Unveiling the truth

Finally, got to call home. But today's chat with Mum was quite sianz...nothing much to tell her about (so odd hor?...considering how much I talk to her all the time)

She was telling me all about Frederick and his gf. I think my brother's madly in love with this girl, and is making it really official by bringing her to see my parents and relatives already. Kinda shocking. She's probably kinda blending in with my family now, despite still being a little uncomfortable. But I think she does deserve the credit for trying. Mum was telling me that she's hanging out in our house quite a few times a week now...gosh..

And hearing about how open my brother can be about his rship does make me envious. I, too, wish to unveil the truth to Mum. But whenever I talk to her or Dad, I dare not do so. Perhaps I'm just sensitive, but they don't seem terribly interested in finding out more. And the way they sound on the phone makes me sometimes wonder if they're just letting me talk about him because they think it's rude to stop me, and not because they want to hear about it.

I was tempted to tell Dad that I want to go to China during summer, but I didn't dare to.

I really wish I can tell my parents about my relationship, like how I did for the past ones. But I have no idea why I do not dare to do so this time. I can sort of expect their reaction if they do know the truth. How supportive can they ever get regarding this matter?

Shopping

We went shopping yesterday for my gloves. It was a fulfilling trip, but I spent LOTS!

I love pretty things, and do love dressing up, but whenever I start thinking about the amount I have to spend to do so, it puts me off, and back to the plain jane I am again. And because of this, I rarely buy anything nice for myself here and will end up purchasing something which is cheap and not fuss about it.

But CG thinks spending on good quality stuffs is good. And because of this, we can't go into really cheapo stores, but end up in boutiques or departmental stores which are filled with branded stuffs only.

Went to Accessorize to look for gloves. Accessorize is a very lovely shop and I adore it, but the things are NOT cheap. CG chose a pair for me which looks really classy because of the fur at the wrist area, but that will mean I can only wear it if I'm dressing up for a more formal occasion, and I had to reject it because I want to just buy one which I can wear for any normal day too. Finally we settled for a leather one which costs 15 quid. Love it very much, and because it looks so similar to the one he's got, he termed them as couple gloves...lol...

He commented on my leather shoes which I have been wearing to hospital for 3 years. It looks pathetic, but it's comfortable. Half of my heels are already worn off, but I just can't bear to throw them away. He can't stand that pair of shoes, and kept saying it fits the bin perfectly. He like this pair of boots in Zara which had a pointed front. Classy, but because it was stiletto heels, I didn't want to buy it since I didn't want to have my legs aching in the hospital after long hours of walking. So we went to take a look at more shoes at Ravel.

Always dreamt of buying a pair of high boots but it isn't easy for me since my calves are small. But we finally found one which fits me! It's made of black leather and I love it because I can wear it with my winter coats or other more casual coats too. And the best thing is..I can finally wear skirts!!!

We love that pair of boots, so I bought it. There goes 70 quid. He must really dread my old pair of shoes, because he refused to let me wear them, and flunked them into the bin when I tried to stop him. I was quite sad about it because I love my old pair, and he made me laugh when he went "I know you love that pair of shoes, but give them a break ok? They must be tired after serving you for 3 years already. They told me so."....hahahahahhaa.

Anyway, the sweetest bit wasn't him trying to dress me up by choosing my gloves and boots, but what he did at Ravel.

He thinks that having jeans stuffs inside boots look nice, and lots of girls are doing that. And when the salesgirl brought the boots over, he came over to stuff my jeans into my boots and zipped it up for me. I was shocked...and very touched. I, sitting on the armchair, felt like some little princess. It brought me back to those days whereby my dad will slip my feet into shoes and tie my shoelaces. I was smiling throughout.

Watched Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire last night. Not bad, at least I kinda understand the movie. I watched the Prisoner of Azkaban the last time, and I had no idea what the whole movie was about, and almost dozed off. But at least I didn't feel sleepy this time.

Oh yes, he's cooking dinner for me tonight..yay!!!! I get to try his delicious cooking again. It's gonna be quite a spread I suppose. Can't wait!

Once it's gone, u wait for it again

It snowed last night, when I was in my room with the curtains totally shut. I have no idea why I love shutting my curtains. Perhaps I felt that my privacy won't be invaded, perhaps I was more comfortable being a world of my own. I guess hating having my curtains open for long was a response to my withdrawal, which had gone unnoticed even by myself, until I started wondering why naturally..I'll just close it straight after I've checked if it's raining outside, or when I think I've got enough cool air from outside. Even the windows, I dread it when it's open.

And it's not just in my bedroom that I do this. I do it in CG's room too. I naturally will go close the window when I'm at his place, when he keeps it open most of the time. And I don't like the curtains open as well, and I would not hesitate to close it if it's in my room. I feel slightly uncomfortable, and I do realise that I keep looking out of the window. Not because I was curious about the building, not because I like them. I just do it for an unexplainable reason...but definitely, paranoia isn't the reason. That, I'm sure of.

Anyway, I never told him to close the curtains and would try to put my "insane" thoughts aside.
Or I'll just find some excuse or reason to get him to close it. Partly because of my dislike of it, and partly because I didn't like people from the apartment opposite to look in from their balcony.

Back to the main topic about the snow.

