Disappointed with my Mum

I totally am disgusted by my chat with Mum last night. I was on the verge of slamming down the phone, and even though it cooled down later in the chat, I still went to bed feeling pissed off and still feeling a little now. And I was hurt.

Why can't someone just admit that she's bias?! What is so wrong abt admitting something when all the evidence is thrown right into your face? There's nothing wrong abt being bias, but what is so difficult abt admitting it? Even if it's a fault, is 'Sorry' such a difficult word to say? Even if you don't wish to say 'Sorry', can't u just at least acknowledge the fact that u're bias?

I'm hurt..very hurt, because of what my Mum scolded me. "Don't talk like a heartless person will u?!?!??!?!?" yelled Mum. Of all ppl, it had to be Mum saying that word. Yes, I said something crude to her, but I am just stating a fact. And I do not think I'm wrong because it's sooooo obvious. I shouldn't feel hurt actually, cos I didn't say anything wrong (despite it being harsh)....but I don't know why I am. Maybe because it was Mum who yelled at me so loudly over someone.

How she defended herself, I can fully understand, but the fact which I dread and feel worked up abt is why is that person she's talking abt always right? Why am I said to be wrong when for a darn fact, I'm not?

I know I'm gonna sound childish now, but I can feel that my mum's so protective over my cousin...I don't even get that much protection. Why does my cousin have the benefit of being understood when she's confused abt her life choices? Why, when it's me, I get scolded for being indecisive and confused? Why am I always seen old enough to solve everything myself, when she's forever a child to her? I didn't get any of that at that age. Yes, I did have a time when I was at cross junctions in life, but when did she calmly talk to me and give me proper advice? I would be thankful if she didn't made me feel worse to the extent of walking out of the house.

It's shocking what I said to her last night. I know what I said will hurt my cousin, and my late uncle, but how about can I put it in a nicer way?

"Look. Why do u have to always be so protective over her? I realise u've been extremely bias towards her ever since Uncle passed away yrs ago. What's the big deal abt her losing her Dad when she's young? Does that mean the whole world owes her a living? She's not the only one who lost a father in this world. Does that mean that those who did deserves more attention from everyone else in this world? Does that mean the whole world have to show nothing but pity towards them?"

I understand that family support towards her is needed, but family support out of pity is wrong! I have never once throw tantrums if my parents want to do something for my cousin or want me to do something for her..and I have been very supportive of them showing care and concern towards her too. But this is gradually getting out of hand over the years. If someone loses his/her parent, instead of seeing it as a sign for a demand for more family support, why can't it be a sign telling him/her to learn to be strong and more independent than before?

Mum said I won't understand because I'm not in my cousin's shoes. In my entire email, I'm not pointing my finger and saying my cousin's a spoilt brat who needs attention. She isn't like that. It's Mum whom I'm fed up with. And it's not because I don't understand. But I'm sure anyone in my cousin's position who is mature enough will not want ppl to help him/her OUT OF PITY. If my cousin's at a young age of 5, I will not say anything...I'll give her more attention like how Mum did. But when she's at an age of 19, things r gonna be different isn't it? "Oh..come on..she's only 19"..that's what others might say. Then can I supposedly ask around, can u think back of how you were when u were 19? Do people still make decisions for u, or u making it yourself? It's not me wanting to prove that I was independent at a younger age, but to prove a fact that I'm not the only one having to make decisions in life myself....most of my friends did the same thing too...some being in a worst position than I am because their parents aren't well educated. And yes, I do have a friend who lost her Dad when she was in Uni...and she still lives her life well like any others on the street...in fact..I salute her for being strong to end up having to support herself thru her final phase of education and even her family. What support did she have?

Because of the way my Mum is behaving, I am feeling more and more pissed off with not just her, but my cousin as well. My cousin is totally innocent in this case and there was no reason why I should be mad at her (apart from some issues I can't understand and absolutely illogical to me), but whenever I talk to her, it reminds me of my mum's ever defensiveness..and naturally an uncomfortable feeling builds up in me. I can't understand...I'm not jealous abt the fact that I seem to be 'losing' my Mum..but there is just something in me which makes me so tempted to go "Can u just be more independent and know your goals? U're not young anymore ya noe?". I don't wish to hurt her, and am trying very hard to curb myself from saying this or snapping at her...and sad to say, I do hold back at times on account of my late Uncle. Isn't that absolutely frustrating? Just when I'm saying "Hey, wat makes u different frm the rest?!"...I'm now saying I'm holding back cos of my Uncle.

I hate for this to happen. I don't have an extremely close tie with this cousin of mine, but neither do I ever expect a strain between our rship. I'm sure Uncle will be very disappointed with me...afterall, he has never done anything to hurt me and was even so proud tt I got into med sch that he went around telling everyone he knew when he was alive. Now that he's gone, I should be repaying him by being nicer to my cousin. However, as much as I would love to, I can't bring myself to talk to her as comfortably as before now. I can't be myself when I talk to her now. There's just something unexplainable which is hindering me to do so..and I am feeling very sad because she's my cousin.

I know she finds it difficult to talk to me too..because she thinks I'm not the best person to speak to (maybe because I'm so strict). Granny doesn't think I'm someone to talk to either (she thinks I'm mysterious). I know all that but I just kindly ignore it. Knowing how I'm like, I won't go defend myself and convince ppl that I'm not the way they think I am. But I'm sure I'm not a selfish person who doesn't talk because I don't wish to share my views or give advice when needed. And now with all this going on because of Mum's protectiveness....I'm sure I'll look even more unapproachable in future because of the "strain". Mum will never understand if I tell her that her behaviour's causing it. She never understands how I feel or think anyway....never did...and I am dead disappointed with her.

Is this part of life?

Kelvin: Don't you think u need a life partner?
Michelle: Is it that important? Is there really such a need?

Most around me, and I know him for sure, will tell me it's all part of life. Some day, a guy and a girl will get tgt, and hopefully have a fairytale ending.

To be honest, I don't know if a life partner is impt. I don't even know if there's such a need..even not now, but in future. I might say it straight to anyone who ask me that question that it's NOT impt, and neither is there a need, but the truth is...I'm not 100% sure. Perhaps, there isn't a need. Perhaps, I never needed anyone. Perhaps, the right one hasn't appeared. Or perhaps, maybe there isn't a right one in the 1st place! *shrugs*

My parents never told me it is impt, or is there a need, or is it all part of life. I just know they rather I stay this way for a long time...even forever. Why them being different is what I don't understand too.

My chat with Kelvin is so much more comfortable today. At least I felt there was no pretense this time round. And I could open myself up better.

I managed to say more than I normally would. I discovered many things; something abt me which I never knew abt, and many things/actions which I couldn't explain and didn't know why either.

"You've always been a busy little bee. Ever since the first day I knew u till today, u're still the busy bee. That's something special abt u...always finding something to do so tt u'll be busy."

Really?

I told him why I had to be busy. I wasn't expecting him to understand anything that I was saying though. And when he got me thinking abt the life partner issue, I started wondering if I'll ever be in one which can last that long...and what it would be like. I can't imagine it at all. It just sounds scary to me.

How can I bring myself to trust someone? How will I know what's real and what's not? Many times, what I thought was real never turned out to be..till I have lost my confidence to differentiate, and to put my faith and trust onto anybody.

With this thought, how am I gonna accept someone into my life without hurting him? No matter how understanding the other person is, any human being will be hurt when he/she knows that the trust isn't a 100%. "Don't hurt someone the way you don't wish to be hurt"...something I read from somewhere before. I don't like anyone doubting me, so why would I choose to doubt another? And if I do trust someone, what if...what if...my trust is betrayed once again? I'm afraid. Probably that's why I don't want anyone near me. And my being super crude to anyone who attempts to take a step closer.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm better off being alone. Maybe that was why my parents never ever wanted me to even have a single rship to start...cos then, I wouldn't know these things...and I wouldn't wonder...wouldn't query...wouldn't bother either, and believing that being alone is the only normal and right thing to do. Like what Dad say, "A blind man is a happy man".

Sweet dream

I had a dream last night. It was a happy one. It didn't last the whole night, and I got up suddenly with a smile on my face in the middle of the night.

I dreamt of someone. I can't remember every detail, but I know I was extremely happy and feeling so fortunate in it. It isn't the first time I dreamt of him. However, it's the 1st time I felt really happy with him being in my dream.

To those who have an idea who he is, don't worry. I'm not sad that it's all a dream. :) I was thankful for the sweet dream anyway. At least it gave me joy and happiness for that short duration. I haven't had a happy dream for a long time.

Finally finished ALL my revision planned for yesterday and today! *cheers* Did some extra reading up for History Taking as well, which is pretty useful.

Last day of GP placement tomorrow. Then I'll be going on to boring Rheumatology & Orthopaedics for a week..bleah. I quite like fracture clinic because I get to see X-rays..er..ok..I know ppl will think I'm mad whenever I mention "I like to see X rays" when they ask me how's R&O. But hey, that's in fact the most interesting thing to see because you see lots of fractures, and feels so shiok when you can point out where the fracture is. It's almost like playing "Spot the Difference". I mean..apart from that..what else is there to be excited of? R&O cases are usually 98% frail elderly with hip replacements, knee replacements, osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.

But apart from fracture X-rays, I do not have an obsession with any other X-rays..and definitely I don't like seeing CT scans and MRI (but I have to appreciate them at some stage) since they're very useful and important imaging investigations.

Tolerate a while more, & it'll be over :)

I'm seriously trying very hard to overcome my tiredness, but it's going beyond control. Waking up before 7 every morning is a chore since I don't go to bed very early every night, despite the hours being much much earlier than my usuals.

