New obsession

I finally finished watching a drama from China. It was a lot of politics, and wasn't the typical lovey dovey type of drama. I didn't quite understand it very much since my knowledge of China's history is only that learnt in secondary school, but I was very much attracted to the film as I continued watching it, and obviously, the main actor was part of the reason...hahahahaa.


I didn't realise that this guy was that attractive until I watched this show.

He's not handsome to me, but he is attractive to me lah. And Dearie totally agrees with me. :)

Go watch the drama if u're interested...it's call "Ai4 Zai4 Zhan4 Huo3 Fen1 Fei1 Shi2". Tell me if you dread the ending as much as I do.

I was hoping that he'll find out the real truth and then reconcile with the girl he truly loved for more than a decade, but when he finally realised that for so many years that he had misunderstood all her actions and her identity, she died under the guns of the enemy! Argh, so they didn't end up being together, but when she was alive, she had to go through all the pains of losing her fiance and being totally misunderstood by him even to the point whereby he said he didn't ever want to see her again and will take it that she has never existed in his life. How painful is that!

But it's definitely not a drama purely on love, and not one of those soap dramas too. Definitely a fresh feel to the usual films I've watched, and of course, helps me to understand a little about what happened in Dearie's country decades ago.

"Ring ring...ring ring.."...my Skype went off. Totally unexpected.



It happened when I was sitting at my desk staring into space after a hard day's work wishing that Dearie was ard. And that ringing got me really excited, because I knew it's Dearie. Apparently, he's the only 1 on my list and I downloaded Skype after he convinced me to. And I must admit that I love Skype because it allows me to fill up the entire screen with the video from the webcam. Can have a big view of Dearie's face...and it does feel like as if he's sitting in front of me talking face to face with me.



But humans are never satisfied. I was telling Dearie that now Skype doesn't satisfy me anymore because I can see him so clearly in front of me, but all I can do is touch the screen whenever I want to touch his face. It's not enough. I want to feel the warmth of his face!!! In fact, I'm feeling jealous of his dog..because the cute little thing comes into his room and sleeps with Dearie at times. What a blessing to have Dearie hugging him to sleep...I wish I was the one being hugged.



Anyway, Dearie came online because he couldn't sleep. He said his mind is filled with lots of things abt me (hmm..what about huh?) and thought he'll pop up and see if I'm home from work. Was touched when I heard that. And suddenly he said he wants to sing me a song which he practised hard during his KTV session with his buddy a few days ago!



Dearie's nv a fan of singing, and even though he's got a deep voice, he isn't much of a singer, and it's rare to have him singing chinese pop songs. I think I heard him singing his national anthem more. Those were the days whereby I'll start laughing whenever he sound so patriotic, and then have him laughing after making me sing my Mari Kita too.


I'm a real softie, because when I saw him looking into the webcam, smiling and singing to me, I was touched to tears. That moment, I wanted so much to hug him and tell him I love him. It made me wish ever more that he'll be back soon. But since he wasn't around physically for me to hug, I went to grab my pillow and hugged it real tightly as a substitute.



Thanks darling. Thanks for trying to find out what went wrong in our relationship. Thanks for listening to my concerns. Thanks for putting in effort to bring me security. Thanks for trying to bring back our rship onto the right track.

Needing to keep sane

Decided to hide in my room for a while to make sure I stay sane for the rest of the day. Seriously, I'm starting to get fed up. Not because I hate my job, but I cannot stand the fact that individual respect is such an issue here.

To think I thought only medical students are ignored, and yelled at by grumpy staff. I thought I've gone through that phase, only to realise that there are still grumpy individuals who gives NO respect to whoever u are, unless u're a Consultant.

I must admit that generally the staff here are friendly (beats Cardiff's of course), but still, I find being shouted at by nurses when I'm THE doctor is way beyond my threshold. Note that I'm THE DOCTOR, not the Maria in the house to be ordered around to do bloody venflons at their beck and call. If they're so insistent that the venflon has to be done N.O.W when I've got more important things to handle first, then go do it themselves!

Bad start to the morning, when the phlebs came looking for me to ask me why my patients are having the same type of blood tests done. Ridiculous question I think. First, they were having concerns about why ESR (an inflammatory marker) has be done on patients, and I had to explain that my Consultant likes at least 1 ESR to be done on every patient, and if patients are having some infection of some sort, then clearly it does make sense to monitor ESRs. Then they go telling me that ESR is a non-specific inflammatory marker, which got on my nerves, BECAUSE if it's so darn non-specific to the extent that it doesn't have to be done and monitored, then why the fuck do u have ESRs existing in the hospital? Might as well abolish it!

