OH MANZ!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH.....

This post is supposed to be published in the afternoon, but stupid Blogger faced some web difficulties, so as a result, they screwed up my last entry, and now I have to type it again..*peeved*

*****
I decided to check my emails this afternoon cos I have been so lazy to do so that my mailbox is kinda flooded. And it'll probably take me ages to read every mail in there, I shall only read non-forwarded mails. However, there was this email, whose title captured my attention...

"This is what we call handsome"...hur hur..must be one of those eye candy email...no harm done spending a good few minutes checking it out *cheeky smile*

And....

*TADAH*

(Pls ignore Jerry Yan. I'm not an F4 fan....)






Omg..I love Won Bin's smile..how can you not smile if you have someone smiling at u like that...







I love Takuya's sporty look. Looks similar to Benedict Goh in this pic?




I just can't stand them with long hair though...yucks..



I think this pic is nice, but I'm not the kind who likes guys with bods..






I love the pic above.. :)



How's that for eye candy? Muahahahahaha...am so glad I didn't delete this email from Huishan..

These pics came at the right time manz. I was going nuts and smiling when I saw the photos.

Some people are just blessed with the looks to drive girls mad manz....

I think my guy pals who read this are sure to be very turn off...sorry peeps..heez..I was just going a little gaga over it..pardon me :D

Give me 2 years

Yes, Grandpa. Give me 2 more years. I'll bring back my degree. I will try to keep my promise this time. I will try not to let you down anymore. Sorry that I did so this time.

Grandpa was happy to see me today. I didn't dare go visit him on Thursday because of the state I was in. Mum told me he was worried, and was very curious to why I went to Jurong. But he dare not ask too much.

I felt pleased that Grandpa's smiling when he saw me. I'm happy he made it through the operation. I was even more happy when he told me in Teochew, "I'll be able to see you get your degree..2 years you said. Ah Gong will live till then to watch.." Thanks Grandpa.

That was a pact I made with Grandpa the night before he went to have his operation. He was thinking he might not come out alive, and I told him that he's got to come out safely cos he said he's gonna watch me get my degree..he can't just leave like that. He's been brave, and so will I..at least I'll try to be..

******
On the way to the hospital this evening, my parents were asking me about pricing of houses in Cardiff. They are considering either buying a house there for me to stay, or for me to find a comfortable apartment to rent and stay alone.

I'm not sure what made them think this way, especially Dad. Probably it was Prof Kua's suggestion that I should move out of my present place..so that I can have a conducive environment to recover.

Mum didn't really support the idea of me staying in an apartment alone. She rather I stayed with friends. But Dad begged to differ. He felt that things are very difficult for me, especially when I am living in a house of guys who are attached. First, I make other people's gfs insecure. Second, the guys can't take care of me cos they will get into trouble.

Of course, I should be taking care of myself there, which is what I have been doing cos of the above mentioned 2nd reason. But sometimes, we do need people around, especially when you're so ill that you can't get out of bed right?

I thought so too, and that's a reason why I chose to move in with friends initially. However, when there were episodes whereby I fell so ill that I couldn't get up, despite having people in my house, I still found myself having to force myself up and go out to buy my own food, buy my own medicine etc (I can be ill for days, and no one actually noes!), I realised that it doesn't make a difference having people around. So why force myself to live with others? In fact, I think I feel more comfortable having the whole place to myself.

I can decor my place to my own liking. Throw my things anywhere I like. Study anywhere I like etc. My little haven. A place I can call my OWN. A little puppy will be cute..*dreams on* And it'll be perfect having a car (which I have already gotten the green light).

BUT, I've got to consider the rent. Mum is worried if the difference will be much greater than my current one. And....my parents actually came up with this evil idea. They thought of housing a foreign student by converting my room for him/her, and then use the rent of this student to pay for my accomodation in UK. Great idea isn't it? *sarcastic* (I will feel thrown out manz..even my parents dont want me..sobz..)

Dad also reminded me this evening about my aim of returning to UK this time. Now my relationship has come to an end, can I say that I have no more troubles..no more problems anymore? Those of the past still stay, but the current ones..are over. Apart from the past ones, I guess there is nothing else to think much about.

I spent some time thinking about this while listening to some music. I asked myself if I'm ready to return to UK, although the tentative period is in February..which is like 3 mths away.

I feel that I need a break. A break from things around me for a while. I came back to Singapore because I needed a break from things in UK, and now that I am back, I faced something very heartbreaking that I need to find an escape again. There is no where else I can go, so I guess the only place available..and with a reason to go to is to go back to UK. But that's NOT because I love UK. Bo bian....

I have thoughts..thoughts of not returning after graduation. Holidays..I might. But whether it'll be that often like how I always do before will be a question mark. Maybe..I might end up finding myself happier there, maybe I won't. I guess..it's still too early to say. But currently, I'm not resisting the idea about staying there after graduation whenever my parents mention about it.

I know they rather I stay there and bring all of them over. Initially, I had reasons to why I want to come home. And in May, I found an even greater reason to why I have to return. Now that it's all over, I have nothing much holding me back. What makes a place home is where my family is. It doesn't matter where we are isn't it?

So..should one day..I decide not to return back..and bring my family over...can I call and treat UK as my new home?

I still have 2 years+ to make my first big decision...will this time change my current mindset? We'll see..but for now..I think...I should be almost mentally ready to return...

"I don't have a choice", he said.

Same here. If I wasn't forced, believe me, I will never have to go onto this path, and I will never have thought about it too.

As many would have known, I came to another split junction abt 2 months+ ago. I have talked about it to some, but none knows the actual reason, except me. Even though Boon know where the problem lies, he will never know exactly what is it. It's a secret I had promised to keep. I can tell other what the problem is, the way Jason told him, but I shall not reveal it completely. I shall take that as the only reason, whether it's the actual truth, or whether it was a lie..an excuse.

I took the path to going through it alone. It doesn't matter at all whether he is willing to walk it down with me, I'm ok (even though I must admit it hurts knowing that it's a one-man-show). Yet along all this path I took, there were more little openings, all of which will lead to the route I refused to take from the start. I know this will happen, so I refused, and held tightly to my choice. But yesterday, as I went along this path..I didn't realised that it came to a dead end. I didn't know that the split junction I faced, no matter left or right, I will still come to this ending point.

I don't regret having to make those choices. Even though now that I know that ultimately, there is only one endpoint, I must say it's been worthwhile going down this longer path, because part of me felt happy to hold tightly.

Yes, it's over. The chapter is being forced to close. And once again, I have to start pulling myself up together again...

This 2 months+ have been a tiring one. I'm sure there must be a substantial number of people out there jeering at me. Friends whom I had lost. It's alright. I didn't mind losing them anyway, and it will not affect me regardless of how they feel about my situation.

Nevertheless, I must say thanks to 2 pals who accompanied me yesterday, Boon and Kim. It was tough on Boon, having to have him around trying to help me find answers and calming us down when verbal violence started. Kim, who was supposed to go catch his NE Line's train, ended up accompanying me all the way till I went home. I thought he had left for Bedok Interchange, but he ended up following me behind when I went to catch my bus home. I didn't even realise it until I saw him coming up the bus.

It was a pity that I didn't get to see Lemon at NTU yesterday. I wanted to see her badly because I did not know who else to look for. I needed a shoulder.

My parents knew I cried when I got home. They should know I faced something painful again, when I brought back Dad's shoes (Call me superstitious, but did u guys know that it's a bad omen to buy shoes for anyone except your own children? Cos you're cursing them to die. But hey, I think it must be a bad omen to LEND shoes to the one you love too. You're probably cursing them to leave you for good..in the milder way. Ok, that is/might be crap, but I shall NOT lend anyone shoes anymore..). They knew it must be very serious, because I just left the shoe at a corner, ignoring their questions and just went to my room.

My brother came into my room after a while. He sat there patiently, ready to lend me his shoulder, should I break down hard anytime. I did eventually, and without hesitance, he came over and gave me a very big hug.

Soon, I got so drained that I had to sleep. I continued weeping on my bed, while he stayed aside to coax me. I felt ashamed of myself. He's my younger brother, but he's coaxing me like how elder brothers will do to their little sisters. He told me many things, one of which remained deep in my head:

"Come on, go to sleep. Do you know why the gods give humans the ability to sleep? That's because sleeping is a miraculous method of healing. People sleep when they're ill, people sleep when they're tired. You recover when you do so. So Jie, sleep as much as you can. You have to get well.."

Touching isn't it? Mind you, he's only 18... Who bothers to analyse the meaning of sleep, dont you think?

While brushing my teeth, I thought about many things...

1. I shall give up, and must give up asking more whys and feeling pissed about not knowing. Like what Jeff said, sometimes, there are no answers to questions..

2. I can't bring myself to hate him for all that he has done. I know it's wrong to continue defending him and finding more excuses to his actions, because the more I do so, the more I'm hindering my recovery. Truth or lie, I shall and must respect his decision and accept whatever reasons he gave. I still wish him all the best.

3. I shall concentrate fully on my degree.

4. I shall NOT lend guys I love shoes anymore.

5. I shall keep him and the memories he gave me somewhere deep in my heart. I guess it'll be impossible to forget, but hopefully, I will not shed tears over them in the future..

And lastly..

6. I shall stand up from where I fell. A hard one. Not sure how long it'll take. But I will smile again..one day. (If I rantle on about this issue, pls bear with me ok? Take it as my recovery process..)

I shouldn't have...

There are so many things I shouldn't have done today.

1. I should not have overslept, or else I won't miss a precious Jap lesson (JLPT's just abt a mth away)

2. I shouldn't have caught a glance at the date (before midnight). I didn't want to, and I just saw it accidentally. It didn't make me feel good at all.

