I'm shattered by yesterday's on call. It was a very very busy day yesterday, and I went past my working hours once again. I'm not grumbling, because I had some really lovely patients, and their smiles were my energy boosters.

I think I need to work on my speed in clerking, and need to start reading up. I can feel my knowledge level declining by the week.

Didn't have a very good day today. I was piled up with numerous jobs, but that was ok. I guess I wasn't in my best mood because I was tired, and didn't smile as much as I normally do. Plus I had a patient who was quite rude to me, which pissed me. He was arguing with me about the treatment he was having, and me being the doctor, having the prescription chart in my hand, I couldn't have been wrong in telling him what medications he had taken in the day. But he continued arguing with me, and even after I checked with the nurses, he still insisted. I wasn't angry at him insisting that he's right, but I was upset about how rude he was. If it was the Consultant he was arguing to, I bet my Consultant will tell him straight in the face about his attitude, but being only a junior, I had to tolerate with his nonsense because I can't risk my license with any complaints this year.

Sometimes I just wish I am blessed with the skill of being extremely sarcastic, and I'll gladly use them on patients like him. It's when I meet assholes like him which really provokes me to wanna climb up the hierachy ladder as soon as I can. I had enough of rubbish people getting on my nerves just because they know I'm a junior doc.

Had a hard time with Radiologists as well. I dread talking to these 2 radiologists. I'm not trying to be racist, but it so happens that those people who give me trouble all the time are of the same race that it just changes my opinion of them. It was only a simple Xray, nothing too difficult. All I wanted was to clarify my own findings, and that fucked up asshole made me stand there for 10 minutes listen to him preach abt how busy he is, and even dare give me the bloody excuse that he doesn't have a computer around to load the Xray I am asking about, when for fuck's sake, there is one opposite his room. Sometimes, I think lazy bastards are just damn good at wasting time talking nothing but cork, when they could have jolly well please everyone else by just spending that oh so precious time of his to look at one simple xray and give me an answer. In fact, it'll take up lesser time than the time he spent preaching. I was so irritated that I told him that he's wasting his and my time, and with the time he spent telling me how busy he is, he can jolly well load the xray and solve everyone's problem. But then again, I'm sure this idiot must have heard the same comment from a thousand others who must be cursing him behind his back, that he so calmly told me again that he's busy, and got no time to stand up and go to another computer. CCB...if he's so fucking lazy to even stand up, why even bother to work? People like him shouldn't even have legs in the first place, shouldn't even be healthy in the first place...or shouldn't even living in the first place....such a waste of this world's resources, PLUS what a waste to bless him with health when so many others out there are struggling their ass off to survive. To hell with such people! I shan't be that nice to those 2 people the next time.

Back to happier things.. :)

Dearie passed his telephone interview for his application to take part in the China Future Leaders' Programme, so he's invited to go for a formal face-to-face interview, and if he does well for it, he'll be heading for the States for conferences held in US prestigious universities for abt a week. Apparently, it seems like a tough one since students from the top universities in China have applied for it too, and the first rounds of selection is done by looking at your academic record. Am glad that at least Dearie managed to pull through the academic bit and the first round of interview.

I won't be in touch with him if he is lucky enough to get selected and decides to head for America. He claims that it's a good opportunity for him to take a look at how US is like, especially the top Unis there, since he is so hoping that both of us will apply to do a MBA course together in the States in future. Honestly, I do wish to do a same course as him, and I'm sure my parents will feel more at ease since we're most likely going to live and study together. But with the rate I'm going, I don't know if I'll have such a chance.

I'm sure I'll be missing him if he gets to go to the US, but this will be a good exposure for him, and will be something to boost his CV. Anyway, whatever the outcome is, whatever decision he makes, I will be supportive of it.

Shall get on to do some impt stuffs now, before I head to bed. Pretty tempted to stay up a little to call him (missing him badly..), but I don't know if I can last till then...

Never did I think I'll be able to be truthful to my parents about my relationship with Dearie. I thought they're never very much interested in how my relationship is going on, and besides, I think it's embarrassing to talk about it too.

But it seems like I'm wrong. My parents are in fact very very interested in how both of us are getting on. I can sense that they're extremely supportive of my current relationship, and that makes me really happy.

It took me quite a bit of courage to tell Mum that I am troubled over my looks, and how insecure and inferior I feel about it. I thought she'll just say I'm crazy and brush me aside, but instead, she let me rant on and listened attentively. My tears were about to roll when I suddenly burst into laughter after having heard Dad raising his voice at the back in a defensive and worked-up way, "WHO SAID MY DAUGHTER IS UGLY?! WHO?!?!?"

Was telling Mum that Dearie's ex-admirers are attractive, and whenever I look at myself, I feel quite lousy. No one will believe that he would choose me over them. Apparently, Mum told me that she is confident and trusts that Dearie is true to me, from the way she observed him during her stay in UK and when he came to visit me in Singapore. She could tell that Dearie won't take a fancy in other girls because he doesn't even bother to look at other girls at all. I can tell that Dad likes him very much too, or else he wouldn't be so concerned about Dearie's future and about the progress of our relationship.

Anyway, Dearie mentioned something which made me think today. Actually, it's quite silly to be thinking about this when I'm only 25 this year. Dearie was telling me about this giant piece of land in the mountains which belongs to his family. It's where his ancestors are buried in, and his ancestors who bought this mountain had created levels on it for the future generations to be buried in when they pass away, so that the entire family will always be together. Dearie said he has counted the levels and already knows where his grave will be when he passes away at an old age, and that mine will be next to his. That should actually make me pleased because in a way, it shows that Dearie has his mind fixed to marrying me in future, but at the same time, it made me realise that when I grow old and pass away one day, I will still have to leave home. I love Dearie very much, and I think our relationship shouldn't just last till the day we breathe our last, and I'm sure like other couples, they will wish to buried next to each other when they pass away. It's not that I mind being buried next to him in his family's mountain...to be honest, it's a great honour if I can be buried there, but the thought of having to leave home just makes me sad.

I have lived 25% of my life so far in the UK, and I wish so badly to be home for good. I don't like living abroad, even if Dearie is with me. Although I'm always quarrelling with my Mum, I still wish to be beside my parents. I know that there won't be another place like Home, unless my family migrates elsewhere. I am willing to migrate to China if when my career is established enough to get me a good job there...call me silly..but I did think before about where I would like to be in the last days of my life..and that is nowhere but the place I was born in.

Haha..I think I'm being ridiculous to think about this when I'm still in my 20s. But I know someday, I'll have to face this problem after a few decades should I really get married to Dearie in future.

Sigh..don't understand why I'm having all these weird and negative thoughts that ruins my mood these days...what's wrong with me..?

I've tried. Tried oh so very hard to adapt to life in the countryside, but I really think such a life isn't my type.

My 6 weeks in a farm when I was in my 4th year doing Obs & Gynae had been torturing enough for me. I know it all sounds so exciting, going to hospital in the day, and then sleeping in a farmhouse at night, and then wake up in the morning by sound of the rooster calling, and see chickens running around while u gaze outside the window, taking sips from my cup of hot milo. But to me, that's a life I will never ever go for. Reason one is because I don't have a car, so once I'm stuck in the farm, I'm S.T.U.C.K. No shops, no supermarket, nothing around! Reason 2, mobile frequency in the farmland is extremely bad, so bad that I often have my line cutting off halfway while I'm having a conversation with Dearie...sigh.

I thought I'll never ever go to such a place again, but sigh...*shakes head*

Ok lah, it's not that bad here. It's still a town, at least, but still the countryside.

I have been cooping myself up in my hospital accomodation, not wanting to go anywhere for weeks, and today, I thought I'll go check out the town centre....

Forgot that transport is pretty crap in the UK, and poor me ended up waiting 50 minutes for a bus to town. Piangz, of all days, it's scorching hot in UK, and I was so dreading it. Could almost feel myself turning tanned by the minute...and of course, worrying that my face will start bursting with rashes.

I was quite excited after boarding the bus, telling myself that I shall do some shopping today. Shall slowly try to dress nicely from now on. But the town centre was such a disappointment. Was telling myself that even if I'm willing to spend a lot of money to dress myself up, this place won't be able to have what I want too.

