crap!
E: Hey, the leopard never ever changes its spots.
Me: Yes, I can tell..
E: Wouldn't it be nice if they do change from spots to stripes? Then people can't tell if it's a leopard or a tiger!
Me: Hhahahhaa!!!! It'll be nice if u have some that changes into flowery patterns or stars...
E: *excited* YEAH! That'll be really cool!!!!!

Then this patient made me laugh as well with his confusion...

He was trying to get up from his chair, and because he was pretty wobbly, I went to help him, and he got into this "ah pek" putting one foot on the chair type of position.

Me: Mr D, r u trying to go somewhere?
D: Yes
Me: Where r u going?
D: I'm going to another town, but I need to wait for the ambulance.

And he was actually looking out of the window with a serious "I'm waiting" look. Very funny indeed.

Sometimes, I really need jokers like these to make me laugh at work and keep me alive.

Pissed off

I'm boiling my top at the moment. Farking pissed off, and of all unappreciative individuals, it HAD to be my own bf! WHY?!

I don't think I've got a really nice voice to begin with, but at least I think I am not croaking when I'm singing. And because this song Dearie sent to me was really cute, I decided to record myself singing it, hoping that he'll like it.

I'm crap with sound recording, and unfortunately, the file I recorded was huge. I'm sorry that the transfer time would be pretty long, and I wouldn't grumble if it was a friend who gets kinda pissed with the long transfer time, but because he's my bf, it made me really upset when he started grumbling and get irritated over this. To make things easier for him, I even went to upload the song online, so that he'll be able to hear it sooner, and he still got irritated abt the fact that it's taking too long for the song to load for his listening on Imeem. And said it's going to take him the whole night just to listen to it, and he's sleepy, so he's going to zzz and listen to it tmr.

Bloody hell. I took pains to do this for him (I rarely sing for anyone), yet I had to tolerate all his shit. Plus I am not supposed to even get upset abt this?!!??!?!?! Instead of feeling guilty, he even had the nerves to tell me that I was wrong to get upset, and say he's gonna sleep.

To think he even calls himself my bf!

Conversation with Dearie :)

Dearie: I know what u were working as in your last life.
Me: Huh? How u know?
Dearie: I dreamt of it..
Me: Eeee..rubbish! If it's my last life, I should be the one dreaming of it, not you..
Dearie: Oh yah..that's true. I lied to u...haha
Me: Hahaha...ok..anyway, what did u think I was working as in my last life?
Dearie: A pharmacist
Me: PHARMACIST?! Wah liew...why?!
Dearie: I don't know. Sixth sense.
Me: Yeah right. I don't think I'm a pharmacist.
Dearie: Ok. So who do u think u were then?
Me: For all you know, I might be a princess!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!!!!!
Dearie: Hahahaha...stop dreaming! That's most unlikely!
Me: Who says?!
Dearie: Hahahha...maybe a princess from a terribly small and poor area...
Me: Wei! Maybe I was even Huan Zhe Ge Ge ok!
Dearie: Ok..stop stop..
Me: Ay, if I'm really a princess, I'm sure I'll be the first one to get sentenced to death by my father, the Emperor.
Dearie: Why?
Me: Because I'm so rebellious..
Dearie: I think so too.
Me: Last time my mum went to ask someone abt my past life, and she said I was a thief!
Dearie: I don't think that's true
Me: It's difficult to say. But I reckon I must be a really good thief.
Dearie: Why?
Me: Because I'm born in a family with good background..
Dearie: Maybe u were stealing from the rich and giving them to the poor..
Me: Yah! Like Robin Hood!!!!
Dearie: Hahahaha!


Dearie: I think u're a very lucky girl
Me: Me?
Dearie: Yes
Me: Why?
Dearie: Because u have such a good bf who loves u.
Me: Oh ya hor...I feel lucky too...
Dearie: U do?
Me: Of course! Don't u think I'm quite 'zhuai' abt it?
Dearie: I didn't notice
Me: I'm 'zhuai' abt it. Maybe it's just not obvious. But I really am.
Dearie: Why?
Me: Because my lao gong has lots of admirers, but he isn't attracted to any of them. He only likes me!!!!!
Dearie: Hahaha...ya..my lao po hen you mei li..
Me: Yah right...u never said so before!
Dearie: I mean it. Even others think so too.
Me: Like who?
Dearie: My friends..
Me: Huh?! Why do they think so?
Dearie: Because they think u must be attractive in some ways to get my attention and having me to love u
Me: Oh...ok...hehehhe :)

