Sorry..I've been too possessive

From the look of the title, it's kinda obvious what this blog entry will be about.

I have been guilty since last night about my behaviour last week. I didn't think it was THAT bad, and didn't realise more things, things which I should have thought about even before I lost my cool.

For the first time in my life, I have been over possessive. I guess this is the first time a guy tells me this. I felt like I was a pest, but I didn't know that I went overboard with what I did.

During the past week, he was at orientation camp and I was the one who asked him to go for it. Just for the sake of obliging my request, he forced himself to go for it. However, activities at the camp ended so late every night and as a result, we didnt get to chat much over the phone or MSN like how we did before. He was extremely exhausted everyday, but still made the effort to give me a ring every night. Yet, I wasn't pleased. I started becoming unreasonable and got angry over the matter. I felt insecured throughout the whole week, and kept calling him. His hp wasnt with him all the time because some games played were too dirty and messy. And I got quite worried and angry whenever he doesn't pick up my call. Ok lah, anyway, I've been a nightmare gf to cut things short.

So last night, things were discussed. Some things which he told me honestly hit me real hard. I think I haven't been a good gf. I'm wondering if he is really happy with the way I am, or is he just accomodating with me because he loves me. I'm worried of becoming like his ex. I see myself turning into her slowly and the moment I think about it, the fear in me builds up.

I can't explain why I got so possessive recently. I know I need him very badly, especially when many things happened here in UK over this short period. I didnt want to turn to anyone, hence, the blogging. And the fact that he just started school, the environment around him is a big change to the days of army. More contact with people, more contact with girls, etc. I'm not against him mixing around, but contradicting my words, I am worried about losing him. It doesn't have to be to girls, but even friends.

I guess all these things happen because we just started not long ago and things are not extremely stabilised to an extent allowing elimination of all these fears and insecurity. But one thing I'm sure about is that we both love each other very much. If not, I guess we wouldn't bother to actually discuss these issues and try to make things up with each other.

What he told me last night is still embedded deeply in my head. It got me dumbfounded. Actually, there are so many things which he had or will be willing to do for me which I am not able to. And to think I still dare to tell him I love him everyday. Now I'm wondering if I'm fit to say this even though I do mean it.

Will spend some time to think about these and see where else I can make changes to myself. Looks like love is really difficult to understand. Sweet on the outside, but to bring out this sweetness, there is so much to learn, to give, to sacrifice, to accomodate.