Disappointment

Short but major quarrel, bringing 2 people great disappointment.

I couldn't hold onto the phone much longer, had to hang it up. It was torturing controlling myself from crying out loud and hearing hurting things over the phone. I realised I've lost my freedom  to speak and my privilege of having the shoulder I needed.

At this point of time, who should I rely on apart from myself?  Family's still the one ultimately isn't it? But I am really not ready for round 2 with Mum, knowing that she's never good with words and has the tendency to add salt to wounds without any intention to do so. That's just the Mum I've loved so dearly for the past 22 years.

Dad? He knows about it already. Told him about what happened this afternoon. I could hear his disappointed tone, which made me feel bad. I know he had done his best to try see me through this ordeal. I guess I should refrain from showing him how I feel deep down. I don't want him to worry.

Him? Appreciated his effort of calling me everyday despite the great lack of sleep and tiring orientation for the week. But I guess his fatigue and my emotional build-up due to what has happened today got the better of us. A supposedly daily happy morning call turned into a great disappointment for both parties, each giving a piece of our mind to the other. I knew the words made sense, but it didn't make me feel better. Then came the not-so-nice ones, which was indeed hurting.

No one likes to be a source of stress to the one he/she loves and no one loves crying. But sometimes things are not within control. How long do I have to hold back my tears? I held it back the whole day...and it feels terrible. Being sad and not able to cry feels worse than being able to. Maybe it takes one who experienced it to understand. 

Finally, I broke down in the comfort of my own room, wishing I had a listening ear. I knew who I needed, only to hear something darn hurting from. Through his words, it made me realise what I was capable of. It made me realise how 'independent' I was. I'm being over-reliant on someone, so much to the extent I was turning selfish, isnt it?

I'm dead disappointed and I reckon he must be too. I told him I'll not confide in him anymore. It's going to be tough for me since I'm so used to it, and since dunno when, I started to have no wish to talk to anyone except him and my family.

I feel like as if I've gone back to my starting point, where I have to learn to do things myself all over again, to coax myself, to rely on only myself...

I suppose the best start would be through distraction. Maybe putting my heart and soul solely on my project would be the best thing to do. But first, I'll need a good sleep.