This is not the way to go, Michelle

I am absolutely screwed manz! ARGH!

This is definitely not the way to go, and I'm gonna flop if I continue getting bogged down by wateva that is going on.

I have been so distracted in hospital over the past few days and in today's communication skills training.

Thoughts would just stream in, and I will turn deaf to everything else around me, even when patients are talking, resulting in me missing out bits and pieces of information. Afterwhich, I will find difficulty answering questions asked by my consultant. It makes me feel so stupid at times. That's so terribly unprofessional on my part. Fortunately, I'm not the doctor in charge. It can get disastrous if I just start thinking of other stuffs, and neglecting info frm patients which can lead to a crucial diagnosis.

And because this can get me into trouble in future, I should do my best to change. I'm sure no patients would wanna talk to a doctor who just go "sorry..wat were u saying a while ago?". Just makes them frustrated....and I definitely don't wish to get scolded by the patients or senior doctors. In worst cases, I can get into a lawsuit because of my negligence. Huge consequences.

It happened today during clinical skills training. And I practically screwed it up. I was so distracted, I couldn't communicate properly with the patient, and I could see that the doctor-in-charge got a bit upset with my performance. I had problems remembering what the patient talked about again, and even asked the dumbest questions on earth. One example..

Doctor: Right, Michelle. You've got a few diagnoses which u can hypothesize on now. UTI, IBD, Appendicitis and Ectopic pregnancy. If I were to grant you one more question which u can ask the patient, what would it be to rule out the diagnosis of ectopic pregnancy?

Me (to patient): Mrs Brown, are u married?

Doctor: Come on, u can get pregnant without getting married... Just say "Do you think there could be a possibility that you're pregnant?"

Me (to doctor): Sorry sir..

Am I insane or what? I can't believe I asked such a question. The doctor must be thinking I'm the craziest med student ard...stupid as well.

I guess he could sense I was not concentrating today. I'm sure he did, cos I know he stared right into my eyes with a strict face on several occasions. I felt really bad and tried to cut off eye contact. I think if he had a choice, he might just snap at me, which he didn't.

I tried to get myself back on track with a few more practices he gave, and I got better. But I know it's way off my usual standard. I never got more worried, more distracted and more off standard for communication than this afternoon. I'm still feeling very guilty about the whole incident today. I wish...I wish....I'll get over everything and keep my mind focused again. I feel helpless, not knowing what I should do, and I wish something up there would just guide me the right way.

Being worried I will get distracted again, I jotted everything that I think is impt for me to remember just in case I forget it again. And because I was taught something very very useful by the doctor today, I must try never to ever forget it as it'll be essential to apply it during my clinical exams. I jotted it down too. The doctor was looking at what I was scribbling in my foolscap, so I was a bit tensed when I was doing so. I wonder what was going through his head.

I must stop dreaming from now. I must get my concentration back.

(Where is my confidence? Where is the 'nothing daunts me' attitude I used to have? I'm worried...and scared.....afraid of history repeating itself...I can't afford it this time round. I really need to wake up from it all.)