I had a big row with him yesterday, making me feel very down but I can't even let my emotions out.

And because I was so upset, I said something which I shouldn't have said, and never did I think I would have even said such a thing out. It broke his heart, and I know it when he stormed out. Went to his room after a while to see how he is, but his just-to-be-sent-to-me-sms just made me decide to leave without a word.

To him, what kind of girl I am? I feel so ashamed of myself...of my past. Sometimes, I felt that I should have lied. I should not have told him I had relationships before so that I can hide this unglorious bit of me. Yet, I didn't want to hide anything from him because I don't like others hiding things from me either.

Then I knew it would hurt him if I told him too much. And even if he's willing to listen, I'm sure he won't like it, and will keep remembering it.

There's so much misunderstandings between us. I comment on people's appearance doesn't mean I go for someone with the looks. I talk about Kelvin not because I still like him. I stand closer to take photos with guys not because I like them. And most importantly, I had a lot of past rships not because I like being with numerous guys. I don't feel the least proud of it at all.

What he said isn't wrong. What was there for me to hold tightly to my rships? He said it's not as if I've been treated well or the guy is really good-looking. And went on to how did I actually like those people? It was a genuine comment of his, but when he said all that, I got sad. I had my reasons to why I refused to let go and of course, I had my reasons to why I liked them. I had no idea why I got a different treatment and why I had to be treated that way. I felt very sad whenever that happens too, but I don't want to let go because I treasure my relationships and I want to try to save it if I can. I rather have one relationship and stick with it for life, but if it's not meant to be that way, what can I do about it?

CG: How could you have liked those guys?
Me: I...
CG: Yeah, they went after you first right? Fine. So just because they did, you just accepted them?!

That hurts. Am I such a girl to him? I don't think I have accepted every guy who liked me. It was just something he said, but why did I feel like I'm some really cheap bitch?

I didn't defend myself. I couldn't because what can I say? Tell him I treasured my relationships and I really wish my rships would last? That wouldn't have made any sense even if I meant it when I say I hope my rship will last. Simply because they didn't. How the hell did I end up with so many past rships which not even one lasted for a decent period?

I can't forget his "Something must be wrong with you" even though I have tried to put it behind me last week. I do want to know what did I do wrong, especially for my last 2 rships, but till today, I still don't know if it was things I did which made them leave me. I did everything I could to keep my rship and be the best gf I can ever be, but they still left. Jason left me for a reason which had no relation to me, and I was forced to accept it. I kept the promise of not telling anyone what that reason is, and when CG asked, I didn't tell him either. Till this very moment, I am still trying to understand that reason Jason gave, reading a lot to find out why this is happening to him, so that I can understand him better, console myself that he had a valid reason to leave me, and allow myself to seal this whole secret up for good and get on with the rest of my life. Jon left me for reasons which were senseless and unacceptable. I had done him no wrong, and I am sure I didn't deserve the way he treated me. CG will never understand how it felt, and why I made myself go through all that, constantly telling myself to forgive and understand them.

Anyway, I lost my cool while tears were whelming up.

Me: How long do you know me? What do you know? You know nothing at all! You know nothing abt my past, you know nothing about what happened. Do you think I feel happy that I've got into so many rships before? I don't. And that I know I'm not pretty and yes, something must be very wrong with me that's why. And if u think I'm so, then we should just end the whole rship now!"
CG: What did you say..?

That made me realise I said something very wrong.

CG: You're right. I don't know you for a long time. I don't know much about you. We're going too fast. We should reconsider our relationship.

And he stormed out.

I felt guilty even though I was very sad internally. So I went down to see him after a while, and he was just about to send me a sms. It wasn't a pleasant one. He said he didn't expect me to be a girl who gets angry easily, and I broke his heart by just calling the rship off like that, and we should reconsider the rship based on the fact that we don't know each other much.

I didn't know what to say anymore, so I just went back to my room without a word. And haven't heard from him since.

After all that has happened, I guess he must be seeing me as a girl who gets angry easily, goes for looks, takes my rships lightly, no personality and not pretty..and it'll just not gonna be worth it to like and be with someone like me. And I don't think there is a need for me to explain myself either...it's pointless trying to convince someone when I don't even have anything to back my argument.