的确有点舍不得

前两天，和同事在网上聊天的时候，他问我，“要回家了，你开心吗？会怀念这里吗？”

说实话，想到我终于能回家了，心里非常开心，可是却有点舍不得。虽然不喜欢英国，但怎么说，我也在这生活了很多年。回忆，无论是好或坏，都会有许多。

在英国的这几年，经历的不少，也可以说我是在这里成长的。从来没做过家务的我，一个人在这陌生的地方，学会了做家务，学会了做饭。虽然没变成什么大厨师，但至少，煮出来的东西还是能吃的。想当年在中学上烹饪课的时候，曾经烹饪考试不及格，有今天的成就已经算不错了。

整体来说，我这几年在国外并不快乐。上大学的前几年，遇到的问题特别多，我还曾经因为生活各方面的种种问题带来的压力，而承受不了，去过教授的办公室，告诉他我想放弃把大学念完。如果不是他很耐心的劝导我，我今天就不可能毕业，实现自己从小的梦想。

还记得，大学前几年的时候，每当我得从新加坡回返英国的时候，心里有种说不出的痛苦，一点都不快乐。在机场，我都会流着几滴眼泪，可是为了不让父母担心，什么话都不会说。但飞机起飞的时候，我都是静静地在飞机里哭，好几次，都哭到睡着了。回到和同学住的房子，也一点都不开心，因为许多原因，我不愿意看到以前曾经是我在英国最好的朋友，天天都独自在房里看书，不愿意出来。慢慢的，厨房我也不愿意去了，几乎天天都在房里吃一些乱七八糟的东西来当一餐，或独自出门吃。后来，连家都不想回，晚上的时候就会去大学的电脑室过夜，或到其他人的家过夜。这也难怪，不久后，身体承受不了，生了一场大病，休学了一段时间。

生大病的那期间，是我永生难忘的。长这么大，第一次把父母吓坏了。他们有好几次想从我口中知道我在英国面对的问题，可是我怎么样都不肯说。那几个月，我每天的感触都很多，大部分的时间都心情和脾气都不好，却说不出。我讨厌去复诊，更讨厌看到在我床边的药。每天也睡得不好，好几次还因为做了恶梦被吓醒了。可是若不吃药，病情就不会好，所以多讨厌，还是忍着，准时服药。

重返校园的时候，我打算从那人间地狱搬出来，自己住，给自己一个机会重新开始。班上的同学也都不一样了，因为本来和我同一届的同学都升上一年了，所以回到大学的时候，我又没什么朋友了。医院虽大，但碰到认识的人，机会还是很大。被医科学院以前认识的一个人看不起，说过那讽刺的话，我永远名在心。

虽然每天大部分的时间还是一个人过的，可是我觉得自己比以前开心多了。至少，每天还能回到自己舒服的小窝。

后来认识了老公，生活也变得不一样了。在英国很少说话的我，终于有个我愿意和他多说话的人。我喜欢每天看到他，喜欢和他一起出门走走，更喜欢在他房里和他说说话。每天见到他，也就慢慢成为生活里的一部分。我们的感情有许多起起落落，可是甜蜜的时候还是存在的，现在想起来，还真怀念，恨不得能再回到那时候，再感受一下。怀念我们一边吃雪糕，一边在戏院里看电影。怀念我们一起去看歌舞剧。怀念我们在公园里有说有笑。怀念他第一次为我下厨。怀念闷的时候，就到他房间撒娇，自己在一边自言自语，一边欣赏他忙碌的样子。怀念我们一起去买戒指的时候。怀念我们一起做的团圆饭等。想起来，我们交往的回忆真的很多，还真可以写成一本书了。。哈哈。。

住在一起，像对小夫妻的我们，后来也就顺利地从大学毕业了。他回中国上班。我也就自己一个人继续在英国当我的实习医生。在医院的这一年，虽然有许多不满的地方，可是整体来说，我还是开心的。至少，我有一群和我相处得不错的朋友，保护我的学长们，像妈妈般的护士长关心我，和惹我生气，又逗我笑的病人。若不是有他们，这年一定过得更漫长。

就因为这样，我心里就的却有点舍不得。毕竟，英国是我认识老公的地方，是我成长的地方，也是我和同事们同甘共苦的地方。在这，我从一个什么都不会做的少年，变成了一个拥有生活责任的成年上班族。有感情，也是必然的。

不知道回国会怎么样。有点兴奋，也有点担心，紧张。感觉就好像一个小孩第一天上幼稚园一样。很奇怪吧？

回国之后，仿佛是我开始生活的另一个阶段。英国，将变成过去的事。我再也不能称自己是个不懂事的学生了。是时侯背起人生更大的责任，为了我，和想和老公拥有的未来奋斗了。

对不起

老公：

对不起。今天让你伤心了。这件事，是我不好。我以为你不会上我的网站，所以想写什么，想放什么，都不需约束自己。没想到，因为我的小小的自由，而结果伤害到你。

和你交往的这几年，每当我开心，或不开心的时候，都没法坐下来和你好好说，所以这日记就变成我生活里蛮重要的一部分。在这里，我可以把心里想说的话都说出来。在这里，我可以真正做回我自己。这里是我唯一的小小空间，也是我收藏回忆的地方。

