I know I don't feel good

I'm supposed to be a happy girl today because I went to get 2 very important stuffs sorted. That's my accomodation and academic issues.

I went to see the showflat of the place I'm hoping to move into. It's a better place than Allensbank House. It's called a new high-rise student accomodation right smack in the City Centre. The building will be 22 storeys high, but because the project is still under construction, only the first 13 storeys is ready for people to move in before the next academic year. I went down to get the application form, get the necessary info I need, and I'm gonna tell my parents about it later. If they approve of it, I'm just gonna settle on this place. I love it so so much because it's high rise (I can get nice view..unfortunately only of the city since I don't want to pay additional to overlook the Cardiff Bay), in the City Centre, near to all train and bus stations, close to supermarkets and shops (duh..it's the City!), multi-storey carpark in the premises (if I buy a car one day, I wont have to worry tooooo much abt parking), price is reasonable for an ensuite single room, security facilities, and most importantly, it's BRAND NEW!

The guy I met who is in charge of this property is very nice too. He was so kind to explain everything so clearly and patiently to me, reserve the best unit for me, help me find solutions to my storage problems, and even said he can speak to his manager abt letting me leave my stuffs in the same room during my next summer vacation for free! Plus, before I left, he even helped me check out for storage companies and gave me two lollie pops (ok, the lollie pops isnt the point).

And I also made a new friend today while waiting for Miss Sweetland to sort out my placement arrangement. This girl was in my batch and she's in the same situation as me, hence, we'll be doing the same placements. I have seen her ard for the past 3 years, and always thought that she's a stuck up girl, but apparently, she isn't! She was friendly after I took the initiative to talk to her. In fact, we actually chatted for like 30 mins almost continuously. Quite an achievement for me since I don't usually talk much to Brits.

With all these things kinda settled, like I mentioned, I should be happy...very happy. But I'm not feeling as happy as how I thought I would be.

I didn't slp well last night. It felt as if I didn't sleep at all. I kept waking up, tossing and turning and feeling very disturbed by thoughts. I tried to cast them aside, but somehow, it seemed to be bugging me throughout.

Honestly speaking, I'm not really in my best mood yesterday evening and tonight. I feel...alone, and was hoping someone would show some care and concern towards me. I tried to distract myself by going to the kitchen to talk to my housemates, but each time I went back to my room, the feeling came back. I feel really lonely...and I wish I can just tell someone I'm feeling that way...anyone..just anyone who's willing to show some care towards me..

I thought studying would be the best solution to reduce the loneliness in me, but I was wrong. It didn't really help. No doubt I managed to do some revision, I know something's lacking..something's different. I don't know how to describe it.

Since last night, each time my speakers gave the 'radiation' sound, I would get excited. I thought there will be smses or calls for me, and would turn to look at my hps..to see if it will ring or beep. None at all, and disappointment resulted.

I wish..I can just call someone and ask him if he can talk to me, spend some time with me. This sounds crazy, but I miss him a lot. I shouldnt be feeling this way isn't it? I'll be bringing more hurt to myself no?

Like what Clayton said, is face that important? If I want to call, I can just pick up the phone and call. Why am I refusing to do it? It's not about face. I'm just afraid...I'm afraid of being a nuisance, a pest. He said he wants time to think. Despite being drastically disappointed and hurt, I know he had his reasons for saying that. I don't know the exact reasons, but I trust that he didn't mean to hurt me and he had valid reasons for wanting time to think. Yet at the same time, I don't deny wondering if he still likes me. Somehow, I can't feel it at all...not anymore. I wish I have a way of deceiving myself. However, what happened after I came back to UK seem to make me feel that my fear's coming true..or has it already came true?

I am still trying to rational about it, keep calm so that I won't make the situation worse to my best ability and most importantly, I won't bring additional pressure to him and hurt him. However, it's definitely not easy. It's bottling up. I need to let it out.

At times, I have a strong urge to just let it all out, say this straight into his face directly..

"I'm tremendously hurt and jealous. It's so painful and I can't even show it to you. I feel very used, betrayed and cheated. If I knew this would have happened, I would have never agreed to be with you in the 1st place and reject u with the excuse that u're a Christian, yet the contradicting fact is that I did not regret.

I always have to remind myself that I'm 23 tis yr, and hence, I should try to be as mature as I can, and it's tiring at times. I'm an ordinary girl, with feelings like any other females. I also have my unreasonable side which I cannot show. I can't demand even if I want to, cos of you. I can't be jealous even though I am, cos of you. Each time I feel pissed, I have to remind myself and force myself to cool down fast, cos of you. I can't throw trantrums for no reason like other girls do to their bf, cos of you. I can't be possessive at all, cos of you.

