Thanks Kor..u're wonderful..

Yup, this entry is specially for my Kor. He's my 2nd kor..the first was called Gerald from TJC..but I don't even know what he's doing now since he's been darn quiet after leaving for australia with his whole family.

But nevertheless, I'm blessed with these 2 wonderful brothers. Gerald's been nice to me when I first started schooling in TJC. Won't forget those days he will give me a call to see how I'm doing and tell me about his 'adventures'.

Then came this wonderful guy called Alex, who is happily married with his lovely wife. Very caring towards me and dotes me like how an elder brother would, even though he's got a younger sister in reality. I remember him calling me when I was in UK, and mailed me very lovely cards all the way from Sg!!!

Ok, so why is this entry specially for him?

Cos for the past 2 days, he's been there for me. Haven't been in my best form and he was aware of it, so he spent hours talking to me online and calling me from sg..how sweeeeet. Thanks kor! I had a good time talking to him online last night too. Told me many things, gave me advice on rships, etc. And nothing's sweeter than a morning sms to check how I am coping. Awwww....heez...

I'm also thankful to Leona. She's a girl I know online, very cute and active. We're quite alike in a few ways and I like talking to her. She's got this good habit of waking up early in the morning, and turning in early too. Hence, she's always online early in the morning, and I'll chat with her if I happen to be awake. I'm gonna meet her when I'm back in Sg. She's dying to eat in Sheraton, where she works. I asked her if there's any job available there, and she is more than willing to help..but definitely it'll be those housekeeping, dining, banquet sort. Not sure if I should try. Never done it before. She's been talking to me for hours online too, and we've been chatting about our problems and giving each other advice. She's feeling a bit under the weather recently, and I hope she'll solve her problem soon.

I'm all done packing. My room's still quite messy, but I dun give shit. Didn't like packing my luggage just now. Was so tempted to just crash and turn up at the airport with nothing but my wallet and passport. I always seem to have loads to carry..why huh? sigh..

Half of my big luggage were filled with gifts! How amazing. I feel like Santa each time I return, but I love giving presents anyway cos I love receiving them myself! Isn't it fun to just enjoy that few seconds of happiness when u see someone smile at the surprises u give them? Jason and my parents have got surprises for me too. I'll be waiting to see them..heez..

Gosh, I haven't slept the whole night and I'm freaking hungry. Don't feel like finding food either..so late already..almost 6am. Am thinking of not slping and then crash in the coach later..as well as on the plane. Should I? Hmm...

My tummy's feeling uncomfy manz..hope it doesn't give me problems later. Of all time, it had to happen now..wtf.

But maybe it's good too, will make me feel tired and perhaps, I can sleep better on the plane?

Damn sianz now..online doing nothing, and MSN is down, so no more chats with Leona. What should I do manz...maybe I'll just take a short nap and charge up my hps as well.

Weird dream

Last night I had a funny...weird too.

I dreamt of blogging. WTF! Like as if I haven't been blogging a lot. Maybe too much that I even dreamt of it. I dreamt of Blogspot having a new feature. One can add colourful square boxes...dunno for wat lame reason. But like I said it was a weird dream.

So in my dream, I had this great idea..and that is to use the boxes to make a new template for my blog site or even for my entries..just to make patterns. I actually did them and it looked great when I was previewing it.

Back to reality...haha. I was awoken by a call from someone I have been missing. Felt very comfortable chatting a short while with him while I was tucking myself until my soft blanket. I felt very loved and cared for. I wish it would stay there and never ever end.. (",)

In a while, I'll be off to do my stuffs for the day. Guess Winterburn's office will be the first place to go to. Then off to the hospital to hand in my project.

The pimples on my face is disappearing. Now it's scabs...still ugly though. Plus the black marks. So I still look quite shit. But good thing it isn't as red as yesterday. Will put concealer later to hide them. I feel very ugly going out like that.

Tummy's been feeling uncomfy this morning. I should know the reason. Thank goodness it isn't gastric...lol...I have starved myself for a day! And I might even do it again today..which I hope not, but people who know me a little better than the rest will know I'm capable of doing it. :X

I'm feeling hungry. Gonna have a hot cup of milo before heading off. Hmm..wonder how he's doing..wondering if his ice-skating session's going well..or boring him..shouldn't be boring lah hor? Ice skating wor.... *gian* :S

My evening was productive..weeeee~

I did a lot within the few hours.

I finalised my project, did the presentation slides, burnt them all into a CD, and printed the document out. Final task of the year cleared.

I also booked my coach ticket to Heathrow, typed and printed out my letter indicating the start of my official absent leave.

Of course, not forgetting a nice reward for myself..BIRD'S NEST! And watched a VCD as well. Will watch another episode now and I'll call it a day.

It'll be handing in project and letter, packing and clearing up the whole room in the day. Will be mega busy I think. But I really hope to spend some time with someone tomorrow..he knows who he is.. :)

My first try at WAX!!!!

Today's mad manz.

I experimented with wax on MYSELF! No SMs ok. I'm decent *grinz*

I couldn't stand my face more and more. Big eyebags, pimples and busy eyebrows! What a great combination.

Decided to try out the eyebrow trimming service at Desire. So I gave them a ring and went down. In order to rid the baby hair around my brows, they used hot wax. It wasn't painful at all...now I'm wondering why guys give the "WTF?!" look when we mention hair removal with wax to them. Pain meh? The wax wasn't too hot. The girl then trimmed my brows a little. It's much neater now, not say DAMN nice lah..but better than before. I'm really wondering where I can get someone who can do my brows real nicely. The first time I did it was at David Gan's salon. He had this lady who did brows for TCS celebs. He was the one who asked her to do it for me cos he couldn't stand my brows personally when he was cutting my hair. So he was dying to have mine trimmed. :X But that lady did an excellent job, even though I first thought it was ugly as I wasn't used to the new look. Mum think she's the best so far among alllllll the others (from different places) which I've tried.

Used Clearasil facial pads and oh manz, the blackheads are lessening!!!! I'm amazed. Now my nose looks shinier..haha..sounds like a polished nose. It's making the pimples smaller too. These pimples are pissing me off because they are RED. And they leave ugly black marks which take time to go away. Looks like Mum's gonna make noise when I return. I'll never be able to rid them by then. I think I'll just try to hide it with extremely mild foundation and of course, that concealer which I love.

I went to the city again because I realised that I forgot to buy a presentation folder for my project. How stupid can I be. And I forgot to buy a present for Kor and my cousin..ok lah..not that I really forgot, just couldn't find the day before.

So it was shopping spree again. Bought 2 story books for Nigel, and a nice wedding photoframe for Kor. It's got two 'holes', so it'll be great to put his and his wife's in there.

Went to Boots to buy a face mosturiser to bring back to Sg. Then saw these wax strips. Being the forever curious me, I decided to try it since I've got time now to do so. I've always been excited abt these beauty stuffs and buying an epilator's too ex. Since it was a good bargain of Buy 1 get 1 free, I bought a box. It was exactly like the way you watch girls wax their legs in movies. Stick it there and pull the strip off as fast as possible. But it wasn't painful at all. I got rid of some hair on my legs, but the thing is, I'm crap, so I didn't make it super clean. Still ok lah I think, but after trying it, I got a new plan. I'm going to buy an epilator. Lemon said it's abt 70 odd, so I might get it..then can rid my hand hair too. Mum's definitely gonna kill me, cos she loves my hand hair for weird reasons, claiming that it's nice..like Northern Indians...kaoz. Maybe I'll leave them for her sake (till I get itchy fingers again and start ridding them which will break her heart...hahah...yah right). But the legs, I will rid them since I've already done so!

Noticed that there's quite a lot of clogged pores on my legs. Sigh..I thought having them at the back of my arms' bad enough cos it's ugly, and now even my legs' got them! Don't ask me how they ended up on me..it's in my genes cos my whole family and relatives got it. How sad is that?!

Looked at myself longer in the mirror than usual today. Checking my hair colour and of course my horrid looking face. I noticed that I lost weight again. Damn obvious to me, so it must be to everyone else. I look so haggard with the eye bags etc. I hate the look manz. Must go back to sg and put on weight.

Now, I have another thing added to my plan for my long holiday. I'm going to be girly. Girly as in start dolling up like other girls. This includes taking care of my skin, and leaving nails! Jason doesn't like them long, so I'll just keep it till an appropriate length. I've always got exam jitters, and being the nervous me, during exam period, I can never ever stop biting my nails. So it's looking ugly again.

Was so tempted to buy this bottle of polish which is used to stop people from biting nails. But it wasn't cheap, so forget it. So shy of seeing my fingers now...so ugly.. :(

It'll be finalising my project tonight and getting them printed! Then I can start doing household chores and pack my luggage.

Wondering if he's excited to seeing me..he's been so busy recently..and because of the recent happenings, everything seem to extremely sensitive over my side. Not sure abt his side though. I wonder if he's feeling sensitive as well. Hopefully my return to sg will help things. Was having a chat with my landlady and she was confident that it will. I hope so too...I really wish to make this relationship an everlasting one....I do love him a lot..

 

Back from the city centre

For the first time in dunno how many donkey weeks, I went out..and to the city!

In the morning was meeting with Winterburn. Had a chat with him. He was very friendly and nice to me as usual, and I wish I had been more casual in my chats with him. Knowing the fact that he's my subdean, I treated him with more of respect than anything else, hence, I didn't talk much. Got to write a letter to state that I'm going to be on leave of absence frm sch. Will do that tonight.

Then it was off to the city. I look like shit today no matter how I tried to hide it. So many red pimples on my face and I look like a goldfish too! So I was trying to keep my head as low as possible throughout the whole day. Didn't dare to look at me people much. Thank goodness I didn't bump into anyone I know on the streets. It would be so pai seh wouldnt it?

Bought a lot of things, but they r not for me *sigh*. That's the problem with me, I can never get anything for myself whenever I go shopping. I thought of buying something for myself so that I can feel slightly cheered up, but couldn't find any. Ok, actually I saw something. The colour's so sweet. It's a halter knitted top. I love it and it's not VERY expensive..affordable. But I think Jason won't like it if I wore that, so forget it.

So what did I buy? Here's the fun bit...not very fun lah actually..quite tiring..