3. I shouldn't have messaged some ppl, or else I probably won't start thinking if they still regarded me as a friend. But it's ok. I am already prepared to lose these friends when I took that move. No regrets though.

4. I shouldn't have looked into my MSN..and saw this nick my friend has put up. I could have gone to bed already..but why did I go and open up my list to see..what's there to look at anyway?


I feel very dead at the moment. My mind's not clear. I know what I'm thinking about. But I'm trying to brush it aside, but I know my heart's still there..somehow...or else I wouldn't be feeling this way.

It's gonna be the local unis' exam soon.

I can't think, apart from Pin Soon and my cousin Louis, who else is in NUS. But I can think of loads who are in NTU.

I'm sure it's a very stressful moment for my friends and for someone. They must be staying up till wee hours to revise. I hope they will excel in their coming exams. Good luck!

Honestly, I feel quite useless during this period. I think..exam's the time whereby people give one another support, and cheering one another on. I want to do my part by giving someone support too. There's just so much I wish I could do for him.

I wish I could...

Buy food for him
Cheer him up when he's down
Hold his hand and let him know I will be there, just like how he was for me during my exams
Wish his good luck before all his papers
Calm his nerves if he needs me to
Make him smile

It feels bad knowing that I can wish anyone the best of luck, except him. I haven't, and am not able to do anything, not even the slightest bit. Cos I'm afraid..very afraid that anything I do will anger him. I really don't mean it and I don't want to affect him. I want the best for him. Does he know how I'm feeling?

I hope he's well. I hope his revision is going fine. I hope he will keep calm and excel in his exams. I hope he will keep my ring with the other 2 he treasure. I hope he will know that I will always be there..to cheer him on...through every obstacle he faces...

"I know you don't read my blog anymore. But Jason, here's me wishing you good luck for your exams. Do your very best. I'll be supporting you silently always..."

I'm sure Grandpa will be ok

Oh..look! 26th again! Reminds me of........my birthday..coming in 2 months! *hint hint* Bleah.

This morning, I overslept again. Darn it! I slept so early last night, and I still couldn't get up. What the hell is going on manz. Piece of sai. Shall I blame it on my bad night again? And yup, it happened AGAIN last night..%&@#@

Dad came into the room with Grandpa's latest diagnosis (even though I still have tons of questions about his first few admissions yet to be answered). Tumour in his back. Now that tells us why he couldn't walk at all and why the doctor decided to take the risk to do an operation for him.

Cos I was too tired to get out of bed, I actually refused to go and see him at the hospital this morning. Bad of me isn't it? So to make it up a little, I smsed my aunt to fish some latest info. Grandpa's going to have his op done tomorrow under GA (why GA if his lungs are weak..shouldn't LA be considered?). I'm sure my aunt's colleagues will know what's best for him. I'm just a pathetic student with far more limited knowledge afterall.

I'm still tired now manz. Sheesh. My pimples are popping out too, but they're subsiding :) I should sleep earlier and drink more water (I always know what to do with myself best, but I never seem to do it..argh)

Shall get on to my Jap revision..jia you jia you!!!

Hope Grandpa gets well

Before I go on to the main topic, let me digress by mentioning abt my wonderful Sunday, my horrid night, and my cousin's present.

Wonderful Sunday

Fantastic is the word to describe it. I had an enriching day and I enjoyed chatting with this lady very much.

Sunday, my weekly family day, is usually boring (oops..). It's often aimless. One may ask, "Since it's so darn aimless, why bother having it?" Well, cos I treasure my family! I love them! So I MUST MUST MUST put in effort to at least be with them for a day. It's been my rule since young, and I don't intend to rid it.

Anyway, Dad was in a good mood, and my parents wanted to bring me and Fred out to do anything we want. I have been recommending this movie, The Story of the Weeping Camel, to them since I came back from UK. I was telling Mum that this movie is interesting, but will not be liked by locals. But should Singapore bring this movie in, I'll bring her to watch it. And..yes! It's showing in our local cinema!

But Fred didn't wanna watch it, cos he thinks it's gonna be boring (which he still claims to be). So we had a little sibling argument over Ladder 49 and that. Of course, Ladder 49 wouldn't be a boring one. It's one of those American disaster film isn't it? And before watching it, you can roughly guess what it'll be like.

Anyway, it's fated that we didn't get to watch Ladder 49 since only the first 2 rows were available, and Dad didn't want such seats. So my recommended movie was the only choice left. As expected, Fred was sulking all the way. Who cares..lol..

Before going for the movie, Dad wanted to pay his friend, Uncle Paul, a visit cos his wife (Aunt Mary) is ill. She had internal bleeding from a peptic ulcer, which caused a mild heart failure.

I enjoyed talking to Aunt Mary. She's a lovely old lady, but mind you, she can turn real nasty if she doesn't like you. She's got lots of medical problems..cancer..diabetes..slipped disc etc. She'll make the perfect patient to take a history from and to do case studies on. She mentioned so much about her past illnesses, and I was deeply interested in what she said. She talked so much about her signs, symptoms, treatments etc. It was great. I managed to do quite a bit of revision through listening and even learnt new stuffs!

That was not all. It was only in the later part of the conversation that she mentioned that she did ballet and is very into performing arts! Oh my!!! BALLET!!! I got extremely excited upon hearing that. She was so excited when she knew I love ballet too, and started taking out all her past albums to show me her ballet photos. They are beautiful. We also started talking about Andrea Bocelli (hope I didn't spell it wrongly), violins, orchestras and musicals. She shared with me the reason why she love the violin and explain to me her view on the violin's beauty. I guess we both have different reasons to violin appreciation, but nevertheless, I enjoyed her company immensely. She was so kind to lend me 3 CDs too...all on violin. I shall burn them and then return them to her soon.

Great! Now I know who to look for to watch all these performances with me. :)

Horrid Night

Last night was terrible. It was so warm, despite the aircon being at full blast. It isn't supposed to be warm since it has been raining for the past days. I got up feeling so irritated. Tossed and turned, trying to find the best position to sleep in, but just couldn't get to sleep. And before I knew it, the alarm went off..argh~~~

Oh ya, I kinda freaked out cos of the sounds of thunder. I am afraid of thunders. The softer ones are ok, but the loud ones really scare me. It was quite loud this morning.

Cousin's Prezzie

Yay! I bought Seraphina's gift. Walked all the way to Forum just to find toys for her. The toys for kids these days are so lousy. And they are NOT cheap manz. Since there isn't much choices around, I just bought her a cooking set. Quite cute. Hope she likes it. It's quite a big set, and I had problems bringing it home, SO she BETTER like it and appreciate my effort..or else....I'll wack her butt.... *grumpy old spinster look*

Grandpa

He's admitted into hospital for the 3rd time. This time, he might be sent for an operation. No one really knows what is going on. I guess only my aunt and his consultant knows, as they are the only ones who's got medical knowledge and have access to his medical notes. Those nurses refuse to let me take a short peek. Shall have to ask my aunt to explain to me about Grandpa's condition.

For the first time in my life, I saw Grandpa's worried look. I can see that he's worried about his operation, because it is risky at his age and he's surviving on only one lung. Somehow, I know he thinks that he might not get out alive. I feel something seeing Grandpa worried. I told him not to say such things..cos..he still has got to see me graduate from university. It's one of his dreams.

After I told him that, I end up feeling worse because of the reaction I got.

As mentioned in my blog quite some time ago, Grandpa thinks highly of me, and feels proud that I will be following my aunt's footsteps soon. But my gap year makes him think otherwise now. No doubt about it. I know he has lost hope in me, and isn't as proud of me as before. Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but I truly think that Grandpa doesn't feel so excited seeing me anymore. It doesn't feel good.... I guess I just have to hide how I feel and bring back my degree. Hopefully, it will please him...

Ok, lost my mood to blog further. I think I've blogged a great deal tonight already. I'm dead tired....shall turn in now.....good night to me..

Birthdays

Next week's my little cousin's birthday celebration. And this little brat actually thought hard about who she wants to invite to her party. It was Granny who told us that. I haven't bought her a present. I'll try to get them during the weekdays. I'm wondering what will be best. No clothes definitely. She's got too many of them. Maybe toys..cooking ones. She loves the Fisherprice set I've got. It's my favourite set of toys, and I actually still have them with me..in perfect condition. Meant for my future kids (if I ever have any).

The topic of birthdays was then brought up in Dad's car.

My brother is looking forward to his, and he even had his wishlist all planned out. Plus, he has already told who to buy what for his big day..which is in February (so many mths later and he's having plans already...tsk tsk).

Dad doesn't think much of birthdays. To him, it's like any other normal day. True. I can understand why he said so. I'm sure Dad never had a proper birthday celebration when he was young. Long history. It's personal, so I shall not mention about it.

Mine's about 2 mths away. I must say I'm not looking forward to it. In fact, I'm scared. Cos I don't want to know how it'll turn out. I don't like my birthdays, because it just reminds me of how alone I am. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic or what, but I do do do feel this way..serious.

Last yr, I wasn't looking forward to my 21st bday, but it turned out to a simple yet memorable one. I didn't have a big bday bash. Neither did I spend it with friends (I don't every year..partly cos no one's free..and I don't wish to know tt I'm the only one excited..damn sad ya noe?). But I had someone whom took the effort to came over during xmas and spent the whole night at my place just to spend the first few hours of my bday with me. And I didn't expect to receive this lovely bouquet of flowers from Kor the next morning. Boy, was I beaming away that morning.

I must say I enjoyed my bday last year in a way. From someone special last year, I didn't get any proper present (I said proper..haha), but I was happy with what he brought. I really was.

But this year..I wonder...what's it gonna be like? I don't want to think of all the nicest things or any miracles that will happen, because I'm very scared I'll be presented with disappointment and sadness as my presents. Yet, at the same time, I don't wish to start thinking that it'll turn out being a day with absolutely nothing worth remembering.