还记得和你刚交往的时候，我曾经把这网站的地址告诉你。我不快乐的时候，除了脸上带不出笑容，我就不善于表达我内心到底在想什么。写日记的时候，我能冷静的处理自己的感想，好好地把一切打出来。写日记的时候，我可以完完全全的松开自己，想大哭就大哭，想笑就笑。因为成为了你的女朋友，因为喜欢你，所以才会想把我没法告诉你我生活的点点滴滴告诉你。我想对你坦白，不愿意隐瞒什么。我想把我最真诚的一面送给你。

但是，当时你似乎不明白我为什么这么做，所以就不怎么在乎。你也觉得这是我个人的隐私，你不应该干涉。也难怪这几年，你很少进来。可是其实，我并不介意和你分享我的一切。两个人交往，难道不是这样吗？

过了这么久，你忽然进了网站，让我惊讶了一下， 因为刚开始你的不在乎，让我以为你不是很关心我生活的小细节。后来，你说因为我最近不快乐，你想了解是什么原因，所以就进入网站看看。我听到时候，真的非常开心，也很感动。我觉得，我老公最终还是在乎我，还是疼我的。

可是没想到，一张照片却带给你这么多困扰。那张照片的确能让你产生误会，所以我郑重向你抱歉。

像你说说的，为什么他会这么对我，却不这么对其他女生，我并不知道，也不想知道。你说的也很对，我在英国的时间不长了，人家是不可能打包陪我回新加坡生活。你说这句话的时候，原因也应该只有几个。第一应该是提醒我人家是白皮人，不可能对我认真。这一点，我心里非常明白。虽然对他的印象很好，我始终没有忘记我自己是什么身份，自己没条件的事实，也更没有忘记他是白皮人。第二个原因，应该是怀疑我的行为举止是否妥不妥当。

我一向来的男性朋友比较多，但是和你交往之后，我已经和很多男生没来往了。我也知道你不喜欢我和以前的男朋友来往。在英国这么多年，我的朋友并不多，之从和你交往后，我就更没和什么人接触了。唯一有联系的男生也就只是那几个，而且还和我比较多联系的，也都已经有女朋友，或结婚了。

在英国的这么多年，我大部分的时间也是自己独自过的。你知道我不善于和白皮人接触，不喜欢他们的生活习惯，也更接受不了他们的性行为。和你交往的这段时间，我日日夜夜都在你身边，从来也不和他们出去胡搞。你认识我这么久，难道我对你怎么样，你还不清楚吗？我是怎么样的一个人，你不知道吗？

我不知道你现在对我看法怎么样。但是我很清楚知道我心里爱的是谁，牵着的是谁的手。

我从来没忘记。

Dearie: I know u're lost, and I'll try my best to bring you out of it.

Thank you darling. I'll try to find back my direction too.

I love you.

Why?

Marriage is a topic I am very concerned about, but when this is mentioned, the excitement I used to have no longer exists. Instead, fear has set in, and although I would love to discuss this with Dearie, I also find myself avoiding it.

With so much going on between us, especially over the last year, somehow my mind has involuntarily formed a barrier, telling me that it's not going to happen, even though Dearie had told me firmly that it will happen.

Last year, when he suddenly mentioned getting us registered, I was overjoyed.

This year, when he mentioned us getting registered in BJ when I go over in September, I pulled away.

It's not that I am not willing to get married. I want to marry him, but I can't help but query it.

Perhaps I have been feeling embarrassed enough for telling Dearie many times that I want to get married, and having him say "It's not time" everytime. I'm afterall a girl, and I have always felt that it should be the guy who should say such things. But instead, I'm the one talking abt it, making it look like I am desperate to get married by him. I guess after a few times of being put off, u lose the will to bring it up again. And the mind sets up its self defence involuntarily, telling me it's all going to be a dream that won't come true, in order to prevent me from feeling more hurt abt it.

Perhaps I......have lost trust.

Dearie was telling me yesterday that he is still clear abt what he wants for our rship, and he's actually working towards it by working hard in BJ so that he can unite with me soon. It was that moment that I realised that I have lost my direction, and despite walking down the same path hand in hand with him, our minds weren't one.

I no longer know the original and ultimate reason for being in the rship. To me, we're still together purely because I love him, but this rship is living on a daily basis, with thought of a future ceasing to exist. I feel that I am walking down a path blindly, without a sense of direction, and not knowing where I want to go, what I am expecting to see at the end of it. Suddenly, there is so much which I don't know, yet when he's telling me, I involuntarily want to run away.

Why am I starting to have this unexplained fear which never existed, and shouldn't even exist when marriage is concerned? Why do I start asking myself questions when he mentions abt getting registered, put a question mark to whatever he says?

Why is this happening..?

The Presenting Complaint

Ok, people.

I have set up a new blog to purely document my life as a doctor. Thought it'll be interesting for those who r curious, or obsessed with Medicine and hospitals.

Do give your support. Feel free to link the site to your webby, and share it with your friends. Reckon the more readers, the merrier, so that the blog can be more interactive with comments.

http://thepresentingcomplaint.blogspot.com

Cheers!

"I had a dream that u were going to call me and just when I opened my eyes, u called!" Dearie told me when I rang me last night. Sounds so much like a lie, but he insisted that it's true...haha.