Bought a nice beige handbag for Jason's mum..cheap sale at Dorothy Perkins :) Then bought this pimple cream which Mum said was good. I happen to see it, so I bought one for Jason. Bought this Clearasil pad for cleaning the face and lip gloss for myself ("ok, can I treat that as my present?" "of course u can, michelle" *grinz*). Recently too many pimples, I must try to rid them. I dont want to be disfigured..I'm ugly enuff. I also bought a photo clip for Lemon. Next, I went to ALL the shops in the city to hunt for shirts..except to TopMan cos their clothes look gay. Practically all those 'fashionable' shops here in UK sells GAY clothes, which I absolutely dread. Not the look I want from Jason manz...so ugly. Wanting people to think he's gay should NEVER happen. Finally, I settled for a long sleeve white tee from Timberland for him and a FCUK tee for my bro. Both were on sale, even though still counted expensive. But it's from my months of savings, so it's ok lah..dun so ji jiao can le..

And for my parents, I got them a pill box each from the Welsh gift shop. Unique I would say. Hope it will help them remember to take their pills, especially Dad. He's fond of forgetting them and the medicine he's taking can't be taken lightly. Warned him so many times, but he always forgets them. Oh yes, and lastly was Jason's bro. I had so much trouble hunting for a present for him. So I ended up buying a keychain. Very ordinary hor? I feel so guilty manz.

Rewarding myself for finishing my abstract of my project, I decided to watch a movie. I went alone of course. Watched a movie which will never be shown in sg, not because it's RA, but because sgporeans will sleep in it. But I enjoyed it from the start to the end. It was in a language which I couldn't understand. I was relying on the subtitles.

The title's "The Story of the Weeping Camel". It's a film..more like a documentary actually...which is showing this white colt who is being taken care of by the Mongolian nomads in the Gobi Desert. The nomads led a very simple life, but very happy. They meet everyday, help each other, have meals together, basically do everything together. I was envious of them. How could these people, who are so deprived, actually lead such a carefree and happy life? It made me feel that wealth isn't that important to everyone, and how materialistic the people in the modern cities are. I feel ashamed of being included in this category after watching the film. I was thinking about how I would feel if I were born in such a family. Would I be a happier girl? I probably wouldn't have so much worries. They are isolated from so many, yet you could see from their faces that what they had were things they felt were sufficient for them. Take a look at their clothes, their blankets, their bowls, everything! If we had those things in such a condition, we would have thrown them out of our house, but no, these people possessed them and treated them like how we treat our priced possessions. Their clothes reminded me of those Mum used as rags. But these kids didn't mind one bit at all. Their meals consisted of porridge only. There must be a serious problem with nutrition in such areas. But the Mongolians were all rosy and chubby. How are they able to do that?

There was this little boy in the show. He's so intelligent and cute. Very vocal as well. Because the whole film is about the real life of these people and the white colt, I believe that there were no scripts at all for this film. It didn't seem like acting anyway. Talking abt this little boy, he was so excited about TV and computer games. When he went to the "city centre" of the desert with his elder brother, they made short stops at various villages for a drink and just to send regards to them from his family. There was this family which owned a TV. It was funny. There was a gigantic satellite outside the house and they had to adjust it just to gain a clear vision on the black box. The little Mongolian kids were enjoying themselves so much even when the colour on the screen was terrible. It felt like as if the TVs were older than me...it's that bad. And these kids had games too. They played with little "rocks", and even play "mama store" together. One kid will ask another "Is your shop open yet?" and if it is, he will look at the stuffs displayed and ask for the things he want. The stuffs were cute to them, but for us, we will think it's worth to go into the rubbish bin. They were playing with empty cans, empty bottles, old soft toys, old clocks, and any old stuff which definitely belonged to someone else and donated them away. In modern cities, kids had "fake cash" to play trading, but for them, it was torn pieces of paper..just like the pieces when we tear up some paper. There was no standard shape or size, yet those brought them joy. And the amazing thing is, these kids can ride camels! The little boy I mentioned look like he's just 7 or 8, but he was able to convince his family that he's old enough to ride a camel and go to the city with his elder brother. I was shocked when he really sat on the camel and rode off into the stormy desert. The way the brothers talked were cute too. One can sense the kind of brotherhood they shared. The elder one was taking great care of him, pouring him water and giving him food when they were resting. The younger one, being the inquisitive little boy, asked his elder a question...

Younger: "I want to buy a TV. Let's get it ok?"
Elder: "It's going to cost the family 20-30 sheeps"
Younger: "I'm sure we have more than that.."
Elder: "But we will need electrical supply for the TV to work. That might just cost us the whole flock!"

The younger didn't mind at all. He just happily rode off to the city with his brother. Imagine what would have happened if this occurred to some city kid? You probably start hearing wails and screams, with the little ones insisting on their ways and embarrassing their parents in public on the spot. That's how "disciplined" we are.

Anyway, I think I digressed too much. It was suppose to be the camel I'm gonna talk abt..sheesh. Ok, what happened was, this brown camel had labour difficulty, and after 2 days of labour, finally, the nomads had to interfere and help with her delivery. The young was a white colt, instead of being brown (Hmm..what did the camel do...hahahhaa *evil tots*). The mother refused to acknowlege the young, and hence, refused to feed him or to coax him when he was born. She just left him alone, but maybe it's a natural instinct that the young knows who their mother is. This white colt, although weak, kept trying to go near to the mother, but the mother just kept moving away. This happened for a long time, and the poor colt was slowly getting weaker as it's been going hungry. The nomads then decided to help by milking the camel and feed the colt with it, or tie the mother's leg up and force the colt to go suck her milk. However, this can't be a long term practice, and the colt actually cried when the mother left him. The director actually did a close up on the eyes, and you could see the tears rolling. Animals do have feelings too. They know what is love.

The nomads felt very sad for the young colt, and decided to hold a Hoos ritual, which is said to help bond the mother and child together I think. So they got a violinist to perform the ritual and oh my was I amazed. It worked. The mother camel was crying when the nomad sang to her with the violinist playing in the background. I couldn't understand a word, but the fact that the mother camel cried..does it mean she actually can understand the language the nomads were speaking?

The ending was sweet, with the mother loving and feeding the colt. I gave a smile at the end of the show.

Geez, this entry is long. Feeling a bit sleepy at the moment. Eyes very dry. Maybe I'll go close my eyes a little.

Hope Jason goes back to hostel soon. Pageant preview at Zouk..gosh. Zouk wor..sigh. Shall wait for him...wanna show him his tee...hope he will feel happy n excited to see me later..*prays hard*

 

A feeling I can't describe

It's amazing how early I'm up today.

I must have dozed off due to fatigue. I was waiting for a call, which eventually came.

Last night was hell for me. I wish my life ended on the spot. And this morning, the sky's gloomy again, so it didn't help to add some sunshine into my day.

Unfortunately, there are some things which can't be said here. A lot of thoughts are flooding my mind. I feel something I can't describe. It makes me at a loss and worried. Yet, somehow I know what that feeling is. It's not a good one. But I can't talk about it. I think my current situation is bad enough, and I have no wish to worsen it, and definitely don't want anyone to get the wrong idea that I'm using my blog to gain pity from others.

This blog contains my true feelings..my happiness..my sadness...my anger. I'm not minding that my comment section is staying at nil for every entry.  I'm just blogging to get things off my chest, things which I can or cannot talk about to others.

I don't have much friends here in UK. I don't have anyone whom I can have a heart to heart talk with. I don't have people supporting me at all. 3 years ago, I should have foreseen all these and perhaps, my mind would have changed? It's too late to turn back now anyway. Throughout these 3 years, numerous things have happened, leaving both very happy and sad memories for me. I have been struggling and struggling to keep myself on my feet, trying my best to stand firm and strong, refusing to admit I'm a girl, and hence, I must appear weaker than anyone else. I recall the days I walk down the roads to school alone, watching people in groups around me. I felt like a wandering soul whom no one noticed. Just a chinese girl, who is foreign to this land, and ignored.

My room in Talybont (my hostel in yr 1) and my present room in Miskin Street which I have lived in for 2 years are the best memories for me here. This room is my shelter. I never fail to use it to hide away from everyone else. It shared all my joy, my tears, my anger, my fears, and everything I experienced over the years. It is the only place I feel belonged to, because no where else makes me feel the same way.

Looking back to how I was 3 years ago, I felt that I have changed, especially comparing myself with mths ago and now. The present me has lost all confidence. I don't even know what I am looking like now. It must pain my parents a lot if they were to know what state I am in. Call me silly, but I really have no wish to live at the moment. Just over a week, I lost everything. My dream to become a doctor...I dont even know if I will get to see the day. I just want to get a degree home, and be a graduate like everyone else, but nothing is going right. I'm so tired of studying and pushing on. Does anyone understand how I actually got myself into this state?

I need to talk to someone very badly. But home isn't a place I can call now. I have my reasons. I can't let Dr. Winterburn know my problems because I don't want to lose my chance of being able to be brought back again on track. I can't talk to many ppl because I don't feel comfortable. I'm not close to anyone.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would make a difference to this world if I were to bid an enternal goodbye. I'm sure my parents will not forgive me. Mum told that to me before. I feel that I'm moving that direction, and I wish I will not ever have the courage to do it.

I am tired of living. I told someone before that love isn't everything. There are many things in this world that we have not seen...and we will never finish seeing them, but they are of no meaning to me anymore. I am not hoping to see everything in this world. I just want my own goals and priorities to be met and achieved, but what goals and priorities do I have now? I've lost them...hence, what others things should I look forward to?

I hope I will get out of this soon before I do anything which is too late..

Single but NOT available

Shocking huh?

The fairytale didn't end up with a 'they lived happily ever after'.

One phone call ended the relationship. It's amazing how I reacted. Just last night I was looking at my ring and thinking about us, trying to hold myself at making a rash decision. I didn't want to make a decision which will make me regret. I know things were very tough, but I was asking myself if ending the relationship is worth it. I took out my ring and looked at the inscribed words under the moonlight that shone in through my curtain. Lovely 3 words.. "Jason Loves Michelle". It isn't worth it, and hence, I put it back onto my finger and hugged it tightly to bed.