It was practically a "countryside", and an old folks' land. There were quite a number of shops around, but the clothes there....gosh...I wouldn't even want it even if it's free. The only shop which kept me in for a while are stationary shops..because some of the files are so pretty. Was so tempted to buy it, but there's no need for me to buy expanding files, so I just left empty handed.

Ended up only buying food from Marks & Spencers. Looks like the only thing I can do here is to eat...sigh..

If only Dearie is here. I'm so tempted to go to London to proper shops to buy some good quality clothes. Honestly, I really wanna doll up here, but there doesn't seem to be a reason. If it's in Sg, I think I'll at least try to put some loose powder (or make up if I'm in a better mood)..not because I'm hoping to attract anyone..but u don't really want people to say how horrid u look even if they dunno u. But here....sigh...the people just can't be bothered.

It's not an offence for doctors to put make up, but somehow, it just seems odd because the doctors here don't even bother making up. Everyone dresses really simple, and it looks extremely funny if u see someone dressed like a runway model or a fashion kitten with a stethoscope around her neck, running around the entire hospital like an insane person, manicly writing up numerous blood forms, and walking around the ward stabbing needles into patients.

Plus Dearie isn't here also...and I'm not interested in any guy here and I'm not going out on special dates with anyone too....the more there isn't a reason to make up. I wish Dearie's back, then when I go out with him, at least I'll find it a reason to doll up.

Sigh..been feeling very "bie niu" abt this issue recently. On one hand, I think there's no reason to doll up, on another, I am envious of girls my age who are able to dress prettily and put nice make up, looking good before going out. And I'm so hoping to get braces done.

My teeth arrangement has always been a problem, and because I didn't have many teeth dropping when I was younger, the dentist didn't think I was ready for bracing when my parents seeked advice from him. Only 6 of my teeth dropped when I was young, and that was it. And it's definitely not possible to say that I have milk teeth waiting to drop now that I'm almost 25 right? But because it's so expensive to get bracing done here, I'll have to wait till I am permanently back in Singapore.and Dad who pities me a lot because people around me have been commenting so much on my teeth since young, said he'll sponser me to do it when I return to Singapore.

I've been so used to this criticism that it doesn't bother me that much anymore, but Dearie has been bringing this up quite a number of times, saying that his mum thinks I'll look pretty once I get bracing done, and this does have some effect on me. I know Dearie doesn't mind how I look at the moment, but I'm sure he'll be pleased if I get braces done and look better after the treatment is complete.

Sometimes, it does hurt when I think back about what his friends think of my looks. They were so excited when they heard that he's got a gf, and were thinking that this girl must be very very pretty, because Dearie used to have quite a lot of admirers who were pretty, but he didn't fancy any of them. They probably thought that Dearie didn't find them pretty enough. And when Dearie showed them my photo, they did get a shock..not because they think I'm ugly..but because I'm just extremely average. Brought this up to Dearie up a few times, and he thinks I shouldn't be bothered by it because ultimately, it's how he feels about my looks and I'm his gf..not theirs.

I keep thinking that Dearie doesn't mind how I look, but at times, when he brings up the issue about the bracing, I do feel that he probably minds it to a slight extent.

Samya said I'm turning obsessional when I suddenly told her that I have to rush back to the ward when she was chatting with me in my room.

It was 10.30pm then, and she decided to accompany me to the hospital. Clad in my GAP jacket, jeans and trackshoes, I ran up to my ward to make sure that I have got all the appropriate tests written up on the blood form for one patient. My colleagues thought I was crazy because if I forgot about it, I can do it the next day, but I thought since I'm free, I might as well do it. A job has got to be done when it's gotta be done no? I know this also sounds mad, but I actually think about my patients before I go to bed...wondering if they're well etc.

I cannot describe how much I love my job as a HO. Job satisfaction I call it. Although there is a limit to what I can do for my patients, and I do wish that some day, I'll be able to do a lot more for my patients, it still pleases me when I know they're stable.

One of my patients was in agony today, and crying because her legs are swelling, and she can feel her surgical wound "bursting". It pained me to see her in this situation, and after I got the permission to give her some medication to lose the fluid from her legs after spending some time persuading my Consultant, I went to break the good news to her. She was thanking me a lot, and I feel really happy to bring some relief to her.

A relative of a patient also came looking for me in the ward, because she wanted more info abt her husband's condition. I think I did a relatively good job explaining, because the couple were really happy, and ended up chatting with me about where I'm from, my family etc. Knowing that they're clear about the patient's wellbeing, I'm happy.

I was also called by the ENT department to be a translator for this Chinese patient who cannot speak any English. Apparently, this guy knows the family of a restaurant owner in the place I'm in, and this family did mention to him before that they have met a Singaporean who works as a doctor in the hospital and she can speak Mandarin (that's me!). The world is really small. I actually met this family in a supermarket when I decided to approach them to ask if there's any Chinese supermarket nearby. I didn't expect them to remember me. Will be doing translation again when he comes in for his actual surgery.

I also watched a cardioversion being done on a patient. The only time I watched defibrillators being used is on TV, and it looks really fake now that I'm comparing it with what it is in real life. Yes, the body does jerk, but it jerks very suddenly, and u can kinda imagine the effect of the shock on a person. Now I know why we have to put them to sleep. Definitely not gonna be pleasant if u're awake. In fact, I got a shock when the patient jerked so suddenly after a shock was given!

Dearie went to a huge media exhibition today, but unfortunately, it's been such a tiring day for him that we're not able to chat tonight. Am curious about how the exhibition went. It's the weekend, so hopefully I'll get to chat more with him..but yeah..my boy's got other obligations too...so shall cross my fingers...

I was lying on my bed, thinking that he wouldn't be bothered to message me, and somehow fell asleep, when suddenly my hp signalled that there's a message for me.

It was an apology from Dearie. Apparently, he's sad about what has happened, and he really must be because he sent the msg after he woke up. I'm guessing he probably didn't sleep well last night because of this too.

He promised that no matter how busy he is, he'll at least drop me a message to let me know how he is. :)

Am pleased that we're alright now, and I am quite surprised because he left me quite a few msges today, but I was running around the hospital the entire day like a crazy person, I didn't manage to get home on time to talk to him. But I hope at least now that we're happy again, he'll be able to sleep well.

Missing him a lot now, and I can't wait to speak to him again :D

I woke up disappointed when I received no smses from Dearie. Oh well..that's not surprising. It's not the 1st time.

I was itching to leave a message. I wanted to know how he is, if he's well. But I didn't.

Good thing I had my patients and work to distract me. Sounds weird, but life would be different without my patients. It makes me smile whenever I walk into the ward, and see them in bed watching TV or enjoying their cup of tea. It makes my day more when they give me a sweet smile when they see me too. I wasn't my happiest today, but with them around, I was cheered up. I was even playing guessing games with one of my patients today. She was chatting non stop with me, trying hard to guess where I'm from, and since I was busy, I decided to give her a few hints and let her spend the rest of the day having a think, while I finish up my other jobs. It was funny watching her sitting on her arm chair in deep thoughts, but nothing beats it when she said she's going to ask her husband to bring her a world atlas.

Anyway, Dearie finally smsed me this afternoon, which was kinda unexpected.

I finished work early today, so I went online to chat with him, but since the network was slow, he called. I could hear that he's excited and really happy to hear my voice. But I just couldn't get excited at all. In fact, I didn't have much to say to him.

Dearie said I haven't been sounding happy since the last time I spoke to him. I wasn't intending to tell him anything, but somehow things got blurted out after a while.

He had reasons (excuses to me) for everything that he has done. No calls because he's tired. No smses because he doesn't like to send msges and his hp isn't user friendly in sending msges. I couldn't even be bothered to ask for emails/letters, because if sms seems too much to ask for, then it's pointless to ask abt emails/letters.

Apparently, Dearie thinks about a relationship differently. He thinks that as long as a couple thinks about each other and care about the other deep down, that's all that matters. He went on telling me that his thought everyday is to try and finish his project as quickly as he can, so that he can rush back to UK to be with me, because he feels very guilty leaving me alone here.

