White lies pisses my ass off

So I haven't been good, because I intend to tell white lies. They're harmless, but they are still lies isn't it?

I guess I've weeped enough about my fucking clinicals. Can't go on brooding forever..even if I brood, I'm not gonna show it. I'll just do it when no one's around.

Forced myself to face reality by talking to people again. People I love. Like mum, like Jason. Peaceful talking that is.

Dad must have told Mum what happened, and she was concerned, so gave me a ring yesterday to check out how I'm coping with it. Things were going fine, with me sounding alright, till a sensitive issue was brought up again. It was about how to explain to those 'people' about my LONG vacation. Again, gotta cook up with silly story in order to save my face, and save myself from a whole lifetime of criticism.

Nothing I do ever seems right to them. If I'm bad, I'm crap. If I'm good, others are better. Sp what's the point? I realise that so many times, I've been doing things to just satisfy others, rather than sparing some thought for my own feeling, my own capability and giving myself the opportunity to slowly unveil any hidden ability I've got (like as if I have one). Of course, I won't force myself into doing things that I hate to the core just to satisfy others. I'll just have to find the solution to suit all.

When the topic of finding a white lie was brought up in the conversation, I lost my cool. I wasn't mad at my parents because I know they wanted the best for me, and did not want me to face any insults when I return, but the reason why I still lost it in the end was due to years of accumulation.

I told Mum I'm sick of lying. Why does everyone have to poke into my business and not leave me alone? Why is it I have to report any misfortune to them? Why is it I have to lie all the time if something bad happens just to save myself from trouble? I find living under such a family tree a torture, and even told Mum that if I had a chance to pull away permanently from all these, I wouldn't hesitate to do it straight away.

That's not a family. I feel like as if I'm some celebrity, with paparazzis and irritating reporters around. I don't even have my own privacy to keep mum about things. I know this white lie is gonna be essential for me, but if I had more understanding relatives who are SINCERELY concerned about me, then I wouldn't want to go to the extent of lying. Failure to me wouldn't seem like some an end-of-the-world issue. I wish so much to have the freedom of being able to tell others the truth, be it whether I get any consolation or not. But just stop the criticisms is all I ask for from them. Yet, this small little wish which I've been wanting since I was a little girl seems like something that will never come true.

I made known to Mum about my thoughts, my sorrows about the whole issue and told her that whatever that happened in May wasn't an overnight event. It has been accumulating for more than a decade and it wasn't purely self-inflicted. I gladly admit I wasn't been as strong as I should be emotionally, but I'm human like others, and I don't see a need to why I should be deprived to even have my own thinking, my own feelings. I do get hurt too. I do cry too. What's wrong with all that? I've been robbed of my own freedom to a certain extent, does it mean even who I truly am inside should be robbed away as well?

Mum said I'm being overly sensitive. Maybe I am, then why again do I have to accomodate to others? Why can't they just see it and stop doing those things to please me FOR ONCE?

Better not type more about it. Worried I might start getting worked up again..sigh..this is my life..what a shame..

Anyway, Jason and I are back to normal again, although there was some 'not very nice' things going on yesterday. But am glad that after a sleep, we're both alright again. I was back at suanning him. His voice sound so 'sexy' at the moment..hahaha..cos he's losing it. I hope he gets back his nice voice soon. Find it so difficult listening to his broken-up words and hoarse voice. He sounded like he drank a whole barrel of chilli sauce last night or been a nightingale for the past week. Geez..poor fellow. He's still my darling all the same though. I would probably make him loads and loads of chrysanthemum tea or force chin chow drinks down his throat. Too heaty I suppose.

My left eye lid has been twitching for DAYS. Kinda pissing to feel it so many times a day. Wonder what that means. Jason said it's wealth. Geez..since when? How come I don't seem to suddenly be rich? He said it could mean that someone is missing or scolding me..haha. Yah yah, the latter is more like it. Wonder who that asshole is. Will he/she please stop? Don't let me catch ya or else I'll definitely flush you down the toilet bowl after I've shit in it.

Will be continuing doing my project later in the day. Wanna rot first. Maybe vcd shall be the next thing to do...