Although the relationship ended, I'm not willing to take it out. I'm going to wear it. This ring holds a lot of meaning, holds a lot of fond memories which hurt whenever I think about them. How excited we were when we finally found a place which had sizes which fit us, how excited we were when we were writing the words we want to inscribe, how excited we were about collecting them and how happy we were when we put it on. I won't ever forget how he wore it for me, and giving me that smile of his. It was just a simple accessory, but it made me feel as if 'This is the one you are meant to be with, Michelle'

Everything seem to just happen yesterday. And I am indeed shocked that things ended so quickly. I still find myself in a state of denial. Part of me know that it's real, yet part of me refuses to accept it and think it was just a decision made in the fit of anger. I can see myself going through the 5 phases of psychology upon breaking of bad news.

I went through sadness, anger, and now it's the denial stage. The next is bargaining. I know I'm somehow stuck between this 2 stages now. I still hold a hope that what he asked for is all a lie..a nightmare.

My eyes got tired, and I wanted to sleep through this painful episode. I wish I could have taken loads of sleeping pills and don't ever wake up. I have failed in my studies and my relationship, leaving me with almost nothing.

I placed my hps next to my bed like I will everytime I sleep. I was hoping to be able to pick up the phone if any phone calls come in and reply any sms immediately as long I hear the beeps. A sms came in and I thought it was from him. But it wasn't. 

When I got up, I checked my email, my hps, his blog. Nothing at all.

I am at a loss now. I find it very hard to keep my life going, and how am I going to return to my normal life? I have put in so much for this rship despite the short period, I can't just forget about it and start living my life all over again without him.

"Jason, if u r reading this, I hope you will reconsider your decision. I am still waiting for u and even though we have ended, you still hold a big place in my heart. It will stay there till one day you tell me that you don't love me anymore. I really love you a lot and I hope you will accept me again, and let me stay by your side, making all the plans we have always been talking about come true. You said I can go back to my glamorous days with lots of guys going after me. It hurt me a lot, but the point I still insist on making is that it doesn't matter to me. I am not intere sted and neither are my options open. I have always regarded you as the last guy in my life. Please tell me that my dream isn't shattered. And I never ever mind that you are a soldier. Don't you know? Don't say these things to push me away because I can never take that as a reason. I'm not at fault for who I am presently. I won't be pestering you since you felt a break was essential. But I will be waiting silently here...I love you.."

I woke up late

I think I'm falling ill. Been coughing my lungs out for the past few days. I hate coughs manz..they never ever seem to go away. I've got such weak lungs. Seems as if I'm darn prone to getting upper respiratory tract infections all the time. When was the last time I coughed? Not too long ago I reckon. Accounts for why I took Bird's nest last night..said to be good for lungs. *shrugs*

I got up so late today. Couldn't get to sleep last night. Was reading through a letter of sentimental value to me, then I took out my pen and paper, ready to write my thoughts down, and I don't wish to blog the details here. It's very private :) But halfway through, I just crushed the paper, threw it into the bin and went to sleep. I lost the mood to write and I didn't want to write anymore.

Managed to doze off after a while and was awoken by a phone call. Chatted a while and then went back to sleep. The next moment I opened my eyes, it was 10-ish. Gosh, I was still hoping to get up early enough to spend a good morning in the city settling my stuffs. I didn't rush out of bed even though I could. Sianz liao. So continued sleeping and was woken up by a call again. 12+pm. Didn't want to end up slping my day away, so I forced myself up.

Went to take a look in the mirror. Look terrible. Got new members to my pimple population. When will they ever ever EVER get lost?! Will continue zapping them with the Neutrogena cream tonight. It's quite good at ridding that blasted pimple on my left cheek. At least it's smaller now, though obvious. Better be gone before the weekend manz, or else it'll be misery for me when Mum starts commenting on my 'lovely' facial accessories.

Feeling damn hungry and I'm thinking of xiao long baos...yum yum. I'm missing lots of stuffs at the moment..hehehe. Must make sure I eat them when I return.

Shall make bread dipped in milo now..my lunch..

Another evening passed..

Ordinary day.

No motivation to really do much till evening came. I was chatting with ppl on my msn list, and playing games.

Then started getting bored, and worried abt the project. Made some changes to the discussion section. I was finding all ways to increase the word count and the number of references. No't too bad cos I've got about 21 references now. It's within the recommended number of 15-25. Yay!

Typed out the conclusion. Had some difficulties in doing that because I HAD to made it as long as I can just to add to the number of words. Have not done the abstract yet. Might do it tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow's gonna be a productive day I hope. Wrote out my plans. Will definitely have to make a trip down to the city to get them settled. I better stop delaying settling them or else it'll be troublesome.

And on Wednesday, it'll be a meet up with Dr Winterburn to finalise the plan. I've made up my mind about the gap year.

And on Thursday and Friday, it shall be presentation (hopefully my project supervisors won't ask me to do it..praying hard that they dont have time, so I can escape from it..lol), clearing my room and packing!

Oh ya, just remembered that it's little Serene's bday today. Geez, she must be excited. Hope she'll have a nice bday party in school or something. I love those parties when I was young. Always get parents distributing small bags of goodies. They're always so nicely wrapped. I remember doing those for Frederick when he was in kindergarten...so cute.

Shall play some games then go to bed. Not feeling very good at the moment, even though I'm quite alright lah..sigh. Maybe things will turn out better in the day.

Sorry..I've been too possessive

From the look of the title, it's kinda obvious what this blog entry will be about.

I have been guilty since last night about my behaviour last week. I didn't think it was THAT bad, and didn't realise more things, things which I should have thought about even before I lost my cool.

For the first time in my life, I have been over possessive. I guess this is the first time a guy tells me this. I felt like I was a pest, but I didn't know that I went overboard with what I did.

During the past week, he was at orientation camp and I was the one who asked him to go for it. Just for the sake of obliging my request, he forced himself to go for it. However, activities at the camp ended so late every night and as a result, we didnt get to chat much over the phone or MSN like how we did before. He was extremely exhausted everyday, but still made the effort to give me a ring every night. Yet, I wasn't pleased. I started becoming unreasonable and got angry over the matter. I felt insecured throughout the whole week, and kept calling him. His hp wasnt with him all the time because some games played were too dirty and messy. And I got quite worried and angry whenever he doesn't pick up my call. Ok lah, anyway, I've been a nightmare gf to cut things short.

So last night, things were discussed. Some things which he told me honestly hit me real hard. I think I haven't been a good gf. I'm wondering if he is really happy with the way I am, or is he just accomodating with me because he loves me. I'm worried of becoming like his ex. I see myself turning into her slowly and the moment I think about it, the fear in me builds up.

I can't explain why I got so possessive recently. I know I need him very badly, especially when many things happened here in UK over this short period. I didnt want to turn to anyone, hence, the blogging. And the fact that he just started school, the environment around him is a big change to the days of army. More contact with people, more contact with girls, etc. I'm not against him mixing around, but contradicting my words, I am worried about losing him. It doesn't have to be to girls, but even friends.

I guess all these things happen because we just started not long ago and things are not extremely stabilised to an extent allowing elimination of all these fears and insecurity. But one thing I'm sure about is that we both love each other very much. If not, I guess we wouldn't bother to actually discuss these issues and try to make things up with each other.

What he told me last night is still embedded deeply in my head. It got me dumbfounded. Actually, there are so many things which he had or will be willing to do for me which I am not able to. And to think I still dare to tell him I love him everyday. Now I'm wondering if I'm fit to say this even though I do mean it.

Will spend some time to think about these and see where else I can make changes to myself. Looks like love is really difficult to understand. Sweet on the outside, but to bring out this sweetness, there is so much to learn, to give, to sacrifice, to accomodate.

I'm into a DJing mood

I am in the mood to talk. To anyone, even if no one is replying.

Had this sudden idea of wanting to DJ, and then...I realise I got no software, and no songs loaded into my new laptop. They're all in the iomega hardisk, and I can't be bothered to load them here, or even to plug up the hard disk! To emphasise my laziness, the hardisk is just in the drawer next to me, which is like about 50cm away, but I'm too lazy to reach for it :X

So there I was playing my Bond album..haha. And talking to myself at the same time, taking the album's music as my background music. Actually it's not the first time I do this to myself. Sometimes, I got this weird habit of talking to myself when I'm busy with other stuffs.

I wonder if there are some other insane people who do things like that apart from me. But I find it fun.

I was in the singing mood too even though I am still croaking. I was playing music and singing a lot while doing my project. You name it, I sing it, as long as I have the song. From languages that I can speak to those which I can't even understand, I sing them all.

Was spending some time thinking about what I should during my long vacation. Dad wants me to brush up my terrible driving skills. I think I should do drivers a favour by lowering accident risks for them. I'll never ever forget how I actually parked the car in the middle of the road, and happily went to buy my apple strudel, thinking that my car was so nicely parked at the side.

I thought of going back to ballet. During my rotting time, I have still been posing in front of my mirror, doing the hand movements and training the poise. I think the hand movements and poise are still good, but the legs might need some intensive training.

The community centre near my house in sg might have some courses for adults. Shall check them out when I return. It'll be great to be able to put on my ballet shoes again.

Been thinking of finding a job as well, maybe in a hospital. But might be difficult as it seems that there isn't any vacancy. I definitely don't want to end up doing something useless there for a pay.

Languages also did cut across my mind. Thought of doing a language course, maybe even in NTU, for the few mths. But I don't think there is such a thing there. Was hoping to do it there, so that it will be easier for me to meet Jason. Hopefully, he won't find my presence a pain. I reckon I'll keep being a fly buzzing around him.

As mentioned in one of earlier blog entry, Dad's going to China. Since I've got such a long holiday, maybe I might go along for some fresh air...and to see the 3 big cities. Wonder how long the trip will be.

What a wonderful day it will be later. 2 mths! :)

Hmm..I'm still thinking about the programme for the next 26th. Gosh, not sure of what to do. How am I gonna plan something good for the whole day? Thank goodness it's gonna fall on a Thursday, so things can go on till quite late, then at most get him to stay overnight at my place, or else can't imagine him rushing back to hostel. I better start planning it once I get home...the presents, surprises and all.