I appreciate his thought, and I must admit that I am touched by it. But I cannot see myself being in a relationship whereby I don't even know when my bf will contact me, what my bf is doing, and how he is.

He can tell me how much he cares and misses me, but how am I to truly believe it if I can't even feel it, if I'm feeling insecure. He told me before that he wouldn't just disappear. Yet, I still get insecured. Maybe I haven't overcomed my phobia.

Dearie was angry when he went offline. I'm sure he thinks I'm being unreasonable again. Being his gf, am I asking too much for him to send me smses? I can't help but feel really hurt when he says sending sms is a chore.

It's been 3 days since we last spoke. And u probably think I am alright with that.

I dread myself for rushing home straight from work every night for u, and only to come home finding messages of how u missed me, but then end it with a "I'm a bit sleepy..so I shall sleep for a while"..and the "a while" turns into the next morning, my entire night of wait and disappointment.

It was my first pay day yesterday, and my colleagues were all hyped up and hence, they decided to head to the theme park in the evening for some fun and to watch fireworks and fountain displays.

I was in a dilemma when they grabbed me and tried hard convincing me to join in, because on one hand, I didn't want to let them down, on the other, I didn't want to disappoint u by making u stay up till so late, and then telling u that I'm off for some fun instead of talking to u. But when I came online and saw the message u left, there wasn't a point in me staying at home anymore.

Yes, I had fun, and I'm thankful that I have them to keep me company and get rid of my loneliness the entire evening. I enjoyed watching the fountain displays, but it brought back memories of us watching the musical fountain in Singapore. I enjoyed the fireworks display, but u don't know how much I wished u were next to me watching it. Why do I always end up doing these things with others, but not with u?

And if I didn't message u this morning, will u bother to even send me a sms? Your replies are no more than 5 words too. Somehow it looked like u were just patronising me. U said u're driving so the replies are short. I understand that, but after a msg when u've reached the office, u nv messaged me again...

I finished work very early today. I could have just stay in the wards and rot, but I thought I might as well go back to my room to see if u're around, and I'll chat with u until my bleep goes off. Sent u a msg, and today u're saying u're staying in DJY, so u won't be able to go online to chat with me..and for some strange reason, u cannot even call me. I'm not even interested in knowing why.

U said I should save my pay this month for our future, instead of treating u to dinner when u're back. The question I couldn't help asking myself on the spot is, "If we carry on at this rate, I won't even dare think about our future." I'm sure u won't realise it too...u're never sensitive to how I feel.

I cannot understand why u are bothering to tell me u're sorry about abandoning me here alone. I cannot understand why u're bothering to tell me that u're hoping to finish up your project in the company asap so that u can come back earlier to UK. Maybe u're thinking that after hearing this, I will not get upset or disappointed with u. But to me, these are separate issues.

I know it's only 3 days, and I shouldn't be grumbling, but like I said umpteen times, this isn't the first time. U said u'll not ever make me feel insecure again, yet this time, u're making me go through it one more time. Each time u make me go through it, u have no idea how badly I'm struggling with it.

I'm sick and tired of it. I shan't bother being the first person to sms u. If u think I'm worth it, u will start looking for me. But if not, I think how much u value me and our rship is clear enough.

These things happen all the time when we're separated, and u said u don't do it again, but u just did it again today!

I know u r tired, but u were the one who told me to meet u online and chat and u ended up being the one telling me u r tired and want to go and sleep too.

What's the damn point of wanting to meet online then?!

I was so looking forward to talking to u the entire day, and was so excited when I saw u coming online, but only to be disappointed again. What's worse is..this isn't the first time, and u promised me before that u will not do such things to me again. If I do such things to u, will u be angry? Can I say I am not disappointed?

I don't want "Sorry", neither do I want any virtual flowers from u as an apology. I told what I wanted and what I dread before we went separate ways, and I trusted u for not doing it again, but u didn't keep your word.

The internet connection sucks for some damn reason today, but I'm satisfied just typing, just as long as I get to talk to u. U know it best that we won't get to talk much anymore after today because u'll be starting work, and by the time I get home from work everyday, it would be way past midnight and due to the time difference, we won't even have a chance to talk. Weekends...u're busy with family commitments..and at the end of the day, u'll tell me u're tired.

Don't tell me u miss me. If u really miss someone, u won't mind chatting with her even if u're tired, and u won't say u're lazy to type. To think I felt excited waiting for u, to think I was hoping the time would come quickly so that I'll be able to talk to u.

If asking for some of your time as your girlfriend is demanding, I have no idea what u want. And I see no point in rushing home straight from work everyday, sacrificing my dinner just so that I won't keep u waiting till too late, when getting u to type is such a chore for u.

Seems like only 3 things keep me distracted now:

1. Work
2. Money
3. Finding a job in China

1. WORK
Despite dreading that asshole at work, I think I still enjoy my job on the whole. It's nice to talk to the family of my patients, nice to hear them say "Hello" when they spot you walking into the ward, nice to see them well again to be discharged.

I guess so far my greatest satisfaction is to calm an angry relative down alone. Normally these things should be handled by the Consultant or the Registrar, but because no one was around that day, I decided to handle the relative myself.

The husband of a patient of mine was very displeased with the way the NHS works and was telling me how flawless the Swiss medical system is. I have heard a lot of good things about Switzerland, and have heard that Singapore is nothing compared to them, hence being Singaporean and not being able to stand how the NHS works, it is natural for them to be unable to tolerate.

He was complaining that the doctors in the UK are not concerned about his wife's diarrhoea, and no one has explained to them about it, but always trying to discharge his wife when he knows that she's not well enough to go home, and as a result, have multiple admissions into the hospital within a short period of time.

I understand his concerns, and hence, didn't mind being lectured by him for a good period of time. But I think I handled this situation well, because after fully understanding his concerns, I did a look through of the patient's medical notes, new and old, and tried to find a reason for the diarrhoea. Apparently, the reason for the diarrhoea has been given in her past admission, but perhaps the doctors didn't bother to explain. I had to take over the job of slowing explaining it to the patient and her angry husband, and that did calm him down a little before he demanded an explanation to why the diarrhoea is persisting. Fortunately, the wife mentioned that she was supposed to have some enemas done every night by the nurses, but did not have them done. I then decided to dig into the medication charts and realised that the doctor who had admitted her forgot to note the medication down into her charts, and hence, the nurses didn't give it to her.

Had to explain this mistake to them, and assured them that I will write it up so that the nurses will give the patient her enema. I also agreed to get a dietician to see this patient as the patient and her husband were mentioning that she isn't eating or drinking well.

I find talking to patients and their family a challenge because there is a discrepancy in what the family expects of us doctors, and what we expect of the family. Being doctors and not being related by blood to the patients, it is difficult for us to treat them the same way as how we would treat and get worried about someone close to us. But for the patient's family, being all concerned for the patient, it is natural that they expect us to treat the patient like how we would treat our own parents, and neglect the fact that we have to share our attention with numerous patients. Also, being doctors, the public sees us as having the ability to turn things right when an individual's health goes wrong. However, many, at the moment of anger, forget that we're humans and not God. We can try our best to treat a person, but if someone's meant to breathe his/her last, there is nothing we can do to bring him/her back to life. Also, patients and their family expects us to put things right asap, but sometimes, the body takes time to heal, and patience is very important. As medical professionals, we know that certain diseases take months to heal, but for the general public who are layman to medicine, would be expecting a cure instantly. Unfortunately, that's not how nature is.

Anyway, after much explanation and making the husband aware that his wife's diarrhoea isn't going to be cured instantly, and the medication I've written up for her will only help stabilise her condition, and also explaining that he needs to give her body time to recover and that it's likely to take weeks and months rather than days, he finally calmed down completely and started to smile.

It was a great relief to see him smiling, and what made me happier was he started asking me where I'm from and said he's impressed with my patience and making every effort to find an explanation to the questions he has got. He's extremely satisfied with my explanation.

The next day, he happened to stream into the wrong ward to look for his wife, and I bumped into him. I thought he'll ignore me (angmos r great at doing that, mind u), but instead, he started talking to me, telling me how he told his son how patient I was, and knowing exactly what I'm talking abt, and I'm the first doctor he has met in the UK who is able to explain things well enough to keep him satisfied and happy. Hearing that makes me really pleased. This type of job satisfaction is something money cannot buy.

