Very bad mood

My mood today's bad for a reason I don't know. A bit too early for PMS too. What's wrong manz..

First, I got irritated with hp calls and msges today, which is odd. Then I was very rude to friends who sms me by not replying and rejecting calls. Then I started losing temper at my parents.

Now that I'm boiling, I'm thinking back about what horrid things I did today. I slept so late yesterday and couldn't get up early this morning, and was awoken by phone calls from different people. I was so annoyed, I rejected the calls, but whenever the phone in my room rings, I have to pick it up cos only people I know very well has that number (but I have no idea why people rather call my hp). It's quite obvious who will call that number and I knew it must be Mum. As usual, it'll be "Come down and eat lunch". I was irritated, gave a "Later lah!!!!" and slammed it down.

Went online for a while in the afternoon and I guess the way I answered my MSN msges was rude as well. Kinda obvious.

Then in the evening after dinner, I told Mum I'm going for Hip Hop and she started yelling at me, saying things like "Oh my god, I never imagine my daughter will follow those teenagers dance on the platform in the arcade". I hate her tone manz. It made me boil for 2 reasons. First, it was her tone and second, cos she's talking RUBBISH. She doesn't even know anything! And thinks she does. I lost my temper and yelled back, telling her that if she doesn't know what hip hop is, then it's time she should stop talking nonsense to me. It's only then she tells me she doesn't know what dance I wanna do, just as long as I make sure the dance can help me bring up my social status. WTF! I lost my temper more. Does it mean if I have to do anything which I love, it has to be for social status?!

I blew my top further..duh. Told her I'm just wanting to do something which I love, and that's dancing. Now that I have found a dance spot, why can't I just do it out of my passion for dance, instead of her so-called increase social status reason?! I want to learn classical dance too, but Dad asked me to bring her along. To be honest, I MIND..not because I don't like my Mum learning it, but because I can't enjoy myself to the max. I don't mind she learns it, just make sure we go to different classes...but I can't tell my parents that, that's why I did not go source for classical dance. Imagine my mum telling me, "Can you behave more decently when you're dancing?" or "How come you're so flirty?" and so on after a dance class when, for goodness sake, I'm not. I am dancing not to flirt. I'm not interested in that, but my mum just has this tendency to say things which makes me wanna rip her mouth apart sometimes. What's dance with so much restrictions?

For the past few weeks, I've been tolerating the fact that they are wanting me to do things related to medicine during my months in S'pore, which I went against. They must be thinking I'm sick of medicine, which isn't true! I still love medicine, just that I want to do other things which I like during this period, and even so, they are making it so difficult for me by giving me all kinds of attitude, till I went ahead to source and pay for activities myself. From language school to dance to jobs, I did everything myself and they don't even know about it. I only tell them after I've made a decision. This isn't me..I was never like that. I've always consulted my parents for everything I wanna do, but not this time. I bet you they don't even know why I'm always home only at night cos I don't tell them anything anymore.

Mum got angry and told me that she never expected me to do nothing but medicine. How contradicting! Here she is saying this, but when I went job hunting or do any course, she will always add this sentence in.."It's got no relation to medicine"! To hell with their comments...I shall NOT give a damn anymore. If I don't get to do what I want this time, I won't have a chance to do so anymore. Can't they fucking see that I'm trying to do things which is making me happy???!?!

And after coming home, I started studying. Couldn't find my pen and I got very angry because there could only be one reason. I had to take the bloody trouble to go to the 2nd level to ask if anyone in my family took my pen (actually only my brother will do such thing), and got a reply "No". I went back to my room and searched everywhere for it, but was in vain. Just then, my brother came into my room and left the pens on my table and said NOTHING to me! Not even a SORRY. I gave him a big scolding and slammed the door once he walked out. I'm feeling guilty because I really scolded him very loudly. I don't think he deserved such a loud one, but still I was boiling..he was just unlucky to step on my tail at the wrong time I suppose. I'm angry because he ALWAYS takes my stuffs without asking and return as and when he likes. I remember there was once he took my ruler without telling me, and I actually went for a school exam without it, which can really bring me a lot of trouble if it were a Maths or Geography paper. And the shit thing is..he yells if you take his stuff without telling him.

Anyway, my mood hasn't been good for the past 1-2 days. Family politics issues again. I know my parents are frustrated over it too, and they need to talk to someone about it. Mum loves talking to me about them, and to be honest, I dread listening to it. I already dread my paternal side so much that I have lost all my respect for them...EVERY SINGLE ONE..and still I have to listen and be reminded of the problems my family is facing cos of these bitches and bastards. Why manz?! Why can't I just be borned in a simpler family with simpler relatives?! These problems contributed to the reasons why I left Singapore, but never did these problems leave my mind alone no matter where I go. When will this all end? If only my family had a choice, I'm sure they will not hesitate to cut ties and migrate elsewhere for good.

And why do we have to take in all the rubbish? All cos of one fucking reason...$$$! We have to take in everything because my dad needs the financial backing from Grandaunt to keep everything smooth. Everything is MONEY and MONEY! But does dad have a choice?! No! Cos if he can't keep the company going, everything is finished. He needs to pay for not just my family, but everything for my grandparents as well. Plus, it doesn't help to know that NO ONE appreciates his efforts, but just wanna ask for more $$$. Everyone thinks Dad owns a gold mine. Maybe you might wonder what has this got to do with me? Being his daughter, can I not feel anything? I can't just ignore isn't it? It hurts me to see Dad this way, and even as his daughter, I get scolded at times too. For what reason you might ask, because I went to UK to study. Yes, FOR STUDYING! A relative said something to me and will never ever stop saying it...."You think your Dad is very rich is it? Of all places, you chose to go to UK...do you know how much burden you bring to your Dad?" I won't forget this, and neither have I showed my parents how hurt I felt over this comment. I kept it all to myself, till at times, I start thinking that I should have just stopped studying. Yet then again, if this someone knows that my Dad isn't rich, why are they not helping him ease his burden but adding more on his shoulders?

Money makes everyone change isn't it? People change cos of MONEY...because they think MONEY brings POWER..brings everything. But what else can money do? Money can destroy any kind of love humans have for one another too.

I'm not being unrealistic by saying that MONEY isn't important. But in order to have it, you have to hurt people around you, turn your back on your close ones, people that you love etc...then there isn't anymore meaning in owning all the cash and being powerful...

*My blog entry today is very disorganised today cos I'm in a foul mood and I just type anything that comes into my head without thinking..*