Honestly, I'm envious of people going out partying the whole night with their friends, have a BIG BIG birthday bash, have a wonderful meal and basically chilling out with their closest buddies. In UK, my classmates all have a big birthday bash, and they will go have a great time together to celebrate. And the bday girl or boy will be cracking their heads months before their bday on how to make it a big and enjoyable one.

I don't have one. Never had one too. Even if I had a party (which I did before..mini one), it never turned out fun, but ended up being one which makes me upset. I don't think there is any birthday party of mine, which I can confidently say "I had the most fantastic time." So far, maybe last year's was better than the rest.

I do know of people who actually wanna start planning something for my bday. I'm touched when one of my friends told me that he will do the planning, while I just relax and enjoy it. I'm very appreciative of the effort, but Im afraid, not this year.

I have a birthday wish. Will it come true?

Then again, my birthday wishes never come true..I'm sure others think so about theirs too. Perhaps..I shouldn't even have a wish. Cos wishes..when they don't realise, they break your heart don't they? Especially when you hope this wish will come true so so badly..

We'll see what it will be like 2 mths later. Maybe..just maybe..a miracle might happen (even though I'm having doubts..)

For Priscilla: Hey girl, your bday's coming yah? Excited about it? I'm sure you'll have a great time with your fiance. I think you can start planning how you're gonna celebrate it already, even though NIE might ruin your planning mood at the moment.

Ever wanted to ask someone to F-OFF eternally?

I have.

I did have this urge to tell people to get out of my life a few times, but this person is the ONLY one whom I have a STRONG urge to not only ask to f-off eternally, but to go kick the bucket as well.

I don't call guys bastards, cos I think it's very evil of me to drag people's parents into the picture, but this person...I really have to say he's a bastard...and I will not feel guilty about naming him so. Couldn't care less about how his parents feel being dragged down for their pathetic son to be named a bastard by me, but I really have to say..I pity his parents big time for having such a son.

I'm sure anyone reading this entry will know that I'm feeling pissed. I was, for only a while.

There is this past about me which I did not mention much to anyone, and I shall not too, because it's a big embarrassment and disgrace to be associated with this person (shall call him CH to make things easier). And I TOTALLY regret it. BIGGEST REGRET!

CH smsed me this afternoon. Goodness gracious. I was expecting NEVER to hear from him again, cos I am not interested in what he has turn into, whether he was alive, dead, killed, etc. Then again, I do think he'll be better off dead (ooops..my devil tail is showing..).

This idiot had gotten out of my life (yes!) in an unexpected way. Ok, I'll admit this. He was one of my exs (darn..i feel like shit mentioning abt my past rship with him). I shall not mention what terrible things he did (they ARE terrible..no doubt about it..and I will not find any reasons to defend his actions cos he does not deserve any understanding and pity of mine). But I'll let you people know that I felt great DITCHING him. Ha! By the way, I'm not the kind of girl who will write bad things about my exs here. I do keep the good memories and I don't think it is nice to mention the bad side of them (if there are any), cos I'm not very nice too. But this ONE is very very very worth mentioning...he should be sent to hell..and I'm sure he will soon.

Anyway, guess what was his first msg?

"Dear, is your bf ard?".....

OMG! Did you see that?!?!?!? DEAR!!!!! Since when am I his dear? I'll rather jump off a building than to be his dear..sheesh. How traumatising. And wat's the "bf" for? What has it gotta do with him? Kaoz...piece of sai..

I didn't know who it was from, and when I scrolled down the msg..there..I saw this familiar number. I have deleted all his contacts from my phone and every msger I have, but that number still rings a bell. I had a gut feeling it must be CH.

At the same time, I thought it might be my other friends whose numbers have not been stored in my hp (I have this bad habit of not storing ppl's new numbers), so I replied..

2nd msg...."I flirted with u, remember?"

DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!? FLIRT!!!!!! For all I know, I do NOT flirt. And I will NOT flirt. I took all my rships seriously, and if this person who msged me this word and even dare admit it can only be CH. Mind you, I hate people taking any rship with me as a flirting experience (then again, I wonder how many took me seriously...)

It felt great "slapping" him over sms. I think he felt damn insulted, but who gives shit about how he feels? I don't, for one. I was being mean lah..gotto admit...but who's gonna blame me for being so towards him??!?!?

I wonder what will his reply be if I put this..."This is her bf here. Leave her alone..get close to her again..and I'll make sure you regret it..don't try me.." That doesn't sound daunting. It isn't meant to be anyway. But the ultimate thing are the words in red. He'll be so insulted cos he MUST be single..with no one giving shit about him. Tsk tsk....awwwww...so not pitiful..

Oh yes, let me tell u something. CH loves boasting to me about how great his gfs after me are. But he doesn't know how brainless he sounds when he's doing that. For example, he icqed me once to tell me his gf is studying in malaysia, in a very famous school. He claims that her school's standards is so high that it's like HCJC and RJC's combined. I didn't bother replying him, but I was wondering.."If it's THAT high, how come no one goes there from Singapore? And how come she doesn't despise you for your low IQ and intelligence? And why do their scholars come here instead of going there?" Lame. Then his pea brain must have told him that I'm probably feeling jealous (which I'm definitely not), that's why he went on sighing and telling me that he's not confident of his new rship blah blah blah ("Oei faggot, do I look like I give a damn? I pity ur gf though..hope she breaks free from this tragedy and curse soon..")

Back to the smses. He stopped msging me after a while. GOOD RIDDANCE.

I hope never to hear from him again. Bastards...I shouldn't give myself wrinkles cos of them..

Hey, you know what? Suddenly, I am wondering if anyone felt this urge of asking me to F-OFF eternally or in any way. I think there should be..lol. Eeeks..I'll be so hurt if I know that there's someone who wants me to F-OFF..and it's gonna hurt more if it's from those I love and truly care about. How heart-breaking.

Crazy day and photographs

I have been bad today. I skipped class this morning cos I overslept.

And cos I had been SO dead tired yesterday, I actually didn't wanna get up till my friend called, in order to prevent himself from waiting like an idiot for me in the afternoon, while I am still slping like a log at home. Alarms don't seem to work for me when I'm over-exhausted. Not even the loudest one.

It was KTV in the afternoon and a day of photo-taking. What a waste that my friend's cam is spoilt (professional heavy sort, mind you..lol), or else I'll have a great time having a professional take photos for me with professional equipment, while I indulge in self-obsession :S. Perhaps, I can even beat Jiao Jiao at that (if you watched super sunday, you probably caught the episode showing his past, whereby he was so obsessed with himself and his singer-ambition that he got his classmate to take photos of him and "cut an album" for himself, using those ugly pics for his cover).

Nahz, I'm not gonna cut an album..oh pls. I sing like shit. And I really did (I always do) when I was at Partyworld.

Someone told me before that Partyworld's cheapest, but doesn't seem like it. My friend and I managed to get free titbits because we had a coupon. Still the bill came up to $18. The drinks are ex though. My pearl milk tea costs $7.50!!!! Goodness...

Apart from horrid singing, it was photo-taking session. My friend started playing with my digicam, and started snapping when I was singing. I look terrible, and the lighting and flash made it worse. I'm having a pimple outbreak....3 ugly red ones..so I look worse than my normal self.

Walked around Chinatown after that. I went there 5 months ago. How fast time flies. Everything was the same, but how I felt was different. The last time I was there, I was damn excited. Took a very lovely photo there then. Even though it wasn't a very sharp one, I still loved it.

My legs were tired, and my friend decided to get his bike. I have NEVER ridden on a motorbike before, and today's my 1st time. I was freaking out initially because I felt very "unprotected"...and I started having wild imaginations of myself falling down from the bike, getting killed on the roads etc. I felt I was putting myself one step closer to death..haha. But my friend assured me that I'll be safe (like as if he noes if anything's gonna happen..you can never predict these things..).

On his bike, he brought me around. I saw places which brought back thoughts, and for a moment, I was keeping quiet. Good thing he didn't realise it. He doesn't know any of my recent happenings, which is good. At least he won't know what I'm thinking about...

Headed for Marina South to watch people play bowling. And it was photos again. We took so many..aiyo..and even went to the arcade to take more! No neoprints or lovegety cards. Just using my digicam. We did stupid poses with guns, cars etc. The pic I loved best was the one we took on some kiddy fire engine..damn cute..lol...

Next, it was to Geylang for dinner. My friend rode through the even number Lorongs to show me where the brothels were. First time seeing it. There were quite a lot of people..dirty-minded ah peks of course..and prostitutes. Anyway, we had Fried Hokkien Mee at one of the Lorongs. I ate quite a lot..2 plates..heez. Then it was home sweet home after dinner. Oh ya! We forgot to take photos of our dinner and of Geylang....I should have taken a few snapshots of brothels..lol.

Talking about photos..I haven't taken it for a long time, and hence, I did not turn on my cam at all. But today, I did. When I was about the keep it after charging it this afternoon, I turned it on to see if my old photos were in there.

To my surprise, the first was a short video. I couldn't even remember that there is one in my cam. I watched it and my tears rolled instantly. It was a silly one filmed when I was studying. I remember being quite irritated by it, and the person who was filming me was giggling when I took my notes to cover my face as the cam came nearer to my face. I miss that giggle. I miss those days..I really really really do...

I went on to look at the other photos. They made me recall days during those few months. Short, yet sweet. Very very sweet....

I'm sure my other friends love looking at their old photos too, and then recalling those days. Photos are meant to help us make these treasured times last forever isn't it? When we forget about it, all we have to do is find those photos, and things we did during then will all come back. We'll be able to experience how we felt during the time when those old photos were taken.

Also, through photos, I guess we can see our growing process. I have seen myself growing from a tiny sausage to the present me. And it's interesting. Serious.