Back to why patients have the same blood tests done. How many types of blood tests can there be? How very different can the requests be for blood tests? Doesn't it make sense that patients get routine blood checks as inpatients to make sure that there's no new changes? And what does routine mean? FBC, U&E, LFT, CRP! Do you think I like bleeding my patients so often? You think I'm so fucking free to sit at the desk to write up blood forms everyday because I'm in the mood to hurt patients the next day with needles, and then torture myself afterwards with having stacks of results to chase, sign and report isit? I have no problem with not wanting bloods done and I can keep phlebs happy by not having any single job for them, but when my Consultants come after me and start getting upset abt why I'm not monitoring blood results for my patients, are the phlebs gonna come to my rescue and say they're so sorry for me being scolded just because I was trying to keep them happy by lessening their workload? NO!!!! OBVIOUSLY NOT! They're probably turn around and say "She didn't request, so obviously it's not done."

Honestly, sometimes, I find it quite difficult to keep my cool at people like the above. I'm seriously thinking that I can be such a nasty Consultant (if I become a Consultant one day that is....hahaha).

*************

Blogging after a long day's on call now.

My day's been UTTERLY SHIT! So many patients, and not very simple cases too. It was mad today, and honestly, I feel very very bad for not clerking many patients, but can't blame me since I have been so busy doing jobs in the other wards.

It did piss me off when I was asked to dose warfarins. Pissed because these things could be done before 5pm, but those lazy buggers just couldn't be bothered to do so and dare knock off on time (or even early!) without finishing their outstanding jobs. And I got fed up when I was asked to dose warfarins when INRs (a type of blood test to test the clotting status of the blood) weren't even done ever since the patient was started...high dose somemore. How freaking dangerous can that be? I can't believe that anyone can just ignore abt this! I got quite nasty by dosing the warfarin, but stating in the notes that I did it very reluctantly and am not pleased to be asked to dose the warfarin when there is no INR done. Thinking back, perhaps, I shouldn;t even go and dose it and ask that team to do it themselves tomorrow or solve their own INR problem. Hate it when people dunno what to do, and take the opportunity that it's past 5, and then throw the dirt to others. So fucking irresponsible!!!!! PUI!

Then I also got a stupid request to review a patient, which obviously I didn't, and asked the night team to go do so since it was already 10pm, and I've still got other jobs to do when I'm supposed to knock off at 9pm. Apparently, the nurses bleeped me to ask for a review because the patient is lying on the floor half naked, and refusing to get up and they don't know what to do and is feeling pissed abt it. Would u, as a busy doc, get fed up over such lame requests? I mean, hello...what am I supposed to do? Go there, and say "AY SIR! Can u just stop throwing trantrums and stop all your nonsense by getting up? I don't have time to entertain people like u manz!"?!?!?!?!

Then u get called to do venflons on whiny patients. And then get asked by the husband if I know what the venflon is for. I only know that she needs antiemetics which goes IV, and told him, then he came telling me that she's got a syringe driver for dunno what. Told him that all I know is that I'm asked to put in the venflon, and I'm only there to do that. Then he went on and say that hopefully we know what we're doing. WTF! Couldn't be bothered to talk more to him, finished my job and walked off. I can understand that the husband is upset that his wife is in hospital, but with the way he's treating her, it's no wonder why she's so whiny. Just a bit of pain, and she'll start shrieking and behaving like as if I did a lumbar puncture on her without anaesthetic. Note that she's already shrieking when I only just touched her, not even with a needle. And her husband got so shocked and worked up, asking me how come the wife's arm is so red....duh..of cos it'll be red lah...cos I tied a torniquet round her arm what! I know I sound mean for saying this, but if patients think they're really ill enough to want medical attention, then bloody tolerate with whatever that needs to be done in hospital. If u're so dead unwillingly to have anything done, or see no point in being in hospital, or just want to be Queen Shiba, then jolly well fuck off and don't get yourself admitted in the first place. The hospital staff are busy enough, and I don't think any of them fancy having these irritating people around to make their life more difficult than it already is.

At certain times, I have this mad thought that patients should be charged each time they request for a doctor's attention for nonsensical reasons.

And seriously, a lot of these irritating patients just need a baby sitter with them 24/7 just to entertain them. They don't really need anything else (even though they're ill) except to be entertained.

************

Thanks to stupid ppl like the above, I didn't even have time to have dinner, and am now slurping my instant noodles. Can't believe that I actually came home at 11pm, cos my senior didn't do any of the ward jobs despite not being on call, and expecting me to do them. TMD!

If only Dearie is here..sigh. I do need some TLC now. And if only he's here, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to cook me a nice bowl of noodles with ingredients, and I'll be able to make him listen to all my complaints for the day...hahaha.

Sheesh..it's on days like this when I ask myself why on earth I make myself do Medicine to get myself into all this shit, when I could have jolly well done an easier course and be happy with a 9-5 job, and then I won't have a problem with having to find a job in China, but happily marry Dearie and live the rest of my life as a taitai.