And the weather isn't helping too. Been pouring today, and pretty cold these few days...hence, the feeling of wanting to hide under my duvet.

I can start counting down to my exam. I wrote up one of my final revision plan, and am struggling to keep up with it. Nope, I'm not giving myself much pressure at all, and I think the amount I have to revise each day isn't much, BUT my tiredness is such a pain...it's making revision such a chore for me since the thing I want most is just to collapse on my bed and sleeeeeeeeepppppp....

Then again, it's so contradicting when I say I am desperate for sleep, cos when I get the opportunity to do so, I tend to force myself to stay up to do things I like or to study! And then I'll be super tired again, and the cycle goes on forever. Sigh... Oh..I was having some silly thoughts while in the bus this evening, and started calculating the hours in life we 'wasted' due to sleep..haha. Supposedly we sleep 8 hrs/day, when we reach 30 yrs old, we actually 'wasted' 10 yrs of our life sleeping! 10 YEARS!!!! My oh my.

I'm lagging behind my revision plan..haha. Looks like I will have to cram the remains of today by the end of lunch time tomorrow.

Shall go read a non-medical book now before I shoo off to bed. Long day tmr again, I think. I'm craving for some baby pampering from my parents e.g. having all kinds of food I want, cook my meals for me (I'm having takeaways everyday now...), comfy transportation, weekend shopping, watching TCS dramas tgt.

I'm not missing home lah...just the sudden crave of wanting to be a big baby..hehe.. :P

U got a bad memory or what?

Sometimes I wonder if ppl ask u certain questions time and time again when they see u because:
1. They got a freaking bad memory..hence, can't rem your answer
2. They weren't even listening to your reply in the 1st place
3. They got nothing else to ask, but still want to talk (acceptable, but damn irritating unless I like that person..muahahahaha..oooopppppssssss)
4. They ask any walking human being that till it shoots out before it goes through their brain

Let me list the most common questions I encounter:
1. How's the weather?
2. Have you eaten your bfast/lunch/dinner/supper? (And sometimes some insane ppl even ask me if I have eaten dinner when it can be 10am in the morning...i can understand that though..time difference..lol)
3. When you coming back to Singapore?
4. Why you haven't sleep?
5. What time is it now?

Thanks people for asking me all that. I really appreciate it (not being sarcastic), and I do feel touched when my friends ask me these. But I think I'll be damn irritated if you ask me the same question again and again and again (number of chats = number of "same question", plus in the same order somemore each time).

Got damn irritated for a few minutes just a while ago because this particular person has been asking me the same question OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Everytime he msges me, it'll be "When you coming back?". I think I have answered him for like 30 times! AND he is still asking me the same question today! Pardon me, but I'm wondering if this person is having an extremely severe memory disorder. How many times do I have to repeat to get it through his head?

Yeah yeah..I know this person's got an upcoming concert and excited to know if I'll be around to watch it..but hello...can you NOT make me repeat my answer sooooooooo many times?! If I give u a brief timing, just take it as that ok? If I remember the date (or am dying to tell u so much so that I will put in the effort to dig into my luggage to find my air ticket), I will definitely tell u no? And if I know that I'll definitely be back by then to attend your concert, I WILL GO...so don't keep pressing me! Plus if I actually do show signs of being IRRITATED with you, do yourself and me a favour by stop bombarding me with further senseless/meaningless questions, and talk about something else instead if you have anything else to talk abt.

And I do dread ppl going speechless WHEN they initiate a chat first. I mean..don't you msg someone only when u have something to say? Or when u wanna talk to a person? Don't have to be much..but at least don't go all dumb after saying hi or after one miserable lame and stupid question of "How's the weather?"

Apparently, I get friends who msg me "Hi" and then go offline. Damn lame! Then you get those who goes "Hi" and when u reply them, they start giving u one word answers, sounding sooooo uninterested or compelled to reply. And when you ask them why they r giving one word answers, they tell u "Short and sweet".

MY FOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I can stuck a HongKong foot into the person's mouth (I don't have one..so don't let your mind wander and think if the HK foot is mine). Don't give this excuse pls....it makes you sound utterly dumb instead of being a person with attitude.

I reckon after this entry, more ppl will think twice abt msging me..haha. Feel free to msg me (I mean it), but pwwwweeeeeeaaaasssseeeee don't:
1. Act stupid in front of me. I'll accept it if you're really stupid, and I mean REALLLLLLLYYYY stupid.
2. Suffer from severe memory disorder BECAUSE I hate to repeat myself 30 times (once or twice is ok..)
3. Don't ask the obvious like "Are u alive?" (Is there any chance u might be talking to a ghost on the other end?)
4. Don't flood the whole msg window with my meal questions like have I had my meal, then going on to what I had, what I normally cook, what I like to eat, when I'm going to the supermarket (why? u wanna help me carry my groceries? if u want to be useful, buy me a car pls. or get ur ass down to Cardiff.), do i actually eat (no, i don't. *rolls eyes* will i be blogging if i didn't eat? use ur brain pls. i hate cooking for myself though), what detergent i use to wash my plates (luckily no one ask me this yet).

Yes, u probably notice..I get less patient with such ppl in my life. Who wouldn't?!

What a deal manz..

This is one thing which I'll never forget forever when I leave Ely at the end of this week. My experience with Dr Jenkins..haha.

It's really funny how "teaching sessions" are planned. Being a student, I'm supposed to learn during attachments, but this GP placement is slightly different. "Let's make a deal ok? I'll teach you things, but for each thing I teach u, you have to give me a cooking recipe or a useful cooking tip. Deal?" said Dr Jenkins.

My reaction? Eyes wide open, shocked and stunned for a minute. Gosh, suddenly I've became a walking cookbook. And he told people in the Clinic that too..

When Mum heard abt this, she was laughing. Michelle, a walking cookbook? Very unimaginable hor? I'm not a great cook to begin with, in fact, I only started cooking when I came to UK years ago because I can't end up starving throughout my undergrad studies.

Dr Jenkins was very keen to dig recipes out of me because he's got a strong interest in cooking (manz...of all things...but impressive for a guy), and because I'm Chinese, the more interested he got. I reckon he thought that Chinese are excellent cooks, and when he knew I am from Singapore, he started asking me about the type of food we eat back home...AND for recipes.

He made this teaching-recipe deal with me this morning, so the whole morning, I was cracking my brain for recipes and tips when the patients were not around yet. I think I actually came up with 5 tips and recipes just in one morning. And I still owe him one more.

Was telling him about the traditional way of making Hainanese Chicken Rice this morning, and because I remember I've got a mix in the house, I told him I'll bring one for him so that he'll know how it tastes like. The traditional way is so much more troublesome and time-consuming.

Came home, did my revision, and I started surfing around for more recipes..haha. Decided to give a go at desserts and our famous Singapore Sling (ha! that should do the trick for angmos).

There are loads of recipes I can think of..but it's not easy to find all the ingredients here in UK. Hence, there really isn't a point to tell him all the marvellous stuffs we have back home when he can't even try cooking it himself.

If only he would just come over to Singapore with his family...then I can bring them around to feast like crazy. It'll be so much better than just describing the food (should I be mean by printing all the pictures and let him drool? lol..). I bet they'll be shocked with the price of food too. Dirt cheap when converted to pounds.

Suddenly..I'm thinking abt food in Sg...yum yum... :P

My weekend

Another week over, meaning 1 more week closer to my major exam.

For some strange reason, I am feeling very very very calm abt it. And because of this, I have been a little stress. I shouldn't be this calm, knowing what kind of person I am, and for the fact tt this exam is soooo crucial. It can either make me a really happy person during summer, or totally depressed. It might not be as crucial as Finals in 5th yr, but still...it's gonna determine my fate in a way. I juz wish everything will go smooth for me..

I didn't do a lot of revision. Saturday was wasted because I just wasn't in the mood to revise. Did some revision today, but not much.Kelvin and I spent quite some time chatting today. It's odd how we started talking again. Haven't chatted with him for ages..only occasional smses.

Kelvin is someone I've been very close to for quite some time, and when we last met 2 yrs ago, there was still a sense of strange mutual closeness. But somehow, this time, I think the closeness feeling isn't as strong anymore. I felt a "distance", felt there were many thing being unsaid, many hesitations etc. Felt as if we were both trying to "read" each other to the deepest extent. Thinking abt it, it's similar to when we met again 2 yrs ago. It was pretty uncomfy and fake initially too, until we decided to throw all the pretense aside. I think we will both feel more comfy if we were honest again this time, but for some reasons, I won't go "Can we stop being fake?" anymore.

Today, we started talking abt the old days and it's amazing how we actually remember these things. It's been 5 yrs! I wasn't expecting him to remember much, and I bet he wasn't expecting me to remember anything either. But oh boy were we shocked to find out that we still kept the old photos, the T-shirt, the cards etc. I thought he would have thrown them all away when he moved house. I wonder if he kept the fighter plane model I spent the entire night fixing (my heart will ache manz if he threw it away...it was my first attempt and I put in so much effort to make it). I was also shocked when he mentioned about the 1st photo we took together during the 1st time we met and everything on tt day! If only events of tt day was all filmed down, I'm sure I wouldn't mind watching and have a big laugh over it now.

Despite this, I can really feel that things have changed soooo much. I can't say I'm happy abt the changes, but I won't get all sad over it either. I shall tell myself tt 4 yrs ago, the decision made was for the best of both parties. Till today, I don't know if he thinks it's the best decision. His eyes and voice betrayed him 2 years ago..and something is still telling me that there's a tinge of sadness even though he's supposed to be a happy person leading a new life with someone else. I shall not probe though, cos I think it's useless even if I know the answer.