I realised that one can say a lot just by seeing and comparing photos. I compared photos I took in my first yr of uni, and now. Big change. Not sure if others will feel the same when they see it. I still look bubbly (I think) in Yr 1. Then slowly, I started to turn haggard. I look so tired, troubled and worn out in my recent photos. And I think I still do now, even though in all the photos, I still manage to wear a smile.

I do know of people who look bubbly throughout, no matter how stressed they are. Their smile's still as bright as ever, and they are happy everyday. They always look radiant in photos..and I'm envious.

I wonder how my friends feel about their photos...

Maybe we should all go learn and master Adobe Photoshop and be pro like Wendy Cheng. Then we'll always look our best in photos...

Wanna see some photos? Let's see if I can upload them.. pls scroll down the page..

Check out my pinkie guns..orh biang manz

My favourite pic of the day..cute fire engine..

Please use Beautex..and you'll turn beautiful like me..*pui*

I love this orange bowling ball..so bright

Do I have the biker look? Doubt it..lol

Come near me and I'll eat you up..

So closed up manz..check out my bad complexion

Lonely Sunday

This week's Sunday is not family day.

I shouldn't be blogging now, cos by right, I should be on my way to watch a concert..but BLAST IT! TICKETS ARE SOLD OUT.....*huff puff huff puff* Great, so today I'm gonna be a lonely soul.

Parents are off to attend a wedding (why didn't the host invite the whole family? at least I can have a gd time bio-ing girls ya noe?), and my bro's going for bball training, while I'm home alone (with my only programme ruined).

BAH! Never mind..I can find something else to entertain myself..

Talking about weddings, somehow women, like me, are the most troublesome creatures. Cos we have to start worrying about dress, make up, hair, shoes, transport (especially when idiotic guys don't offer to pick up the pretty babe..what the hell is wrong with them?), facial, and the list goes on. If you think only brides are problematic, maybe the female guests are just as bad.

Hur hur..let me tell u why...(sheesh..if Mum reads this..I'm in for hell.. *winks*)

Cos of this wedding dinner, she actually got herself prepared like how many days ago. Remember few days ago, she just went to the salon? Ok, she went there again today, for someone to style up her short hair. Ok lah, not bad. Quite nice.

Then she started worrying for the past few days about dresses (actually I'm also the same :P). So everyday, she's hunting for a nice dress. Thank goodness she bought one on Friday. And started doing her fashion show for me. I got excited also cos new dress for her, means new dress for me (provided it looks my age), but apparently, that dress she bought is nice for my age too! So happily I went to model around in it after her turn...lol..women...tsk tsk..

She started going for her facial (cos of the dinner) on Friday too. Got her pedicure done as well.

And finally...the "day" is here. Tonight. So as one can expect, she came into my room with her new hairdo, and makeup. Pretty Mum I got.

Then..guess wat she told me? Many things..(my thoughts are in italics)

1. Dad ask me not to wear the dress I bought on Friday, cos he say later I look like I belong to the red table. -.- (Wah liew..if it's the case, then u gan chiong on Friday for nothing..buy liao dun wear..so wasted!)

2. Your mascara is so dry..time to get a new one. But then again hor, you need to put meh? Yours are thick enuff (Thanks Mum, I know :) But I'm eyeing MAC's..wanna buy for me? I'm broke ya noe..nope..I'm cheapskate ya noe...I feel heartache even when it comes to buying eyeshadows..no wonder I have the same one for years.)

3. My eyelashes are so short (Ha! Don't be jealous about mine Mummy. I've got Dad's genes for that one)

4. My arms got those ugly marks..aiyo..hurry up put foundation on the back of my arms pls.. (Sure do. Why I inherit this from you and Dad huh? Those marks I'm borned with are fugly)

Before I go on to Number 5, here's what she did..she started taking out all her old black gowns, trying each one, and grumbling..

5. Check out my tummy! SO BIG! So ugly! How ah how ah?! (-.- whats wrong? you want a tummy like a teen? u got 2 kids liao u noe? besides, since when u try flattening it?)

6. WHY I WEAR SO TIGHT?! You look so nice in this dress, but not me! ( wah liew Mummy..I'm only 22 leh...and that dress is quite loose on me, of course it will flow better. it's tight on you, so of course you see layers lah..and hor..isn't that dress yours? if u think u look like sai, then why u buy it in the first place. don't compare u with me lah..aiyo..)

Ok, if anyone who doesn't know me happen to come into this site, then the stranger might imagine me as some sexy babe. But the truth is...I'm not sexy..I got no perfect figure, I'm short and FUGLY. 'Nuff said. I'm feeling depressed enuff for being fugly....SO FUGLY that I don't dare post up my pics, cos cos cos.........I'm worried people will start puking till they suffer from dehydration later..it's fatal ya noe?

Anyway, conclusion is...GIRLS ARE PROBLEMATIC WHEN IT COMES TO FUNCTIONS..I'm no exception. Just not as ultimate as Mum...at least not yet.

I got this wonderful picture from Kor..specially done for me..hehehehhehee. THANKS KOR!!!!

It's so cool manz. I wonder how he did it. But I do look chubby in the photo..or rather wallpaper. I love the smoky image on the left, especially the eyes. I bet he did something to that pair of eyes. I don't have eyes that look like those in anime...but in that wallpaper...it looked somewhat like that! I love that bit best!

Time to go out n chill...last minute date coming up..coolz!

The gift of sight and hearing

Tonight's entry is gonna be a little long. I have so much to say...I think.

Sight and hearing. I feel truly blessed for having these. And I felt even more blessed when I saw these 6 individuals.

I went to watch 2046 on Friday. As it was a 7pm movie, I went to have dinner at McDonalds first. I am not a fastfood girl, but I must say that I quite like their new seafood stuff. And cos I spent quite a lot on myself in the afternoon, I decided that I should eat fastfood rather than go into some fancy restaurant for a real good meal. So off to Mc I went.

It was crowded on a Friday evening, and I was being very stupid by telling the counter girl that I'm eating in, even before finding a seat. As expected, there wasn't any, and I didn't want to approach some stranger and go "Hi. Would you mind if we share the table?". It's ok to do that in a hawker centre, but I have yet done such things in Mc, and I think it's gonna look awkward. Besides, those tables with "available" seats are occupied by guys..as in 1 guy per table. And what would people think if I went up to him and ask to share the table? I definitely don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Worse if I asked, and then out of the blue, his gf came over (you'll know why I said this in a bit)....*rolls eyes*

Anyway, back to me feeling blessed.

Cos the only pathetic seats were the ones darn near the counters, I just happily sat there and enjoy my McDippers. Next to where I was, were 6 handicapped people. They were having a gathering. I found one looking a little abnormal, so being the curious me, I took a few more glances at him. Good thing he didn't notice, or maybe he did, but didn't bother about me. I then realised he's communicating with the others around him in sign language. Soon, I realised that all the others with him were all doing the same. They can't talk, and I suppose they can't hear too.

I wanted to look more at them, cos I wanted to study them...physically and emotionally. But I didn't want them to feel odd, so I refrained myself, and while eating, I sank into deep thoughts.

What a coincidence. Just a few days ago, I was sitting down and asking myself this question. At the Bond concert, I asked myself this again. I asked myself...what would life be like for me if I were to lose my sight and/or my ability to hear. I sat down and wondered.

Being a person who loves the arts, I think I will feel extremely depressed.

For these people, they can still see. But they can't hear. If I can't hear, I wouldn't be able to enjoy music. I wouldn't be able to move my feet with music. I wouldn't feel the urge to dance with it. Music would never be part of my life...and never will be. Worse if I was borned deaf. I wouldn't even know what music is, how it's like, what kind of joy it can bring. If I became deaf at a later age, then maybe I will still be able to play it in my head. I reckon that was how Beethoven composed his pieces. He must have "heard" his pieces in his head, and then pen them down.

Then I went on to ask myself about sight. Ballet's my love, my passion. If I were borned blind, I won't know what dance is. Anyone can describe and tell me how wonderful ballet is, but I won't be able to see it. I can imagine it, but I won't be able to find out if my imagination is real..if it's true. I won't be able to dance too. If I became blind at a later stage, I will be given the benefit of knowing what ballet is, but the emotionally traumatising thing would be..I won't be able to dance anymore, and I won't be able to watch it. I won't be able to see anyone too.

I wonder how many believe in this. One's eyes can tell you many many things. Have you ever noticed that sometimes, when you ask a person about what is troubling him/her, and when he/she doesn't answer you, you can see them he/she is going through a lot..and is feeling very very sad..just by looking right into their eyes? No matter how they try to hide it, their eyes betray them totally.

If I lose my sight, I won't be able to see other's eyes anymore. I won't be able to see the ones I love. I can only try to feel how they feel..which I think is risky. I rather see than to feel my own way through.

What do you people think? Comments..can leave them in the comments area. That "comment" function is VERY underutilised. (How come everyone rather use the tagboard ha?)

Don't you feel fortunate now that you're able to read my blog (cos you can SEE) and hear your mum's nags (cos you can HEAR)? I certainly do.

Ok. Next topic. My TAKUYA CRAZE. "Not again??!?!?!" I hear. Errr..yah..not again...TOO BAD.

It was triple SIAO day for me on Friday. I went gaga thrice:

1. you Weekly
2. i Weekly
3. 2046 movie

I headed for the newsstand near Heeren before Jap class. I thought maybe they will sell it, but they had the one with Maggie on the cover. I asked the guy if he's got the Takuya one, and he luffed and said, "Sold out already". -.- Luff simi luff...bleah.. He told me to try Kinokuniya. BUT BUT BUT...I bought something before leaving :) My consolation for not being able to find the Takuya cover....and that is "you weekly". Cos the cover also got Takuya..ha!