He's very very much cheerful now after we've made up. He's sending me smses more frequently now as Dearie said he felt that he hasn't been giving me the care and attention I deserve. It puts a smile on my face when I wake up to see a message left on my phone, and another when I return from work.

Was discussing with him abt plans to celebrate our 3rd anniversary together when I go to BJ hopefully soon. I was surprised when Dearie said he wishes to take me to a musical if there's one happening. It has been years since we last went to a musical together. To me, that was the PERFECT date, and I was glad he was the first person to make it come true during then. I totally enjoyed myself that evening, and I know he loved it too. Definitely hoping to relive it again. But unfortunately, there's no musical scheduled during that period I'm planning to be in BJ. Dearie also suggested going to some hot spring/spa he heard about from a friend. I've always been dying to go to one with Dearie, but these places are extremely expensive for us...hence, this plan has been put off several times.

Me: What r u planning to get me for a present?
Dearie: Hmm..I'm planning to get u something big.
Me: Big as in size or what?
Dearie: Thought of buying u a LV bag
Me: Wow! That's costly...u're not earning that much. So it's ok. Besides, I don't like LV bags.
Dearie: A Gucci one then. U said before u liked some of them and I think it's nice.
Me: Hmmm...yeah..I like bags from Gucci, but they're not cheap either.

Honestly, I'm not expecting to receive some expensive gift. I'm really quite happy to have a simple present..doesn't have to be costly. Quality time with him, and enjoying ourselves is better.

It was quite cute listening to Dearie coming up with ideas. It's rather unlike the usual him who isn't romantic. But he started getting more and more excited talking abt all his romantic ideas, like having some drinks, playing music and dancing in our little abode (his apartment..). It did make me excited as well. It'll be really nice to spend quiet evenings with him this way. Doesn't have to be crazy dancing, but just hugging him close and moving slowly is enough. We did dance once in my room when we were in Uni, and I loved it. Anyway, listening to him go on n on about it just made me smile and laugh.

I also smiled this morning before going to work because Dearie had told me that whilst he was out with his family at the market, his stepdad mentioned that he'll make me "Hong Shao Rou" when I go there the next time. His family knows that I'm addicted to it, and everytime this dish is present, I'll be feasting on it so happily that I don't have time to talk during dinner. Dearie said his family and relatives are excited that I'll be there again soon. I miss them too. Can't wait to see them!

Dearie also told me that he might be able to go to Sg in Oct if he doesn't have to work during the public holiday. It'll be brilliant news for me if so. Hopefully it'll be during the time of Yongkang's wedding. Really wanna show him how wedding dinners are like in Sg. And not forgetting, feasting myself mad with him. Dearie loves hawker food and crabs in Singapore.

Another good news is Dearie has got job offers from other IT giants. Even though he's working for a big corporation at the moment, the pay is too low for his liking, and the job isn't exactly what he wanted. But his bosses are treating him well. I guess that's why he is still thinking of whether he should stay on. Apparently, he's got a very very attractive offer from a company offering him a job he likes, and the pay is almost twice of his current salary. The employees are supposed to dress properly for work (Dearie likes that!) too. I don't really mind what final decision he makes. He should know which is best for me, and I'll support his decision.

Was surfing the web today, and a housing project in Singapore caught my eye. Shall get my parents to view the showroom, and check out prices for me. Reckon it's gonna be very costly though.

Hospital Ball

I wouldn't reject going to a ball/formal dinner back home. In fact, I love going for such events because it's one of the rare chances I get to wear a nice dress and dress up properly. But I must say that angmo balls are not really my type. I turned up purely because of social obligations, yet I must say I've quite enjoyed myself at the end of it.


Shall let the pics do some of the talking..


My dress for the night...(my one & only formal dress in the UK borrowed from Mum..pardon my messy bed)

All set for the evening...
Everything started off looking really sophisticated since everyone was beautifully dressed up (females in lovely dresses and guys looking smart in their 'black tie' attire) and holding wine glasses (I was with my tiny cup of orange juice...heez). Felt as if overnight, everyone was completely different from how they look normally at work in the hospital.

Was feeling really bored initially, and only started perking up as the jokers of my table (my colleagues) started talking crap, playing nonsensical games, and of course, when food came. Food wasn't too bad, and I absolutely love the profiteroles served at the end...slurp!

More drinks after, and random photo taking sessions. The band started playing as well, and when everyone started getting high, they started hitting the dance floor and groove the night away. Yup, lots got drunk, and as usual, some messing around *winks*.

I'm crap with alcohol, and after lots of persuasion plus not wanting to be a spoil sport, I did down vodka in the end. I've got a really poor tolerance level, and didn't realise I had down almost the whole bottle (my colleagues were pouring tiny bits each time, and I just drank them down without realising how much I actually took in). No surprise to why I started feeling hot, having palpitations, felt high, went dancing when Owain dragged me there, and not being "myself". But at least I was sane enough to not do silly things.

Ok..photos..(rather poor quality due to lighting)

Haliza, Me, Heather & Samya

Me, Samya & Owain

Beth, Heather, Me, Mel

Jonah trying so very hard to look natural in a photo, and he nv fails to fail badly in doing so in every photo (he finds it difficult to smile naturally apparently...hahhaha).