Call me selfish, insensitive and cruel, but I shall just take it and make myself believe that we're both leading happier lives now. As to being "fake"...let it be too. I don't want to be accused of being a 3rd party for no reason again.

2nd Episode of 'Clowns'

Oh manz..I did it again. Clown for the 2nd time! It could have got worse, but nevertheless, it's still....erm...clowny.

Shall I give the excuse that my brain isn't functioning at its normal rate today? Hehhe..

This morning, I screwed up my sense of direction. Right became left, and left became right.

Doc: Michelle, supposedly this patient came in with epigastric abdominal pain (the upper central region), which also occurred in the upper right side of the abdomen, what will u be thinking of?

Me: I will consider pathology in the descending (!!!!)/transverse colon, small intestines, spleen (!!!), pancreas and the stomach.

Doc: Be aware that it's the right side. You're not wrong by giving those answers, but there is something you missed out.

Me: *ponders...and wondering if I should say kidney which doesn't sound logical*

Doc: It's the liver and gallbladder. You forgot about that organ. That organ's in the right side.

Me: OH DEAR! SORRY!!!!! I got my directions the other way round today...oh my. *blushes*

Doc: Hhahahaa...yeah..I knew u were having problems with left and right today...hahahaha..remember the liver's on the right ok? I was wondering why u mentioned everything on the other side instead. Hhahaha..

Me: Oopps..sorry..

Does that sound familiar? You bet. Remember that insane GP referral abt querying patient having gallstones when the patient's having pain on the left side? Manz...I feel like dying....will someone pls kill me now? *bangs head on the wall*

If you think that's not funny enough...here's another which can send u luffing urself crazy.

I suddenly had this urge to just hop into the cinema for a film, and since I was in the city today, I shall just do it! Since dunno how many weeks ago, UK's 7 hrs behind Sg time (instead of the usual 8 during Winter mths). But being lazy me, I didn't bother to tune my watch. Instead, what I do is add 1 hr to the time shown on my watch to know the right timing. :P

Finally, this laziness of mine brought me nothing but embarassment today. I was practically hiding my face under my jacket.

On my watch showed 3pm, and I happily went to check out the cinema times for any shows that starts at 3. Decided to catch "My Wedding Date". Bought the ticket and gleefully went to the foyer. The lady in charge then asked to see my tickets. Showed it to her, and noticed that the tix for the 5.15pm show..

Me: Oh! I think the man downstairs gave me the wrong ticket. I wanted to watch the 3pm one, not the 5.15pm one. Can I go in now?

Lady: You mean you prefer watching the 3pm show?

Me: Yeah..

Lady: Sure!

I was all smiles when I went to find the room. Then when I went in, I was wondering to myself why it's dark. Trailers here are usually screened for the first 20 mins, and I was confident I wasn't late. And I thought it was odd that the show started already. Noticed the ppl were looking at me when I walked in too.

I went to find a seat and sat down comfortably, feeling so pleased with myself. Then I realised that I forgot that my watch is showing the wrong time. I was actually late for the show by 1 hr! I started whining silently to myself, and started hiding my face under my jacket. I was also "sinking" in my seat.

And I only managed to catch the last 40 mins of the movie. How's that? Very funny right?

When the movie ended, I could have been the first to siam, but I wanted to stay to listen to the music, so I "sank" lower and lower in my seat while others started to leave. I kept hiding my face away too...hoping that no one can see me. I wished I was invisible for once...yikes..

I was still whining to myself when I was walking home from the city. Ok, the situation could have got worse. Imagine me going in with my smile, holding popcorns and a drink, and just as I was abt to take my seat, the movie ends and the light comes on..... *smacks forehead*

Oei! Tor long lah...dun sing now can?

Wah liew...qi si ren le. Here I am trying to sleep, and I can't get to sleep. Wat the....!!!!

It sounds damn mad but I decided to call it a day and go to slp when it was abt 10.30pm. Couldn't sleep despite me feeling sleepy. So I read a book and couldn't absorb the contents anymore. Off to bed I went.

Then my housemate started singing damn loudly in his room, and strumming his guitar like nobody's business. He's got a good voice, but hello Mister...it's 11+ now...if u wanna sing, can u not sing SO loudly??!!!! I got to wake up at 6+ later leh...

I'm being very mean here, cos it's not his fault that he's singing. Probably he's just bloody stressing out cos of exams, and hence, singing to release tension, but I'm getting so frustrated with it. Cos it's loud and cos he's singing the same song again and AGAIN....and that song happened to be "Tong Hua"!!!! Wah liew...!!!!!!

Everyone was going nuts abt that song at some stage, and apparently some still are. Can see their nicks still having long phrases from that song... "Wo yuan bian cheng tong hua li, ni ai de na ge tian shi, zhang kai shuang shou bian cheng chi pang shou hu ni...blah blah blah". Goodness. Can put something more original or not?

I can't go downstairs to ask him to shuddup also, so here I am grumbling on my blog :X And also I was going "NOT TONG HUA AGAIN!??!?!?!" in my room...lol. I bet Steven can hear me whining about it in my room since he's just next door..hahha...oopps...hope he doesn't tell Keng Wooi abt it..or else it's gonna be super pai seh...hehehehehee...

*Hears Tong Hua again* ARGH.... %^&"$!#

Makes perfect sense

Yesterday, I learnt a great deal from Dr Jenkins. A very lovely doctor who talks to everybody like a friend, treats everyone well, and most importantly, didn't give me the "you are chinese" attitude. It's either the way he is (I think most likely), or he's just feeling different by having a Chinese around because whenever there was an opportunity, he will ask me things about Singapore, Asian food and about my family.

He also taught me many things. I have not done dermatology and paediatrics yet, but yesterday I did quite a bit of it. Oh yes, the babies are sooooo cute, and I'm so pleased when they started smiling while I was smiling or playing with them. I didn't know babies like me...most of the babies always cry whenever I try to play with them.

Dr Jenkins asked me to define "healthy". I told him it's abt how one feels in himself/herself. A person can be full of illnesses, might be dying even, but if he/she feels happy with everything that is going on with his/her life, then that is a healthy person. A person who might not be ill, but doesn't find anything that makes him/her happy, can be seen as someone ill, hence, not healthy. He said I hit the nail on the head. That's how WHO define one as being healthy, a combination of physical, social and mental wellbeing. Very simple definition, but so important, and should never be forgotten.

I was telling him I feel that the medical part in treating a patient might not be easy at times, but it's nothing compared to treating the social and mental side of things. Sometimes, you just feel that there's just that limit of things you can do for them, but knowing it will not solve the root of their problems in other aspects. These patients will come back one day, having the same illnesses, having the same mentally-induced problems, and there will never be an end to it. His sentiments exactly. He said that social and mental wellbeing is one that doctors can never help patient to achieve. Doctors can only be there to be a shoulder, a best friend, a listening ear, but they can't save patients in the non-medical way.

He also told me that it's amazing how grateful patients can be towards you at times. There was this patient who came into clinic yesterday and this little old man was telling me how grateful he was towards Dr Jenkins. He had a heart attack 7 years ago at 5am and his wife was helpless. So she rang Dr Jenkins, and he rushed down to their house immediately. When he arrived there, he laid the patient flat on the kitchen table and rang the ambulance. Till today, the patient and his wife are so grateful to him rushing over, and felt that Dr Jenkins was the one who saved his life. When this patient left the consulting room, Dr Jenkins said this is one classic example of how grateful patients can get, and the most amazing thing is....the most grateful patients are the ones who u have done the least/nothing for. Calling the ambulance was something anyone would do, but just that simple call could make patients feel eternally grateful. I guess I do understand Dr Jenkins' point of view, but I do see it from the patient's point of view too. Sometimes, it isn't about someone always being there, but about being there at the right time. But I do think Dr Jenkins is dedicated enough a doctor to wake up at 5am just to rush out of the house to make sure his patient is alright. If I were him, I would do it too.

Another very interesting issue Dr Jenkins talked to me about was his dream after graduation. He said he wanted to go to 3rd world countries to help the needy, and had to take exams before going to Africa, which unfortunately he flunked. He then decided to retake it, but work in a healthcare centre in Ely while doing so. And it was only when he came to Ely that he realised this. It isn't just in Africa that ppl are suffering, but right here in Ely too. He changed his mind about going to Africa since then, and felt an urge to put his ability to good use here instead. This thing he told me got me thinking about it the whole evening.

How true it is. One doesn't have to leave the country to know how much others are suffering. The most obvious things are the ones u tend to neglect and not see. Africa probably appears to be worse off than UK because they are more backward, but that doesn't mean the problems the poor face there aren't the same as those here in UK. Peer pressure, environment, family issues, education...these problems are everywhere.

I tried to think if this is so in Singapore. Singapore looks beautiful on the surface, but what is lying deep beneath the surface is what I'll not know. I'm eager to find out, and maybe this summer, I'll see if I can open up this mystery I have.

I know there are quite a number of socially deprived people in Sg too, but what are the problems and mindsets of these ppl. I should try to get to know them to find out isn't it? Maybe I'll realise...there's a "3rd world" in Singapore too. Maybe then I'll understand Grandaunt's "Help begins at Home", but in another way..haha. Hers was all about me being a financial burden to my parents, and I should give up Medicine and do a course that will earn me big bucks in future, just like my uncle. But I'm going against her...and I hope by doing so this time, I won't ever regret. Help probably begins at Home....Home being Singapore...help being towards those suffering in silence under a said flourishing country.

First day at the GP

Up in Ely. According to one of the doctors at the clinic, it's one of the most or probably the most socially deprived area in South Wales.

Before I went there, my British classmates were telling me it's a place no one wants to be in. I was imagining it to be horrible, and definitely wasn't looking forward to it. Plus, it was GP....the more not interested I am.

