I'm relieved to hear that my boy has got back his lost luggage. I was abt to go to offline and go to bed when he suddenly came online to tell me he's alright. I was really happy to see him.

I was quite surprised when he said he'll call me after talking to his Stepdad. And he did as he promised.

"LAO PO!!!!!" he said loudly and I could sense his joy when I picked up and said "Hello". It has been quite a while since I last heard him being so energetic. He talked a lot to me last night too and told me that he missed me a lot after going back to his room because of the things I bought for him before. :)

We chatted abt random things...

CG: Although u look ordinary on the external, I think u're special within.
Me: Hahaha...don't lie.
CG: I'm serious. And it takes a guy who is extraordinary to discover it.
Me: PUI! RUBBISH! I was the one who admired u first!
CG: Yah, but I liked you too!!!!

CG: No one ever dared to tell me off and get angry with me before. Not my family, not even my friends. All the while, I thought my gf in future will be like them, who won't argue back or say anything. But..*sigh*...u shocked me when u told me off...and now u're my gf.
Me: So what is that supposed to mean? U're regretting?
CG: A little..
Me: Serious?
CG: But I love u, so it's too late to regret now.
Me: Ok, so u do regret. Fine, I'm so hurt.
CG: Hhahaa...u don't even sound hurt.
Me: Do I have to show it to u?
CG: Since when do u not show me when u're happy or hurt?
Me: Not all the time. I might not sound hurt, but when we end our conversation, I will think a lot on my bed before sleeping.
CG: I'm sorry. I didn't know I've hurt u. Cheer up?
Me: Ok :)

:)

Had a busy cum frustrating day at the hospital. Everything went well until I went to clerk a patient. Had quite a problem getting him to tell me things, and he denied that he had any past medical problems, but when I searched the medical notes...manz...did he REALLY have a list of them.

Sometimes, I wonder if doctors don't explain well or don't bother to explain the diagnosis to patients and make them aware of what medications they are taking, or if the problem lies with the patients..since they probably find it too difficult to understand and as a result, just do what they are told by the doctor and leave the hospital without a damn clue abt what actually was the reason for their hospitalisation.

I guess that's a big major difference abt Asian patients and Caucasian patients. Caucasians are super curious abt anything, and they will make an effort to remember medical terminologies and understand their disease and drug therapies. It makes things so much easier for doctors as they won't have to start from scratch searching for all the past medical history of the patient from the notes. Imagine what a nightmare it'll be for the doc if the patient is a frequent guest for donkey years in the hospital, to search for every single medical history. *rolls eyes*

I must give credit to the patient for letting me take his history and examine him, even though he wasn't very friendly. I wonder if it's because I'm a medical student. Will things change when I become a doctor?

Also, I do not understand why some patients, especially the elderly, are so stubborn with their medications, and allowing the doctors to do their job smoothly. It is damn frustrating and delaying the doctor's job will just mean extra stay in the hospital. Don't these people dislike staying in the freaking hot hospital (I think it's still acceptable if u're in Class A wards)? Why can't they just comply to make things so much easier for both themselves and the staff?

It does take a lot of patience to handle these troublesome patients, and I can't help reminding myself how hot-tempered I am and how much I must tolerate all these when I start working officially.

Got really irritated by a nurse in the ward today too. He was speaking so darn loudly, and I'm sure everyone can hear his grumbles in the ward. I was busy reading the case notes, and his voice just caused so much distraction to me, that I was really tempted to turn back and tell him off to lower his volume. But being a lowly medical student, I had to hold back (I'm sure I will tell him off if I'm a doctor) and only ended up looking at him a few times, hoping he will get it and SHUT UP. Unfortunately, he didn't get the hint at all. Grrrrrr!!!!

Missed my boy a lot today. Am glad that he has arrived safely last night in UK, but his luggage got lost. I am sure he's frustrated, and I felt very helpless when I heard of his plight this morning. The shittiest thing is his laptop charger and hp is all in his luggage, so he can't chat with me much online, and can't call me either.

I was worried the whole day about whether he slept well at night, since I thought he must be worrying about his luggage. I wonder how is he now. So wish to just give him a ring (if only he had his hp!!!!!) to cheer him up.

