The importance of support

My week hasn't been good, and there were times whereby I felt like taking my stuffs and leave the ward (after my working hrs of course). Friday was finally here, and I was definitely looking forward to it. I knew I needed a break from all that, and needed time to recharge myself.



It wasn't fatigue that was getting me down. There has been a lot of jobs recently, and my poor nurses have been forced to open up beds in the wards to accept more patients. There has been so many other medical teams streaming into my wards now that it looks somewhat like some emergency unit. I felt pretty bad pestering my nurses to do things for me at times, seeing the way they're busy, so I'll help them out whenever I can, like delivering forms and bloods myself.



Everyone was so busy and tired this week, that I don't blame a few nurses who started to get slightly grumpy. I was quite upset when one of the nurses was being very rude to me over the phone to ask for a venflon, and another who bleeped me so many times just to get me to certify a death and write the death certificate. Fair enough if it was to certify death, but the death certificate can wait for an 1 hr or so.



I've been doing a lot in my ward this week without very much help from my seniors. I can grumble abt this, but am trying very hard to take it positively. It's good training for me, because it will make me work at an even faster pace.



But yesterday, something happened, something which I felt very blamed for the wrong reason. I was really hurt by it.



I wasn't expecting anyone to console me, and having been living my life alone and not having very much friends and support in this country, I thought I'll just be coping with it myself.



But Samya, Ruth and my ward nurses were there for me. Seriously, I was so touched and some of the tears which rolled weren't out of sadness, but because I was touched by them.



Honestly, it wasn't my fault because I was carrying out a senior's instructions, and my Consultant didn't agree with it when he came to do his ward round this morning. But it was too late to make changes, and he wanted the patient to be discharged. Because this patient just started on a high dose of warfarin, he needed to be monitored on a daily basis, which unfortunately is impossible in this country where transport is difficult, especially in this area where farmlands are predominant. One of my Registrars wasn't keen to discharge this patient over the weekend, accounting to why he probably wanted me to start this patient on 10mg warfarin. But my Consultant is a fan of slow loading, and was making a fuss abt the patient being started on 10, rather than 2.



Being a HO, and having a job of carrying instructions, I felt like piggy in the middle, and felt very thrown to settle this issue myself. But it was beyond my ability when my nurses, who tried very very very hard (they spent 2 hrs trying to help me solve this problem), couldn't solve it. At this point, I really wished I had a car, because I would drive all the way there to my patient's house to monitor his warfarin over the weekend. I seriously don't mind as long as I know that my patient is safe.



It was past 5 when I still couldn't find a solution, and my Consultant happened to be around, so I brought this matter up to him. It isn't a drastically major issue, and it shocked everyone in the ward when he started yelling at me for starting the patient with 10mg last night and discharging the patient the next day. I felt very wronged abt this, because both aren't my decisions. I felt blamed for something just because 2 doctors couldn't compromise with each other. The whole lecture session was so loud that Samya who was at the other end of the ward ran out to see what was going on. The whole ward was dead silent when that happened.



I tried very hard to control my tears, and I was glad that it didn't roll despite feeling that my eyes were starting to turn watery. However, when Samya called me from the treatment room and I saw her, my tears rolled. I didn't want anyone to see me crying, but my nurses ran into the room so quickly to see if I'm alright.

I know that it isn't my fault, but I was worried abt my patient, and because my Consultant is so displeased abt this, he has decided to fill up an incident form to the hospital. I'm not sure if my name will be put into the form, and whether I'll have to see anyone about this issue. Somehow, I feel like as if I've been made to answer for the "mistake" made by someone else, and I was scolded because there wasn't anyone my Consultant could vent his anger on.

Samya came knocking on my door after she knocked off..."Want to go out for dinner?". She took me to a really nice restaurant in the middle of the woods. The food was great, and again we had a good chat over dinner.

Samya: I like u, Michelle.
Me: Like me? How come?
Samya: Because u r the same wherever u r. U're the same person when u're at work and after work. And I feel comfortable talking to u because I don't think u r showing any pretence at all.
Me: Thanks.. *smile*

I was surprised to hear that from someone of a completely background and culture from me. I was touched that someone saw me as a friend whom she would talk to every night, because I have grown accustomed to talking to no one here.

It was more chats and laughter as we decided to take a long stroll to and fro the supermarket after we came back from dinner.

Although my mind was still filled with what happened the entire night, I am thankful that Samya, Ruth and my ward nurses have given the support I didn't expect, and for taking the nasty experience away from me for a few hours.

********

Dearie should be back frm America, but I have yet to hear from him. I should be annoyed about this, but to my surprise, I'm not feeling how I would expect myself to feel.

I sat down and asked myself if the recent happenings between me and Dearie has changed our relationship in any way.

And I think things have indeed changed.

I have always loved to share my daily happenings with Dearie, and although I know he doesn't appreciate anything medical, I was hoping he'll at least listen to me and give me support. I've been working myself very hard since I've started my job, and there are times I'm so exhausted. What I needed most is for someone to cheer me on, but whenever I bring this up to Dearie, his comments doesn't make me feel better. He'll always be telling me that it's not worth doing things for others, it's not worth being so nice, it's not worth working so hard, etc. At times, I do wish to hang up the call, and honestly, I've started to understand why doctors are always saying that it's better to have a bf/gf who is a doctor too.

Also, I admit that my trust and faith in Dearie has dropped drastically after his trip to America. Although we've made up, but I know that part of me doesn't trust him that much anymore. I have began to doubt my importance to him, and have seem to slowly accept my own assumption of my importance. I have decided not to ask him if my assumption is true again, because I think it's not words I want to hear anymore. It has got beyond the level whereby words would restore things. I'm also getting less and less excited abt Dearie's return. I know I want to see him again, but at the same time, I don't want to put on high hopes that he'll be back in time to celebrate our 2nd yr anniversary.