Although his wife has been sent to another ward now and will not be under my care, I hope her diarrhoea will get better soon.

2. MONEY
Everyday, I'm thinking about how I am going to earn more money during my stay in UK. When Dearie knew about it, he got worried because he doesn't want my health to go downhill due to lack of rest. I told him I have thoughts of working in a supermarket during the weekends to earn extra bucks, and apparently, he thinks I'm too harsh on myself, because that will mean I'm working 7 full days a week, on top of my on call hours.

I know if I keep myself busy with work, time will pass faster. But it will give me lesser time to keep in touch with Dearie. Being in a long distance relationship is tough enough, and if we don't even get to communicate much, I'm sure in no time, major problems will start to arise.

Does anyone know of any reliable webbies where I can do surveys and earn money from? I don't mind doing some data entry jobs or type letters too.

3. FINDING A JOB IN CHINA
Been surfing a lot to find a job in China as a medical doctor, but it's really tough. The number of foreign hospitals in Beijing is limited, and most of them are clinics. The foreign hospital isn't big too, hence, there are very few doctors working there. That also means competition is very very tough. Being a junior doctor, I don't stand a chance at all.

The more I surf, the more disappointment I get, and the more demoralised I get. I feel bad about not being fluent in my Mandarin to the point whereby I can even write medical notes in Mandarin and practise Medicine in Mandarin.

Told Dearie about this, and my fears. I couldn't help, once again, thinking what's going to happen to us if there is really no way I can work in China as a doctor. This issue can be easily resolved if I just quit and stay at home to be a taitai since Dearie is dead sure he can give me a good life, but I remember what I swore before in the temple before I went to medical school, and I know I'll face major retribution if I take back my words.

Sigh...don't know what I should do. Dearie thinks that maybe the situation will change in the next few years, and maybe things will turn out right for us. Sometimes, I think he's really positive.

I must have disappointed Dearie for throwing tantrums again. There were quite a lot of moments of silence when we were chatting online.

I miss him so much everyday and have tried hard to stay positive counting down the days of his return. I naively thought of it as being 2 months, and am so happy that a few weeks have gone now, and soon it'll be September. But reality hit me quite hard when I realised that it's most likely gonna be the END of October when he comes back. GREAT....so after all that days of counting, thinking that it's less than 2 months now, it's ACTUALLY SLIGHTLY MORE THAN 2 MORE MONTHS TO GO...-.-

I know it doesn't make a huge difference, but in boring UK, it does make a difference to me. It's no wonder why quite a number of foreigners here 2 or 3 time when they're studying. Apart from having support from someone u like, there is nothing else to look forward to.

Dearie is still as excited about our future. He thinks it makes him more motivated with his life, now that he has a goal to work towards to. I admit that I was excited initially, but I kinda lost that excitement already. It's not that I don't want to marry him, but it somewhat seem pointless of me being all hyped up when it's not gonna be anytime soon....it's years later we're talking about.

I know he has tried to be there for me even though we're in different lands, but in a way, I can see myself pulling away a little. I still look forward to chatting with him daily, but it's not something that I makes me feel as excited as before. There hasn't been any change in the way I feel towards him, and I cannot explain why I'm feeling this way.

Maybe our thoughts of this relationship is different. To him, we've made progress. To me, we haven't made any despite being told that we've got approval from his parents.

Perhaps I've kinda grown sick of the thought that even if I feel really shitty at the end of the day, the only comfort I get is from myself even though he listens. I know he's more than willing to listen, but honestly, all I want is just a hug, and because he's not here, I end up hugging my pillow and hide under my duvet for comfort.

I lost my appetite for meals too. Lunch is the only decent meal I eat everyday now. Dinner used to be my favourite time of the day, and I always get excited about where I'm going to eat with Dearie. But now that he's not around, I'm not motivated to eat anything at all. I get really hungry, and I find myself eating bananas and biscuits instead.

I guess it has gotten to a point whereby I'm starting to get frustrated. I blamed him for not being here when I need him badly, even though I know that he's in China now because he wants to take exams at a cheaper price and get the OCP cert to find a job here. He said he wished he's back in UK to accompany me now, but I just couldn't take it in. All I did was grumble and blaming him for my misery.

I miss the days whereby I'll dine with him in restaurants in Cardiff, and for some strange reason, I'm actually missing the food there. He said I can go there tmr to eat if I want, and I know I can, but the thought of me eating alone in Cardiff sucks. Things don't feel the same anymore, and I only feel ever more miserable and upset.

Dearie said maybe he won't be able to talk to me tmr, and that made me feel worse. I understand that he hasn't been staying at his Dad's for some time, and he tends to stay more at his Mum's because he can go online to talk to me. That isn't making his Dad very pleased unfortunately. I guess perhaps my mood is pretty fucked up today, so I got pretty unreasonable by being upset about why he has so many houses to go to, and why can't he just stay put in one house and that's it. Good thing I didn't say it out, or else that will really hurt him a lot, since it'll look like as if I mind his background.

I should apologise, but I'm too frustrated to do so now. Pissed off about being alone here.Pissed off that it's the weekend (which I was so looking forward to, but now I completely lost my mood). Pissed off that I don't have enough credit on my stupid calling card. Basically, pissed about everything for some strange reason.

Maybe it's me PMS-ing.

Fucked up idiots are just everywhere isn't it?

Thanks to my friend, Samya, that I get to chill out at the beach. I'm not a beach fan, but I appreciate her effort of trying to cheer me up. The weather wasn't the best to sit by the beach and enjoy a cup of hot chocolate. However, I got to see the massive waves, and do know where to bring Dearie when he comes to visit me. Most importantly, I have got to understand more about this friend of mine.

I have been really busy at work. As usual, I never finish on time. But my life is starting to get miserable because of 1 asshole. I know I sound really unprofessional, and being in the same team, we should give each other support. But what he has done to me over the 2 wks+ have been beyond my limit. Knowing how bad tempered I am, I will not be tolerating any nonsense, but because I see him as part of the team, I tolerated. However, it has gotten to a point whereby I can NO LONGER tolerate.

I can tolerate the shit jobs he throws at me. I can tolerate the fact that I am working till very late everyday to handle all the rubbish he gives me plus finish up his job. But I cannot tolerate the disrespect he gives me even though I'm his junior.

Apparently, I have written up blood forms for patients in the acute admissions unit because I was instructed to do so by my Registrar, but the asshole who shouldn't get himself involved with those patients because he wasn't on call with me that day and hence have absolutely no responsibility of these patients, went to the acute admissions unit and tore up ALL the forms I wrote up, and wrote new ones up himself and ordered shit load of blood tests for the patients when they don't even need them. And because of that, I have no record of what has been done because he upsetted everything for me.

What got me more pissed was instead of doing his job, he went poking into the stuffs I did for my patients, and didn't do any of his job. I finished my job 10 mins before 5, and I thought maybe he'll be busy in the main ward, and so kindly decided that I shall go and help him out. But the first thing he said when he saw me was "WHERE ARE ALL MY BLOOD RESULTS?! I WENT ON THE WARD ROUND TODAY, AND GOT ASKED ABOUT THEM. AND I COULD NOT EVEN TELL THE REGISTRAR BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE THEM!"

That pissed the hell out of me because I recorded all of it down into a file, and he was just stupid for not seeing it. Besides, he was the ONLY person not being on call that day, and hence, his only fucking duty was to take care of the main ward, but he didn't even check for blood results, and expects poor me to do it when I am covering the acute admissions unit. And before I could tell him off, he said "BECAUSE I GOT NO RESULTS, I HAVE ORDERED BLOOD TESTS FOR EVERY PATIENT ON THE WARD!"

It made me really angry. If the patient needs blood tests done, then fair enough that he/she has to get pricked by the needle. But when there is no need for further blood tests, why put through the patient through that misery? Why add on more workload to the other hospital staff for no reason? I think he bloody thinks it's fun and it'll look like he's doing something, when actually, I AM the one who ends up sorting out ALL the blood results for the patients in the entire ward, plus sign EVERY damn blood report that comes back. I am busy enough, and I see no point in adding on nonsensical stuffs to my workload.