Been sneezing a lot today, and he used to tell me that one sneezes because another person is missing him/her. From the medical point of view, I know that is absolutely rubbish, but sometimes, I do wonder if it's true, because I actually remember the time of my sneezes, and I do ask him what time approx did he think of me...and the timings fit without me even telling him what time I sneezed. Can coincidences happen so many times? Hmm...

If someone were to read this entry, he would ask me if I forgot what happened on this day years ago. No, I haven't, and I suddenly thought of it as I happened to be writing today's date in my notebook. Time flies isn't it? 2 years has gone by. And I'm glad that despite me not forgetting how I felt on this day 2 years ago, I am able to face it bravely. I guess my boy deserves some credit for this. I'm sure I wouldn't feel this well today if he hasn't been good to me and bringing hope into my life all these while.

I am glad that he knows that I have been feeling upset abt our rship and will do something abt it.

He sensed my exhaustion when I spoke very very little on the phone a few days ago...

CG: Where were u? I waited for u since 8+ till now (past midnight), and u didn't even come online.
Me: Sorry, I'm just tired.
CG: Ok. Why are u speaking so little today? Is something wrong?
Me: I'm just terribly exhausted tonight..
CG: Why's that?
Me: I haven't slept much for the past few nights. I kept waking up.
CG: I guessed as much. It must be because of me.

I was surprised to hear that.

I felt better when he said "Sorry" to me sincerely.

We had a slight dispute during our phone conversation, and at the end of the dispute, we both know that we actually care for each other very much, but we express them in very different ways.

And last night...

Me: There is only 1 me in this world.
CG: That's the same for every other individual.
Me: Yah, but I'm different. I'm not just any "Huiling". I am a "Huiling" who occupies a teeny weeny bit of place in your heart (I hope).
CG: No, it's not a teeny weeny bit. It's a huge place.

I smiled when I heard that. :)

It's a struggle between trying to be understanding and coping with my insecurity.

I wish I can tell u that I'm alright and be able to feel alright, but I am not.

I have been asking myself if I have given too much for our rship, and whether it is all worthwhile. I have given everything for us, so much that I don't know what else is there left, and in exchange, I just want to find a secure place in your heart. Yet till today, despite trying so hard, I failed to do so.

I know that u r tired, so am I, but I made every single effort to wait for u. Even if u don't want to talk to me, at least think about how I will feel at the end of the day when u either doze off on me, or send me a msg to tell me that u can't talk to me.

Everyday, I'm only looking forward to talk to u. That phone call meant so much to me. But does it mean anything to u?

U said u're talking to me because u feel obligated to. That hurts. It seriously does. Don't tell me that u miss me, because I am not convinced. How can I ever be?

U know I'm not feeling alright, but u still left after leaving a msg and telling me to let u know when I feel better. How am I suppose to feel better with our rship being this way? I know your family is impt, and u r rushing to spend time with them and I can understand that. At the same time, it just proved to me that I don't mean much to u.

Don't tell me that is not true. Any girl in my position can feel it, and I was just being plain silly for not facing it after such a long time. I'm not hoping to replace your family, but I was hoping u'll value me like how u value them. Yet I am sure to u, it's not possible, and it's difficult.

You said u can spend all the time u want with me when u're back in UK. I started thinking if u're only doing so because I'm sort of the only one there for u. It made me feel like a spare tyre rather than making me happy.

I am at a total loss. I want to talk to u, but I don't want to keep hurting myself and getting disappointed time and time again. What's worse is, I can't voice it out even though u said I can talk to u whenever I'm not happy about anything, because I know for sure I'll just hear something more nasty.

Why is it so difficult to even tell u that I'm feeling hurt? Why is it so difficult for u to know what I need, what I want?

Went to JP today to watch "The Banquet" with Victor today. Am so thankful that this good buddy of mine has sacrificed his lecture just to catch the movie with me.

I love the outfits in the movie, and I must say the show is really funny, instead of being a tragic film. Oh..the General's son is darn super shuai! Gosh, the look in his eyes....*dreams*

Had a nice chat with Victor, and it felt good being able to say things out from the bottom of my heart. There was no need for pretence.

