Different ways of caring

Dearie and I are so different in the way we care for each other, and I think it is a major reason to why we are getting into arguments. I was quite pleased that we managed to talk it out last night, and I do feel slightly better.

Stayed up till 5am since it's a 8 hour difference between San Francisco and UK. I was "dying", but I don't ever feel at peace with myself if I don't get to hear his voice, so I forced myself to stay up, dozing off and waking up in a shock at various intervals of the night.

Called him, and again, another female picked up the phone. I went blank again when I heard her voice, but I calmly asked if my bf is around, and thank goodness, I didn't kick up a fuss (I won't lah..but then for the 3rd time this has happened) because it was his Aunt. I'm sure his family will start getting into a "red alert" mood if I lost my cool and get terribly upset over "females picking up Dearie's calls", and ring up Dearie immediately to question him. Honestly, I have no idea what's wrong with his phone...it either gets diverted to some wrong number, or to his family.

I managed to get him in the end, and I was quite glad that he chose to speak to me rather than carrying his initial plan of having chats with his group. No, I'm not trying to pull him away from them, but I don't really like it if I get neglected because of his new friends. I believe in knowing who is more important, and because I know I won't ever neglect my bf because of my friends, I tend to expect him to be the same way. I don't like the feeling of being insecure, worrying about people replacing me in his heart, even though he reassured me time and time again that it will never happen. But it's just my phobia which I cannot overcome. I can't make myself believe completely in it, and take it all lightly, only to realise that it's too late. I don't want history to repeat itself.

I told Dearie about this, and I think our level of trust for each other is somewhat different. He trusts me COMPLETELY, and he said his 6th sense tells him that I won't fall for anyone else no matter where I am because he knows how much I love and value him. That's why he's not worried about who I'm out with, who I'm having dinner with etc. But I am worried all the time. It's not because I don't trust him, but because I'm not from China, I tend to see it as a weakness, and any cow in the right mind would go for someone from the same country as them to make things easier (when our major problem now is worrying abt being different lands). He knows I'm haunted by the problem of being apart in future, and said if he decides to go to abroad for studies in future, he'll make sure he marries me first so that he can take me along, and not leave me alone in another land waiting for him. I hope he keeps his word.

I also told Dearie that I don't mind staying up to wait for him (even though I dread waiting) just as long as I know that he's happy to hear from me, but if he doesn't sound pleased and isn't very polite to me, I will feel very hurt. And Dearie said he minds a lot about my staying up till dawn to wait for him, because he's worried about my health. He knows that I'm usually not eating very well abroad, and with my long working hours, he's worried about my health deteriorating. And he feels very guilty each time I fall ill because of him.

Dearie said he can't wait to come back to UK, because he misses me very much. That was pretty consoling. And he tried to excite me by telling me how many days are left before he's by my side again. October seems to creep slower than other months. I guess maybe because he's in America, and it has been a nightmare keeping in touch, so much so that I do regret a little encouraging him to go there. And I'm more aware of the days too, and become more anxious about having the days pass faster.