First step towards Motherhood
Ok, this is probably one of the biggest decisions I have made to date. And the one BIG fear I shall overcome - To be a Mum.
I don't hate children. In fact, I love children. But the lifelong responsibility and huge financial commitments that comes along with it has put me off big time. I fear for being unable to have time to give my child all the love and time he/she deserves. I fear for being unable to provide him/her with the best environment and needs for a good headstart in life. I fear being unable to bring up a child well enough to be deemed one with good values.
Yes, I fear about anything possible, simply because of my own expectations of being a parent. I don't wish to live the rest of my life in regret and remorse, if I do ever fail to bring up my child properly because I wasn't able to provide the right things in life for him/her to maximise his/her potential.
Hence, I've been popping pills daily to prevent pregnancy even though Jason doesn't like it.
Marriage has been sweet so far, despite the ups and downs. I'm still enjoying being the centre of his attention, and being the "princess". But just as I'm enjoying all that, I need to realise that life doesn't revolve around myself anymore. Taking the vow on our wedding day is the start of our lives together. I'm no longer responsible and accountable to only myself.
Jason wants a child, and his enthusiasm and excitement towards embracing fatherhood made me undergo a mental struggle. He has been very patient and sweet, allowing me to take as long as I need to prepare myself mentally. I tried. I took the courage to walk into baby shops, fiddling with toys, looking at baby cots, looking at maternity clothes etc.
And I guess I've decided that it is time I take my first step out. I have stopped my pills.
All the time, I've been telling myself and everyone that I'm not ready to be a mum. But perhaps like what many of my patients have told me, one will never ever be ready to be a mum. I will just need to relax, let nature takes its course, and embrace it when it comes.
Seriously, I am worried. It's like entering a tunnel and you have no idea what's ahead. I hate this feeling of uncertainty, and I can foresee myself going blank if my pregnancy test ever comes back positive. Hopefully, during this period of trying, my fears will slowly ease off, and I'll learn to accept and love my upcoming phase in life.
Wish me luck! :)
I don't hate children. In fact, I love children. But the lifelong responsibility and huge financial commitments that comes along with it has put me off big time. I fear for being unable to have time to give my child all the love and time he/she deserves. I fear for being unable to provide him/her with the best environment and needs for a good headstart in life. I fear being unable to bring up a child well enough to be deemed one with good values.
Yes, I fear about anything possible, simply because of my own expectations of being a parent. I don't wish to live the rest of my life in regret and remorse, if I do ever fail to bring up my child properly because I wasn't able to provide the right things in life for him/her to maximise his/her potential.
Hence, I've been popping pills daily to prevent pregnancy even though Jason doesn't like it.
Marriage has been sweet so far, despite the ups and downs. I'm still enjoying being the centre of his attention, and being the "princess". But just as I'm enjoying all that, I need to realise that life doesn't revolve around myself anymore. Taking the vow on our wedding day is the start of our lives together. I'm no longer responsible and accountable to only myself.
Jason wants a child, and his enthusiasm and excitement towards embracing fatherhood made me undergo a mental struggle. He has been very patient and sweet, allowing me to take as long as I need to prepare myself mentally. I tried. I took the courage to walk into baby shops, fiddling with toys, looking at baby cots, looking at maternity clothes etc.
And I guess I've decided that it is time I take my first step out. I have stopped my pills.
All the time, I've been telling myself and everyone that I'm not ready to be a mum. But perhaps like what many of my patients have told me, one will never ever be ready to be a mum. I will just need to relax, let nature takes its course, and embrace it when it comes.
Seriously, I am worried. It's like entering a tunnel and you have no idea what's ahead. I hate this feeling of uncertainty, and I can foresee myself going blank if my pregnancy test ever comes back positive. Hopefully, during this period of trying, my fears will slowly ease off, and I'll learn to accept and love my upcoming phase in life.
Wish me luck! :)
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