Deep in thoughts...
Yesterday was different from my other days this week.
There was the studying part, and also a whole loads of updates from an old friend, and I revealed how I felt about some stuffs to another friend. It made me realised how much I have changed over the years...
My Sec 4 classmates had a gathering yesterday, and Ruoying told me all about it. They met up with Miss Peh, a teacher I respect and salute to. She's always been a strong lady and definitely a great example to all. She was diagnosed with cancer and unfortunately, the medical therapy didn't have an effect on her. I remember visiting her once in CGH when I was in TJC. She looked tired and weak, but was pleased having us around visiting her. She never pulled herself away from anyone in fear of being inferior. She never turned antisocial. Despite her misfortune, she still fights to keep herself alive and going. I'm glad to know that my ex-classmates got to see her again. I wish I was there at the gathering too..but too bad, I'm stuck here in UK.
Ruoying told me so much about how our sec sch teachers were. Several of them are suffering frm pretty major illnesses and it was really sad to hear about what happened. There are so many changes in everything. My ex-classmates are either at work, graduating from uni, married, became mothers etc. It's good to know that almost everyone's well. It just felt like as if it was yesterday we were still sitting in the same places right in the Sec 4/2 classroom, making helluva noise, copying homework, cheering our hearts out when we beat the other sec 4 classes in our overall grades, playing games together, singing songs together, changing into PE attire etc. Those were the days. Everyone was still considered innocent, naive, full of happiness.
Things will never be the same again. Long gone were those days, and never will I get it back. I'm sure my old classmates agree with me on that. My sec sch days were the best in my life. I miss every single bit of it. It was just an ordinary school I despised when I first got in, but I came out with a totally changed opinion. Bedok View Secondary School will always hold a strong place in my heart eternally. If only we had digital cams then, I'm sure I'll wanna take lots and lots of photos with my classmates. I miss them so so much.
Chatted online with a JC schmate who have stayed as my guardian angel since JC2. Even though I dun need any, he's always around somewhere, somehow.
It's really funny when he told me I'm not a cactus, but a touch-me-not. He told me why and yup, I guess I will have to agree with what he said.
I asked him how I was like when I was in JC. I know I am no longer the old TJC girl he first knew, but I cannot remember how I was like during then anymore. Sometimes, when I look into the mirror at myself for a few minutes, I do actually ask myself, "What is happening to you, Michelle? Where have u been?"
It got me stunned for a moment when he asked me what have become of me and what changed me. Tears rolled down my cheeks when he asked me...exactly the same reaction whenever I ask myself the same question. He told me I was full of zest, ever-ready to fight, ever-ready to take up any challenges, and he can just feel the childhood in me slowly moving on to adulthood. But he can't feel the zest I had during those years now. I can sense his disappointment when he told me that.
Then it led on to the topic about my independent nature. I was pleased to release all my thoughts about this. Independence...isn't something I had since birth. My parents are pretty protective over me. They never left me alone to fight for my own survival. But through the years of growing up, I realise that nothing is permanent. Only changes are. I know for a fact that ultimately, one fine day, I will have to rely on only myself. Ppl might beg to differ and say I can rely on my husband in future, my friends etc. Yes, I can rely on them for support, but can I rely on them all the time for life? Not trying to sound pessimistic, but can anyone guarantee me 100% that he/she will be alive the next day? If my source of reliance leaves me the next minute, what should I do? Anything can happen within the next minute. Life's unpredictable no? No one's obligated to anyone (except to your parents of cos..). The only person who is guaranteed to never leave u for good is only yourself. The eternal source of reliance from the moment u take your first breath and your last is yourself...no one else.
He had a debate with me over this. He said I was being pessimistic about it, and why would someone think about ppl ard u dying the next minute. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being realistic. People do know that life's unpredictable, but why r they not willing to think then? I personally think they're afraid to think, and hence, convincing themselves with the mindset that it's pessimistic to do so...and then cast it aside.
My greatest fear in life isn't about not becoming a doctor. It's losing my parents and my brother. What will become of me if they leave me one day? If I can't be independent, losing them will a blow I will never recover from because I will die without them...just like a plant without water. I can't rely on my relatives because of certain reasons. What should I do? Should I just sit in the corner and wait to die, or should I give it a good cry and then get up on my feet all over again? If I have to get myself prepared should a day like that ever happen, why not do it now?
