Watch the clown in action

If there's ever a medical clown, I'm sure to win the title. I actually made Sophie luff over silly things I did in hospital today. Even I couldn't help luffing too. If only there was a hole in the ground, I'll hide my whole face in there manz....

First, I ended up throwing my whole plate filled with food over the tray. I've always been careful about the plate on the tray during lunch because it's really slippery and the plate seems to slip at the slightest movement (They ought to change trays!). But today, that stupid white clinical coat of mine got hooked onto the end of some railing, and the sudden pull made my plate slip on the tray. It went flying. I saw it, and my first reaction was to close my eyes and turn my face away (duh!). The food was everywhere and the plate broke as well. Darn..I felt like some 3 year old who can't handle a tray properly. The cashier was nice, and didn't make me feel silly, but some angmos did give me the 'look'. Sigh. Sophie started teasing me when I was dining with her at the table...wah liew...boy was I totally ashamed of myself. I must be EXTRA careful the next time. Good thing is..the Consultants weren't in the dining hall yet. It would be ultra embarassing if they saw what I did. Fancy me being 23 yrs of age in December this year...sheesh.

2nd, I made the library alarm go off. There was a nurses' meeting in the Postgraduate Centre cum Library. I wanted to borrow a book, and had to get the librarian to book it out for me. In order to get to the librarian's, it will mean I have to interrupt the meeting by just walking through the meeting room, which obviously is not very nice. Sophie knocked the door and interrupted them before, and the Nurse conducting the meeting wasn't very pleased. I definitely didn't wanna anger anyone, so I decided to go by another way. But I forgot that there were alarms there (it's those sort u get at the exit of Popular Bookstore), and the library book I was intending to borrow made the alarm go off. It was FREAKING LOUD, and instantly, everyone in the library were giving me shocked stares. I just stood there stunned because I got a shock by the loud alarm. Sophie was luffing like crazy..and she told me to stand in front of the surveillance camera to show the book that I was holding, so that Salma (the lovely librarian) will know I'm taking the book to her counter through another way. No way was I gonna make the alarm sound again, so Sophie and I did some silly "dance" in front of the surveillance camera with the book.

Finally, we decided to just be mean and interrupt the Nurses' meeting, so off we went knocking and sneak in to go to Salma's. When we went there, Mrs Powell (another very lovely lady in charge of our clinical arrangements in the hospital) was laughing like crazy. She was saying she could see how shocked I was in the screen, and Salma was telling her that she's gonna go save me. Wah liew! Then she started luffing over the silly things Sophie and I did in front of the camera (waves, "dancing", book "promotion").

Sophie was still laughing when I told her how embarrassed and what a clown I was the whole of today. Gosh..imagine if the Consultants saw what I did...what will they say manz. Yikes...fortunately, only some of the Senior House Officer (equivalent to the Medical Officer in Sg) and Registrars saw what I did. I swear I will not do it again....*blush*

Anyway, it was a pretty good day, although it was tiring. I was so exhausted that I dozed off while reading a Neurological Examination book in the Library, and KO when I came home for a good 90 mins. I reckon I could slp longer, but I promised to do oral revision on Neuro Examination with Sophie later, so I definitely have to do some intensive studying (unfortunately, I can't finish...darn..shall continue with it tmr). Sophie and I did some intensive revision on the Cardiovascular, Respiratory and Abdominal system during lunch by testing each other orally. It was helpful, and made me feel that I do know my stuffs. We cleared doubts with each other too.

Last week, I approached Dr Prem (my consultant) regarding teaching by him. I am so pleased that he remembered, and was very enthusiastic to teach both me and Sophie today. We were brought round to examine patients. It was a mini "test" for us because he told us to just show him how we would do it individually if we were in the exam. After which, he will give us his comments. I was so pleased when he told me that if I did what I showed him during the exam, there was no reason to why I will fail in those particular stations during the Clinical exam. Yay!!!! He looked pretty happy about our performance too. :)

Got another teaching with Dr Prem on Friday again. Great! I can't wait!!! I'm really hoping I will have loads of such teaching. It sets my heart at ease, and making me feel more confident of myself in a way.

Oh yes...that Sophie drew out on her notepad our timeline for our future in the medical field during lunch. It was so cute. It looks kinda sad that we're stuck in only the beginning stage (it's a extreeeeeemely long route!!!!!)..but she kept consoling herself and me that we'll get to the end finally and we're definitely gonna pass our clinical exam. She's extremely optimistic manz..haha. It's a blessing to have her around to give me some morale boost.

Let me put a rough gauge of the path:
Medical School - 5/6 years
Pre-registration House Officer - 1 year
Registered House Officer - 1 year
Senior House Officer (aka MO in Sg) - 3-4 years at least
Registrar (provided you pass the postgrad exams..passing rate's like 20%) - 3-4 years at least
Consultant....Senior Consultant etc etc.

Long hor? I'll be a grumpy old hag by then manz...aiyo...

(I'll be very very happy if I hit the rank of Registrar (they r pretty big shot already, and their clinical knowledge is darn good)..haha..the route should be more or less stabilised till then...but it's such a looooooong way to even get there from where I am now...)

Spring Cleaning

Since it's spring in UK, I shall do some cleaning. Spring Cleaning as they call it mahz..note the word "Spring". So..cleaning shouldn't be done in any other season right? Nahz..I was juz trying to take the piss out of u. :)

That was exactly what I did today. A pretty thorough spring cleaning session. Not just my room, but my mind as well.

I spent a good 4 hours plus cleaning my small room. It's freaking long, and most of the time spent was on vacuuming the carpet. It was PURE torture using a semi-jammed vacuum cleaner. It was soooooooo inefficient, that I ended up using the brush to brush up ALL the dirts and hair. I even had to use my hands to pick every bit of it up...it was super disgusting. I was so disgusted by it, and I could sense how filthy my hands are that even when my hair kept irritating my pimples-bursting face, I did not even dare to sweep it away.

Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. Went to wash my hairs, and came up with a plan to keep my hair away. Nope, it's not tying a ponytail. It's using my shower cap. Yah, sounds damn funny hor? It looked funny too. My housemate was giggling away when he saw me with my shower cap and struggling with the vacuum cleaner.

And my oh my, was I shocked to realise how much hair I've dropped!!!! Goodness!!!! If it goes on at this rate, I reckon I'll be bald by 40. No kidding. I threw a bag of hair away...yes..it's THAT bad..and mind you..it's not a very small bag.

Now my room's neater than before. It's not in the best condition, but I'm satisfied. Pretty clean too! I'm feeling really proud of myself. Oh..I took some photos of my room (after it's been cleaned), but I'm too lazy to load them now. Will do it when I am in the mood to do so.

It felt good throwing stuffs out of my house today. I didn't throw a whole load of stuffs, but I managed to get rid of some. There are still loads of rubbish around though. Reckon I will have to do a major round of spring cleaning again...that would be a MASSIVE one.

After cleaning the room, I decided to spring clean my mind as well. Sat down and thought hard for quite long. Thought through things that I have gone through over a short period of the past year. Every event went through my head...every single one.

I'm sure my friends will think I'm silly to think through because it's just gonna hurt me again. I knew it will, but I decided to face it, and put an end to it once and for all. I don't really believe in "Give yourself time to heal". I tried that many times, but it never work. You just go in circles time and time again. I decided to be harsh on myself once again.

I don't think I told anyone where I went in the afternoon on Christmas Eve last year. I shall reveal what I did that day.

I went to the temple. I had a lot in me, which couldn't be released because I have to put on a front in front of my family and friends. I needed a quiet place which will allow me to say all my inner feelings out. I needed a place where no one can listen to what I want to say, where no one can see me break down, where no one can see how I truly feel. The temple was the only place I could go.

I spent a long time kneeling in the prayer hall, saying everything that was in my mind. I cried a lot there too. I also made a promise to myself. I told myself that if I don't see Jason again till my bday, I will not allow myself to cry over him again. It wasn't about being heartless. I just can't imagine crying because of him for dunno how long more. Almost everyday for 4 months is long enuff. It was difficult cos even after then, sometimes, I could feel tears whelming up, but I manage to stop them from rolling.

Today, I shall do it once more. I shall make today the last day I will cry for any guy who used to mean something to me. I shall be harsh to myself once more, and I will make sure it will be a success once again.

I realised that they are not worthy of my tears. They are not worthy of anything at all. And most importantly, who are they to hurt me? Have they got the right to do so? Definitely NOT! Even if they have got a 1001 reasons, they still do NOT have a single right to do so. Hence, from today onwards, I shall not allow anyone to have the chance to hurt me again. I'm gonna be firm about it. And I shall not shed a drop of tear over people who do not deserve it anymore.

People who are heartless, cruel, willing to sacrifice anything and anyone because of themselves, and have eyes for no one but themselves, do NOT deserve my attention. No one under those categories shall comment that I have no feelings for anyone and anything else about me BECAUSE they have NO right to. All for a simple reason. BECAUSE they should look into the mirror and reflect on their selfish, cruel and heartless ways before saying anything about anyone.

I'll say it once again. I will NOT cry over worthless people again. Mark my words. - Period-

I wanted..

I wanted to do something different today, since my brain's too clogged up by NOTHING to study properly.

I wanted to have a friend spend time with me.

I wanted to have dinner with a friend.

I wanted to watch a movie with a friend.

I wanted to enjoy my drama serial with a friend.

I wanted to joke, laugh and talk abt anything with a friend.

But....sigh...nvm...

Obligations and the Asshole

It was pretty funny when Darren talked so much to me about this issue..haha.

Just when I think I'm kinda bo hiu already, I was so amazed to realise that there's someone who's even more bo hiu and bo chup than me.

He was saying I am not obligated to do anything for anyone. If it gets on my nerves, just go ahead and say "I am busy" or "I am not free"..ahaha. Ay, actually sometimes I feel like saying that, but yeah..it's the 'aiyah..nvm lah..be nice' mentality that stops me from being such an asshole. I tend to feel guilty if I just completely ignore and don't help the person, I suppose.

I was even more surprised when he said I'm nice to bully. Gosh! He's like the dunno number what person to tell me that. Am I that nice to bully huh? *ponders* Oh well, as long as they don't hurt me in any way, I'm fine with it.

Had a few social obligations these 2 days. Before I go on abt it..let me announce something. It made me so happy and relieved!

