Happy 23rd anniversary to Dad & Mum

It's my parent's 23rd wedding anniversary. Yeah, on mid-autumn festival. They got married on this day on the chinese calendar..I can't remember the english date though.

Dad bought Mum a big bouquet of peach roses. They are beautifully displayed in a vase on the dining table. It's a yearly thing..at least roses for Mummy. I don't think there was any presents for her. I don't think there has been any for the past few years too because of financial reasons. But I'm sure Mum is still happy. Despite quarrels with Dad, they still love each other very much. They told me so.

Something happened last night. I didn't want my family to find out, so I turned the music louder than usual, hoping that it will drown the other noises. Probably I turned on the music too loud, that's why my brother came up to see what happened. My door was closed. He probably 'heard' what happened through my door, that's why he didn't barge in and scold me for turning on the music so loudly.

Things were ok today..it had to be.. because I wanted to look pretty during the dinner just now. Tolerated and tolerated. It wasn't easy...definitely not...

Had dinner at Sheraton Hotel in the evening. I dressed up for dinner. Make up and just tied my hair in a very simple way. Good thing Mum said I looked nice, but she asked me why were my eyes puffy. I didn't thought they were cos my double eyelids were still around. If my eyes were puffy, the double eyelids would have been gone. I told her they are not, just that maybe my double eyelids are looking a little deeper than usual tonight.

I guess she knew I was lying. When I was in the car, my parents asked me if I had any problems and said my brother heard me crying last night. They said my music was loud, and they know that probably I did that so that I can cry my heart out, which is probably good. They said they are not angry about me crying everything out, but they are very concerned about what's bothering me so badly that this had to happen. They asked if it was school, etc. Mum kept asking and asking, but I did not answer her. I dare not look at her too. I just looked out of the window because I could feel my tears rolling out in no time, and I know I can't let that happen or else my makeup will be ruined. By right, I should tell them because they are my parents, but I really cannot let them know. Besides, I don't wish to ruin their anniversary. I'm sure I must have hurt them for keeping totally silent about everything. Dad, Mum, I'm sorry...

Dad's going to Hanoi in a few hours' time. He did ask me last week if I wanted to go. I was in a dilemma. I want to get out of Singapore for a while, but at the same time, I've got to see if there are any more job interviews or anything job-related matters which might happen during this period, so I rejected the offer. What a waste right? I was thinking...maybe going to other countries for tours might be a good idea for me to leave my problems aside for a while. I'm so mentally exhausted......very very exhausted....

I should turn in now. It's real late....and I've got a long day later...gonna be home late again......

A month has gone by again..

26th is over, once again. A monthly day to feel excited about has gone by like any other day...nothing worth remembering....once again...

I went offline early tonight and here I am online again. Isn't it weird how difficult sleeping is for a piggy like me?

Seeing the timing I go to bed and wake up, it's no wonder my parents aren't pleased. I'm sure Prof Kua is gonna shake his head when he sees me during my coming medical appointment. I feel like not turning up for it, to be honest. I am worried he will give me those pills again. I..I..really don't want to take them again simply because I feel different from the others around me. It makes me feel as if I'm so much weaker, so much more inferior than people around me. I seem to have lost myself..the old Michelle....I really lack self-confidence in that aspect...I wish I could regain it..but it really isn't easy for me..

How long have I been in Singapore? Almost 2 months. Honestly, I am not enjoying myself. Although home is still home, but I'm beginning to wonder if I feel better being home this time round. Looking back at what I did during this 2 months hurt tremendously. I've been looking for all sorts of things to do, all for a reason I know. I'm trying very hard, so hard that these things have been bottling up in me.

I told others around me I'm doing them because they are my other interests apart from medicine (which is true), but is that the main reason why I'm doing them? Definitely not.

This wasn't the holiday I planned. I am feeling real bad about having to take this holiday...really. But can I show it? I still remember the nights I spent in UK thinking about this decision I had to make..and how I felt in UK after making this decision. Although I acted as if it was a happy decision I made, but deep down, I am not happy. I felt lousy. But I wanted to make it seem like I'm fine, so that people I care about won't get too worried about me. I'm a bad actress in a way. Sometimes I can't hide my inner feelings no matter how hard I try. Fortunately my parents don't know how I feel.

I tried staying positive, and someone very very very dear to me did give me some encouragement. I am grateful to him for listening to me weep over the phone or watch my tears roll in the webcam. I planned to make my months' stay something great to show my gratitude, and to fill up the 'empty' feeling he felt. I want to make him really happy. I want to keep my promise. I want to make these months so wonderful so that he will remember them and start smiling and continue to do so when I have to go back again. The things we wrote and showed each other through the airport's glass panel when I went into the customs..I won't forget. I had so much to tell him when I was leaving that that was the only way to continue talking to him. It was painful having to lose my final sight of him. All I had was that pair of rings he love which he passed to me the night before I left. There were other things he gave to me too, but apart frm the silver accessory on my finger, the most precious ones were the pair he passed to me. I held them tight when I was on the plane, remembering the promise I made..

