A month has gone by again..
26th is over, once again. A monthly day to feel excited about has gone by like any other day...nothing worth remembering....once again...
I went offline early tonight and here I am online again. Isn't it weird how difficult sleeping is for a piggy like me?
Seeing the timing I go to bed and wake up, it's no wonder my parents aren't pleased. I'm sure Prof Kua is gonna shake his head when he sees me during my coming medical appointment. I feel like not turning up for it, to be honest. I am worried he will give me those pills again. I..I..really don't want to take them again simply because I feel different from the others around me. It makes me feel as if I'm so much weaker, so much more inferior than people around me. I seem to have lost myself..the old Michelle....I really lack self-confidence in that aspect...I wish I could regain it..but it really isn't easy for me..
How long have I been in Singapore? Almost 2 months. Honestly, I am not enjoying myself. Although home is still home, but I'm beginning to wonder if I feel better being home this time round. Looking back at what I did during this 2 months hurt tremendously. I've been looking for all sorts of things to do, all for a reason I know. I'm trying very hard, so hard that these things have been bottling up in me.
I told others around me I'm doing them because they are my other interests apart from medicine (which is true), but is that the main reason why I'm doing them? Definitely not.
This wasn't the holiday I planned. I am feeling real bad about having to take this holiday...really. But can I show it? I still remember the nights I spent in UK thinking about this decision I had to make..and how I felt in UK after making this decision. Although I acted as if it was a happy decision I made, but deep down, I am not happy. I felt lousy. But I wanted to make it seem like I'm fine, so that people I care about won't get too worried about me. I'm a bad actress in a way. Sometimes I can't hide my inner feelings no matter how hard I try. Fortunately my parents don't know how I feel.
I tried staying positive, and someone very very very dear to me did give me some encouragement. I am grateful to him for listening to me weep over the phone or watch my tears roll in the webcam. I planned to make my months' stay something great to show my gratitude, and to fill up the 'empty' feeling he felt. I want to make him really happy. I want to keep my promise. I want to make these months so wonderful so that he will remember them and start smiling and continue to do so when I have to go back again. The things we wrote and showed each other through the airport's glass panel when I went into the customs..I won't forget. I had so much to tell him when I was leaving that that was the only way to continue talking to him. It was painful having to lose my final sight of him. All I had was that pair of rings he love which he passed to me the night before I left. There were other things he gave to me too, but apart frm the silver accessory on my finger, the most precious ones were the pair he passed to me. I held them tight when I was on the plane, remembering the promise I made..
I kept my promise. I brought the rings back with me. I told myself the moment the plane touched down.."Michelle, you're home. He'll be happy to know that you have kept your promise...". He was the first person I was looking for when I arrived and I really cannot describe how I felt when I saw him again. That smile, that voice, everything.
But...never did I expect that this holiday would turn out this way. All plans have been dragged on..till I don't expect them to be carried out. I'm still hoping they will be, because I've been looking forward to them since I was in UK and how excited I was about them. I wonder if he remembers them. I have not forgotten mine, and I really really wish to carry mine out one day.
I don't feel better being home this time...at least not now. I don't feel like going back to UK either..there's nothing for me to look forward to. And now, apart from my family, there's nothing to look forward to in Singapore too. I'm extremely disappointed. I've lost interest in doing things, even though I know I shouldn't. I'm very very very lost, and I do feel very alone now..
Till today, I still don't know where the problem lies. I am doing my best to find out what it is and resolve it. If it's me, I'll try my best to change it. I've never thought that anything would be too difficult for us to handle, because no matter how hard it is going to be, I will NEVER let go of his hand and I am sure he will do the same too...I'm sure...dead sure...
How long will this go on..? I am still holding on tightly to the trust he wanted, our dreams, our plans. Please tell me they will come true one day. I really feel very tortured...I need an indication that he's still around. I really need strength to carry on walking...just a little will do...I need an indication that I'm not doing it alone...
