Self-Reflection

I'm thankful that Dearie listened to me and gave me a lecture (I'm sure he didn't think it's a lecture, but it definitely didn't sound nice), because I think it's high time I do some self reflection.

His words were hurting, but maybe it's true. I care more about my patients than myself. And as a result, I end up being the only one who is suffering in silence.

I have been working my ass off from the moment I step into the ward till the minute I leave. Initially, I thought perhaps I'm being slow, so I make the extra effort to turn up early to sort things out so that I can finish early for the day, but no matter how early I turn up at the wards, I still go home late.

I kept blaming myself for being inefficient, and as a result, I cut short my lunch time and don't take any breaks. I ask myself every night if I have done a good job for the day while lying on my bed, and then wonder how else can I improve to make tomorrow a better day.

After the past few days at work, I feel that the reason to why I'm busy all the time is because I get thrown lots of stuffs by my colleagues, and it feels as if I'm the only one doing it. I'm not grumbling about having lots to do, because if I think it has to be done, it has to be done, and it doesn't matter who does it. My aim is just to make sure everything is in order for my patients. As a doctor, I have a duty of care for my patients. I was told to share my jobs with my senior if I am too busy, but instead of having help, my senior comes to me asking me to do this and do that, adding on more stuffs to my to-do-list.

Being in a team, I have the thinking that if I know my seniors have jobs which has got to be done, I should share it and help to finish. But at the end of the day, I found myself to be doing 95% of the job, and when all I did was to ask for a simple request to bleep another doctor, my senior refused to and started preaching to me, and I know going by his orders is not right. I ended up bleeping the doctor myself because I couldn't afford to take the risk of ignoring this particular patient's condition since if things were to go wrong with her at night, I'll have to account for my negligence. It's a life I am responsible for. How can I ignore it?

I spoke out my grievances to Dearie and he thinks I should split the job and do just mine. If my colleague doesn't finish his job, he can account for it himself the next day. In fact, that's what m aunt told me too, because they think it's not fair having me do everything and then my colleague gets the credit.

But it isn't the credit issue which I am most concerned about. I just want to provide the best care for my patients. I know I'm just a fresh grad, and there is a limit to what I can do for them, but I still want to do my best in however little way I can. Hence, I am doing almost everything without any complaints.

I can adopt the attitude of finishing jobs I have assigned myself to do, and not bother about whether my colleague has finished the jobs I have assigned him. But I keep thinking that my selfish attitude isn't going to benefit my patients, isn't going to benefit my team, and I think my colleague will be really pitiful if I leave him to finish all his jobs and knowing how slow he is, I reckon he'll go home very late every night. Hence, I tried to be a kind soul by helping, and ended up doing all the work at the end of the day.

"For all that you've done, do u think your patients know? Will they appreciate you?! And why r u so worried about your colleague finishing work late? Do you know him that well to be that concerned?" Dearie said.

True. My patients won't know and they might not appreciate it. And even if I work myself dead, and their stay in hospital isn't smooth, they will still be mad at me. I don't know my colleague well, but being colleagues, aren't we supposed to care for each other?

To me, I'm not that concerned about whether my patient appreciates me. When I chose to be a doctor, I wasn't expecting many patients to appreciate me. My aim is just to see them be well enough to go home. It brings me joy to see them leaving with their family.

Perhaps I was too concerned about getting my patients well, that's why I was a bit down yesterday when I had to go to the mortuary to fill up a death certificate for one of my patients. I know it's not my fault that he died because he was really ill, and we all knew he didn't have long to live. But his death still came as a shock to me. It was only the day before when I moved his arms to find a good vein to take blood from him, and have him opening his eyes to look at me. And the next morning, I was told that he died in the night.

Death comes as part of the job, and because this was my first patient who died, I felt slightly emotional. He hasn't been under my care for long, so no bond's been formed between us, but I know the family would be really sad, and somehow, I feel for them.

Been having a lot of heart-to-heart chat with my fellow HO, Samya, who was also my coursemate in Uni. I remember not liking her very much initially, but after starting work, I think I have changed my impression of her. She's the one who is giving me lots of emotional support, chatting with me every night before we go to sleep, telling me to call her if I need a listening ear, and cheering me on whenever I meet some problem at work. I feel really blessed to have known her. It isn't easy to find a friend u can talk to or looks for u to chat here in the UK, and I'm glad I've found one.

Right. Trying to stay positive again. Am on call tmr and the whole of the weekend...BAH! But nevermind, I know I will survive, and yes....it's a few days closer to Dearie's return, and few days closer to my return home.