I kept my promise. I brought the rings back with me. I told myself the moment the plane touched down.."Michelle, you're home. He'll be happy to know that you have kept your promise...". He was the first person I was looking for when I arrived and I really cannot describe how I felt when I saw him again. That smile, that voice, everything.

But...never did I expect that this holiday would turn out this way. All plans have been dragged on..till I don't expect them to be carried out. I'm still hoping they will be, because I've been looking forward to them since I was in UK and how excited I was about them. I wonder if he remembers them. I have not forgotten mine, and I really really wish to carry mine out one day.

I don't feel better being home this time...at least not now. I don't feel like going back to UK either..there's nothing for me to look forward to. And now, apart from my family, there's nothing to look forward to in Singapore too. I'm extremely disappointed. I've lost interest in doing things, even though I know I shouldn't. I'm very very very lost, and I do feel very alone now..

Till today, I still don't know where the problem lies. I am doing my best to find out what it is and resolve it. If it's me, I'll try my best to change it. I've never thought that anything would be too difficult for us to handle, because no matter how hard it is going to be, I will NEVER let go of his hand and I am sure he will do the same too...I'm sure...dead sure...

How long will this go on..? I am still holding on tightly to the trust he wanted, our dreams, our plans. Please tell me they will come true one day. I really feel very tortured...I need an indication that he's still around. I really need strength to carry on walking...just a little will do...I need an indication that I'm not doing it alone...

I just hope he won't let go of my hand..no matter what...don't ever let go..please don't....

Very bad mood

My mood today's bad for a reason I don't know. A bit too early for PMS too. What's wrong manz..

First, I got irritated with hp calls and msges today, which is odd. Then I was very rude to friends who sms me by not replying and rejecting calls. Then I started losing temper at my parents.

Now that I'm boiling, I'm thinking back about what horrid things I did today. I slept so late yesterday and couldn't get up early this morning, and was awoken by phone calls from different people. I was so annoyed, I rejected the calls, but whenever the phone in my room rings, I have to pick it up cos only people I know very well has that number (but I have no idea why people rather call my hp). It's quite obvious who will call that number and I knew it must be Mum. As usual, it'll be "Come down and eat lunch". I was irritated, gave a "Later lah!!!!" and slammed it down.

Went online for a while in the afternoon and I guess the way I answered my MSN msges was rude as well. Kinda obvious.

Then in the evening after dinner, I told Mum I'm going for Hip Hop and she started yelling at me, saying things like "Oh my god, I never imagine my daughter will follow those teenagers dance on the platform in the arcade". I hate her tone manz. It made me boil for 2 reasons. First, it was her tone and second, cos she's talking RUBBISH. She doesn't even know anything! And thinks she does. I lost my temper and yelled back, telling her that if she doesn't know what hip hop is, then it's time she should stop talking nonsense to me. It's only then she tells me she doesn't know what dance I wanna do, just as long as I make sure the dance can help me bring up my social status. WTF! I lost my temper more. Does it mean if I have to do anything which I love, it has to be for social status?!

I blew my top further..duh. Told her I'm just wanting to do something which I love, and that's dancing. Now that I have found a dance spot, why can't I just do it out of my passion for dance, instead of her so-called increase social status reason?! I want to learn classical dance too, but Dad asked me to bring her along. To be honest, I MIND..not because I don't like my Mum learning it, but because I can't enjoy myself to the max. I don't mind she learns it, just make sure we go to different classes...but I can't tell my parents that, that's why I did not go source for classical dance. Imagine my mum telling me, "Can you behave more decently when you're dancing?" or "How come you're so flirty?" and so on after a dance class when, for goodness sake, I'm not. I am dancing not to flirt. I'm not interested in that, but my mum just has this tendency to say things which makes me wanna rip her mouth apart sometimes. What's dance with so much restrictions?

For the past few weeks, I've been tolerating the fact that they are wanting me to do things related to medicine during my months in S'pore, which I went against. They must be thinking I'm sick of medicine, which isn't true! I still love medicine, just that I want to do other things which I like during this period, and even so, they are making it so difficult for me by giving me all kinds of attitude, till I went ahead to source and pay for activities myself. From language school to dance to jobs, I did everything myself and they don't even know about it. I only tell them after I've made a decision. This isn't me..I was never like that. I've always consulted my parents for everything I wanna do, but not this time. I bet you they don't even know why I'm always home only at night cos I don't tell them anything anymore.

Mum got angry and told me that she never expected me to do nothing but medicine. How contradicting! Here she is saying this, but when I went job hunting or do any course, she will always add this sentence in.."It's got no relation to medicine"! To hell with their comments...I shall NOT give a damn anymore. If I don't get to do what I want this time, I won't have a chance to do so anymore. Can't they fucking see that I'm trying to do things which is making me happy???!?!