Yeah, I missed it and only realised it this morning (how to witness when it snows when my curtains are always closed?!) when I saw the ground and cars covered with thick snow. My heart sank on the spot because I have missed it. I have been waiting and waiting for it because I have always wanted to walk in the snow with someone I like. I have never ever had a chance to do so, and I thought that I might really get a chance to do so this year. But..I missed it.

Sent a sms to CG this morning and told him I missed the snow and told him I am really disappointed. And now I wonder if I should have sent that sms. I must have sounded insane for being disappointed over snow.

I went for CBT teaching today. And there was a lot of discussion made on one of "the topics". I was made to read what patients with that diagnosis wrote about their thoughts and feelings. It sounded really familiar, and I felt "back in that time". My tears were whelming up, and I had to grab my arm to tell myself that I must control my tears from rolling out. I am scared. I don't want to go back to it and re-experience it all over again. Yet at times, more frequently these 2-3 days, I felt like I was taking a step back and falling back to it. And that scares me, and I am trying to resist it.

I have learnt so much about "the topic" now, and I do know that I had been inadequately managed. I knew that the management given to me was rubbish, and it wouldn't do me any good in the long term. I knew what I needed, but I wasn't given. And then I find myself turning up to see "him" when I know that it's just a routine and I was just gonna pay money for not getting anything out of it.

My mind's in a mess now. Probably it's the hormones which is making me feel low at the moment..so I'm just blabbering.

Shall go glove shopping now. Hopefully, it'll make me feel better.

The Perfect Date

I was extremely excited about the date yesterday because we were going to watch "The King and I".

It was the perfect kind of date I have always dreamt of and it took place last night.

The musical was fantastic. The music was good and so were the props and costumes. Again, it made me wish I had done something with Arts rather than Science...lol. The voices of the singers were beautiful.

CG and I were so in love with one of the "king's children". It's this little chinese girl around the age of 4. She's so small in size, and got this enchanting smile. And during this part whereby she went hiding under her father's pants and smiled, it made the audience go "Awwwww..."..haha.

The last part was quite touching. I almost cried, but had to hold back my tears cos I didn't want my tears to ruin my make up. =P

I enjoyed it so much, and it felt even better having someone I like next to me watching it too. Was glad he enjoyed it even though he couldn't understand every sentence in the musical.

The evening ended with buying a portion of southern fried chicken and chips on our way home, and having him cook dinner for us. It was only a simple bowl of instant noodles, but it tasted very delicious to me. Must admit that because it's him who cooked it, so it tasted better than any other bowl of noodles.

Now we're looking forward to going shopping together since he thinks I should get a pair of gloves soon and also for the ballet performance in December.

Also, can't wait for Romeo and Juliet in February...hehe...

BAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm counting down to the end of Psychiatry. Can't wait to finish it once and for all.

Been having some problems with a coursemate, which is making me boil and slightly affected by it. I wouldn't have given shit if it weren't because I regarded her as a friend. Hate the way she blows hot and cold at me as if I have offended her forefathers. I know she dreads every bit of Psychiatry as well, but I'm dreading it just as badly too. And I just hate the way she criticises every patient. Yes, they are insane. They are problematic, but they deserve respect. If you dread these people so much, then just don't do Psychiatry in the near future, but at least shut up and stop grumbling about how fucked up those patients are.

I have done my best to continue being patient, tolerant and nice to her. And for every minor thing she snaps at me about, I apologise when deep down, I want to tell her that I'm not borned to be scolded for no good reason. And if I knew it would have offended her, I wouldn't have done that. But it's getting to the point whereby I am doing it not because I really want to, but because I'm trying not to let our friendship go towards the undesirable end of the spectrum.

Couldn't stand it last night when she sounded farking annoying after I msged her. I was just being nice by telling her to keep warm since it's freezing out there, and for goodness sake, even if u don't need it, at least be appreciative, which obviously she isn't when I saw her reply.

Darn sick of people like that, especially here in UK. Imagine having future colleagues like that. Fortunately, I am not someone who is very involved with my coursemates, or else I wonder how many people will be gossiping about me, or giving me a smile but cursing me behind my back. You can just hear how your own coursemates terming who and who as a bitch or a bastard just during coffee sessions. But because of my terribly small social circle here which is as good as insignificant, I know it's not right either. And people who I deem as friends here are superficial here too, perhaps because they think everyone else around them is too.

I am so disappointed in them, and CG said it's common...and I should not let these people affect me. That's true. Not worth it. Was wondering if I'm just suay to always meet ridiculous people, and seeing so many such ppl around just makes me wanna stay far away from them and go back to my own little world.

Good thing I have CG here to talk and spend time with me. But I don't know how long he's ever gonna be here with me too. And it does fear me a little. I can feel myself being less independent as the days pass. Then when I start feeling so, it worries me. What's going to happen when he's not by my side anymore? Will I go back to my original spot? I really don't want to go back there now that I have made progress after trying hard.

Fucking dread being in UK....it's miserable..

Cold outside, warm within

It's a freezing night. The UK weather has turned drastic and it's been freezing these few days, but none as bad as tonight. We could hardly see anything before our eyes. The roads were really quiet because it's terribly unsafe to drive with this thick and heavy foggy condition. There were very few people walking in the streets too. And police were on duty on the roads to ensure road safety. Roads were closed etc.

Our hands were hurting in the cold, and we couldn't have them stuffed in the pockets because we were carrying our groceries.