Argh! Gonna call Dearie now. Hope he's awake. I desperately need to hear his voice to let myself sleep well later...lol...

Poor, yet wanting a holiday

I really need a break from hospital life. I love my job despite still being insecure at certain times due to my knowledge level, but having done nothing for the past few months except working is getting a bit out of hand. Dearie went "HUH??!?!?! R U SURE?!" when I told him that I've only been to the local town twice in 3 months...in other words..I've only been out twice in 3 months.

He went to apply for his UK Visa today, and I have yet to hear from him about how it went. I hope the application will be successful. Dearie said he'll try to come back in abt 2 wks' time, and I hope he'll keep his promise this time.

I went holiday hunting straight after I've come back from work. Was searching again for locations of any EU embassies in Wales so that Dearie can apply for the Schengen Visa. I really want to go to Disneyland, and Paris' the closest to UK, but if Dearie doesn't get the visa, then we will have to give it a miss.

I went hunting for alternative plans...

1. Luxurious/romantic retreat in the UK
Piangz...so freaky expensive..imagine paying at least 200+ pounds per night in a nice hotel with spa. I don't mind doing so for a night, but what am I going to do for the rest of my holidays?

2. Cruise
Apart from a Superstar cruise which I went on in secondary school, I have never been on any other. Thought a cruise might be good for Dearie and me to spend some relaxing and quiet time today. But the longer cruises are going to European countries, and again, it will require a SchengenVisa for Dearie. So that option is out too.

3. Disneyland Florida
USA's the only place Dearie doesn't need a visa for (of all places..) a year and hence, I thought a trip to Florida might be good since there's Disneyland. I'm hoping to stay in a deluxe Disney Hotel, but the price is costly. And I think if he's agreeable to go to Florida (the last time he told me he doesn't wanna go to USA since he just came back frm there....grrr), I might have to just be satisfied with booking a value hotel instead. It doesn't have any romantic or a proper hotel feel, but I guess thats how it's gotta be when I'm not rich enough to afford things I want.

4. Las Vegas
Dearie's never been there, and I have been raving about my trip there to him. I really don't mind going back to Las Vegas just to take a slow walk around, take photos with Dearie, and some quality time with him in a nice hotel. But the flight is so darn long, and I'm sure Dearie wouldn't be agreeable. Plus the hotels there are expensive.


Talking about hotels...

Dearie: Do you know which is the best hotel in the world?

Me: No...why?

Dearie: I really hope to book the best hotel and spend some time with you there.

Honestly, I love staying in hotels and it has been one of my dreams to stay in a really posh hotel with Dearie for a few nights. But we can't afford to, and it does sadden me to quite a great extent when I realise how poor I am to not being able to afford things I want.

Dearie and I love the Nokia 8800 Sirrocco, and have been dreaming of owning one each, but we couldn't afford it.

Dearie likes the iPhone, but I can't afford to buy the phone and pay for a year's phone contract altogether.

Dearie and I love the LV Tambour watch, and I wanted to buy it for him for our 2nd anniversary, but I cannot afford it.

Dearie likes the Gucci or LV messenger bag, but I can't afford it.

I thought I'll never have this feeling again when I start working, but how wrong was I to think that way. Despite earning my own living, I still can't buy the things I want. And it hurts even more whenever I think about me being not able to buy something for Dearie when he likes them very much.

Will the day when I can buy whatever I want for myself, for him and for my family without having to think too much, ever come?

(Am having thoughts that in the worst case whereby Dearie can't come, I'll book tickets to go to China and see him)

Am I hearing things?

Him: Darling, I got something to discuss with you.

Me: Ok, what is it?

Him: I was thinking of us getting registered next year or the year after. What do u think?

Me: WHAT? Did you just say we are getting registered?

Him: Yes. I thought I'll discuss it with u to see if you know whether your parents are ok abt it.

Me: I don't know abt what they think. But why the sudden thought?

Him: I think our relationship has been stable and we're together for 2 years now. U're turning 25, and it's abt time we get registered and then think abt the proper banquet maybe a few yrs after that.

Me: I think we've been quarrelling a lot recently..that's stable?

Him: All couples quarrel and ours isn't anything terribly major. If we get married, then at least we can put our mind at ease for the moment and focus fully on our relationship. And I know we might not be physically together all the time, so I hope the engagement will bring us some security and keep us together.

Me: Have you told your parents abt it?

Him: Yes. They have given their consent. But my dad is concerned abt me bringing you to China at this time because it's difficult for you to get a job in the current international hospitals, and he's worried that I'll end up making u stay at home to be a housewife.

Me: Hahahaha...true... I really don't know what my parents think. Maybe I'll try and ask. But is that supposed to be a proposal? If it is..I expect at least a proper ring..

Him: Let me find a good paying job first. And then I'll save up enough to buy a nice one and propose officially.