And after coming home, I started studying. Couldn't find my pen and I got very angry because there could only be one reason. I had to take the bloody trouble to go to the 2nd level to ask if anyone in my family took my pen (actually only my brother will do such thing), and got a reply "No". I went back to my room and searched everywhere for it, but was in vain. Just then, my brother came into my room and left the pens on my table and said NOTHING to me! Not even a SORRY. I gave him a big scolding and slammed the door once he walked out. I'm feeling guilty because I really scolded him very loudly. I don't think he deserved such a loud one, but still I was boiling..he was just unlucky to step on my tail at the wrong time I suppose. I'm angry because he ALWAYS takes my stuffs without asking and return as and when he likes. I remember there was once he took my ruler without telling me, and I actually went for a school exam without it, which can really bring me a lot of trouble if it were a Maths or Geography paper. And the shit thing is..he yells if you take his stuff without telling him.

Anyway, my mood hasn't been good for the past 1-2 days. Family politics issues again. I know my parents are frustrated over it too, and they need to talk to someone about it. Mum loves talking to me about them, and to be honest, I dread listening to it. I already dread my paternal side so much that I have lost all my respect for them...EVERY SINGLE ONE..and still I have to listen and be reminded of the problems my family is facing cos of these bitches and bastards. Why manz?! Why can't I just be borned in a simpler family with simpler relatives?! These problems contributed to the reasons why I left Singapore, but never did these problems leave my mind alone no matter where I go. When will this all end? If only my family had a choice, I'm sure they will not hesitate to cut ties and migrate elsewhere for good.

And why do we have to take in all the rubbish? All cos of one fucking reason...$$$! We have to take in everything because my dad needs the financial backing from Grandaunt to keep everything smooth. Everything is MONEY and MONEY! But does dad have a choice?! No! Cos if he can't keep the company going, everything is finished. He needs to pay for not just my family, but everything for my grandparents as well. Plus, it doesn't help to know that NO ONE appreciates his efforts, but just wanna ask for more $$$. Everyone thinks Dad owns a gold mine. Maybe you might wonder what has this got to do with me? Being his daughter, can I not feel anything? I can't just ignore isn't it? It hurts me to see Dad this way, and even as his daughter, I get scolded at times too. For what reason you might ask, because I went to UK to study. Yes, FOR STUDYING! A relative said something to me and will never ever stop saying it...."You think your Dad is very rich is it? Of all places, you chose to go to UK...do you know how much burden you bring to your Dad?" I won't forget this, and neither have I showed my parents how hurt I felt over this comment. I kept it all to myself, till at times, I start thinking that I should have just stopped studying. Yet then again, if this someone knows that my Dad isn't rich, why are they not helping him ease his burden but adding more on his shoulders?

Money makes everyone change isn't it? People change cos of MONEY...because they think MONEY brings POWER..brings everything. But what else can money do? Money can destroy any kind of love humans have for one another too.

I'm not being unrealistic by saying that MONEY isn't important. But in order to have it, you have to hurt people around you, turn your back on your close ones, people that you love etc...then there isn't anymore meaning in owning all the cash and being powerful...

*My blog entry today is very disorganised today cos I'm in a foul mood and I just type anything that comes into my head without thinking..*

Interesting article

A medical issue I read from Saturday's Straits Times. Ok la, not that I read the WHOLE paper...it's just my kind parents who found it interesting, so they cut it out for me to read.

It's about coughs! And how it is related to stress.

I found this article particularly interesting cos I have this problem with coughs. As mentioned in many of my blog entries, I cough so often like nobody's business. And it takes ages to go away, and not long after, I'll start coughing again.

Cough's due to bacteria and viruses which causes upper respiratory tract infection (URTI). Our body's equipped with a very good immune system, however, many factors causes the immunity level in us to go low, enabling these opportunistic organisms to give us infections.

In NUS, research has been done on Dentistry students to find out the relationship between coughs and stress. Amazingly, experiments have shown that IgA (a type of antibody) found in the saliva can detect if the individual is under stress. It is said that the IgA levels are low in these individuals, making them more susceptible to infections such as URTI.

Apparently, it is said that IgA levels in the saliva can be used as a marker to diagnose a patient who is under stress. But to make this diagnostic kit available to the public will still require some time. Geez, I wonder when it'll be out. I'm kinda curious about it. I wanna buy it and try it on myself. Guarantee you my IgA level will be darn low.

After reading this article, maybe I can assume my cough's due to stress? If Priscilla's reading this, then maybe she'll know why she had those coughing fits...stress related? I'm not surprised..

Maybe Mum will assume it's so too, and spare me from the blood tests and chest x-ray which she's gonna bring me for very soon. Then again, no harm doing those checks too. I wonder what's my cholesterol and sugar level. Not surprised if my cholesterol level is high manz...I love fried stuffs...

Why do humans yawn?

A very interesting topic which was brought up during a conversation I had this morning with a friend.

Why do humans yawn? Ever wondered about it?

Many would claim that they know the answer, and some egoistic people might say "Cos we lack of oxygen lah! Simple things like that also dunno..." Ok, just in case your self-esteem has been brought down to the negative levels, think Hmm...do these people know then? Are they right, proving that we're really that dense?

This was the first thing I decided to do, after washing up of cos (duh)...to find out the reason to why humans (even animals!) yawn.

Unfortunately, there's insufficient research being done on yawning, and no one really knows the real reason for it. However, suggestions have been made to why.

Wait wait..don't go "aiyah.....chey...."...cos I'm gonna tell you how you can "slap" those people who think they are some whiz kid as they try to bring you down with their "lack of oxygen" theory.