I was too lazy to argue much with him despite me boiling and telling him that if it's not asked by the Consultant, there is no need to do extra stuffs, but instead of hearing me out, he insisted that he's right and totally refused to listen to any of my concerns, before storming out of the ward to tear up all my forms in another ward. I bet u he did that to take revenge on me!

I had no idea what went on in the main ward during my on call days, so I thought I'll look through the notes. And to my surprise, none of the jobs was done. It isn't the first time, and I started wondering what the fuck he did for those days. I asked him and guess what his reply was? "I am busy. I got a lot of things to do."....the best reason ever. But to me, that is UNACCEPTABLE because I am just as busy. All he had to do is to cover the main ward of stable patients, while I had to cover the acute admissions full of unstable patients.

Yes, I know he's busy...busy tearing up all my forms?!

Then I had concerns from the nurse about some abnormal blood results of a patient. This asshole insisted that he wants to send the patient home, but the nurses are not for it, so they came and ask me for my view. I personally wouldn't send that patient home because if she deteriorates, and the blood results get even more abnormal, she might end up being back in hospital as an emergency case soon.

When he heard that I wasn't for the patient to go home, he stormed into the ward again and told me he's sending the patient home no matter what I say. Good thing I have settled things with the family, and they had already left, so even despite whatever fucked up objections he's got, the patient is staying for one more night so that I can monitor her blood levels the next day. Brought my concerns up to my Registrar, and even she thinks that the patient shouldn't be sent home.

For all the things he did to me yesterday, I cannot take it lying down, and eventually did say things pretty direct, telling him off that he didn't even do his job, but instead, go to my wards to mess up all my forms, and I am actually helping him complete his work. And that bugger actually dared to say "TELL ME WHAT U DID FOR ME! LIKE WHAT?! SHOW ME!"

Sheesh, not even a "Thank you", but scream at me somemore. KNN!

Showed him the numerous blood forms I had to write up. And what he said after looking at those was the final straw. "WHY ARE U HERE? IT'S PAST 5 O'CLOCK. I CAN DO THEM MYSELF. U DON'T NEED TO BE HERE...U CAN GO HOME NOW!"

I think even if I'm a super tolerant person, I would storm off. Didn't say a word, but the look from my eyes could tell him that I am cursing him. Headed to the nurses' room for a cool drink, and I was almost at the verge of tears. I shouldn't have been that kind to him when I can go home 10 mins earlier, which is super rare for me.

Anyway, I did mention about this to one of the Sisters in the acute admissions ward, and she went to tell one of the more senior doctors, who came and have a word with me today. Honestly, I don't know if this problem is gonna be resolved. I want to be professional by not bearing any grudges on this asshole, but I don't think that is ever possible. No matter how well things go, a scar is being left, and it is one that I will not forget unfortunately. But I will make sure it will not put my patients' lives at stake.

And I will not tolerate any longer if he is being fucked up at the expense of my patients.

I can go on forever abt all that I'm unhappy about this idiot, but I think it's time for me to zzz too. Grr...so sianz..didn't even get to chat with Dearie tonight. He didn't sms me too. Wonder if he's too tired and dozed off, or he's mad at me for being home late again. It's almost 8am in Beijing now, but still no signs of him...sigh...

I had my first go at certifying a patient's death, because my Reg didn't want to do it.

It was quite scary going into a dark room, to find the patient lying lifeless on the bed. No one taught me how to certify a death, so I had to look it up from a book before seeing the patient.

The lady from the mortuary came up to the ward to look for me to fill in the death certificate. It's the 2nd death I've seen in 2 weeks, and both of which belongs to my team. As this patient was for cremation, I had to fill in another form, and will be paid 65 pounds for it.

It's extra income for me, and honestly, people will be happy to hear that they'll be paid for filling up a cremation form which takes less than 5 mins. I, too, was quite pleased to know that I've earned extra money for such an easy job, but thinking again, it sounds quite heartless to be happy about earning money from the dead.

I'm not sure if I'm right to not reject earning the pounds, but just to make myself feel better, I think I'll donate some to temple back home. Take it as I'm helping this patient do a good deed with the money his family will be paying me.

What u reckon? Does my plan sound ok?


Had to do blood gases on a patient today, and he was chatting non stop to me. Then he asked, "R u married?"....hmm...told him I've got a bf..and he started asking me when I plan to get married then....hahahaha. Sigh...not anytime soon definitely. We started talking a little about my bf, and when he knew my bf was Chinese, he was amazed for some strange reason, and was even more amazed when I told him I'm Chinese too..just not from China. It was an unexpected reaction I got because I think I look Chinese, unless he thought I'm Thai or something. Didn't ask me what nationality he thought I was though.

I guess patients and their family are quite surprised when they see me walking around with my stethoscope, indicating that I'm a doctor. It's not common to find a Chinese working as a doctor in Wales. A patient I attended to today asked if I'm from China. She made a few other guesses when I told her I'm not from China, but still got it wrong..haha. She started telling me about a good friend of hers who is from China, but was sent to the UK at a very young age because the Japanese were after her family during the Jap Occupation. Apparently, it was a sad case for her friend because the parents died after sending their daughter to the UK.

Finally my on call is over for the time being. Am so pleased about it :) Dearie dropped a message to say he'll msg me when he wakes up...hmm..wonder what time that's going to be....hmmm....I can't wait to tell him what happened today.



****Just did a crazy google search of my perverted ex's name, and guess what?! I found an article with his name on it, being arrested for having sex with a girl by threatening her with negatives. The description of this guy sounds like him, and if it's really him being thrown to jail, I think I should have a big celebration!******

Thanks Mr EJ!

I am thankful to this patient of mine, Mr EJ, for giving me the opportunity to have my first go at drawing out fluid from his lungs. I am feeling grateful because he knew that I have never been trained or taught how to do this, and it is not the nicest thing to do on someone either. Imagine having a needle pricked into your lungs....doesn't sound fun right?

I was excited, yet a little worried because it's my first time, and because it's going right into the lungs, I was worried that I will cause a disaster to befall him. I will start blaming myself horribly if that happened.

It was a sterile technique, so my seniors were only able to guide me by talking. They were not allowed to touch anything of my equipment too.

I had to percuss the chest to find the area of dullness, which will indicate the position of the fluid. It was then essential to find the rib near to it, and the needle has to go above the rib because if I were to go under the rib margin, I will hurt a nerve and a vessel that runs beneath it. I drew up some anaesthetic and straight into the spot I decided upon, after cleaning the area with antiseptic solution. Injected anaesthetic into the area after drawing back the syringe to make sure my needle isn't aimed into a blood vessel (u don't wanna end up numbing the entire body). I was amazed to know that even injecting anaesthetic required skill. You don't just put in the needle and inject everything in. The needle has to go into the surface, inject, wait a few seconds, then deeper in and inject again. This goes on until u have finished injecting all the anaesthetic you've drawn up. Then wait for the anaesthetic to work.

Meanwhile, my senior talked me through the 3 way tap so that when I perform the procedure, I will not fumble. When I was confident and ready to do it, I checked if the anaesthetic has worked by pricking the spot to see if he felt it. And when he was all ready, in went a new needle attached to the 3 way tap and syringe. I had to manouevre the needle within the lung to find the spot of the fluid (I actually could feel the needle touching the rib at times), and after a few moments, I found it! Out came straw coloured fluid. It was absolutely amazing!!!

And it was a chore getting the fluid out, because I actually drew out more than 600ml from a 20ml syringe. That's not the worst case...some patients have litres in them. Had to turn on and off the 3 way tap each time I insert and remove the syringe respectively because I didn't want the fluid to flow back. Had to immediate cover the wound with a gauze as I remove the needle too to prevent air from getting in and causing a pneumothorax (that will end up causing another needle to go into the lungs to release air).

Sent off some samples for lab testing, and I was proud and happy with myself for getting through it. An unforgettable experience indeed.

The fluid out of his chest will make him feel better, and that is the most important thing which is making me happy. It feels great making a difference to someone using my pair of hands.

Will check to see how he is tomorrow. Hopefully he is feeling better and hasn't deteriorated in the night. And not suffering greatly from any complications of having the procedure done, of course.