And I just remembered...I'LL BE ABLE TO WATCH MAMA MIA! Geez..must drag Jason to go with me. It's such a famous hit, and it'll be great to be able to watch it in Singapore.

OK, time to start forcing myself to do my project again. JIA YOU JIA YOU!

White lies pisses my ass off

So I haven't been good, because I intend to tell white lies. They're harmless, but they are still lies isn't it?

I guess I've weeped enough about my fucking clinicals. Can't go on brooding forever..even if I brood, I'm not gonna show it. I'll just do it when no one's around.

Forced myself to face reality by talking to people again. People I love. Like mum, like Jason. Peaceful talking that is.

Dad must have told Mum what happened, and she was concerned, so gave me a ring yesterday to check out how I'm coping with it. Things were going fine, with me sounding alright, till a sensitive issue was brought up again. It was about how to explain to those 'people' about my LONG vacation. Again, gotta cook up with silly story in order to save my face, and save myself from a whole lifetime of criticism.

Nothing I do ever seems right to them. If I'm bad, I'm crap. If I'm good, others are better. Sp what's the point? I realise that so many times, I've been doing things to just satisfy others, rather than sparing some thought for my own feeling, my own capability and giving myself the opportunity to slowly unveil any hidden ability I've got (like as if I have one). Of course, I won't force myself into doing things that I hate to the core just to satisfy others. I'll just have to find the solution to suit all.

When the topic of finding a white lie was brought up in the conversation, I lost my cool. I wasn't mad at my parents because I know they wanted the best for me, and did not want me to face any insults when I return, but the reason why I still lost it in the end was due to years of accumulation.

I told Mum I'm sick of lying. Why does everyone have to poke into my business and not leave me alone? Why is it I have to report any misfortune to them? Why is it I have to lie all the time if something bad happens just to save myself from trouble? I find living under such a family tree a torture, and even told Mum that if I had a chance to pull away permanently from all these, I wouldn't hesitate to do it straight away.

That's not a family. I feel like as if I'm some celebrity, with paparazzis and irritating reporters around. I don't even have my own privacy to keep mum about things. I know this white lie is gonna be essential for me, but if I had more understanding relatives who are SINCERELY concerned about me, then I wouldn't want to go to the extent of lying. Failure to me wouldn't seem like some an end-of-the-world issue. I wish so much to have the freedom of being able to tell others the truth, be it whether I get any consolation or not. But just stop the criticisms is all I ask for from them. Yet, this small little wish which I've been wanting since I was a little girl seems like something that will never come true.

I made known to Mum about my thoughts, my sorrows about the whole issue and told her that whatever that happened in May wasn't an overnight event. It has been accumulating for more than a decade and it wasn't purely self-inflicted. I gladly admit I wasn't been as strong as I should be emotionally, but I'm human like others, and I don't see a need to why I should be deprived to even have my own thinking, my own feelings. I do get hurt too. I do cry too. What's wrong with all that? I've been robbed of my own freedom to a certain extent, does it mean even who I truly am inside should be robbed away as well?

Mum said I'm being overly sensitive. Maybe I am, then why again do I have to accomodate to others? Why can't they just see it and stop doing those things to please me FOR ONCE?

Better not type more about it. Worried I might start getting worked up again..sigh..this is my life..what a shame..

Anyway, Jason and I are back to normal again, although there was some 'not very nice' things going on yesterday. But am glad that after a sleep, we're both alright again. I was back at suanning him. His voice sound so 'sexy' at the moment..hahaha..cos he's losing it. I hope he gets back his nice voice soon. Find it so difficult listening to his broken-up words and hoarse voice. He sounded like he drank a whole barrel of chilli sauce last night or been a nightingale for the past week. Geez..poor fellow. He's still my darling all the same though. I would probably make him loads and loads of chrysanthemum tea or force chin chow drinks down his throat. Too heaty I suppose.

My left eye lid has been twitching for DAYS. Kinda pissing to feel it so many times a day. Wonder what that means. Jason said it's wealth. Geez..since when? How come I don't seem to suddenly be rich? He said it could mean that someone is missing or scolding me..haha. Yah yah, the latter is more like it. Wonder who that asshole is. Will he/she please stop? Don't let me catch ya or else I'll definitely flush you down the toilet bowl after I've shit in it.

Will be continuing doing my project later in the day. Wanna rot first. Maybe vcd shall be the next thing to do...

A brand new day? Literally yes, emotionally no

It's a brand new day..Saturday. The sad Friday's gone, and since it's the weekend, there is no reason to not smile.

I want to welcome this cloudy day with a nice smile on my face too, but I know the real me isn't able to. I am still struggling to get over the whole matter..school and the quarrel.

I sort of calmed down a little before I decided to pick up his call again. He wanted to explain, and he did. His explanations were valid I suppose, but I couldn't just turn chirpy again instantly.

Like he said, many things has been going wrong for me recently. Certainly it has. Trust me, I appreciated his effort of ringing me, but at the same time, I find it too tough to hold back my true feelings about certain things.

Final day of his orientation and he claims that this issue will not happen again. I felt a tinge of guilt and regret. Guilt cos I initiated his participation. Regret cos I shouldn't have done so if things would have turned out this way. It's really not worth it marring our treasured relationship cos of such a reason, yet there is a tolerance threshold in every one of us I suppose. Maybe mine's way below average level.

I guess he was worried about losing me, and continuously asking me if I still love him. I do, of course. There wasn't any reason to change my mind about it. But as for the issue of trust, I do admit it went down a little. Something worth being disappointed about, but it's not the end of things. Trust can be regained again isn't it? I still trust him to some extent.  Just that I don't want promises anymore.

I think his trust in me must have diminished too. All due to my nonsense and unreasonable ways. I wonder what he really thinks at the moment. Then again, am I able to take in anymore which will bring me down further? Probably not. I have enough problems being thrown on me for now. I just need some time...to go ahead and feel sad all I want, BUT making sure I'll turn chirpy again soon...lead a brand new life..be a brand new me.

Disappointment

Short but major quarrel, bringing 2 people great disappointment.

I couldn't hold onto the phone much longer, had to hang it up. It was torturing controlling myself from crying out loud and hearing hurting things over the phone. I realised I've lost my freedom  to speak and my privilege of having the shoulder I needed.

At this point of time, who should I rely on apart from myself?  Family's still the one ultimately isn't it? But I am really not ready for round 2 with Mum, knowing that she's never good with words and has the tendency to add salt to wounds without any intention to do so. That's just the Mum I've loved so dearly for the past 22 years.

Dad? He knows about it already. Told him about what happened this afternoon. I could hear his disappointed tone, which made me feel bad. I know he had done his best to try see me through this ordeal. I guess I should refrain from showing him how I feel deep down. I don't want him to worry.

Him? Appreciated his effort of calling me everyday despite the great lack of sleep and tiring orientation for the week. But I guess his fatigue and my emotional build-up due to what has happened today got the better of us. A supposedly daily happy morning call turned into a great disappointment for both parties, each giving a piece of our mind to the other. I knew the words made sense, but it didn't make me feel better. Then came the not-so-nice ones, which was indeed hurting.

No one likes to be a source of stress to the one he/she loves and no one loves crying. But sometimes things are not within control. How long do I have to hold back my tears? I held it back the whole day...and it feels terrible. Being sad and not able to cry feels worse than being able to. Maybe it takes one who experienced it to understand. 

Finally, I broke down in the comfort of my own room, wishing I had a listening ear. I knew who I needed, only to hear something darn hurting from. Through his words, it made me realise what I was capable of. It made me realise how 'independent' I was. I'm being over-reliant on someone, so much to the extent I was turning selfish, isnt it?

I'm dead disappointed and I reckon he must be too. I told him I'll not confide in him anymore. It's going to be tough for me since I'm so used to it, and since dunno when, I started to have no wish to talk to anyone except him and my family.

I feel like as if I've gone back to my starting point, where I have to learn to do things myself all over again, to coax myself, to rely on only myself...

I suppose the best start would be through distraction. Maybe putting my heart and soul solely on my project would be the best thing to do. But first, I'll need a good sleep.

Gap year

As promised, I'll update my blog with the results.

I passed all my theory papers, but I flunk my practical by 3 marks. I tried to negotiate with my medical school, but unfortunately, they were not able to help me with it.

I guess Dr Winterburn was being kind enough by giving 2 options. Either I have a resit in end August or do it in May. He was more for the latter option as he felt that August would be too rush  period for me.

He advised me that May is better because from the start of my summer vacation onwards, I'll be able to fully keep my mind away from school for a while, giving me sufficient time to fully recuperate and be all recharged again. He said a period back home would do me good. I didn't want to be home for too long a period and be deprived of carrying on to the 4th year, so I tried negotiating, but there are just certain criteria that had to be met.

He mentioned that the medical school was impressed with my results, for I was able to cope with my condition, passing all my papers, do the project and cope with clinicals. Did he mean it? I don't know. I wasn't impressed with myself. I knew I underperformed. I definitely don't deserve to flunk my clinicals.

Had a discussion with dad about it. He too felt the 2nd option was better. So most likely I'll go for the 2nd one. Looks like a gap year is inevitable now and I'll just go back to UK to take the clinical exam in May. I won't have to worry about completing theory papers and assignments.

I am sad, but I feel horrible because I couldn't cry. My tears just can't roll out. Although I know what the next few mths will be like for me, I still am unable to see what the future lies for me beyond that period.

Till now, I'm wondering if this decision to be made is a good one. It's great that I can be in SG for many many many mths, but it comes with a price. This is indeed a major setback in my life. I reckon I'll never ever forget it...no way.

I do feel like a failure at the moment. I think I will require some time to get over it. It's not just about flunking an exam. I have no idea how to face my relatives when I return. What will they say? I know I shouldn't even care, but is it that easy for me?

I'm in School..wat the fuck

After chatting with dad for a while over MSN, there was this sudden force which made me decide to get changed and rush to see Dr Winterburn, my college's subdean.

I don't understand why I bother to, just felt a need to have a word with him.

I went to BIOSI to look for him, only to find his office empty, so I halt a taxi and came to the hospital. He was having a meeting with the other med schs big shots in the meeting room, and said he'll speak to me after 5pm, which is like now? Blog finish then I'll go look for him.

