Why?
Marriage is a topic I am very concerned about, but when this is mentioned, the excitement I used to have no longer exists. Instead, fear has set in, and although I would love to discuss this with Dearie, I also find myself avoiding it.
With so much going on between us, especially over the last year, somehow my mind has involuntarily formed a barrier, telling me that it's not going to happen, even though Dearie had told me firmly that it will happen.
Last year, when he suddenly mentioned getting us registered, I was overjoyed.
This year, when he mentioned us getting registered in BJ when I go over in September, I pulled away.
It's not that I am not willing to get married. I want to marry him, but I can't help but query it.
Perhaps I have been feeling embarrassed enough for telling Dearie many times that I want to get married, and having him say "It's not time" everytime. I'm afterall a girl, and I have always felt that it should be the guy who should say such things. But instead, I'm the one talking abt it, making it look like I am desperate to get married by him. I guess after a few times of being put off, u lose the will to bring it up again. And the mind sets up its self defence involuntarily, telling me it's all going to be a dream that won't come true, in order to prevent me from feeling more hurt abt it.
Perhaps I......have lost trust.
Dearie was telling me yesterday that he is still clear abt what he wants for our rship, and he's actually working towards it by working hard in BJ so that he can unite with me soon. It was that moment that I realised that I have lost my direction, and despite walking down the same path hand in hand with him, our minds weren't one.
I no longer know the original and ultimate reason for being in the rship. To me, we're still together purely because I love him, but this rship is living on a daily basis, with thought of a future ceasing to exist. I feel that I am walking down a path blindly, without a sense of direction, and not knowing where I want to go, what I am expecting to see at the end of it. Suddenly, there is so much which I don't know, yet when he's telling me, I involuntarily want to run away.
Why am I starting to have this unexplained fear which never existed, and shouldn't even exist when marriage is concerned? Why do I start asking myself questions when he mentions abt getting registered, put a question mark to whatever he says?
Why is this happening..?
With so much going on between us, especially over the last year, somehow my mind has involuntarily formed a barrier, telling me that it's not going to happen, even though Dearie had told me firmly that it will happen.
Last year, when he suddenly mentioned getting us registered, I was overjoyed.
This year, when he mentioned us getting registered in BJ when I go over in September, I pulled away.
It's not that I am not willing to get married. I want to marry him, but I can't help but query it.
Perhaps I have been feeling embarrassed enough for telling Dearie many times that I want to get married, and having him say "It's not time" everytime. I'm afterall a girl, and I have always felt that it should be the guy who should say such things. But instead, I'm the one talking abt it, making it look like I am desperate to get married by him. I guess after a few times of being put off, u lose the will to bring it up again. And the mind sets up its self defence involuntarily, telling me it's all going to be a dream that won't come true, in order to prevent me from feeling more hurt abt it.
Perhaps I......have lost trust.
Dearie was telling me yesterday that he is still clear abt what he wants for our rship, and he's actually working towards it by working hard in BJ so that he can unite with me soon. It was that moment that I realised that I have lost my direction, and despite walking down the same path hand in hand with him, our minds weren't one.
I no longer know the original and ultimate reason for being in the rship. To me, we're still together purely because I love him, but this rship is living on a daily basis, with thought of a future ceasing to exist. I feel that I am walking down a path blindly, without a sense of direction, and not knowing where I want to go, what I am expecting to see at the end of it. Suddenly, there is so much which I don't know, yet when he's telling me, I involuntarily want to run away.
Why am I starting to have this unexplained fear which never existed, and shouldn't even exist when marriage is concerned? Why do I start asking myself questions when he mentions abt getting registered, put a question mark to whatever he says?
Why is this happening..?
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