Apparently, their suggestion of the oxygen lack isn't totally invalid, BUT it is incorrect!!!! *Yay*

Perhaps it's wise to consider abt this "oxygen lack" theory first. It is assumed that our body makes yawning a way to rid excess carbon dioxide and to increase oxygen in our body. When people are bored or tired, they usually yawn, and that's because their breathing rate slows down. This results in lesser oxygen getting to the lungs, and as a result of the increase in carbon dioxide concentration in the blood, a signal is transmitted to the brain, triggering yawns to occur. Makes sense? Sure it does huh..

In 1987, Dr Robert Provine and his research team decided to carry out an experiment to test this theory. He did this by giving college students different concentrations of gases to inhale for 30 minutes, and calculated the number of times they yawn. For those who inhaled 100% oxygen or carbon dioxide of above normal concentrations, their breathing rate increased, but the number of yawns were indifferent from those who inhaled normal air.

They then went on with their research by having people to exercise. The breathing rate increased, but there was no change in the number of yawns before and after exercise!

Mark A. W. Andrews, the Associate Professor of Physiology and Director of the Independent Study Program at the Lake Erie College of Osteopathic Medicine, said that lungs do not necessarily sense oxygen levels. Fetuses yawn in utero although their lungs are not ventilated yet. If there is no ventilation, where does the "oxygen lack" theory come into place?

Now, does that prove that oxygen levels in the blood has nothing to do with yawning?

Dr Provine then came up with a suggestion that yawning is similar to stretching. Both increase the heart rate and the blood pressure as well as muscle and joint flexion. This relationship between yawns and stretches are substantiated with the evidence that if we try to prevent a yawn by clenching our jaws shut, the yawn seems to be "unsatisfying".

Mark Andrews said that studies have shown that yawning occurs when we just wake up, fatigued, or when our state of alertness is changing (is that why I yawned so much when I was tipsy yesterday?). But this is also not true. Low oxygen levels in the paraventricular nucleus (PVN) in the hypothalamus of our brain induces yawning. Yet, it is also known that PVN plays a role in penile erection (hur hur...), which is TYPICALLY not an event associated with boredom (hmm..isit? *quite doubtful* what caused the baby boom after WW2 in Asia?).

The PVN has indeed proved itself to be one of the "yawning" centers in the brain. Yawning is induced by the number of chemical messengers (dopamine, glycine, oxytocin, ACTH) in our brain. For example, ACTH is found to be at high levels before we sleep and wake up, causing us to yawn and stretch.

Despite the above theory which makes perfect sense, there are still numerous questions which linger.

So what's the conclusion? Yawning has got nothing to do with oxygen levels in the blood and the actual reason of this normal ability of human is still not proven despite the given suggestions making lots of sense..

Hmm..isn't this topic interesting? I'm amazed by it..

I really am not cut out for drinking

It's been a long time since I last touched alcohol.

I drank tonight. I turn red easily and that was what happened after I had Screw Driver made by Stacey. The orange juice was very sweet, and it actually hid the taste of the vodka.

My heart was pounding like crazy and so was my head. Eyes got real red and when I looked into the mirror, it was so darn obvious I was drinking. Someone even commented I looked as if I had a bad sun tan...sheesh...

I left the BBQ and didn't go home. In fact I just came back, and will be crashing soon. My head's hurting like crazy. Went to meet a friend and then went for another round of drinking session. But I was already feeling rather tipsy that my friend just grabbed my drink and finished them up before I could do so. I think I would most probably puke after that bottle cos my tummy was feeling very uncomfortable already.

Then it was 3 hours of KTV after that. I sang horribly, despite trying. Wanted to order more alcohol and my friend insisted on tea for me. I didn't want a hot drink, so I gave in by ordering watermelon juice instead. I reckon I'll probably be dragged out by the staff if I had beer and end up sleeping in the room (which happens all the time when I drink too much...I slp everywhere..).

Thank goodness I'm still able to type properly now. The effects have kinda worn off a little, but I'm still feeling horrible after the drinks...

If only I had something that will knock me out straight away...

Words from the past

I couldn't sleep the whole night. Was it because it was too warm, or was it for some other reason? I guess they both contributed to it. I probably dozed off at some point, but the fact that I was able to get up immediately when I heard my hp beeping showed that my sleep wasn't sound.

I just came home. Saw my foolscap pad on the table. In it, contained a self-written note. The handwriting was mine, but the words weren't. They weren't words from some poet or some phrases which held deep meanings, but words from deep within someone's heart. Those things he told me meant so much to me that I wrote them down as quickly as he typed them. I kept them in my foolscap pad so that I will never like it become torn and tattered. I read them often, and brought it back to Singapore so that I can read them again and again. There was never once I felt sick of reading it because I know he meant them, and I was convinced about it.

It's been a while since I took out that letter to read. All for one reason, fear. I fear my emotions taking over me once again. I fear I will start asking 'why'. I fear for anything which would bring me down. But today, I couldn't help but read it again when I saw it.