But I sorta changed my mind. I'm probably not a 100% motivated about it yet, but I am hoping to enjoy it as the week goes. I managed to practise a bit on clinical skills, and the doctor I was with in the afternoon grinded me a bit on knowledge. He did praise me for knowing my stuffs and I did feel happy for a bit :) Let's hope this will continue to be so, even during my exams.

About Ely..hmm...it's very obvious it's a socially deprived area. A lot of not very educated ppl ard, and definitely a lot of UK's version of bengs and lians. The adults also had lots of tattoos on them, and some do look very scary. I did feel scared walking from the clinic to the bus stop this evening cos there were loads hanging around...yikes.

The cases I get to see in Ely are not often seen elsewhere too. I guess that's the advantage of being sent to such an area, and I'm not complaining abt it. Just in 1 day, I encountered 2 heroin abuse cases, 1 severe violence and alcohol abuse case, and several other personality disorders cases. Scary, but a good experience. One of the patients I encountered actually told me that she got so violent last night she smashed everything up in her house and burnt all her bf's clothes. How's that? She's definitely dangerous to be left on the streets, yet we can't lock her up. Just gotta try to get her to do follow ups as often as possible to make sure she's stable enough.

I thought a lot when I see these patients with such serious problems coming into clinic with their very young children. Some are even wanting to talk abt Heroin in front of the child, which is definitely not the right thing to do. Of course, the GP told them to come back another day without the child to discuss on the issue.

The thought that was running in my mind is, "What is the future of these children?". I think parents play a significant role in the child's future. Children tend to do what their parents do, and with the state their parents are in, it's no surprise if the child goes along the same route, and it'll go on generations after generations, unless one breaks away from this cycle.

Looking at the environment around, it isn't easy to break away. Kids here don't choose schs the way we do in Sg. In Sg, if you're a high flyer, u can fight for the top schools, met the creme of the crop. In UK, they automatically get sent to the nearest school. So in a place like Ely, most of the children would be learning the wrong things from their parents, and peer pressure in schools isn't going to help make things go the right way isn't it? Only the rare minority will not be bothered about their peers and do things the proper way. But how many will there be?

This morning, I met a 11 yr old girl who was having bowel problems. Her parents are very anxious about it, and her dad, being a very strict man, insisted on her carrying out certain nutritional routines which she refused to comply to. Reason being peer influence, and not wanting to be seen as "different". She said, "I want to eat an apple in school because everyone is doing so, but Dad didn't like me to. He even made me bring a raw carrot to school..how can I ever eat that in front of my friends?". From a 23 yr old's point of view, I didn't think it was funny to eat a raw carrot rather than an apple. But from the 11 yr old's perspective, it could mean embarassment for being different. Probably she doesn't want her friends to call her names or disturb her for being Bugs Bunny. It's this mindset between the age groups which can be a matter of concern.

Seeing these little ones looking so innocent and naive at the moment, I wish they could be led onto the right path when they r older, and not follow what their parents are doing. Sophie once told me that some parents don't even care about their children. If the police called the home to report that their child has committed a crime, sometimes the parents just laugh it off and forget abt it. It's really bad. How can the child grow up well in such an environment? And when they do grow up to be a pain to the society, can we blame them for it? They probably were never even told it was wrong in the first place (I can never understand why they couldn't tell right from wrong sometimes). They probably were never taught the right things from birth.

Now I might understand why University, despite it being such a common thing in the UK, still..there are quite a substantial number of people who never managed to make it there/ or never even wanted to in the first place. A net friend of mine told me before he worked with some school children when he was studying in UK, and the thing he remembered clearly was a primary sch girl telling him that her ambition is to be a prostitute when she is older. She believes that she's not going to make it to anywhere and that's the only route to survive. I'm sure there are loads out there who has this mindset and hence, seeing University being beyond their wildest dreams.

Sad, but this is reality I'm afraid.

Can't imagine getting more unproductive than this weekend

Crap weekend. Almost as good as never do any work at all. Ok, I did some work..but VERY minimal. Read only abt 8-10 chapters (it's short ones somemore). Goodness gracious. *smacks forehead*

And recently, I seem to have irregular meals at irregular hrs again. Skipping meals again, or eating rubbish for a meal e.g. tortilla chips. My health hasn't been good recently too. Been getting the "cold coming up" feeling, and nasty headaches (which have been becoming a daily affair these days). Then now, it seems as though the Gastritis is working up too. I was thinking the headaches could be due to stress, and probably because I haven't been sleeping toooo well. The hrs were fine, but I guess it's the quality rather than quantity that makes the difference. Tend to wake up several times a night. And last night, I got woken up by the neighbours aft dozing off for 2 hours. They were having a big fight in the room next to mine. Yelling at the top of heads at each other, and non stop vulgarities. But because of what has been happening recently, I'm wondering if it could be the cause for my headache. Been losing a lot a lot a lot of blood recently. Nahz, it's not the monthly thing..haha. It's massive bleeding from the back passage.

Normally, I look into the toilet bowl to make sure the stools are ok (sounds disgusting, but trust me, it's very impt to do so because u can detect diseases just by looking at it at times). I'm kinda paranoid because Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) is such a common problem here. The alarming signs for that is stools with blood and mucus. IBD can be potentially fatal, so I'm being very cautious here.

I was shocked when I looked into the toilet bowl many days ago. It was all red. Yes, RED. It wasn't dye because I haven't had any food with food dyes, and it was very obvious that it was fresh blood. I got really stunned for a moment because it wasn't a little, but LOADS. Even the toilet paper was stained totally with it.

I think it's highly due to haemorrhoids or piles, but it's the first time having the whole toilet bowl filled with blood. I thought it'll go off after a while, but it hasn't been getting any better. It's still the same today! I hope it'll stop soon..can't imagine losing lots of blood everyday for the next few weeks (I think my blood will run dry by then). In the meanwhile, I'll try to make sure I drink more water, and have a higher fibre intake. If this continues, looks like I really have to book an appointment to see the doctor. It's worrying me a lot.

Me the Computer Idiot

I always have problems with computers. And because I'm so dumb at it, I can never solve it, or I'll end up spending days trying to solve it (and sometimes still can't solve it). I'll then start sitting there, pouting and grumbling. I think I'll fail flat on my face if I ever major in our computing..good thing I'm not.

I had such a hard time getting files burnt into DVD using my laptop. Yeah..go on and laugh. Simple thing like that, but I can't do it. It's my 1st time burning a DVD (I'm still in the CD age..sometimes floppy even), and it's a nightmare. First, I bought the wrong DVD..got the DVD+RW rather than the DVD-RW, which my laptop doesn't support. Had to get it refunded and bought the DVD-RW instead. Then again, cannot burn. I know the first thing ppl will ask is "Are you sure your laptop can burn DVD?" Ha! Yes...I'm sure about it, and I confirmed it with my housemates too :D The pissing thing is...I wasted 2 days on this rubbish...such a waste of time.

But it's still not working. ARGH. I'm giving up. Seems like Microsoft said that there's a problem with WinXp recognising DVD-RW discs. Should I try DVD-R instead? Lol...skali cannot again....errrrr.....then I'll resort to the old method..CD-RW..hehe.

My housemate told me not to buy cheap empty CDs, cos sometimes it doesn't work. Is it true? Does anyone know?

Anyway, I watched a movie on my laptop today. Fell in love with this song:

And I Love You So.wma

It's sung by Lee Dong Gun. The original singer's Don McLean. I have no idea how to use flash, so I can't post it up here, and because it's kinda the 1st time I'm trying out angelfire, hopefully it will work and allow you guys to have a listen to it. If it doesn't work...then I dunno wat to do already...lol. Sorry peeps, I'm a computer idiot remember?

It's an old song. Heard it many times when I was young, but never really liked it. I think Lee Dong Gun sings it better than the original singer. Tell me what you think ok?

The lyrics aren't fantastic. I was more attracted to the music and how he sang it. I love this part of the lyrics best:
"And I love you so
The people ask me how
How I lived till now
I tell them I don't know.."

People say one doesn't need a reason to love another. Is this true? I used to think a lot about this and I'm still confused about what the answer is.

If love doesn't need a reason, then it makes perfect logic to why some cruel people in this world still have someone who loves them with all their heart, and never losing hope in them e.g. psycho killers.

Yet, if love doesn't need a reason, isn't it scary? I'm sure there are times when a relationship gets really rough, the couple will wonder if the relationship is right...should they forget abt it...or should they just go through the odds together. I did come to this junction before many times, and I remember once thinking " I'll go through it. It will be fine soon.", but when my friends asked me why I refuse to ask for a break up, I didn't know why. There was absolutely nothing worth for me to tolerate further and to hold on to the rship, but somehow I still did, for a reason I don't know. Maybe.. "love doesn't need a reason" is the reason.

So the conclusion is...is there or is there not a reason to love another? *ponders*

I wish I can tell you I miss u very much..

Throughout the past few days, 2 ppl have been in my mind. I wasn't sure why I suddenly thought of them, but when it came into my mind, I feel this urge of wanting to see them again.

They're a lovely couple. A couple who watched me grow up. A couple who treated me like their own, and whom I was very close to when I was young.

I think the first time I met them was when I was 9. They were Dad's business friends, but with time, our family got really close to them and going out together wasn't because of business anymore.