Bad start...but perhaps not such a bad day afterall

When was the last time you got out of bed going, "Argh, I wish I have all the time in the world to continue lazing and hiding under my duvet!!!"

The weather's getting colder day by day, and it is a major factor to why I am getting tired easily and craving to hibernate all the time (not forgetting the fact that even during hot hot summer, I can still hibernate....hehehe...my record is 20 hours of hibernation).

I had a hard time dragging myself up to turn up for ECG teaching by my Consultant.

And if that's not bad enough, a bad news made it worse, ruining my mood for the day.

Flipped open my hp, and was so pleased to see Dearie's sms until I read that he will not be coming back this UK because the bloody UK embassy in China isn't processing Visas for the time being due to installation of some finger print machine. WTF..if it's not yet installed, can't they just let these people apply without it this once? What happens if someone needs to go to UK for an urgent purpose? Grr...don't even know how long they're gonna take to finish doing their installation. Am feeling disappointed that we won't be able to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. This is so fucking pissing..how come Dearie and I never ever ever ever ever get to celebrate something together properly? WHY?!

Piece of shit..now I have to wait for dunno how long again....PUI PUI PUI!

Dragged myself to where ECG teaching is supposed to be, and realised that it's in mid November. Piangz, I lost 30 mins of lazing in bed for nothing.

Dragged myself to the wards, to find most people looking gloomy. Then the phlebotomist came to speak to me as she's concerned about the number of ESRs I have requested for patients. It didn't take very much to get me feeling frustrated (my mood wasn't good for start) because firstly, I acknowledge the fact that ESRs isn't a specific inflammatory marker, but if the patients have an infection, it would only make sense to monitor the ESR and other inflammatory markers. But if ESRs are so non-specific to the extent whereby it requires concern abt requesting it, then might as well abolish it in the hospital. I wanted to shoot all that out, but I controlled myself and didn't comment much. Didn't want to end up offending anyone just because I'm in a foul mood.

Decided to cool myself down by smsing Dearie in the ward clerk's office, and this bloody nurse commented that hp should not be used in the hospital. I didn't like the tone she used, and without apologising, I just walked out. Yes, I'm just a junior doctor, but I'm STILL a DOCTOR, and if there's a problem with anything, I should be spoken to politely and ADDRESSED. If I'm a Consultant, I bet you she won't even dare open her mouth to ask me not to use my hp. Besides, studies have shown that hps do NOT affect medical electronic equipments. And some hospitals are even using handphones instead of pagers! She better not let me catch her using her handphone, if not, I will definitely say something sarcastic.

I definitely needed to get away to alter my mood, so I went back to my room and hid under my duvet until my pager bleeped.

Fortunately, there wasn't many issues in my ward today, and on call was quiet today too. Kinda good cos I didn't have to rush that much, and managed to clerk some patients. And the cases I clerked today happened to be interesting ones. Will pick one to write up for my case based discussion.

There wasn't too much rubbish to do in the other wards in the hospital too, so I was feeling rather relaxed being on call today.

So even though my day started badly, it ended pretty well. And it will be even better if I get to hear Dearie's voice before I go to bed.

Missing him..

Been missing Dearie a lot for the past few days. I'm very very pleased that we're talking now, and am happy that he's giving me more attention.

Was telling him a night ago that I feel like I'm just someone who is supposed to fit in whenever he has empty time slots, but not one whom he specially makes time for. No matter what time I call, I'll never be able to talk freely to him, because he's always got something else to do in no time. There's never once I felt that I have him all to myself. There were days he took leave with an intention to specially accompany me, but it'll always be ruined for whatever reason. I thought he'll scold me for mentioning this, and I was extremely surprised when he went silent for a short while and said, "I think u're right. I have never kept some time specially for u and only for u." Even though I'm not sure if he'll do something abt this, but at least, knowing that he did put some thought into things I say makes me feel better and loved.

Once again, I took out all our photos and glanced at them before I go to bed. I have done that many times, whenever I miss him. It brings back memories, and I wish I can relive them all once more.

The one thing that makes me spend most time looking at is the present Dearie gave me. It's some rectangular thing which is placed at the shoulder for army uniforms. It's from his winter army uniform. Whenever I see it, it'll remind me of how he looked when he wore his uniform to show me when I was having my holiday in China. He looked amazing, and if he weren't my bf, I am very sure I would be attracted...hahaha...*winks* The cutting of the uniform was brilliant too.

The present I've spent so much time liaising with a company to make for Dearie will be arriving soon. I'm kinda excited to see how it looks like now, and I hope Dearie will be back soon because I am dying to see his reaction. I know chances are low now that he'll be back in time for our 2nd anniversary, but I do wish that a miracle will happen. I don't mind having no presents...his return will be my biggest present.

It was dawn before I realised it. I woke up having much difficulty opening my eyes because it felt extremely puffy.

