Am I in denial?

I got up today, and deliberately kept my MSN to Busy mode so that I will not know who is online and who has messaged me. I wanted to concentrate fully on my studies and leave all other thoughts aside.

I managed to do it, and even resisted not replying when he messaged me. But despite so, I ended up replying hrs later and even lied that I didn't see the msg...tt's why my reply was late.

Am I in denial? Is it really "that"?

I am confused. Trying to tell myself it can't be. It's too fast for me to feel something for someone. And why of all people, it has to be him? Someone who does not meet so many of my criteria, and worse...a non-Singaporean. And I can't help thinking if this is retribution since I am always insisting on only Singaporeans and one who speaks English normally.

I find myself running out of topics to talk to him about, partly because of a language barrier. No doubt he can speak English, I'm sure he won't understand my jokes much. The sense of humour will be different. I also constantly wonder if he can understand my messages, and sometimes I really want to type my msges in chinese, but have no idea how despite trying. Then again, I'll be doing him a favour if I use English so that he'll be fluent with it in no time.

Despite running out of topics, I am trying to keep the chat going for as long as I can. I like talking to him even though he pisses me with his "toot-ness". And because of this, I begin to like him more and more. He's just too unbelievably simple and innocent, that I find it very difficult to believe. It does get on my nerves at times but I just like the way he is. Not fake, and definitely not trying to create a good impression to others for himself. I find it so hard to tell him that's he very qian bian at times.

Darren said I should tell him that I might be falling for him soon. But isn't this crazy? I don't want to run the risk of losing this friend. I enjoy having his company and I was even more touched when he told me just now that he don't mind going to watch arts performances with me so that I won't be alone. And even say we'll go to the supermarket every fortnight tgt, and watch movies together.

I was almost moved to tears. I know this sound mad, but I really felt grateful. He made me feel as if I won't have to go through the year alone..something which I have grown very used to and kinda sick of it, but still do it again and again because it has already became a habit. I really want to stop being this way, but psychologically, it's holding me back. However, I am always wondering if he genuinely wants to accompany me, or just to kill his own boredom. I want to believe fully in the former, but I can't. I really don't think anyone will do such a thing for me.

There are times when he says things which touches me very much, or sound very innocent, I want so much to tell him I feel very grateful and pleased that I have met him and he has brought some sunshine into my life in Cardiff. He doesn't sweet talk because his english isn't that good to do so. You can feel the truth in things he types.

When he said he can't concentrate studying this evening, I wanted to bring my tub of ice cream down to his room and make a colourful sundae for him, but I don't have anything to make the sundae and I didn't want to look like I'm trying to xian yin qing either. I can sense that he's bored and probably not very happy because he's wasted the entire night. I wanted to cheer him up, but I didn't know how.

If this is a crush, how long will it last? I know this is a bit far away...but what if I still continue feeling this way until he gets his Masters? He might leave Cardiff (I think he will), and I don't want to be in a position whereby I feel sad and yet not be able to say out how I feel...just because I'm scared.

I keep thinking he looks for me everyday because I'm one of his very few friends here, and probably because it's easier to talk to me since I'm chinese...and of course..he's bored. I admit I did have a little wish that he likes me so that I can be at ease to say how I feel without being scared, but I can't help thinking chances are close to nil. He's not finding a gf..but a wife. I'm not from China, my mandarin isn't good, and I really have nothing tt will get his attention. Besides, his Masters should be his only priority now. I can't help telling myself it's impossible...and this just accentuates my fear, my insecurity, and me feeling restricted.

I am worried all these will start suffocating me if this goes on for a few more months.