I'm really down...
2nd blog of the day.
I realise I'm been blogging a lot a lot recently. Several times a day. I am not sure why I'm doing this too. Is it because I need to talk to someone badly? Is it because I'm too bored? Stressed? Lonely? But the thing is I'm not very interested in talking to anyone, for example to my parents today.
They were concerned for me. Gave me a morning call just to make sure I've really gotten out of bed and prepare to go for my exam. Mum wanted to wish me good luck, just to hear an irritated and frustrated voice on the other line. Dad was concerned about how my practical exam went, ending up getting "anyway, dun call me now. i am not interested in talking to anyone" on his MSN screen. It was rude of me, but typing a more polite sentence didn't cut across my head with the fact that I'm real sad over the whole issue.
The rest of the evening was quiet. Housemates went out except Shim who is playing games in his room. There was no noise apart from my music playing nonstop. I stared at the screen many times, looked through X rays, but I know my mind's filled with things. It seemed to be exhausted and saturated..so much so that it's refusing to take anything else in. As a result, it is making me feel once again that I'm not living a life. It's amazing how long I have been living my current life this way and not actually realising tat I don't have much of a life till this year. I need a break. I think I really had enough.
I miss the smile I give myself every morning, when I look into the mirror to check out if there are any new members to the pimple population, see my messy hair, and of course to bluff myself by saying "Gosh, you're pretty", even if I can be having puffy eyes and looking damn shit. I usually only start making noise abt it after I've washed my face. Things changed for the past few days. From the girl who sleeps through her sadness and turn chirpy after that became someone who couldn't wear a smile in the morning. I've been waking up looking dead, especially this 2-3 days. Looked into the mirror. Couldn't wear a smile at all. The only smile I wore was on webcam, but it wasn't a real genuine happy smile. I just wore it, in hope to cheer Jason up. I am not happy, with school being the main reason.
Have been asking myself once again what should I do if I really can't make it through to Yr 4. Then asking myself what should I do if I make it through to Yr 4. I started doubting my capability, my hardwork, everything. I kept thinking where did my mistake lie, whether I underperformed, whether I made the right choice doing medicine, whether everything throughout this 3 years was just a game..a joke, what lies ahead in front of me. I thought I would see some light as I go through this dark tunnel, but I find myself losing it more and more. I wish someone would just give me a direction.
I know I shouldn't be blogging these unhappy things or my problems when I do have someone who is willing to hold my hand and bring me through this ordeal. However, I am not able to bring myself to talk about it. I have been secretly crying in bed in the night and telling me I will be ok. Yet I just refused to pick up the hp to drop a sms. It's not that I don't feel comfortable, but it's this sudden wanting to keep it to myself. I don't really need him to listen, I just want to hear him talk..telling me everything that was going on for the day, just like how we started out, with him telling me abt his camp, abt his men, his clerk, the old gingers etc. Listening was a joy to me. But it hasn't been happening these few days.
I guess I am being unreasonable and oversensitive now. I'm not blaming him, and he should not be blamed too, because he is tired and busy himself. I can fully understand how he feels having to sleep only 3 hrs or so everyday. I wouldn't be able to take it myself, needless to say him when he just recovered from a bad flu. Everyday at different times of the day, he is in my mind. I kept looking at my watch and guessing what he could be doing. Look at my hps, hopefully to see a missed call or a sms. And if there was any, I knew I was on his mind. Despite the smses he give me, I dunno anything abt things going on. I don't really know what he does everyday now, apart from very very brief things he told me about. I don't know anything about how people in his group were, how his seniors were like...basically everything. I wouldn't mind listening to him talk n talk, but I know time's the restricting factor. Pardon me, I'm just rambling about silly things.
Last night, I was hoping to receive a call from him even though he was busy. I was having exam jitters, and I needed someone around. I lay on my bed, hugging my pillow and waited, but none came. I decided to give up, so smsed him good night. As I was typing my sms msg, a sms came in. I wasn't feeling excited because somehow I knew it wasn't something good..I just could feel it. So I just went ahead to send my msg first before reading it. My instinct was right. And my sms sent wa, sent at a right time indeed...sounded like a reply to his msg, which actually wasn't. I went back to lie on my bed, and my tears rolled down. I knew for a fact that I was alone, no matter how he tells me I'm alone. I can't kid myself..I really can't.
About an hour ago, I gave him a morning call cos he's got QET later. I was unreasonable again. I was silently hoping that I can talk to him longer. I'm really feeling shit. He is extremely tired due to lack of sleep from yesterday's orientation. So he sounded very dead and a "Bye" came on abruptly during the conversation. I was too down to say anything, so I just hung up soon after. I didn't want to let him know how I feel, because I want him to go for his exam with no emotional burden or worries. I told him I'll call him before his test. I wanted to just wish him all the best on the phone, and to hear his voice, but unfortunately, it seemed difficult as well, for a reason I don't know and can't understand. Geez...what's wrong with me today...why am I being so...so..argh...
From these things that have been going on, I realised that I'm turning to be too dependent on others. That's not me. I used to be independent, need no concern from anyone, and could handle everything myself. Mum used to say I've got a guy's character and so did my brother. But they told me they think otherwise now. I think they make a lot of sense now. I've kinda thought so for some time, but am more than convinced about it now. I guess I should learn to be more independent and rely more on myself, in order to not end up ruining this relationship. I treasure my current relationship very much. I have no idea where to start becoming independent again and I'm too mentally tired to think about it. Cried so much as I'm blogging this entry that my eyes are starting to burn..darn. Maybe it's just time to do my prayers and then go to bed.