My not-very-good sleep was interrupted by smses and a phone call. My sg hp rarely rings, and I thought it might be a wrong number. Dragged myself up to see who the caller is, just in case it's an emergency call from home...and it's him.

Threw the phone to a corner and continue hiding under my duvet. More smses came, but I chose not to reply to any. I have nothing to say to him.

I wasn't throwing a tantrum. I was just very very hurt by what happened last night, after he told me that he's in a foul mood and have got nothing to say to me, hence, I should hang up. And I did so when he was in the midst of raising his voice at me over the phone.

I couldn't last a few hours, and decided to take a nap. I was too mentally exhausted to do anything productive. But getting some sleep was difficult. My MSN was bleeping continuously with his messages. I saw all of it when I forced myself to get up after 2 hours...but again, I didn't reply. I don't know what to say if I were to reply, and I cannot bring myself to speak to him like nothing has happened.

Him: Is there a problem with our relationship?


Me: Why do u ask? If I were to say yes, u'll not think it's significant. If u think there's no problem, then there isn't.


Him: No, there's definitely a problem. But I want to know what it is.


I told him, and as expected, quarrels started. Again, I was blamed for not being understanding.


I wasn't being understanding because:


1. I expected at least a sms a day when he's in America to let me know how he is.


2. I got upset when he asked me to call him, and 5 minutes later, he told me his hp batt is low cos he forgot to charge it the night before.


3. I wasn't very happy when he promised that he'll be back by the end of next week, and hasn't even applied for his visa and book his air ticket.


4. I fussed abt waiting the entire night for him to contact me, and he didn't.


5. I was upset whenever I have no idea what he's doing when we lose touch with each other.


And the list goes on.


I have spent a lot of time preparing the present for him for our 2nd anniversary, and sourcing for our trip. But suddenly, it seemed pointless to do so. We haven't had a proper celebration for anything before, and I was so hoping to make our 2nd anniversary our first proper event. I was hoping for it to be a chance for us to make major changes to our relationship. I was determined to spend some days of my annual leave with him, instead of going home, because I know how rare a chance it is for us to have some getaway time together. I wanted to discuss it all with him so that I can make bookings and also to plan my annual leave.


But none of the above has been done. Nothing's been discussed, nothing's been planned. Nothing at all. It felt like a complete waste of my time, and I could have probably been better off planning my trip home.

He said he'll be back in October. I waited. Then he said end of October. I waited. And I've finally it's here...but till now, I have no idea when he's coming back. And I'm not supposed to feel disappointed or upset. I know there has been problems which is causing a delay in his return, but I couldn't sense any urgency abt it, which is disappointing me a lot. What's the point of telling me he misses me? What's the point of telling me that he's wanting to be by my side? Regardless of how much truth there is, I'm already getting frustrated whenever it's mentioned.

I didn't know there were so many family quarrels going on because of my presence. I wasn't too naive to think that he had full support for wanting to come back to the UK. I didn't know he was having a hard time being stuck between his parents and me. He said I have idea how it feels like.

Neither does he know how it feels like to wish your bf would be beside you to care and love u, yet u can't demand because u don't want to hurt his parents. And having a bf who is constantly saying u don't understand, and refusing to acknowledge the fact that the relationship is on the rocks. He doesn't know how it feels like to cry to sleep a few times a week. He doesn't know that trust doesn't come instantly, but needs to be earned. He doesn't know how it feels when u want to discuss problems, but end up getting blamed. He doesn't know how it feels like to keep all the problems to oneself simply because the person u love most isn't interested in sharing it, and u don't want to hurt anyone else being involved.

Most importantly, he doesn't know how much I've been trying to salvage this relationship which means a lot to me.

Hmm..didn't know I was that positive...

My buddy came knocking on the door, dying to pour out her sorrows about work. Honestly, it's the first time I feel support going on amongst us junior doctors. I never thought support exists, and it's only normal for one to keep problems to oneself and solve it, rather than whine abt it, wanting a listening ear.

It was today I realise that I've changed my thoughts so much, and never did I think that this change in me could have such a great impact on my buddy. And I put a lot of it down to being left to be independent abroad, and the depressive episode years ago.

I can recall how it felt back then. I hated myself a lot for being diagnosed with this. I hated the pills I had to take, because it makes me feel that I must be so abnormal that I needed it. I hated seeing the doctor on a regular basis.

But I have got out of that phase, and I do not feel the need to hide abt it like how I did before. I didn't feel shy abt falling ill, and have been constantly reminding to stay positive. I am determined to prevent a relapse.

It was a struggle initially, and I didn't realise that it has become a part of me now. My mentality has changed drastically. I am taking things easier now, and have learnt to adapt to situations and not putting tooooooo much thoughts into issues which aren't going to change.