After that, horrid Michelle became a very bad student on that day. She left her bag in class, and then she just ran away from the class, to go to Kinokuniya. And there wasn't the Takuya one there too. Never mind. She shall not give up. So down she went to the basement to find another shop. None too. Great...

I was damn sianz liao..spoil mood manz. I went back to class, but I was still feeling pleased with my consolation mag.

After class, I continued searching for it. None at 7 Eleven too. Then this very nice auntie told me the Indian "store" outside Dhoby Ghaut MRT might have. So I ran there..yah..I RAN (chong ah!!!!!!!!!!!". And.....tada!!!!!! There was Takuya on the cover! I happily bought it, and was actually hopping around. Even the Indian uncle know I'm elated. He gave me a smile..heez. Thank you uncle!!!!

I was smiling like an idiot on the road too..and hugging my mag (heng, I didn't kiss my mag..). The people next to me must be thinking I'm crazy. WHO CARES?!

Then I headed to do my brows..and when I was doing it, this silly thought came into my head. Without much consideration, I went ahead with it. Pedicure.

First time doing it, and it was...exciting. But so freaky long. It was nicely painted with a sweet pink, but I felt so uncomfortable seeing the new look on my toes, I asked the lady to changed it to a very very nude colour. And it's as good as never put..not obvious at all. I'll be more daring after a few sessions. Will be waiting to put SIA's signature red one day.

Manicure will be done in maybe a month? Nails too short, too ugly also..heez. Will see how things go.

Now to the movie. 2046. The show's not nice. So much sex and intimate scenes. I felt so sianz, and I wanted to leave...couldn't wait for it to end. But I didn't leave cos I wanted to see more of Takuya. I got excited when he appeared in the movie. He's damn handsome inside. I like his look when he was the guest in the hotel..and when he was wearing this white shirt with his sleeves folded up.

In the show, the cheongsams are so beautiful. Have I ever mentioned that I love cheongsams? I'm aiming to make one one day when I get married (if I ever get married). It'll be great to get one very nice piece done in Shanghai. Zhang Ziyi look damn good in the movie. I love her clothes and hairdo. So classy and glamourous. Too bad I'm not blessed with that to-kill-figure, height and looks.

Suddenly, my cupboard's full of "new" clothes. My brother threw me all his old clothes, which he can't fit in anymore. Will wear them at home. They're so baggy..comfy manz. And for those rugby tops, the sleeves are too short, but the body part fits well. Doesn't matter cos I'll push the sleeves up..so it'll look like it's for my size. No one will know. Yay..new clothes to wear. But I should learn to dress more like a girl..as in wear more feminine clothes...like dresses.

Oh! I forgot to mention about the "gf" issue. Sorry!!!

Here's what happened..

I went to watch 2046 myself. Happily sat down. Then came this guy alone..note..he was ALONE. He didn't sit beside me, but next to the one next to me. I thought he was gonna watch the movie alone too and the seat between us will be empty. I never like putting my bag on floors outside (unless I got no choice), so I placed my bag on that empty seat. He didn't say anything, didn't look at me too. I took it as he didn't mind.

Then after a while, this girl came and I let her through. I thought she was sitting somewhere else in my row, but nope, it was that seat and that guy's her bf! When she saw that my bag was on that seat, she gave me a fierce stare. OEI CHAR BOR, WHAT'S THAT LOOK FOR?! She opened her eyes so big, as if she wanted to eat me up! The look she gave was like...erm..as if someone stole her bf from her before her very eyes and invited her to watch it. Since I was wrong, I apologised and took my bag away. She continued having that look on her face and sat down in a buay song manner. I was then thinking, "Oei woman, u gimme ur bf for free also I don't want. And wipe that fucked up look from your face. I do have this urge of slapping you ya noe? Wanna kiss my ass?"

*clears throat* ok, that was evil of me. I should more peace-loving...

Check out my angel wings! Just kidding lah. I've actually got a long speare-headed tail.

Bond Concert

This entry's gonna be a fast one, as I'm rushing off to bed. Getting real late. I should learn to sleep earlier. I just hate the feeling of waking up feeling tired.

Anyway, I went to watch Bond LIVE in concert this evening at Suntec City's Convention Hall. My parents went with me. How nice of them. Got the cheapest seats though, cos Mum went along. Ok, this was how it turned out from the $90 tix to the $60 one.

Initially, it was suppose to be just Dad and me going for it. I guess Dad just didn't like the idea of me going alone (I think he thinks I'm pathetic if I go myself...hahaha..). We planned to get the $90 seats. I did ask if Mum wants to come along, but she wasn't keen. Fair enuff. Then this afternoon, she suddenly changed her mind and said she wants to join us for the concert. And she sort of became 'in charge' of booking tickets (it was suppose to be Dad's job). And then, she told the lady she wants the $60 seats!!!!!! -.- Reason being, if we save $30 for each ticket, $90 can give us a good meal.

Good enough a reason? Here's me trying to be mean...pardon me. *Clears throat* If Mum didn't go, then with the same amt of money, Dad and I can go for the $90 seats. Hahaha..ok..that was not funny. Very bad of me to think of this. I'm sure it'll hurt Mum's feelings if she finds out this evil thought of mine.

I was quite unhappy abt this change cos I was not informed of it. I'm not unhappy abt the cheapest seats, but for some strange reason, I would have preferred if Mum told me earlier.

How was the concert, you may ask..

It was.....OK lah. I think I enjoyed my Vanessa Mae concert in Cardiff better.

The punctuality of this concert was TERRIBLE. Made me wait like an idiot for more than 30 minutes! It was supposed to start at 8pm..and by right, it should START at 8PM on the dot. This is called PROPER etiquette, but somehow, Singaporeans have a problem with that. Wait, I'm not a punctual person myself, but for these events, trust me, I'm punctual 99% of the time, and I HATE people being late for such things, and slowly stream in like as if they are some VIP. Even VIPs should be punctual no?

I got quite irritated even before the concert started because of this. Feels like as if it was some chinese wedding..where some people are damn freaky late and don't even feel embarrassed about it at all.

Next was dressing. Some went in with slippers. NOT cinderella's slippers, but as in those you wear to market. WTH! I'm not trying to be snob, but again, ETIQUETTE!!! AIYO!!!!! *faints* Then some went in with tees which are washed till rotten, some even in shorts! Goodness, they think they're going to hawker centre isit? For goodness sake, don't these people have at least a pair of decent pants/jeans or skirt and a decent top?

Then the 3rd thing which irritated me was cameras flashing! HELLO?!?!??! It was clearly stated that NO cameras are allowed, and no shootings, but apparently, either these people are blind, or don't understand english. For some strange reason again, I felt irritated with the flashes when the concert started.

I should stop grumbling huh. Ok, enuff said about etiquette.

Now, for the concert. There was volume, but no kick. The background music was TOO loud, drowning the sounds of the strings. Several times, you've got to struggle to hear the Bond girls playing, and at times, you can see them struggling to be louder than the background music.

I enjoyed it most when they played individually. It's only then each of them can really show what they are capable of. They are fantastic as an individual, but their individual talent are much diminished when put together. They don't lack the coordination, but each string instrument's unable to stand out itself (apart from the main one that is). When they play individual, you can feel the music come alive and the girl's confidence in performance. The sound is so rich, vibrant and full of confidence. Marvellous.

Yet, when these 4 talents are made to play together, despite music sounding 'right', it gives you the feeling that there is a lack of vibrancy, a lack of confidence, lack of equality and uniformity. Hence, making some parts sound 'complicated', rather than impressive. I wonder how many people understand what I mean. Hmm..anyway, Dad and I shared the same views.

Overall, I'm fine with the concert. Enjoyed some pieces they played. Dad didn't find it impressive (his expectations are damn high..), and was not totally enjoying it. Mum preferred music the classical and traditional way, and Bond isn't such a group. So you can guess her view about it. She only enjoyed the part whereby there was no background music, and the girls using the traditional strings. I don't think she liked it when they changed to using electric ones.

Hey, there is something I found interesting about this concert. I was quite surprised that there are quite a number of young kids. Their parents brought them for the concert. How nice. Very good. More should try to bring arts into life of children. If I ever have kids, I'll definitely expose them to arts. It's such a wonderful thing.

Digressing now.

I did quite a bit of studying after coming home. Was studying Japanese vocab. It's a damn bloody long list manz. Never mind. Patience. I can do it! JLPT's coming soon. I must do very well for it. What is there to look forward to apart from grades now? Tell you blogders something about me, people get the kick with high scores for games...I get the kick when I score well in exams. That's why I HATE DOING BADLY IN SCHOOL, OR FOR ANY BLOODY EXAM (which unfortunately happens at times... ^%$#!%)

Aiming to register for French exam too. For what? For the kick lah! DUH! Watch how I breeze through them in December..hur hur...(I think damn highly of myself hor?)

Kimura Takuya Craze

Takuya...oh...my TAKUYA....

You should check out my dreamy look... *dreammmzzzzzz*......*salivates*..

*Clears throat* Ok, I was being gross there. I shall SLURP back all my saliva...oh manz..check out that pool of saliva on my table..

Yes! I'm going to buy the latest issue of i-Weekly..and I'm gonna watch 2046. Why? Tsk tsk..cos....cos...cos....cos.....there is TAKUYA!!!! People who know me very well will know how I look/react when you show me photos of Takuya. Darlie would love to let me be their mascot.

I wanted to put up a photo of Takuya here, but I still have no idea how to post photos up the blog..as in together with my blog text, so for curious people, pls visit this addy to see who this person is (tell me what ya think hor? negative comments are NOT welcomed):

http://www.boxup.com/gb/photogallery/album/1000/13/album390_1.htm

Eye candy hor? Those who don't agree....ur comments are not welcomed or gonna be appreciated.... *cheeky grinz*

I just found out that the movie is out. Sheesh, I'll go catch it...myself... Don't say "Mich, how come you're so pathetic? Going to watch a movie urself?". I'm NOT pathetic, and I have my reasons for wanting to watch this movie alone...reason not to be disclosed.