I spoke to my clinical subdean about the problems I am facing abt the clinical examination and about my 'studying problem'. Miss Sweetland was really so nice! I'm so glad I made the right decision to have a chat with her. She clarified all my doubts about how detailed I should get for each system, and now I think I have a clear idea about expectations at my level. Phew! And she also told me that I'm not the only one who keeps forgetting about the details of diseases and conditions. She said that even she does, till this level of being a Consultant Surgeon, and it's a natural thing that everyone in the medical field goes through. It only takes experience to remember it. Finally, I don't feel abnormal, thinking that I'm got memory impairment (even though my memory is still bad compared to a lot of my classmates).

Ok, now for the social obligations.

Sophie asked me to go clubbing with her and her housemates on Thursday night, but I ended up not going because I didn't have a clubbing attire to wear. No way am I going in to the clubs with turtle necks again (it's freaky hot!). Gave the excuse that I was knackered..and I felt so terribly guilty when she smsed me to ask me to have an early night and have a good rest. Oh boy did it feel bad lying. Told Mum about it, and she suggested I take her out for a good meal to make up for it. Yeah, I think I'll do that..will find a good time to do so.

It was Steven's (one of my housemates) bday yesterday (Good Friday). Because the house was gonna sing a bday song for him, the others knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to join them. I thought it won't be nice if I don't give face, so I joined in. I didn't talk a lot when I was in the living room with them, cos irritating JC was around. Hahaha..those who know me pretty well would most likely have heard me complaining about her. It's not that I didn't wanna talk, but whenever she's around, she will make sure she gets the attention from everyone, so...give it to her lor (not as if I'm gian to have others' attention...pui!).

Buay tahan her...wish I could have thrown her out of the window yesterday manz. Well, I have to admit that because I didn't like her very much, I tend to be more sensitive towards her shitty ways. Let me tell ya what she said yesterday..

JC: Ay..u know why I put strawberries on the cheese cake I baked for ur bday?
Steven: Why?
JC: Cos I like to eat strawberries, so I put strawberries...

Stupid shit. -.-

We decided to take photos, so Yichong brought down his big tripod. When he was setting it up, he was commenting that whenever he went out with his gf...he can never take photos of himself...hahahahahaha....cos his gf will make him take photos of her ALL the time...and he said he's like some walking camera man..hahaha.

During photo taking time, I happen to stand close to JC (We only had Steven sitting down between us), and wah liew...u should really try to be in my position manz. She was yelling at her bf about the camera, and kaoz....her voice is already loud by nature (she's famous for being nicknamed as 'Loud Speaker' in Cardiff)...you can just imagine how loud it is when she yells. It was the kind of volume which will make u jerk away and cover ur ears sort. I was so pissed off I almost went "Wah liew JC, stop yelling lah!!! You know your voice is damn loud or not?! You wanna wake the neighbours up isit? Now already past midnight, hello?" And what was she yelling abt, you may ask...

JC: KUNSEN! PUT THE FLASH ON FOR THE CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!
Kunsen: Why must put flash?
Yichong: Yah lor..why must put? Don't put lah...the lighting here is ok already.
JC: I DON'T CARE! MUST PUT FLASH!
Kunsen: But why?!
JC: COS IF U DUN PUT FLASH, I WON'T LOOK NICE IN THE PHOTO
Me: -.-
Kunsen: Nahz..u'll look fine...
Yichong: Aiyah...it's just u what. Trust me, the pic will be fine without the flash.
JC: I DON'T CARE!!!! KUNSEN...PUT THE FLASH ON! LATER THE PHOTO NOT NICE!!!!
Kunsen: It's ok without it.
Yichong: Oei, hurry up leh..

So finally the pics were taken without flash. Kaoz...she and her ' I don't look nice' logic. Machiam the main feature of the pic is her... *rolls eyes*

This evening, all of us went out for dinner at a chinese restaurant. Kunsen and her went off together, while the rest of us drove another car there. We arrived earlier cos the couple went to return some DVDs. And it was damn funny at the restaurant, cos the guys were saying we should hurry choose our stuffs before JC arrives...hahahahha...gosh..I think I know why, and I think my guess is right..

When she arrived, the first thing she said was "AY, I WANT TO EAT BEANCURD!". I got damn sianz on the spot when she said that. Not because I didn't want beancurd, but I was thinking if the guys will all give way to her (they always do...she's like queen of the house when she's an 'illegal' lodger) and then she will end up choosing only the dishes she wants to eat. I won't be surprised if she does that. And if she really does that, I'm definitely gonna insist that I want stuffs which she probably doesn't like. I won't give way to her manz. To hell with her if she gets pissed.....

It's a good thing we already decided on a few choices before she came, so she didn't have her way this time round.

I talked really little after she came. Same reason.

Anyway, I had a filling dinner, and the food was not bad. Company wasn't that bad (except for her presence) too.

Oh yah..I bought Easter eggs for my housemates! I decided to buy for them as well since I was gonna buy some to give to Sophie and my other friends in the hospital. It did make me really happy when they were touched, and surprised. I didn't leave out JC's share (trust me, if it weren't becos it won't look nice if I gave everyone one except her, I wouldn't have bought her share), and she didn't even say a word of 'Thanks' at all. So rude....I wish I had some rotten eggs on hand manz..would have smashed it into her face with them..

What the hell is wrong with some ppl?!

I'm blogging this while feeling darn pissed off.

I'm wondering why some ppl are so.......ARGH!!!!

I just can't understand why some ppl, having asked for a favour, end up demanding u do stuffs for them..and if it doesn't work, they start getting pissed off with u. "Excuse me, do u think u're the only one who will feel pissed?! I'm just pissed off cos of u too ya noe?!"

I was asked to do a favour for one of my friends in Sg. Had to help her check out if her UK hp will work in Sg, so that she can call UK. I did that. Then she asked me to go buy her a top card card since there's no credit left on her UK hp. I did that. Gave her the top up card number, and apparently, she realised her UK hp has got no reception, meaning..she can't call the number I gave her to top up her credit. Then she started pestering me many times a day about why that's so. Then asked me to go to the shops and check for her again. And even asked me to call up the hp company. I got quite irritated cos my sg hp kept beeping continuously, and every msg had 'URGENT' in it, meaning, I HAVE to reply asap. It's pissing cos I'm busy in hospital, and how the hell am I gonna reply every msg immediately? Plus, I definitely have to reply her msges, and it's NOT cheap manz!

The hospital isn't near the city either, and with the totally crap 9-5 working hrs in UK, how the hell am I gonna go to the shops ALL THE TIME?! What can I do if I don't make it there before 5? And by right, I should never be able to make it to the shops on weekdays since I'm obligated to stay till 5 from Mon-Fri (which fortunately, I don't have to since I get to sneak off if there's nothing very much to do for the day). And because of her hp issue, I had to make myself go to the city like 5 times just to solve her stupid hp problem.

And the craziest thing is..her sg hp is working..why can't she use it to call UK? If it's too ex, then use the house phone to call. She said that she called, but no one in the hp company picked up her call, hence, she wants me to call for her. That's so INSANE! If no one picked it up, does it mean if I call, they will pick up? What insane rubbish. Not to mention, I stated time n time again that I am in HOSPITAL and CAN'T leave as and when I want in dunno how many sms msges I have sent to her, and she's asking me to go check for her cos it's urgent. WHAT THE...!!!!!

What else can I do if there's no reception...no one is picking up the call...and I'm stuck in hospital huh?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm so pissed..I wanted to just tell her "Look, I have done all I could. Stop demanding and insisting I get solved for u, when there's a lot of things u could have done it urself...like calling up the phone company!". But I can't, cos she's my friend...argh..

I had another issue similar to this 2 years ago too. That was a nightmare.

There's this girl in my Uni who was gonna be in 1st year. Being a senior, I expected her to feel lost and all alone. So I offered to help her in any way I could. Then she started pestering me day and night about her air ticket (I got Dad to book it) and if the flight's full, she'll start losing temper on me and insist I get it done for her (hello? wat u want me to do? throw passengers off the plane?). Note that I did not have a ticket for myself then too. And because she wanted me to go with her to UK, I had to get one for myself as well.

So off we went to UK together (finally), and I couldn't leave her alone and head back to where I was staying. I had my luggages with me, and when I got her settled with the arrangements on how the Uni's gonna send her to her accomodation, I left. Then I came back realising that my house was in a horrendous condition. It was so bad that I cannot possibly sleep in the house for a few nights. Then I had my Dad ringing me up when I was bothered enuff, telling me that THAT girl is crying in her room. She called home and told her parents that she feels alone and scared, and I'm not bothering about her. So her dad called mine and asked him what's going on. Hence, Dad called to tell me about what was going on. I was so mad when I heard about it. Just got so pissed that I told him I did not ignore her, and I'm having enuff trouble myself cos I can't even unpack my stuffs in the house with such a condition. I didn't even mention the attitude she gave me throughout the flight to Dad. She was the one ignoring me throughout the 16 hours' flight! And I was still trying very hard to wonder what's going on in her bloody head.

Finally, I decided to settle her problem first before mine. So I thought maybe I'll just bring her around to buy necessary stuffs, bring her to dinner so that she won't feel so lonely and scared. But the whole day, she gave me hell by not wanting to talk to me, and losing temper on me. I was so pissed I wish I could slap her manz...piece of shit! But I just didn't do anything..continued trying to coax her... (i was cursing inside though).

And because I was so worried she's gonna cry when she goes back (plus I needed a place to slp for the night), I told her I'll sleep over at her place. But when I was there, she continued ignoring me. I was unpacking her stuffs while she was having her shower. Then when she was all done, she just went to sleep.

The next day, I brought her out again. No change. Attitude. Not to mention she actually complaint hell loads to her parents...with all the ' I don't care about her' rubbish
(who's not caring for who manz). Dad, as usual, will then start ringing me up to ask me what's wrong and start lecturing and blaming me for the way she's feeling, without even know the situation.

I got so frustrated with her "F off" attitude, I decided to bunk in a hotel the next day. Dad was worried she will start crying in the night again, so he asked me to let her bunk in with me in the hotel. I insisted I'm gonna slp alone there, and I had enuff of her rubbish. I remember telling Dad that I'm not a nanny and to hell if she cries. I'm not gonna be there 24/7 and then casting all my other stuffs aside JUST BECAUSE she is crying over NOTHING. If she's got a valid reason, I probably won't be so pissed.

