A feeling I can't describe

It's amazing how early I'm up today.

I must have dozed off due to fatigue. I was waiting for a call, which eventually came.

Last night was hell for me. I wish my life ended on the spot. And this morning, the sky's gloomy again, so it didn't help to add some sunshine into my day.

Unfortunately, there are some things which can't be said here. A lot of thoughts are flooding my mind. I feel something I can't describe. It makes me at a loss and worried. Yet, somehow I know what that feeling is. It's not a good one. But I can't talk about it. I think my current situation is bad enough, and I have no wish to worsen it, and definitely don't want anyone to get the wrong idea that I'm using my blog to gain pity from others.

This blog contains my true feelings..my happiness..my sadness...my anger. I'm not minding that my comment section is staying at nil for every entry.  I'm just blogging to get things off my chest, things which I can or cannot talk about to others.

I don't have much friends here in UK. I don't have anyone whom I can have a heart to heart talk with. I don't have people supporting me at all. 3 years ago, I should have foreseen all these and perhaps, my mind would have changed? It's too late to turn back now anyway. Throughout these 3 years, numerous things have happened, leaving both very happy and sad memories for me. I have been struggling and struggling to keep myself on my feet, trying my best to stand firm and strong, refusing to admit I'm a girl, and hence, I must appear weaker than anyone else. I recall the days I walk down the roads to school alone, watching people in groups around me. I felt like a wandering soul whom no one noticed. Just a chinese girl, who is foreign to this land, and ignored.

My room in Talybont (my hostel in yr 1) and my present room in Miskin Street which I have lived in for 2 years are the best memories for me here. This room is my shelter. I never fail to use it to hide away from everyone else. It shared all my joy, my tears, my anger, my fears, and everything I experienced over the years. It is the only place I feel belonged to, because no where else makes me feel the same way.

Looking back to how I was 3 years ago, I felt that I have changed, especially comparing myself with mths ago and now. The present me has lost all confidence. I don't even know what I am looking like now. It must pain my parents a lot if they were to know what state I am in. Call me silly, but I really have no wish to live at the moment. Just over a week, I lost everything. My dream to become a doctor...I dont even know if I will get to see the day. I just want to get a degree home, and be a graduate like everyone else, but nothing is going right. I'm so tired of studying and pushing on. Does anyone understand how I actually got myself into this state?

I need to talk to someone very badly. But home isn't a place I can call now. I have my reasons. I can't let Dr. Winterburn know my problems because I don't want to lose my chance of being able to be brought back again on track. I can't talk to many ppl because I don't feel comfortable. I'm not close to anyone.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would make a difference to this world if I were to bid an enternal goodbye. I'm sure my parents will not forgive me. Mum told that to me before. I feel that I'm moving that direction, and I wish I will not ever have the courage to do it.

I am tired of living. I told someone before that love isn't everything. There are many things in this world that we have not seen...and we will never finish seeing them, but they are of no meaning to me anymore. I am not hoping to see everything in this world. I just want my own goals and priorities to be met and achieved, but what goals and priorities do I have now? I've lost them...hence, what others things should I look forward to?

I hope I will get out of this soon before I do anything which is too late..