Oh! It's 13th today..ok..before midnight that is..exactly one month to Takuya's birthday. And I can't remember how old he's gonna be..32 isit? Wateva..I don't give shit..not as if he's gonna celebrate it with me. Tsk tsk, this guy doesn't know what he is missing by not having me by his side on his birthday...

Time to digress.

Accompanied Mum to the hair salon today. I was tempted to get my hair done too. For what reason, I don't know. I just want a new look.

When Mum was having her hair washed, I asked her hairdresser what style would she recommend if I want to get my hair done. She advised me to keep my hair longer by 6 inches! Gosh, how long will that take manz?! She said she can't do much with my hair length. Quite true also lah hor? My hair isn't too long, neither is it too short now. She said when my hair's much longer, she'll change it for me to the style she thinks I should go for. Hur hur..to what then? Make a guess....*winks*








Jolin Cai Yi Ling's 'Kan Wo 72 Bian' hairstyle.


Unfortunately, I'm not able to find a proper weblink to show you what that hairstyle is like. Let me try to describe it briefly. Very side parting, rather long straight fringe, dyed medium to light brown, curls at the end.

I found it nice anyway. So might give it a shot when my hair's longer.

I didn't have any intention to dye my hair, but the hairdresser said I've got the 'need to dye brown hair' look..Geez. But I do hate the black bits growing out after some time. And if I'm ever gonna change my hair into that style, I think my natural hair colour make it suck. Also, she said I should not keep my present parting..go for a very heavy side one..hmm...

Most importantly, those curls better look and be soft. I can't imagine having afro hair...

Ok, so I have set who to be my next hairdresser. If she's good, then I'll probably be her loyal customer.

Oh ya, forgot to mention..I love that hairdresser's hair. I have seen her twice only, each time with her having a different hairstyle, and her hairstyles' are VERY pretty...makes her look damn good.

Gonna watch Bond's live concert later with Dad. Should I go for Emi Fujita's on Sunday too? No family day this Sunday anyway, since my parents are going for a wedding dinner...so no special reason to be home..isit ok to say so? *ponders*

I have changed huh...I guess I did..

Just 5 minutes lying on my bed and I decided to jump out of it to blog this down.

On my way home, in the car, I told my parents, "It's wonderful watching Fred grow up". I mean it. I watched him grow, from the cute handsome baby till he's all tall and motivated now. 18 years of being siblings. Although I must say I really find him annoying for dunno how many years, I'm still proud of having him as a brother...and more proud of it now.

Yet, at the same time, I felt more and more disappointed with myself for not being a good sister, for not being a good example. I thought I have always been the better one, and at one stage, I despise my brother, because I found him useless and a great disappointment...the black sheep of the family.

But as he grew, I thought otherwise. I never gave my parents much of a problem, while he did all the time. Even though my grades weren't good, they weren't exceptionally bad either. But Fred got into all types of trouble...poor grades, not doing homework, setting up his 'trading business' which got him into big shit with my parents and the school authorities.

Being the eldest, I should be the one taking lead, teaching my brother what's right and what's wrong. But it seemed to be the other way round. My brother had a clear view of his path, while mine is slowly fading right before me, and I'm not the least concerned in some ways.

With his recent achievements in school, I feel very happy for him. So does my parents. I'm not too concerned about myself actually. My brother's more important. I don't show it, but I do feel his pain when he's down, and I do feel his joy when he succeeds.

Anyway, I can feel that my parents are very proud of him and happy that he's finally working hard. The whole evening, they were talking about him to Granny. Nothing but praises, and oh boy did my parents look happy.

Then, just when Mum was happily talking to Granny about Fred, she accidentally mentioned this incident when Fred heard Dad sighing in the bedroom. He thought it was work stress, and asked Dad if he was feeling pressured. "Nope son. As a child grows up, the kind of problems they bring to parents get bigger too." claimed Dad. Fred thought Dad was unhappy with him, and was eagerly trying to find the reason why that was so. But the "child" mentioned wasn't Fred. It was me.

I must have been such a disappointment and a let down that even Dad sighed. I'm sure he never did that before. I just got myself into all kinds of trouble, especially these few mths. This, made me feel real useless and lousy. I lost my confidence, my bubbly self (which so many told me)....I feel like a totally changed person, and the worst thing is, I'm not even wanting to find it back. I wish there was more motivation and enthusiasm in me. The only thing I wanted was just to stay in my own pigsty and keep away from people. I'm sure some of my friends felt it when they ask me out or ring me up.

I chatted with Lemon this afternoon. Nice of her to initiate the conversation online. I didn't want to talk to anybody else, and it would be rude to ignore her, so I replied. Plus the bonus thing is, she's a girl...don't have to set boundaries...don't have restrictions.

We covered many issues. Mostly serious ones. I told her something about myself which I felt shy about. I told her how I felt, and what went through my mind during those times...not all..but just generally. I didn't tell her my "secret" though, as well as the "secret" I promised to keep. I sensed she was shocked because she didn't know these things although we've been friends since JC.

She told me I've changed. I'm no longer the bubbly Michelle she knew (even my friends whom I knew for a few months told me so...sheesh..how did they noe?! was it that obvious?!?!). And said she suddenly remember me telling her once, when we were in JC, that I'm gu pi. I won't forget that..I really told her I was gu pi...and her reaction? She couldn't stop luffing -.- . I guess she probably thought that will be the last thing that will happen to me. But today, she said I've became quite gu pi!!!!!!

Like most of my chats with her ever since JC, at the end of serious topics, comes rubbish. We talked about our days in TJC, and she tried to make me see how bubbly I was during then cos seriously, I can't really remember how I was like before. As we started talking abt it, I managed to smile a little, and giggled. Now, I knew how terrible, mean and playful I was then.

That was me before. Compared to present me, seems like a drastic difference..

That's how I spent my weekdays this week..

Isn't it fast? It's Friday again, my used-to-be favourite day of the week...

I remember telling people around me I love Fridays and Saturdays, but Fridays' the best among the 2 days. I dislike Sundays.

I love Fridays because it's the day I can spend time with the one I love, and not having to worry about the next day. I dun like Sundays cos everything has to end early, due to busy Mondays for everyone.

But Fridays are not special to me anymore. It's just a day I can afford to sleep more at night because I don't have to go to class the next day.

I haven't been online much for the past few days. Tuesday..I couldnt get up for class. Wednesday, I couldn't again because I felt uncomfortable. But I didn't want to miss class again, so I thought I'll join the afternoon class then go straight for French after that. I took for granted there would be noon classes on Wednesdays, so I just went to Orchard without ringing the school. Forced myself up, but I felt very uncomfortable. Didn't tell anyone about it and just went to school after eating the porridge Mum cooked.

I only knew on Wednesdays, there are no classes in the afternoon, so I had no where to go. I decided to pay Joshua a visit at his piano studio, and to pass him the card his student made for him, which he told me to keep for him about a week ago.

His studio was small. There wasn't place to walk at all. He was practising his concert piece, while I just sat quietly at the corner studying Japanese. I was very quiet in the studio, cos I don't feel well. When I got bored, I took out some of his pop music scores and played them.

I felt more and more uncomfortable, and was shivering. I thought it was the aircon, until I realised that my tummy wasn't feeling ok too. Waited till it was his break time before we decided to have dinner. He wasn't feeling hungry, but I insisted on going for dinner cos I know my gastritis was back again. I needed to eat.

Just as I walked out of Funan, under the hot weather, I was still shivering. I knew it wasn't the aircon this time. I must be running a fever soon. I didn't tell him, but just requested to stand outside under the heat for a while. I told him the aircon's cold, and he said it isn't.

My tummy hurt more and more, and I didn't care anymore. I have to eat immediately. Went to order a plate of hor fun, and I felt very touched when Joshua placed this boiling hot cup of Milo in front of me. It felt so nice holding it in my hands...and that feeling of the hot Milo going down my throat was wonderful.

However, I didn't feel better after the Milo and hor fun. My tummy hurt more. I wanted to vomit very badly, and couldn't walk much. Walked to Guardian to buy Veragel, cos I forgot to bring mine along. Popped 2 pills, and was praying hard it will go away.

As Josh had to teach a student at his studio, and it was still too early for me to go to French class, he thought it would be better if I took a very very short nap in his studio before he walk me to class. He made the surroundings very comfy for me by turning on the music I like and turning off the lights so that I can sleep, while he will go to another studio to teach. But I didn't want to sleep, so after he left, I turned the lights on and played the piano again.

Soon, he came back, saying that most likely his student won't be coming and he will spend the remaining time I have left before French class by being my jukebox. He played and played and played the piano for me while I rested. I was in a dilemma. I didn't know if I should go home or force myself to go for French, because I felt terrible. Anyway, I am very thankful for the concern Josh gave. He's been a nice pal. A good friend worth keeping, but no way am I going too near...I still know who my heart belongs to.

I was worried about missing out lots if I don't attend class, and thought I will just tolerate 2-3 hours more. But one hour into the class, and I just got up and left the class. Halted a taxi on the road and called Mum to open the gate for me when I was on my way home.

I didn't say anything much when I reached home. Mum kept asking me what's wrong, and I told her my tummy hurts and told her not to talk to me anymore cos I am feeling terrible.

I just changed and went straight to sleep. But it was difficult going to sleep, because I was shivering like crazy, despite having my thick quilt over me.

Few hours later, Mum came up to my room to check on me, and asked if my tummy still hurts. I couldn't talk much, and my parents just sent me to the hospital immediately. I was having high fever too.

Thank goodness I didn't have to be admitted. Was given gastritis medicine and painkillers. I just went to bed again after I got home. Didn't go to school on Thursday, and today too.