"Why now? Why not wait till then?" might be the question ppl might ask next. Reason is because I can still make changes to my life to allow myself a greater chance to survive. But if I were to do it at a much later age, I can't really make as much changes for a higher survival chance as I can now.
If I can train myself to be independent now, I will be more adapted and not thrown into a state of shock when I'm left to survive alone and then having to cope with 2 sources of mental and emotional stress full blown at one go.
Unfortunately, no one ever asked or wanted to know why I chose to be independent. Trust me, it isn't easy to be. It takes guts to face reality and to accept that reality's cruel and harsh.
If people were to ask me "Michelle, do u like being independent?", my answer will be "No" without hesitation. I became independent not because I want to be, but because I HAVE to be. If I didn't have to be, I would be most willing to rely on ppl to do stuffs for me, so that :
1. I will never have to worry abt being left alone since ppl will noe I'll die without them ard and might feel guilty if I really die when they abandon me.
2. Save time since I don't have to do anything but sit there and be "served".
If I'm so dependent, I will be living a life with no achievements, no worries and troubles because I know that people will get things done for me. Hassle free. That sounds really good isn't it? Why would I wanna resist it?
And u know what? Somehow I think...independence is somewhat related to being opinionated*. Hahha..just a sudden thought. They seem to be associated with each other because how can a person be independent if he/she doesn't have opinions about things and hence, not able to make decisions by himself/herself?
Aiyah..but anyway...I think I'm not as independent as I look lah, despite being better than a lot of ppl (esp girls) out there already. Guys reading this might probably wanna give me a scolding and say "You wanna be left on the shelf ah? You still wanna be even more independent?! You'll make us guys feel that we're redundant!"*
Oh well...if u actually try to understand why I have to be, u'll probably not say that. And if there are guys who think their presence to me is redundant, then they r very very wrong...haha..*
*For overly sensitive beings, this is typed purely as a thought with no 2nd meaning
There was the studying part, and also a whole loads of updates from an old friend, and I revealed how I felt about some stuffs to another friend. It made me realised how much I have changed over the years...
My Sec 4 classmates had a gathering yesterday, and Ruoying told me all about it. They met up with Miss Peh, a teacher I respect and salute to. She's always been a strong lady and definitely a great example to all. She was diagnosed with cancer and unfortunately, the medical therapy didn't have an effect on her. I remember visiting her once in CGH when I was in TJC. She looked tired and weak, but was pleased having us around visiting her. She never pulled herself away from anyone in fear of being inferior. She never turned antisocial. Despite her misfortune, she still fights to keep herself alive and going. I'm glad to know that my ex-classmates got to see her again. I wish I was there at the gathering too..but too bad, I'm stuck here in UK.
Ruoying told me so much about how our sec sch teachers were. Several of them are suffering frm pretty major illnesses and it was really sad to hear about what happened. There are so many changes in everything. My ex-classmates are either at work, graduating from uni, married, became mothers etc. It's good to know that almost everyone's well. It just felt like as if it was yesterday we were still sitting in the same places right in the Sec 4/2 classroom, making helluva noise, copying homework, cheering our hearts out when we beat the other sec 4 classes in our overall grades, playing games together, singing songs together, changing into PE attire etc. Those were the days. Everyone was still considered innocent, naive, full of happiness.
Things will never be the same again. Long gone were those days, and never will I get it back. I'm sure my old classmates agree with me on that. My sec sch days were the best in my life. I miss every single bit of it. It was just an ordinary school I despised when I first got in, but I came out with a totally changed opinion. Bedok View Secondary School will always hold a strong place in my heart eternally. If only we had digital cams then, I'm sure I'll wanna take lots and lots of photos with my classmates. I miss them so so much.
Chatted online with a JC schmate who have stayed as my guardian angel since JC2. Even though I dun need any, he's always around somewhere, somehow.
It's really funny when he told me I'm not a cactus, but a touch-me-not. He told me why and yup, I guess I will have to agree with what he said.
