"I don't have a choice", he said.

Same here. If I wasn't forced, believe me, I will never have to go onto this path, and I will never have thought about it too.

As many would have known, I came to another split junction abt 2 months+ ago. I have talked about it to some, but none knows the actual reason, except me. Even though Boon know where the problem lies, he will never know exactly what is it. It's a secret I had promised to keep. I can tell other what the problem is, the way Jason told him, but I shall not reveal it completely. I shall take that as the only reason, whether it's the actual truth, or whether it was a lie..an excuse.

I took the path to going through it alone. It doesn't matter at all whether he is willing to walk it down with me, I'm ok (even though I must admit it hurts knowing that it's a one-man-show). Yet along all this path I took, there were more little openings, all of which will lead to the route I refused to take from the start. I know this will happen, so I refused, and held tightly to my choice. But yesterday, as I went along this path..I didn't realised that it came to a dead end. I didn't know that the split junction I faced, no matter left or right, I will still come to this ending point.

I don't regret having to make those choices. Even though now that I know that ultimately, there is only one endpoint, I must say it's been worthwhile going down this longer path, because part of me felt happy to hold tightly.

Yes, it's over. The chapter is being forced to close. And once again, I have to start pulling myself up together again...

This 2 months+ have been a tiring one. I'm sure there must be a substantial number of people out there jeering at me. Friends whom I had lost. It's alright. I didn't mind losing them anyway, and it will not affect me regardless of how they feel about my situation.

Nevertheless, I must say thanks to 2 pals who accompanied me yesterday, Boon and Kim. It was tough on Boon, having to have him around trying to help me find answers and calming us down when verbal violence started. Kim, who was supposed to go catch his NE Line's train, ended up accompanying me all the way till I went home. I thought he had left for Bedok Interchange, but he ended up following me behind when I went to catch my bus home. I didn't even realise it until I saw him coming up the bus.

It was a pity that I didn't get to see Lemon at NTU yesterday. I wanted to see her badly because I did not know who else to look for. I needed a shoulder.

My parents knew I cried when I got home. They should know I faced something painful again, when I brought back Dad's shoes (Call me superstitious, but did u guys know that it's a bad omen to buy shoes for anyone except your own children? Cos you're cursing them to die. But hey, I think it must be a bad omen to LEND shoes to the one you love too. You're probably cursing them to leave you for good..in the milder way. Ok, that is/might be crap, but I shall NOT lend anyone shoes anymore..). They knew it must be very serious, because I just left the shoe at a corner, ignoring their questions and just went to my room.

My brother came into my room after a while. He sat there patiently, ready to lend me his shoulder, should I break down hard anytime. I did eventually, and without hesitance, he came over and gave me a very big hug.

Soon, I got so drained that I had to sleep. I continued weeping on my bed, while he stayed aside to coax me. I felt ashamed of myself. He's my younger brother, but he's coaxing me like how elder brothers will do to their little sisters. He told me many things, one of which remained deep in my head:

"Come on, go to sleep. Do you know why the gods give humans the ability to sleep? That's because sleeping is a miraculous method of healing. People sleep when they're ill, people sleep when they're tired. You recover when you do so. So Jie, sleep as much as you can. You have to get well.."

Touching isn't it? Mind you, he's only 18... Who bothers to analyse the meaning of sleep, dont you think?

While brushing my teeth, I thought about many things...

1. I shall give up, and must give up asking more whys and feeling pissed about not knowing. Like what Jeff said, sometimes, there are no answers to questions..

2. I can't bring myself to hate him for all that he has done. I know it's wrong to continue defending him and finding more excuses to his actions, because the more I do so, the more I'm hindering my recovery. Truth or lie, I shall and must respect his decision and accept whatever reasons he gave. I still wish him all the best.

3. I shall concentrate fully on my degree.

4. I shall NOT lend guys I love shoes anymore.

5. I shall keep him and the memories he gave me somewhere deep in my heart. I guess it'll be impossible to forget, but hopefully, I will not shed tears over them in the future..

And lastly..

6. I shall stand up from where I fell. A hard one. Not sure how long it'll take. But I will smile again..one day. (If I rantle on about this issue, pls bear with me ok? Take it as my recovery process..)