And u noe what? She didn't even the least appreciate anything I did for her. She only start pestering me if she demands I solve her problems or if she's in some kind of shitty biz. Not even a word of 'Thanx' from day 1. She didn't even bother to check if I've got my own problems solved. Even if I were to see her on the streets, she just ignore me completely, or if she's in a good mood, just a monotonous 'Hi'. And when she's got lobangs to get extra weight access for luggage (her dad noes someone in the airline we took), she didn't even offer to help me through when she bloody knows I've got excess. Cos Dad usually book the seats for me n her, so we're sitting together. Dad prefers me to sit in the aisle rather than the window. I guess her dad prefers her to sit in the aisle seat as well, so whenever it was time to check in, her dad will make sure she goes before me, and hence, she'll get the aisle seat and I'll be stuck with the window.

I guess Dad know how selfish that girl and her dad is, so he never lecture me again about anything regarding her. And from then on, we have got nothing more to do with her, which is GOOD!

Sigh..feeling much better after blogging now. Shall do some studying before I go out to settle some urgent biz.

Oh...Sophie asked if I wanna go clubbing tonight. She's pretty persistent, and said I should go out and have some crazy time. Hmm..should I go?

Murmurs are such a pain in the arse

A major pain they are, but crucial in clinical examination. Miss it, and you can just end up failing your whole exam. It's THAT bad.

Of all the examinations of the different systems, I find Cardiovascular Examination one of the worst, yet it's such a core thing that there's no way you can ever escape from examining.

I was really worried the whole night yesterday, but fortunately, I managed to doze off. Was pretty tired when I got up this morning, cos my sleep wasn't very good. Woke up twice.

Anyway, I zapped the cardiovascular chapter of a book my housemate recommended. I already had a general knowledge of the examination, so this book was pretty handy in a way, it's not toooooo detailed...it's not toooooo brief either.

Did a thorough studying of that chapter this evening, and I think I sort of know the murmurs pretty well now. At least I know what kind of murmurs they are now, where they are found, wat other features they've got etc. It was such a pain and definitely frustrating when I first read about them, then it got better (I just hope I don't forget). I reckon reading about murmurs is much easier than actually doing and hearing it. It's not always you get to hear murmurs, so there's this lack of opportunity. And I guess I might have a good idea of how to differentiate the type of murmurs at different regions of the chest now.

(Julian, if u're reading this, I found this pretty cool website for murmurs. Maybe u wanna take a look? http://www.familypractice.com/heartlab/heartlab.htm The site has got audio sounds too! But it's not extremely helpful cos despite the sounds, I still have trouble guessing what type of murmur it is just based on listening)

Feeling pretty relieved after reading the chapter. Have jotted down some questions I've got regarding the cardio exam, so might try to get those sorted with my consultant next week.

Oh yes..I got a great offer today...haha..I will think about it when I get my top priorities sorted. Well, I got home early today, and headed off to the city to do a friend a favour, buy Mum's bday card, and to check out the status of my accomodation application since I've not received the tenancy agreement yet (worry it got lost in the mail). The friendly guy was there..haha..and he was so excited when he saw me. "HEY MICHELLE!!!!! Nice to see u again. Come in! I have great news to tell u!!!" he said. He also explained to me the reason why the tenancy agreement isn't sent out yet..will have to wait another 1-2 weeks. I was given the official receipt for the deposit too, so I can take the load off my mind for a while and wait patiently for the agreement to arrive.

And for the great news he wanted to tell me (haha..he actually called me on my hp today, but I didn't pick it up cos I was in clinic..hmm..can sense his excitement)....because I'm the first 100 to apply for the accomodation, the company in charge of this accomodation has given me two early-bird offers:

1. Free travel card (rail or bus) for one whole year (I'm intending to take the bus since I've got the rail already.)
2. One year free broadband or a brand new Ipod.

How's that?! Damn good right? His colleague was damn funny too. He wanted to bribe me more by offering to give me more freebies if I can drag my friends to move into the new accomodation (yeah yeah..biz tactics..). The offer he gave me was...if I can bring my friends in to move into my new flat, he will not only give me the free travel card, the free broadband PLUS he will buy me a brand new Ipod.

But the thing is...how am I gonna drag my pals to move in with me? If I could, I wouldn't have to source for this place myself..sheesh..and I'm sure they will go "aiyo..dun want lah..so ex..." (when it's actually not at all *rolls eyes*). I shall start calculating which offer (broadband or ipod) I should take. Anyone knows anything about the Ipod? Care to give me your feedback about it?

Demoralised

Demoralising day for me. And hence, making me really worried and insecured.

I have always thought I know my clinical examination skills pretty well, having revise the steps not only at home, but even when I'm in the train, I'll be thinking about it, imagining the steps in my head, and still doing so while walking to the hospital from the train station.

But just one teaching session with the Registrar today totally destroyed my confidence. It feels horrible, and because of that, I was very down the whole day.

Nothing is going through my head but "REVISE CARDIOVASCULAR EXAMINATION AGAIN!!!!" since lunch time. I didn't enjoy my lunch despite it being nice.

Even when I came home, dinner wasn't in my mind too. Straight after my shower, I started revising intensively. It was only when I felt hungry then did I go microwave some food to eat. I was practically stuffing myself despite being very troubled, because it made me feel better.

I got very very very frustrated while studying this evening. I surfed the net finding good sites whereby I can get to read about murmurs and heart sounds written in a simplified manner, and hopefully with audio files. Managed to find 2 good sites, but I still find it hard to really remember everything and to recognise ALL types of murmurs and heart sounds. I was almost at the verge of pulling my hair out.

I'm not sure if it's me who is being incompetent, or is it because the Registrar (having got his postgrad degree, and hence thinking that we should be as good as him in examinations) giving us too intensive a teaching session for our level. I feel really scared and worried..I'm so worried I will flop my clinical exam. Just...what is enough for me to pass and get through? No one seems to have an answer. All I hear from the junior doctors is "Go see more patients. Practise and practise..". Yup, I did that, but the thing is...it's not gonna help very much if I keep practising the way I always do, thinking it's right..and feeling happy about it..go to exam with it..and then come out realising that I did not carry out certain steps which I should have done. Sophie's quite a slack person (she's smart though..cos she remembers things quickly and don't seem to forget stuffs), and everytime I were to go do an examination on a patient with her, she will tell me she thinks I got the examination done properly. I guess only if a consultant were to tell me I did it right will I then feel secure about what I'm doing.

I had a chat with my housemate about this, and managed to get some tips, despite him not really remembering how to do it properly too.

Sigh...I'm wondering if every med student feels just as insecure as I do...or is it just me? Really worried I go into some panic attack at some stage. I hope it doesn't happen. It doesn't feel good at all.

If only someone could tell me what I should do about my clinical skills.....help me out or something.... Give me a miracle or some confidence boost...

Once again, I'm doubting my ability.....if only I can talk to someone about it...someone who knows about what I'm going through in med sch at this stage.... I'm soooo lost...

The big C

The number of cancer patients I got to see in hospital isn't a big number. I've seen 4 in total so far. 2 were in hospital, 1 was during a outpatient clinic, and another was at a cancer centre receiving treatment (I did my cancer project with this patient).

It's really sad to hear about them being diagnosed with cancer. It's very difficult to break such news to them as well. I've always admired doctors specialising in cancer, because it requires a lot to enable them to hold back their emotions should their patients breathe their last one day. Some get well of course, but there are cases whereby things just don't go the right way for them, and it seems as though they are destined to leave within a short period of time.

I used to wonder if this specialisation was a good one. I don't think I can take it. First, I'm not someone who gets along very well with people, and if I were to specialise in this, I definitely will have to foster a strong bond with the patient, and when the bonds are strong, it's hard to accept it when they bid an eternal goodbye to you.

The cancer patients I have encountered left a deep impression in some ways. One had brain cancer which was diagnosed too late, and just when the doctors realised he has got cancer, he died 2 days later. Everything happened so quickly, and of course, his family couldn't take it. I wasn't around to witness his death, but I heard from the doctors that it was bad the day he died. The only thing I saw was the bad news being told to him and his wife. I can still remember the look on his face as well as his wife's. I can still remember the way he grabbed his wife's hands so tightly when she heard about it from the doctor and the way she looked at him. It was a very sad, yet touching sight.

Another had pancreatic cancer. She, too, passed away after being sent back to nursing home. She was too ill and there wasn't a point of her being in hospital anymore. The cancer had an effect on her bilirubin levels in the blood, causing her to get jaundice and because the levels were so high, it got her into a confused state (called kernicterus). She wasn't able to speak very well, and was sleeping all the time.

The patient I did my cancer project on had oesophageal cancer. He was lucky because it was the initial stage, and he managed to do well with treatment.

A patient I met at outpatient clinic last year had cancer of somewhere which had spread to his liver, and it was an extensive one. He, too, heard the news only when he went to see the doctor. Accompanied by his wife, both of them couldn't take the news. It was quite bad that the doctor and I had to leave the room for them to let them have some peace and quiet. I could see tears in their eyes as well. I did tear when I went out of the room, cos I felt really sad for them, and even though I was just a stranger, I could feel their pain.

Today, there was a patient which came in with a chest problem. His chest X ray was abnormal, and despite past treatments for infections, it seemed as though it was not getting any better. He had signs of a sinister diagnosis and with all the info gathered, there's a high possibility he's got lung cancer. I guess the registrar I was with today was highly suspicious of it, so he went to look for the consultant to discuss about it. While he was away, I had a chat with the couple, and from the things they told me, I was more confident in my bet for lung cancer. The registrar didn't mention anything about it when he came back, but told the patient to be admitted today and to go for further investigations.

When the patient and his wife left...

Doc: Any ideas what this patient might have?
Me: CA Lung
Doc: Yeah, I would think so too....

Yup, I got the kick for making a good guess, but it wasn't a happy thing for me because it's not a nice thing at all. And I remembered what the patient's wife said to me during our little chat..."He's not been feeling very well for the past 6 mths...I certainly hope he will get well soon...". How can one not feel anything after hearing that? I'm not saying that lung cancer's incurable...it can be cured for certain cases..but even so, the prognosis isn't good. Very few people get to live through 5 years. However, it's a good thing if it's picked up now, so that treatment can be given without delay. It would be disastrous if it's not. A textbook I read today said that untreated mild cases will enable 2-3 mths of life, while untreated severe cases has only 4 weeks. It's scary isn't it?