Auntie Rosie and Uncle Abed lived in Singapore for quite a long time. When I was little, I used to love going out with them. Auntie Rosie always had that lovely smile which I'll always remember. Uncle Abed's the handsome Lebanese who always had a cigar in his mouth. I used to get so amused with his cigar that I'll always pester him to let me play with the casing. Frederick and I used to sing and tell them jokes all the time, and I'm sure they loved us a lot. They were also the first couple whom we felt comfortable going out with without our parents. Everytime they were around, it was fun guaranteed. And because Aunt Rosie's rich and fussy, we never had to worry about going to somewhere off standard. It's always fancy restaurants, hotels, boutiques, etc. Presents from them were always nice too. I remember them buying me something very pretty every year during my birthday, or sending me a beautiful card if they're not in Singapore.

I can't remember when was the last time I saw them. Sec 4 perhaps. Dad brought me to Dubai with him when he had to go to Yemen for meetings. We stopped by for a few days to say Hi. I saw my old poodle. His name's Goodies. Goodies' got a daughter called Jetaime, but he died a few years ago already. I was treated so so so well in Dubai. The hotel they booked was super posh, I was driven ard all the time, I was always offered loads of food during every meal and even when I was rotting in their house in the day. Dad sometimes go off with Uncle Abed to the office, while I'll stay ard with Aunt Rosie. She'll then plan fun activities for me, so that I won't be bored. She'll call Jade (her nephew...damn handsome manz) along to play with me..we'll go to the beach and jump over sea waves together...go swimming...have delicious meals in hotels..and not forgetting shopping. It's even more fun when Auntie Haneen comes along..haha..another very classy lady. I guess I can just go on and on and on about the fun times I had with them.

I asked Mum if she knew where they are now. Many years back, not very long after I left Dubai, Dad went to Dubai with an intention to visit them while on a meeting. And he heard that they're divorced. Things got very bad for them...and somehow they went bankrupt. Uncle Abed got into a lot of debts and just ran away. No one really knows where he is now...but Mum said he probably ran to Canada. He never called us anymore. It's really sad isn't it?

He owed Dad a lot of money, but I'm sure Dad wasn't expecting him to pay it back. He was in such a desperate situation, and being so close...we had to try to save him. I was telling Mum I'm wondering what he's doing now, and he must be too shy to face us, tt's why he didn't contact us anymore. Uncle Abed will never disregard the ties we had, and he must be feeling really sad that he can't contact us. I'm very sure he misses us like how we miss him, and I was telling Mum that maybe one day, he'll just come back to Singapore and give us a surprise visit..but when will that be? Will there be such a day? When I was telling Mum that, I had this urge to wanna go find him. I wanna know how he is.

Aunt Rosie's still in Dubai, working. She isn't having a very good time either. I think Dad hasn't been in touch with her for some time too. I wonder if life's got better for her compared to before. I miss her very much, and Mum said if I want, I can go visit her in Dubai. I think I will...either before graduation or straight after graduation. In fact, if I haven't got myself booked in SIA yet, I might really fly to Dubai during the summer to stay for a while before going back to Singapore. I haven't seen her for years...and don't know why...I feel that I have just so so so much to tell her. She's just like a Mum to me. Mum was saying Aunt Rosie will be extremely happy to see me after all these years... :) Will she?

Sigh..if only she's here...I'll wanna tell her that I really miss her and Uncle Abed very much, and I have not forgotten the days of them being in Singapore. It's probably one of the best times in my childhood.

Dinner wif someone unexpected

Finally a meet up with a friend whom I've not met for months. It wasn't the best outing, but I am still pleased abt having received a call from him.

Kena suan during dinner...yeah. "I've been putting in effort to keep in touch with u. Have you?" he said. Gosh...so pai seh. I think I've been very bad cos each time he calls, I will hesitate to pick up the call. And each time I pick up, I won't talk for more than 3 minutes to him too.

Then again, it's not because I don't wish to...there's just something which makes it slightly uncomfy to continue the conversation. My friend is a...nice guy, but he gives me the feeling that what he says isn't from deep within..not simple definitely. Hence, I can't be myself when I am out with him either. I tend to think a lot about what I say, how I talk, and how I behave. It's no wonder I am always dying to go home after a while. I wish I could spend the entire evening with a friend I have not met for ages, but I can't imagine being "fake" for the rest of the night.

And it was more scandals again. This time, I didn't want to know anything more. Didn't bother to probe further either. Totally can't be bothered abt his affairs. Never ever get my facts right about his flings throughout the 3-4 years I know him. I guess I just gave up getting my facts clear at some point, and never wanted to get them clear ever since..lol.

That seems to be Uni life. Flings, flings and more flings. You just never know who is serious with you. It's weird isn't it? Cos we're supposed to be studying in uni. That's the main thing, yet at some point, these rubbish issues start too.

Mum always said that dating in Uni is a better age (apparently, she changes her mind now..and thinks it's toooo early and I should probably not even think abt it) because we'll be more grown up and mature by then. But it doesn't seem so ard me. I..don't even know who is serious. I see ppl changing bf/gf so often here, and they don't even feel a thing after ditching each other. How come? Don't know why I feel soooo arghhhh abt it each time I think abt it.

What's going on in those ppl's minds huh? Relationships aren't games...don't they know? It's lame how ppl go around hurting each other for fun.

Better than nothing..

I managed to get some practice with Neurological examination today. Clerked 2 patients in the Neurology ward in the morning (I'm so surprised that there were no students ard...where the hell are they? probably all gave up clerking and end up mugging for Intermediate MB).

I did Motor and Sensory Examination on a guy who's due for a prolapse disc op tomorrow. He didn't have any signs unfortunately, but I was more concerned about getting procedures done smoothly. I'm pleased that I managed to get it done properly. Sophie said I looked really confident and it was very smooth (yah right...me confident?). But I sure wasn't panicking today...so odd.

We didn't get to do any cranial nerve examinations on any patients, so we decided to do it to ourselves -.- It's good practice though. So off we went to the Visitors' Room and did the examination on each other. I reckon the visitors who were in the room were quite entertained with what we were doing, and our silly laughters while we were talking cork.

Sophie is sooooo in love..lol. Can really see the hearts flying around her these days. She's damn hooked to this guy called Mike, who is a skiing instructor whom she got to know at a party. Wanna noe what attracted him to her? It was his dressing for the party. He had only a Welsh flag wrapping the lower half of his body, and a bow tie. She claims that he's her type of guy...yikes. So scary. I kept luffing non stop when she first told me abt it, and u should see how sexcited so got...aiyo! BUAY TAHAN!!!! Lol.

Anyway, they're like about to be together, and she's playing hard to get now by refusing to call him, hence, not wanting to make herself look like she's throwing herself at him..haha. But everyday, she's telling me excitedly abt their conversations, their smses etc. I've never mentioned to any guys to her b4, and I bet she thinks I'm weird, hence, she started asking me what kind of guy I go for, what attracts me in a guy etc. And each time I mention "ex bf", she will suddenly be super excited and ask me questions. And each time I tell her I think a particular guy is hot, she'll start asking if he's my type, and will be extremely curious. Then we'll end up talking about who's yandao in our medical course, and of course not forgetting about the doctors in the hospital. I realise something...the House Officers in this batch is damn super yandao...smart..decent looking...wah liew...bring-home-show-parents-quality manz!!!!! But definitely it's not the reason to why I'm going to the hospital.

Right. I surfed ard and had a think through about what I wanna do during summer. Have a few plans...oh boy am I excited to carry them out.

1. Watch tons of performances
2. First Aid & CPR course
3. Japanese course
4. Attend medical talks
5. Brush up my driving (A MUST!!!!!!!!!!)
6. Do attachment in Clinic for free (maybe)

I think more will be added to the list with time, but just seeing those 6, makes me happy manz. Hopefully everything goes well before summer, so that I can really concentrate on having fun. Erm..ok lah..I know the above 6 don't look fun, cos it's like either so practical or so theoretical. It's weird that these things are the sort of things that makes me excited (but I feel shit when it gets tooooooo000 intense..yet if I don't have any of those activities...I'll die very soon too...so contradicting hor?).

It'll be great if I can meet up with my friends, go KTV (muahahahahahaha...find Stacey!!!), leisure travelling to nearby places (if Huishan and the rest wanna go), and enjoy good food with my family (Mum said she owes me a treat since I missed the one for her bday..muahahaa..*yay*). Maybe buy a dog as well. Yup, a REAL dog. I think my brother obtained the green light from my parents already..and he's offered to pay for it too. :) If that happens, I'll have a doggie to hug and play with me when I'm feeling alone. Bet it'll cheer me up a lot a lot.

Another day of struggling

I really think I'm falling ill. Been having a runny nose, sneezing quite often, and occasional coughs. I dread coughs..whenever they start, they never seem to stop. It's not that bad yet, and I certainly hope it won't get worse. Maybe I should start drinking bird's nest again this week...before my mum nags at me about it...sigh..

Feel damn dead today. Didn't go to hospital, since Sophie didn't want to go either (I was being lazy lah...no motivation). Did studying again. It was.....fine. I revised over the old stuffs again, and it got quite pissing at times. Pissing cos..I'm supposed to know all that..but I still go blank or forget! I read the book so many times until the pages are turning into salted vege soon...and this is still happening....argh..

I'm feeling so sianz....serious. If I had a choice, I'll just throw everything aside and play like mad for a while, but I can't. I thought of getting out of Cardiff...go to London to chill alone, or off to Swansea to visit Fatimah this weekend, but the moment I think about my confidence level for my coming clinical OSCE, I feel like shhhhhiiiiiittttttt....

I wanna talk to my friends to release tension, but when they msg me, I have nothing to talk to them, and I will end up looking 'dao' or worse, end up sounding harsh. To those who thought I have been a bit 'off' recently, pls pardon me. I'm very disturbed.

I guess Dad knows I'm struggling slightly here, so he msged me and told me if I wanna call home, just call anytime.

