It was stressful being on hospital attachment here at home. The teachings are so in depth and everything is so different from the way we were taught and learnt in UK. Now I realise how much I don't actually know. I haven't been feeling my best this week, so haven't been very motivated to do much, but I suppose I'll have to start getting more motivated hopefully by tomorrow or latest by next week.

I didn't get to talk much to my boy yesterday again. But I was still happy that he made an effort to come online to say hello despite him being very ill. He said he'll be staying in his mum's house tonight and will be able to webcam with me and that he's so looking forward to it because we haven't seen each other on webcam for a long time (he actually went to count how many days, while i just didn't wanna know so as to avoid being upset over it). I hope he's feeling better today, or else I doubt we'll get to "meet" tonight.

I guess I was trying to make myself feel better last night by being the one wanting to hang up, rather than have him chase me to bed. Called him up since I've got a miss call, and I had no idea who, thinking it could be him. Unfortunately, not. :(

Me: Hey, did u call me just now?
CG: No
Me: Huh..ok then. I thought it was u. Never mind. Bye. (Fast hor?!)
CG: HEY! Why u wanna hang up so quickly?
Me: Because u said u got sore throat, so I don't think u'll be able to talk to me, and I just called to see if u're the one who called me earlier on.
CG: No..it's not me. How are you? Are you ok?...
(and the convo went on for 5 minutes)

He sounded very bad on the phone. I hope he's feeling much better now.

Is this how it is going to be till I return to UK?

I cried when I hung up the phone last night, and I know it is childish and silly for me to be weeping over this. Where has my independence gone to?

My daily wait for him is slowly making me more and more depressed because talking to him is the only thing that I look forward to everyday, and the only thing that makes me feel that I am still alive.

But it seems so difficult even though we are both trying. And I shall not deny that I do feel insecure, not because I think he'll cheat on me, but because I never ever know where he will be, where he will be sleeping. I miss him a lot, and since his phone got a bit screwed up, he can't read my smses even though he can receive them.

Specially went to buy a phonecard to call him, and I was feeling so pleased abt it last night, only to find out that things are still gonna be the same. It will be cheap for me to call him, but it's expensive for him to pick up my call as he's using a prepaid SIM card.

And I can't chat with him over the internet as much as I hope to too, because he's always having family commitments, and it isn't nice for him to always be online. And the craziest thing is...if he doesn't come online, I do start worrying and get scared, wondering if he's gonna just disappear. Phobia.

I started thinking if this is how we are going to keep our rship going when we live in different countries in future. I love him, and I won't give him up, but can I take it after some time?

Does he know how I feel when he chases me off to bed? Does he know that I feel insecure? Even though he said he's always with me no matter how far apart we are, does he know that all I'm relying on emotionally is only the ring I wear on my finger? Apart from that, I am no different from being alone. I have no idea how many times I have shed tears over this since I came back.

Pui! Hate walking along that road that leads from my house to the minimart. I should have known better to change into a more conservative attire before walking to the minimart, rather than parading in a tight tee and shorts (which Vic said it's damn short, and I always beg to differ).

The reason why I hate walking that way is because of the tyre shop. Can't stand some men there, who basically leave their cars there for servicing, or talk to their boss while oggling at females. It's damn sick, and it has always been so for years!

I knew I would be getting some attention (even though i'm not chio) for my SHORTs, and true enough, there was this tiko guy who came calling me from afar asking me where I'm going....wtf!
And ya know what?! He looks like Steven Lim...my goodness...!

Ignored him the first time and when I was walking home from the minimart, he started calling me again. He's not ugly, but definitely look super low class. It would kill me to even talk to him for 10 seconds.

But anyway, darn happy now cos I bought an international calling card to call my darling!!!! Something seems to be wrong with his hp though. Shall ask him when he's online, and then I can start ringing him whenever I wanna hear his voice :) :) :)

Really miss my darling like crazy these days. It just feels weird not having him next to me, when I used to see him everyday, and being able to happily hop to his room whenever I feel like I need a hug or to disturb him.

I guess I've grown too attached to him now. It sounds mad, but each time I see him smiling at me on the webcam, my tears roll down naturally..and I so wanna throw everything aside and buy an air ticket and fly to China to look for him immediately.

Being silly me, I'm always online in the evenings to wait for him when I don't actually know if he will come online since he's always staying in different homes. And it is the same again tonight despite me being really exhausted after a long day in the hospital.

