Get a hold of yourself Michelle

I am so pissed off with myself. And confused about what's going on with my life at the moment.

I do not look forward to the mornings, and definitely don't look forward to even going to hospital/clinic.

Maybe I just hate Psychiatry due to its disorganisation, and having toooooo much time wasted on WAITING (I hate this!!!!). And I don't actually know what I'm gonna do if I turn up at clinic either. The only time I know I'm doing something is IF I have got a scheduled teaching session. And sadly, that's the ONLY time I manage to keep my eyes open.

I don't get enuff sleep, and I blame myself for it.

I don't study as much as I want to, or hope to, and it's also my fault.

And it gets shittier knowing my exhaustion and frustration is contributing to me being more disorganised than ever! Then I get more frustrated..and the vicious cycle goes on. I MUST get something done about this VERY soon. Will get them all settled this weekend. Finally my long waited weekend is coming, and it should be the time to really have fun and relax, but I'm too bothered by stuffs that maybe..it just isn't the right time to do so.

I think Sophie is getting pissed off with me too. I feel darn shit. I don't know what I'm doing, and not very enthusiastic. She isn't too, and is probably just as pissed off abt the waiting and not learning/doing much. She sounded pretty nasty when talking to me today. I am not sure if I offended her unknowingly or she's just in a foul mood. And her "You shouldn't have asked the patient directly if she's got suicidal thoughts which could be caused by her problems. That's so offending!" after we saw a patient shocked me and made me go blank. I didn't mean to cause any offence to anyone. I didn't even see what's so offending abt it. But perhaps angmos are just sensitive, which at times, I don't fucking understand. What's the fucking problem? If u have, say YES and if you don't, just say NO.

And it's only in this block that I felt really fucking frustrated with PSYCHOSOCIAL aspect of things. Yes, it IS impt, but it's getting to a point that it just slows everything down because it makes everything too restrictive and I feel that the whole medical school is OVER obsessed with it. Imagine being in a situation whereby you have to wait 1 HOUR in the nurse station for the doctor to finish talking to the patient just because the doc went to see the patient 10 mins before u arrive, and the ward sister insists that it's not fair to the patient if u go and sit in and listen to his/her problem. And another situation whereby u're told to stay in the office to wait for the doc to return from a home visit because the doc insists on only taking ONE student with him to do a home visit. And another situation whereby u sit in a room for bloody 3 hours just to listen to doctors talk among themselves about patients when in the first place, you don't even know what's the patient's got..and all u hear about them talk about is "So shall we increase the dosage?", "I think we should contact the social workers" etc.

I feel that it doesn't even matter if I don't even turn up. And being already damn sick of this placement...and trying to make myself feel more enthusiastic abt it, facing such situations everyday just turns me the other way instead.

Then I suddenly have many other academic issues being thrown to me. Totally rubbish matters, but have to be settled. The elective is already making me frustrated, and now I have darn projects and personal tutor matters to sort out.

Can see my stress levels piling and my thoughts are so disorganised. I have to get all this sorted by hook or by crook this weekend. If this goes on any longer, it's only sooner or later I'll get my entire life screwed up again. Can't afford to let it happen. Sigh...

Can someone just knock me out pls... :(