The only thing I did on Thursday was to go to TTSH for my lung function test. Am glad I'm negative for asthma. But that will also mean the diagnosis for my chronic cough is not made. The lab staff did a skin prick test on me. 26 needle pricks...but it isn't as daunting as how it sounds. Now I know how it's like for patients who do skin prick tests. I showed some reactions to certain allergens. Mites, cockroaches, Acacia spp, and fungal spores. Amazing, I didn't even know these things affect me.

I am feeling better these 2 days, just a bit weak. No appetite though. Mum made me this bowl of porridge..the sticky type with meat inside. It was delicious, but it reminded me of something too.

It reminded me of that bowl of porridge I brought to his house when he was having diarrhoea. Although I didn't know if he enjoyed eating it, but am glad to see him at least eating a little..it's better than watching him weak and not eating. Actually, that bowl of porridge was mine..but I wanted to give it to him. I would have cooked him a bowl of porridge if I wasn't rushing for time then. I didn't know what else I could do to look after him when he's ill, so giving him my share was the only thing I could do.

To be honest, I was feeling hungry when I watched him eat it. I think I didn't tell him I was hungry, but I did tell him that the porridge was mine originally, and that I gave it to him, only after he ate it. Although I felt a bit heart ache cos he didn't finish it (and I was hungry..), but I still felt happy about being able to do something for him. I felt very very very xing fu...really...

I spent the whole day watching VCD. Then suddenly, xiao long baos came into my head. I haven't had that for a long time, but call me fussy, I didn't have the urge to have it with anyone else. For some strange reason, the taste..the enjoyment..the atmosphere..the joy of eating xiao long baos seem to be different when eating with others.

I remember those days we'll challenge and see who succeeds in holding the xiao long bao properly without it breaking apart. Somehow, the xiao long baos he hold will break apart, and there I will be jeering at his lousy skills. Also, I still remember how excited we would be each time we enter Crystal Jade. "Auntie!!!!! SAN XIAN CHAO FAN, HAI YOU XIAO LONG BAO 3 LONG!!!!" was our standard order. I'm sure if we became very frequent customers, the waitresses will know what we want each time they see us.

You know what I wish for at the moment? Xiao Long Bao from Crystal Jade from no one else, except from him...

I miss him a lot a lot a lot. What should I do when I feel this way? Wo xin li zhen de hao tong hao tong...

Not another one of those nights..

EAT SHIT MANZ! -.-

It's one of those tossing and turning nights whereby I can't go to sleep..pissing the hell out of me.

What am I thinking manz?! No, I should say...WHAT'S THERE TO THINK?!

My mind's not clear enough definitely. I worry about today, tomorrow, the next day..everyday...when there's nothing to worry actually. What the hell is wrong with me?

I haven't had a real good night's sleep for a while..as in those with a smile on my face, nicely cuddled up, feeling secured. It's draining away my energy, and I don't feel much better even if I sleep more than 8 hours. The only time I really doze and not wanna wake up is on the bus.

Actually, I felt so tired this morning that I skipped Jap class. Trust me, I have set my alarm and wanted to get up, but I just couldn't. My eyes just couldn't open at all. Body aching as well.

Last night, I had problems sleeping too. My aircon was put on full blast, but my body was feeling so warm...so so warm that I couldn't stand it and decided to get up and watch VCD. And now, the same thing. But I'm not gonna watch another episode tonight. I have to try to sleep.

The moment I lay on my bed, so many things came into my mind. The past, the present, the future. My worries, my fears. I don't even know why I even allow myself to think about them, but they just came flooding in.

Today, I visited Grandpa at the hospital. He got admitted again for a MRI scan. He told me that 8 medical students who are in their 3rd year came to take a history from him. Then...

Grandpa: Don't think of so many things. Or else how to study?
Me: *silence*
Grandpa: Louis is gonna become a doctor in May..he's in final yr now u noe?
Me: *silence*
Grandpa: If you had gone back to UK, you'll be in 4th yr now right?
Me: Ya...

Yup, I felt useless and extremely demoralised.

It wasn't over. Mum brought the topic, medicine, up again during dinner.

Mum: Dr. Lim asked what you are doing now that you are taking a gap year. I think he's wondering how come you're not doing some attachment. I think he's worried that you will forget everything after these few months.
Me: *silence*
Mum: Honestly, do you still like medicine?
Me: If you continue querying me about it, then maybe I will start disliking it.

I don't wish to be reminded cos I don't need reminders. I know what is happening to me, and I'm dead clear about it. When I don't cry, it doesn't mean I don't feel a thing. I think my silence says it all, but somehow, people don't get it...they really really don't..

I know perhaps they aren't so sensitive towards my feelings, and I don't blame them. But I do feel bad...


I have no idea why I am losing interest in doing things. I used to love interacting with my friends, but not now. I just want to be alone. I appreciated the smses I receive, but when I get told what to do with myself, I start losing my cool. It's not that I think the advice given to me are wrong, but I'm not in the mood to carry them out, not interested in carrying them out. I just want my fair share of peace and quiet. I will appreciate anything else apart from telling me what to do, because I do know what to do and what I should do. However, I don't wish to do them...at least not now..not for the time being...

Sheesh...what am I rambling about..what has medicine gotto do with my interaction with pals????...shows how messed up my mind is now......sigh...very bad and wrong timing....

Time for a 2nd attempt to sleep. I definitely don't wish to doze off on the table in some fast-food restaurant again later...

Asthma?!?!?! ME?!?!?!?!?!

"Fruitful" gathering because I might be getting a diagnosis for my crazy cough soon! That cough that never goes away...

My aunt was around when I was at Grandpa's. She's aware that I'm having this mad cough for months and months and months cos Grandpa's always nagging at me about it, telling me to drink more bird's nest, more cod liver oil, go see a sinseh (cos angmo medicine don't work...yah yah...then how come you're taking those medications prescribed by my aunt?) etc etc etc. I heard it so many times, that I can memorise and repeat everything he says. Thanks for the concern though.

Just as he was nagging AGAIN, Aunt popped her head out of the room and said, "Do you have asthma?" "Nope!", I replied. She told me most probably I have it, and I might want to go down to TTSH's respiratory lab for a check..do a spirometry check. She's gonna book an appointment for me next week.

She calls it some cough variant of asthma, not the typical wheezing kind you see. And my attacks are non-stop coughing fits which will never get well..and even if it does, it comes back again and again. Treatment? Use Ventolin Inhaler...argh...

Ok, actually it's just an inhaler isn't it? But still, it's a drug! And I think I have been taking ENOUGH drugs over the past dunno how long. Now that I finally don't have to take ANYTHING ANYMORE, I'm given this so so fantastic surprise (oh boy, don;t I luuurrrrvvvvveeee surprises...) that maybe I'll have to start using Ventolin. Spray it when I'm having those fits..meaning I have to bring that inhaler whereever I go...what a pain..

Will see what the results will show when I get my spirometry test done. I hope I'm not asthmatic...

Let her cook it HERSELF!

I am supposed to be in the kitchen cooking those vegetables, but hey, what am I doing here in front of my computer?! Who's gonna manage that burning wok with various veges in it? No one else, but MUM.......

I'm boiling to my max at the moment, and I REGRET..TOTALLY FUCKING REGRET...letting her watch me do it. I knew this would happen.

I was feeling damn lethargic this morning cos I had a nightmare last night. Shit! Woke up feeling damn depressed, but NO NO, I'm gonna wear a big smile and cook up something for the family gathering (geez..wish one nv existed). So happily, I went downstairs after washing up, making sure the ingredients are fine, and if the quantity would be enough for that dreadful party of 24.

Mum said she wanna supervise cos her stove is spoiling soon (not the first time...). Fine. I'll let her and I warned her not to stand at that corner and comment endlessly (which she did the other time I cooked fried noodles for the family), pissing me off. She said she won't. Great! Let's see what happened....

There I went to the kitchen, with her starting the fire and placing everything I needed. I told her she forgot to take out the oyster sauce and sesame oil......and..................

"Sesame oil for what?! I never put sesame oil when I fry vege. Later gonna stink ur vege if you put too much!!!!! You must know that you cook in UK is different from cooking here..cos the sesame oil different...you....." *my ears shut liao*

Note: I have NOT started even putting oil into the wok..and that was the first comment already.

I ignored her, and added the oil into the wok (her wok is damn heavy..she should get a lighter one manz..such a chore to swerve the oil around). In went the garlic, and she stood beside me, watching every movement of mine (I felt DARN irritated and uncomfortable). In went the carrots and baby corn. Ok, I have to admit I can't handle her heavy wok well, so I have to make sure I stir the carrots and baby corn around often, in case they get burnt...then......

"See already know you are not a great cook. Those who can't cook will keep stirring and stirring..and soon..the veges will turn absolutely rotten..." 2nd comment.

I found the fire too strong, and my fingers felt like they were gonna be burnt soon, so I lowered the fire......

(My reply's given in purple)

" Why you lower the fire?!?!?! You know my stove spoiling? You turn off the fire already you know?" *Mum frantically looks around the stove*

"I didn't turn off the fire manz! I can see it! Can't you see the fire from here?!?!?!?!"

"You off it already!!!!!!! You turn the wrong direction..you don't lower the fire when you turn the knob clockwise!!!!"

"For goodness sake, when did I turn it clockwise?!"

*Mum showed me how to turn the stupid knob anti-clockwise to lower the fire (like as if I dunno)*

"You turned it clockwise!"

"I didn't..I turned it anticlockwise. You mean I'm so stupid as to not be able to understand symbols?!?!?!?! The big fire symbol's is at 9 o'clock, the small fire symbol is at 12 o'clock, while the O symbol is at 6 o'clock. Which idiot will turn from 9 to 6 to lower fire? That'll be offing it! I turned from 9 to 12!"

