I have changed huh...I guess I did..

Just 5 minutes lying on my bed and I decided to jump out of it to blog this down.

On my way home, in the car, I told my parents, "It's wonderful watching Fred grow up". I mean it. I watched him grow, from the cute handsome baby till he's all tall and motivated now. 18 years of being siblings. Although I must say I really find him annoying for dunno how many years, I'm still proud of having him as a brother...and more proud of it now.

Yet, at the same time, I felt more and more disappointed with myself for not being a good sister, for not being a good example. I thought I have always been the better one, and at one stage, I despise my brother, because I found him useless and a great disappointment...the black sheep of the family.

But as he grew, I thought otherwise. I never gave my parents much of a problem, while he did all the time. Even though my grades weren't good, they weren't exceptionally bad either. But Fred got into all types of trouble...poor grades, not doing homework, setting up his 'trading business' which got him into big shit with my parents and the school authorities.

Being the eldest, I should be the one taking lead, teaching my brother what's right and what's wrong. But it seemed to be the other way round. My brother had a clear view of his path, while mine is slowly fading right before me, and I'm not the least concerned in some ways.

With his recent achievements in school, I feel very happy for him. So does my parents. I'm not too concerned about myself actually. My brother's more important. I don't show it, but I do feel his pain when he's down, and I do feel his joy when he succeeds.

Anyway, I can feel that my parents are very proud of him and happy that he's finally working hard. The whole evening, they were talking about him to Granny. Nothing but praises, and oh boy did my parents look happy.

Then, just when Mum was happily talking to Granny about Fred, she accidentally mentioned this incident when Fred heard Dad sighing in the bedroom. He thought it was work stress, and asked Dad if he was feeling pressured. "Nope son. As a child grows up, the kind of problems they bring to parents get bigger too." claimed Dad. Fred thought Dad was unhappy with him, and was eagerly trying to find the reason why that was so. But the "child" mentioned wasn't Fred. It was me.

I must have been such a disappointment and a let down that even Dad sighed. I'm sure he never did that before. I just got myself into all kinds of trouble, especially these few mths. This, made me feel real useless and lousy. I lost my confidence, my bubbly self (which so many told me)....I feel like a totally changed person, and the worst thing is, I'm not even wanting to find it back. I wish there was more motivation and enthusiasm in me. The only thing I wanted was just to stay in my own pigsty and keep away from people. I'm sure some of my friends felt it when they ask me out or ring me up.

I chatted with Lemon this afternoon. Nice of her to initiate the conversation online. I didn't want to talk to anybody else, and it would be rude to ignore her, so I replied. Plus the bonus thing is, she's a girl...don't have to set boundaries...don't have restrictions.

We covered many issues. Mostly serious ones. I told her something about myself which I felt shy about. I told her how I felt, and what went through my mind during those times...not all..but just generally. I didn't tell her my "secret" though, as well as the "secret" I promised to keep. I sensed she was shocked because she didn't know these things although we've been friends since JC.

She told me I've changed. I'm no longer the bubbly Michelle she knew (even my friends whom I knew for a few months told me so...sheesh..how did they noe?! was it that obvious?!?!). And said she suddenly remember me telling her once, when we were in JC, that I'm gu pi. I won't forget that..I really told her I was gu pi...and her reaction? She couldn't stop luffing -.- . I guess she probably thought that will be the last thing that will happen to me. But today, she said I've became quite gu pi!!!!!!

Like most of my chats with her ever since JC, at the end of serious topics, comes rubbish. We talked about our days in TJC, and she tried to make me see how bubbly I was during then cos seriously, I can't really remember how I was like before. As we started talking abt it, I managed to smile a little, and giggled. Now, I knew how terrible, mean and playful I was then.

That was me before. Compared to present me, seems like a drastic difference..