But despite freezing out there, we both felt warm inside...

As we were walking back hand-in-hand in the cold and having our hands hurting, we passed a bus stop...the bus stop where we took shelter at during a heavy downpour once..

CG: Do you remember this bus stop?
Me: Yup...I won't forget...
*pause*
Me: Did you already like me then?
CG: Yeah..

I smiled. =)

Can't wait for tomorrow evening. Gonna watch "The King and I" musical with him instead of our planned Friday. On emergency on call tmr..shucks. Hopefully I will not have it dragging all the way till evening. Or else I'm gonna miss a cheap deal for the musical. It's only 5 quid per ticket tmr (compared to 27 quid if we insist on the Friday one)!

My 1st time watching a musical with a guy I'm attached to. I'm really looking forward to it. I never thought I'll get a chance like that with someone I am with.

That smile

Yesterday it was my first time cooking for my bf and he's the first bf of mine who has tried my cooking.

It made me really excited yesterday, and I got up pretty early to go to the market to buy the ingredients.

Spent some time in the kitchen in the evening to make dinner. I was feeling happy while doing it yesterday. Now I know how it feels like to cook something for someone u like.

Made chicken rice (he claims to have never tried it), you cai, and soup. He was impressed when I set up the table. "I am deceived by your looks and personality!" he said. And the ultimate joy I got was when he smiled and said it's delicious. He ate a lot and I guess that probably tells me he's not lying abt saying the food's good.

CG: Even if I don't miss you, I'll definitely miss your cooking. Do you know, in China, people say that if a girl can cook well, their husband or bf will love them more?
Me: Really?!
CG: Yes. And it so happens that I find girls who cannot cook a turn off. The thought of having to go home to eat the food she cooks which taste horrible.....argh..
Me: Hahaha..but that doesn't matter right? You can cook dinner then. You cook very well.
CG: But I can't be the one cooking everyday. She's got to cook quite often too. You know, among all the girls who have cooked for me before, I don't have to think twice or hesitate to say you're the best.

I was on cloud nine cos he's a very fussy eater and I was worried he'll not like my cooking.

He said he'll be cooking for me next week. Manz, can't wait!

Was telling him that I shall try to make jiaozi after my exams, and he gave me a stunned look. He thinks it's difficult and time-consuming, but I will still give it a shot. I am quite confident that I can do it. He misses it very much, so that's just gonna motivate me to succeed in making it.

We said we'll make sushi together too. I wonder when that'll be. But I reckon it'll be fun. He just loves it, and said if I ever go to Beijing, we'll challenge ourselves by trying EVERY sushi and maki available in a particular japanese restaurant. He claims that there are about 150 types in that restaurant.

He also talked about moving out of his present room again since his lease will be expiring in January...

CG: Let's go get a studio and stay together ok? We'll have our own kitchen, and I can be by your side whenever we're at home.
Me: Cannot. My parents will kill me...
CG: Why?
Me: Which parent wouldn't if they know their daughter is living together with a guy in the same room. I'm sure your parents won't like it too.
CG: But you can save money that way. I'll pay the rent. I can cook dinner for you too. At most, we'll hide it from our parents.
Me: I know. But I can't. And parents aside, I will have to move out again when u leave. I don't want to keep moving because I have loads of things.
CG: I can see that. Ok then. I'll go see if I can find a room on the same floor as you.

I know he's disappointed, but I really cannot say "Yes" even if I want to. I'm sure my dad will make sure I move out immediately from the studio. I understand their worries and fears. Mum did mention before that I can make my own life choices after I graduate from med sch...so I guess everything will have to wait till then. And that probably includes making my rship with CG known to them if we're still tgt. Somehow I got a feeling that my parents don't want to know too.

Sigh. Enuff said. I better get down to some revision. How sickening. It's already Sunday. Dread Sundays.

To hell to blogs, IRC and Friendster

Can't imagine how rubbish the internet world is....

1. Blogs
You get nonsensical people who blog to be famous, gaining fans and endless hatemails. And when there's nothing else for them to blog, they start blogging rubbish just to make sure a new entry is up and fans won't abandon them. You also get people who blog for friends to know what they're up to, and end up getting readers from dunno which part of the galaxy who go criticising them in the blog when in the first place, does it concern them? And you get those who blog cos they like it and don't give a fark abt who's reading, and end up being asked to keep it private cos it affects some people who happen to be reading it. Ridiculous.

2. IRC
Gone were the days whereby you get innocent chats online. I miss those days, and would really love to go into IRC again to relive it. But you start realising that 95% of the people in there are either childish, having this desire to expose themselves to you, or looking for sex.

3. Friendster
Set up with the purpose of creating your own friend network and being able to know what they're up to whenever they change their profile, upload photos, update blogs etc. And also with the purpose of making new friends. Then you get fucked up people who use it to find out how you look like and dig into your information just because they think u're having an affair with their bf and then sending u msges to insult u even before they got their farking facts right, or having idiots who stalk u. And worse, those who use your photos to impersonate you and making your false profile look like that of a whore's!

I had a big row with him yesterday, making me feel very down but I can't even let my emotions out.

And because I was so upset, I said something which I shouldn't have said, and never did I think I would have even said such a thing out. It broke his heart, and I know it when he stormed out. Went to his room after a while to see how he is, but his just-to-be-sent-to-me-sms just made me decide to leave without a word.