I asked him how I was like when I was in JC. I know I am no longer the old TJC girl he first knew, but I cannot remember how I was like during then anymore. Sometimes, when I look into the mirror at myself for a few minutes, I do actually ask myself, "What is happening to you, Michelle? Where have u been?"
It got me stunned for a moment when he asked me what have become of me and what changed me. Tears rolled down my cheeks when he asked me...exactly the same reaction whenever I ask myself the same question. He told me I was full of zest, ever-ready to fight, ever-ready to take up any challenges, and he can just feel the childhood in me slowly moving on to adulthood. But he can't feel the zest I had during those years now. I can sense his disappointment when he told me that.
Then it led on to the topic about my independent nature. I was pleased to release all my thoughts about this. Independence...isn't something I had since birth. My parents are pretty protective over me. They never left me alone to fight for my own survival. But through the years of growing up, I realise that nothing is permanent. Only changes are. I know for a fact that ultimately, one fine day, I will have to rely on only myself. Ppl might beg to differ and say I can rely on my husband in future, my friends etc. Yes, I can rely on them for support, but can I rely on them all the time for life? Not trying to sound pessimistic, but can anyone guarantee me 100% that he/she will be alive the next day? If my source of reliance leaves me the next minute, what should I do? Anything can happen within the next minute. Life's unpredictable no? No one's obligated to anyone (except to your parents of cos..). The only person who is guaranteed to never leave u for good is only yourself. The eternal source of reliance from the moment u take your first breath and your last is yourself...no one else.
He had a debate with me over this. He said I was being pessimistic about it, and why would someone think about ppl ard u dying the next minute. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being realistic. People do know that life's unpredictable, but why r they not willing to think then? I personally think they're afraid to think, and hence, convincing themselves with the mindset that it's pessimistic to do so...and then cast it aside.
My greatest fear in life isn't about not becoming a doctor. It's losing my parents and my brother. What will become of me if they leave me one day? If I can't be independent, losing them will a blow I will never recover from because I will die without them...just like a plant without water. I can't rely on my relatives because of certain reasons. What should I do? Should I just sit in the corner and wait to die, or should I give it a good cry and then get up on my feet all over again? If I have to get myself prepared should a day like that ever happen, why not do it now?
"Why now? Why not wait till then?" might be the question ppl might ask next. Reason is because I can still make changes to my life to allow myself a greater chance to survive. But if I were to do it at a much later age, I can't really make as much changes for a higher survival chance as I can now.
If I can train myself to be independent now, I will be more adapted and not thrown into a state of shock when I'm left to survive alone and then having to cope with 2 sources of mental and emotional stress full blown at one go.
Unfortunately, no one ever asked or wanted to know why I chose to be independent. Trust me, it isn't easy to be. It takes guts to face reality and to accept that reality's cruel and harsh.
If people were to ask me "Michelle, do u like being independent?", my answer will be "No" without hesitation. I became independent not because I want to be, but because I HAVE to be. If I didn't have to be, I would be most willing to rely on ppl to do stuffs for me, so that :
1. I will never have to worry abt being left alone since ppl will noe I'll die without them ard and might feel guilty if I really die when they abandon me.
2. Save time since I don't have to do anything but sit there and be "served".
If I'm so dependent, I will be living a life with no achievements, no worries and troubles because I know that people will get things done for me. Hassle free. That sounds really good isn't it? Why would I wanna resist it?
And u know what? Somehow I think...independence is somewhat related to being opinionated*. Hahha..just a sudden thought. They seem to be associated with each other because how can a person be independent if he/she doesn't have opinions about things and hence, not able to make decisions by himself/herself?
Aiyah..but anyway...I think I'm not as independent as I look lah, despite being better than a lot of ppl (esp girls) out there already. Guys reading this might probably wanna give me a scolding and say "You wanna be left on the shelf ah? You still wanna be even more independent?! You'll make us guys feel that we're redundant!"*
Oh well...if u actually try to understand why I have to be, u'll probably not say that. And if there are guys who think their presence to me is redundant, then they r very very wrong...haha..*
*For overly sensitive beings, this is typed purely as a thought with no 2nd meaning
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