Are those memories? I hope they weren't, because if they were..I'm shattered completely. Memories are used for the past isn't it? Meaning, if that was a memory, it isn't happening now, which I refuse to believe. I am disappointed, utterly in fact, but then again, who can I turn to at this point of time? I know I'm at my lowest, yet I'm not allowing myself to stay at that point by going against it (which is good I suppose, albeit difficult) and not allowing anyone to give me the shoulder I require badly, all for one person.

At the moment, I can only say that I hope those words stand, and I am believing they are, because I have to believe him despite how much doubts and 'whys' I have about the issue. And perhaps....perhaps after all these..someday my wish will still come true...

Don't tell me I'm falling ill again..

This is really not not NOT a good time to fall ill, when I just got well like...not too long ago.. *rolls eyes*

I was so tired the whole day today. It showed on my face and oh boy, do I look EXTREMELY UGLY today....pale..a little blood-shot eyes..like as if I'll just collapse any moment.

I tried to do some revision when I came home, but I only memorised a list of vocab before I dozed off. I needed a rest.

It was soothing and comfortable listening to the SENS CD while I was lying on my bed. It was tough going to slp initially because my mind was still filled with things, but before I knew it, I slept!

I would be slping now I reckon, if it weren't for Mum's call. I had so much difficulty pulling myself out of bed.

Why the tiredness?

Well, I wouldn't say I had a bad night last night. I slept at quite a late hour, but was woken by a very very very bad cramp in my tummy...yeah..that area again..just like in UK. It was almost as bad as the one I had in UK, and I knew the last thing I want is to "faint" again, so I refused to get out of my bed and tell my parents about it. I tried opening my eyes, but everything seem to be "moving" and I knew this is bad. My sleep was bad from then on and I didn't feel well in the morning when I got up, plus my cough is BACK once more...

Went for jap class and the cramps came on again. I didn't want to be curling up in class, so I rushed to the toilet and stayed there till the pain went away. And I knew I've got to buy medicine for myself..yah..MEDICINE again..I've been taking all kinds of pills recently...

Bought some anti-spasmodics and consulted the pharmacist on medical advice about a condition I feel that I'm most likely to have. I have a strong feeling I've got it cos I was diagnosed with it before. It's not that it's terminal, just that there isn't a cure for it, and the only way is through medication. It's quite common, especially for women. Kinda made a guess? The answer's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Quite suay to be diagnosed with it years ago, and most likely it's back again. Heard that it can get serious, but I'll pray hard it won't happen on me. But no worries peeps, I'll be fine :)

Haven't had dinner yet, and I'm not hungry. Wonder what's wrong. My appetite's not very good recently.

My aunt called earlier to say that my cousin wants to ask me out. Not a cousin I'm close to, and to be honest, I'm reluctant to go because I know she's not the one who initiated it. I guess it must be one of those "Hope Michelle can knock some sense into her head" reasons from parents. I can go on and try to talk to them and motivate them (like as if it works..) like how I did in the hospital the other day, but then again, I'm thinking..actually I'm not as mature as what my aunt thinks..so what if I study medicine? Just give me my due respect will do and leave me alone..save me those nonsense I have been facing all my life. That'll be great. Ok, speak no evil. So I shall stop grumbling. Think of all as being nice (haha..) and I won't feel that bad. Stay positive Michelle!!! Jia you!!! *cheers for myself*

Gave her a ring and was welcomed by a sianz voice. So damn obvious who initiated it right? Only my aunt sounded excited when I called (duh..return her call mahz..of cos excited lah). Might plan a lunch with my cousin..my treat of course. I'm the elder one mahz. Though reluctant, but I will do my best to see how I can help her in any way possible, but then again, I have to think real hard about what I say...cos this aunt of mine can't be trusted..as in..she tells all my stuffs to everyone, just like those friendster photos which she printed out and distributed to my grandparents. That happened many many many months back, and it DID make me blow my top for some reason I won't state. I remember calling home from UK just to make a BIG fuss about it to Mum once I heard the news. That was how angry I was.

Back to revision. I have to work harder for Jap now. I think I'm going too slow according to my planned schedule. I have not even done the past year papers, and I'm still struggling with basic concepts. This is not gonna work if I want to score damn high for my exam. It's a MUST. My aim? 90% and above...I'm gonna do it.

Working hard

I've been working hard the whole day.

I'm supposed to blog about the book, but I'll do it some time later when I'm more free. It's late and I should be off to bed pretty soon.

I learnt new stuffs today, which is making me quite pleased. I enjoyed myself most when I was down at the Esplanade today.

Jap class was the usual..so nothing much to talk about. I was having a tough time learning it this morning that I decided to reward myself by going for a walk around town, before heading for somewhere else. Bought a blue top..dirt cheap..only $9.50. Then I went to take a look at CDs. I bought the S.E.N.S album. It's got 2 discs, so value for money manz. And the good thing is the music are all so soothing and nice.