To him, what kind of girl I am? I feel so ashamed of myself...of my past. Sometimes, I felt that I should have lied. I should not have told him I had relationships before so that I can hide this unglorious bit of me. Yet, I didn't want to hide anything from him because I don't like others hiding things from me either.

Then I knew it would hurt him if I told him too much. And even if he's willing to listen, I'm sure he won't like it, and will keep remembering it.

There's so much misunderstandings between us. I comment on people's appearance doesn't mean I go for someone with the looks. I talk about Kelvin not because I still like him. I stand closer to take photos with guys not because I like them. And most importantly, I had a lot of past rships not because I like being with numerous guys. I don't feel the least proud of it at all.

What he said isn't wrong. What was there for me to hold tightly to my rships? He said it's not as if I've been treated well or the guy is really good-looking. And went on to how did I actually like those people? It was a genuine comment of his, but when he said all that, I got sad. I had my reasons to why I refused to let go and of course, I had my reasons to why I liked them. I had no idea why I got a different treatment and why I had to be treated that way. I felt very sad whenever that happens too, but I don't want to let go because I treasure my relationships and I want to try to save it if I can. I rather have one relationship and stick with it for life, but if it's not meant to be that way, what can I do about it?

CG: How could you have liked those guys?
Me: I...
CG: Yeah, they went after you first right? Fine. So just because they did, you just accepted them?!

That hurts. Am I such a girl to him? I don't think I have accepted every guy who liked me. It was just something he said, but why did I feel like I'm some really cheap bitch?

I didn't defend myself. I couldn't because what can I say? Tell him I treasured my relationships and I really wish my rships would last? That wouldn't have made any sense even if I meant it when I say I hope my rship will last. Simply because they didn't. How the hell did I end up with so many past rships which not even one lasted for a decent period?

I can't forget his "Something must be wrong with you" even though I have tried to put it behind me last week. I do want to know what did I do wrong, especially for my last 2 rships, but till today, I still don't know if it was things I did which made them leave me. I did everything I could to keep my rship and be the best gf I can ever be, but they still left. Jason left me for a reason which had no relation to me, and I was forced to accept it. I kept the promise of not telling anyone what that reason is, and when CG asked, I didn't tell him either. Till this very moment, I am still trying to understand that reason Jason gave, reading a lot to find out why this is happening to him, so that I can understand him better, console myself that he had a valid reason to leave me, and allow myself to seal this whole secret up for good and get on with the rest of my life. Jon left me for reasons which were senseless and unacceptable. I had done him no wrong, and I am sure I didn't deserve the way he treated me. CG will never understand how it felt, and why I made myself go through all that, constantly telling myself to forgive and understand them.

Anyway, I lost my cool while tears were whelming up.

Me: How long do you know me? What do you know? You know nothing at all! You know nothing abt my past, you know nothing about what happened. Do you think I feel happy that I've got into so many rships before? I don't. And that I know I'm not pretty and yes, something must be very wrong with me that's why. And if u think I'm so, then we should just end the whole rship now!"
CG: What did you say..?

That made me realise I said something very wrong.

CG: You're right. I don't know you for a long time. I don't know much about you. We're going too fast. We should reconsider our relationship.

And he stormed out.

I felt guilty even though I was very sad internally. So I went down to see him after a while, and he was just about to send me a sms. It wasn't a pleasant one. He said he didn't expect me to be a girl who gets angry easily, and I broke his heart by just calling the rship off like that, and we should reconsider the rship based on the fact that we don't know each other much.

I didn't know what to say anymore, so I just went back to my room without a word. And haven't heard from him since.

After all that has happened, I guess he must be seeing me as a girl who gets angry easily, goes for looks, takes my rships lightly, no personality and not pretty..and it'll just not gonna be worth it to like and be with someone like me. And I don't think there is a need for me to explain myself either...it's pointless trying to convince someone when I don't even have anything to back my argument.

Random stuffs

All's been well these days :)

He chatted with me while I was still pretty sore abt it, and so kindly said he don't mind having dinner with me last Sunday. Walked ard town, found the restaurant we wanted to go to closed, so ended up buying fish & chips. It was really sweet of him to cook me noodles when we came back. It was nice sitting at the bar table, watching him cooking in the kitchen. A simple bowl of instant noodles, but it did make my night (and for some strange reason, it was delicious). Had a discussion, and we decided to put our quarrels behind us.

Bought him an english dictionary on Monday since his electronic dictionary doesn't have toooo many words, and it's a english-chinese one too. He wanted a purely english one, and I decided to spring a surprise on him by purchasing it for him. He was so touched and I felt very appreciated for my effort when he started smiling and gave a great hug. He then said, "How should I thank u for your effort? Dinner together tonight ok?" I was absolutely elated.

Went to Zushi and dinner was good. It just amuses me when he keeps going "Do you want this? It looks nice." and takes them like as if the food was cheap when it isn't. Had to keep reminding him of the shock he's gonna get when the bill comes if he keeps taking everything. Had so much fun chatting and eating dinner with him, until this Korean lady (with an angmo husband) stopped us when we were leaving. Manz, she kinda pissed me off and I do regret being very polite to her (because she's Asian). She was commenting on the way Asians communicate to each other..and telling me that her clients at work are always commenting that Asians speak quite loudly compared to Whites, and she thinks Asians should lower their volumes.