Will be nice if I can go to bed with a free mind, but have got lots of reading to do for tomorrow's ward round (hope I won't look stupid tmr) and I do wanna talk to him tonight.

It's weird as to how badly I sleep every night in Singapore. I keep getting up in the middle of the night, and it feels even weirder waking up to find only pillows around me. I miss having my boy sleeping next to me. :(

(YAY!!!!HE'S ONLINE NOW!!!!)

I was filled with thoughts the whole of yesterday with things I cannot understand and/or don't know.

1. Boyfriend

Why is it I have to keep it to such a low profile? I'm NOT shy about being attached, and definitely not shy to let others know that my bf is from China. So what if he's from China? At least I think he beats loads of Singaporean guys out there. He isn't perfect, but he stays precious to me, and I do not see any reason to why I should keep his existence unknown to my relatives. If he knows about this, he will be hurt, and when I was told to keep mum about my being attached, I felt hurt too. My cousins are able to make known about who their other half is, be it whether they break up in future or not, but I can't. I have to always say "my friend", not even mention his name. WHY?!??!?!

2. My boring life

I haven't lived my fill as a 23 year old. In fact, I never did live my fullest. Being still young, I should be dressing up like other girls, talking about the latest fashion, be a fashion slave for the fun of it, do things which I like, that will make me happy. But I never seem to be able to break out from that circle I'm enclosed in. Shopping with my cousin was shocking...it made me realise what a scrooge I am. She buys so many things at one go when we go shopping, while it took me ages to even decide to buy a pair of pants. I couldn't understand how girls her age (21!) can splurge this way. No doubt that she works part time to earn those money to spend, but if I do have those money, I would save them up because there is so much more I can do with that money. I want to put it to good use. I guess perhaps my goals are different from them. CG thinks it's good that we save up for better things, rather than splurging it on cupboards of clothes and what have you, and I'm really proud of him because he's been trying hard to save up for our future together too. He's no longer the boy I first knew who thinks nothing much about money. :) Anyway, about the spending, I mean..I really do wish I can splurge like the others, but the "You must save for a better future, Mich" just stops me completely. Yes, my life will stay boring this way, but I'm seriously hoping that I will feel that it all pays off when I finally get to buy what I want in the years to come, and I'll be able to spend on items I like without thinking toooo much when I start earning my pay.

3. Sitting in a posh car

I guess it's just every girl's dream to be able to sit in a posh car and I'm no different. I watched a woman being dressed nicely and bring driven off in a Porsche last night, and I was wondering if I'll ever be able to own a posh car with my own ability, or be able to have my own bf/hubby drive me around in it.

Then again, on 2nd thoughts, I shouldn't complain and be satisfied. My bf's Audi is good enough, and there are loads of people in China who would die to be in shoes already. No kidding!

4. Spinster

It looks like there is at least one in every generation. Mum says it could be so generation after generation. And it scares me because could it be me this time? I hope not....

5. Childhood video

Dad has transferred all my childhood videos into CDs. I look really happy and active when I was young. Where has those laughters gone to? Where's the old me?


*Have uploaded all my pics in China, but not posted them up yet. Will blog abt it if I have time. The following weeks are gonna be too busy, and I still haven't read anything for my placement...wtf...!*

Was really happy to see my boy online yesterday and I'm sure he wanted to talk to me too, because he just refused to go to bed even though he was yawning a lot.

I thought I was the only one who felt that home feels different this time. Dinner with my family is still great, but I know it could have been better with one more person joining us. There were even times I felt that my life in UK is probably better..less conflicts. It shocked me to hear him say, "I really want to go back to UK now". I never thought he would want to go back. He said the feeling is different when he goes out with eat with his family/friends compared to having meals with me in UK. Even though we didn't have the best food in UK, he was really happy being able to eat with me. *touched*

He sounded sad yesterday since he had a big scolding from his Dad about damaging the car in a car accident he got into. I was disappointed, because that would mean I can't have him driving me around, and I have always wish that one day, I can sit in my bf's car and have him bringing me for car rides (I love it!!!).

I am getting excited about it now, but at the same time, trying to curb my excitement too. Apparently, there has been so many changes in our plan that we will hardly have our own privacy, and to be honest, both of us are very sianz abt it. We're consoling ourselves that at least we have a few days where ONLY two of us will go out together, and his friend so kindly volunteered to siam when we go to Sichuan so that we can have our own time together. Hahaha..my boy and I thinks he's probably gonna take the chance during then to go check out some babes and find his target.