I think my fatigue is taking its toll on me. Working for 39 hours in 3 days is no joke. I was feeling extremely cold and shivering in my room after I came home today after work, and I did feel quite unwell. I guess perhaps I was having a fever, but didn't realise it. Was on the phone with Dearie when that happened, and because I felt so unwell, I cried. I miss him quite badly these days, and maybe I wasn't feeling well, so I felt worse. Wished he was here to give me some comfort and let me sleep on his shoulder/lap.

I'm still missing him a lot now. I can't help but keep asking him "When r u coming back? Can u be back earlier?" each time we chat. We haven't talked much these few days because of my on calls, and ffff..I'm on call again tmr!!!!! ARGH! Can't talk to him again. But anyway, I'm consoled by the fact that he made the effort to wait for me to finish work today to talk to him. It was a late night for him again because of my insane working hours. Sigh...

Looking forward to end of my on calls for the time being tmr...

Learnt new stuffs today. Not as in really detail, but just reminded me that these are things I should read and find out.

How to manage an acute MI....which unfortunately has been somewhat forgotten...
How to manage a patient with acute SOB...
What to do before pleasing the nurses by prescribing fluids to patients just because nurses ask for it...
Warfarin dosing...

The latter 2 are not that well taught in medical school, and it's on the job which allows u to learn. I'm glad that I managed to try and work out warfarin dosages today without seeking very much help from my seniors. I know this sounds mean, but I'm actually using my patients (those on warfarin) as guinea pigs by experimenting on their warfarin dosages. If after a few days, the figures look fine without drastic changes, then I think I might have understood the logic...or rather..somewhat understood.

Did a bit of research on a rare disease. So that's also something new which I learnt.

Also saw a CVP line being put in. Super cool since I've never seen one before, but it's quite bloody lah..not very much for those who can't stand bleeding.

I was fortunate enough to get to chat with Dearie for a good 30 mins. He was telling me all about his friend's flings, and honestly, I'm kinda worried about Dearie being in too much contact with him. Call me paranoid, but casual sex with uncountable partners poses a high risk of STDs, and I definitely don't wish for Dearie to be infected by whatever reason. I'm sure my darling's straight, so no way his friend is gonna have sex with him (hahahaha), but these diseases spread through blood..and that can also mean via open wounds. I actually told Dearie to be cautious...hahahaha...and that did scare him for a bit.

Good thing I'm not on call tmr despite having to start work earlier than usual. Can talk to Dearie after work...yipppeeeee!!!!!

It's a learning process

That's what I am going to use to console myself.

I'm still the baby of the medical team, and hence, there is a limit to what I know. I felt pretty down about this today, because I had to seek senior's opinion for the numerous times I was bleeped about prescribing medications. There are so many things which the nurses expect me to know and do, but unfortunately, the medical school didn't train us to that extent whereby we can just decide the drug dosages and make adjustments. Besides, we baby doctors have been warned by the Medical Director a few days ago to stay away from things we were not trained to do in medical school and seek help from our seniors instead.

But anyway, my senior taught me how to alter warfarin dosages today, so I managed to prescribe the dosages of that drug for some patients today. And I was briefly taught how to assess if a patient needs fluids. I'm still not confident at that yet, but will try and ask my seniors to teach me when possible.

I had moments of homesickness today. I miss Dearie as well. I guess it's partly due to fatigue since I have been working for 26 hours non-stop since yesterday, and feeling helpless despite being a doctor. There were a few times I had no idea what the diagnosis is for a patient. And it does pain me a little when I have to draw blood from the elderly patients. They're the really frail ones, but also one of the nicest around (some r grumpy though, but after coaxing them and chatting with them, they'll liven up and be nicer). I know how much they dread it when they need blood tests, and I'll always try my very best to make sure I am successful in taking their blood so that I'll not have to try again.

Had this lovely little old lady who had poor veins and the nurses and doctors think she's difficult to put a needle in. She was quite worked up when she knew I wanted to stick needles into her, but after much coaxing and chatting, she decided to let me have a go. I was making her tell me stories while I was putting the needle in, in attempt to try and create some distraction for her. It took me 2 attempts to succeed, but I was so relieved that I managed to put the line in. She told me it didn't hurt that much, and I hope she wasn't lying to make me feel happy.

Sigh...

Suddenly, I realise that I have so much things which I have to revise to refresh my memory. But sheesh, haven't even had much time to really relax, needless to say sit down and study. I am so wishing to go for a relaxing walk. Dearie said we'll spend a night in Cardiff when he comes back, and he'll cook me nice dinners. I'm definitely looking forward to that. I'll make him nice dinners too, since I can hardly go anywhere for dinner in this place I'm working. I've been so busy that I've yet to even explore the town!

Oh..Dearie has got his results for one of his exams. A high score of 94% for his OCP!!!! Isn't that impressive??!?!?! My jaws literally dropped when he announced it to me. I'm so proud of him!!! Hopefully this certification will get him a good job here in UK, then at least I'll get to see him more. I don't like being far away from when I'm already so used to having him close to me for some time.

Self-Reflection

I'm thankful that Dearie listened to me and gave me a lecture (I'm sure he didn't think it's a lecture, but it definitely didn't sound nice), because I think it's high time I do some self reflection.

His words were hurting, but maybe it's true. I care more about my patients than myself. And as a result, I end up being the only one who is suffering in silence.

I have been working my ass off from the moment I step into the ward till the minute I leave. Initially, I thought perhaps I'm being slow, so I make the extra effort to turn up early to sort things out so that I can finish early for the day, but no matter how early I turn up at the wards, I still go home late.

I kept blaming myself for being inefficient, and as a result, I cut short my lunch time and don't take any breaks. I ask myself every night if I have done a good job for the day while lying on my bed, and then wonder how else can I improve to make tomorrow a better day.

After the past few days at work, I feel that the reason to why I'm busy all the time is because I get thrown lots of stuffs by my colleagues, and it feels as if I'm the only one doing it. I'm not grumbling about having lots to do, because if I think it has to be done, it has to be done, and it doesn't matter who does it. My aim is just to make sure everything is in order for my patients. As a doctor, I have a duty of care for my patients. I was told to share my jobs with my senior if I am too busy, but instead of having help, my senior comes to me asking me to do this and do that, adding on more stuffs to my to-do-list.

Being in a team, I have the thinking that if I know my seniors have jobs which has got to be done, I should share it and help to finish. But at the end of the day, I found myself to be doing 95% of the job, and when all I did was to ask for a simple request to bleep another doctor, my senior refused to and started preaching to me, and I know going by his orders is not right. I ended up bleeping the doctor myself because I couldn't afford to take the risk of ignoring this particular patient's condition since if things were to go wrong with her at night, I'll have to account for my negligence. It's a life I am responsible for. How can I ignore it?

I spoke out my grievances to Dearie and he thinks I should split the job and do just mine. If my colleague doesn't finish his job, he can account for it himself the next day. In fact, that's what m aunt told me too, because they think it's not fair having me do everything and then my colleague gets the credit.

But it isn't the credit issue which I am most concerned about. I just want to provide the best care for my patients. I know I'm just a fresh grad, and there is a limit to what I can do for them, but I still want to do my best in however little way I can. Hence, I am doing almost everything without any complaints.

I can adopt the attitude of finishing jobs I have assigned myself to do, and not bother about whether my colleague has finished the jobs I have assigned him. But I keep thinking that my selfish attitude isn't going to benefit my patients, isn't going to benefit my team, and I think my colleague will be really pitiful if I leave him to finish all his jobs and knowing how slow he is, I reckon he'll go home very late every night. Hence, I tried to be a kind soul by helping, and ended up doing all the work at the end of the day.

"For all that you've done, do u think your patients know? Will they appreciate you?! And why r u so worried about your colleague finishing work late? Do you know him that well to be that concerned?" Dearie said.

True. My patients won't know and they might not appreciate it. And even if I work myself dead, and their stay in hospital isn't smooth, they will still be mad at me. I don't know my colleague well, but being colleagues, aren't we supposed to care for each other?