Wonder what he'll say about my grades. All of a sudden, I can't describe how I feel. Nervous, worried, or not bothered? A little of each I guess. But amazingly, my hands are not the least cold. Bumped into a classmate just now in the cafeteria and he said I look confident! What a joke! More like heck care. What's confidence to me now manz? I've lost it..don't even know where to start searching for it now.

Wish me luck. Hopefully I get to bring back some good news later. Will update my blog with it. Oh boy..don't I just hate such surprises..the only kind of surprises that I dread...no kidding..

I don't feel anything..

Isn't it amazing that I'm still happily stuck at home at this hour when I should be going to school to 'see my results' or to go and C O N G R A T U L A T E others when I don't even know what's gonna happen to me? It's not that I'm jealous. I just dont want attention or see any crowd.

I wasn't the least bothered. Kept sleeping, with no feeling of fright or nervousness. I managed to sleep and woke up at a late hr of 2pm.

I was feeling a bit better..less angry..when Jason called and knock some sense into me. I was rantling a little about my Mum. But forget it. Just refrain from calling home for some time then. I don't wish to speak to her for a while.

I am not smiling today. Neither am I sad. I am in a daze. 2 years ago, I felt the same too, with an additional fear. Fear that I will fail. But this time, I wont even be surprised if I failed..but if it really happens (touch wood), I will be sad I reckon.

Am supposed to go shopping today, but I guess I've changed my mind. My mood's ruined. Like now, I don't even feel like doing my project.

I wish I had a car. I would probably take a drive around, going to the place Alex brought me before to see the 'special' island. With the sun out today, I reckon it will be a beautiful sight. This island's special because it has a path to the mainland when the tide is low, but when the tide is high, the path is under the sea, and you won't be able to go over to the mainland. The island's just a round piece of land with very green pastures. Perfect place for a picnic. I remember he brought me there to chill when I was facing some problems a year ago. But the thing is, I can't remember how to get there. It isn't very near.

I guess what I want most now is to just to talk to Jason..talk abt anything...I don't wish to talk to anyone else..

Regret calling home...

I'm back, in less than an hour after my earlier blog.

So what the hell is going on with me? I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF! What a drastic change Michelle. Just an hour ago, you were beaming and now u're saying u're fucking pissed off?!

I reckon this blog entry will be full of vulgarities, but I'll try to control myself.

For the bloody fact that I have no idea who to call to fucking complain to, and for the fact that ALL the bloody clubs and pubs have all closed for business at this hour and the blasted mama shops are all closed now, I have to resort coming here to vent my anger. Thank goodness there isn't any alcohol around, or I might just end up buying cans and cans of beer to drown myself with in my room and hopefully concuss till I never ever wake up.

I called Mum, like what I said I will do just a while ago. And she fucking ruined my mood COMPLETELY. I was still going "Call you to talk cork" and the next second she was "Why u not slping? Your dad's gonna be angry if he knows about this. Go and sleep." Fine, usual nag. It was hurting, but heck care. Then it continued with "Today, the results out. Go to the hospital later to find out." For fuck's sake, do I look like I give a damn? NO! I DON'T! Besides, it doesn't concern me. The results that will be out later in the afternoon has got NOTHING to do with me. It concerns my other classmates, but not me. My name isn't gonna appear there because I have not even completed my project. How the hell are they gonna tell me I passed or failed Yr 3 then? The year coordinator told me my name won't be found on the list and things will only be finalised in mid august. But Mum kept arguing.

The thing is even if my results are gonna be out later, I don't give shit. I haven't finished my project and so what if I know if I passed or failed my papers..will it make a difference to my project? Does it mean that if I failed my papers..meaning I'm gonna repeat Yr 3 means I can might as well don't finish the project and just pack up and go back to Sg? No right?! I still have to finish it, so what's the problem?! Why get so panicky over it then? I might as well wait till the day I hand in my project then I'll go see my results (if it appears like what she bloody claims!)

Go on and say I've lost my self confidence. I'm not gonna argue, I'm not even bothered. Mum went rantling on about this, and I was turning a deaf ear. My self esteem's got nothing to do with anyone else. I don't need any help and I don't want anyone else to care for me...what's the use anyway? I've been leading my life this way ever since dunno when!

Don't ask me why the sudden change. I am just pissed off with my life and everything around me, especially school. I wish they can just leave me alone for a while. Why do I always have to force myself to push on when I want a break? Is it gonna help? NO! It's just gonna backfire and make me hate things around me more!

I used to love studying, but I hate it now. I really do. I hate people talking about my exams to me. I hate people bringing up anything to do with my third yr in med school. If anyone's dying to help me, then for goodness sake, stop talking about it or try to understand me!

Mum claims she understands. What rubbish! What does SHE understand? NOTHING! She knows nuts about what I went through..school...life...peers. What she knows are just things I tell her. That's her claim of understanding me? BULLSHIT!

She doesn't understand my fear. She doesn't understand why I changed so much. She doesn't understand why I get so worked up and extremely sensitive about anything related to med school.

Who really understands anyway?

I am losing my goal..my confidence..everything. In fact, life doesn't have much of a meaning to me now...

What a productive day!

Today's been productive for me.

I stayed indoors as usual. The weather wasn't good today anyway. Was raining in the afternoon and there wasn't much sunshine. More of dark clouds. I didn't want to get caught in the rain, and besides, I was thinking a lot about my project, so decided to postpone my shopping trip.

I managed to force myself to get down to starting my project type-out. Did some research on the internet, which was indeed interesting and enriching. I was so amazed to realise that hospital acquired infections actually cost the NHS £1 billion per annum for the need of additional hospital stay, antibiotics supply, additional labour costs, litigation etc. It's a big sum of money!!!! Gosh, if only medical professionals were more careful and paid more attention to maintaining hygiene in the hospital, then maybe this amount would be reduced drastically. What an unnecessary financial drain it is for the NHS.

Was analysing my data collection too. And the surprising result was that only 9 out of 21 students who replied to my questionnaire practise the venepuncture and cannulation technique correctly!!!! That's like only 43%! To think our uni still emphasise so so SO many times, and gave us clinical skills lab sessions to learn it properly. I was wondering if we were not able to even correct ourselves now while we're in medical school, how are we gonna do so when we start working and everything becomes a habit? It's no wonder why approximately 100,000 cases of hospital acquired infections occur every year.

Enough said about my project.

Let's talk about the MOST interesting thing that happened to me today!

Hahaha...it's FOOD!!!! I had a really really fantastic dinner tonight, so much so that I must call home and tell mum all about it after I finish blogging this entry. I went to Bistro116, a restaurant which is about 5 mins' walk away from my house. I love the surroundings. It's very homely and the red colour coated bulbs were the most attractive part of the restaurant. The decor was modern, but everything blended in so well. A mixture of red, yellow, brown, beige and orange.

I ordered the Soup of the Day for starters. I had no idea what it was until the waiter told me it's Carrot and Orange soup. Yup, ORANGE. Soon came this bowl of 'orange' soup (duh..). I was thinking that this soup's gonna taste weird, but I wanted to try it because I've never heard of such an odd combi before. How can you make soup out of orange..ok..orange juice? Took my first slurp and MY OH MY...it was DELICIOUS!!!!!! YUMMY!!!!! The carrots were boiled till they turned so soft and become 'powdery'. The orange gave a slight sourish taste, but the combination was just fantastic. Thick enough too!

My main course was Ravioli with Salmon and Prawns. I have been craving for pasta since I came back to UK till now and despite talking about it for the past dunno how many weeks, I have not yet made the effort to walk to Ask to have it. Naturally, I got excited when I saw any main course to do with pasta. I love raviolis because they seem like a pasta surprise to me..haha. They usually contain either vege or meat in them. In case you don't know what ravioli is, it's a squarish pasta with edges like a stamp..ok..it looks like a stamp. Then in the middle, there is a pouch. In this pouch contains the meat or vege. However, Bistro116's ravioli was great! It was extremely special. I've got a feeling they did it themselves. It wasn't the usual ravioli containing the usual ingredients. Theirs contained mashed salmon!!!! How good is that?! Then it was served with prawns and creamy sauce. I enjoyed it so so much!

Now comes the best part..hahah...DESSERT! I ordered their dessert of the day. Hazelnut and Chocolate Roulette (dunno if this is the right spelling..but it was pronounced 'Rulard' or something..). It's the best dessert I have eaten in my life so far. It was this big dunno wat made of hazelnut and chocolate. It contained praline fillings, moose and some cream. It was then served with melted whipped cream (yeah..MELTED...meant to be this way), with chocolate and icy sugar sprinkles. I reckon no one..yes..NO ONE will disagree with me that it taste really good. Not too sweet, yet not bland. Just right.

Oh..it's 9+ am in sg now..hehe..shall ring mum to tell her about it now. I'm getting excited. Shall heck it even if she scolds me for not slping at this hour. I'm just too eager..hehe..

Chirpy again!

Had a hard time trying to doze off last night, but somehow I did.

Was awoken by calls from him. I was really happy to hear from him. We had a great chat despite his sore throat. He told me things that was going on around him for the past few days and reassured me that he hasn't changed at all.

I apologised for being unreasonable and demanding and we explained to each other why we got worked up and what was actually going through our minds. I guess we all felt the same, but other factors just got in the way, resulting in an unhappy and heated conversation the night before.

All's well now. I'm chirpy once again! Heez...

He's having some senior-junior dinner date today. Wonder how is it going for him. Will be waiting patiently for his return. Miss him a lot.

Hope he gets well soon and start being active again. *smilez*

Can't get to sleep..

Ok, exams are over and any soul in the bloody right mind would have an early night on the last day of exams isn't it? Conclusion..my mind's not right..geez..

Watched so many vcds today. Killed time by rewatching "Go on the Stage". I loved that show when I was watching it for the 1st time because it was about ballet! Then I kinda got sianz...I'm rewatching it mahz. Then suddenly remembered I've got this Korean drama series which I have not finished watching, titled "Since I met you". So just took it out to watch.

However, all's not about just rotting with my vcds. I did some work as well. Yup, work again. This time, a project. My final final FINAL 'masterpiece' to the end of Yr 3 (if I pass lah..).