Yes, I cried a few times in front of you. I'm a crybaby like u said, but did I have a valid reason to cry? I had. I cried because it's freaking painful. I didn't cry because crying's my hobby or because I was having PMS mood swings. If I had a choice, I would never want u to see me crying because I'm hurt or sad, but because I'm touched or overjoyed.

When I was in Singapore, I was online all the time...why? Cos of you! I stayed there because I waited for u. I watched the sun rise every night cos of you. I didn't wait for just an hr each day. I waited frm dawn to dusk, just for you. I went hunting for hrs to give u a surprise present in hope to make u happy. I went hunting high and low in a place I've never been before, again, to give u another surprise.

Do you know how tiring everything can get on me? But I pushed on..because I wanted to do it for u, for us! I said I want to make it work, and I'm trying very hard. Hence, I never complaint once at all, despite mentioning to u that I'm broke after buying ur present. When u felt insecure and I felt that maybe u think I'm not being good enuff, I was disappointed and sat down for hours to think of ways of how to treat u better. I'm willing to do anything just as long as we'll be happy, and because I trusted u entirely that u're true to me and love me, I felt that it was all worth it.

I didn't leave Notts when I know the cruel things u told me, because I didn't want others to know that we're having problems and I didn't want to embarrass u in front of your friends by packing up and go without a sound. I had all my feelings bottled up in me for one entire week, and never did I mention it to anyone in Notts for the same reason. Why won't you just give me a hug when I cried badly in your room? Why didn't u come after me when I got so mad I just walked out of your room for fresh air? Because you think I'm rational enuff to handle this? Did you know that all I wanted was you to just give me a hug and look straight into my eyes and tell me I hold a special place in your heart?

I'm not that 'li zhi' as you claim...and trying to be more 'li zhi' now is bringing me down. Yet, what can I do about it? Can I demand anything from u? Can I just lose myself for a while? Can I?

Why..why did u choose me to hurt, of all people? Why did u let me go? Have u read the V day card? Am I wrong by saying that I think u've forgotten that the card even existed? What I wrote in there was from right deep down. I said if I ever come to a split junction, just hold my hand and pull me away to where u think is best..no matter how lost or confused I am, just don't ever let me go. But why..of all times, u had to let me go when I'm happy and thought I have found my happiness again? Have I not proven myself ? Do you know how helpless and lost I am currently? Just your 'I can't generate the same feel I had with her towards u' shattered everything for me. I had more than sufficient reasons to say 'I hate you' and no one would dare to say I'm wrong if I were to slap u, but I can't bring myself to hate u at all..and no way will I use violence on u...even if I could, I can't bring myself to do it too.

I know you're a male chauvinist. You cannot accept it if a girl beats u in anything, and you feel that a girl should rely on a guy. But remember what u said abt compromising when we got together? Where did that go to? I gave up my pride by even bothering to stay in Notts for one whole week when I am sure some of your friends knew that we broke up once I got to Notts, which is extremely embarrassing for me and not for u. If I can make such sacrifices for u, why is it that u can't make any for me? Am I unreasonable by asking u to give in a little to me? Am I unreasonable to ask for u to lower ur pride and ego a little for me?"

I admit I lost my cool a few times on him, but I really can't tolerate it anymore. If I could tolerate it, I wouldn't have spoken to him louder than usual.

That day when I had dinner with Fatimah, I told her that I'm not that independent..but more independent than his ex gf at least (I think). I told her my independence made him feel as if I was challenging his competency, which was never my intention. I told her that I feel that his ex gf will die without him, and I will still be able to get through each day without him being around me physically.

It's a fact. I will be able to get through, but that doesn't mean I don't need him around. I need him ard. I want him to be ard. I want to rely on him. I want him to take care of me. I want him to help me make the best decisions for my life. I want to build a home with him in UK or in Singapore,whichever he prefers (I'm willing to compromise. I'm willing to stay in UK for good if he hates Sg so much). I don't want to do things alone anymore.

It pains me so much when I know he's going back to Singapore for Easter. I want to ask him to stay, but I know he must be dying to go home and probably because the ticket has an expiry date...besides..why would he stay in UK for me? He's not obligated to spend time with me anymore. We're not together anymore no? I didn't dare open my mouth to even say "Can u stay for me pls..?" the 2nd time. And that excitement and smile on his face makes me feel worse. I know for a fact that he would rather go home than to be with me, so I never asked again.

I don't know if he reads my blog everyday like he used to do. Probably not since he's busy catching up with his sch work. Even if he does...can he feel what I'm feeling now? I hope he becomes sensitive at least this once..