Mel, the friendly alcoholic addict cum drunkard, getting high and posing with some silly star on her nose..hahahaha...

Mel & Me..

Beth (The baker amongst us Junior Docs cos she's always baking cakes and cookies...and they're really delicious!) and Me (yeah..I'm looking flushed after the vodka)..

Samya looking gorgeous in her green outfit (love her dress to the core!!!!). She's the one I talk to most here. She's also known as the "Dancing Queen of the Hospital" when u send her high on alcohol and start the music. You bet she was the main highlight of the dance floor. Haha!

Haliza and Me...

Heather (her curls are natural and they're soft like baby hair!) and Me...

Owain (trying to look different coming in with a tie rather than a bow. I still prefer him shaven..but still as good looking as ever) and Me...

Thanks to him for driving me home, or else I'll really KO during today's on call. Wasn't quite myself when I got back, and I guess I must have been talking random rubbish to Dearie over the phone when I rang him up. Dearie could tell I was slightly high, and told me to not make this a habit, since he doesn't like me feeling this way after alcohol especially if he's not around. Expected. Oh well, but at least I know he wasn't angry.

We've made up last night. Don't even know how we did it. But oh well.

This seems weird, since now I still term CG as "Dearie" in my posts. I've grown so used to it, that calling him by name now doesn't feel right.

Perhaps it's a coincidence, but many of my colleagues have been asking me about him recently. Not being on such close terms with them whereby I will reveal too much abt my private life, I wasn't prepared to answer further questions, hence I still term him as my bf and will say everything is fine with a smile, hoping that the topic will end there.

Dearie (I feel more used to it typing this too) sent me an email today. It wasn't an email for me, but one for my dad. Dad wasn't well recently, and being a major workaholic, he must have really been feeling unwell to take a few days off from work. He was investigated for this, and recently had a procedure done to treat it. When I told Dearie about this about 2 weeks back, Dearie was worried and have been trying to send an email to my dad. However, he wasn't too comfortable with sending an email with grammar errors, so decided to get me to translate the email instead.

I felt touched when I read the email. I really appreciate the fact that he is showing care and concern to my dad, despite our current situation.

I haven't spoken to Dearie for many days, but we're still in touch via smses. As usual, his smes would always start off with the word "Darling". It doesn't seem appropriate to start off my smses with my usual "Darling" too, and I know it would hurt him if I call him CG too, so I've been avoiding both terms completely.

Perhaps he has sensed that I'm maintaining a distance, hence he has held back his persistence by not waiting for me to finish work, and asking me to stay up to call him. I'm sure some will say perhaps he might think it's better for him too since he won't have to sleep later and struggle with talking to me on his way to work in the morning. Maybe it's true. I have thought abt all that, but forget it, I don't wish to dig into this.

Dearie sent me a sms last night telling me that he's been very busy at work, and is looking forward to Friday, because he'll be able to talk to me. Unfortunately, I'll be attending the hospital ball tmr evening, and I'm sure it will be really late by the time I return home. Plus, I'm on call this weekend.

Told him all that, and apparently, he seems very insistent on talking and webcamming, saying that no matter what, he will either stay up or wake up very early. He also said it's alright even if I have nothing to say, since all he wants is to see me.

Honestly, I don't know if he will keep his word. Yes, it's the weekend again, and I can sort of anticipate what might happen.

These nights, I have been wanting to pick up my phone and ring him, but at the same time, I don't know what to say to him. Hence, I end up leaving my phone alone, get some sleep, and giving my mind some rest.

Shall go to bed now. Been having this headache which comes on every night suddenly, and it's difficult to describe it. And when it comes on, my neck feels stiff when it's not and I just feel very very uncomfortable from my neck upwards, especially in the temporals. I wonder what's wrong, and I don't want to keep relying on paracetamol every night for this.

Wear a smile. Greet others properly when u're supposed to.

Do the above from the bottom of your heart to those who deserves respect and treats you with respect. Do it for polite's sake otherwise, but make it sound deceivingly sincere.

A wise man once said that a person's eyes is the window to one's soul. I want to believe that closing and opening this window is within a person's control. Open it to those u trust, and close it otherwise.

Forget unhappy issues which are trivial. Bear no grudges about others taking advantages of u occasionally. Accept that there is no place on earth which is perfect. Accept the fact that everyone is different; if kind soul exists, so do bastards.

Forgive those who creates little unhappiness in your life. Forget about them.

Remember those who made your life miserable, but close the window to your soul, and continue to receive them with a smile, greeting them and acknowledging their presence.

Patience is the key, for the time will come.

The time where u'll make them pay back not just a hundred times, but a thousand times for what they did.

And I swear I will.


[Owain calls me the fierce and scary doc u dun wanna trifle with. Hmm...am I *lol*]

Time out

There's an urge to blog, but my mind's too exhausted to organise thoughts.

Yesterday, I have told CG my decision to take a break from our rship. I have tried my very best to push on, but it has now gotten to a point whereby I need to take a step back, and be "away" for a while.

There's too much between us which needs to be solved, but I'm too exhausted to solve them. At least not now.