Headed to Esplanade, with the plan to study for a few hours before French class. I was taking a very very slow stroll as I was heading there from Citylink. I was admiring the art pieces on display and the photos displayed in the 'underpass'. I love the photos very much. Very well taken pics of the life in Tibet, Nepal, India and China. I want to visit these places one day. How nice if I can go to these places for a short period of time to give free medical services after graduating. I'm sure there are such events going on. These places are having a great lack in their medical facilities. It'll be wonderful if I can help contribute and even understand their way of life. I've been too much of a city girl (not that I mind), but I just realised that this world's huge..and there are just so many things around me which I have not experienced or even know. What is it like to be living in their world? I'm sure I'll learn a lot. SMSL holds events something like this to other 3rd world countries every year, and due to me being homesick so often, I never took part in any. I should try to take part in future huh..

It felt great stepping into the Esplanade. The park is my favourite place. I wanted to go there after studying, but didnt have the time to do so. Arts..something I love and am always fascinated about. So naturally, I was smiling as I walked into the library. However, it was crowded with students, who are mugging for the upcoming exams. I went to the Dance section (as usual), and got real excited when I saw ballet on screen again. I miss dancing so badly. I miss those days I get out of the studio satisfied, and those days where I vent all my frustrations and problems by dancing and dancing. It felt as if the stage was mine, the audience was mine (even though the number wasn't big, unless it's an open house). And I definitely miss that opportunity I had to perform on stage in front of tons of people during summer school one year. The applause was fabulous. It felt like heaven.

Enuff about ballet..haiz. I found a table to do my studying. Kept burying my head into my Jap and French books. I revised till I got real saturated, and was about to give up, until I remembered what I read from the book I bought yesterday. I told myself, "If I were to give up now, I'll be having the mind of a loser" and I reminded myself of this.."The only way to become smarter is to start getting confused. Only then will you be able to try to find the reason and resolve this". I was confused with what I was studying. Jap seems to get more and more confusing. I tried hard to solve it, but was not able to see the concept. Looks like the only way now is to consult my tutor.

Today's lesson 2 for French, but due to my lousy memory, I got the date of the 1st lesson wrong, accounting for why I had to be an hour earlier for class this evening for a make-up lesson. My teacher's French and he's cute! Ok, but I don't have designs on him alright. He's just my teacher. I think I am probably the youngest in class. My classmates are all grown ups who belong to the working society (er..actually most of my friends are working already..so does that make me one of them considering my age?). Loads of Indians. I was quite surprised until I remember that Indians seem to like Europe for one reason or another. Tons of them migrate there..just like UK..turning into Bombay already.

French's tough because of their pronunciation, and the masculine/feminine form. But I learnt a lot in class. I think my pronunciation isn't smooth yet, so I'll need to practise reading it many times.

Parents are grumbling about me not going to hospitals or clinics for attachment. Mum wants me to write in to NUS to request for them to let me join them for attachment. I don't mind, but on another hand, I'm reluctant too. I don't wish to have my whole gap year filled with nothing but medicine and medicine again. But I don't think my parents share the same thoughts as me. I feel that this gap yr..to them..it seems like a break because there was no other alternative out, rather than one to let me breathe and go back fresh. Then again, I shall not blame them for it. The book I read said that I am responsible for all my actions and consequences and I should not blame anyone for it. Only then can I feel that life isn't treating me unfairly, be happier and be motivated to make changes in my life. Shall try to follow those teachings..must make full use of my $21..

My new companion

Ok, that title looks shocking? Maybe yes, maybe no.

I'm wondering what's going on in the minds of those reading this entry now...hmm..NEW companion..sounds like there's gonna be some burning desire going around to find out who this newbie is. Guarantee you tt gossip mongers will go "Oh, Mich's got a new beau (again?) Cool!!!!"

Yupz, I've found something new in my life! Ready for some latest hot juicy gossips? Ok, I shall now introduce to you my new companion.......*hu~~~xi~~~~hu~~~xi~~~* (warning: VERY HOT!!!)



















"I AM GIFTED, SO ARE YOU!"...a new book I bought... :P




Ok, throw me those eggs if you have any..fresh ones ONLY pls. With the great lack of egg supply, I'll be glad if you can kindly donate some to me ( I love eggs..yum yum). My mum couldn't buy any anywhere...blast those kiasu aunties..buy so many eggs for what..eat so much eggs....later high cholesterol manz..bleah..

Talking about eggs, it's such a pity Chawanmushi's not available in Sakae Sushi. I was so excited about it today before I went for the buffet, thinking I can 'sup' all of it, until I saw that notice which made me go "Awww...damn..." and hop around for a few moments like a rabbit.

Ok, digress first. Let's talk about what happened yesterday.

Went to China Jump.....for dinner ONLY. But it was great fun. Nice atmosphere..romantic..but a bit too dark..bad for my eyes. Met a new friend, Becky. Stacey's pal. Nice girl, damn cool, love her hair manz (it's purple). Suddenly I realise I'm in such a different world from many youngsters. Their world isn't my kind, but no harm mixing around too. By the way, the food's not bad. I didn't drink anything except ice water. Was quite gian to drink some alcohol, but considering the fact that I definitely have to pull myself out of bed the next morning to go to Jap class, I changed my mind. I was gian to try Sex on the Beach (that's the name of the DRINK. I don't means SEX happening on the beach ok u dirty tiko asshole freak!). Stacey said it's nice..some other time maybe.. :)

Back to today's happenings...

