Is this all about transition?

Now that I've graduated from Uni, it seems like apart from gaining experience and climbing up the medical hierachy, settling down is the only thing to look forward to.

Had a quarrel with Dearie on the phone just now. It was very upsetting, but at least things got fine before we hung up.

We were talking about marriage again, and Dearie said he's worried about many things...hence...he seems to have a bit of the "marriage phobia". I was disappointed upon hearing that. Just very recently, he was all excited about breaking the news to me that his Dad has consented to his plan to marrying me...and today, he's saying he's got a phobia. He's worried about not being able to buy a home for us in Singapore, worried about jobs etc...and I fully understand it. But for some strange reason, suddenly I felt like as if all these while, I am the only one who is all excited about it. To think I even felt so very much more energetic at work.

I don't know how to explain this weird feeling in me. It's not that I'm not confident that Dearie isn't going to marry me. I know he's serious about what he said, but somehow I still felt very "bie niu". It seems like as if....I'm desperate to marry him. Yes, even if that's true...I'm still a girl, and I have got my pride..I don't want it to seem as if I'm throwing myself at him (even if it really looks like I am).

"R u just having thoughts about how great the ceremony will be like, that's why u r wanting so much to get married?" he asked.

Of course not! I know that the ceremony is lovely, but that's not the reason to why I am hoping to get married.

The reason is simple. I just want to move on. I am sick of being in and out of a relationship. I just want to settle down with someone I love and keep it as that. I know this is not the best reason to wanting to get married, but being 25, I can't keep thinking that maybe someone better will come along. There will always be better guys out there, and if I were to keep thinking that I must find someone better, then there will never be an end to it. To me, Dearie is good enough and I'm satisfied with my current relationship. That is all isn't it?

I was pretty worked up when I told Dearie how much I hate to be changing bfs again and again. It has gotten to a point whereby I'm totally sick and tired of it...and all I want is to just stick with one and end it there. I don't want to undergo another break up. Getting in and out of relationships time and time again is tiring. That's a feeling Dearie won't have felt before, simply because I'm his 1st gf.

Also, I told Dearie something today which surprised him and made him laugh. I actually told him that I want to have a baby. This is something I thought I'll never say. Childbirth is painful, and I cannot foresee myself going through it. I am also afraid that I can't bring up my child well, that's why I am not for having one.

But now, I changed my mind. I was lying in bed one day thinking about it, and I think being able to have a child with Dearie is going to be one of the most beautiful things in my life. Dearie and I used to wonder how much more intimate can we get, and so far, it seems like sex is the most intimate contact any couple can get, but I think having a child is the most intimate thing that a couple can have....because the child will be created by me and Dearie, and every cell in him contains the genes of Dearie and me. The child belongs to only me and him, and this life is irreplaceable.

I remembered the dream I had before about me bearing Dearie a baby. The way Dearie smiled when he saw the baby, and how carefully he cuddled our little angel is unforgettable. I really want to see Dearie smiling that happily...and I am willing to go through all that pain for that. I want that dream of mine to become a reality.

My thoughts have changed so much and I can't help wondering if this is all part of growing up. Am I going into a transition from a girl into a woman?



Grrr...I'm gonna hate the whole of next week. Won't be able to talk to Dearie much because I'll be on call most of the week and will only be home really late, and Dearie has 2 exams next week too...so he'll need more rest. Trying to stay positive though...I'm sure the week will fly past before I know it.