Racism? Most likely...

Something for me to think about today.

Was talking to Fatimah in school this morning and I realise that maybe...I'm not the only one feeling hurt over being treated differently.

She gave me a very good advice. "Just heck care, Michelle. Don't be hurt."

I've always wondered if I was the only one facing problems with docs with attitude. I've always thought if u're gonna be nice to a person for the first time, the next time, you should be nice too. And I never thought it will kill to say "Hi" if u see a familiar face whom u had a good impression of.

But maybe not everyone thinks the same like me. It's odd, and I never understand why. So many times, when I have teaching sessions with the doctors and they gave me a real good impression as in they're nice and all, somehow I start wondering if they're really so. Simply because the next day when I just happen to bump into them in hospital, they seem to be a different person. Either they just turn away to pretend as if they didn't see you, or won't even bother to smile. And when you say "Hi", sometimes they just ignore. Very rarely, you get one who will smile and say 'Hi' back to you.

I was never a 'people' person, and because I know I'm not, I sort of expect such things to happen. I don't say things to offend the doctors though because I can't. But somehow, the way they behave made me feel like they didn't like me. And I always wonder why, and start thinking back if I did anything wrong without realising it. But I don't think I did, because I don't argue back (I seldom talk in fact) and I did what I was told.

Being ignored when I said 'Hi' hurts me in a way, and probably that's why I never felt welcomed or belonged in UK. And also, I realise that whenever the angmos talk to a group of us, they tend to keep eye contact with everyone but me. Why is that? Cos I'm Chinese? It made me felt as if I was invisible, and just some "follower" when I'm not. I pay my school fees too manz....18 times the locals'...so just in what way do I not deserve the same treatment?

I do feel bothered by it at times, but am slowly trying to cast it aside. I asked Fatimah if I was the only one in such a state, and she told me that she was feeling the same way as me at some stage too. She was so depressed and hurt about it that she cried everyday on the phone when she called her bf or her family. I asked her if there was anything wrong with me, and she asked if I did anything to offend anyone. I thought about it, and told her I didn't. I can't possibly offend anyone when I don't talk, and neither did I show any body language which can cause misunderstandings (cos for a fact, I know I can NEVER offend docs here...why would I get myself into shit?). She then told me that sometimes I can sound harsh, and ppl might get offended because they don't know what kind of person I am. I thought through what she said, and do agree with her. I do sound harsh towards a few people, and I can be harsh if I want to. But when I'm on placements, it's a totally different picture. Even when nurses scold me, I don't even argue back. I just apologise (but I do curse inside lah..cos sometimes it's not my fault!). Trust me manz, if it weren't because I had Consultants around me and because I'm just a pathetic med student, I will tell the nurse that it's not my fault and she didn't have to snap at me like that, in a nice tone of course. Anyway, I definitely swear 'harsh' is not the reason. Couldn't be.

Fatimah then told me the problems she faced. Same as me. And she told me that I should just be heck care abt it. No point getting hurt over worthless people. She also told me that I should accept the fact that we're foreign students, so angmos don't give shit about us. They don't respect us the same way as they do towards their ppl. If I were to think about it that way, then I won't feel hurt anymore. The ultimate thing she said which got me shocked was "Michelle, angmos are not your friends. Don't take them as your friends because they are like that. If they don't respect u the way u deserve it, then why bother? Why let them affect u? I can tell you, Michelle, that angmos are not my pals. My pals are you and the other Asians I know here and in Malaysia. That's all."

Had a short talk with Shim about this issue, and he said "I face it too! Tell me Michelle, which Asian student here doesn't have the same problem? Heck care lah!". He said there was once he said 'Good Morning' to his consultant, and the consultant just turned his head away, refusing to answer.

A BBC I knew on board a flight also told me his experience with Whites when he went to Uni too. He told me that he felt really discriminated against just because he's Chinese. It was so obvious, and he did felt hurt initially, but just couldn't be bothered anymore after a while. My aunt also faced the same treatment when she went to Australia for postgrad training.

With so many people telling me the same thing, I guess I should stop wondering about me being the only one. I should be more heck care. I'm already quite heck care now, but the fact that I still do feel hurt slightly sometimes, goes to show that I should push it up a level higher.

Hopefully, with time, I won't feel anything again. Shall stop finding excuses for them just to make myself better. Not worth it when it's a well known fact that angmos are racist (of course, there r rare exceptions). If I ever graduate and become a doc, I won't do this to medical students. I will be nice to them, and even if they're all angmos, I'll still be nice. I promise I will.

Oh yah, heard from Fatimah that Sikhs hate Chinese a lot...lol. Is it true? Does anyone know?