Glad that I have finally bought a few clothes and presents for his family. More shopping to do later though and get my hair dyed before I head off to Beijing tmr. :)

Hopefully, it'll cheer him up...or rather I should say, I MUST cheer him up! And bring back the dining feeling he craves for so much, only this time, definitely with MUCH BETTER food!!!

Yay!!!! I bought a dress!!!! The moment I bought it, it was a BIG load off my chest. And it got me motivated to make it turn into a simple outfit into one fit to wear to dine in a nice restaurant. Went hunting for accessories and managed to have a few options. Shall ask my parents for their opinion tomorrow. I definitely have to look presentable since his Dad is buying me dinner when I arrive, and I really want to look good standing next to my boy. Want him to be proud of me. :)

There are still quite a number of things I have not bought, and with a change in my accomodation plans, I have more to watch out for. Initially, the plan was to have me stay in the hotel next to his apartment, but now, I'm going to spend the first few days staying in his Dad's place, and the last few in his Mum's. My home clothes are really rotten, so I will have to try to get a few proper tees and shorts, just so that his parents won't think I come from some village.

I'm really touched that his parents have offered to let me stay with them. Then I can see them more and get to know them better. Afterall, I never know when is the next time I'll see them again.

CG told me that his Mum is very excited. She's been asking him lots of questions about me, and she has got every single thing prepared for my arrival, even to the extent of buying me a SIM card for using in China!

Am glad that my boy called me again last night. I finally got his hp number, and he told me I can call him whenever I miss him. He's been busy everyday visiting his relatives and having dinner with his Dad's friends. He's still stuck in Du Jing Yuan (now I'm wondering if I'm gonna stay in DJY or in his CCTV apartment), which means no internet access. Few more days and we'll be able to see each other again. Patience Mich.. :)

Am glad that I made the decision to straighten my hair. I feel so much more comfortable now, but the hairstylist felt that it was a great waste to straighten out my new curls since she thought my curls are really nice and felt that not everyone had the luck to get the results of the curls I've got. Fringe is a little short now, hopefully it'll look more natural next week. Will be getting my hair dyed as well.

I think I would probably have changed my mind if CG was ard to tell me what he thinks. But till now, I haven't seen him online. I wonder what he has been up to these days and if he's well. And I can't help wondering if he misses me at all. I miss him very very much.

Was telling Vic that I'm scared that history might repeat itself if he disappears without a word. I know it's most probably not gonna happen, but can I stop myself from being scared? Afterall, I haven't got over that phobia.

I hope my boy comes online or calls me soon.

Am glad that my friend has got the bear he wants for his graduation. I know from another friend that he wanted it, and I tried searching for it online, but couldn't. Maybe because I'm crap at looking for it since Nonex actually bought it online. Anyway, perhaps it's a good thing that the present isn't from me, or else it'll add one more memory to him. I think he's much better off without us keeping in touch and I guess, as long as we (hopefully) know that we're still friends no matter what, that's sufficient.

Can't believe it..Friday tmr. Argh. Looks like I have to go shop again tmr. I haven't bought anything decent yet till now...sigh...

I was disappointed last night. I waited for him to come online, but he didn't. And as a result, I started consoling myself that maybe he did call me at home, but I wasn't ard to pick up that call.

3 mins was all I had to hear his voice over the phone on Tuesday since he gave me a surprise call. It was so quick that I couldn't even tell him I miss him, and all I did was let my tears flow endlessly on the other end while listening to him talk. I wasnt even in time to get his phone number.

He told me he'll be going to stay in his Mum's place yesterday and that we can chat and webcam for as long as we wish, so excitedly, I waited for him.

I had a really bad day yesterday, and I so wanted to tell him abt it. Fortunately there was Victor around to chat with me. It was, however, embarassing that I cried halfway while chatting with him. I have been feeling really stressed after coming back to Singapore.

I've only 1 week+ to make myself look proper, and despite trying very hard, nothing seems to be working well. My only handbag snapped as I was going out yesterday, and it did make me feel frustrated as I have only ONE handbag that goes with everything, one which I have used for years. It got my nerves because I am already struggling with shoes and clothes, and I really don't need one more thing to add to my shopping list.

It shocked Jane to find out that I have only one black handbag to go out with. She was kind enough to take me shopping yesterday, and helped me choose clothes, but she's the really fashionable kind, so the type of clothes she chose for me were very nice, but loud. I would happily try them on if I wasn't aiming for just proper clothes to wear when I see his parents.