I just hope he won't let go of my hand..no matter what...don't ever let go..please don't....
I went offline early tonight and here I am online again. Isn't it weird how difficult sleeping is for a piggy like me?
Seeing the timing I go to bed and wake up, it's no wonder my parents aren't pleased. I'm sure Prof Kua is gonna shake his head when he sees me during my coming medical appointment. I feel like not turning up for it, to be honest. I am worried he will give me those pills again. I..I..really don't want to take them again simply because I feel different from the others around me. It makes me feel as if I'm so much weaker, so much more inferior than people around me. I seem to have lost myself..the old Michelle....I really lack self-confidence in that aspect...I wish I could regain it..but it really isn't easy for me..
How long have I been in Singapore? Almost 2 months. Honestly, I am not enjoying myself. Although home is still home, but I'm beginning to wonder if I feel better being home this time round. Looking back at what I did during this 2 months hurt tremendously. I've been looking for all sorts of things to do, all for a reason I know. I'm trying very hard, so hard that these things have been bottling up in me.
I told others around me I'm doing them because they are my other interests apart from medicine (which is true), but is that the main reason why I'm doing them? Definitely not.
This wasn't the holiday I planned. I am feeling real bad about having to take this holiday...really. But can I show it? I still remember the nights I spent in UK thinking about this decision I had to make..and how I felt in UK after making this decision. Although I acted as if it was a happy decision I made, but deep down, I am not happy. I felt lousy. But I wanted to make it seem like I'm fine, so that people I care about won't get too worried about me. I'm a bad actress in a way. Sometimes I can't hide my inner feelings no matter how hard I try. Fortunately my parents don't know how I feel.
I tried staying positive, and someone very very very dear to me did give me some encouragement. I am grateful to him for listening to me weep over the phone or watch my tears roll in the webcam. I planned to make my months' stay something great to show my gratitude, and to fill up the 'empty' feeling he felt. I want to make him really happy. I want to keep my promise. I want to make these months so wonderful so that he will remember them and start smiling and continue to do so when I have to go back again. The things we wrote and showed each other through the airport's glass panel when I went into the customs..I won't forget. I had so much to tell him when I was leaving that that was the only way to continue talking to him. It was painful having to lose my final sight of him. All I had was that pair of rings he love which he passed to me the night before I left. There were other things he gave to me too, but apart frm the silver accessory on my finger, the most precious ones were the pair he passed to me. I held them tight when I was on the plane, remembering the promise I made..
I kept my promise. I brought the rings back with me. I told myself the moment the plane touched down.."Michelle, you're home. He'll be happy to know that you have kept your promise...". He was the first person I was looking for when I arrived and I really cannot describe how I felt when I saw him again. That smile, that voice, everything.
But...never did I expect that this holiday would turn out this way. All plans have been dragged on..till I don't expect them to be carried out. I'm still hoping they will be, because I've been looking forward to them since I was in UK and how excited I was about them. I wonder if he remembers them. I have not forgotten mine, and I really really wish to carry mine out one day.
I don't feel better being home this time...at least not now. I don't feel like going back to UK either..there's nothing for me to look forward to. And now, apart from my family, there's nothing to look forward to in Singapore too. I'm extremely disappointed. I've lost interest in doing things, even though I know I shouldn't. I'm very very very lost, and I do feel very alone now..
Till today, I still don't know where the problem lies. I am doing my best to find out what it is and resolve it. If it's me, I'll try my best to change it. I've never thought that anything would be too difficult for us to handle, because no matter how hard it is going to be, I will NEVER let go of his hand and I am sure he will do the same too...I'm sure...dead sure...
How long will this go on..? I am still holding on tightly to the trust he wanted, our dreams, our plans. Please tell me they will come true one day. I really feel very tortured...I need an indication that he's still around. I really need strength to carry on walking...just a little will do...I need an indication that I'm not doing it alone...
I just hope he won't let go of my hand..no matter what...don't ever let go..please don't....
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