"I haven't spoken to u for one day, and somehow it feels as if I haven't spoken to u for a very long time" Dearie said when I rang him up during his morning. And only 5 mins into our chat, there's a loss of reception in the subway (he decided to save petrol money and save himself hell from finding a parking space at work) and that was the end of our chat.

He's been busy with his family affairs again, which I don't blame and have no right to say anything about. No prizes for guessing who suffers as a result. I'm not being unfilial here, but I do hate it whenever some 'major event' of any sort goes on in his family, because I end up being the one "suffering in silence" (and I wonder if he knows/feels anything for me regarding this).

With my bluntness, I'm sure Dearie didn't like it when I told him that I don't understand how PRCs can make simple things turn into something so complicated/troublesome. And I'm not exaggerating abt this, because Dearie agreed with this point I made, as long as I didn't bring his family affairs into this to quote an example.

Maybe it's just us having a different culture, with a different mentality. I have to admit his family is a lot a lot more traditional than mine, making me wonder if I can tolerate this in the long term since I've got a rebellious trait despite being traditional in some ways. Sadly, there were a few times I almost lost it in the car when I was with Dearie in BJ, because I dread the fact that I have to comply to whatever the elders say. Many times, we had to put off our "dating plans" because his elders insist we do what they have planned. Dearie, despite feeling pissed, will always obey. And there were even times we were so desperate to be alone to have our own time that we had to lie. Yes, that's how bad it is.

Anyway, Dearie and I nearly got into a row the day before yesterday because of something I commented.

As I have mentioned before, his dad had to be admitted into hospital for an elective operation. Dearie told me that on the day of admission, the whole situation was tensed up because numerous people turned up at the hospital to wait for his dad to arrive. These people not only included Dearie's close relatives, but also his dad's colleagues, business associates and friends. So u can just about imagine the scene with numerous cars and crowds waiting for his arrival. Dearie said it was quite a scene when other people in the hospital kept looking at their gang, wondering which VIP is to be admitted. All that was lacking was paparazzi and cameras.

Then when his dad got wheeled into the operating theatre, Dearie had to help entertain the visitors, hence, when I called him, he couldn't even spare me more than 5 mins of his time.

After the operation, Dearie had to spend the entire day and night in the hospital suite. He was very sleepy, but didn't sleep a wink since he was worried that something might happen if he shuts his eyes for a moment.

Then at dawn, his uncle took over the "day shift", before he returned for the "night shift" again. But because his dad didn't see why he had to stay, made him go home after a while.

I think Dearie deserves credit for being utterly filial, but sometimes, I personally feel that it has gone overboard. Fair enough if it was some major operation, but it was only a keyhole surgery. I can fully understand that he's worried, but I just thought that having to stay guard the entire night (and more nights if the hospital stay was made longer) was rather absurd.

Briefly told Dearie that it's pointless of him being awake every second and monitoring the numbers on the observation monitor since he won't have a clue of what is normal or not. Besides, if things go wrong, the monitor will bleep, and the nurses will have to go in and assess the problem. If needed, they will then call the doctor. Also, even if there is a major problem, having Dearie around to create tension is nothing lesser than being a hindrance to the staff who are sorting the problem out. Perhaps I'm talking from my own point of view as a clinician, since I have had experience of relatives being around when emergency happens, and seriously, it is a huge pain when u're desperately needing the space to think and the ability to concentrate, and having this worried relative (which I don't blame) trying to bombard u with questions (many times I choose to ignore/turn a deaf ear to, and only talking to them after I am done). Now u know why doctors and nurses shut the curtains in front of the relatives' face while they handle the situation behind, or send relatives out to the Relatives room. It does seem rude, but there's a reason behind this.

Apparently, Dearie didn't like hearing what I said, and just cut it off by saying I don't understand, and it is a must to stay awake without any leeway for compromising. Very very filial, but imo, I think there is a difference between being filial and exaggeration.

Knowing that he wasn't pleased with me, I decided not to say anything more.

Fortunately, his dad was fit for discharge the next day (or else I don't know how many nights Dearie will end up NOT sleeping). I was happy about his dad's recovery when I heard the news, and also pleased that finally an end could be put to this. But guess what? The "crowd" turned up again once they heard the news, and Dearie ended up having to join them for a big dinner. By the time he got home, he was exhausted, and a "Good night" sms was what I got.

Was chatting with Kor a few nights back, and was doing some self-reflection. Felt guilty abt the fact that I am trying to make Dearie the type of guy I want, rather than seeing him as who he really is. Felt guilty that I am most likely hurting him without realising.

He has been a sweet bf, and I know that he loves me dearly. But no matter how understanding I am trying to be, sometimes I don't deny that being in a rship with him sucks, especially at times like this.

I hate the feeling of wearing our ring, facing our photos everyday, telling everyone that I'm in a rship, when I'm practically spending 90% of my time alone, and being made the "sacrificial" item. I know it's probably only temporary and maybe I'm just not being understanding enough for his standard, but still...

I absolutely HATE it.