"If u think the situation is abnormal, then try to make it normal. But if the others around u aren't even interested in making it normal, then try to persuade them. However, if it doesn't work, then forget abt it. Just make it as normal as you can for yourself. Make the best out of the worst situation." I told my pal today.

"How do u manage to take things so calmly?" she asked.

"What do u gain by being uptight abt it? What do u gain by insisting that things should be the way u want it? There's a lot of things in this world which will upset u, and if u keep getting frustrated abt every single issue, it doesn't benefit u. Might as well throw it aside if it's not a life-and-death thing" I said.

"Then how do u manage if u said something which might be offensive?" she asked.

"Apologise to that person. But if he/she hates u even after u said sorry and won't forgive u, then heck it, unless he/she is someone extremely impt to u" I said.

Gosh, I can't believe all that came from me.

The importance of support

My week hasn't been good, and there were times whereby I felt like taking my stuffs and leave the ward (after my working hrs of course). Friday was finally here, and I was definitely looking forward to it. I knew I needed a break from all that, and needed time to recharge myself.



It wasn't fatigue that was getting me down. There has been a lot of jobs recently, and my poor nurses have been forced to open up beds in the wards to accept more patients. There has been so many other medical teams streaming into my wards now that it looks somewhat like some emergency unit. I felt pretty bad pestering my nurses to do things for me at times, seeing the way they're busy, so I'll help them out whenever I can, like delivering forms and bloods myself.



Everyone was so busy and tired this week, that I don't blame a few nurses who started to get slightly grumpy. I was quite upset when one of the nurses was being very rude to me over the phone to ask for a venflon, and another who bleeped me so many times just to get me to certify a death and write the death certificate. Fair enough if it was to certify death, but the death certificate can wait for an 1 hr or so.



I've been doing a lot in my ward this week without very much help from my seniors. I can grumble abt this, but am trying very hard to take it positively. It's good training for me, because it will make me work at an even faster pace.



But yesterday, something happened, something which I felt very blamed for the wrong reason. I was really hurt by it.



I wasn't expecting anyone to console me, and having been living my life alone and not having very much friends and support in this country, I thought I'll just be coping with it myself.



But Samya, Ruth and my ward nurses were there for me. Seriously, I was so touched and some of the tears which rolled weren't out of sadness, but because I was touched by them.



Honestly, it wasn't my fault because I was carrying out a senior's instructions, and my Consultant didn't agree with it when he came to do his ward round this morning. But it was too late to make changes, and he wanted the patient to be discharged. Because this patient just started on a high dose of warfarin, he needed to be monitored on a daily basis, which unfortunately is impossible in this country where transport is difficult, especially in this area where farmlands are predominant. One of my Registrars wasn't keen to discharge this patient over the weekend, accounting to why he probably wanted me to start this patient on 10mg warfarin. But my Consultant is a fan of slow loading, and was making a fuss abt the patient being started on 10, rather than 2.



Being a HO, and having a job of carrying instructions, I felt like piggy in the middle, and felt very thrown to settle this issue myself. But it was beyond my ability when my nurses, who tried very very very hard (they spent 2 hrs trying to help me solve this problem), couldn't solve it. At this point, I really wished I had a car, because I would drive all the way there to my patient's house to monitor his warfarin over the weekend. I seriously don't mind as long as I know that my patient is safe.



It was past 5 when I still couldn't find a solution, and my Consultant happened to be around, so I brought this matter up to him. It isn't a drastically major issue, and it shocked everyone in the ward when he started yelling at me for starting the patient with 10mg last night and discharging the patient the next day. I felt very wronged abt this, because both aren't my decisions. I felt blamed for something just because 2 doctors couldn't compromise with each other. The whole lecture session was so loud that Samya who was at the other end of the ward ran out to see what was going on. The whole ward was dead silent when that happened.



I tried very hard to control my tears, and I was glad that it didn't roll despite feeling that my eyes were starting to turn watery. However, when Samya called me from the treatment room and I saw her, my tears rolled. I didn't want anyone to see me crying, but my nurses ran into the room so quickly to see if I'm alright.

I know that it isn't my fault, but I was worried abt my patient, and because my Consultant is so displeased abt this, he has decided to fill up an incident form to the hospital. I'm not sure if my name will be put into the form, and whether I'll have to see anyone about this issue. Somehow, I feel like as if I've been made to answer for the "mistake" made by someone else, and I was scolded because there wasn't anyone my Consultant could vent his anger on.

Samya came knocking on my door after she knocked off..."Want to go out for dinner?". She took me to a really nice restaurant in the middle of the woods. The food was great, and again we had a good chat over dinner.

Samya: I like u, Michelle.
Me: Like me? How come?
Samya: Because u r the same wherever u r. U're the same person when u're at work and after work. And I feel comfortable talking to u because I don't think u r showing any pretence at all.
Me: Thanks.. *smile*

I was surprised to hear that from someone of a completely background and culture from me. I was touched that someone saw me as a friend whom she would talk to every night, because I have grown accustomed to talking to no one here.