Goodness gracious. I was so tempted to tell her "Hello? Maybe you'll like to check what skin colour you are before u talk to me? And who cares about whether your husband or your clients are Whites and what your clients think? I am Chinese. I am proud of being Chinese, and if it's the Asian culture that we speak louder than Whites, and if I don't personally (and my friends too) find it annoying in any way, I am going to be the way I am, keeping my own culture. Don't give me the westerner crap. I might be in UK, but I'm not a White, so there is no good reason to why I should adopt their culture, do things their way just to please them, and let them boss me around. And YOU, being Asian yourself, should probably look at yourself and your fellow Korean youngsters before commenting on the way the other Asians are. Only give me advice when you are fit to. Plus, just in case you think I'm racist...I want to tell you I'm not. I just respect my race like the way I do for other races, and in return, I expect the same respect given to me. By the way, maybe you'll like to remind your clients that British are just as loud. I think anyone who isn't deaf can jolly well hear it on the streets."

Bah! Just hate those who are yellow-skinned and with a white husband, who gives me all the lecture abt the "western" shit, expecting me to bow to them, to please them. What makes them more superior? *rolls eyes*

********

A psychiatric nurse brought up something really interesting..hahahah...

"When you talk to God, you're praying. But why is it when one claims that God is talking to him, is he Schizophrenic?"

Hahahahahaa...yeah..why ah? Tsk tsk...

His call late at night came as a surprise. And I am appreciative that he said he wanted to come over and see me.

He was concerned about how I was taking it, and said "Sorry" for the first time even though he admitted that he didn't know why he was apologising. He just didn't want us to end up being unhappy, and he felt that maybe he was pretty nasty and harsh on me. I could see he was guilty abt it all, sincere abt his apologies, and remorseful abt hurting me when he told himself before that he won't make me unhappy. He also told me that we do have a lot of differences between us and he wants to sort them out so tt we can bring our rship to a higher level, rather than just give it up straight away.

I should be more than touched, but I found my emotions going quite numb. I suppose I underestimated the amt of hurt I felt, underestimated the impact his words had on me. And I found myself not responding very much even though he hugged me to sleep the entire night. His hugs told me many things. I could feel it. He said something to me too...something he nv dare tell me because he was shy...but I think he didn't knew I heard it because I'm sure he thought I have dozed off. I was satisfied to have heard it this way...at least..for the 1st time, he said how he felt for me without me asking him to say it just to make me feel over the rainbow for a few minutes.

And I really had no idea how to answer him when he said "We are still together right?". Together? Were we? I don't even know if I'm single or attached till this moment, so how am I going to answer this question. I told him that without an intention of pressuring him. His reaction? Speechless. I wasn't expecting him to say anything either since from what he told his flatmate was kinda obvious that he's not very willing to let anyone know abt us. I am hurt, but I guess I can try to cope with it myself.

There's so much he doesn't know. There's so much I want him to know, but I know he isn't pleased...so I decided to avoid telling him. But perhaps because of this, he doesn't see the impact his actions and speech has on me. And just when he came over to apologise for being nasty and harsh, he had to say something again to hurt me even further..."You had so many past rships before and all ended up nowhere. It can't be all of them are crap. There must be something wrong with u." I didn't need someone to go digging into my wounds. I didn't explain myself, didn't tell him what actually happened because I know he doesn't like it and you bet I was tempted to just say "Yes, there is something very wrong with me and tt's the reason why all my rships ended. Are you satisfied now?" and ask him to take his leave, don't look for me ever again and take all his apologies back to his room with him.

I guess only one thing had an impact on him this morning...

"You made me feel u're not very much different from the last 2. Guys are guys afterall. No matter where they come from, they're more or less the same."

He's probably really hurt after hearing me say this to him and have these words repeating in head countless times today, but I've reached a point whereby I am not in the mood to say anything to console him. Not now at least.

I am terribly hurt.

Maybe..telling each other how I felt for you is wrong! Wrong from the 1st day!

I know I don't mean much to you. And I have nothing that attracts you too. I only have flaws and nothing else. I don't have feelings and it's only unreasonable if I do get hurt or angry.

I know you aren't proud of having me. If not, when your flatmate asked u if u've got a gf, you wouldn't have said "No". I can accept the fact that u don't want your parents to know, but do u even have to hide it from a flatmate who is insignificant to u?

I have appreciated every single thing that u have done for me, and yes, I do admit that I haven't done anything much for u except to tolerate the way you brush me off, your irritated tone at times, etc. I know u probably don't even realise that almost everyday, u'll hurt me with something u say. I tolerated all that, and kept telling myself that that's just u. But there will come a point whereby I do get very hurt too. I have feelings too.

And I know u'll never ever come after me if I walk out of that door if I'm really very hurt and upset. It happened once, and that just let me realise that u're someone who won't care.

But what you did and said to me today just hurt me utterly, and despite how tolerant I tried to be over the past weeks, today, I think I had enough.

If you do care abt me, u will look for me. If not, then so be it...

Chaotic Cardiff

It was a nightmare for me and Yang Wen yesterday, and boy was I glad that things turned out fine in the end.

Wales vs Fiji at the Millenium Stadium last night. And as usual, it was terribly chaotic with rowdy and excited people streaming their way into the stadium and loitering around those areas.

