Once it's gone, u wait for it again

It snowed last night, when I was in my room with the curtains totally shut. I have no idea why I love shutting my curtains. Perhaps I felt that my privacy won't be invaded, perhaps I was more comfortable being a world of my own. I guess hating having my curtains open for long was a response to my withdrawal, which had gone unnoticed even by myself, until I started wondering why naturally..I'll just close it straight after I've checked if it's raining outside, or when I think I've got enough cool air from outside. Even the windows, I dread it when it's open.

And it's not just in my bedroom that I do this. I do it in CG's room too. I naturally will go close the window when I'm at his place, when he keeps it open most of the time. And I don't like the curtains open as well, and I would not hesitate to close it if it's in my room. I feel slightly uncomfortable, and I do realise that I keep looking out of the window. Not because I was curious about the building, not because I like them. I just do it for an unexplainable reason...but definitely, paranoia isn't the reason. That, I'm sure of.

Anyway, I never told him to close the curtains and would try to put my "insane" thoughts aside.
Or I'll just find some excuse or reason to get him to close it. Partly because of my dislike of it, and partly because I didn't like people from the apartment opposite to look in from their balcony.

Back to the main topic about the snow.

Yeah, I missed it and only realised it this morning (how to witness when it snows when my curtains are always closed?!) when I saw the ground and cars covered with thick snow. My heart sank on the spot because I have missed it. I have been waiting and waiting for it because I have always wanted to walk in the snow with someone I like. I have never ever had a chance to do so, and I thought that I might really get a chance to do so this year. But..I missed it.

Sent a sms to CG this morning and told him I missed the snow and told him I am really disappointed. And now I wonder if I should have sent that sms. I must have sounded insane for being disappointed over snow.

I went for CBT teaching today. And there was a lot of discussion made on one of "the topics". I was made to read what patients with that diagnosis wrote about their thoughts and feelings. It sounded really familiar, and I felt "back in that time". My tears were whelming up, and I had to grab my arm to tell myself that I must control my tears from rolling out. I am scared. I don't want to go back to it and re-experience it all over again. Yet at times, more frequently these 2-3 days, I felt like I was taking a step back and falling back to it. And that scares me, and I am trying to resist it.

I have learnt so much about "the topic" now, and I do know that I had been inadequately managed. I knew that the management given to me was rubbish, and it wouldn't do me any good in the long term. I knew what I needed, but I wasn't given. And then I find myself turning up to see "him" when I know that it's just a routine and I was just gonna pay money for not getting anything out of it.

My mind's in a mess now. Probably it's the hormones which is making me feel low at the moment..so I'm just blabbering.

Shall go glove shopping now. Hopefully, it'll make me feel better.