It was more chats and laughter as we decided to take a long stroll to and fro the supermarket after we came back from dinner.

Although my mind was still filled with what happened the entire night, I am thankful that Samya, Ruth and my ward nurses have given the support I didn't expect, and for taking the nasty experience away from me for a few hours.

********

Dearie should be back frm America, but I have yet to hear from him. I should be annoyed about this, but to my surprise, I'm not feeling how I would expect myself to feel.

I sat down and asked myself if the recent happenings between me and Dearie has changed our relationship in any way.

And I think things have indeed changed.

I have always loved to share my daily happenings with Dearie, and although I know he doesn't appreciate anything medical, I was hoping he'll at least listen to me and give me support. I've been working myself very hard since I've started my job, and there are times I'm so exhausted. What I needed most is for someone to cheer me on, but whenever I bring this up to Dearie, his comments doesn't make me feel better. He'll always be telling me that it's not worth doing things for others, it's not worth being so nice, it's not worth working so hard, etc. At times, I do wish to hang up the call, and honestly, I've started to understand why doctors are always saying that it's better to have a bf/gf who is a doctor too.

Also, I admit that my trust and faith in Dearie has dropped drastically after his trip to America. Although we've made up, but I know that part of me doesn't trust him that much anymore. I have began to doubt my importance to him, and have seem to slowly accept my own assumption of my importance. I have decided not to ask him if my assumption is true again, because I think it's not words I want to hear anymore. It has got beyond the level whereby words would restore things. I'm also getting less and less excited abt Dearie's return. I know I want to see him again, but at the same time, I don't want to put on high hopes that he'll be back in time to celebrate our 2nd yr anniversary.

All's well *crosses fingers*

Dearie and I made up. Good thing it didn't drag till dunno when, cos it was affecting me very badly. I had to take numerous "2 mins staring into blank space" to clear my mind before going back to my jobs. I couldn't even make myself attend a lunchtime meeting simply because I was desperate for some time alone.

I was determined not to call him, and to my surprise, he sent me a message, and asked if we could have a chat.

I was quite touched when he showed me more concern.

Honestly, after what happened, I am not sure if Dearie loves me as he did before. Although he insisted that it has never got lesser, part of me tells me it has changed. It did become quite a bit of concern when I begin to sense that Dearie is changing, having been home for quite a while and mixing with different people.

I expressed my concern abt his change in becoming more and more eager in building up his career and earning money (and he didn't realise it until I told him). I know these things are important, especially to a guy, but I don't really want him to become one of those guys who become obsessed about it, that nothing else matters to them anymore. He was telling me about the chats he had with the guys he went to America with, and they were mentioning that girls these days don't see how much their other half loves them as important as how much their bf/husband can earn and spend on them to give them a good life.

I'm quite a realistic person, and I admit that I, too, would love to have a bf/husband who can earn lots of money to provide me with a good life. I want to live in a good property with him, and sit in a luxurious car too. But if he doesn't love me much at all, what's the point of having him? I rather trade part of the luxury for someone who loves me.

Dearie's America trip is gonna be over soon, which is consoling. I know I sound silly for saying this, because I did encourage him to go for it, but seriously, that 2 weeks of him being there resulted in numerous problems in our relationship, so much so that I don't think I can handle anymore of this.

Sometimes the truth is cruel, but it's better to face it than to cheat yourself with excuses and reasons.

It takes a long time to trust someone, but all it takes is a sentence to destroy it all.

Perhaps it's really time I should move on.

Different ways of caring

Dearie and I are so different in the way we care for each other, and I think it is a major reason to why we are getting into arguments. I was quite pleased that we managed to talk it out last night, and I do feel slightly better.

Stayed up till 5am since it's a 8 hour difference between San Francisco and UK. I was "dying", but I don't ever feel at peace with myself if I don't get to hear his voice, so I forced myself to stay up, dozing off and waking up in a shock at various intervals of the night.

Called him, and again, another female picked up the phone. I went blank again when I heard her voice, but I calmly asked if my bf is around, and thank goodness, I didn't kick up a fuss (I won't lah..but then for the 3rd time this has happened) because it was his Aunt. I'm sure his family will start getting into a "red alert" mood if I lost my cool and get terribly upset over "females picking up Dearie's calls", and ring up Dearie immediately to question him. Honestly, I have no idea what's wrong with his phone...it either gets diverted to some wrong number, or to his family.

I managed to get him in the end, and I was quite glad that he chose to speak to me rather than carrying his initial plan of having chats with his group. No, I'm not trying to pull him away from them, but I don't really like it if I get neglected because of his new friends. I believe in knowing who is more important, and because I know I won't ever neglect my bf because of my friends, I tend to expect him to be the same way. I don't like the feeling of being insecure, worrying about people replacing me in his heart, even though he reassured me time and time again that it will never happen. But it's just my phobia which I cannot overcome. I can't make myself believe completely in it, and take it all lightly, only to realise that it's too late. I don't want history to repeat itself.