Random stuffs

I'm loving Medicine all over again. Ever so glad to be back, despite enjoying the company I have in Surgery. In fact, I'm missing my Registrars, fellow House Officers and seniors there. I'm based at the other end of the hospital now, and the only chances are bumping into them is if I have patients referred to them for surgical opinions or if I do bump into them along the common corridor. It's always a happy moment for me when my friends there and I go waving vigorously when we see each other along the long walkway towards the surgical side.

My team's brilliant. Consultant's like the calmest person ever, and he's extremely nice. My SHO (aka MO) and I are great partners. The medical side is definitely much more organised than Surgery, and Medicine makes one think more. On calls are the more interesting days of the week, and I'm enjoying racking my brains for a diagnosis, and analysing results. I'm still not that good in managing patients in terms of adding more potent medications and doing more than basic bits for them, but I'll give myself some time to learn.

I'm actually feeling quite stressed over the fact abt returning to Sg to work in another 6 mths' time. I reckon it'll be a different world in a Sg hospital compared to a UK one. Being a UK grad, I know I wouldn't be accepted immediately into the Sg team...as in your team members would be speculating abt how their new MO (yours sincerely) will be like, and if I am competent enough for the job. Knowing how Sgporeans are like, I wouldn't be surprised if there will a group who would despise me for having grad from a UK med school with a thought that I must be less knowledgeable and less competent, and another who would expect me to be quite good because I was trained in UK (some people think it's prestigious for strange reasons).

I remember when I was still a student and doing a placement in Sg once, one of my MOs I was with was commenting that his house officer takes rubbish histories because he's not from NUS. Honestly, I found that extremely unprofessional, and seriously, I think it is unfair to think every non-NUS grad is the same. It doesn't take a person to grad from Cambridge or Havard to take a brilliant history. Besides, I do not think every NUS med grad takes brilliant histories too. I definitely wasn't impressed seeing some MOs who grad from NUS copying the entire history from a GP's letter, and faking it off like as if he spent 30 mins obtaining those information.

Anyway, being a MO will mean having a HO as my junior for the very first time, and it does add a bit of pressure to me since I'll be expected to be able to give advice to my junior if he/she faces a problem in the ward. I reckon it'll be very embarrassing to say "I don't know" each time I'm being asked a question, looking really stupid and useless in front of my little HO.

Hence, I've been studying a lot recently, but damn it......my ability to retain info has plunged drastically after starting work!!!!! I'm concentrating more on the acute management, rather than the core knowledge since I roughly have a brief idea of the different illnesses now. It's really interesting reading this book I've borrowed from the library and I've been referring to it so much that this new book is actually falling apart now (ooopppsss!). Prefer it so much than the Oxford Handbooks which I've got (hate how squashed up the info is in the Oxford Handbook Series).

One major obstacle now is the sleeping bug. I'm not sure why I've been feeling very tired these days. I'm not someone who sleeps early, but on certain days, I'm actually in bed by 7.30pm. Owain was still teasing me that day, going "Is it past your bedtime now Michelle?" when I was sitting comfortably on his sofa, keeping quiet while looking at him cooking dinner and chopping olives.

Shall try to load myself with Caffeine to keep awake. I have been so sleepy for the last few days that I hardly did any proper studying.

Time to get organised and get my butt down to doing something productive! :)

Oh..and it's Laksa night tmr!!!! Cross fingers that I won't let my friends down tmr! Dearie's feeling kinda jealous that he's not around to taste it....he loves the Laksa I make...lol..

My Sunday

My Sunday didn't go very well because of an argument with Dearie. But thanks to Owain's dinner and the lovely snow, I cheered up :)

I got up this morning, and decided to look out of my window (which is really rare). It was a surprise to see the cars covered with snow. Apparently, it snowed last night! And just when I was admiring it, and cursing that it's such a waste that I didn't get to watch it last night, it started snowing!!!!

It got heavier with time, and I was getting more and more excited. I love snow! I wanted to share my joy with someone, so I rang Dearie. He wasn't feeling very excited hearing my voice today, but I didn't think much of it.