Also, in the Doctors' Meeting this afternoon, an interesting case was discussed. It was about a lady who went into hospital with chest pains which sounded like muscular pains. However, days later, she came back to hospital complaining that her pains got worse, during which investigations were carried out, and she was admitted. The signs she got sounded like a cardiac, respiratory or musculoskeletal problem, so all sorts of investigations was done for those. However, it was noted that her blood tests had abnormal values. She slowly went into jaundice, and her abdomen started hurting. It was then the doctors diverted their attention to the disgestive system, and went to investigate her liver and pancreas. There, they found a number of metastases (meaning there's cancer) in the organs. 2-3 days later, she died. Hence, the interesting part of this case was...is chest muscular pains a benign issue? Definitely not for this case. I was pretty fascinated by it because muscular pains are always known to be a benign issue...who would actually imagine all that to be related to the liver and pancreas?

*Yawn* Very tired today manz. I shall go have my bird's nest and then go to bed. Really cannot tahan much longer... (I was so tired that I actually dozed off during the 2nd half of the doctor's meeting. I hope no one saw it...haha..oh yah..even the consultant said he dozed off...lol...).

OH OH...LET ME TELL U SOMETHING INTERESTING!!!! Viagra sent their drug rep to the hospital today..wah liew..such a waste I didn't grab freebies (too many consultants crowding around the booth..so I was too shy to go and "steal" stuffs). It'll be so cool grabbing a few Viagra pens, Viagra post-it pads, and Viagra torniquets hor? Hahhahaa... Too bad there are no free Viagra pills for grabs, so guys who are reading this, pls don't ask me if I've got free samples... (even if I got also I won't give u...hahaa..nahz..juz kidding..I really don't have any). :)

Pill Obsession

After waiting patiently for one week, I thought I can finally have a great chat with my parents on the phone on a early Sunday morning (Sg time), but wah liew...it ended up as a parent-nagging session! I was so turned off that I started sounding drastically sianzzzzzzzzzzz, and even told my mum "ay...u gonna go on somemore...i gonna hang up and slp...", which made her laugh. I bet she knew I was so sianzzzz of listening to her nags, and what was worse....yesterday, Dad joined her in nagging at me!!! Gosh, since when did he turn naggy manz. *rolls eyes* With all that, the call only lasted 1.5 hrs (ay..that's quite long hor? i didn't even realise it until now), and of course, it was ME who asked to hang up...hahaha...expected isn't it? Mum was still laughing away when I sounded so desperate to hang up by going "yah yah..okok...i hang already.." like 3 or 4 times before I put it down.

So what was the nags about? As usual..it'll be abt $$$, abt food, abt school, abt accomodation, abt housemates. Nothing very interesting this week (there was nothing interesting last week either..sheesh). Was telling Mum that I feel disturbed and my concentration's rather affected at times (even when I'm not thinking about anything). She claims that it must be a lack of nutrition. I'm wondering if that's the cause, but I have been eating.

Anyway, she went on about me taking my multivitamins, and asking me to eat fish if possible. Talking about fish, it's damn sad that angmos only got cod and salmon fresh in the supermarkets. That seems like almost everything they've got. If not, the only ones u can get are frozen ones..for fish and chips. I am a fan of fish and chips, but there are times I need variety too. I can't possibly keep eating cod and salmon all the time isn't it? Sigh... There are frozen promfrets (one of my fav fish), but I have to go all the way to Chinatown to get, and I'm freaking lazy to do so. Plus, it's frozen....bleah. I want fresh ones....

Mum knows seafood's expensive and limited in UK, so she suggested buying Fish oils for Omega 3. And she started nagging about my intake of vegetables (again..angmos seem to have only carrots, broccoli, celery, lettuce). I luv veges, but aiyo...not broccoli again?! Gimme some green leafy ones manz!!!!! Argh...how come angmos can't have varieties like us Chinese??!??!?! Pak Choi is so expensive here too (but better than nothing). Costs like SG$4.20 for 3 bunches. The only place I can buy not-so-fresh chinese veg is from Chinatown again, and I don't go there very often. Veges turn yellow quickly too, so how to buy loads of it to keep? So she suggested I eat more fruits for fibre. She made me promise her I'll buy them all when I go out.

And that was what I did today! Haha...what a relaxing day. Went to town and bought quite a number of stuffs.

Bought a pack of black tights so that I can wear my skirts to hospital. The weather's turning warm now, and it'll be nice to start wearing my skirts :)

I went to Boots, one of my favourite stores in UK. I just love being there. I can spend hours walking ard to look at skin care products, hair care products, accessories, drugs etc. I spent $30 there today..goodness me. Here's what I bought:
1. Nail polish remover pads
2. Nail buffer
3. High Strength Triomega Concentrated Pure Fish Oils with Vit E
4. Pure Evening Primrose Oil with Vit E

I actually spent more than an hour just making a choice for the fish oils and evening primrose. There were so many dosages and brands around. I was reading what was written on every box. It was quite cool cos I learnt quite a few stuffs.

The Fish oils contain Omega 3 which is good for brain function, concentration and for the heart. The 2 important fatty acids for the brain is DHA and EPA. There was one box which said that studies show that EPA is more important than DHA, but there were others which emphasised more about DHA's importance. Hence, in order to have the best of both worlds, I went for one with a pretty good balance and I actually did silly things like calculating the amounts of DHA and EPA I will receive per daily intake of every brand. I also read things about GLA. GLA is said to be good for message transmission between nerves. But the one I bought didn't have it...

BUT BUT BUT the bottle of evening primrose oil capsule's got GLA! Evening primrose is good for hormonal balance (hurhur...tt's why women take it before and after periods especially) and for healthy-looking skin (did I mention that these few days my skin's been very bad?). Ok, I decided to buy this bottle because I wanted the GLA in it, and the bonus is..GLA is needed for smooth, healthy-looking skin too. Plus, it's got Vitamin E, which is also good for the skin. Since I reckon not ALL the vitamins in the multivitamin capsule I think will be absorbed by my body, I shall load myself with a bit more vitamin E. Hhaha...ok lah..I was just being a bit obsessed. I'm definitely aware that I need beauty sleep, more fluids and more fruits and vege for good skin, and not just supplements.

Shall start taking everything tomorrow morning. It's kinda scary cos I'll have to take a total of 9 capsules a day (1 multivitamin, 2 fish oil capsules, 6 evening primrose capsules). I feel like a pill freak now. And it reminds me of someone I saw in Centrepoint once. This lady was taking a bottle of each vitamin from the shelves i.e. 1 bottle of Vit A, bottles of Vit B (there are variations for this vitamin), 1 bottle of Vit C, etc. She was holding a basket, and the whole basket was not just full of bottles of vitamins, but of other minerals like calcium, iron, magnesium etc. I was then wondering why she didn't want to buy one bottle of MULTIvitamins instead, which sometimes comes with the essential minerals as well. I'm sure it's cheaper and more space-saving in the cupboards.

I also bought a lot of fruits today from Marks and Spencers:
1. Rockmelon slices
2. Watermelon slices
3. Sweet Pears
4. Bananas

Wanted to buy mango slices as well since I simply adore it, but decided not to cos I am worried it'll taste sour. I shall indulge in the fruits I bought starting tomorrow too.

And not forgetting, my weekly dosage of Bird's Nest. Just had a bowl just now..haha. Will have another tomorrow. Mum said it's good for lungs and complexion.. :D

I'm just sooooooooooooo freaking obsessed!!!!!!!! Can't stand myself...

New look

HA! After hours and hours of hard work, I finally got this new look up and going for the blog! Gosh..I'm so proud of myself...

The layout isn't done by me, but give me credit for making changes to it ok? It wasn't THAT simple for html idiots like me..

I know I should be studying my ass off rather than spend hours on the comp doing this, but I do need a break. And since it's good ol' Friday, the more I can have time to do other stuffs.

How's the new look of my blog? Oh, I added 'Tong Hua' for the background music. The song's nice, and because everyone seems to be obsessed with the song and MTV, I decided to just use it for your pleasure (and not my own since I'm sick of hearing it).

Apologies to those ppl whom I gave real slow replies to over MSN earlier on as I was busy doing this, and my internet connection's pretty screwed up this evening as well.

As I'm blogging this entry, poor Huishan is MSN-ing with me while working. Feel real sorry for her as she worked till real late the night before and have to work on a Saturday because of some problems in the company. Hey Shan, hope u'll finish everything real soon and go home to have a gooooood rest. To cheer u up a bit, remember your Batam trip with Si'en and Ruoying on Good Friday...haha.

Shall also take the chance to say thank you to a few of my mates like Clayton, Huishan, Darren, Boon and to whoever who took time to talk to me online yesterday, to make sure I'm alright, to lend me a listening ear (and shoulder..which unfortunately I can't lean on since I'm so far away..ahaha), and making sure I'm ready to go to sleep. I did have some issues yesterday, but I'm feeling much much better after talking. As usual, Darren knocked sense into me again..haha..thanks Darren!

Yes yes Huishan!!!! Remember what we said yesterday huh? The "Let's try to be happy" issue. :) It's a promise that we'll try together yah? If I ever stop somewhere, make sure u get me up on my feet and going again ok? Thanks for being ard, girl....

Alright, shall rush to do a little studying before I shoo off to sleep.

(Any rugby fans ard? It's the Grand Slam for rugby later in Cardiff. It's a darn big event for UK, especially for Wales since the Welsh team will be in it. Held at the famous Millenium Stadium. There's a soccer match here on Sunday as well...so this weekend, Cardiff's gonna be insanely packed!!!! Should I join the crowd by going to town? Or should I just stay at home? Hmm... )

This is not the way to go, Michelle

I am absolutely screwed manz! ARGH!

This is definitely not the way to go, and I'm gonna flop if I continue getting bogged down by wateva that is going on.

I have been so distracted in hospital over the past few days and in today's communication skills training.

Thoughts would just stream in, and I will turn deaf to everything else around me, even when patients are talking, resulting in me missing out bits and pieces of information. Afterwhich, I will find difficulty answering questions asked by my consultant. It makes me feel so stupid at times. That's so terribly unprofessional on my part. Fortunately, I'm not the doctor in charge. It can get disastrous if I just start thinking of other stuffs, and neglecting info frm patients which can lead to a crucial diagnosis.

And because this can get me into trouble in future, I should do my best to change. I'm sure no patients would wanna talk to a doctor who just go "sorry..wat were u saying a while ago?". Just makes them frustrated....and I definitely don't wish to get scolded by the patients or senior doctors. In worst cases, I can get into a lawsuit because of my negligence. Huge consequences.

It happened today during clinical skills training. And I practically screwed it up. I was so distracted, I couldn't communicate properly with the patient, and I could see that the doctor-in-charge got a bit upset with my performance. I had problems remembering what the patient talked about again, and even asked the dumbest questions on earth. One example..