I still love him, and it hurts me knowing that he's extremely depressed over the decision I made. I can feel his pain from the messages he has sent me.

Honestly, I would love to be his gf again. I miss him very very much, and if only it is ever possible, I do wish that he's next to me now. I miss touching his face, studying his features when he's asleep, holding his hands, feeling the warmth of his lips, his hugs and the unique smell on him which never fails to make me feel comfortable and secure.

I don't think I have made up my mind to leave him permanently as yet, unless it is fated that something happens in between.

All I know for now is that I need to get away from it all. Not to solve problems, but time to free myself.....

"I haven't spoken to u for one day, and somehow it feels as if I haven't spoken to u for a very long time" Dearie said when I rang him up during his morning. And only 5 mins into our chat, there's a loss of reception in the subway (he decided to save petrol money and save himself hell from finding a parking space at work) and that was the end of our chat.

He's been busy with his family affairs again, which I don't blame and have no right to say anything about. No prizes for guessing who suffers as a result. I'm not being unfilial here, but I do hate it whenever some 'major event' of any sort goes on in his family, because I end up being the one "suffering in silence" (and I wonder if he knows/feels anything for me regarding this).

With my bluntness, I'm sure Dearie didn't like it when I told him that I don't understand how PRCs can make simple things turn into something so complicated/troublesome. And I'm not exaggerating abt this, because Dearie agreed with this point I made, as long as I didn't bring his family affairs into this to quote an example.

Maybe it's just us having a different culture, with a different mentality. I have to admit his family is a lot a lot more traditional than mine, making me wonder if I can tolerate this in the long term since I've got a rebellious trait despite being traditional in some ways. Sadly, there were a few times I almost lost it in the car when I was with Dearie in BJ, because I dread the fact that I have to comply to whatever the elders say. Many times, we had to put off our "dating plans" because his elders insist we do what they have planned. Dearie, despite feeling pissed, will always obey. And there were even times we were so desperate to be alone to have our own time that we had to lie. Yes, that's how bad it is.

Anyway, Dearie and I nearly got into a row the day before yesterday because of something I commented.

As I have mentioned before, his dad had to be admitted into hospital for an elective operation. Dearie told me that on the day of admission, the whole situation was tensed up because numerous people turned up at the hospital to wait for his dad to arrive. These people not only included Dearie's close relatives, but also his dad's colleagues, business associates and friends. So u can just about imagine the scene with numerous cars and crowds waiting for his arrival. Dearie said it was quite a scene when other people in the hospital kept looking at their gang, wondering which VIP is to be admitted. All that was lacking was paparazzi and cameras.

Then when his dad got wheeled into the operating theatre, Dearie had to help entertain the visitors, hence, when I called him, he couldn't even spare me more than 5 mins of his time.

After the operation, Dearie had to spend the entire day and night in the hospital suite. He was very sleepy, but didn't sleep a wink since he was worried that something might happen if he shuts his eyes for a moment.

Then at dawn, his uncle took over the "day shift", before he returned for the "night shift" again. But because his dad didn't see why he had to stay, made him go home after a while.

I think Dearie deserves credit for being utterly filial, but sometimes, I personally feel that it has gone overboard. Fair enough if it was some major operation, but it was only a keyhole surgery. I can fully understand that he's worried, but I just thought that having to stay guard the entire night (and more nights if the hospital stay was made longer) was rather absurd.

Briefly told Dearie that it's pointless of him being awake every second and monitoring the numbers on the observation monitor since he won't have a clue of what is normal or not. Besides, if things go wrong, the monitor will bleep, and the nurses will have to go in and assess the problem. If needed, they will then call the doctor. Also, even if there is a major problem, having Dearie around to create tension is nothing lesser than being a hindrance to the staff who are sorting the problem out. Perhaps I'm talking from my own point of view as a clinician, since I have had experience of relatives being around when emergency happens, and seriously, it is a huge pain when u're desperately needing the space to think and the ability to concentrate, and having this worried relative (which I don't blame) trying to bombard u with questions (many times I choose to ignore/turn a deaf ear to, and only talking to them after I am done). Now u know why doctors and nurses shut the curtains in front of the relatives' face while they handle the situation behind, or send relatives out to the Relatives room. It does seem rude, but there's a reason behind this.

Apparently, Dearie didn't like hearing what I said, and just cut it off by saying I don't understand, and it is a must to stay awake without any leeway for compromising. Very very filial, but imo, I think there is a difference between being filial and exaggeration.

Knowing that he wasn't pleased with me, I decided not to say anything more.

Fortunately, his dad was fit for discharge the next day (or else I don't know how many nights Dearie will end up NOT sleeping). I was happy about his dad's recovery when I heard the news, and also pleased that finally an end could be put to this. But guess what? The "crowd" turned up again once they heard the news, and Dearie ended up having to join them for a big dinner. By the time he got home, he was exhausted, and a "Good night" sms was what I got.

Was chatting with Kor a few nights back, and was doing some self-reflection. Felt guilty abt the fact that I am trying to make Dearie the type of guy I want, rather than seeing him as who he really is. Felt guilty that I am most likely hurting him without realising.

He has been a sweet bf, and I know that he loves me dearly. But no matter how understanding I am trying to be, sometimes I don't deny that being in a rship with him sucks, especially at times like this.