I have absolutely NO interest in whateva match is going on here in Cardiff, and was really shocked when I got a msg from Yang Wen telling me that there's a match going on. Hurriedly rushed straight to the coach station from my place since I was worried abt her.

It seemed like a really cool experience for her since she loves the happy crowd, but I was thinking otherwise. She's supposed to catch a coach to go back to London after an overnight stay here, and I was damn freaking worried she will be lost abt where to catch the bus if the central bus station is closed.

Fortunately, this little thing managed to get to the right place to wait for the coach. BUT suay enuff, the police had to close up ALL the roads around the Millenium Stadium (that "waiting pt" included) when they usually don't. All because of a bomb scare...grrr...

And the most frustrating thing is the police doesn't even know where the coach will go to pick up passengers after they have closed up the roads. I ran around trying to find out, but NONE was able to tell me. This is utterly ridiculous. Is this the type of police a country has??! And as usual, to run away from the situation is to tell u "Go ask the other policeman over there. He might know". Goodness..just a bomb scare and that's the kind of situation u'll be in. I don't think I want to know what happens if there ever is an emergency (touch wood!)

The weather was bloody freezing and raining like nobody's biz too. Both of us were freezing together with the other 7 ppl who were also waiting for the same coach. And apparently, when this African guy called the coach company, they told him that the coach has left Cardiff and is on its way to Newport! How insane!!!! So irresponsible! I didn't dare leave her in the lurch, so stayed by her throughout. Poor girl was freezing, so I was hugging her to try to keep her warm, and as a result..my hands turned lobster red in the cold. Damn painful.

Fortunately this African guy is around. He's damn aggressive manz. He was practically scolding the staff like there's no tomorrow and threatening to sue the company etc etc. I love watching the way he fights for his rights and forcing the other party into the dead end until they gave him what he deserve. I was full of admiration for him. :)

I guess the staff on the line must be having such a bad time that he didn't have a choice but to book a taxi to drive all of them to London. Manz! How cool is that?! Yang Wen managed to pay only 1 quid for a return ticket from London to Cardiff, and she got a taxi ride all the way back to London! Haaa..!!!!

All's well finally, and hence, this nightmare turned out to be an experience she probably will never forget. Looking forward to see her coming to Cardiff again. She claims this place is wonderful and she luvs it very much.

Felt so bad receiving a box of prettily-decorated chocs from her. I haven't been such a good host actually...didn't thought I deserved it.

Got home, showered and went to look for CG, as promised.

Am glad that we managed to clear a few misunderstandings last night. We didn't quarrel, but I could sense that he was upset with me, and I was too, upset with him.

We're both chinese..but I guess there are still cultural and behavioural differences between our countries. I know it's just him, it's just his attitude, it's just the way he is. And he didn't realise that I would feel offended or hurt the way he brushes me off at times. And I was being insensitive at times, especially when I kept talking to Yang Wen and neglecting him when he so kindly accompanied me to the coach station as he was worried abt my safety.

We have both agreed to make changes to this after very much explanation abt how we talk and behave back in our country. And it did touch me when he said "I think I should improve in my English, or else I won't be able to communicate much with your friends and your family if I ever get to see them." I realise how bad he felt, and I shall be more sensitive towards this language barrier he faces in future. :)

Shall hit the books now before I go to Ikea later (I hope!)..hehe. If not, then most likely it'll be crabs for dinner since CG's having a crave for it.

Get a hold of yourself Michelle

I am so pissed off with myself. And confused about what's going on with my life at the moment.

I do not look forward to the mornings, and definitely don't look forward to even going to hospital/clinic.

Maybe I just hate Psychiatry due to its disorganisation, and having toooooo much time wasted on WAITING (I hate this!!!!). And I don't actually know what I'm gonna do if I turn up at clinic either. The only time I know I'm doing something is IF I have got a scheduled teaching session. And sadly, that's the ONLY time I manage to keep my eyes open.

I don't get enuff sleep, and I blame myself for it.

I don't study as much as I want to, or hope to, and it's also my fault.

And it gets shittier knowing my exhaustion and frustration is contributing to me being more disorganised than ever! Then I get more frustrated..and the vicious cycle goes on. I MUST get something done about this VERY soon. Will get them all settled this weekend. Finally my long waited weekend is coming, and it should be the time to really have fun and relax, but I'm too bothered by stuffs that maybe..it just isn't the right time to do so.

I think Sophie is getting pissed off with me too. I feel darn shit. I don't know what I'm doing, and not very enthusiastic. She isn't too, and is probably just as pissed off abt the waiting and not learning/doing much. She sounded pretty nasty when talking to me today. I am not sure if I offended her unknowingly or she's just in a foul mood. And her "You shouldn't have asked the patient directly if she's got suicidal thoughts which could be caused by her problems. That's so offending!" after we saw a patient shocked me and made me go blank. I didn't mean to cause any offence to anyone. I didn't even see what's so offending abt it. But perhaps angmos are just sensitive, which at times, I don't fucking understand. What's the fucking problem? If u have, say YES and if you don't, just say NO.