Doctor: Right, Michelle. You've got a few diagnoses which u can hypothesize on now. UTI, IBD, Appendicitis and Ectopic pregnancy. If I were to grant you one more question which u can ask the patient, what would it be to rule out the diagnosis of ectopic pregnancy?

Me (to patient): Mrs Brown, are u married?

Doctor: Come on, u can get pregnant without getting married... Just say "Do you think there could be a possibility that you're pregnant?"

Me (to doctor): Sorry sir..

Am I insane or what? I can't believe I asked such a question. The doctor must be thinking I'm the craziest med student ard...stupid as well.

I guess he could sense I was not concentrating today. I'm sure he did, cos I know he stared right into my eyes with a strict face on several occasions. I felt really bad and tried to cut off eye contact. I think if he had a choice, he might just snap at me, which he didn't.

I tried to get myself back on track with a few more practices he gave, and I got better. But I know it's way off my usual standard. I never got more worried, more distracted and more off standard for communication than this afternoon. I'm still feeling very guilty about the whole incident today. I wish...I wish....I'll get over everything and keep my mind focused again. I feel helpless, not knowing what I should do, and I wish something up there would just guide me the right way.

Being worried I will get distracted again, I jotted everything that I think is impt for me to remember just in case I forget it again. And because I was taught something very very useful by the doctor today, I must try never to ever forget it as it'll be essential to apply it during my clinical exams. I jotted it down too. The doctor was looking at what I was scribbling in my foolscap, so I was a bit tensed when I was doing so. I wonder what was going through his head.

I must stop dreaming from now. I must get my concentration back.

(Where is my confidence? Where is the 'nothing daunts me' attitude I used to have? I'm worried...and scared.....afraid of history repeating itself...I can't afford it this time round. I really need to wake up from it all.)

Deep in thoughts...

Yesterday was different from my other days this week.

There was the studying part, and also a whole loads of updates from an old friend, and I revealed how I felt about some stuffs to another friend. It made me realised how much I have changed over the years...

My Sec 4 classmates had a gathering yesterday, and Ruoying told me all about it. They met up with Miss Peh, a teacher I respect and salute to. She's always been a strong lady and definitely a great example to all. She was diagnosed with cancer and unfortunately, the medical therapy didn't have an effect on her. I remember visiting her once in CGH when I was in TJC. She looked tired and weak, but was pleased having us around visiting her. She never pulled herself away from anyone in fear of being inferior. She never turned antisocial. Despite her misfortune, she still fights to keep herself alive and going. I'm glad to know that my ex-classmates got to see her again. I wish I was there at the gathering too..but too bad, I'm stuck here in UK.

Ruoying told me so much about how our sec sch teachers were. Several of them are suffering frm pretty major illnesses and it was really sad to hear about what happened. There are so many changes in everything. My ex-classmates are either at work, graduating from uni, married, became mothers etc. It's good to know that almost everyone's well. It just felt like as if it was yesterday we were still sitting in the same places right in the Sec 4/2 classroom, making helluva noise, copying homework, cheering our hearts out when we beat the other sec 4 classes in our overall grades, playing games together, singing songs together, changing into PE attire etc. Those were the days. Everyone was still considered innocent, naive, full of happiness.

Things will never be the same again. Long gone were those days, and never will I get it back. I'm sure my old classmates agree with me on that. My sec sch days were the best in my life. I miss every single bit of it. It was just an ordinary school I despised when I first got in, but I came out with a totally changed opinion. Bedok View Secondary School will always hold a strong place in my heart eternally. If only we had digital cams then, I'm sure I'll wanna take lots and lots of photos with my classmates. I miss them so so much.

Chatted online with a JC schmate who have stayed as my guardian angel since JC2. Even though I dun need any, he's always around somewhere, somehow.

It's really funny when he told me I'm not a cactus, but a touch-me-not. He told me why and yup, I guess I will have to agree with what he said.

I asked him how I was like when I was in JC. I know I am no longer the old TJC girl he first knew, but I cannot remember how I was like during then anymore. Sometimes, when I look into the mirror at myself for a few minutes, I do actually ask myself, "What is happening to you, Michelle? Where have u been?"

It got me stunned for a moment when he asked me what have become of me and what changed me. Tears rolled down my cheeks when he asked me...exactly the same reaction whenever I ask myself the same question. He told me I was full of zest, ever-ready to fight, ever-ready to take up any challenges, and he can just feel the childhood in me slowly moving on to adulthood. But he can't feel the zest I had during those years now. I can sense his disappointment when he told me that.

Then it led on to the topic about my independent nature. I was pleased to release all my thoughts about this. Independence...isn't something I had since birth. My parents are pretty protective over me. They never left me alone to fight for my own survival. But through the years of growing up, I realise that nothing is permanent. Only changes are. I know for a fact that ultimately, one fine day, I will have to rely on only myself. Ppl might beg to differ and say I can rely on my husband in future, my friends etc. Yes, I can rely on them for support, but can I rely on them all the time for life? Not trying to sound pessimistic, but can anyone guarantee me 100% that he/she will be alive the next day? If my source of reliance leaves me the next minute, what should I do? Anything can happen within the next minute. Life's unpredictable no? No one's obligated to anyone (except to your parents of cos..). The only person who is guaranteed to never leave u for good is only yourself. The eternal source of reliance from the moment u take your first breath and your last is yourself...no one else.

He had a debate with me over this. He said I was being pessimistic about it, and why would someone think about ppl ard u dying the next minute. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being realistic. People do know that life's unpredictable, but why r they not willing to think then? I personally think they're afraid to think, and hence, convincing themselves with the mindset that it's pessimistic to do so...and then cast it aside.

My greatest fear in life isn't about not becoming a doctor. It's losing my parents and my brother. What will become of me if they leave me one day? If I can't be independent, losing them will a blow I will never recover from because I will die without them...just like a plant without water. I can't rely on my relatives because of certain reasons. What should I do? Should I just sit in the corner and wait to die, or should I give it a good cry and then get up on my feet all over again? If I have to get myself prepared should a day like that ever happen, why not do it now?

"Why now? Why not wait till then?" might be the question ppl might ask next. Reason is because I can still make changes to my life to allow myself a greater chance to survive. But if I were to do it at a much later age, I can't really make as much changes for a higher survival chance as I can now.

If I can train myself to be independent now, I will be more adapted and not thrown into a state of shock when I'm left to survive alone and then having to cope with 2 sources of mental and emotional stress full blown at one go.

Unfortunately, no one ever asked or wanted to know why I chose to be independent. Trust me, it isn't easy to be. It takes guts to face reality and to accept that reality's cruel and harsh.

If people were to ask me "Michelle, do u like being independent?", my answer will be "No" without hesitation. I became independent not because I want to be, but because I HAVE to be. If I didn't have to be, I would be most willing to rely on ppl to do stuffs for me, so that :

1. I will never have to worry abt being left alone since ppl will noe I'll die without them ard and might feel guilty if I really die when they abandon me.

2. Save time since I don't have to do anything but sit there and be "served".

If I'm so dependent, I will be living a life with no achievements, no worries and troubles because I know that people will get things done for me. Hassle free. That sounds really good isn't it? Why would I wanna resist it?

And u know what? Somehow I think...independence is somewhat related to being opinionated*. Hahha..just a sudden thought. They seem to be associated with each other because how can a person be independent if he/she doesn't have opinions about things and hence, not able to make decisions by himself/herself?

Aiyah..but anyway...I think I'm not as independent as I look lah, despite being better than a lot of ppl (esp girls) out there already. Guys reading this might probably wanna give me a scolding and say "You wanna be left on the shelf ah? You still wanna be even more independent?! You'll make us guys feel that we're redundant!"*

Oh well...if u actually try to understand why I have to be, u'll probably not say that. And if there are guys who think their presence to me is redundant, then they r very very wrong...haha..*

*For overly sensitive beings, this is typed purely as a thought with no 2nd meaning

Odd thoughts

I feel like a cactus with thorns. Sat down and thought, and the cactus describes me perfectly.

I shall not say why. I shall not say much about anything anymore. I have been more friendly than usual, I have been blogging almost everyday, I have been reporting my moves. There is nothing wrong with that, but I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable to some extent cos...cos...why? Why do I have to talk SO much? Why do I have to report my whereabouts? Why am I still keeping this blog ( I have been having thoughts of shutting this whole blog down once and for all again..)?

I'm turning Icy again am I..?

Bah! This is the consequence of slping late tonight......rubbish thoughts I've got... I'll be fine soon.

Girls just need that boost

Looks like it's not just guys who gets the ego boost when they look fit after their hours of effort put into gym for like dunno how long. Girls need it too don't they?

At least I think I do...haha

Was just being so sianz while studying, I started surfing to look at the contestants of Miss Singapore Universe 2005. So what do I think of them? Ok, I shall be HONEST. *Clears throat*....they are tall...most of them standing at giraffe height of above 1.7m. Enuff said. Hhaha..no lah..they're fine. Yah, that's the most I can say. That's the TRUTH ok. I'm not saying that cos I'm jealous. Hey, and the surprise is...my ballet classmate is in it!!!! Goodness me!

What's with this thing with ballerinas huh? How come they're always joining some beauty pageant? Apparently, she's not the first. One of my ballet classmates won some Ford Supermodels of the World contest, another got like dunno wat for some dunno wat modelling contest as well, and now another in MSU.

I had a read through her biodata and found out that she actually passed Grade 8 and Elementary for ballet. Yes, I am shocked! She's a nice girl, quiet and all. But I didn't recall her being good at ballet. I used to be partners with her, and my ballet teacher used to throw her out of class, and got so pissed with her that she never bothered to give her much attention even before our RAD exams. I wonder what happened after I left...