Suddenly...have this urge to wanna go home. I'm soooo tired mentally due to this insecurity I'm facing. On one hand, I just want to get it over and done with asap, yet on another, I feel quite ill prepared despite putting a lot of effort. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not borned with the brains. I know I'm not intelligent, but I can't be THAT stupid right? How come I take ages to know something to the level I think is good enuff for me? Prof Kua said I'm expecting toooo much from myself, but I really don't think I am. I'm just aiming to pass and to go through med sch smoothly like anyone else, but I face so many obstacles all the time. Now, all I ask for to be able to carry out examinations smoothly...but even a simple thing like that is becoming a problem for me.

Is this what every medical student have to go through? How long is it gonna last..? It's so mentally draining..

Pls don't let me feel this way time n time again

Last night, I couldn't last at all. Couldn't even finished reading 2 pages of my book and I dozed off. It was only about 9pm, and I decided to just throw everything aside and sleep. I just wasn't in the mood and thought good rest might make me feel better.

Couldn't get out of bed totally this morning. Set my alarm at 5, then changed to 7+, then to 8+, then to 9. It was a pain because I really wanted to get up and revise before going to hospital, but there was no way I could do so. I'm not feeling 100% either, and I'm just wondering if it's one of the 'gonna fall ill' episode again. I hope not. It's definitely not the right time.

I kept drilling myself by recalling the clinical examination steps in the bus, and it made me feel really bad. Just gave up and went into a daze. *shakes head*

Had a horrid day in Neurology. It was absolute CRAP. There were more students than patients who were suitable to be clerked and examined on. The reason why Neuro exams look like a nightmare (and it's a well known fact to everyone doing Med) is simple. There just isn't enuff patients well enuff to talk to and examine! DUH! Took 2 histories, and couldn't even do an examination on one! Cos one was on a wheelchair, and another was due to go for a CT scan. I wonder how I'm gonna present cases by the end of this week.

Went to lumps and bumps clinic in the afternoon. Saw a few hernias, and some insane cases like a lump on the forehead so small that u won't see it or feel it, and yet, the patient is complaining hell loads abt it and landing herself in clinic in a HOSPITAL. Then had another few mad referrals from GPs. One goooooood example, "Patient came in with pain in the left flank. Suspected diagnosis is gallstones". Just in case the medical jargon has got u totally confused, flank is where your kidneys are. Gallstones are formation of stones in an organ which produces a liquid to digest fat, and it's in the upper right side of your abdomen, where the liver is. Would any idiot claim that left flank pain is due to gallstones?! Not unless this patient's got his organs all in the opposite side (this is freaking rare....only saw this once with Pinsoon in some anatomy exhibition in S'pore Expo..oh boy were we soooooooo amazed by it). It's probably easier to strike 4D than to find a human with such a unique arrangement internally. The Consultants were complaining that it isn't the first time GPs send in patients with insane diagnoses which are totally out of this world, and makes people wonder if there's anything wrong going up there in the GP's head. It's just the easy way out at times for them isn't it? Can't solve anything....just REFER to hospital, and get someone else to solve it. Then again, shall not use this to ruin every GP's reputation. I might end up being one one day..lol..who knows? So better don't criticise too much (I'm still far from being a GP somemore..sob sob).

I forced myself to stay back in hospital. Took 3 more histories, and only managed to examine on 2, because the other had a fresh surgical wound which definitely is untouchable now. My examination on one was fine, but the other was totally screwed. It was so darn disorganised even though I did everything. I got so mad at myself. But at least I heard a murmur today, and crepitations in the lungs. I felt like a piece of shit after seeing how disorganised I got, and ended up going back displeased and worried. Decided to stuff myself again. So off I went to a Jap restaurant to have Sashimi and my usual Salmon Ramen. Yummy. I wanted to eat even more, but I have been spending too much recently, so I refrained myself from the delicious Japanese red bean pancake.

Came home. Got into a daze. Shower. Then it was studying AGAIN. Grinded myself on Neuro, hernias and goitre. Watched videos from the Net on it as well. I can remember the steps, can write them all down (including all the wateva reasons u have for any abnormality found), but whenever I sit there and think, it goes blank for a moment. I HATE that feeling. I get it whenever I am thrown a patient (Sophie makes me examine patients all the time, and I wonder why she won't do it...I practically did ALL the examinations on patients today). I shouldn't complain cos it's good practice for me, but I just can't tolerate the "blank" feeling. I'll be super screwed if it happens during my exams.

The doctors say we should go examine as many patients as we can, but take a look around in the hospital. You hardly see anyone really well enough to talk and let you examine. The hospital is filled with 95% old folks..and when I say old..I really mean OLD...like 80+ and above! Most of them are so ill and unwell, plus they don't really have good signs too. And when you have those with signs, they are probably in too much pain to even be able to entertain us. It's so annoying. Not trying to be mean, but I really think to do geriatric medicine here in UK is probably the best thing to do manz...you'll never run out of patients...practically the whole hospital is yours. And you get hell loads of abdominal cases as well, which is making me have a keen interest in Gastroenterology.

Oh yah, I met Michelle Tang during lunch. Haven't seen her for some time. Chatted with her abt her psychiatry block. Gosh, she was saying that it's the last thing she'll ever wanna do in her entire life again..haha. She was telling me about mad patients, and this fear everyone had when they went into the ward everyday. You're under HIGH RISK of being stabbed and attacked by patients who's a bit screwed in the head. Then her friend told me she actually chatted with a patient got sent into hospital cos she got bonkers during a row with her bf and ended up stabbing him in the eye. *Ouch* The funniest part of the chat was her telling me that everyone related to psychiatry is weird. First, the patients are weird (duh..), then the nurses are also weird (influenced by patients maybe..), and even the doctors were weird! She was saying u get Consultant Psychiatrists who go mumbling to themselves while doing weird hand movements and looking to the ground, and then suddenly they go "yes..." when u haven't even said anything. Looks like Grandaunt's right. The doctors probably get driven mad before the patients go mad......

Ok lah. Getting damn late now....argh....another not-so-very-interesting day tmr again. Shitty shitty shitty!!!!! So frustrating manz..the thought of it. Bloody neuro again!!!!! Argh!

Hope it'll be a better day tmr. At least let me wake up with a smile. I hate getting up feeling blur and insecure about my competency. Will someone pls assure me and make me feel convinced that I'll be fine.......? Desperately needing some moral support here....

Haiyah! So pissing!

Woke up this morning naturally, which is good, but also realised that I had a dream...hmm...nightmare? *ponders*

I dreamt of someone and when I just remembered it..I was like "WTF!" with a shocked expression. Wah liew..of all things...*smacks forehead*

And that was not it. It kinda haunt me for a little while. I was still thinking about it in the bus and while walking to the wards for Neurology teaching session. It did make me a bit upset, which got cast aside for a bit...phew.

I started indulging in food to ease my mood a little. I don't know why I feel slightly pek chek about the dream..cos perhaps..I never ever thought I'll have it again? I don't think I want to have it either. Oh boy, was the dessert yummy. Chocolate sponge with loads of milk on it..slurp! I ate sooooooooo much during lunch that my tummy was exploding. But it was so satisfying (I did feel sleepy after a while though). Was telling Sophie that indulging in that dessert is oh so good when one's in a foul mood (she didn't know I was in a bad mood...maybe cos I was smiling and laughing)

Then I don't know why I got pek chek again when my dream just came to my mind suddenly when I'm in the Emergency unit. I tried distracting my thoughts by recalling what I studied, and it made me more pissed cos I can't seem to remember. I felt incompetent again....wah liew..after all my efforts put in....DAMN IT!

It didn't help when I went up to the bus, took out my return bus ticket, and then was told that it's single rather than a return one. What the...!!!! I paid bloody £2.30 this morning for a return, and the driver gave me a wrong ticket! I then gave a comment (while trying to look pitiful..and forgot that angmos don't buy my shit here), "...but I paid £2.30 this morning...", hoping that driver will just close one eye and let me off, but NO! He went "It says single there. It should be stated 'Return'", followed by the 'look'. Do I look that pathetic to wanna cheat on the bus fare (even though it's super expensive) huh??!?!?! I ended up paying another £1.30, and was feeling quite mad (I was already frustrated about not being able to answer some questions in hospital today plus that dream..argh) about paying extra when I'm innocent....I should have been more careful...

Wanted to go catch a movie alone to release alllllllll my frustration, and probably be home smiling and bubbly. BUT I just realise that I have not hit the standard and level of confidence I should/must be having, so I decided to give the movie a miss and drown in my books again today. But no way was I in the perfect mood to revise...yet.

Off to Marks & Spencers I went, and started my insane shopping spree. Bought food, desserts, fruits, juices, and snacks so that I can munch on them since I'm so not-in-the-best-mood. I was already indulging in my juices and food even before I got home.

It was terrible carrying so many things back. So heavy manz! Then Boots had a long queue when I was gonna pay for conditioner and health supplements. Makes everything worse. My arms and shoulder was hurting like hell when I came home. I bet it's gonna ache tomorrow. Can't believe I actually mumbled "Haiyo...if only someone can help me carry some of the load..tt'll be soooooooo sweeeeeeetttttt"...*rolls eyes*

I just wish I can just zoooooom off to bed right now, and don't wake up till dawn. Still feeling so irritated about the dream, and of course about examinations.....BAH!!!!!

Tomorrow better be a better day....NO MORE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT PRETTY PWWWEEEEAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEEE...

Off to revise now...^*%$*£

Photos!!!!

Finally, I have loaded the "Spring" cleaning photos. Muahaha..

(Click the photo thumbnails for bigger view)
Introducing my messy room in UK...