I hate the feeling of wearing our ring, facing our photos everyday, telling everyone that I'm in a rship, when I'm practically spending 90% of my time alone, and being made the "sacrificial" item. I know it's probably only temporary and maybe I'm just not being understanding enough for his standard, but still...

I absolutely HATE it.

Policy! Policy! Policy!

To whoever that came up with these "laws", policies and rules, I only have ONE word to describe him/her - DENSE!

Few more weeks to the end of working in the UK, and I cannot express how f*cking PLEEEEAAASSSSEEEEDDDD I am. I will miss some nurses and my fellow doctor colleagues, but I will definitely not miss the crap in the hospital here. I had enough of their insane laws and policies, of which makes absolutely NO sense, and I know I must rant umpteen times abt these in the blog before.

1. Venflons
Please DO NOT go around telling people that u're a nurse if u can't even do a venflon. Honestly, I wouldn't even dare tell anyone I'm a nurse to save myself embarassment if someone asks me if I can site a venflon. And these nurses are telling me that it's illegal in the UK for them to do it without a certificate (note: u NEED a CERTIFICATE to site a venflon) and they need to go for a day course to be trained. A DAY, mind u. Imagine spending 9am-5pm learning how to site a venflon and take blood. 8 hours to be taught how to do it....gosh..this course is either OVER INTENSIVE (I'm being sarcastic here), or the students are completely thick. In medical school, I spent 2 hours learning how to site venflons, take blood, put catheters, suturing, etc etc. And I had was someone showing me ONCE only.

Got bleeped non stop during my on call to do venflons when my priority is to clerk patients. And these nurses love bleeping at 5.05pm to get me to do them. Clearly, the venflon wouldn't have gone off exactly at 5pm sharp, and it was obvious that it was dragged till past 5 for whatever reason. Had enough of this crap, and pardon me, I did became rather attitude today after tolerating such rubbish for months, telling them straight off that I am busy, and it's too bad that I'm not available to do it NOW on the spot.

Patients won't die without one dose of antibiotics, and they will not die without having fluids into the body for a while. If these nurses cannot wait, then sorry, they can do it themselves.

Shall not blame nurses totally regarding this. Have to admit that some docs in the hospital are freaking lazy, and if they know the patient is difficult to cannulate, they just pretend to drag it and shoo off the minute the clock ticks 5pm.

2. Phlebotomy
If an entire ward is being "closed" to visitors because of too many infections in that particular ward, the phlebotomists are not allowed to bleed patients there. Hence, the doctor of that ward will have to bleed all the patients himself/herself. Reason given is that it's hospital policy because phlebotomists go around the hospital bleeding patients, and this can cause cross infection. This policy pissed me off terribly a few times, and I got so fed up, I went to tell the "policy department" that maybe they should bar me from going to other wards too since I'm seeing patients in this ward, bleeding them, and I'm also liable to spread it to other people in the hospital since I'm also going to other wards to see patients. And the typical answer u get frm these angmos: "HOSPITAL POLICY".

3. Vital Observations (e.g. Blood pressure, pulse, temperature etc)
Doctors do their ward rounds at 9am and in this hospital, and it's at this time, u'll see nurses giving patients a wash. And observations are supposed to be done only at 10am. So everytime I'm in the wards doing my ward round at 9am, I'll have patients missing frm the bed (cos they're in the toilet bathing) or my patients will be busy being washed at the bedside by nurses. And for those present, I can't even assess how stable they are without any of those observations being done.

Makes me wonder if there's any sense in having me in the ward at 9am. I might as well sleep for 2 more hours, and then start work at 11am when all my patients have been washed, and obs have been done.

Wonder who started this policy now.

4. Nurses taking referrals for hospital admission
May I ask, how much medical education does a nurse (even senior) compared to a Registrar (2nd to a Consultant)? And it's these nurses who are admitting patients from GPs who ring up and asking for patients to be admitted. These nurses are not trained to dig further into histories and assess if these patients are highly in need of an admission. All the GPs have to do is tell them a brief story (bet u the nurses won't even know if the story makes sense and have no clue what is wrong) and if a bed is available, the patient is sent in for us doctors to see. This becomes a nightmare for us docs because many of these patients who end up coming in, makes the hospital a hotel, and aren't prepared to go home anymore. And they end up lodging for months, bringing in all the photo frames from their house and making friends with the entire ward.

Where does this insane rule of nurses accepting referrals come from? Obvious isn't it?

5. Reviewing patients
I cannot tell u how many times I've been bleeped to go to wards to see patients who are so claimed by nurses that they are really not well, in pain, in this, in that. Go on and let your imaginations run wild.

Then off I rush to the wards, believing their story, only to find the patient comfortably sitting up, talking with his fellow room mates, and happily enjoying their food.

Hmmm....VERY UNWELL indeed.

Believe me, 50% of this "patient is in pain" calls I get are lies, because when I see the patient, he/she will tell me that there was no pain at all.

Once bitten, twice shy. And I've seriously allowed myself to be bitten uncountable times. But I've learnt the trick now. I tend to ask the nurses numerous questions, and if I think the observations are stable, I will take my own sweet time if I'm busy. If it's desperately urgent, they will bleep me very very soon. But if the ward only starts bleeping me again like after 2 hours, clearly, it's not urgent like they so claimed.