But anyway, after knowing that my ex-classmates have all passed Grade 8 or even gone further to pursue their dreams in Dance makes me so envious. What would have happened if I gave up JC and Medicine for it? Let me be mean for a while...hahaha...if that classmate of mine can go that far for ballet with her kind of standard, I'm DEAD sure I can go even further. Afterall, my teacher did ask me to do the "pointe" exams before anyone in my class did during then, but I didn't!!!!! BAH!!!! All because I was worried I couldn't cope with ABRSM exams, 2 RAD exams, Nutcracker Audition, Ballet competition and O levels all at the same time. Kinda regret manz...I should have just made myself go ahead and ignore my Mum's comments. I'm sure I would have excelled in all that time. I always thought I'm a wonderwoman at that age..and proven that I was too.. Enuff bragging from me :)

I was sitting down wondering how come I'm not tall. I shall admit that joining beauty pageants was one of my childhood dreams (dun puke)..muahahaha. It just looks fun no? Tiring, but FUN! You get people to doll u up and make you look fabulous...even if you are fugly, after being dolled up...you won't look as fugly as you usually would. Plus, you get a lot of freebies...like free make up consultations since u can bomb the make up artists with your never-ending beauty questions, free skin-care consultants (again from the make up artists), free hairdo (u cant ever look THAT shitty since they've gotto make sure u look ur best on stage..hopefully u do lah that is..), free clothes to parade ard with, and probably wateva freebies u can get from sponsers. If you win, cash comes in too and maybe more freebies in future. I know I'm sounding like some cheapskate freak, but hey..why reject since it's willingly given to u and no strings attached as well (for some)?

IF ONLY I WERE TALL, SEXY, AND WITH A PRETTY FACE WITH THE BRAINS, I WILL GO AND JOIN MSU EVEN IF IT'S THE CRAPPIEST BEAUTY PAGEANT AROUND. You might even catch me in Star Search, Sg Idol (pui..no way..I'll get thrown out even if I had the figure, height, face and brains since my singing is quite terrible), Ford Supermodel, and in wateva beauty pageants available. Of cos, that's if I don't win any lah..then I'll keep joining again and again...just to prove how self-obsessed I am and desperate to win. The last point was just a joke. But the participation in beauty pageant is for real.

Mum used to tell me when I was young that she'll doll me up and make me pretty, so that I can go join University Pageants and become the Queen. Mum's a chiobu when she's young, and obsessed with her looks and dressing, so naturally people would expect her to groom her little girl up, but unfortunately NOT. She's always saying "Make up is BAD for u", "Modelling is BAD!", "Beauty pageants are for vain pots", "Don't waste time on pageants lah..studies come first!" etc etc. Sigh...take a look at me...*shakes head*...

And thanks to the bad genes I've got, I'm "blessed" with short legs, miserable height of 156cm, fugly face, and not-so-good brains...basically everything that will get me thrown out or not even meeting the criteria of joining any contest. Imagine even in a small island like Singapore where the girls are of typical Asian height, I'm still too short to join MSU (the min. height's 165cm)...how pathetic can this ever get?

SO...instead of whining about my physique and end up wishing I was this and that, I shall make do with what I've got, and make myself less fuglier. Here's the to-do-list:

1. Eat more for a rounder face..aiming to put on 5-6 kg..
2. Rid the marks left by previous pimples on my face..especially the one on the left cheek!
3. Healthy diet (I'll try my best) for healthy hair..
4. Hair treatment (if I can afford it in UK)
5. Skin care for a better complexion
6. Drink more water cos it's said to be beneficial for the skin
7. Take my vitamins and minerals faithfully for a healthy overall

I'm not expecting great results though...but I'll still give it a shot. I just need some confidence boost....hahahaa...

OH...I took some freebies today during placement. The drug rep came around to the hospital today to introduce some new drugs. I just love them cos whenever they're around, they'll place freebies on the tables which we can just take. I heard that they don't like medical students much cos we're the ones who always take the most freebies when they can earn nothing from us since we're never ever gonna buy the drugs from them..but then again, they really need us around to finish up the food they cater for the doctors. It'll be such a waste to see the food end up in the bin no? Doctors r usually too busy with patients to have a decent lunch, so medical students will tend to finish up everything.

Anyway, I took 2 ballpoint pens which look pretty classy and a thermal mug! Sophie was damn funny...she was eyeing on ALL the freebies ( pens, thermal mug and the nicely-placed-in-a-case pen torch). But there were only 2 torches around, and she felt too pai seh if she were to take one.

We were really pleased with the thermal mug. What a wonderful freebie. I have never gotten a freebie this great. The best one before was a diary.

And the sponsered lunch was good as well, despite it being the usual sandwiches and finger foods. But there was so much going around, we had such a filling lunch and got so full that we nearly dozed off during lunch-time meeting/lecture on Infective Endocarditis. :X

On the way back, Sophie told me about her friend's date with the 36 yr old bank manager (I just got to know tt he's 36 and not 32). Her friend had a really nice time with him (the word nice sounds abit *clear throat*), but Sophie thinks that her friend's not too serious about it cos she just aiming to shag him in their next few dates. I got a shock when she told me that!!!!!! What's wrong with angmos manz?!!?!?!?

I accidentally said to her, "Doesn't it feel weird to shag someone u don't like or love?". And all Sophie did was to laugh and say with a cheeky smile, "It depends..". Wah liew...that sounded so erm...!!!!!!!! I think she must be thinking I'm some freak for saying that. *blush*

Angmos are scary. You never know if the opposite sex is going out with u because he/she is interested in u or just wanting to shag. But I'm sure there are REALLY decent ones around and believes in only sex after marriage. At least I think there r decent ones in my batch. Then again, I never know...zhi ren zhi mian bu zhi xin...hahahaa...not my biz also lah...

(And how I wish that sickening woman staying downstairs will stop screaming at the top of her voice for my housemate...her screams can wake the dead up from their grave...I feel like flushing her down my disgusting toilet bowl now...)

Tuesday's Placement

Not too bad, except that I was extremely tired...much much worse than yesterday.

It was a good thing Dr Prem had to go off to do some dunno what stuff in the noon time, and since there was a staff shortage today, his poor busy Clinical Fellow will not be able to spend time with us to give tutorials. So since I was tooooooo tired to do anything more, Sophie and I decided it'll be best for us to shoo off back home to either study or sleep.

And that was what I did. Caught the train with her, and I dozed off straight after lunch for about 4 hrs..sheesh. I got up several times because I was going '15 mins more....10 mins more....' etc etc and before I knew it, it was 5pm!

Was still feeling tired, but had to get some studying done. Went off to revise all about the adrenal glands and steroid hormone-related diseases, as well as calcium metabolism and related diseases too. Feels damn good now cos I learnt something today! I did learn it last year, but forgot most of it already and it's great refreshing my bad bad memory.

Had a quick flip through about Lithium toxicity and about adverse effects on abrupt withdrawal of steroid treatment. Very interesting indeed *nods head*

Hmm..I'm actually kinda surprised at how awake I was when I was on the ward rounds. Felt like as if I had some energy boost during the morning. I was still sleepy when I reached the hospital, and was almost gonna KO anytime once Dr Prem left. Is that due to motivation? Anyway, I did learn quite a lot on the ward rounds today, and it's great to know that there are quite a number of cardiac cases in the wards. I'm gonna make sure I take 2 histories at least tomorrow from those patients. Will be good to practise CVS examination on them. :)

Plus, because the Yr 3 Medics are in for lectures tmr, Sophie and I won't have to worry about people "snatching" patients from us to take histories from! And also..there's lunch-time teaching about Endocarditis by Dr Basu tmr too. Yay!!! Hope it'll be interesting, and because it's lunch-time teaching, there'll be free food!!! I wonder what the drug reps will bring in for our lunch tmr....hehe....it better be good.. :)

Am so glad that I'm all done for the day before midnight. Shall go to bed after this, and hope I'l wake up feeling fresh. Can wake up slightly later tmr cos I'm getting a lift from Sophie...oh boy..she's nice manz...can't believe that she actually offered to pick me up from my place (Sophie lives like 45 mins walk away from my place) and send me back after placement for the next following weeks. I really owe her one manz.

To the Wards

After a long 6 mth break, I'm finally back at school again. It was my first day of placement for revision clinical competence.

The day didn't start the way I wanted it to because I was feeling extremely tired and perhaps could have got grouchy this morning, which fortunately, I didn't. Told myself it's the first day, and I should be all smiles since I'll be welcomed by nice ppl up in Caerphilly, so I dragged myself up with a morning sigh (haha..), gave myself a smile in the mirror and happily went to get ready to go to hospital.

It was a horrible night last night. I couldn't sleep at all even though I was yawning the whole night through. Thoughts were running through my head randomly and it was utterly stupid cos they're rubbish..not worth losing my sleep over. Hence, I got quite irritated as I was trying to get it out of my mind. And before I knew it, the alarm rang...BAH!

Took the train, walked down this long straight lane which leads to the hospital..and then suddenly, I remembered that I forgot to bring my stethoscope!!!!! WAH LIEW! Of all things....aaaahhhhh...

Anyway, my days of effort for revision did pay off. Just as expected, it was Diabetes Clinic in the morning, and oh boy, was I pleased that I could answer some of the questions lovely Dr Prem asked! :) At least I didn't feel stupid for once. Plus, despite being tired, I managed to keep awake throughout clinic, and was paying full attention too. Was pretty enthusiastic in gaining knowledge. I hope I'll stay that way for the next 2 mths or so at least.

Lunch was bad..yucks. I had cauliflower cheese with chips. It was the best choice among the worst. The other options were lamb hotpot or faggots (of all things, why faggots?!). Even my Welsh friend who's my partner for the attachment found it disgusting. And I paid £2.50 for the disgusting food. Why can't they have a nicer menu? I'm so tempted to bring in packed lunch, but that'll mean I have to cook more often..which is something I won't make myself do unless I really can't stand the food anymore. Had a nice time chatting with my partner (Sophie), and with the 3rd year medics. They're quite nice, but Sophie didn't fancy them much cos they don't seem to know much abt the med sch activities (yeah..it's those stripping activities and drinking type). Gosh, does that mean she doesn't like me too since I have absolutely no idea about those stuffs...it's just not me. Imagine going to a strip show featuring ur own coursemates...yucks....what's this obsession with getting yourself naked in front of people u know and not related to in the intimate way manz...and worse..in front of lecturers..

Because I forgot to bring my stethoscope, I kinda got a bit sianz when I was asked to clerk patients in the wards. I just feel uncomfortable borrowing other's stethoscope. Had to do it though, cos Dr Prem wants Sophie and I to each present patients to him tomorrow. History taking went ok, although I still referred to my little notebook to see what I've missed out. Reckon I'll be fine with more practice. Physical examination got a little screwed. I think I did look for everything that was required, but the way I carried them out were disorganised. I'll have to work harder on that since it's what I'll be tested on in May.

I'm dead tired by the time I got home. Must have been last night..sigh. I did my history write up for presentation tmr, checked out the drugs my patient was taking, and couldn't do anymore. My eyes were closing anytime.

Had my dinner, and tried studying for a bit, which lasted only 1 hr before I gave up and crashed into my bed. I couldnt get to sleep cos of the music playing on my comp, but I was simply too tired to even get up to turn down the volume. Closed my eyes for 45 mins, and I was still tired!!! AIYO!