Fine. My room isn't the prettiest room around, but at least it's comfy enuff for me. I guarantee u my new place will be really nice. Don't ask me why all the furnitures don't match. Ask my current landlord. Will u believe it? He actually owns 20+ houses in Cardiff itself, all rented out! Freaking rich manz...*shakes head*

Wanna see what's outside my window?

Yeah..type of houses you get in Cardiff...

Oh yes, u gotto check the pic below out..hehe. It's damn cool (to me lah). It's alcoholic hand gel. It's got a clip so that I can clip it onto my white clinical coat when I go to hospitals (but I have only one bottle, so I am refusing to use it..use the ones in the wards instead..lol). It's the alternative to using water to wash your hands. Kills harmful bacteria in order to prevent cross infections between patients.

And now..for my pinky possessions which I have been soooo excited about. Yeah, and my new wallet has arrived. Didn't realise it goes so well with my new UK handphone :)



Here's me feeling proud of my "spring" cleaning efforts..lol.. have I lost weight? I hope not...*prays*

Racism? Most likely...

Something for me to think about today.

Was talking to Fatimah in school this morning and I realise that maybe...I'm not the only one feeling hurt over being treated differently.

She gave me a very good advice. "Just heck care, Michelle. Don't be hurt."

I've always wondered if I was the only one facing problems with docs with attitude. I've always thought if u're gonna be nice to a person for the first time, the next time, you should be nice too. And I never thought it will kill to say "Hi" if u see a familiar face whom u had a good impression of.

But maybe not everyone thinks the same like me. It's odd, and I never understand why. So many times, when I have teaching sessions with the doctors and they gave me a real good impression as in they're nice and all, somehow I start wondering if they're really so. Simply because the next day when I just happen to bump into them in hospital, they seem to be a different person. Either they just turn away to pretend as if they didn't see you, or won't even bother to smile. And when you say "Hi", sometimes they just ignore. Very rarely, you get one who will smile and say 'Hi' back to you.

I was never a 'people' person, and because I know I'm not, I sort of expect such things to happen. I don't say things to offend the doctors though because I can't. But somehow, the way they behave made me feel like they didn't like me. And I always wonder why, and start thinking back if I did anything wrong without realising it. But I don't think I did, because I don't argue back (I seldom talk in fact) and I did what I was told.

Being ignored when I said 'Hi' hurts me in a way, and probably that's why I never felt welcomed or belonged in UK. And also, I realise that whenever the angmos talk to a group of us, they tend to keep eye contact with everyone but me. Why is that? Cos I'm Chinese? It made me felt as if I was invisible, and just some "follower" when I'm not. I pay my school fees too manz....18 times the locals'...so just in what way do I not deserve the same treatment?

I do feel bothered by it at times, but am slowly trying to cast it aside. I asked Fatimah if I was the only one in such a state, and she told me that she was feeling the same way as me at some stage too. She was so depressed and hurt about it that she cried everyday on the phone when she called her bf or her family. I asked her if there was anything wrong with me, and she asked if I did anything to offend anyone. I thought about it, and told her I didn't. I can't possibly offend anyone when I don't talk, and neither did I show any body language which can cause misunderstandings (cos for a fact, I know I can NEVER offend docs here...why would I get myself into shit?). She then told me that sometimes I can sound harsh, and ppl might get offended because they don't know what kind of person I am. I thought through what she said, and do agree with her. I do sound harsh towards a few people, and I can be harsh if I want to. But when I'm on placements, it's a totally different picture. Even when nurses scold me, I don't even argue back. I just apologise (but I do curse inside lah..cos sometimes it's not my fault!). Trust me manz, if it weren't because I had Consultants around me and because I'm just a pathetic med student, I will tell the nurse that it's not my fault and she didn't have to snap at me like that, in a nice tone of course. Anyway, I definitely swear 'harsh' is not the reason. Couldn't be.

Fatimah then told me the problems she faced. Same as me. And she told me that I should just be heck care abt it. No point getting hurt over worthless people. She also told me that I should accept the fact that we're foreign students, so angmos don't give shit about us. They don't respect us the same way as they do towards their ppl. If I were to think about it that way, then I won't feel hurt anymore. The ultimate thing she said which got me shocked was "Michelle, angmos are not your friends. Don't take them as your friends because they are like that. If they don't respect u the way u deserve it, then why bother? Why let them affect u? I can tell you, Michelle, that angmos are not my pals. My pals are you and the other Asians I know here and in Malaysia. That's all."

Had a short talk with Shim about this issue, and he said "I face it too! Tell me Michelle, which Asian student here doesn't have the same problem? Heck care lah!". He said there was once he said 'Good Morning' to his consultant, and the consultant just turned his head away, refusing to answer.

A BBC I knew on board a flight also told me his experience with Whites when he went to Uni too. He told me that he felt really discriminated against just because he's Chinese. It was so obvious, and he did felt hurt initially, but just couldn't be bothered anymore after a while. My aunt also faced the same treatment when she went to Australia for postgrad training.

With so many people telling me the same thing, I guess I should stop wondering about me being the only one. I should be more heck care. I'm already quite heck care now, but the fact that I still do feel hurt slightly sometimes, goes to show that I should push it up a level higher.

Hopefully, with time, I won't feel anything again. Shall stop finding excuses for them just to make myself better. Not worth it when it's a well known fact that angmos are racist (of course, there r rare exceptions). If I ever graduate and become a doc, I won't do this to medical students. I will be nice to them, and even if they're all angmos, I'll still be nice. I promise I will.

Oh yah, heard from Fatimah that Sikhs hate Chinese a lot...lol. Is it true? Does anyone know?

Another productive day..

Short, yet productive in the hospital. It was only half day, and officially granted by Miss Sweetland. I was shocked when she said it's best to get focused teaching, and then go off at noon and spend the day reading about it. I always thought she was those Consultants who will come after your neck if you didn't stay till 5pm.

She contacted the Vascular surgical team to give me and Sophie teaching sessions today. The Vascular team was having a massive ward round, and it's pretty pointless having us around on the rounds, so the Registrar gave us patients to clerk, and saying that they've got really good signs. It's gonna be a "mini test" for both of us.

So off we went to clerk the patients, and oh boy was it good! Went back to see the guy with the aortic aneurysm, and another guy with chronic leg ischaemia. Definitely both ends of the spectrum for vascular problems. Sophie and I were giving each other a mini exam, but grinding and being critical when the other person's doing an examination, like asking questions for every particular sign that we're examining for, which was kinda helpful in a way. Gives you the confidence and makes you think as you're doing stuffs as well.

Had to present the cases individually to the Registrar. She's a nice lady. I am EXTREMELY surprised with the surgical teams in this hospital. The surgical teams I used to know had loads of attitudes, and Registrars are the biggest pain (they either ar e a bigger pain to me than the Consultants, or just slightly better). I've always thought it was an ego issue, but hey, the teams I meet this time round are way too different. Perhaps their attitude and treatment made me see things differently over these 2 days. I am more motivated to learn, and found stuffs interesting. Learnt a lot too. This Registrar was so kind enough to photocopy the whole chapter of a book about Vascular problems to us. It was a book she highly recommended. I borrowed it from the library yesterday because it's got tons of pictures in it. Was reading about the author just now, and sheesh..he's a BIG shot manz. Ex-president of the Royal College of Surgeons! I didn't get bored reading the book either. Very interestingly written, but due to lack of time, I haven't finish reading the whole chapter yet (it's quite a number of pages). Had to read through the notes I've written up for communication skills tmr.

I must have been terribly exhausted this evening as well. Couldn't keep my eyes open and ended up going into deeeeeep slp for about 2 hours! It was a pain getting up when I realised it was close to 9pm...I just hate it whenever I have to drag myself out of bed when I'm still feeling so tired and sleepy. I'm alright now though.

Oh, I won a bidding for a wallet over ebay! Can't wait to receive it in my mailbox. Always wanted to buy a LV wallet, but it's way tooooo expensive. Some Christian Dior ones caught my eye, but I didn't wanna go for a cloth materialed one, and the one which I fancied was made of white leather (easy to get dirty). Didn't bid for any in the end, but ended up bidding for a pink wallet from Japan. It's damn cute and sweet. :)

Received an email to say that the book I ordered (Sophie's recommendation) has been dispatched. Gosh, I wonder how long it's gonna take to arrive. I hope it'll arrive before the weekend so that I can look through it and do some intensive revision (I hope) over the weekend.

Aiyo..spent so much money over the wallet and book, and I was planning to cut costs by dining out lesser this month, but just when I was supposed to be doing so, I ended up having a 2 course lunch alone at an Italian restaurant in town. BAH! Then again, I miss pasta so much (despite having so much spag bolognese), especially the ones in this restaurant called Ask. I shall go there for dinner one night. Shall find a day with an excuse to have a nice dinner. It'll be best if there's a nice movie to go along, but nowadays..no good shows leh! -.-

I don't have to be in hospital early tmr..yay! What should I do now? More studying? Hmm...or should I happily go watch korean drama again? Read Sun Tze? So exciting..so many choices..which should I go for?

Productive day in Surgery

Bye Medicine, hello Surgery.

Am up in another hospital for surgical placement. It's fantastic that I'm under Miss Sweetland! She's a consultant breast surgeon, so naturally it was Breast Clinic I attended with her this morning. Her clinic's a gooooood experience. My first time in a Breast Clinic. It was good because she was keen to teach me stuffs, and didn't make me feel very stupid either. It was pretty independent as well, as in she made me go in like a doctor to clerk patients independently, after which she will go and see the patient, make me present the history, go through the physical examination with me, and assess the situation from there. I felt that I was doing something productive. :) She also observed me when I did the examination to see if I got it right. I think I'm pretty confident in doing a breast examination now. If only every consultant's like that, I reckon I'll learn a lot.