There are new members in my jap class. How nice. But I don't talk to any. Too busy with my own studying. They're new students who are starting from scratch.

Went to Watson's with an intention to buy a lip gloss. This is the dunno which time I've lost my lip gloss. The funny thing is they either appear somewhere after a long time, or they never appear ever again. I dread losing them, cos that means I have to spend a few bucks on a new one. I was curious abt Fasio, and this sales auntie came to me and started introducing me some whitening essence etc. Within minutes, I was joining her auntie gang by talking like one..trying to get more freebies out of her...bargain etc. She decided to give me this trial tube of Fasio Facial Cleansing Foam or something, which is soooo small I can use it only once. Some freebie she was offering..tsk tsk tsk. Since I could not dig out more freebies from her, I decided to give the indirect rejection answer, "Let me consider first (in chinese)" and happily flocked to the lip gloss section. As usual, I'll find myself in a dilemma to which product I should get, and thanks to a sms which came at the crucial moment...............................I didn't buy any.. -.-

So off I went to Borders to meet Pin Soon (the one who smsed me). He was at some self-improvement section, looking at some books. Geez..what else does he have to improve on manz? His brains are good enuff. More improvement for him will bring misery to beings like me cos society's gonna condemn me soon.

We decided to spend some time reading since the buffet at Sakae only starts at 3pm. We were luffing over Idiot's guide to Dating, and all the other weird books on hot dates, etc. He went on to read them though, and giggled several times, while I decided to pick a book I thought was lame. He told me it isn't the moment I read it, so out of curiosity, I thought it might be a good idea to read the first few pages. That was how I got stuck to it. I didn't want to leave the store and I told myself I'm gonna buy that book after my buffet..but the price was the problem..a bit ex leh..sigh..

Don't have to describe what we did at the restaurant lah hor? What else is there except eating and talking? Yah, usual topics..medicine..medicine and more medicine! And of course, about his tutees..

After the meal, we took a look at the products in Apple Centre. So nice. I just love Apple's designs, but I dunno how to use it. Then headed off to Popular to see if I can buy that book since Pin Soon said he's got a discount card. Guess what? Popular was having a 20% of their best sellers! Shiok manz..so I ended up paying only $21 for the book. Saved $6 and I was feeling so pleased with it. Kiam siap syndrome.

Didn't know what to do, and the only thing that can kill time was to catch a movie. I'm impatient. I hate waiting to watch a movie, so I just decided on '13 going on 30' cos it was only 5 minutes to its commencement. Just nice for me to go up the escalator and stroll to my seat. *grinz*

Nice movie. Many hilarious parts. I had a good laugh while watching it. I was so engrossed that I didn't realise that there were other people watching too that several times I probably went "Oh manz..." too loudly :X Hey, I found the actress pretty..from far. Check out her back. She's got a strong one. I wonder if she danced professionally before.

Wanted to take the opportunity to find a prezzie for Stacey since she'll be going back to UK in a few weeks' time. I'm gonna miss her company. I have an idea of what to buy, but I couldn't find it. Will find it soon. Maybe I'll go see her off and give her the surprise, hopefully it will bring a big big smile to her cute chubby face that day. I'm sure she dreads going back to UK...especially without me ard this time *bhb*

Aiyah..wanted to type more about what I read from the book, but looks like I have talked so much about my happenings of the day tt it's getting too late to type more. I'll probably do it later..as in during the evening.

Should go to sleep now. Bonne Nuit (good night in French)!

FUCK...MICHELLE...GO JUMP OFF SOME BUILDING WILL U?!?!??!

OK, I AM DEPRESSED. SO LET ME VENT MY ANGER HERE FOR A WHILE..

I think I should go jump off some building..
I think I should have tear glands which don't work anymore
I think I should be cold blooded
I think I should feel that life isn't worth living for
I think I should forget being human
I think couples are a nuisance
I think love should NEVER FUCKING EXIST
I think I don't have a life..I never did..to hell with myself..
I don't know what I am doing anymore
I don't know what my mind is thinking anymore
I hate every fucking thing around me
I'm no different from a dead person now apart from still having emotions...which I think is useless cos I should be borned numb to everything
Why should humans be given emotions?

FUCK YOU MICHELLE...YES..FUCK YOU! U'RE A PURE BITCH, USELESS, STUPID, UGLY AND ANY BLOODY BAD CHARACTER THAT EXISTS IN THIS FUCKED UP WORLD...YOU HAVE THEM ALL...DOESN'T THAT GIVE U THE BEST REASON TO END YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE? U'RE NOTHING BUT A PAIN, WORRY, BURDEN, PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT TO PEOPLE AROUND YOU. YOUR EXISTENCE 22 YEARS AGO WAS A MISTAKE..A BIG ONE. EVERYTHING YOU DID IN YOUR ENTIRE 22 YEARS BROUGHT NOTHING BUT HELL TO EVERYONE. THE WORLD'S NOT GONNA CHANGE IF YOU DON'T EXIST, COS NO ONE..YES..NO ONE NEEDS YOU AROUND GOT IT?!