I thought everything would be fine after washing my face, but nope. I managed to open up my books to look up on Deep Vein Thrombosis and Vasculitis. DVT was fine, but Vasculitis is a pain to study. I had no idea what it's all about despite reading it months back (I had no idea what it was during then too...hahahaha), plus my tiredness didn't make things better. I guess my brain's just totally switched off already, and I shall leave everything to tomorrow. At least I got the history all written out and I should know what I'm gonna talk abt in the wards to Dr Prem.

Hope I'll be able to sleep well tonight and get up all refreshed. I shall be more hardworking in the wards tmr..more clerking, more physical examinations, and more studying! I'm so excited...(it's not meant to be sarcastic..).

Oh oh...and and and...more gossiping with Sophie..hahah...she's gonna tell me all about her friend's date with a 32 yr old bank manager..sheesh. She just talks so much about everything, and it's just spending with her that I hear so much gossips about ppl in my course...like who's dating who, who's desperate and is still desperate, who's got medical big shots as parents, who's a freak, who's cute looking, who's a bitch, who's the wanna-be-rugger, who's the suave rugger, which batch has got the most number of pretty babes or hunks...GOSH..... Girls are just girls isn't it? *grinz*

The 4 Reasons

Warning: Sensitive issue...

It might cause some people to get very worked up over this entry, but my blog's not just for me to update ppl on my recent happenings (that's IF anyone wants to noe lah..), but also for me to just let off some steam.

Blogs do make wonders for me at times. If I feel bottled up, I just type what I want, and if others don't like what they're reading, don't bother coming in to read. I never like writing diaries before despite having a few when I was younger, because..I don't like ppl to know what I'm thinking (just in case they were to open it up to read)

However, I realise that by writing, I feel better letting go my thoughts for a while. It gives me space to organise my thoughts, to seek others' opinions, to "talk" since I don't have anyone whom I feel extremely comfortable to talk to about everything. The sad fact is..parents, who are supposed to be the closest to me, are the ones I can't talk to abt everything as well, for I fear that I will get them worried and sad. I don't wish to hurt them.

Anyway, before I go on to the sensitive issue, just wanna say that I've got permission to apply for that accomodation in the City Centre. Told my parents all about it last night and Dad wanted me to go get the more expensive unit because of the bay's view. I wasn't for the idea of paying £40 more per mth because of the view. It's not that important. Haha..Dad's the sort who will pay more for view. It's typically him I suppose. Mum was a greater joker. She told me to tell the guy in charge of the property that it'll be best if my future flatmates can be Asians. Mum doesn't like the idea of having Angmos, Indians, Africans etc in the same flat as me. I never knew my mum was racist despite mentioning before that if preferably, I don't end up getting a angmo hubby after going to UK. Although I would prefer Asians, but how am I gonna dare open my mouth and go, "Can u make sure my flatmates are ALL Asians pls?" I'm not gonna say it of course..no way..

Also..Dad and her started bombing me with questions about Notts and Jon. It was a hard time for me since I had to pretend like as if I am bo chup abt it when I'm actually hurt. "Is he handsome?", "Are u 2 still interested in each other?", "How's the progress?", "Had fun in Notts?", "How's his personality like?" were some of the questions they asked. Mum was the most excited one, and Dad said Mum's so interested cos she can't wait to marry me off *rolls eyes*. For the first time, Dad seemed interested to find out more abt Jon too despite him still insisting that I should NEVER get married if possible since rship is a pain to begin with.

I answered their questions one by one. I also tried to make it sound like as if we were never more than friends, and will never be too. My parents know I am interested in him, so I had to try to make them think that I'm not, and even if I did feel the slightest for him, I can easily throw it out and nothing's gonna be tooo difficult for me to handle.

I couldn't tell them we got together for 3 pathetic weeks and broke up. I couldn't tell them what got us into this. I couldn't tell them anything more apart from what they asked. I wish I could though. Yet, I didn't want to end up sobbing on the phone, which I almost did while answering their questions.

Now to the sensitive issue...

I called Jon today at the wrong time. I didn't know he was revising and abt to go to the gym. I really didn't. I just couldn't tolerate keeping everything to myself, so I mustered the courage (or rather my frustration got the better of me) and called him.

Without the intention of getting into any argument, we got into one. I wanted to know what went wrong. I wanted to know if he still likes me and what were the actual reasons for wanting to break up with me.

The reasons were:
1. I am NOT a Christian (this is of utmost importance to him)
2. I'm a da nu ren, and because he's a male chauvinist, there is no way we won't argue in future, and he just realised that he can't seem to compromise to anything.
3. I told him to Fuck Off when I was very upset after an argument with him (to him, it's unforgivable even though I said it after we broke up)
4. I opened up and read the MSN history of his conversation with his ex (again, it's unforgivable..and this mistake was done after we broke up too)

"You are NOT a Christian". That was it. The simplest reason. And suddenly, it made everything looked as if my falling for a Christian and agreeing to be a Christian's gf was the biggest mistake I have made in my entire 23 yrs.

You ask, "Michelle, didn't he know that u're not a christian before u 2 got together? If he knew, why did he ask u to be his gf in the 1st place?". Don't worry, if u're asking that, u're not the only one who is wondering abt this. Cos I am. Apparently, I think he only finds it a problem (yes, and it's ONLY him) after being with me.

So because I'm NOT a Christian, even if I'm a total angel (unfortunately I'm not), I will still be different BECAUSE I am NOT a Christian.

With such a thinking, can Christians blame Non-Christians for being hostile towards their religion? Can Non-Christians then point their fingers back at Christians and say that they are hostile towards other religions too, hence it's fair for them to not wanna believe in Christianity?

Even if Christians think that Buddhism and Taoism has got "loop holes" in their religion, does it mean that Buddhists and Taoists are all abnormal that they should be seen differently? Apart from worshipping other gods, in what way are we different? Don't we get along fine? Don't we have two eyes, nose, mouth, and a body with limbs? Don't we all have feelings and a brain to think?

Just like what Jon claimed, Christians cannot tolerate any other religion and the only way to reach God is only through Jesus and nothing else. And from what I read from the Net about Christianity, those who don't believe in Christ will be punished by God. And probably some non-christians who have met brain-washers will have heard them telling u that if u don't believe in Christ, you will be be burnt in Hell (Guanting experienced this). Jon said that Christianity is a "jealous" religion. Then may I ask...why is God jealous of me? He doesn't have to be, because Jon is so devoted to him, so much so that he's willing to give everything up for Him. I'm just a helpless girl who is a non-christian because I was borned to a non-christian family. I go to the temple since young, pray to the gods in the temple, hold the joss sticks to pray, in hope that I will be blessed and my dreams will be come true. I pray for a peace of mind like Christians, just not to Jesus. If I was made by God, then if he didn't like me being a non-christian and if he knew that I would not be accepted in his eyes for not being Christian, why did He give me non-christian parents then? If my parents were Christians and I was made to go to church and Sunday School since young and made to believe that only He exists, hence worshipping Him, I would be a christian too. Why, when I can accept his followers without wanting to rule over them or pulling him away from Him, does He have to make me miserable? What have I done to offend Him? Just because I was not taught to read the Bible, I was not taught to be convinced that He exists, I was not told to remember that I was made by Him (which is what Christians claim) and cos I was not reminded since the day I was borned that Jesus died for me, I should go through all this? He is already so powerful. He already has got the power to control billions of peoples' minds. He already made them love Him with all their heart, so much that they probably love Him more than their own parents. He has got everything and has the ability to destroy anyone who is against him...why does He want to torture me this way? I am a powerless human, and there is no way I can go against Him...He knows it no? Then why is He jealous of me being in love with one of his followers?

In the Old Testament, God said He took out a rib from a Man and used it to make a Woman so that the Man will not be lonely. Christians are said to have to marry a Christian. Think about this:
Christians claim that humans are made by Him.
God made Linda from John's rib.
Linda was borned to a non-christian family, and does not worship Jesus.
John was borned to a christian family, and hence, worships Jesus.

If God made Linda for John, and since God Himself said that Christians should only marry Christians, then why did He make Linda and put her in a non-christian family when God knows that Linda can never be with John? If God knew that Linda would have to go through all the religion problems, and if God loves everyone, why did He make her to hurt her?

And IF it's true that the woman made out of the man's rib will be the woman he will marry, can I assume that non-christians are not made by Him, with the fact that Christians MUST marry Christians? And if my assumption is right, then why should non-christians believe that He gave them life and that they should worship Him and no other?

When I was in a Methodist Kindergarten (why did my parents send me there and make me say Amen there), my teachers told me Jesus loves everyone..He loves me. I wasn't a Christian, and I was too young to know why I had to thank Him for my food, and why I had to say Amen. I just did what I was told, because everyone's doing it, and as an obedient student, that was what I had to do. I walked in and out of the chapel, prayed like the rest, but I never knew why. I know that my teachers are not in that Kindergarten anymore, but if I can, I will want to meet them and ask them why did they take me in when they knew I was a non-christian, why did they have to give me education like the rest, let me live my life like the rest, tell me Jesus loves me when they know for a fact that Jesus doesn't! Didn't they know that I'm a non-christian, hence, a sinner who will be burnt in Hell in future?

I went to read up websites on Christianity just now. This was what I read. It can't be fake since it was written by a Christian.

"We can see the consequences of Solomon's marrying pagan women and allowing them to have influence over his spiritual activities. 1 Kings 11:1-13 records, " . . . And his wives turned his heart after other gods; and his heart was not loyal to the Lord his God . . . " Because of Solomon's unwise actions God turned his face away from him and took half the kingdom from his son. Deuteronomy 7:1-4 tells us, "Nor shall you make marriages with them [the unbelievers]. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor their daughters for your son. For they will turn your sons away from following Me, to serve other gods; so the anger of the Lord will be aroused against you and destroy you suddenly." If Solomon had only obeyed the voice of God how different Israel's history might have been. For after him rose up many kings who followed his example and married heathen women who, in turn, taught their children to worship their pagan gods. When the children became kings they encouraged their subjects to do the same. Thus, the nation suffered the consequences of their disobedience as God allowed nations to capture them for their idolatry and unbelief. "

Do I fear Him now that I have read this? I do. I fear Him because I must have offended Him for saying what I said earlier. I fear Him cos if He does exist, I will be burnt in Hell. I fear Him because I never intended to offend him with my own thoughts. I fear Him cos He doesn't love me, and will not hesitate to punish me severely cos I am already a sinner to Him since birth and an even greater one now.