Been wanting to watch movies for some time, but haven't been asking anyone to go watch it with me since my boy has been starting to feel jealous, and he thinks he only feels safe if only certain people goes out with me, such as Victor.

Honestly speaking, I did wish my boy was watching the movie with me too. I miss the times when he will hold my hand or hug me when we're watching a movie together.

I miss him a lot today, but tried not to think about it.

He's returning to UK next Monday, and he hasn't been feeling very happy these few days. He told me that he doesn't want to go back now. I can understand how he feels. Home is still home afterall.

He told me his dad is being nicer to him these few days, and I do know why too. His dad loves him dearly, and I know he will feel sad when his son leaves on Monday. I know my boy is his only hope and reason to live. And because of this, I can't help feeling guilty of my thought of keeping my boy by my side.

I have reached a point whereby I can't just let my boy go because it makes things easier. I feel that I am becoming more and more selfish, yet can I help it?

It was a fantastic gathering with the gang at Bugis yesterday. Almost the whole group turned up, and thats pretty rare!

I'm happy to see that the gang is doing well, and am definitely touched that we're still keeping touch with one another for sooooo many years.

It felt weird being in the gang without my bf because there are already 3 couples in our gang, and watching how loving they are, I wished my bf was next to me too.

Anyway, the best bit was going to Settler's Cafe for board games. I never liked board games, but it was really fun playing with the gang. Love Monopoly, and as usual, Vic and I (we paired up as a team) started forming alliances with other teams to try to make the rest go bankrupt. It was really funny. It has been a while since I played so crazily, and if my boy were ard, I'm sure I wouldn't wanna go home.

Came home ard 1am, and gave my boy a ring. He was waiting for my call, and I did feel bad when I heard his "unhappy" voice. He claimed that he's sleepy, but I begged to differ.

I hope he isn't angry with me now...

Oh..I've done abt 1/4 of my 1st anniversary gift to him. Gosh..it's really hard work doing this, but the thought of him being touched and smiling gets me motivated to finish it up soon. Can't wait for the day to arrive.

And...2 more hrs to the day I first met him a year ago. 18th September :) I wonder if he's as happy and as excited as me abt this day.

I really lost my temper yesterday because once again, I waited the entire night for him and when I called him throughout the night, his hp was off.

I knew most likely his hp ran out of batt and that he went out with his friends, but not going home the entire night just doesn't sound right, doesn't it?!

And not even a word?!?!?!?!?!

No, I wasn't thinking he did something unfaithful behind my back (even though it did cut across my mind). I was just angry over the fact that he didn't tell me abt it and it's not the 1st time I have waited the entire night for him without hearing anything from him at all.

He left me a msg on MSN at his friend's at about 1+am, but I was already offline. I was still angry, because I think it's still ridiculous to only inform someone at that crazy hour. Besides, I don't really like the idea of my boy just staying overnight in someone else's house.

He msged me and called me several times when I was in the hospital. But I gave no reply at all. I was indeed fuming. I finally picked up during lunch time and I guess because partly due his fatigue, we quarelled. I was on the verge of tears in the hospital but I had to hold it back. I was hurt by something he said. And I hung up without a word.

I don't think I am a very restrictive gf, or rather, I have tried not to be..and I am constantly trying hard to regain my independence (even though I hope I won't be fully so, because that will only end our rship..and I know it). And I don't think any gf will be totally perfect with the idea of their own bf spending the entire night in a friend's house and not even telling u tt he won't be home beforehand. And what if.....it was me who didn't go home the whole night and not mentioning anything to him beforehand? Will he be angry? Will he even mind?

Honestly, I am feeling really numb abt this issue and we have stopped quarrelling last night. Even though we have gone back to being loving again, my mind is in a blank state abt this issue. I know he's not happy that he has lost some freedom because I asked him abt it last night. I know that he's been restricted enough by his parents, and that is the only thing he is able to do, yet now I'm not pleased abt it. I felt like I was some trouble maker, but I cannot deny the fact that I am really not happy with the idea. To him, it's a loss of freedom. To me, it's about commitment and responsibility towards a rship.