She felt really guilty when I didn't actually buy anything productive in the end. But I am still grateful for helping me.

Anyway, Vic also so kindly volunteered to take me out shopping today if I really need someone to give an opinion. Webcammed with him yesterday to ask for an opinion about my curls. Even he thinks it'll look nicer if it's less curly. I'm still not used to having curls, and am so tempted to secretly go to the salon and ask if the hairstylist can do something abt it. Jane's friend told me to go wash it, because it'll become less curly soon. But how can I make a miracle happen in 1 week?

What's worse is that my Mum isn't the greatest help too. We were supposed to go shopping for MY clothes, and she ended up shopping for hers. And the clothes she asked me to try were really old and I couldn't help thinking if she wanted me to try them so that she can wear them too. I also couldn't help thinking that my own Mum is very selfish.

I don't think CG knows how stressed I am about my appearance. There has never been a night so far that I can go to bed without crying. I need to talk to someone and get something done abt myself, but I can't find anyone. Even Jane could tell I was very stressed, and she even suggested that I give up my relationship if it gives me so much pressure.

I can't help feeling bothered. I am so afraid that after trying so hard, I end up looking disastrous (which I already think I am). I also cannot help thinking what CG will say when he sees me looking in this state and what his parents will say when they see me.

There is no way I can become pretty since I wasn't born with good facial features, and neither am I blessed with good complexion. And I would already have marks deducted on the paternal side since his Dad likes pretty girls more. But CG told me I can make up for it with other qualities I have got, which he thinks is highly possible because he thinks I'm not fake, and his Dad likes people like that. His mum doesn't care about looks, and to be honest, I don't know what to expect. CG thinks his Mum will like me very much because our character is about the same, but still, can I not help feeling worried?

I am worried I won't make it through and I know if I fail to leave a good impression, that is close to the end of my relationship. I know it sounds ridiculous because we can find ways to get through this hurdle, rather than saying it's the end. But with my confidence level going down gradually, and the fact that we're from different lands, it makes things so much more difficult for us. I would choose to not give him up, but will he do the same? I am sure if he has to make a choice between me and his parents, he will give me up even though he is hoping it'll never have to happen. Besides, I think parental approval is really important for a relationship to go on. It definitely doesn't help having parents making things difficult for us until u have no choice but to let them have their way. And should he have to give me up for this reason, can I blame him? I most likely can't, because I would make the same choice too.

And when I start thinking abt this, I can't help feeling more stressed up.

I can't believe it...it's the 3rd today..less than one week left. And a new day has begun, and so does my stress again. I really just want to stay at home and forget abt it all, but is that possible? I am so scared of having to go shopping later again..

Coming home this time seemed different this time. There is usually a slight tinge of excitement, happiness and relief whenever I touch down in Changi Airpot, but amazingly, this time, I didn't feel excited or happy anymore.

Even Dad said I've changed because I will normally look out to spot my parents while walking to the belt to collect my luggage, but today, I just took a short glance and didn't care at all. I hardly smiled too. My parents didn't look excited to see me either.

And I was right. The moment they saw me, they started commenting about how I look, how much weight I've lost, my pimples etc. The usuals, yet it makes my blood boil everytime I hear it. Completely turns me off. Is it my fucking fault that I've got pimples? I think any bird brain will know that even if u cleanse your face often, hormones can still cause pimples and does it look like I love having them?

I felt so sad that I went back to my room a while after I reached home to email my boy. I miss him so much, and it feels weird without him by my side now. He pisses me off loads at times, but I still miss him. I was hoping so much to hear his voice, to chat with him online, but I know he won't be able to do so today because Du Jing Yuan (one of his houses) doesn't have an internet connection, since that house is vacant most of the time. Just less than a day without him and I am already feeling this way. It just scares me as to how I'm going to cope if he doesn't get to stay in UK for the next few years. I will have no idea how long I will get to see him again. I really don't wish to end up having a "bf visible on the internet only". I'm very scared.

I don't know if I am starting to pull away from my family. I no longer look forward to their calls, don't even give a damn or get worried abt my hp's battery going dead( it can go dead for days without me even noticing), and now that I'm home, somehow, I don't feel like I blend in anymore. I just want to be left alone. It's weird isn't it?

I'm just hoping that all I'm feeling is just PMS and not because I have really changed.

Wish I can have him next to me now to coax me to sleep. I would love to pick up the phone now and call him, but I don't even have his number. I know it sounds silly. I want to hear his voice..even if it's only 5 mins.