Not another one of those nights..

EAT SHIT MANZ! -.-

It's one of those tossing and turning nights whereby I can't go to sleep..pissing the hell out of me.

What am I thinking manz?! No, I should say...WHAT'S THERE TO THINK?!

My mind's not clear enough definitely. I worry about today, tomorrow, the next day..everyday...when there's nothing to worry actually. What the hell is wrong with me?

I haven't had a real good night's sleep for a while..as in those with a smile on my face, nicely cuddled up, feeling secured. It's draining away my energy, and I don't feel much better even if I sleep more than 8 hours. The only time I really doze and not wanna wake up is on the bus.

Actually, I felt so tired this morning that I skipped Jap class. Trust me, I have set my alarm and wanted to get up, but I just couldn't. My eyes just couldn't open at all. Body aching as well.

Last night, I had problems sleeping too. My aircon was put on full blast, but my body was feeling so warm...so so warm that I couldn't stand it and decided to get up and watch VCD. And now, the same thing. But I'm not gonna watch another episode tonight. I have to try to sleep.

The moment I lay on my bed, so many things came into my mind. The past, the present, the future. My worries, my fears. I don't even know why I even allow myself to think about them, but they just came flooding in.

Today, I visited Grandpa at the hospital. He got admitted again for a MRI scan. He told me that 8 medical students who are in their 3rd year came to take a history from him. Then...

Grandpa: Don't think of so many things. Or else how to study?
Me: *silence*
Grandpa: Louis is gonna become a doctor in May..he's in final yr now u noe?
Me: *silence*
Grandpa: If you had gone back to UK, you'll be in 4th yr now right?
Me: Ya...

Yup, I felt useless and extremely demoralised.

It wasn't over. Mum brought the topic, medicine, up again during dinner.

Mum: Dr. Lim asked what you are doing now that you are taking a gap year. I think he's wondering how come you're not doing some attachment. I think he's worried that you will forget everything after these few months.
Me: *silence*
Mum: Honestly, do you still like medicine?
Me: If you continue querying me about it, then maybe I will start disliking it.

I don't wish to be reminded cos I don't need reminders. I know what is happening to me, and I'm dead clear about it. When I don't cry, it doesn't mean I don't feel a thing. I think my silence says it all, but somehow, people don't get it...they really really don't..

I know perhaps they aren't so sensitive towards my feelings, and I don't blame them. But I do feel bad...


I have no idea why I am losing interest in doing things. I used to love interacting with my friends, but not now. I just want to be alone. I appreciated the smses I receive, but when I get told what to do with myself, I start losing my cool. It's not that I think the advice given to me are wrong, but I'm not in the mood to carry them out, not interested in carrying them out. I just want my fair share of peace and quiet. I will appreciate anything else apart from telling me what to do, because I do know what to do and what I should do. However, I don't wish to do them...at least not now..not for the time being...

Sheesh...what am I rambling about..what has medicine gotto do with my interaction with pals????...shows how messed up my mind is now......sigh...very bad and wrong timing....

Time for a 2nd attempt to sleep. I definitely don't wish to doze off on the table in some fast-food restaurant again later...