To me, I'm not that concerned about whether my patient appreciates me. When I chose to be a doctor, I wasn't expecting many patients to appreciate me. My aim is just to see them be well enough to go home. It brings me joy to see them leaving with their family.

Perhaps I was too concerned about getting my patients well, that's why I was a bit down yesterday when I had to go to the mortuary to fill up a death certificate for one of my patients. I know it's not my fault that he died because he was really ill, and we all knew he didn't have long to live. But his death still came as a shock to me. It was only the day before when I moved his arms to find a good vein to take blood from him, and have him opening his eyes to look at me. And the next morning, I was told that he died in the night.

Death comes as part of the job, and because this was my first patient who died, I felt slightly emotional. He hasn't been under my care for long, so no bond's been formed between us, but I know the family would be really sad, and somehow, I feel for them.

Been having a lot of heart-to-heart chat with my fellow HO, Samya, who was also my coursemate in Uni. I remember not liking her very much initially, but after starting work, I think I have changed my impression of her. She's the one who is giving me lots of emotional support, chatting with me every night before we go to sleep, telling me to call her if I need a listening ear, and cheering me on whenever I meet some problem at work. I feel really blessed to have known her. It isn't easy to find a friend u can talk to or looks for u to chat here in the UK, and I'm glad I've found one.

Right. Trying to stay positive again. Am on call tmr and the whole of the weekend...BAH! But nevermind, I know I will survive, and yes....it's a few days closer to Dearie's return, and few days closer to my return home.

I got a surprise call from someone today. Hmm..very "surprising" indeed. I was never expecting a call from this person, and neither was I wanting to be in touch with him.

Was in the ward when my Sg hp went off..

Me: Hello
Him: Hi Michelle. It's me.
Me: Who r u?
Him: Ben
Me: Ben? Who's Ben?
Him: Your friend? I talked to you quite some time back.
Me: Really? Sorry, I don't remember knowing any Bens.. Bye!

Then it suddenly struck me...I actually do know a few Bens..so as a courtesy, I sent a msg back to ask him for his surname.

And shit, it was the Ben which I so dread. My ex.

Apparently he just came back from the States (oh so he claimed) & happened to drive past my place, and he thought he'll ring me to see if I'm around and happy to have a meet up. Honestly, even if I'm in Sg, I'll NEVER ever want to see him again. I am still having a phobia with his pervertness, and the last I ever want is for him to get his hands on me.

We did communicate a little via sms today, and I'm sure I sounded rude in my msges. He claims that he do think about the past, while I just told him off that it's not worth remembering to me. Then he finally popped the question, "R u attached now?"

With that impression I have of him being a pervert, I was guessing he'll probably ask "Can he satisfy you?" if I were to tell him I'm attached (he did ask me that question before when I was attached to another guy after him), so just to cut things short, I told him I'm getting married soon. Muahaha...and then...he didn't reply anymore. Isn't that great?!

Dearie was pretty worked up when I told him about the surprise call...haha..and said he'll not let that guy off if he starts pestering me again. I don't know if Ben's still as sick, but anyway, I'm not intending to find out too. To me, he's sick before, and I rather think he's still sick now. Period.

Had a nice chat with Dearie today, which was a surprise, since I thought he'll be staying overnight at his friend's. Was really pleased to receive his sms this afternoon. And guess what?! I was back home from work earlier than usual, so I managed to catch up with Dearie!

I have no idea why Dearie is getting so serious now. He rattled on for hours about his plans of where to buy a house in Sg and in China, and even told me that he was viewing some furnitures today and have an idea of the type of interior decor he wants for our house. And then he went on telling me about the house lighting, how he has to plan to buy me a car if I migrate to China, wedding colour scheme, dinner venue, number of banquet tables etc etc.

It did get me a little excited, but to me, all that is going to happen a few years later. I see the point of us having to be serious about planning, yet I thought he sounded way too serious. And Dearie claims that this is the time to start planning seriously. He feels that it's almost time to settle down, now that we have more or less completed our education.

Everything was ok until the end when I thought he started sounding pretty stern for some reason. Have no idea why. Perhaps he's really thinking wayyyyyyy tooooo much now. Perhaps he's tired.

Oh well.

Will be looking forward to chatting again with him tmr.

Is this all about transition?

Now that I've graduated from Uni, it seems like apart from gaining experience and climbing up the medical hierachy, settling down is the only thing to look forward to.

Had a quarrel with Dearie on the phone just now. It was very upsetting, but at least things got fine before we hung up.

We were talking about marriage again, and Dearie said he's worried about many things...hence...he seems to have a bit of the "marriage phobia". I was disappointed upon hearing that. Just very recently, he was all excited about breaking the news to me that his Dad has consented to his plan to marrying me...and today, he's saying he's got a phobia. He's worried about not being able to buy a home for us in Singapore, worried about jobs etc...and I fully understand it. But for some strange reason, suddenly I felt like as if all these while, I am the only one who is all excited about it. To think I even felt so very much more energetic at work.

I don't know how to explain this weird feeling in me. It's not that I'm not confident that Dearie isn't going to marry me. I know he's serious about what he said, but somehow I still felt very "bie niu". It seems like as if....I'm desperate to marry him. Yes, even if that's true...I'm still a girl, and I have got my pride..I don't want it to seem as if I'm throwing myself at him (even if it really looks like I am).

"R u just having thoughts about how great the ceremony will be like, that's why u r wanting so much to get married?" he asked.

Of course not! I know that the ceremony is lovely, but that's not the reason to why I am hoping to get married.

The reason is simple. I just want to move on. I am sick of being in and out of a relationship. I just want to settle down with someone I love and keep it as that. I know this is not the best reason to wanting to get married, but being 25, I can't keep thinking that maybe someone better will come along. There will always be better guys out there, and if I were to keep thinking that I must find someone better, then there will never be an end to it. To me, Dearie is good enough and I'm satisfied with my current relationship. That is all isn't it?

I was pretty worked up when I told Dearie how much I hate to be changing bfs again and again. It has gotten to a point whereby I'm totally sick and tired of it...and all I want is to just stick with one and end it there. I don't want to undergo another break up. Getting in and out of relationships time and time again is tiring. That's a feeling Dearie won't have felt before, simply because I'm his 1st gf.

Also, I told Dearie something today which surprised him and made him laugh. I actually told him that I want to have a baby. This is something I thought I'll never say. Childbirth is painful, and I cannot foresee myself going through it. I am also afraid that I can't bring up my child well, that's why I am not for having one.

But now, I changed my mind. I was lying in bed one day thinking about it, and I think being able to have a child with Dearie is going to be one of the most beautiful things in my life. Dearie and I used to wonder how much more intimate can we get, and so far, it seems like sex is the most intimate contact any couple can get, but I think having a child is the most intimate thing that a couple can have....because the child will be created by me and Dearie, and every cell in him contains the genes of Dearie and me. The child belongs to only me and him, and this life is irreplaceable.

I remembered the dream I had before about me bearing Dearie a baby. The way Dearie smiled when he saw the baby, and how carefully he cuddled our little angel is unforgettable. I really want to see Dearie smiling that happily...and I am willing to go through all that pain for that. I want that dream of mine to become a reality.

My thoughts have changed so much and I can't help wondering if this is all part of growing up. Am I going into a transition from a girl into a woman?



Grrr...I'm gonna hate the whole of next week. Won't be able to talk to Dearie much because I'll be on call most of the week and will only be home really late, and Dearie has 2 exams next week too...so he'll need more rest. Trying to stay positive though...I'm sure the week will fly past before I know it.

"What are u doing this weekend?" asked my darling.

Sigh....seriously, I don't know. Seems like I'm the only one around this weekend (oh..maybe not..cos one of my flatmate is on call this weekend!). Darling suggested that I should go take a walk in Cardiff, but I rather not. I got pretty depressed on Monday when I was in Cardiff, that I just went back to my hotel after walking on the streets in 2 hours and refused to get out of the room for the rest of the day. Everywhere I go in Cardiff just reminds me of him, and I feel more lonely than ever now that I'll have to walk alone in the streets in Cardiff alone.

