I must have disappointed Dearie for throwing tantrums again. There were quite a lot of moments of silence when we were chatting online.
I miss him so much everyday and have tried hard to stay positive counting down the days of his return. I naively thought of it as being 2 months, and am so happy that a few weeks have gone now, and soon it'll be September. But reality hit me quite hard when I realised that it's most likely gonna be the END of October when he comes back. GREAT....so after all that days of counting, thinking that it's less than 2 months now, it's ACTUALLY SLIGHTLY MORE THAN 2 MORE MONTHS TO GO...-.-
I know it doesn't make a huge difference, but in boring UK, it does make a difference to me. It's no wonder why quite a number of foreigners here 2 or 3 time when they're studying. Apart from having support from someone u like, there is nothing else to look forward to.
Dearie is still as excited about our future. He thinks it makes him more motivated with his life, now that he has a goal to work towards to. I admit that I was excited initially, but I kinda lost that excitement already. It's not that I don't want to marry him, but it somewhat seem pointless of me being all hyped up when it's not gonna be anytime soon....it's years later we're talking about.
I know he has tried to be there for me even though we're in different lands, but in a way, I can see myself pulling away a little. I still look forward to chatting with him daily, but it's not something that I makes me feel as excited as before. There hasn't been any change in the way I feel towards him, and I cannot explain why I'm feeling this way.
Maybe our thoughts of this relationship is different. To him, we've made progress. To me, we haven't made any despite being told that we've got approval from his parents.
Perhaps I've kinda grown sick of the thought that even if I feel really shitty at the end of the day, the only comfort I get is from myself even though he listens. I know he's more than willing to listen, but honestly, all I want is just a hug, and because he's not here, I end up hugging my pillow and hide under my duvet for comfort.
I lost my appetite for meals too. Lunch is the only decent meal I eat everyday now. Dinner used to be my favourite time of the day, and I always get excited about where I'm going to eat with Dearie. But now that he's not around, I'm not motivated to eat anything at all. I get really hungry, and I find myself eating bananas and biscuits instead.
I guess it has gotten to a point whereby I'm starting to get frustrated. I blamed him for not being here when I need him badly, even though I know that he's in China now because he wants to take exams at a cheaper price and get the OCP cert to find a job here. He said he wished he's back in UK to accompany me now, but I just couldn't take it in. All I did was grumble and blaming him for my misery.
I miss the days whereby I'll dine with him in restaurants in Cardiff, and for some strange reason, I'm actually missing the food there. He said I can go there tmr to eat if I want, and I know I can, but the thought of me eating alone in Cardiff sucks. Things don't feel the same anymore, and I only feel ever more miserable and upset.
Dearie said maybe he won't be able to talk to me tmr, and that made me feel worse. I understand that he hasn't been staying at his Dad's for some time, and he tends to stay more at his Mum's because he can go online to talk to me. That isn't making his Dad very pleased unfortunately. I guess perhaps my mood is pretty fucked up today, so I got pretty unreasonable by being upset about why he has so many houses to go to, and why can't he just stay put in one house and that's it. Good thing I didn't say it out, or else that will really hurt him a lot, since it'll look like as if I mind his background.
I should apologise, but I'm too frustrated to do so now. Pissed off about being alone here.Pissed off that it's the weekend (which I was so looking forward to, but now I completely lost my mood). Pissed off that I don't have enough credit on my stupid calling card. Basically, pissed about everything for some strange reason.
Maybe it's me PMS-ing.
I miss him so much everyday and have tried hard to stay positive counting down the days of his return. I naively thought of it as being 2 months, and am so happy that a few weeks have gone now, and soon it'll be September. But reality hit me quite hard when I realised that it's most likely gonna be the END of October when he comes back. GREAT....so after all that days of counting, thinking that it's less than 2 months now, it's ACTUALLY SLIGHTLY MORE THAN 2 MORE MONTHS TO GO...-.-
I know it doesn't make a huge difference, but in boring UK, it does make a difference to me. It's no wonder why quite a number of foreigners here 2 or 3 time when they're studying. Apart from having support from someone u like, there is nothing else to look forward to.
Dearie is still as excited about our future. He thinks it makes him more motivated with his life, now that he has a goal to work towards to. I admit that I was excited initially, but I kinda lost that excitement already. It's not that I don't want to marry him, but it somewhat seem pointless of me being all hyped up when it's not gonna be anytime soon....it's years later we're talking about.
I know he has tried to be there for me even though we're in different lands, but in a way, I can see myself pulling away a little. I still look forward to chatting with him daily, but it's not something that I makes me feel as excited as before. There hasn't been any change in the way I feel towards him, and I cannot explain why I'm feeling this way.
Maybe our thoughts of this relationship is different. To him, we've made progress. To me, we haven't made any despite being told that we've got approval from his parents.
Perhaps I've kinda grown sick of the thought that even if I feel really shitty at the end of the day, the only comfort I get is from myself even though he listens. I know he's more than willing to listen, but honestly, all I want is just a hug, and because he's not here, I end up hugging my pillow and hide under my duvet for comfort.
I lost my appetite for meals too. Lunch is the only decent meal I eat everyday now. Dinner used to be my favourite time of the day, and I always get excited about where I'm going to eat with Dearie. But now that he's not around, I'm not motivated to eat anything at all. I get really hungry, and I find myself eating bananas and biscuits instead.
I guess it has gotten to a point whereby I'm starting to get frustrated. I blamed him for not being here when I need him badly, even though I know that he's in China now because he wants to take exams at a cheaper price and get the OCP cert to find a job here. He said he wished he's back in UK to accompany me now, but I just couldn't take it in. All I did was grumble and blaming him for my misery.
I miss the days whereby I'll dine with him in restaurants in Cardiff, and for some strange reason, I'm actually missing the food there. He said I can go there tmr to eat if I want, and I know I can, but the thought of me eating alone in Cardiff sucks. Things don't feel the same anymore, and I only feel ever more miserable and upset.
Dearie said maybe he won't be able to talk to me tmr, and that made me feel worse. I understand that he hasn't been staying at his Dad's for some time, and he tends to stay more at his Mum's because he can go online to talk to me. That isn't making his Dad very pleased unfortunately. I guess perhaps my mood is pretty fucked up today, so I got pretty unreasonable by being upset about why he has so many houses to go to, and why can't he just stay put in one house and that's it. Good thing I didn't say it out, or else that will really hurt him a lot, since it'll look like as if I mind his background.
I should apologise, but I'm too frustrated to do so now. Pissed off about being alone here.Pissed off that it's the weekend (which I was so looking forward to, but now I completely lost my mood). Pissed off that I don't have enough credit on my stupid calling card. Basically, pissed about everything for some strange reason.
Maybe it's me PMS-ing.
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