I printed out all my completed survey forms, took a glance through some of it, planned how my journal article will look and bingo, I'm all ready to start typing and researching once I get up in the morning (er...more like noonz knowing what a pig I am).

Received a call. Had a not so pleasant conversation and I thought just let the night end this way, and perhaps, things will be better for me when the sun's up. So went to tuck myself to sleep, but couldn't. Mind felt heavy. I know I'm not alright. But I couldn't think, which was probably a good thing. Took a look at the photo in the photoframe on my bedside table, tossed n turned ard a bit, and I just got up. Decided to read a book. I never like reading books, but I'm not sure why I wanted to grab one of the books on my shelf to read.

Read "The Luck Factor". A book Grandaunt lent me ages ago. It's a book on psychology, written by this guy about his study done on Luck. Read the first 2 chapters only, but it was quite interesting. He gave lots of real life examples of the exceptionally lucky and the exceptionally unlucky. The part which made me giggle (pls don't say I'm mean..I couldn't help it) was when he gave a real life example of this woman who has been unlucky throughout her life. Since young, she's always hurting herself in accidents, had a serious head injury cos she hit a rock while picking daisies, etc. Then when she grew older, her love life was shit as well. Here comes the funny part. She was supposed to go on a blind date with a guy, but on the day itself, the guy met a motorcycle accident and broke both his legs. The 2nd time, she went for a date with another guy, and this guy rammed into a glass door, resulting in a broken nose. And 2 days before her wedding, the church in which the wedding was to be held in got burnt down by arsonists. Funny hor? Damn suay manz. And her driving was a total screw up too. She rammed her car into a wall on her driving test day and was made to pay for it, since the car was not insured properly (lame manz..), and her worst road accident was meeting 8 accidents on the road while driving on the same day. Can you believe it? 8!!! I wonder if she hit the headlines in the American newspaper for that..or is it British? Can't remember..

How about the lucky ones? President Truman was one of the examples given. Kate Moss was another. She was talent scouted while queueing up to catch a flight (I think) at JFK Airport with her dad. But the thing I don't agree is she was talented spotted cos of her striking looks????? My oh my..I never recalled that she was pretty..tall's the thing..but..*shrugs* Better don't criticise so much...she's a wellknown model now anyway.

Eyes got tired reading under a dim bedside light, so I closed up the book and tried to sleep once again. Didn't succeed, accounting to why I'm able to add a new entry to the blog.

I'm feeling sleepy, but just can't sleep. What should I do? No games to play either since I got pissed off downloading Gunbound into my new laptop, with credits going to the stupid fucked up NTL. Their connection SUX! To think they claim to be the best in UK..MY FOOT! So slow, disconnects all the time and expect us to pay for such lousy services..

Wanna talk cork to anyone in ICQ or MSN, but no one I'm comfortable with. Don't feel like going to IRC too. No wish to entertain some horny bastards who is still hard up for sex at this bright shiny hr of the day. Or to entertain some bo liao idiots who initiates a chat, then keeps mum throughout the conversation. What's the point right? Might as well don't message. Damn stupid. But ok lah, I used to be stupid before as well to entertain these people by giving the same treatment back to them.

The most ideal thing to do apart from the marvellous idea of going to sleep, is to do productive things like GO DO THE PROJECT. I'm feeling quite excited about doing it, but a bit funny to do it at this hour right? I might just end up typing the whole night through. I can actually  happily read up some stuffs on venepunctures, cannulations, Staphylococcus Aureus etc now since I'm so free, but suan le. I rather 'talk' to myself here.

Been thinking about when to go for my next shopping spree. I know it never ends up as a spree unless I have set my mind to things I have to buy. 8 out of 10, it ends up being window shopping. I should take a walk I reckon. I have been indoors for too long, not that I don't like being indoors, it's just that I have to admit it's not healthy.

Have this sudden urge to call Mum to have our girly gossip session. She probably gonna complain about Dad offering to bring me to China, without even asking her along. Well, the both of them can go if they want. I'm sure Fred and I can settle our own meals and wash our own clothes. At least I think I can. So what;s the problem manz..apart from the ironing :X. If I'm gonna call her now, she might start nagging at me for not keeping to the regime Prof Kua has set for me. Come on lah, be realistic sometimes manz. It's not as if I don't want to sleep early during exam period. It's that I can't and even if I were to force myself to bed at 11.30pm, like as if I will definitely doze off. But I'll try my best to change my bad habit when I go back to Sg for summer. At least I know Daddy cum Nanny Phua will make sure I shoo off to bed by the allocated time (if I'm home at that time..hahaha) and come with that hot cup of milo (slurp!) the next morning.

Better shoo off to bed now. Sun's rising soon. Rambled enuff as well. Good night to me..

After my nap..

Had my shower. Feels great. I was scratching my arms and legs like crazy before that.  Must be due to the dry conditions and the dusty pig sty I'm living in.

Slept for a long time...4 hrs+. Initially it was quite difficult to fall asleep because of the sun shining into my room, but I managed to doze off after a while. I was feeling comfortable hugging my pillow and enjoying the security being tucked under my blanket.

Comatised myself, hence giving my fatigued mind a well-deserved break, for so many hours made me feel slightly better. I got up refreshed and all ready to do something to myself. No, not beautify myself and whatnot. It was time to clear my messy shelf. For the past weeks, my books were all over the place, papers all over the place etc. It can really make you feel irritated..that's how bad it is, so I decided that I shall neaten it a little. Placed all my notes into the respective lever and ring files, threw bags and BAGS of paper and all kinds of rubbish which I don't need anymore out of my house, cleared my thick stack of mails which has been outside my room for mths. Hung up some of my jackets. The other thing which I haven't done is to vacuum my room. I hate this chore because I always tend to take hours doing it even though my room's small. It's the amount of hair that is all over my carpet which is taking lots and lots of time. Can't blame me though. The longer the hair is, the more it drops.

Chatted with my parents over MSN for a while. Dad told me he's going to China after my return to SG and asked if I want to go. Probably not, but will see how. Heard from Mum he's going to Shanghai, Guangzhou and Beijing. I'm wanting to see Shanghai. The lights and building infrastructure has always made me go "Wow", but I have reasons for turning down the offer if timing clashes.

Kinda bored now. Will surf around and rot for a while before I get down to doing my project. It's time I started. I reckon it will do me good as well, so I won't be so free to let my mind wander around too much.

Exams are over..

Came home not too long ago from my final exam, concluding the end of the Intermediate MB exams.

The xray exam wasn't as easy as how my housemate made it out to be. But fortunately I studied it. Actually anyone who didn't study for it will know at least one of the answers anyway..who doesn't know where the diaphragm is on the film?

I look damn dead today. Eyes feeling damn dry from last night's..ya noe. I had a terrible sleep as well. Couldn't get to bed, kept tossing n turning. Then came a whole string of stupid nightmares. Lame ones, but I can't remember it now.

I wasn't able to get up this morning. Thanks to Mum who made the effort to give me 3 morning calls to make sure I've gotten up. I must have sounded really tired, cos she kept asking me if my eyes are open yet and if I'm sitting up.

I am really tired...tired of everything. And there is still one more project to go...

Will catch some sleep now...I seriously don't wish to keep thinking of things...

I'm really down...

2nd blog of the day.

I realise I'm been blogging a lot a lot recently. Several times a day. I am not sure why I'm doing this too. Is it because I need to talk to someone badly? Is it because I'm too bored? Stressed? Lonely? But the thing is I'm not very interested in talking to anyone, for example to my parents today.

They were concerned for me. Gave me a morning call just to make sure I've really gotten out of bed and prepare to go for my exam. Mum wanted to wish me good luck, just to hear an irritated and frustrated voice on the other line. Dad was concerned about how my practical exam went, ending up getting "anyway, dun call me now. i am not interested in talking to anyone" on his MSN screen. It was rude of me, but typing a more polite sentence didn't cut across my head with the fact that I'm real sad over the whole issue.

The rest of the evening was quiet. Housemates went out except Shim who is playing games in his room. There was no noise apart from my music playing nonstop. I stared at the screen many times, looked through X rays, but I know my mind's filled with things. It seemed to be exhausted and saturated..so much so that it's refusing to take anything else in. As a result, it is making me feel once again that I'm not living a life. It's amazing how long I have been living my current life this way and not actually realising tat I don't have much of a life till this year. I need a break. I think I really had enough.

I miss the smile I give myself every morning, when I look into the mirror to check out if there are any new members to the pimple population, see my messy hair, and of course to bluff myself by saying "Gosh, you're pretty", even if I can be having puffy eyes and looking damn shit. I usually only start making noise abt it after I've washed my face. Things changed for the past few days. From the girl who sleeps through her sadness and turn chirpy after that became someone who couldn't wear a smile in the morning. I've been waking up looking dead, especially this 2-3 days. Looked into the mirror. Couldn't wear a smile at all. The only smile I wore was on webcam, but it wasn't a real genuine happy smile. I just wore it, in hope to cheer Jason up. I am not happy, with school being the main reason.

Have been asking myself once again what should I do if I really can't make it through to Yr 4. Then asking myself what should I do if I make it through to Yr 4. I started doubting my capability, my hardwork, everything. I kept thinking where did my mistake lie, whether I underperformed, whether I made the right choice doing medicine, whether everything throughout this 3 years was just a game..a joke, what lies ahead in front of me. I thought I would see some light as I go through this dark tunnel, but I find myself losing it more and more. I wish someone would just give me a direction.

I know I shouldn't be blogging these unhappy things or my problems when I do have someone who is willing to hold my hand and bring me through this ordeal. However, I am not able to bring myself to talk about it. I have been secretly crying in bed in the night and telling me I will be ok. Yet I just refused to pick up the hp to drop a sms. It's not that I don't feel comfortable, but it's this sudden wanting to keep it to myself. I don't really need him to listen, I just want to hear him talk..telling me everything that was going on for the day, just like how we started out, with him telling me abt his camp, abt his men, his clerk, the old gingers etc. Listening was a joy to me. But it hasn't been happening these few days.

