Regret calling home...

I'm back, in less than an hour after my earlier blog.

So what the hell is going on with me? I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF! What a drastic change Michelle. Just an hour ago, you were beaming and now u're saying u're fucking pissed off?!

I reckon this blog entry will be full of vulgarities, but I'll try to control myself.

For the bloody fact that I have no idea who to call to fucking complain to, and for the fact that ALL the bloody clubs and pubs have all closed for business at this hour and the blasted mama shops are all closed now, I have to resort coming here to vent my anger. Thank goodness there isn't any alcohol around, or I might just end up buying cans and cans of beer to drown myself with in my room and hopefully concuss till I never ever wake up.

I called Mum, like what I said I will do just a while ago. And she fucking ruined my mood COMPLETELY. I was still going "Call you to talk cork" and the next second she was "Why u not slping? Your dad's gonna be angry if he knows about this. Go and sleep." Fine, usual nag. It was hurting, but heck care. Then it continued with "Today, the results out. Go to the hospital later to find out." For fuck's sake, do I look like I give a damn? NO! I DON'T! Besides, it doesn't concern me. The results that will be out later in the afternoon has got NOTHING to do with me. It concerns my other classmates, but not me. My name isn't gonna appear there because I have not even completed my project. How the hell are they gonna tell me I passed or failed Yr 3 then? The year coordinator told me my name won't be found on the list and things will only be finalised in mid august. But Mum kept arguing.

The thing is even if my results are gonna be out later, I don't give shit. I haven't finished my project and so what if I know if I passed or failed my papers..will it make a difference to my project? Does it mean that if I failed my papers..meaning I'm gonna repeat Yr 3 means I can might as well don't finish the project and just pack up and go back to Sg? No right?! I still have to finish it, so what's the problem?! Why get so panicky over it then? I might as well wait till the day I hand in my project then I'll go see my results (if it appears like what she bloody claims!)

Go on and say I've lost my self confidence. I'm not gonna argue, I'm not even bothered. Mum went rantling on about this, and I was turning a deaf ear. My self esteem's got nothing to do with anyone else. I don't need any help and I don't want anyone else to care for me...what's the use anyway? I've been leading my life this way ever since dunno when!

Don't ask me why the sudden change. I am just pissed off with my life and everything around me, especially school. I wish they can just leave me alone for a while. Why do I always have to force myself to push on when I want a break? Is it gonna help? NO! It's just gonna backfire and make me hate things around me more!

I used to love studying, but I hate it now. I really do. I hate people talking about my exams to me. I hate people bringing up anything to do with my third yr in med school. If anyone's dying to help me, then for goodness sake, stop talking about it or try to understand me!

Mum claims she understands. What rubbish! What does SHE understand? NOTHING! She knows nuts about what I went through..school...life...peers. What she knows are just things I tell her. That's her claim of understanding me? BULLSHIT!

She doesn't understand my fear. She doesn't understand why I changed so much. She doesn't understand why I get so worked up and extremely sensitive about anything related to med school.

Who really understands anyway?

I am losing my goal..my confidence..everything. In fact, life doesn't have much of a meaning to me now...