Sweeten my day up with Chocolates

Oh manz, the chocolates' HEAVEN. I just tasted the first one, and I'm going on to the 2nd.

Research has shown that chocolates can be helpful for those who are undergoing a lot of mental pressure due to their high content of dunno what. I realise that when I'm munching on chocolates too. They make me feel better, but the tough thing is to make me eat it. There are times when you're REALLY so down, even the best and most attractive chocolates doesn't look tempting that you'll wanna reach out and eat them up.

I haven't had real chocolatey treats for some time, and I decided to just open up the box of chocolates Kor bought for me. Sins Chocolates. I've never tasted theirs before. I love chocs, but I never indulge in expensive ones, because I'm cheapskate..simple as that. But thanks to this Kor of mine, I'm given this golden opportunity once in a while to indulge in them. First it was some macadamia chocolate from New Zealand, then came Max Brenner's and now..Sins. Ok, I just finished the 3rd piece.. :X

I love chocolates with nuts, and this special box of chocolates contain nothing but chocs with nuts...how nice. I'm really touched and they made me smile. I was getting more and more excited as I was untying the ribbon. Hey kor, the one with the almond pieces are marvellous!

I should start controlling myself. Ok, I've covered up the box. I'm afraid I might just gobble everything up today. Must treasure them. I don't wanna regret like the other time when I finished up that tin of Max Brenner Chocs so quickly. I wonder how much they cost. Should go check it out and perhaps, it's worth considering to stop being cheapskate for a moment by buying myself a tin when I need something sweet to brighten up my day.

Hmm..if only chocolates were colourful..how nice would that be? I'm sure it'll add more colour to my mood. And I mean just chocolates, no sugar coated coloured shells pls. Not possible huh? How can you turn cocoa into bright colours like pink, blue and yellow?

Back..

Finally, I'm blogging again. Wrote an entry in a rush this afternoon while waiting for Mum to get ready so that I can accompany her to the hospital.

Many things has been happening recently to me. My life is in a big mess. I won't be sharing them here.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days because I wasn't in the mood to. I have been constantly thinking of lots and lots of things. I don't know why this is happening either. I feel helpless. I wish to help, but very often, they are seen to be trouble. I want to do something right, to make someone feel better, and for myself to feel better. I've been thinking so so much that I'm burning myself out.

I did something rash last night. It was the only way for me, and I couldnt care less anymore. In my mind, nothing else mattered..not even my safety anymore. I must have angered my parents. Dad almost raised his voice at me, but I still went ahead, telling myself I'll face the consequences after I come home. And of course, they didn't forget about it. Mum questioned me this afternoon, which I refused to answer. During dinner, Dad questioned me as well, and was at the verge of scolding me. His eyes were fierce. I dare not look up and did not answer him too. I feel sorry for not telling them and making them worry. I guess they roughly knew what I did, but was more interested in hearing it from me.

Granny's fine. She's put under observation after the fall she had this morning. She looks like a panda now with half her face bruised. And I was trying to knock some donkey sense into her. My uncle's dad was in hospital too. Went to visit him and I enjoyed listening to him telling me about the history of Japan, dating back to Emperor Qin's days. I tried teasing him a few times, which made him laugh. At least I made someone feel good today I hope. And as usual, I was asked questions related to medical conditions and procedures. Fortunately I could answer them confidently.

I bumped into a few relatives today, and I tried to make myself scarce whenever I could. And of course, be present when I have to. Didn't get to bump into Grandaunt, which is good I suppose.

"I'm sorry if I made things difficult for you last night. I didn't mean to. And neither can I ever explain to show deeply how much I care and am feeling. Trust me, if I can do something which will make us better, I will. How can I be the best person next to you whom you can turn to your whole life? How can I make you smile at me again? I'm lost and I don't know who to turn to anymore. I meant every single word I said last night. Can you feel it? Can you see them from my eyes? I hope that you will start smiling soon. Read the testimonials I wrote before and the one you wrote for me..read your old blog entries...read my very old entries..they still hold an important place in my heart. Let me stand by you..don't push me away cos it hurts. I won't change. Nothing else with us in it will. I won't give it up because there is a reason which won't allow me to. I'm taking a very very big bet with my life once again. I'm trying my best to tell myself I will win this bet..I'm trying to believe I will. Make it true..please do. Hold on to me tightly. You are very important to me, so so so much more than myself. Please, I beg you once again, don't ever give up....cos I won't.."

Why do they have to come all together?

It seems like problems happen together as the same time. My life recently is HELL...trust me..it is..

I'll have to rush down to the hospital later because something happened to my granny. But to me, it's more than just visiting her. It's who I'll bump into later.

I don't understand why everything had to happen at the same time. A stay I've looked forward to has gone totally insane. Now I'm wondering if my stay was a right choice made. If I had taken the 2nd option, I wouldn't have been back..and even if I did come back for a few days, I would have went back to UK a few days ago.

I don't know anymore. Just like someone dear to me, I need support, but I can't tell anyone how I truly feel deep down.

I won't give up. I won't let myself fall. I have to try..I have to...

Be strong Michelle. Be strong..