I guess I am being unreasonable and oversensitive now. I'm not blaming him, and he should not be blamed too, because he is tired and busy himself. I can fully understand how he feels having to sleep only 3 hrs or so everyday. I wouldn't be able to take it myself, needless to say him when he just recovered from a bad flu. Everyday at different times of the day, he is in my mind. I kept looking at my watch and guessing what he could be doing. Look at my hps, hopefully to see a missed call or a sms. And if there was any, I knew I was on his mind. Despite the smses he give me, I dunno anything abt things going on. I don't really know what he does everyday now, apart from very very brief things he told me about. I don't know anything about how people in his group were, how his seniors were like...basically everything. I wouldn't mind listening to him talk n talk, but I know time's the restricting factor. Pardon me, I'm just rambling about silly things.

Last night, I was hoping to receive a call from him even though he was busy. I was having exam jitters, and I needed someone around. I lay on my bed, hugging my pillow and waited, but none came. I decided to give up, so smsed him good night. As I was typing my sms msg, a sms came in. I wasn't feeling excited because somehow I knew it wasn't something good..I just could feel it. So I just went ahead to send my msg first before reading it. My instinct was right. And my sms sent wa, sent at a right time indeed...sounded like a reply to his msg, which actually wasn't. I went back to lie on my bed, and my tears rolled down. I knew for a fact that I was alone, no matter how he tells me I'm alone. I can't kid myself..I really can't.

About an hour ago, I gave him a morning call cos he's got QET later. I was unreasonable again. I was silently hoping that I can talk to him longer. I'm really feeling shit. He is extremely tired due to lack of sleep from yesterday's orientation. So he sounded very dead and a "Bye" came on abruptly during the conversation. I was too down to say anything, so I just hung up soon after. I didn't want to let him know how I feel, because I want him to go for his exam with no emotional burden or worries. I told him I'll call him before his test. I wanted to just wish him all the best on the phone, and to hear his voice, but unfortunately, it seemed difficult as well, for a reason I don't know and can't understand. Geez...what's wrong with me today...why am I being so...so..argh...

From these things that have been going on, I realised that I'm turning to be too dependent on others. That's not me. I used to be independent, need no concern from anyone, and could handle everything myself. Mum used to say I've got a guy's character and so did my brother. But they told me they think otherwise now. I think they make a lot of sense now. I've kinda thought so for some time, but am more than convinced about it now. I guess I should learn to be more independent and rely more on myself, in order to not end up ruining this relationship. I treasure my current relationship very much. I have no idea where to start becoming independent again and I'm too mentally tired to think about it. Cried so much as I'm blogging this entry that my eyes are starting to burn..darn. Maybe it's just time to do my prayers and then go to bed.

All the best to me for my xray exam later..

Screwed up my practical exam

Today's horrid.

Practical exam has ended, but I feel as if my life in medical school has ended as well. My theory papers didn't go well, and so did my practical.

I have staying positive and consoling myself that I will go through it like everyone else, so I have yet actually broke down a lot this time round. But after all these while, finally I broke down again. I tolerated it ever since during the exam till now that I am back home.

My first station started off terribly. I was given a fat patient in which I had to examine his groin. Note the word GROIN. It was not embarrassing for me because I was never embarrassed abt being asked to examine a groin, but the thing was, I was asked if he had a hernia there and the fact that I was so engrossed with examining this umbilical lump on him, I sort of drifted to the wrong direction. The consultant of this station wasn't particularly nice to me anyway. From the start to the end, he was looking strict and wouldn't even bother to give me a smile no matter how hard I tried to be nice. And the horrid part came when he told me off by saying, "I was asking you if this patient had a hernia in his groin, not about that mass in his abdo" Ok fine. I knew it straight on the spot I fucked up the whole station, so I politely admitted my fault and asked to examine the patient's groin. The patient took off his pants, which was ok. Felt around and felt nothing and I was aiming to examine the scrotum as well. But the consultant stopped me and said that's enough. Then he went on to ask me very specific questions. I could answer some only. He looked very unhappy with me. I knew he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out from the look he gave me. Feeling deeply demoralised, I still tried to put on a smile, hoping he would be merciful towards me, but I guess not. I'm sure not.

There were many more unpleasant things which happened, but I shan't describe them anymore, just so as to stop myself from bringing out the 1001 mistakes I made today. Went in confidently, came out feeling shittier than ever.

A few of my female coursemates were sobbing during the halftime break. Some cried after the exam. I felt like it too, and I could feel my tears whelming up, but I didn't want anyone to know what was going on in my extremely lost and confused mind. I didn't want anyone to know I was weak. I didn't want any consolation or concern from anyone. For once, I chose to be alone.
After the exam, as I was walking along this long pathway in the hospital, I started thinking about my fate. Was it all meant to be a joke that I had to put in so much effort thoroughout my 3rd year only to know that I've flunk the entire exams and gonna repeat. I won't be able to take it. It was then I started asking myself what am I gonna do if this happens. I dunno the answer, and after thinking for so long, I still don't. That feeling was the same as how I felt in May. Scary, insecure, demoralising, absolutely depressing.

Got a X-ray interpretation exam tmr. Have not studied for it. Will do so later. I am tired, physically and MENTALLY. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Was thinking of Jason, thinking about my exam, thinking about everything that has been happening to me over the past few months. I teared in bed, while hugging my pillow tightly. I needed a good hug, needed a shoulder to cry on. I wish everything was just a nightmare which I will wake up from. I wish I would just open my eyes and be welcomed by my parents and Jason, telling me it's all not real. I really wish that had happened..no kidding.

Cried a fair bit on the phone when Jason called a while ago. He consoled me and told me many things which made sense. Hearing his voice and knowing he's there on the phone telling me that he loves and care a lot about me made me feel slightly better, even though there was no way I could recover so quickly from this morning's experience. He couldn't do much as he had to assemble for orientation and stuff. Not his fault and can't blame him. In fact, I'm grateful and appreciative for him trying his utmost to support me. I just wish he was here beside me to lend a shoulder to cry on. It would beat hugging my pillow n weep.
 

I need some moral support... :(

Just finished looking through my practical procedures and the stuffs for communication skills section.

There was so much to be done. I really underestimated the volume manz. Or perhaps it's just me trying to be thorough again. But then, I don't actually think I've been extremely thorough with my revision. I've been lazier compared to before. I think it is quite obvious to me.

Will be going for my practical exam in Llandough Hospital later. I'm feeling a bit worried at the moment. Worried I will forget steps etc. My housemate told me not to worry because the doctors will be there to help me and they won't fail me for no reason. I hope it will be so, cos I did work so so hard for clinicals, at least I think I know the steps lah.

Gosh, I really need some moral support.. :( sigh..

Please bless me and let me do well for my practicals later..*prays hard*

Shit..another overslept day..

New template!!!!

*Yay* I've got a new template! Cute huh?
 
I played around with lots of HTML today cos I don't have any motivation to study at all. Just so bored of it. I can't sit on my desk and study for long for the past few days. I guess I'm too in the holiday mood...
 
Check out the new features in my bloggie: Tagboard, Comments, Counter
 
The thing now I can't figure out is how about can I actually fit pictures together with my text. Those expert bloggers might probably luff their teeth off if they hear how stupid I am with this. *pai seh*
 
Woke that little baby up from his lovely sleep. Called so many times then he woke up. Must be tooooo tired..poor thing. It's hall orientation for him today! Coolz..wonder how it'll be like for him. Maybe he might just call me at night and complain loads..haha. But I hope not, hope he'll have tons of fun and make lots and lots of friends!
 
Seeing him starting sch reminds me of my first few days in NUS. Everything's so alien to me. A map was a die-die-must-have. I would have gotten lost in that big place without it, and Lemon was relying on me for directions somemore..haha.
 
First day's quite shiok I remember. New faces, new environment, new start. We girls were looking around at people...ok...guys...(but I look at girls too ok). Unfortunately, spotted nil yandaos in Science faculty. I think the guys I knew during orientation were more yandao..geez..but who cares..dun even keep in touch with them anymore.
 
The thing I remembered most was the food. Gosh..so dirt cheap!!!! That's the only thing that I miss..haha...where else can you get cheaper food than in NUS? Not sure for NTU though. Hopefully it's damn cheap too, so that Jason and I can have cheap meals together..save money manz..wedding in 6 yrs time..*winkz*
 
He'll be going online once he reaches his hostel. I'm gonna stay up and wait...so excited manz. I get to see him again!!!! Not sure what time he's got to get ready for orientation, but I hope it won't be that early. I miss talking to him. I'm not sure when I will get to talk to him so easily again apart from my return to Sg.
 
The route for the next 3 yrs will be tough for us. If I make it successfully to Yr 4, I'll be sent to other parts of Wales for attachment and will not be back in Cardiff as often as now. And he'll be busy with school etc. Well, we both know the hurdles ahead, but we haven't got a choice have we? Will try to hold on to each other and overcome the odds. I sincerely pray hard that we'll make it through.
 
Feeling a little mouth itchy..hehe. Hmm..shall make bread dipped in milo now..yummz. I shall try to motivate myself to eat and put on weight cos Jason said I've lost weight..sigh..what will my parents say this time again? *I miss home-cooked food*

I got lousy story-telling skills

Just ended the call with Jason.
 
He dozed off..why? Cos I told him a bedtime story. But he must fallen asleep because I got horrible story-telling skills.
 
He wanted me to coax him to sleep (awww..that sweetie baby..). This is something I should be doing since he does it to me every night, but I'm bad at it. He requested for a bedtime story just now. I wasn't able to tell any because I know none, so he said just tell him any from the numerous dramas and movies I've watched. I told him about The Classic.
 
Was telling this lovely story with lousy skills of mine halfway and there, silence on the phone. No replies to 'Hello's. I started talking to myself on the phone, wanted to say out how I feel for him, wanted to tell him I'm happy..wanted to tell him I'm loved..wanted to tell him I miss him very much, but I didn't. He wanted us to say the 3 words to each other everyday, saying that it's great to start a brand new day with it..I do agree in some ways. It will make me smile at the very least.
 
I said it to him on the phone just now when he was sound asleep. I say it to him many times everyday, but saying it to him when he's asleep is something I haven't done. I did it today. Gave him a good night kiss on the phone and after wishing him good night, I hung up the phone.
 
Hope he sleeps well tonight. He must be very tired after a busy day cleaning up and moving things into the hostel.

