Focus focus..

I must see no evil, speak no evil, read no evil, and hear no evil...argh!

I am soooooooooo screwed! I'm supposed to treasure my entire weekend by revising, but I ended up not studying on Friday and distracted for my entire Saturday and Sunday with rubbish thoughts.

I have been constantly smiling at myself for the entire 2 days, and I actually don't realise it until I start swirling the chair to look at myself in the mirror (I do that very often..habit..haha). I look like an idiot manz! Smile simi smile...pui..

And I think I should learn to shuddup. Trying hard to keep my image (like as if I ever had one..but still kidding myself I got one), but I screw up big time everytime I talk to him. I just talk and revealing things or blurting things out which should not be said. Yes, I talk a lot to ppl I know fairly well, but I don't specially tell anyone what I'm up to, where I'm going, what I'm gonna be busy with over the next few days blah blah blah. No one is interested to know about me and my wateva commitments I have, so why did I say those out?

And I even went on to tell him that I am sure he's not such a polite and decent person. It's not possible. I just got a gut feeling he's darn mischievous if he wants to be, and I do feel uncomfy if he's polite because I feel like a 38 then. But the thing is..does it matter?! Whether he's polite or not is his biz wat...wats it gotta do with me?

And why did I go tell him I can be an irritating noisy housefly? I'm like stabbing myself with a knife. Where is my image manz? And when he said he knows and enjoying watching me being one..I actually said I wanna go dig a hole and bury my head in it! Argh...really diu lian diu dao jia...grrrr!!!!!!!!

Each time I say something, I regret. And I start cursing myself silently for saying it.

When I first know him, he said he wanna move out of the accomodation after 3 mths because his room isn't big. It's not my biz also no? Why did I go and ask him now if he still wants to move out? Apparently, he said he likes staying here more and more, and that actually made me happy? Simi sai?!

Then whether he intends to stay on in Cardiff to do PhD after his Masters also not my biz...why am I giving him the reasons to why he should stay on here? He go elsewhere in UK is his choice mahz..no? And stupid me even went "If you stay here, then I got one more friend to go out with." Piangz. In the first place, am I so desperate that I have to find ppl to go out with me all the time? What's worse is I actually feel slightly relieved when he said he's lazy to move out of Cardiff to do his PhD and he agrees with my reason.

And I actually got quite worked up when he said he'll cancel our movie date on Friday if my exam don't go well. I'm so looking forward to it, and I'll be darn pissed off if he goes and cancel it. I'm even thinking of telling Sophie that I don't wanna go clubbing with her on Friday just because of this date. But wah liew..I mean...he wanna cancel then cancel lah! Why did I go grumble to him about he not supposing to treat me this way, and I've been nice enough to help carry supermarket bags when he's supposed to carry all because he's a guy? I wanted so much to tell him he's very qian bian..in fact...ever since I know him, there are many times I already think he's very qian bian, but whenever I really wanna tell him that, he'll say something very innocent like "Ni shi bu shi jue de wo hen qian da?". Manz, what should I say? Say yes?!

But when I decided to heck care for once and virtually wack him with one of the MSN winks, and I was shocked when he sent one back immediately to wack me as well. See!!! I knew he wasn't that nice. HA!

I don't know why I'm like that. Why do I see him like some little kitten left on the street when he's not even one? Hello..I'm a girl manz. And I'm super attitude, but why am I giving shit about this person? Argh! Why do I always reply when he msges me?

You like him Michelle?! Do I?!?!?!? What a joke! If I ever like someone, I expect him to be a husband candidate manz. Does he fit the bill? No lor. Out of my must haves, he kinda failed so many already. Besides, if I like him, it's as good as sentencing myself to death cos he'll go home sooner or later..plus....he must be super niao that's why he never got attached before. If his standard is so high until pretty china babes also don't attract him, take a look at me....do u think I can make it? Of course not right?! Even a blind bat can tell. That's why I'm not highly sought after.

Michelle doesn't go liking guys before they tell her they like her too. Girls should be wooed, not them wooing guys. So when this fellow doesn't even like me, you expect me to like him first? I still want my face manz.

So here I am finding all the reasons I can to tell myself I'm crazy for smiling, for giving him my attention and all for my unexplained crazy reactions to anything involving him. I need to focus and take my mind off this.

I can control my feelings. I did it so many times, I'm sure I can do it once again. I still don't know why I'm behaving so weirdly, but if what others say is true..that I'm falling for him soon..and I'm at the beginning stage of it, I think it shouldn't be too late to pull out yet right? I don't want to end up liking someone when the other person doesn't like me at all. I don't want to get hurt.