Screwed up my practical exam
Today's horrid.
Practical exam has ended, but I feel as if my life in medical school has ended as well. My theory papers didn't go well, and so did my practical.
I have staying positive and consoling myself that I will go through it like everyone else, so I have yet actually broke down a lot this time round. But after all these while, finally I broke down again. I tolerated it ever since during the exam till now that I am back home.
My first station started off terribly. I was given a fat patient in which I had to examine his groin. Note the word GROIN. It was not embarrassing for me because I was never embarrassed abt being asked to examine a groin, but the thing was, I was asked if he had a hernia there and the fact that I was so engrossed with examining this umbilical lump on him, I sort of drifted to the wrong direction. The consultant of this station wasn't particularly nice to me anyway. From the start to the end, he was looking strict and wouldn't even bother to give me a smile no matter how hard I tried to be nice. And the horrid part came when he told me off by saying, "I was asking you if this patient had a hernia in his groin, not about that mass in his abdo" Ok fine. I knew it straight on the spot I fucked up the whole station, so I politely admitted my fault and asked to examine the patient's groin. The patient took off his pants, which was ok. Felt around and felt nothing and I was aiming to examine the scrotum as well. But the consultant stopped me and said that's enough. Then he went on to ask me very specific questions. I could answer some only. He looked very unhappy with me. I knew he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out from the look he gave me. Feeling deeply demoralised, I still tried to put on a smile, hoping he would be merciful towards me, but I guess not. I'm sure not.
There were many more unpleasant things which happened, but I shan't describe them anymore, just so as to stop myself from bringing out the 1001 mistakes I made today. Went in confidently, came out feeling shittier than ever.
A few of my female coursemates were sobbing during the halftime break. Some cried after the exam. I felt like it too, and I could feel my tears whelming up, but I didn't want anyone to know what was going on in my extremely lost and confused mind. I didn't want anyone to know I was weak. I didn't want any consolation or concern from anyone. For once, I chose to be alone.
After the exam, as I was walking along this long pathway in the hospital, I started thinking about my fate. Was it all meant to be a joke that I had to put in so much effort thoroughout my 3rd year only to know that I've flunk the entire exams and gonna repeat. I won't be able to take it. It was then I started asking myself what am I gonna do if this happens. I dunno the answer, and after thinking for so long, I still don't. That feeling was the same as how I felt in May. Scary, insecure, demoralising, absolutely depressing.
Got a X-ray interpretation exam tmr. Have not studied for it. Will do so later. I am tired, physically and MENTALLY. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Was thinking of Jason, thinking about my exam, thinking about everything that has been happening to me over the past few months. I teared in bed, while hugging my pillow tightly. I needed a good hug, needed a shoulder to cry on. I wish everything was just a nightmare which I will wake up from. I wish I would just open my eyes and be welcomed by my parents and Jason, telling me it's all not real. I really wish that had happened..no kidding.
Cried a fair bit on the phone when Jason called a while ago. He consoled me and told me many things which made sense. Hearing his voice and knowing he's there on the phone telling me that he loves and care a lot about me made me feel slightly better, even though there was no way I could recover so quickly from this morning's experience. He couldn't do much as he had to assemble for orientation and stuff. Not his fault and can't blame him. In fact, I'm grateful and appreciative for him trying his utmost to support me. I just wish he was here beside me to lend a shoulder to cry on. It would beat hugging my pillow n weep.
Practical exam has ended, but I feel as if my life in medical school has ended as well. My theory papers didn't go well, and so did my practical.
I have staying positive and consoling myself that I will go through it like everyone else, so I have yet actually broke down a lot this time round. But after all these while, finally I broke down again. I tolerated it ever since during the exam till now that I am back home.
My first station started off terribly. I was given a fat patient in which I had to examine his groin. Note the word GROIN. It was not embarrassing for me because I was never embarrassed abt being asked to examine a groin, but the thing was, I was asked if he had a hernia there and the fact that I was so engrossed with examining this umbilical lump on him, I sort of drifted to the wrong direction. The consultant of this station wasn't particularly nice to me anyway. From the start to the end, he was looking strict and wouldn't even bother to give me a smile no matter how hard I tried to be nice. And the horrid part came when he told me off by saying, "I was asking you if this patient had a hernia in his groin, not about that mass in his abdo" Ok fine. I knew it straight on the spot I fucked up the whole station, so I politely admitted my fault and asked to examine the patient's groin. The patient took off his pants, which was ok. Felt around and felt nothing and I was aiming to examine the scrotum as well. But the consultant stopped me and said that's enough. Then he went on to ask me very specific questions. I could answer some only. He looked very unhappy with me. I knew he wouldn't hesitate to throw me out from the look he gave me. Feeling deeply demoralised, I still tried to put on a smile, hoping he would be merciful towards me, but I guess not. I'm sure not.
There were many more unpleasant things which happened, but I shan't describe them anymore, just so as to stop myself from bringing out the 1001 mistakes I made today. Went in confidently, came out feeling shittier than ever.
A few of my female coursemates were sobbing during the halftime break. Some cried after the exam. I felt like it too, and I could feel my tears whelming up, but I didn't want anyone to know what was going on in my extremely lost and confused mind. I didn't want anyone to know I was weak. I didn't want any consolation or concern from anyone. For once, I chose to be alone.
After the exam, as I was walking along this long pathway in the hospital, I started thinking about my fate. Was it all meant to be a joke that I had to put in so much effort thoroughout my 3rd year only to know that I've flunk the entire exams and gonna repeat. I won't be able to take it. It was then I started asking myself what am I gonna do if this happens. I dunno the answer, and after thinking for so long, I still don't. That feeling was the same as how I felt in May. Scary, insecure, demoralising, absolutely depressing.
Got a X-ray interpretation exam tmr. Have not studied for it. Will do so later. I am tired, physically and MENTALLY. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Was thinking of Jason, thinking about my exam, thinking about everything that has been happening to me over the past few months. I teared in bed, while hugging my pillow tightly. I needed a good hug, needed a shoulder to cry on. I wish everything was just a nightmare which I will wake up from. I wish I would just open my eyes and be welcomed by my parents and Jason, telling me it's all not real. I really wish that had happened..no kidding.
Cried a fair bit on the phone when Jason called a while ago. He consoled me and told me many things which made sense. Hearing his voice and knowing he's there on the phone telling me that he loves and care a lot about me made me feel slightly better, even though there was no way I could recover so quickly from this morning's experience. He couldn't do much as he had to assemble for orientation and stuff. Not his fault and can't blame him. In fact, I'm grateful and appreciative for him trying his utmost to support me. I just wish he was here beside me to lend a shoulder to cry on. It would beat hugging my pillow n weep.
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