Demoralised

Demoralising day for me. And hence, making me really worried and insecured.

I have always thought I know my clinical examination skills pretty well, having revise the steps not only at home, but even when I'm in the train, I'll be thinking about it, imagining the steps in my head, and still doing so while walking to the hospital from the train station.

But just one teaching session with the Registrar today totally destroyed my confidence. It feels horrible, and because of that, I was very down the whole day.

Nothing is going through my head but "REVISE CARDIOVASCULAR EXAMINATION AGAIN!!!!" since lunch time. I didn't enjoy my lunch despite it being nice.

Even when I came home, dinner wasn't in my mind too. Straight after my shower, I started revising intensively. It was only when I felt hungry then did I go microwave some food to eat. I was practically stuffing myself despite being very troubled, because it made me feel better.

I got very very very frustrated while studying this evening. I surfed the net finding good sites whereby I can get to read about murmurs and heart sounds written in a simplified manner, and hopefully with audio files. Managed to find 2 good sites, but I still find it hard to really remember everything and to recognise ALL types of murmurs and heart sounds. I was almost at the verge of pulling my hair out.

I'm not sure if it's me who is being incompetent, or is it because the Registrar (having got his postgrad degree, and hence thinking that we should be as good as him in examinations) giving us too intensive a teaching session for our level. I feel really scared and worried..I'm so worried I will flop my clinical exam. Just...what is enough for me to pass and get through? No one seems to have an answer. All I hear from the junior doctors is "Go see more patients. Practise and practise..". Yup, I did that, but the thing is...it's not gonna help very much if I keep practising the way I always do, thinking it's right..and feeling happy about it..go to exam with it..and then come out realising that I did not carry out certain steps which I should have done. Sophie's quite a slack person (she's smart though..cos she remembers things quickly and don't seem to forget stuffs), and everytime I were to go do an examination on a patient with her, she will tell me she thinks I got the examination done properly. I guess only if a consultant were to tell me I did it right will I then feel secure about what I'm doing.

I had a chat with my housemate about this, and managed to get some tips, despite him not really remembering how to do it properly too.

Sigh...I'm wondering if every med student feels just as insecure as I do...or is it just me? Really worried I go into some panic attack at some stage. I hope it doesn't happen. It doesn't feel good at all.

If only someone could tell me what I should do about my clinical skills.....help me out or something.... Give me a miracle or some confidence boost...

Once again, I'm doubting my ability.....if only I can talk to someone about it...someone who knows about what I'm going through in med sch at this stage.... I'm soooo lost...