The voice from a crushed soul

Woke up suddenly, and all the bad memories starting flooding in. I'm sleeping a lot more compared to before, definitely well-rested, but quality sleep is still a problem.

A few days ago, I went back to a place which has brought me a lot of pain. It wasn't a good feeling being there, and I was dying to get out after signing some documents. Many years ago, I was looking forward to returning home to start my career path in this place. I worked hard. I had a dream, I had my ambition, I clearly knew how I was going to achieve it.

But a sudden change in government policies changed and destroyed it all for me...almost overnight. I fought hard, and with every failed attempt, I seeked hard to find the reason for my failure/rejection. Yet, each time, no one could give me an answer. Because of this, I questioned myself and my competency. Was it because I haven't passed my exams as quickly as my country's culture will allow it? Was it because I was deemed "unsafe" compared to my peers? Was it..was it..was it...? The questions I had for myself was uncountable.

My morale starting plunging at a rapid rate, so quickly that it became a struggle for me to stop it. At the same time, it was difficult to talk to anyone, even to my Professor whom I trusted. Sometimes when one feels rock bottom, you just need someone who is in the same field, someone of a high status whom you trust to tell you the truth (even if it's the worst).

Then came along one day when I felt incapable of carrying on anymore, a Prof whom I hardly know decided to have a word with me. I could still remember how he looked when I broke down in his office as I was telling him how I felt. I pleaded with him to tell me the reason behind my countless rejections. The answer? "There is nothing wrong with your competency. You were just one of the unfortunate few who got affected by the change.."

I would have appreciated it a lot more if I was told this a few years ago. It would have saved me from the struggle I have continuously put up, and definitely saved me from a lot of mental torture. Thank you for destroying my dreams. Not as if it would have mattered to anyone in this country since I'm not blue-blooded.

I wouldnt say that I have "recovered". The fact that I still feel like crap being back at that place a few days ago proved that I have yet to fully let it go. The fact that I dare not reply my trusted Prof's sms was a sign of my fear to see or talk to her again. The reason is simple. I don't know what to tell her if she asked me if I am ok.

I have now left the system, and have entered into another medical field. And this convinced me further that my country is a condemned land. Dad had provided me the pathway to leave this place, but I chose to return, which I must say is my BIGGEST regret to date. I shall not let history repeat itself when I have my kid.

It isn't my nature to be unscrupulous, selfish and pretentious. I wasn't taught to be greedy either. But having now entered this money-making field of medicine, I feel no different from being one. Anyone would be proud telling their friends/family about the field I have entered, but I don't. If I can avoid being questioned, I would choose to avoid it completely. It isn't me, and my nature doesnt make me one of them. I don't enjoy "socialite-like" parties, drowning in top grade French wine, partying on yachts, and spending unnecessarily on a luxurious lifestyle which doesn't make me a better person. The amount spent on these could have been a year's livelihood expenses for the poorest in my country. However, I realise that there is nobody who will be willing/bothered about me and my thoughts, and I will just have to again, find a way out for myself.

I don't know what my future is going to be like anymore, and I'm just living by the day. I have somewhat given up on what I would like to achieve for myself. I guess it's gonna be more worthwhile working hard to build the platform for my next generation. Hopefully this new field will allow me to get this done.

In the meantime, I shall try to find my direction back into Medicine. I went in for a pure reason, and I hope to find it back.

Hopefully it wouldn't take too long.