Back..

Finally, I'm blogging again. Wrote an entry in a rush this afternoon while waiting for Mum to get ready so that I can accompany her to the hospital.

Many things has been happening recently to me. My life is in a big mess. I won't be sharing them here.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days because I wasn't in the mood to. I have been constantly thinking of lots and lots of things. I don't know why this is happening either. I feel helpless. I wish to help, but very often, they are seen to be trouble. I want to do something right, to make someone feel better, and for myself to feel better. I've been thinking so so much that I'm burning myself out.

I did something rash last night. It was the only way for me, and I couldnt care less anymore. In my mind, nothing else mattered..not even my safety anymore. I must have angered my parents. Dad almost raised his voice at me, but I still went ahead, telling myself I'll face the consequences after I come home. And of course, they didn't forget about it. Mum questioned me this afternoon, which I refused to answer. During dinner, Dad questioned me as well, and was at the verge of scolding me. His eyes were fierce. I dare not look up and did not answer him too. I feel sorry for not telling them and making them worry. I guess they roughly knew what I did, but was more interested in hearing it from me.

Granny's fine. She's put under observation after the fall she had this morning. She looks like a panda now with half her face bruised. And I was trying to knock some donkey sense into her. My uncle's dad was in hospital too. Went to visit him and I enjoyed listening to him telling me about the history of Japan, dating back to Emperor Qin's days. I tried teasing him a few times, which made him laugh. At least I made someone feel good today I hope. And as usual, I was asked questions related to medical conditions and procedures. Fortunately I could answer them confidently.

I bumped into a few relatives today, and I tried to make myself scarce whenever I could. And of course, be present when I have to. Didn't get to bump into Grandaunt, which is good I suppose.

"I'm sorry if I made things difficult for you last night. I didn't mean to. And neither can I ever explain to show deeply how much I care and am feeling. Trust me, if I can do something which will make us better, I will. How can I be the best person next to you whom you can turn to your whole life? How can I make you smile at me again? I'm lost and I don't know who to turn to anymore. I meant every single word I said last night. Can you feel it? Can you see them from my eyes? I hope that you will start smiling soon. Read the testimonials I wrote before and the one you wrote for me..read your old blog entries...read my very old entries..they still hold an important place in my heart. Let me stand by you..don't push me away cos it hurts. I won't change. Nothing else with us in it will. I won't give it up because there is a reason which won't allow me to. I'm taking a very very big bet with my life once again. I'm trying my best to tell myself I will win this bet..I'm trying to believe I will. Make it true..please do. Hold on to me tightly. You are very important to me, so so so much more than myself. Please, I beg you once again, don't ever give up....cos I won't.."