And it's only in this block that I felt really fucking frustrated with PSYCHOSOCIAL aspect of things. Yes, it IS impt, but it's getting to a point that it just slows everything down because it makes everything too restrictive and I feel that the whole medical school is OVER obsessed with it. Imagine being in a situation whereby you have to wait 1 HOUR in the nurse station for the doctor to finish talking to the patient just because the doc went to see the patient 10 mins before u arrive, and the ward sister insists that it's not fair to the patient if u go and sit in and listen to his/her problem. And another situation whereby u're told to stay in the office to wait for the doc to return from a home visit because the doc insists on only taking ONE student with him to do a home visit. And another situation whereby u sit in a room for bloody 3 hours just to listen to doctors talk among themselves about patients when in the first place, you don't even know what's the patient's got..and all u hear about them talk about is "So shall we increase the dosage?", "I think we should contact the social workers" etc.

I feel that it doesn't even matter if I don't even turn up. And being already damn sick of this placement...and trying to make myself feel more enthusiastic abt it, facing such situations everyday just turns me the other way instead.

Then I suddenly have many other academic issues being thrown to me. Totally rubbish matters, but have to be settled. The elective is already making me frustrated, and now I have darn projects and personal tutor matters to sort out.

Can see my stress levels piling and my thoughts are so disorganised. I have to get all this sorted by hook or by crook this weekend. If this goes on any longer, it's only sooner or later I'll get my entire life screwed up again. Can't afford to let it happen. Sigh...

Can someone just knock me out pls... :(

This is what we'll do

Called home yesterday, told Mum about my week, and told her I have do have an interest in someone in UK, but didn't tell her anything more. I wanted to know what my parents think.

Their response came as no surprise for me. Dad must be thinking his little girl must be being childish again with his "Oh no, one chapter closed and the start of another now". Mum reminded me that my studies come as priority and I should not get into a rship until I grad. I understand their worries, but I'm hurt because...do I always sound like a little girl talking? Do my parents know I am serious?

I dare not tell my parents that I have been checking up on medical career prospects in China. I dare not tell them what I have found, and keeping in the back of my mind after Mum commented that if I want to be with CG, I will have move to China to live and she's not keen on me doing that. And reminded me of the promises I made to the Gods whenever I visit the temple.

CG spoke to his parents yesterday too, and his parents asked him if he's been dating anyone recently. I reckon they are suspecting it because he's been asking his dad a lot about Singapore. He told his cousin abt me and being the rational her, she didn't give him full support. He told his friends, but none thought he was serious and thinks he's mad if he pursues this rship. I know all he wanted was someone to cheer him on which he couldn't find, accounting to why he wasn't in a very good mood last night.

I dare not tell him too much about what my parents said, but despite doing so, he was still quite pissed. He was pissed about the fact why ppl we trust most in our lives are not even giving us support, and he thinks this is an extremely big issue on my side because he's very worried that I'll just give up easily if we are going through a rough patch and negative comments making me lose more and more hope and motivation to keep it going. He's worried that I'll regret being tgt with him.

His worries are exactly the same as me. He said he'll tell his parents the truth after a few more months. And for me...with what my parents have said, I don't know how I'm gonna tell them. "Don't tell them. Why bother?!" Sophie said. Yes, why bother? But it's just me. I want to tell my parents things which mean a lot to me..I want to share with them impt things which are happening in my life because I love them. I only bring guys I'm serious about, home. I want them to know that. Apparently, I think my parents do want to meet CG, and was asking me if CG wants to go to Sg with me in December. I think they want to know how he's like, and find out more about his family background. My parents do feel worried that his family works for the government because it might be such a simple family afterall. It's complicated, even CG said it is. And not to mention that he's gonna follow his dad's footsteps. That's probably the one of the few ways if you want to lead a stable and comfortable life.

He told me he has thought a lot about us, and wants to discuss it with me. He said he will definitely go back to China one day, just that he doesn't know when since he'll try to stay in UK for as long as he can to accompany me. But should things not go well, and he has to go back home after his MSc, what plans do I have. He said he has made his decision, and wants to know what's mine and will respect it. I didn't reply. I was scared. I didn't know why he had to ask for my opinion since he thinks it's always better for a guy to end the rship so that the girl will not dare to pester him again. I told him if he wants to end it, I'll just accept it since it doesn't need 2 parties to consent on such matter. And he said he doesn't want to end it even if he goes back home. He said we'll maintain it long distance. He said he's not giving it up until I do. He told me the more others think we'll not work out, the more we have to prove it to them it will..even if it's really not meant to be..at least we have proven to them we are serious and we have tried. I went speechless after he said that. I wanted to cry because I didn't expect him to say that. I don't know if he will keep to his word, but I do not want to doubt him either.

So..I guess that's how we're gonna be, at least for the time being. I'll hang in there for as long as I can. I shall try not to turn back and keep reconsidering it since it doesn't make any of us happy.

Very touched

I had my first dinner cooked by a guy last night. It made my night.

And it wasn't a very elaborate one, but still, there was quite a lot of effort spent on it. I was impressed....very very impressed.

He commented last week that Thai Edge's fried rice is really simple to make, and said he'll make it one day. I thought he was just blowing his trumpet and kidding, but he made it last night. Fried rice wrapped in omelette. It was a very good try, but because we're so deprived of really good ingredients, the fried rice didn't turn out as ideal as we wanted it to be.

