Give me 2 years

Yes, Grandpa. Give me 2 more years. I'll bring back my degree. I will try to keep my promise this time. I will try not to let you down anymore. Sorry that I did so this time.

Grandpa was happy to see me today. I didn't dare go visit him on Thursday because of the state I was in. Mum told me he was worried, and was very curious to why I went to Jurong. But he dare not ask too much.

I felt pleased that Grandpa's smiling when he saw me. I'm happy he made it through the operation. I was even more happy when he told me in Teochew, "I'll be able to see you get your degree..2 years you said. Ah Gong will live till then to watch.." Thanks Grandpa.

That was a pact I made with Grandpa the night before he went to have his operation. He was thinking he might not come out alive, and I told him that he's got to come out safely cos he said he's gonna watch me get my degree..he can't just leave like that. He's been brave, and so will I..at least I'll try to be..

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On the way to the hospital this evening, my parents were asking me about pricing of houses in Cardiff. They are considering either buying a house there for me to stay, or for me to find a comfortable apartment to rent and stay alone.

I'm not sure what made them think this way, especially Dad. Probably it was Prof Kua's suggestion that I should move out of my present place..so that I can have a conducive environment to recover.

Mum didn't really support the idea of me staying in an apartment alone. She rather I stayed with friends. But Dad begged to differ. He felt that things are very difficult for me, especially when I am living in a house of guys who are attached. First, I make other people's gfs insecure. Second, the guys can't take care of me cos they will get into trouble.

Of course, I should be taking care of myself there, which is what I have been doing cos of the above mentioned 2nd reason. But sometimes, we do need people around, especially when you're so ill that you can't get out of bed right?

I thought so too, and that's a reason why I chose to move in with friends initially. However, when there were episodes whereby I fell so ill that I couldn't get up, despite having people in my house, I still found myself having to force myself up and go out to buy my own food, buy my own medicine etc (I can be ill for days, and no one actually noes!), I realised that it doesn't make a difference having people around. So why force myself to live with others? In fact, I think I feel more comfortable having the whole place to myself.

I can decor my place to my own liking. Throw my things anywhere I like. Study anywhere I like etc. My little haven. A place I can call my OWN. A little puppy will be cute..*dreams on* And it'll be perfect having a car (which I have already gotten the green light).

BUT, I've got to consider the rent. Mum is worried if the difference will be much greater than my current one. And....my parents actually came up with this evil idea. They thought of housing a foreign student by converting my room for him/her, and then use the rent of this student to pay for my accomodation in UK. Great idea isn't it? *sarcastic* (I will feel thrown out manz..even my parents dont want me..sobz..)

Dad also reminded me this evening about my aim of returning to UK this time. Now my relationship has come to an end, can I say that I have no more troubles..no more problems anymore? Those of the past still stay, but the current ones..are over. Apart from the past ones, I guess there is nothing else to think much about.

I spent some time thinking about this while listening to some music. I asked myself if I'm ready to return to UK, although the tentative period is in February..which is like 3 mths away.

I feel that I need a break. A break from things around me for a while. I came back to Singapore because I needed a break from things in UK, and now that I am back, I faced something very heartbreaking that I need to find an escape again. There is no where else I can go, so I guess the only place available..and with a reason to go to is to go back to UK. But that's NOT because I love UK. Bo bian....

I have thoughts..thoughts of not returning after graduation. Holidays..I might. But whether it'll be that often like how I always do before will be a question mark. Maybe..I might end up finding myself happier there, maybe I won't. I guess..it's still too early to say. But currently, I'm not resisting the idea about staying there after graduation whenever my parents mention about it.

I know they rather I stay there and bring all of them over. Initially, I had reasons to why I want to come home. And in May, I found an even greater reason to why I have to return. Now that it's all over, I have nothing much holding me back. What makes a place home is where my family is. It doesn't matter where we are isn't it?

So..should one day..I decide not to return back..and bring my family over...can I call and treat UK as my new home?

I still have 2 years+ to make my first big decision...will this time change my current mindset? We'll see..but for now..I think...I should be almost mentally ready to return...