Spring Cleaning

Since it's spring in UK, I shall do some cleaning. Spring Cleaning as they call it mahz..note the word "Spring". So..cleaning shouldn't be done in any other season right? Nahz..I was juz trying to take the piss out of u. :)

That was exactly what I did today. A pretty thorough spring cleaning session. Not just my room, but my mind as well.

I spent a good 4 hours plus cleaning my small room. It's freaking long, and most of the time spent was on vacuuming the carpet. It was PURE torture using a semi-jammed vacuum cleaner. It was soooooooo inefficient, that I ended up using the brush to brush up ALL the dirts and hair. I even had to use my hands to pick every bit of it up...it was super disgusting. I was so disgusted by it, and I could sense how filthy my hands are that even when my hair kept irritating my pimples-bursting face, I did not even dare to sweep it away.

Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. Went to wash my hairs, and came up with a plan to keep my hair away. Nope, it's not tying a ponytail. It's using my shower cap. Yah, sounds damn funny hor? It looked funny too. My housemate was giggling away when he saw me with my shower cap and struggling with the vacuum cleaner.

And my oh my, was I shocked to realise how much hair I've dropped!!!! Goodness!!!! If it goes on at this rate, I reckon I'll be bald by 40. No kidding. I threw a bag of hair away...yes..it's THAT bad..and mind you..it's not a very small bag.

Now my room's neater than before. It's not in the best condition, but I'm satisfied. Pretty clean too! I'm feeling really proud of myself. Oh..I took some photos of my room (after it's been cleaned), but I'm too lazy to load them now. Will do it when I am in the mood to do so.

It felt good throwing stuffs out of my house today. I didn't throw a whole load of stuffs, but I managed to get rid of some. There are still loads of rubbish around though. Reckon I will have to do a major round of spring cleaning again...that would be a MASSIVE one.

After cleaning the room, I decided to spring clean my mind as well. Sat down and thought hard for quite long. Thought through things that I have gone through over a short period of the past year. Every event went through my head...every single one.

I'm sure my friends will think I'm silly to think through because it's just gonna hurt me again. I knew it will, but I decided to face it, and put an end to it once and for all. I don't really believe in "Give yourself time to heal". I tried that many times, but it never work. You just go in circles time and time again. I decided to be harsh on myself once again.

I don't think I told anyone where I went in the afternoon on Christmas Eve last year. I shall reveal what I did that day.

I went to the temple. I had a lot in me, which couldn't be released because I have to put on a front in front of my family and friends. I needed a quiet place which will allow me to say all my inner feelings out. I needed a place where no one can listen to what I want to say, where no one can see me break down, where no one can see how I truly feel. The temple was the only place I could go.

I spent a long time kneeling in the prayer hall, saying everything that was in my mind. I cried a lot there too. I also made a promise to myself. I told myself that if I don't see Jason again till my bday, I will not allow myself to cry over him again. It wasn't about being heartless. I just can't imagine crying because of him for dunno how long more. Almost everyday for 4 months is long enuff. It was difficult cos even after then, sometimes, I could feel tears whelming up, but I manage to stop them from rolling.

Today, I shall do it once more. I shall make today the last day I will cry for any guy who used to mean something to me. I shall be harsh to myself once more, and I will make sure it will be a success once again.

I realised that they are not worthy of my tears. They are not worthy of anything at all. And most importantly, who are they to hurt me? Have they got the right to do so? Definitely NOT! Even if they have got a 1001 reasons, they still do NOT have a single right to do so. Hence, from today onwards, I shall not allow anyone to have the chance to hurt me again. I'm gonna be firm about it. And I shall not shed a drop of tear over people who do not deserve it anymore.

People who are heartless, cruel, willing to sacrifice anything and anyone because of themselves, and have eyes for no one but themselves, do NOT deserve my attention. No one under those categories shall comment that I have no feelings for anyone and anything else about me BECAUSE they have NO right to. All for a simple reason. BECAUSE they should look into the mirror and reflect on their selfish, cruel and heartless ways before saying anything about anyone.

I'll say it once again. I will NOT cry over worthless people again. Mark my words. - Period-