He also cooked vegetables and chicken wings. It was darn impressive! It looked so ordinary but when I tried it, I couldn't believe that he made it. It tasted soooooo good. This isn't a bias comment. It's true. It beats that cooked in the restaurant. The meat which he marinated to fry with the vege was so sweet, juicy and delicious.

The chicken wings was made differently from those we get outside too. I was expecting shrimp paste chicken, but it was a marination he created. For the first time, I tried chicken wings with the taste of cumin seeds (I think tt's what it's called). The meat in UK stinks a lot, but his wings didn't stink at all. It was so well made.

Boy was he proud of himself last night. Kept going "So I'm not that bad afterall right? Who said just because I live a good life, means I can't cook?"

And the reason why he wants himself to be a good cook is because he loves delicious food, and he will rather be the one cooking his family dinner next time if his wife cooks horribly. What a reason..

We watched Ying Xiong Ben Se I and II last night at his place. That show's pretty violent, but it was a good show (some parts was quite crappy though). He loves it, and got really excited when he found out his friend's got it.

I better study now. Might go out tonight to watch fireworks since it's Guy Fawke's Day. Then again, don't even know if we'll go. He sounds so lazy...and not very keen to even go to Ikea with me even though I really wanna go. Sigh. I miss Swedish meatballs..

I was sooooooo exhausted today that I dozed off in the afternoon, and didn't go shopping! BAH! I have been trying to get my ass to the city centre to buy shoes, but till now I haven't bought it yet.

I was still asleep when he came to my room to see if I'm alright. Briefly woke up when he touched my hand, and dozed off again. I just couldn't keep my eyes open. And soon, he dozed off too...lol...and shit..I overslept!

Was supposed to meet Jamie at Sainsbury to do some shopping for our dinner together tonight, but I just slept past the meeting time. Gosh, I should have set the alarm. Ended up calling her and telling her to just come straight to my flat after she has finished doing her shopping.

Anyway, Jaime, Christina and I had dinner at my place this evening. It was great! Each of us cooked a dish each, and it was yummy..slurp. We even had desserts! Had a good time gossipping and chatting abt all types of random stuffs. Tsk tsk tsk..girls will always be girls..hehee.

Jamie stayed on in my room and we chatted till pretty late. Then I went to CG's place. Goodness..now it's like a must to see each other every night before going to sleep. Despite the problem we're facing, I think I have been pretty happy, and I'm very touched by the amount of care and concern he showers me with. Then again, sometimes I feel that I'm starting to become slightly dependent on him, which isn't something I want. Yet when I try to be independent again, he will do things that will make me feel like a girl again.

I went for ballroom dance lessons at the Student Union on Tuesday evening, and came back really late. CG came home from Uni ard 8+, and didn't see me online, so he called me on my hp, asking me if I'm alright and if I'm still at clinic. I thought he called me because he wanted to go out to get something, but instead, he said he called because he was worried about why I'm not back when it's already so late and because it was also raining, he thought he might take a bus over to the clinic to meet me and accompany me home. I couldn't believe my ears when he said that, knowing how lazy he is.

He's gotta renew his tenancy soon. Yay...so happy that he's gonna stay put at this accomodation. But he's wondering if he should move up to the level where I'm staying or stay put in his present room. The advantage of staying at my floor is that he doesn't have to use the lift and stairs to go to my room...lol. Piangz, wat a reason. It's just 3 freaking storeys away currently!!!! *rolls eyes* Anyway, doesn't matter lah. As long as he doesn't leave this accomodation, finding each other isn't gonna be difficult. :)

Oh yes, I saw this really very nice jacket in his wardrobe just now!!! Can't wait for the weather to get colder so that I can see him wear it. It's a BMW jacket....black and dark grey..waterproof material. I just love that jacket sooooo much! Never knew BMW are into apparels.....

Be satisfied

I'm really touched. I came back early from hospital today, and wanted to go to the city to buy some food since I don't have anything to eat for breakfast already. And just when I was about to go, he came online in school.

Casually told him I'm going to buy some food, and I thought he'll just let me be, but instead, he said he'll accompany me and told me to wait for him.

Off to Tesco we went, had some fun shopping and spent 1 hr waiting for a bus. Then he suddenly told me this weekend, he'll cook dinner for us. I was so surprised! I thought he will forget all about it. And it made my heart melt when he said it's gonna be the first time he's cooking for a girl.

He also asked me when will I be telling my parents about us. I couldn't reply. I was planning to do so when he has done so actually. What should I say? How should I tell my parents? Besides...he hasn't even asked me to be his gf officially. I don't even know if he plans to either. But I'm still happy with the way we are. Mentally, we are together..at least that's what I think. I wonder if he thinks the same. Don't dare to ask him what he thinks. Anyway, I shouldn't ask for more.

The bus went past this scary place which I'm doing my attachment at. It's not a nice place to be in. There are prostitutes lurking around, drug addicts, and full of notorious and violent people ard. I am worried about being there, but yet excited. I really want to know how these people are like, despite being afraid that they will hurt me if I'm unlucky. CG was really curious about where is this scary place, and when he saw it, he told me he doesn't feel safe that I have to be there for the next few weeks almost everyday...and asked if I'll be home before the sky turns dark etc. I was happy to know that he's concerned about my safety, and I reassured him I'll be fine in that place. It's probably a good place for me to really be in contact with drug addicts and psychiatric patients, and I do hope I'll gain a lot of experience through this.