Clerked a patient today who unfortunately might most probably have breast cancer. She's only in her 40s, and I reckon she was already being bogged down about the lump she had for a mth because I could see that she was holding back her tears when she was telling me her story. Physical examination showed that it was pointing towards a malignancy and it was proven so with her mammogram results. Gonna send her for a core biopsy. It's very unfortunate huh? But a strong lady she was. She was accepting the assumption made well, and was told Miss Sweetland and me that she'll focus more on what she can do to treat it rather than being depressed about it.

Breast cancer's scary. Was reading all about it just now from the Surgical books I borrowed. It's the commonest malignancy in females (even males get it!). It's estimated that 1 out of 11 females have breast cancer. Isn't that scary?

Through one patient, I witnessed the fears she had about her diagnosis. She needed to keep her job, and was worried treatment will prevent her from doing so. She's a single mum of 2 young children, so she really has to keep herself going. And one of the most common problems....cosmetic reasons. She wanted to look like a complete woman. It's something I can never understand..and I must say I still do not understand this point till now. Maybe because I'm not in their shoes (I hope I never will), I am unable to see their point. There are reconstructive methods now, but psychologically, a woman doesn't feel complete. Why is that? Some are fearing that it will lead to a divorce too! Then again, I'm wondering....is the physical appearance the only factor for true love? Can one call that love?

Anyway, afternoon was good as well. The SHO brought us to see patients with really good signs. Gosh, it's the first time I saw someone with an abdominal aortic aneurysm. Very interesting. I was given a "mini test" to do a abdomen examination on a patient today by the SHO too. It was pretty smooth and I was able to explain to her what I was looking out for etc. And she said I did it very well!!! *cheers*

Damn tired today. Must be because I couldn't sleep last night again. Sophie said I should read a book if I can't sleep, which was what I did last night. Sun Tze's War and Management for bedtime story....but instead of getting sleepy, I became more awake!!!! Argh...

Had enuff of reading on Breasts and nothing but Breasts today. Didn't even have another few hrs to revise varicose veins and prepare for my communication skills workshop scheduled this week. Shall rush them tmr..sigh.

Shall try to have an earlier night. Maybe finish half an episode of korean drama? Hhaha...I'm just full of shit...

Don't tell me u noe me cos u DON'T!

1. I don't talk much doesn't mean I am showing attitude but because there is NOTHING which is worth talking about to the other person.

2. I don't give the 'I am DARN interested in listening ya noe?' look because firstly, it is NOT interesting. Second, why do I have to fake that it's interesting when I'm probably off happier watching TV? Thirdly, why do I have to make myself listen to gossips for hours? 4th, do I have to pretend to keep nodding my head like an idiot to show active listening when I'm not even listening?

3. I don't talk doesn't mean I dislike the person or I dread being in a particular place.

4. I don't dislike ppl for no reason. I don't believe in offending anyone unless in the first place, they are giving me the attitude. Simply because why do I have to see their face when I'm not even gonna gain anything from these assholes in the long term?

5. I do admit mistakes when I make them. If I don't, it's NOT because I'm having an attitude problem but because I am dead sure/ not convinced to why I am wrong and have to apologise. I don't apologise for nothing. If I did nothing wrong, you can dream on abt me saying 'Sorry'.

6. I don't talk to my cousins because I am not interested in their brainless conversations, which I will gain nothing but end up vomiting blood.

7. I don't ask some people out because I am 100% confident that I'll get the same reply after dozens of past experiences with the same ppl.

8. I cannot understand why you have to be so defensive over her just because she's bloody 19 yrs old. 19 so?! Big deal! 19 is too young to make decisions?! 19 means u dont know what u want with your life?! Before I even turned 19, have u ever said I was too young to make a decision for my own life? Never! All I get is you being irritated and say I'm dependent and showing how immature I am by not even able to make a decision. I planned my route tt will give me a chance to fight for med sch myself since I was 13. If 19's too young to make a life choice, then why did I get told I'm immature and dependent if I say I'm in confusion and hence, having problems making a choice with my life when I was barely that age? Stop being bias!

9. I am alone because I rather be alone than be with people who piss my ass with their non stop insanity and childish, hence, making me feel very uncomfortable with them. Why should I force myself to always be out with a company that won't make my outing enjoyable? I might end up happier being out alone.

10. Why do I have to make myself go out with a gang when I know for a fact that someone in there dreads my existence around? Not as if I'm freaking gian to be out with them....got freebie for me meh?

11. I am NOT mysterious cos I don't hide my thoughts.

12. I won't waste all my energy on stupid things like trying to convince the entire world to change their opinion about me when in the first place, I am not worth anything to them. If they don't even care about me and my feelings, why bother wasting my time? Likewise, why should I be bothered about them over minor issues? Then again, of what calibre and right do they have to comment about me when I haven't said anything abt them?

13. I do break down when I'm sad, and happens so that some ppl who shouldn't know just happen to know abt it from the san gu liu po ard me. But so? Those who didn't cry in front of u means they don't or never did?

14. I am human too. I can't feel sad? I can't cry when I'm bottled up with tons of stuffs I can't tell u?

15. "Sometimes ppl know u..but u're not aware." Rubbish! If they know me in the first place, they wouldn't say such things about me. They only know the surface, but they sure don't know shit loads abt what's going on beneath.

16. If I don't feel comfortable with a person, u expect me to tell him/her everything abt me? I'm not smart, but I'm not peabrain either.

17. If ppl just happen to not like me before talking to me, what can I do? I didn't put an attitude in the first place. So what should I do? Go "Hey.......I am not like that...u GOTTTA believe me...". Dream on! Who are they?! Ppl who think I'm unworthy of being a friend are unworthy to be mine too.

18. You said I'm not nice? What do u know? You know both sides of the story? I grumble, means I'm not nice? At least I don't scheme behind anyone's back like others.

19. I'm not close to my relatives. Tell me...will it make a difference to my life if I have them and if I don't have them? Do I have anything to gain from it? I don't see myself having their support in the first place..so what's with the 'no more family' issue?

20. I don't like people who aren't simple, but trying to get into ppl's good books (like mine) when I can see their motive through and through. Hence, I don't wish to be associated with such ppl, and won't go allllllllllllll way out to save their asses unless they approach me (which obviously I'll reluctantly help). True enuff, I won't talk hell loads to such individuals because I don't like them. But since when did I reject helping them when they look for me? At least I don't go around pretending to be a saint. If I don't like it, I don't say it, but I won't put a show either.


That's just the way I am. I hate to act. I hate to put on a front to show others that I'm an angel when I am not an angel, and I won't pretend to be one. It's a title I don't deserve for sure.

So don't tell me this and that and claim that you know me...cos if I can tell u straight that you don't....it means I'm dead sure u don't. So what if u noe me more than the rest? Does that give u the right to claim that u KNOW me? Please don't piss me and urself off. Do me a favour by doing yourself a favour.

Be confident! Be Confident!!!!

I guess I must be feeling stressed up without realising it very much because I have been having problems with my sleep for the past few nights despite feeling extremely tired. And last night, I had nightmares. Well..it's a nightmare because I dreamt of clinical examination sequences. I remember myself going "Apex beat..tapping..mitral stenosis....heaves..thrills...1HS, 2HS, murmurs" in my dream..and I actually "watched" myself doing it. My goodness....how bad can this get? And if just on the cardio was not enuff, I actually continued dreaming abt the lungs, abdomen and even on the brain! I wonder if I sleep talk while in dreamland last night. I got up in a shock so many times last night, and hence, I self-declared holiday today..haha..didn't go to the hospital...darn..I'm horrid.

I did some intensive studying on Neuro examination again. What a torture. I was looking expressionless when I was cooking in the kitchen. Then my housemate asked me about my revision. I told him I'm having a nasty time with revising neuro examination, and his reply was "NEURO IS SO EASY!!!!! how can u have a bad time with it? if u test me now...i bet u i won't miss a thing!" (hmm..thanks ah...). So much for that comment. I felt very stupid upon hearing that cos...why do ppl think it's easy when I am having a hard time? I started testing him on it, and he didn't seem to know it as well as I do...and told me to lie my way through if I'm tested...(I'm wondering how long one can lie thru in medicine).

That's the problem with me manz. I tend to look damn stupid in front of people, and I do think I'm stupid too. I seem to have loads to ask, and sometimes some sickening Registrars just refuse to answer my questions, but ask me go check it out myself. And I don't talk much when the docs teach me too, while my other classmates talk loads to show that they know. Hence, I look stupid in a way, and if I do miss a point, I tend to think I'm stupid as well. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I really that dumb I wonder..

I need a dosage of confidence boost :(

***********
Checked out the Sg Arts Fest webby which Darren gave. Wah liew..cool manz! There's gonna be Swan Lake in June!!!!!! Gosh..I wanna watch it. I reckon it's gonna be good. Tickets are expensive though since I'm such a fussy person and always wanna go for the best tix.

Heard from Darren that I'll be able to watch PCK the Musical too...lol. I wanna watch that too!!!!!

Sheesh..I wish I'm back in Sg now manz...argh. Can't wait to go back cos I spotted so many interesting performances from the Sistic site. I'm gonna miss Madame Butterfly's performance. What a waste! I just love that one so much! The one I saw in UK was unforgettable.

And also, Josh's gonna have a performance in May too. I wonder if I'll be able to attend. Cantopop performance. He's been pestering me numerous times about it manz (until I get quite irritated). I hope I'll be able to be back in time to watch him perform.

Is there anyone who wanna go with me to watch any/all of the above performances? Let me know ok? Please don't end up letting me watch them myself...lol....do me a favour by accompanying me?