Before revision..

EXTREMELY HOT AND SUNNY SUNDAY IN UK!!!!!!
 
*sweatzzzzz*
 
Woke up an hr ago. Had my brunch which consists of 2 slices of white bread plus a hot cup of milo. Yummy! And now I'm sweating like mad.
 
I don't like opening my curtains because I don't like the sun shining into my room. I was trying to act angmo once by opening up my curtains and then sitting by my bed where the sun shone in, thinking that "Hey, it's great to have some sunshine..vitamin D formation for strong bones!" and darn, I got tanner! Regret it manz, so NOPE, no way am I gonna commit the same mistake.
 
But cos it's so warm today, I had to turn on my fan and open up my window to air my room as well. The sun is scorching manz. Reckon those angmo will be happily sitting under the sun in the park nearby to get a nice tan. Being tan nice meh? *shrugs*
 
Was looking through some people's blogs. Quite cool to know how others are getting on with their life.  Since I don't share my blog link with others, so only I know about what's going on with my life..haha!
 
Was chatting with Jason for a while on the phone before I got up and wash up. He's moving his stuffs into the hostel. But he doesn't seem excited. He said his room mate is quite a nice fellow..that's great manz. At least it isn't some pain in the ass.
 
He showed me his room using the webcam yesterday. Hmm..not bad..quite big like he said. The furniture's quite standard too. But the whole room is so plain! I'm thinking about how to beautify it for him. I wanna make it so cosy for him so that he'll enjoy going back to his hostel everyday after school. It's really nice to be welcomed with a nice room after a tiring day isn't it? At least that's how I feel. I love my pig sty in UK. Very messy, but I know it is cosy enuff for me. My little nest..hehe.
 
He doesn't seem to have a notice board. Maybe can buy one for him to put by his wall..cool huh? I just love decorating rooms..but unfortunately, money's the problem. But see how lah..go back to sg then say..heez..SOON SOON!!!!!! YIPPPPEEEE!!!!
 
Little Jolene's bday today. How sweet. I wonder if she had any birthday party. I bet she did. Gosh, I can imagine her cute smile while receiving loads of attention and presents from her relatives. Makes me recall my excitement when I was a little girl. I still love prezzies now though. :)
 
Ok, blogged enough. Time to open up the books and study. Sianz manz...bleah.. Can't wait for the practicals to be over now. Then I can 'throw' the books away for the while and start on my project.
 
Shall wait for Jason to come home to chat with me..yay! He's going to orientation the next few days..so today's probably the last time we'll get to chat our fill for the whole of next week. Must treasure manz..heez..

Just a normal Saturday..

I just downloaded the programme Hello. Looks kinda cool. Was testing it a moment ago by posting up the lovely picture I mentioned a few days ago about the ballet shoe. Scroll down to see the earlier entry. It's quite a big pic...oh manz...makes me drool...
 
Half a weekend has passed and I did nothing much. Pure relaxation, apart from brief revisions for practical. Didn't study very much today. Woke up late, rot lots and then studied only 3 systems. 5 more to go, and I am aiming to get them done by tomorrow, so that I can happily take my own sweeeet time to glance through my self-written notes on Monday and turn in early (like as if I can get to sleep...exam jitters).
 
I did a few things to my blog. Was exploring around and changed my template to a sweet pink. I think the template would be nicer if there were more shades of pink, just to make it look less serious. I'm too lazy to come up with my own. I actually did a little of it when I was bored some time back, but I met with some problems and can't be bothered to do it. If I ever get into the mood, then I might complete it during my summer vacation. If not, oh well..stick with this one then. Sianz lah. So troublesome...for comp idiots like me.
 
I downloaded 2 songs today. Both are by Maksim...Bumble Bee and Hana's Eyes. As I was hearing Bumble Bee, it brought back memories of the first time I met Jason. We went to HMV in Orchard. I always loved classical music, and it's rarely I get to go into that 'special' room if I go out with my friends. Most think I'm siao..listen to operas, etc. I think it's nothing wrong..it's one's preference. But I can understand why people can't appreciate it, just like me who can't appreciate those yelling kinda music..example Linkin Park..which drives many mad for a reason I doubt I can comprehend. But then again, I think it's skillful for people to be able to 'scream' songs...I don't think I can do that.
 
Jason is one of the rare few who goes in with me. I remember me asking politely, "May I go in to listen?". Then I happily went in like a little girl. Were listening to different albums, until Jason introduced me to Maksim. He said Bumble Bee's fantastic and I should listen to it, which I did. And I remember opening my mouth wide in shock when I listened to it. How the hell did he play that?! The tempo's toooooo fast!!! I was terribly IMPRESSED!!! We were spending some time in the classical section, and then the funny part came when we went to the 'ranking' area. He started asking silly questions like "Why are two 2s?" And my answer was "Why are two 3s? Why are there two 4s..etc...etc" It must have been silly that's why we both started giggling away and suanning each other. Those were the days. It was not too long ago..but seemed like years back. I really miss it..
 
A special thing happened today. I drank a bottle of Tango. Tango's like Fanta Orange..a fizzy drink. I dislike fizzy drinks, but I got so thirsty today and was craving for something sweet, so I just grabbed that bottle of Tango on my book shelf and drank it. It doesnt seem to quench my thirst though. I still felt thirsty..in fact thirstier! What the hell..  Oh manz, I miss my only-from-market Soya Bean Milk. Yumz!!! Must remember to drink some in SG..or else it'll be months before I get to drink it again.
 
There are more things to blog actually, but shan't write them down as it's quite private. Don't really want people finding out about it either.
 
Alright, time to turn in. Oh..vince is online! Woohoo..the professional DJ of #Justblog. I haven't heard him DJing for a long time. Too bad it's getting late now and I won't be able to stay up to tune in if he decides to DJ later. What a waste. I haven't been in #Justblog for quite some time. In fact, I haven't been in IRC, except to download the 2 songs just now. I'm trying to quit it. Don't see a purpose to be in there anymore since everything looks so dull now and I don't seem to feel belonged anywhere in IRC already. I don't feel the friendship between me and others like before too. It's pointless now.
 
Good night midge...
 
*P.S.: Happy birthday to little Jolene...it's a pity I can't tell her that even though I've noted her bday down in my calendar*
 
 

Nice shoes huh..*dreamzzzzz* 

The Classic..

I just finished watching the 2nd disc of 'The Classic'. Goodness me, I've watched this movie for like dunno how many times...5 or 6? But it's still as good as ever. The music is still fantastic. The only difference now is I don't cry when watching it anymore! Must have got numbed by now.
 
Slept really well last night. I had a dream about my results. Scary manz.. I didn't do well for it. It was quite lame anyway, but hope it will not come true. I'm getting slightly worried. Everything was fine except some tossing and turnings because I felt kinda sticky. I remember saying before that I will NOT open my windows when I'm sleeping, and since my humidifier was on to maximum power, I felt a bit uncomfortable after a while..too humid already..haha. Turned it off the moment I got up.
 
So what programmes have I got today? Nothing much. Could go out and shop, but too lazy and can't be bothered. Shall do it after my practical exam. Hence, today's task is just to REVISE (not again...bleah...) !!!!!! Still trying to get myself going and motivated to revise for practical after having woken up like about 2.5 hrs ago..haha. Shall do it after this blog entry (hopefully..yah right)
 
I'm also waiting for Jason to come online. He's been cleaning up his hostel room this afternoon, and I think it must be a nightmare for him, especially when he's such a clean monkey. So jie pi. Finally his room mate has moved in. I am not sure if he's disappointed or what...haha, cos he was hoping no one would take up the other bed, so that I can go over and sleep on it if I stay overnight in his hostel. And of course, who wouldn't want to pay the price for a 2-bedded room in order to get a WHOLE room to yourself?! I, for one, won't mind definitely.
 
Had a nice time lying on my bed and looking through the catalogue. I was choosing bedsheets for him. Looks like it might be cheaper to buy them in UK, rather than in Sg. Saw something quite nice..buy one get one free somemore..hahaa...so worth the $. But not sure if he finds it too girly, even though I'm sure he likes anything I buy for him, as long as it's not PINK. What's wrong with pinky pink? I think guys look nice in pastel pink shirts. At least I think my dad does. But he chose BLUE anyway, so that shall be the colour. Maybe I should go to the other store to see their catalogue too...more options...geez...I'm getting so so so so soooooooo excited...weehheee!!! 
 
Not sure if his little party is going on tomorrow. His friends are going to have a gathering and they are planning to do it at his place (Jason is quite unwilling though..rather have it done outside). They're holding it because he's going to uni soon. Awwww......how sweeeeet! I wish I had mine all over again..ahhaa. A pity I can't join his little party. It would be such great fun having me around wouldn't it? *bhb grinz*
 
Suddenly got excited over some stuffs. Ok, I've been excited about these things for a long time. I'm excited about doing my hair! Gosh, what's nice? My hair's like half brown and half black now..should look quite gross at the back with such a colour. Thank goodness I don't have eyes behind my head. And then I start thinking about what colour I should dye my hair. Jason likes plain looks, even though he respects my decisions. I guess I'll just go for the plain look..ok..plainer look since I'm already plain. Probably dye it to a shade of brown sooooo dark that you won't even notice it and think it's black. Not bad huh?
 
Mum said that she knows this hair dresser who is very good. I might pester her to bring me to that lady..haha..see what advice she can give and what kind of hairstyle she thinks will be good on me...I wouldn't mind a new hairstyle PROVIDED it isn't difficult to maintain..I'm lazy ya noe?
 
2nd issue..CLOTHES!!!!! I always love clothes. Love looking at them..haha..love trying them..love buying them (provided I got the money)..love chucking them in the cupboard and realise they're too small to fit me after they've grown mould on them. I hope to buy a few nice tops or bottoms in UK before I go back to Sg, but the clothes here are so HOLEY and REVEALING. Sorry, I don't have MASSIVE boobs like the angmos. So there is nothing to reveal..but still, I don't like feeling too 'cool' either. Afraid of catching a cold... :X
 
Ok, shall ring Jason to see how he's coping with his modem which is making his blood boil and then study. Will my parents call me later? Hmm..they might hor? Mummy misses me I reckon...*bhb*