His call late at night came as a surprise. And I am appreciative that he said he wanted to come over and see me.

He was concerned about how I was taking it, and said "Sorry" for the first time even though he admitted that he didn't know why he was apologising. He just didn't want us to end up being unhappy, and he felt that maybe he was pretty nasty and harsh on me. I could see he was guilty abt it all, sincere abt his apologies, and remorseful abt hurting me when he told himself before that he won't make me unhappy. He also told me that we do have a lot of differences between us and he wants to sort them out so tt we can bring our rship to a higher level, rather than just give it up straight away.

I should be more than touched, but I found my emotions going quite numb. I suppose I underestimated the amt of hurt I felt, underestimated the impact his words had on me. And I found myself not responding very much even though he hugged me to sleep the entire night. His hugs told me many things. I could feel it. He said something to me too...something he nv dare tell me because he was shy...but I think he didn't knew I heard it because I'm sure he thought I have dozed off. I was satisfied to have heard it this way...at least..for the 1st time, he said how he felt for me without me asking him to say it just to make me feel over the rainbow for a few minutes.

And I really had no idea how to answer him when he said "We are still together right?". Together? Were we? I don't even know if I'm single or attached till this moment, so how am I going to answer this question. I told him that without an intention of pressuring him. His reaction? Speechless. I wasn't expecting him to say anything either since from what he told his flatmate was kinda obvious that he's not very willing to let anyone know abt us. I am hurt, but I guess I can try to cope with it myself.

There's so much he doesn't know. There's so much I want him to know, but I know he isn't pleased...so I decided to avoid telling him. But perhaps because of this, he doesn't see the impact his actions and speech has on me. And just when he came over to apologise for being nasty and harsh, he had to say something again to hurt me even further..."You had so many past rships before and all ended up nowhere. It can't be all of them are crap. There must be something wrong with u." I didn't need someone to go digging into my wounds. I didn't explain myself, didn't tell him what actually happened because I know he doesn't like it and you bet I was tempted to just say "Yes, there is something very wrong with me and tt's the reason why all my rships ended. Are you satisfied now?" and ask him to take his leave, don't look for me ever again and take all his apologies back to his room with him.

I guess only one thing had an impact on him this morning...

"You made me feel u're not very much different from the last 2. Guys are guys afterall. No matter where they come from, they're more or less the same."

He's probably really hurt after hearing me say this to him and have these words repeating in head countless times today, but I've reached a point whereby I am not in the mood to say anything to console him. Not now at least.