And being a Buddhist and Taoist, I fear my gods too. I fear because I admitted the fact that I didn't know why of all Gods, I pray to them for safety. If the gods I pray to exist, then they will punish me severely for questioning their existence, questioning my religion. They will punish me for checking up Christianity, reading a bible and trying to understand it because of a guy. I told Mum I didn't know why I was a Buddhist and Taoist, and she told me by saying that, I have offended the gods. You might think I'm insane, but I have got a feeling that the gods I worship are aware of the religion problem I'm facing because Dad went to draw a lot for me in the temple recently, and the lot said "blah blah blah...but you must vow to god". When Dad told me this, I felt worse.

Because of this, I am in a total loss now. I have no direction, and if the Buddhist gods, Taoist gods and Him took offence for the things I did or say, then they will all turn their back against me and make sure I pay a heavy price for my actions. Doesn't that make me a big sinner both ways now?

I hope I can find a direction. I feel very alone and not knowing what to do now. I feel stuck at a junction, not knowing if I should turn right, left or go straight. I want to pray to Jesus and ask him to answer all the questions which I have and ask him not to hate me for not being a non-christian. I also want to pray to Buddha and Goddess of Mercy to ask them if they can forgive me for what I have said and done.

Does anyone know how it feels being in my shoes..?

I know I don't feel good

I'm supposed to be a happy girl today because I went to get 2 very important stuffs sorted. That's my accomodation and academic issues.

I went to see the showflat of the place I'm hoping to move into. It's a better place than Allensbank House. It's called a new high-rise student accomodation right smack in the City Centre. The building will be 22 storeys high, but because the project is still under construction, only the first 13 storeys is ready for people to move in before the next academic year. I went down to get the application form, get the necessary info I need, and I'm gonna tell my parents about it later. If they approve of it, I'm just gonna settle on this place. I love it so so much because it's high rise (I can get nice view..unfortunately only of the city since I don't want to pay additional to overlook the Cardiff Bay), in the City Centre, near to all train and bus stations, close to supermarkets and shops (duh..it's the City!), multi-storey carpark in the premises (if I buy a car one day, I wont have to worry tooooo much abt parking), price is reasonable for an ensuite single room, security facilities, and most importantly, it's BRAND NEW!

The guy I met who is in charge of this property is very nice too. He was so kind to explain everything so clearly and patiently to me, reserve the best unit for me, help me find solutions to my storage problems, and even said he can speak to his manager abt letting me leave my stuffs in the same room during my next summer vacation for free! Plus, before I left, he even helped me check out for storage companies and gave me two lollie pops (ok, the lollie pops isnt the point).

And I also made a new friend today while waiting for Miss Sweetland to sort out my placement arrangement. This girl was in my batch and she's in the same situation as me, hence, we'll be doing the same placements. I have seen her ard for the past 3 years, and always thought that she's a stuck up girl, but apparently, she isn't! She was friendly after I took the initiative to talk to her. In fact, we actually chatted for like 30 mins almost continuously. Quite an achievement for me since I don't usually talk much to Brits.

With all these things kinda settled, like I mentioned, I should be happy...very happy. But I'm not feeling as happy as how I thought I would be.

I didn't slp well last night. It felt as if I didn't sleep at all. I kept waking up, tossing and turning and feeling very disturbed by thoughts. I tried to cast them aside, but somehow, it seemed to be bugging me throughout.

Honestly speaking, I'm not really in my best mood yesterday evening and tonight. I feel...alone, and was hoping someone would show some care and concern towards me. I tried to distract myself by going to the kitchen to talk to my housemates, but each time I went back to my room, the feeling came back. I feel really lonely...and I wish I can just tell someone I'm feeling that way...anyone..just anyone who's willing to show some care towards me..

I thought studying would be the best solution to reduce the loneliness in me, but I was wrong. It didn't really help. No doubt I managed to do some revision, I know something's lacking..something's different. I don't know how to describe it.

Since last night, each time my speakers gave the 'radiation' sound, I would get excited. I thought there will be smses or calls for me, and would turn to look at my hps..to see if it will ring or beep. None at all, and disappointment resulted.

I wish..I can just call someone and ask him if he can talk to me, spend some time with me. This sounds crazy, but I miss him a lot. I shouldnt be feeling this way isn't it? I'll be bringing more hurt to myself no?

Like what Clayton said, is face that important? If I want to call, I can just pick up the phone and call. Why am I refusing to do it? It's not about face. I'm just afraid...I'm afraid of being a nuisance, a pest. He said he wants time to think. Despite being drastically disappointed and hurt, I know he had his reasons for saying that. I don't know the exact reasons, but I trust that he didn't mean to hurt me and he had valid reasons for wanting time to think. Yet at the same time, I don't deny wondering if he still likes me. Somehow, I can't feel it at all...not anymore. I wish I have a way of deceiving myself. However, what happened after I came back to UK seem to make me feel that my fear's coming true..or has it already came true?

I am still trying to rational about it, keep calm so that I won't make the situation worse to my best ability and most importantly, I won't bring additional pressure to him and hurt him. However, it's definitely not easy. It's bottling up. I need to let it out.

At times, I have a strong urge to just let it all out, say this straight into his face directly..

"I'm tremendously hurt and jealous. It's so painful and I can't even show it to you. I feel very used, betrayed and cheated. If I knew this would have happened, I would have never agreed to be with you in the 1st place and reject u with the excuse that u're a Christian, yet the contradicting fact is that I did not regret.

I always have to remind myself that I'm 23 tis yr, and hence, I should try to be as mature as I can, and it's tiring at times. I'm an ordinary girl, with feelings like any other females. I also have my unreasonable side which I cannot show. I can't demand even if I want to, cos of you. I can't be jealous even though I am, cos of you. Each time I feel pissed, I have to remind myself and force myself to cool down fast, cos of you. I can't throw trantrums for no reason like other girls do to their bf, cos of you. I can't be possessive at all, cos of you.

Yes, I cried a few times in front of you. I'm a crybaby like u said, but did I have a valid reason to cry? I had. I cried because it's freaking painful. I didn't cry because crying's my hobby or because I was having PMS mood swings. If I had a choice, I would never want u to see me crying because I'm hurt or sad, but because I'm touched or overjoyed.

When I was in Singapore, I was online all the time...why? Cos of you! I stayed there because I waited for u. I watched the sun rise every night cos of you. I didn't wait for just an hr each day. I waited frm dawn to dusk, just for you. I went hunting for hrs to give u a surprise present in hope to make u happy. I went hunting high and low in a place I've never been before, again, to give u another surprise.

Do you know how tiring everything can get on me? But I pushed on..because I wanted to do it for u, for us! I said I want to make it work, and I'm trying very hard. Hence, I never complaint once at all, despite mentioning to u that I'm broke after buying ur present. When u felt insecure and I felt that maybe u think I'm not being good enuff, I was disappointed and sat down for hours to think of ways of how to treat u better. I'm willing to do anything just as long as we'll be happy, and because I trusted u entirely that u're true to me and love me, I felt that it was all worth it.

I didn't leave Notts when I know the cruel things u told me, because I didn't want others to know that we're having problems and I didn't want to embarrass u in front of your friends by packing up and go without a sound. I had all my feelings bottled up in me for one entire week, and never did I mention it to anyone in Notts for the same reason. Why won't you just give me a hug when I cried badly in your room? Why didn't u come after me when I got so mad I just walked out of your room for fresh air? Because you think I'm rational enuff to handle this? Did you know that all I wanted was you to just give me a hug and look straight into my eyes and tell me I hold a special place in your heart?

I'm not that 'li zhi' as you claim...and trying to be more 'li zhi' now is bringing me down. Yet, what can I do about it? Can I demand anything from u? Can I just lose myself for a while? Can I?

Why..why did u choose me to hurt, of all people? Why did u let me go? Have u read the V day card? Am I wrong by saying that I think u've forgotten that the card even existed? What I wrote in there was from right deep down. I said if I ever come to a split junction, just hold my hand and pull me away to where u think is best..no matter how lost or confused I am, just don't ever let me go. But why..of all times, u had to let me go when I'm happy and thought I have found my happiness again? Have I not proven myself ? Do you know how helpless and lost I am currently? Just your 'I can't generate the same feel I had with her towards u' shattered everything for me. I had more than sufficient reasons to say 'I hate you' and no one would dare to say I'm wrong if I were to slap u, but I can't bring myself to hate u at all..and no way will I use violence on u...even if I could, I can't bring myself to do it too.

I know you're a male chauvinist. You cannot accept it if a girl beats u in anything, and you feel that a girl should rely on a guy. But remember what u said abt compromising when we got together? Where did that go to? I gave up my pride by even bothering to stay in Notts for one whole week when I am sure some of your friends knew that we broke up once I got to Notts, which is extremely embarrassing for me and not for u. If I can make such sacrifices for u, why is it that u can't make any for me? Am I unreasonable by asking u to give in a little to me? Am I unreasonable to ask for u to lower ur pride and ego a little for me?"

I admit I lost my cool a few times on him, but I really can't tolerate it anymore. If I could tolerate it, I wouldn't have spoken to him louder than usual.

That day when I had dinner with Fatimah, I told her that I'm not that independent..but more independent than his ex gf at least (I think). I told her my independence made him feel as if I was challenging his competency, which was never my intention. I told her that I feel that his ex gf will die without him, and I will still be able to get through each day without him being around me physically.

It's a fact. I will be able to get through, but that doesn't mean I don't need him around. I need him ard. I want him to be ard. I want to rely on him. I want him to take care of me. I want him to help me make the best decisions for my life. I want to build a home with him in UK or in Singapore,whichever he prefers (I'm willing to compromise. I'm willing to stay in UK for good if he hates Sg so much). I don't want to do things alone anymore.

It pains me so much when I know he's going back to Singapore for Easter. I want to ask him to stay, but I know he must be dying to go home and probably because the ticket has an expiry date...besides..why would he stay in UK for me? He's not obligated to spend time with me anymore. We're not together anymore no? I didn't dare open my mouth to even say "Can u stay for me pls..?" the 2nd time. And that excitement and smile on his face makes me feel worse. I know for a fact that he would rather go home than to be with me, so I never asked again.

I don't know if he reads my blog everyday like he used to do. Probably not since he's busy catching up with his sch work. Even if he does...can he feel what I'm feeling now? I hope he becomes sensitive at least this once..