I told Dearie about this, and I think our level of trust for each other is somewhat different. He trusts me COMPLETELY, and he said his 6th sense tells him that I won't fall for anyone else no matter where I am because he knows how much I love and value him. That's why he's not worried about who I'm out with, who I'm having dinner with etc. But I am worried all the time. It's not because I don't trust him, but because I'm not from China, I tend to see it as a weakness, and any cow in the right mind would go for someone from the same country as them to make things easier (when our major problem now is worrying abt being different lands). He knows I'm haunted by the problem of being apart in future, and said if he decides to go to abroad for studies in future, he'll make sure he marries me first so that he can take me along, and not leave me alone in another land waiting for him. I hope he keeps his word.

I also told Dearie that I don't mind staying up to wait for him (even though I dread waiting) just as long as I know that he's happy to hear from me, but if he doesn't sound pleased and isn't very polite to me, I will feel very hurt. And Dearie said he minds a lot about my staying up till dawn to wait for him, because he's worried about my health. He knows that I'm usually not eating very well abroad, and with my long working hours, he's worried about my health deteriorating. And he feels very guilty each time I fall ill because of him.

Dearie said he can't wait to come back to UK, because he misses me very much. That was pretty consoling. And he tried to excite me by telling me how many days are left before he's by my side again. October seems to creep slower than other months. I guess maybe because he's in America, and it has been a nightmare keeping in touch, so much so that I do regret a little encouraging him to go there. And I'm more aware of the days too, and become more anxious about having the days pass faster.

Woke up at 3+pm today...goodness!!!!!!

My entire week have been tiring. I have been sleeping for like 3 hours a day, since it's only at crazy hours that I'll get to talk to Dearie. Was supposed to wait for him yesterday, but I wasn't feeling well, and dozed off. Got up in a shock, and realised it was already 7am...argh!

Had a great evening with Samya, chatting about life in the hospital, gossipping, our interests etc. I'm grateful for having a friend who looks for me every night for a chat. It's weird how we became pretty good friends. I remember not liking her very much when I first spoke to her when we were still students, but after getting to know her more when we start work, we've started getting along. :)

Both of us love having nice meals in a nice restaurant, and we're always chatting ourselves over dinner. Hence, we've made it a point to go out for a meal every week or 2. We went to a seafood restaurant for dinner yesterday and were having a good time gossipping and imitating people we know etc.

"I think we're really alike!" she said. How true that is. I'm quite surprised to find someone having similar thoughts, opinions and character. We both don't like cooking. We like seeing different specialities in Medicine, rather than getting obsessed with ONE. We love car rides, and we love going to places to sit down and chat ourselves crazy. We're both very inquisitive and opinionated girls too.

It isn't easy to find a friend similar to oneself abroad, and it's even more difficult finding a Caucasian friend who doesn't enjoy clubbing and being serious in things she do.

We were talking about guys yesterday, and we both agree that we CANNOT TOLERATE men who are indecisive and doesn't have any confidence....hahahaha!!!!!!!

I wonder how Dearie is now. Been missing him a lot today, looking at the clock numerous times (as usual) to see what time it is in America and guessing what he's up to there. I hope I'll be hearing frm him again soon.

Why promise when u meant to break it?

Why say u'll talk to me the next day when u didn't in the end? Why are u making me wait n wait n wait all the time?!

If u claim that u know that I'm missing u, why did u choose to make me wait like an idiot every night? Do u think it's fun?

Did u even realise how worried I got when I heard nothing frm u at all? I actually went to check the news to see if there were any road/air accidents in America. I called u, but your hp was off. And what's worse..I'm your gf, but I don't even know which hotel u're staying when u went to NewYork frm Boston.

I sent u a message at 2+am, telling u how disappointed I am with u, but all u msged at 5+am (yes, 5+AM!!!!) was to say u just came back from shopping and bought something for me. I'm not happy at all. I rather have NOTHING than not hearing frm u. When u knew that I wasn't even asleep, u weren't the least concern at all. I thought u'll call me immediately, but no...NOTHING AT ALL! Not even a "sorry"!!!! And like u said, if u just came back from shopping, why can't u tell me which hotel u went back to? Why r u saying u'll tell me which hotel u're staying when u know? Then which "hotel" did u go back to after shopping? A different one?

Missing Dearie

I'm missing him very much now. Been constantly thinking of him day and night.

I'm thankful that he has made the effort to call me in the US, but each time I hear his voice, I wish time would stop immediately. My tears roll continuously everytime I'm on the phone with him. Dearie said I've been crying more on the phone these few months than laughing like how I used to.

I hope he comes back soon.