Tell me, nurses are the ones whom doctors should trust in assessing these basic things. But with them lying, please don't blame docs for being nasty, and u resulting in the "all docs are bastards" syndrome. Blame your wonderful nursing colleagues instead.

Today, I got bleeped every 1.5 hours to review a patient in a ward with some other stupid jobs. URGENT they said. And since I was extremely busy, told them there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get there in the next hour. Obviously, those nurses weren't satisfied with my answer, told me to hold on while they liaise together to make it sound more drama. Ended up using 5 mins arguing with them. And my Registrar, who got so irritated with them when I told him what happened, went up to that ward to ask them what the problem is all about. Guess what? When they saw the Registrar appearing in the ward, they went "It's ok..it's not urgent...". And they think the Registrar will nicely let them off by saying nothing. Good thing he went "So if it's not urgent, why did u people keep bleeping my house officer?!"

He went to review that patient nonetheless, and true enough, this patient had NO PAIN at all. Urgent...MY FOOT! I knew it was gonna be one of those stupid tricks of theirs since the bleep didn't go off every 15 mins.

6. MEWS
This is a scoring system for the observations, and if the score goes above a certain number, it means the patient needs medical attention. I shall not totally throw the MEWS out of the window and say it's completely crap, because if the score is high, clearly there is something wrong. It only gives medical professionals an idea of how well/unwell a person is, but not the full picture. But because it's THE POLICY that if the MEWS go above a certain score, then doctors have to be bleeped. Fair enough, but it does piss ur ass off when u rush down to the ward to find that this patient is comfortably sitting ard (walking even!), talking and eating, and realising that the same score has been there for like a week. I appreciate the fact if I get bleeped regarding high scores, and be told by the nurse (my ward sister does this..and I love her to bits) that the patient is very stable, has been high on the scores for days, and she'll bleep me again if there's any major changes.

7. Massive attack
Whenever u step into a ward during on call because u're bleeped to do ONE job, u will never find one job waiting for u like u thought. And sometimes, it makes me wonder if there's a collaboration between the nurses in the ward, because when one nurse knows u're there, ALL the nurses will know. They will then make sure u do all their jobs before they'll let u off the ward. Imagine that happening in every ward.

Maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe it's a signal from above that I have to remain by his side.

Dearie told me that his dad is in hospital and will be having a cholecystectomy this morning. His dad has had a bout of cholecystitis as a result from gallstones, and I'm pleased that he has agreed to heed the doctor's and my advice to go ahead with the operation.

Dearie's worried even though it isn't a very major operation. And I cannot bear to shunt myself away from him during this period. It just isn't right.

I hope the surgery will go smoothly. Dearie will be spending the entire night in the hospital with his Dad tomorrow. Shall be there for him whenever he needs me.

Still loving him

Putting someone's emotions through a test is the best way to tell how much a particular person means to him/her.

Yesterday, Dearie sent a message meant for his friend to me accidentally. It was a message asking his friend to decide on a venue for dinner. Although I couldn't tell if the name was a female or male, I didn't bother asking and assumed that it must be a guy, since Dearie doesn't like talking to girls and hates it when they pester him.

Today, he sent another message meant for a friend to me again. And after reading the message, I knew it was a female pal of his. It was one of those messages which could either look like one to console a person or one to reject. Feelings naturally started stirring within me, and my tears just started rolling the moment I heard his voice over the phone. He hadn't realised that I have received the message instead, and hence, guessed that I must be having some unhealthy thoughts when he heard me sniffing.

I felt better when he explained what had happened, even though I had no idea why girls tend to like looking for him when they're having problems with their rships or feeling lonely.

This reminded me of the incident of me reading a message left by a female friend of his once by coincidence, which got Dearie got all panicky when I just walked out of the room without a word.

Anyway, how I felt instantly today just assured me that my feelings for Dearie are still going strong despite all the ups n downs.

Breaking bad news

A new patient got transferred to my ward, and the first thing the nurses told me was, "Dr, this patient needs a syringe driver please. He's dying."

A syringe driver is a device which allows medications to be given continuously, and the dose can be adjusted to meet the individual's needs.

When I went to see the state of this patient during the ward round, I knew this chap wouldn't last long. I have had quite a few of patients who passed away, and somehow, over the months, I am able to identify who are the ones who will go off fairly quickly from their look and breathing sounds, and I can just about tell if it's within the next day or 2.

Obviously, having been only given this patient, I didn't manage to form a bond of any sort with him and his family.

Bad news had to be broken to his family today, and I tagged along to the office to observe how my Consultant breaks bad news. I must say his skill at doing so is the best I have ever seen. Most I've seen just want to break it asap and get out of the situation within the shortest possible time. But my Consultant took time to slowly lead the family towards the final bit of the bad news, hence avoiding letting them go into a state of shock. He also gave them the freedom to weep in front of him, allowed them time to gather their thoughts and pull themselves together before carrying on. He also gently explained the various routes and plans which can be done for the patient, and nicely made them see that there is a limit to how much a person's life can be prolonged even after proceeding with all the other investigations and treatment.

I love this sentence he said the most...