All the best to me for my xray exam later..
I realise I'm been blogging a lot a lot recently. Several times a day. I am not sure why I'm doing this too. Is it because I need to talk to someone badly? Is it because I'm too bored? Stressed? Lonely? But the thing is I'm not very interested in talking to anyone, for example to my parents today.
They were concerned for me. Gave me a morning call just to make sure I've really gotten out of bed and prepare to go for my exam. Mum wanted to wish me good luck, just to hear an irritated and frustrated voice on the other line. Dad was concerned about how my practical exam went, ending up getting "anyway, dun call me now. i am not interested in talking to anyone" on his MSN screen. It was rude of me, but typing a more polite sentence didn't cut across my head with the fact that I'm real sad over the whole issue.
The rest of the evening was quiet. Housemates went out except Shim who is playing games in his room. There was no noise apart from my music playing nonstop. I stared at the screen many times, looked through X rays, but I know my mind's filled with things. It seemed to be exhausted and saturated..so much so that it's refusing to take anything else in. As a result, it is making me feel once again that I'm not living a life. It's amazing how long I have been living my current life this way and not actually realising tat I don't have much of a life till this year. I need a break. I think I really had enough.
I miss the smile I give myself every morning, when I look into the mirror to check out if there are any new members to the pimple population, see my messy hair, and of course to bluff myself by saying "Gosh, you're pretty", even if I can be having puffy eyes and looking damn shit. I usually only start making noise abt it after I've washed my face. Things changed for the past few days. From the girl who sleeps through her sadness and turn chirpy after that became someone who couldn't wear a smile in the morning. I've been waking up looking dead, especially this 2-3 days. Looked into the mirror. Couldn't wear a smile at all. The only smile I wore was on webcam, but it wasn't a real genuine happy smile. I just wore it, in hope to cheer Jason up. I am not happy, with school being the main reason.
Have been asking myself once again what should I do if I really can't make it through to Yr 4. Then asking myself what should I do if I make it through to Yr 4. I started doubting my capability, my hardwork, everything. I kept thinking where did my mistake lie, whether I underperformed, whether I made the right choice doing medicine, whether everything throughout this 3 years was just a game..a joke, what lies ahead in front of me. I thought I would see some light as I go through this dark tunnel, but I find myself losing it more and more. I wish someone would just give me a direction.
I know I shouldn't be blogging these unhappy things or my problems when I do have someone who is willing to hold my hand and bring me through this ordeal. However, I am not able to bring myself to talk about it. I have been secretly crying in bed in the night and telling me I will be ok. Yet I just refused to pick up the hp to drop a sms. It's not that I don't feel comfortable, but it's this sudden wanting to keep it to myself. I don't really need him to listen, I just want to hear him talk..telling me everything that was going on for the day, just like how we started out, with him telling me abt his camp, abt his men, his clerk, the old gingers etc. Listening was a joy to me. But it hasn't been happening these few days.
I guess I am being unreasonable and oversensitive now. I'm not blaming him, and he should not be blamed too, because he is tired and busy himself. I can fully understand how he feels having to sleep only 3 hrs or so everyday. I wouldn't be able to take it myself, needless to say him when he just recovered from a bad flu. Everyday at different times of the day, he is in my mind. I kept looking at my watch and guessing what he could be doing. Look at my hps, hopefully to see a missed call or a sms. And if there was any, I knew I was on his mind. Despite the smses he give me, I dunno anything abt things going on. I don't really know what he does everyday now, apart from very very brief things he told me about. I don't know anything about how people in his group were, how his seniors were like...basically everything. I wouldn't mind listening to him talk n talk, but I know time's the restricting factor. Pardon me, I'm just rambling about silly things.
Last night, I was hoping to receive a call from him even though he was busy. I was having exam jitters, and I needed someone around. I lay on my bed, hugging my pillow and waited, but none came. I decided to give up, so smsed him good night. As I was typing my sms msg, a sms came in. I wasn't feeling excited because somehow I knew it wasn't something good..I just could feel it. So I just went ahead to send my msg first before reading it. My instinct was right. And my sms sent wa, sent at a right time indeed...sounded like a reply to his msg, which actually wasn't. I went back to lie on my bed, and my tears rolled down. I knew for a fact that I was alone, no matter how he tells me I'm alone. I can't kid myself..I really can't.
About an hour ago, I gave him a morning call cos he's got QET later. I was unreasonable again. I was silently hoping that I can talk to him longer. I'm really feeling shit. He is extremely tired due to lack of sleep from yesterday's orientation. So he sounded very dead and a "Bye" came on abruptly during the conversation. I was too down to say anything, so I just hung up soon after. I didn't want to let him know how I feel, because I want him to go for his exam with no emotional burden or worries. I told him I'll call him before his test. I wanted to just wish him all the best on the phone, and to hear his voice, but unfortunately, it seemed difficult as well, for a reason I don't know and can't understand. Geez...what's wrong with me today...why am I being so...so..argh...
From these things that have been going on, I realised that I'm turning to be too dependent on others. That's not me. I used to be independent, need no concern from anyone, and could handle everything myself. Mum used to say I've got a guy's character and so did my brother. But they told me they think otherwise now. I think they make a lot of sense now. I've kinda thought so for some time, but am more than convinced about it now. I guess I should learn to be more independent and rely more on myself, in order to not end up ruining this relationship. I treasure my current relationship very much. I have no idea where to start becoming independent again and I'm too mentally tired to think about it. Cried so much as I'm blogging this entry that my eyes are starting to burn..darn. Maybe it's just time to do my prayers and then go to bed.
All the best to me for my xray exam later..
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