In fact, I was so busy that I haven't had much time to think about my weekend plans. I was supposed to sleep after watching a VCD last night, but I found myself waking up with my spectacles still on in the middle of the night. Was quite surprised by it, since I thought I must have taken off my specs before sleeping and I didn't even recall myself dozing off. Turned to look at my laptop, and realised that it's still on. So...looks like I actually fell asleep without even knowing. Dangerous manz...cos I could have woken up late for work this morning since I hadn't set my morning alarm.

Actually, all I want is to spend my weekend talking to Dearie, my family and friends. It makes me happy to know that I'm not on call this weekend, and that means I'll be able to stay in my room and chat early with them. But it saddens me a little to know that Dearie will be busy studying for his Oracle exams. He has fallen ill again too. I feel really sorry to keep him awake till quite late in the night to talk to me, but seriously, I don't get to leave the wards until quite late everyday since there r so many things for me to finish. He did mention that he can't take it anymore staying up for me, and I was quite sad when I heard that. Can't blame him though. I've tried really hard to finish up everything as early as I can, but I still find myself staying way past 5pm. Sigh.

Quite a few frustrations at work today. Don't really want to talk much about it. But thank goodness, I have some support from the nurses. It's amazing how "R u alright, my love?" and "Don't worry. We'll help you in any way we can." from the nurses bring me comfort. The hospital is in absolute chaos since everyone just started their jobs. But I think it'll all be well in no time. Crossing my fingers..

I think I've made quite a bit of improvement in writing up drug charts and blood forms. At least I can see myself completing them faster and faster now. Consoling myself that putting me through this is going to be good for me since it'll make me a more efficient worker in future.

Perhaps I can spend my weekend organising my patient list, and write up my job list for Monday. That, hopefully, will make my job easier and more organised on Monday, which will be extremely important since I'll be handling the wards plus be on call that day.

Good news!

Busy busy day today. Was having a hard time trying to finish all the jobs thrown at me, and chasing endless blood results. Doesn't help when I have just joined the team, and have not much idea about the patients. Hopefully things will get better with time. But at least, I am oh so happy that I'm getting a lot of support from my seniors, and from the lovely nurses. Am glad that the Sisters are nice to me too.

I made the effort to go in an hour early for work, just to make sure I know who my patients are before ward round. And the "Oh...someone's coming in really chirpy today!" from a nurse did make me smile first thing this morning. A great start at work indeed. If it's this great everyday, I'm sure I'll love working here in no time.

Managed to get my jobs done by 5.45pm today, and I happily ran back to my room to find Dearie online. Hearing his voice gave me so much comfort.

Had a little chat about how our day has been before he broke some good news to me. Apparently his dad had a very long chat with him about his future, and told him that he has absolutely no objections to Dearie wanting to marry me, but would be most happy if I'm willing to migrate to China...not as in now or straight after marriage, but when I think I'm qualified enough to get myself a good job in a foreign private hospital there. His relatives were all for us to tie the knot as well when they gathered around to ask about his future plans. Dearie said his mum and relatives like me very much, and often asks about me too. (On my side, my parents just adore Dearie soooo much, until my mum has been telling me to treasure my current relationship. Dad seems to think that we're probably gonna tie the knot in a few years' time and has been really concerned about my present relationship...always asking me if Dearie and I have chatted...and even encouraging me to send smses and call Dearie whenever I have time to spare.)

Dearie said he's so happy and pleased about it, and us getting married is set. And he went on discussing marriage plans with me......telling me how we'll now have to learn to tolerate and accomodate each other, work really hard to save $$$, how many children we'll have (he wants only one!) etc etc. He also told me that he'll make sure he'll leave me messages if we don't get to chat online, just so that I won't feel neglected or forgotten or start getting worried about him. It's funny how we got more and more excited talking about it.

He also told me that he's told his Dad that he's planning to come back to the UK and work here for a few years if possible. His dad wasn't too keen about him coming back in October, but to our surprise, he didn't even forbid Dearie at all! Instead, he just told him the pros and cons of working abroad, and told Dearie to think it over and make a decision for himself! How cool's that?!??!

Sheesh...this good news just spurs me on to work harder. It makes me really happy to know that Dearie's set to start planning our future, and we're both going to work hard together to make this all work out. I'm so excited!!!

Ok, gonna watch a VCD then head for a good night's sleep. I'm sure I'm gonna sleep really really well tonight...yup yup yup...I'll smile to sleep :)

Battle Day 2

BAH!

All alone doing stuffs in the wards today, apart from having my Registrar around teaching me some stuffs.

It was a great day despite being mega busy, and not finishing all my jobs until about 7pm. I am not expected to finish everything by myself today, but I thought I might as well do it so that my Consultants will be pleased tmr during ward round.

And yes, because of this, I missed the chance of chatting with Dearie online. I'm feeling so guilty now for keeping him waiting for more than an hour, especially for the fact that he's got heat stroke, and isn't feeling very well at all. Left him a sms though, so hopefully he'll be happy to see it when he wakes up later...something to keep him smiling throughout the day :)

Was told that when my seniors are back tmr, I will have more help, and will not have to finish so late. I'm praying really hard that I'll get to chat with him tmr.

I've been bombarded with tons and tons of information today by my Consultants, and being given quite a few random stuffs to do by the nurses, but I am happy in a way because it keeps me busy and stops me from thinking too much. I'm still trying very hard to feel less homesick and lovesick. And the day has ended quickly because of the numerous things I had to do! Great! One more day closer to pay day, and one more day closer to Dearie's arrival, and one more day closer to the end of my miserable days in UK!!!!

I'm socialising quite a bit too, despite still prefering to be cosy in my little room if I got a choice. But I think I should give myself a pat on the back for introducing myself to the nurses in my ward, remembering some faces (even though I still can't remember most of their names), and of course, joining my colleagues for Indian Takeaway this evening. I'm taking this opportunity to keep my mind busy, so that time can pass by faster. I'm glad that it is heading for the right direction cos at least my colleagues do bother to acknowledge my presence by even asking me to join them for dinner, and even to walk them to their car in the carpark. I really wish I'll make some friends here.

I'm sure tmr's gonna be a busy day, but I'm looking forward to it because it'll be "one more day closer to pay day, and one more day closer to....."...yeah...u got it. That actually keeps me going, and keeps me happy whenever I feel shitty here.

And oh yes, not on call this weekend!!!! So that's ONE MORE THING to look forward to....a relaxing weekend this week :)

Settling in

My first day at work started off with lots of paperwork and basically, an induction. Nothing much, which is kinda good since I'm not really into the working mood yet.



I'm still very much feeling home sick, and wishing to go home. And for the fact that Dearie isn't here just makes me feel worse. I dread myself for being so dependent on him. I knew I was losing my independent nature, but I didn't expect myself to be THIS dependent.



I miss him and my family so badly, and whenever I get a msg from Dad, my tears start rolling. Dad said it's all natural, and I'm gonna be fine, and I seriously hope he's right. But most importantly, I want Dearie to come back to the UK asap.



I'm pleased that I'm able to go online in my bedroom because it's the only way I can spend hrs chatting with my family, friends and him. Dearie and I made a deal to talk at least an hour to each other everyday, and I know my free phone minutes isn't gonna last me an entire mth, so the internet is a must if I want to speak to him for hours.



It was nice chatting with Jane today because instead of just pretending that I'm really happy here, I could just pour it all out and tell her how much I wish I'm back home and how much I miss Dearie. That's something I can never do with people I know in the UK. She was really sweet when she did this...





It made me feel slightly better.



I wonder how Dearie is now. I tried calling him, but his hp was off. I guess it probably ran out of battery, and again, I'm not sure which house he's sleeping in tonight. Sent him a msg though, so hopefully he'll get to see it after he charges his phone.

Realised that I'm always looking forward to the evening these few nights. It just makes me feel that another day is over, and I'm one day closer to seeing him and one day closer to going home. And sleeping just makes me feel better too, in a sense that I won't get to think too much. But it does feel weird sleeping alone now, when I've already gotten so used to having him sleep next to me. I miss his hugs and waking up to see him sound asleep next to me.



Am hoping that I'll get to chat online with him tmr. Specially bought a mic today because of that.

And not forgetting to pray hard that my day at work tmr will be a smooth one. I'm gonna be all alone in the ward to handle patients since my seniors will be having induction tmr....yikes!