"Mr X is 89, and like u said, he has been leading a good life, and enjoying it. I think the best we can do for him now is to keep him comfortable, and gradually letting him go peacefully."

I know it sounds normal, but perhaps it was the tone he used which touched me greatly as I listened.

I could tell that he had a close knit family who loves him dearly, from the way his son spoke and watching how he broke down in the office. He was telling us about how happy his dad was, and how happy the entire family was, until his mum passed away. And it was from that day onwards that his dad deteriorated in every way.

When he was talking about all that, I actually weeped. Yeah, and my seniors started laughing at me after we left the room.

Class of Primary 1G-4G

After Samantha placed that classic photo of my class on Facebook, comments on that photo streamed in like there's no tomorrow.

Our class monkey, Kwong Kit (Kit as we call him now) seems to be the most excited amongst us lot, putting in so much effort in searching people from our class. The guys even made up their minds that a gathering will be held.

Because of that photo, I have found so many of my old friends. Many changed in terms of their looks, size and personality, some just never change. It only took an instant for some of us to recognise who is who just by reading what is being typed on MSN.

I hate logging into Facebook since it hangs on me allllll the time, but thanks to this bunch of monkeys, I've been logging in many times a day, and kinda got active in there.

It's also pleasing to know that everyone's been a really good sport by eagerly saying that they're dying to stay in touch, frantically adding one another on MSN & on Facebook, and wanting to turn up for the gathering. Sadly, quite a few of us are overseas for various reasons (and that includes poor me..), so these individuals will have to give the gathering a miss. BUT!!!! Kit & Andre promised meeting up with me when I return home....kekekekeke. I'm really really keen on seeing them again. It'll be fun. Something to bring excitement into my life.

I had a brilliant time chatting on MSN with the bunch, reminiscing the old days. There wasn't a tinge of a strange feel. Neither was there a need to maintain one's image nor was there anything restricting us from speaking out our mind. Perhaps it's because we've all started out being friends during days when we were all young, naive and innocent, hence, the trust has already been built amongst us to keep the pretence away. Even the gifted student of our class (he never failed to rank 1st every year) who is now an incredibly high-flyer, and our "Minister of Finance in the Making" got super active and excited during the chat. Hahaha..we were initially worried that he might not want to acknowledge or mingle with us lowlifes...lol...

I also found a very good buddy of mine who wasn't in the same class as me, but we got to know each other through a fight on the school bus until it got to the Vice-Principal's office. It was this incident which made us friends. He used to live in the apartment opposite my house, and I last met him when I was in lower sec sch at the bus stop outside my house. Gosh, he is looking really different from how he was before..in the positive way of cos. I was impressed!

The girls changed a lot too. The tall ones are still tall though. At least I managed to catch up to an average height now...haha. Some of the girls are now married (to ppl like ruoz and huishan, not sure if your eyes are sharp enuff or not, but E-ying is one of the girls in the class photo. yup, she's not just my sec sch classmate, but also my pri sch classmate!), one of them has even got a 1 yr old daughter now. How scary!!!!!

And of course, more are getting engaged soon. :)

Oh Food...Glorious food...

Damn it..smelling that wonderful smell that's coming from the kitchen just makes me terribly hungry. Thanks to my colleague who's cooking his dinner. Am so tempted to go down and snatch his food away from him...kekeke. Unfortunately, I'm not on such close terms with him to do so.



Lately, I've been dreaming about food, telling Dearie everyday what I miss eating.



Here's some of the food on the list..

1. Hong Shao Rou (and I only want it made by Dearie's Stepdad! Honestly, I'm sure this dish of his will become extremely popular if he sets up a stall in Sg selling this. The meat looks drastically FAT, but he's able to rid the oil within the fats to the extent whereby u don't get the "oily" feel at all. I shall feast myself crazy with this dish when I get my ass in Beijing)

2. Black Pepper Crab (there's this stall in the Aljunied/Geylang area which makes excellent black pepper crabs...and the crab is humongous! Their crab meat fried rice is brilliant too)

3. Thai Food (missing the ones I tasted in Thailand. Love tom yum soup, curry and of course desserts)

4. Mee Rebus (I must say this is my fav malay dish of all times)

5. Peking duck (manz..miss the aroma..Dearie promised to let me savour this authentic dish again)

6. Jiao Zi (only want the ones made by Dearie's Stepmother..the pork & chives jiaozi she makes is first class. Miss xiao long bao too..)

7. Steamboat (muahahaa...bring me to a steamboat restaurant & that'll keep me happy for the rest of the day)
8. Prawns with salted egg (this is one of the dishes I never fail to order when I'm in Crystal Jade. Combination of things I like - prawns and salted egg. One plate is never enough for me.)

9. Fried Hokkien Prawn Mee (I only want the one from this certain Lorong in Geylang)

10. Char Kway Teow (with lots of "hum" please..)

11. Kaya Roti, Half-boiled egg & Tek Tarik (the perfect bfast apart from You Tiao & Dou Hua)

12. Cakes & desserts!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously..the list doesn't just end there.

Looks like I've really got to make a long proper list of things I want to eat, so that I can slowly tick them off when I return home. It'll keep my family and him happy too, cos they won't have to crack their heads abt what to eat and where to go...kekeke. :)