He might be staying over at another friend's tonight. I don't know what I'm feeling abt this. And I didn't say "No" and thinking back abt that hurting thing he said, I know...I'm in no position to say anything.

I have no idea how to manage this.

My chat went well with my boy yesterday, and he told me roughly what's the programme he's gonna have this week. I can foresee that I won't be able to talk much to him again (as usual), but I will try to cope with it.

I was touched when he told me that on Saturday he told his good friends that he's not able to bunk with them because if I know he's not home/uncontactable the whole night, I would be worried and he doesn't want me to be so. :)

I'm going to the National Skin Centre later, and honestly, I'm very slightly worried. There's this lesion which has been near my jawline since April. It never goes away no matter how many times I try to take off the scab, until I got so sianz..I decided to leave it alone. I'm so worried it's a keloid scar or a tumour. I wonder what the Professor will say later when he sees it.

I've been slightly paranoid lately about the lesion on my skin, because one of the moles on my hand kinda "grew" in size, and I'm not sure if it coincided with a "pimple" growing on it. And ever since, it seemed to be larger than its usual size and I'm wondering if it's just me being paranoid or if it really has grown.

I'm kinda scared to tell my mum because I am worried it's malignant (that's the shit thing u get when u know too much).

Maybe I should just mention it (if I'm gutsy enuff) to the Prof later and see what he thinks.

Will they do some minor op on me later?

I have been good today because I was the one who told him to sleep early and didn't grumble despite hanging up after 3 mins.

I'm sure he must be dead tired after talking for quite a long time with me on the phone last night...and I was amazed that he even told me to call him back after he's done with his toilet biz. It was already 1+ then, and he has a course to attend the next morning. But I didn't call back because I dozed off while waiting, and it shocked me when I realised it was already 2.30am when I got up.

He has been nicer these few days despite me still waiting. He's been leaving me messages on my msn even when I'm offline and I am pleased to know that he's trying to alleviate my fears and insecurity.

I guessed I started feeling better after I left him a pretty long message online to let him know how I feel about things and apologised about being such a nuisance. I am starting to lower my expectations too.

The conversation I had with him yesterday got me thinking for a while. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really naive and just refusing to admit it. Part of me feels that it's only sooner or later this is gonna end, but the other part of me is refusing to accept. Anyway, his "I won't give our relationship up" made me feel better.

It seems like I don't have any way out but to stick by him, and pray really hard that something good will come out of this.

Hope the situation will turn out for the better for us.

I completely lost my mood when I know that you're going off again.

WHY?!?!??!

When is this gonna end?! Why do u always have so many people to entertain? Why do u always have so many other commitments?! Why can't I ever get to hear you say "I am free the whole of tomorrow"?

When on the fucking earth can I have you telling me u're going to entertain ONLY me today and no one else?

It sucks not being to see you, and it sucks further to know that we have only limited time to talk, and what sucks even even more is why am I here everyday waiting for you, hoping to just catch u online, and knowing that u're doing other stuffs while chatting with me and then having to hear the "It's late now, I think u better go to bed".

Yes, I know I have to sleep! I don't have to be told! And if I think we have enough time together, I WILL go to sleep automatically. I am extremely tired everyday, and I do know I need a lot of sleep to replenish, but I bothered to sacrifice it for u.

What do I have to do just to get your attention?

What do I have to do in order to let you tell me I'll be your priority for the day?

Things he mentioned last night triggered my fear off. Maybe I was being sensitive, but how can I not be?

I felt threatened. I was afraid that if I don't wish to move abroad with him in future, this relationship will end. I am scared of losing him, and at times, I wonder if he is afraid of losing me too. He doesn't show it at all, so sometimes, I do wonder whether is it only me who is having this fear, and if he loves me as much as I do.

He knows I got very threatened and frightened because I actually told him to let me know early if he decides to leave me, and he knew I was crying on the other side when I started sniffing.

"I have nothing else I can ask for now that I have my cousin and her"...that's something I overheard one night when he was talking to his friend, thinking that I have dozed off soundly (actually I didn't reply the guys that night because I was too exhausted). If what he said is true, is he calmness all a pretence? Is he just as worried and afraid like me, but just putting on a strong front? I wish he will tell me and be himself.