Then she ignored and turned the knob from 12 to 3..and went... "See???? That's the way!"

MY FOOT! ALL I hear is a noisier stove. The fire didn't seem to get bigger. And the only reason I can think of contributing to the sound is more gas being emitted from the stove. And just after she did that, she asked me the DUMBEST QUESTION ON EARTH...

"Did you say the small fire symbol's at 12 o'clock? Is it? How to read the symbols?"

THAT'S THAT!

"Cook the veges yourself. I'm leaving!" Off I left in a huff, slamming the kitchen door behind me.

Sometimes, I wonder when Mum can shut up for once. And stop acting as if she knows everything, and then start asking stupid questions just to piss everyone else. The thing is, even now that she's ill, she's still talking a lot! Doesn't her mouth get tired?!?!?!?! Argh!

Not just today, she pissed me off last night too. Got into a big row with her at Parkway.

Dad asked where we wanted to go for dinner. Immediately, she said "Let's go to Parkway" Fine. Parkway shall be it. So off we went there. Then the next question is, "What to eat?" Then she said, "Dunno." Fine. We went to the food court, which was damn crowded. It's gonna take ages to find a seat for 3, and she commented "So many people..sianz..."

So I tried thinking of other places where there isn't such a big crowd. I suggested Thai food, and she gave me the 'fed up' look and said "Very expensive ya noe?!". Ok..so I suggested the other food court near to Giant, and Dad said it's too dirty..he doesn't like it. My next suggestion was Ajisen Ramen (I don't really like it, but I just wanna fill up my tummy..food quality's not my priority at that moment). Dad was fine with it, and we were about to head there...then this comment came...

"I don't want to go there. I feel like puking the moment I think of noodles. I am ill, got no appetite"

I started boiling already, cos I was thinking... "If you've got no appetite, then why are you grumbling about not wanting to go here and there? You're not gonna eat much anyway!"

Dad then said we'll go a Thai restaurant, but cos we couldn't remember which floor it was, we went to check it out from the directory. Mum grumpily followed. Spotted 2 Thai restaurants from the list...Parkway Thai or Siam Restaurant. So I asked my parents which they preferred (cos I don't wish to really blow my top at Mum in public). Dad preferred Parkway Thai. Mum then gave hell lot of comments again.....

"Where is that restaurant?" She asked this when Dad and I were looking for it on the 2nd floor ( we saw from the directory that it's on the 2nd level, but we didn't see which unit, cos how big is the complex anyway...)

"What is Siam Restaurant? Thai restaurant meh?" "Don't you know what Siam is? Of course it must be Thai..or else why Siam?! Are you trying to piss me off by acting stupid, or are you really stupid?" I was rude in my reply huh..cos I cannot stand it already...

Dad roughly remembered where Parkway Thai was because we went there before years ago. It was in the well hidden "lane" of the complex. I followed him into the "lane", but Parkway Thai was no where in sight. Mum tagged along and grumpily, she waited outside the "lane". Couldn't find it, and we thought maybe the restaurant had closed down. Siam Restaurant will be the only option left. Then....

"Don't have ah? What is the unit number? How come don't have? You all know where or not?"

We didn't answer and walked away. I walked to the directory to find the unit number and decided to give a 2nd shot at looking for it, but realised that the only place would be in that "lane" we searched earlier. When Mum saw the unit number, she walked to that "lane" and decided to search for it herself. Cos Dad and I had already taken a look, we just let her go find it herself, while we waited outside. Damn stupid...

After she has convinced HERSELF that there is no Parkway Thai in that "lane", we went to Siam Restaurant. She started grumbling again, saying that the food's not nice. Made my blood boil again cos I was thinking "Anyway, you're not gonna eat much...does it matter to you?" Ignoring her comments, we got a table and was gonna order our dishes. And she started again...

Mum: "What are you all ordering?"
Me: "Which would you prefer? Dishes or individual? If you wanna cut costs, looks like the individual ones will be better"
Mum: "Aiyah...don't know you all lah. I no appetite..told you already I don't want to eat much..."
Me: *pengz*

Waiter came...and gave us some recommendations..

Dad and I placed some orders and as we did so, we asked Mum if it's ok for her..and she went, "Order anything you all want lah. I said I no appetite.." So we ordered what we wanted..and when we ordered Black Olive Fried Rice.....

"Black Olive Fried Rice? Nice meh? How can be nice?"

WOULD YOU BE PISSED OFF EATING WITH A PERSON LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!?!??!

I did get fed up and I threw her the menu and said "Ok, since it's not nice to you, and since you're so troublesome, order the food yourself!!!! No appetite..dun wanna eat much...but grumbling non stop......" It's only then she decided to shut her trap. It was beyond my limits that I didn't want to give her anymore face.

And you know what? When the black olive fried rice came, she actually finished half the plate....so much for saying that it isn't nice..and mind you, she said the rice was nice when she was eating it.... piece of sai manz...argh...

Before I tuck myself to bed..

Watched Quill. I bought the VCD from MJ a few days ago, together with Brotherhood. Would you believe it? Both are such touching movies, and being the emotional person I am, I did not cry! Amazing huh?

I felt something of course. Heart aching, but no tears flowed out. I could feel my eyes turning watery, but it wasn't even enough for a drop to roll. Is that good?

This has been me for the past few days. I can't cry at all...it's weird...

I had my girly chats during my meet-up with my girl gang. Am really thankful towards Lemon for her gifts. I love the stuffs a lot, especially the bag. We were sharing our views about relationships, careers, and of course, having the usual gossipy and joke sessions. It's wonderful how we never seem to fail crapping, no matter what problems we have. Anyway, I'm happy that both of them are happy in their relationship. I'm truly pleased to know that they are well, but I don't deny I feel a tinge of envy.

I am quite shocked at how my 2 buddies thought about things. We discussed about going to bf's house, marriage, getting along with future in-laws, etc. I felt odd about myself. None of them seem to have the same views as me. I enjoy it because if I try to get along with the guy's parents, it will make things easier for me and him, and besides, who will like someone who puts on airs right? And I should try to treat like my parents no? Might not be as close to them as my own parents, but if they accept me and treat me well, I should at least do the same. Why fear? Why worry? Why dislike? Don't you think a guy bringing you home to show his parents is a good thing? It goes to show that he thinks you're good enough to be shown to his parents. Ok, maybe I'm being silly...how can I be good enough...I'm a horrible girl...

Suddenly, I feel grateful to many people around me. I know I don't have any best friend, but maybe I should just be contented with what I have...afterall, how many can find a true or best pal? Maybe I will say my "silent" thanks to these people..

1. To the one who calls and worries when I'm not home..
2. To the lovely 2 who gave me my first try at playing tennis, drove me to and from school when Dad wasn't in town, played me piano pieces I love, accompanied by terrible vocals by playing the song with piano and claim that the readers at Esplanade are enjoying our dual performance ( MY FOOT! I think they stayed there cos there was nowhere else to go )
3. To the one who sent me an email to cheer me up
4. That 2 siao char bors of TJC
5. The forever wonderful person who bought me Sins Chocs and treated me to yummy black pepper crabs :)

I haven't been online much recently. Had some asking me why. There isn't much of a reason I suppose. I do deserve some time alone don't I? I suppose it's normal? Then again, what's normal for me and what's not, I wonder. Sometimes, I don't think I know myself anymore...but I'm not interested in finding out...serious...

There are still lots and lots in my mind. I won't share them cos they are very disorganised, and I am toooo mentally exhausted to sort them out too...

Oh ya, I have this urge to buy a pet again..eeks. A puppy. But how to buy one when I'm sure my parents will run after me with a chopper..sigh. No hamsters or guinea pigs or any rat-like looking creatures cos Mum HATES them. Rabbits are said to be difficult to maintain. Cats are not my favourite (even though I still love the sleeping kitten someone bought). Fishes are troublesome and so are turtles, because I have to change their water regularly. If I live in UK and don't go home, then I might buy a small pet for myself. Isn't it nice to know that this little life is waiting for your care and concern everyday? I imagine myself studying and my little darling looking at me with those innocent eyes...awww...how sweet. Hamsters will be cute right? But I won't be able to hug it to bed or talk to it when I need a listening ear. But I really hope to own a very cute puppy one day...something I call my own and will always always be my best friend. *dreammmzzzzzzz*

Later I have to go to grandpa's place. Not looking forward to it cos I don't like seeing my relatives. It's a pot-luck gathering. Mum's ill, and I will be taking over to cook. Yah, Michelle cooking. I hope my dish turns out good later, or else tails are gonna wag. Imagine this...

"Her dish tastes horrible..so salty..3 years abroad..come back this standard?"
"I had diarrhoea..must be her lah..."
"22 this yr liao and still can't cook...throw face"
"I wonder how she survived the 3 years in UK with her own cooking.." etc etc etc...

And imagine if my failed attempt news is broadcasted all the way to Grandaunts' (BAD news spread fast don't they?).....sheesh....I probably need to bury myself underground....

SO...I SHALL NOT FAIL!!!!

Even if it's not damn nice, at least make sure it's edible and don't send those people to the toilets...(even though I wish they lao sai until get admitted to hospital..and put on drips..*evil*). Wish myself luck *shakes own hands*

You know what? Cos I'm the cook later, I have to miss my secondary school gang gathering! Good also lah, I was still considering of not going because I don't wish to turn up alone. Those people are expecting 'something more', and I know I'll feel real shit with having to find an excuse as to why I turn up alone. Don't I just......oh well....fuck it....bleah...

Been extremely lethargic everyday. And body's been feeling warm too. Am I falling ill soon? But fall ill can be good in a way....the easiest way to sleep..and sleep soundly.. Oh yes, that bloody cough is not gone YET, and in fact, it's getting worse!!!! To hell with my lungs....piece of sai...