But talking to him this afternoon wasn't pleasant. It was a blow to my confidence in this relationship, and made me question if it was worth it all along. I feel useless as a girlfriend, and I'm deeply sorry and guilty for causing his loneliness and making his life really miserable. I have failed badly in being someone he can share his problems with, when he told me before that I'm his only mental support. Part of me wants to give it all up, yet at the same time, I love him too much to let it go. 2.5 years hasn't been easy for us, and it is already quite an achievement to even have me be in a relationship with anyone this long. I have grown so used to having him being part of me despite the countless rows we had over the years.

I was still in tears when my hp bleeped...

"Come over at about 7 or 7.30ish..dinner will be ready.."

I was actually feeling really down, and I did put in lots of effort to maintain my smile when I turned up. It was my first time having dinner at his place, and honestly, this dinner was something I really needed today - something to warm my heart.

The main course was oven-baked seabass, with mashed potatoes mixed with olives. Dessert had this fanciful name which I can't pronounce, but it was this whipped cream with ice cream with hazelnut mixed with caramel beneath. It wasn't an elaborate dinner, but I was extremely appreciative and touched that he spent hours making them even though he thought I wasn't being very nice by trying to take away the olives in the mashed potatoes, which he spent quite a lot of time cutting up.

I did feel a lot better, especially after the dessert. Ate so much of that yummy dessert that I feel so bloated now and have been wrenching a lot on my way home.

It was freezing when I was on my way back to my accomodation. I was wishing it would snow, and immediately, it started snowing! And as usual, I would be jumping and running about in the snow. It was such a comfortable feeling closing my eyes with my arms open and letting the soft snow fall onto my face and hands.

So exciting!!!!

Next week, in fact, starting tomorrow, it's gonna be mega exciting. I know it sounds pathetic because the activities aren't the most extraordinary, but still, in boring UK, these are considered exciting. Having the weather warming up now with flowers definitely has made its impact on the "social organisers" in my clan here.

Here's the exciting list:

1. Sat: Cardiff trip for me to buy oriental ingredients (this excites me allllll the time, but a bit sian to go alone)

2. Sun: Dinner @ Owain's (wonder what's got into him..can't believe he's cooking)
Pharmacy night out (chances are I'm not going despite the invitation cos I can't drink)
3. Mon: Beach (hope it's not gonna b tooooooo sunny..dread the sun) + BBQ/Fish & Chips (yum!)
4. Tues: Can't rem what it is now..but definitely something going on
5. Wed: Dinner by Yours Sincerely
6. Thur: Road trip with my fellow clan member Dr Cluett as the lead...hahahhaha

Upcoming activities
1. Soup night - my buddy Samya's gonna make soup!
2. Summer Ball
3. Cottage weekend - exclusively only for our clan!


Grrrr...if only Dearie's here to enjoy all these with me...

The communication gap

There's been quite a lot of silent moments when talking to Dearie recently. Reason being I've been holding back things I want to say.

I spend most of my time in the hospital, and basically, that's the only place I'm in apart from my room. Everything that revolves me is the hospital, my patients, medications, etc. Hence, my topics when I'm talking to Dearie will always be about things involving Medicine.

It bores him actually, and I don't blame him. He gets nauseous when I tell him about gross things I did for the day as well. And several times, he apologised for not being able to appreciate and share my excitement, and frustrations at work. Despite feeling disappointed that I'm not able to share my thoughts and feelings with him, I know that it isn't his fault.

Seems like the only people I can talk to about these things are my colleagues and parents (even though they're not docs..they do get very interested and excited with anything medical).

Likewise, when Dearie goes on about all the softwares and IT-related stuff, I have no clue about what he's talking about. I have been trying hard to listen, but several times, my mind just strayed away. I don't have much comments either, which is kinda unlike me. I've nv been an IT person anyway, and anything to do with it puts me to sleep.

Things have still been really sweet between us, and he's still sheltering me with lots of care and concern, but sometimes, I feel that this gap is becoming more and more obvious. It worries me that the gap might widen with time. Well, not that it's going to have any really major effect on the relationship, but sometimes, I do wish we were on the same track, be able to communicate abt our day, and be able to give each other appropriate support and advice.